Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Thanks for taking the time to read my question.

Navidaters, Many things were messy during my childhood, and my parents are divorced. B”H I did not have to date during the pandemic and have been married for a few years. I saw my husband in many different situations before we got married, and also got to know his personality more thoroughly. My sister is dating now and taking things very carefully due to Covid. She still refuses to date anywhere indoors, and it gives guys little opportunity to do anything but sit and talk with her. She won’t even go outdoor dining because of Covid. I fear this will not allow her to see the true colors of a guy she’s dating. She has to see him interact with the world but she is not allowing herself the chance.

Do you agree this is an issue?

Emma

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Emma, you are raising a valid question. Seeing how a guy responds in different situations and manages his feelings, reactions, and communication were important to you as you witnessed an unsuccessful marriage that ended in divorce. There were probably other concerns that made you careful about seeing whether the two of you could navigate differences, support each other during stressful times, and communicate openly. You probably also shared a great deal about your respective personal journeys as you moved along in your relationship. You wanted to know the person well, see consistency across various relationships, and view vulnerability and personal strengths. That was smart.

Your sister needs support and guidance as well as context and maturity to deal with the challenges of Covid and dating. It is unlikely, however, that she will hear you, given that she won’t hear the science of outdoor dining and has many fears. She may not have dealt with your parents’ divorce in a healthy way, too.

Encourage her to get professional support from a mentor/professional and be available to discuss things with her should she bring up her fears. She may have additional issues besides what you are primarily concerned about. You may want to talk to a therapist yourself with regard to giving her support and responding to her needs as an older sister.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Thank you for writing in with this important issue. The concern for your sister is admirable.

Based on your letter, it seems like you are asking a theoretical question, as you do not mention that your sister is dating anyone seriously currently. Rather, you mention “guys” in a general sense.

My perspective is, if your sister meets the right guy, someone whom she really likes and admires, she will become more lax in her Covid dating style.

You are correct. Your sister should see the guys she is dating in more than just one setting, but my hunch is this Covid excuse is a farce altogether. Based on your shared background and family trauma, your sister could be putting up barriers so as to not get close to guys whom she is not impressed with.

Give her time, Emma. When she finds the right one, she will likely want to spend lots of time with him, which will include meals, shopping trips, and public places. As the weather turns warm, there will be plenty of outdoor public options, so even if she is still super careful, she will have many opportunities to see the guy she’s dating’s middos.

I would not worry so much about her. I would, however, ask if you have done the inner work needed to deal with the trauma of your parents’ divorce. Although your question is addressing your sister, I think there might be some personal feelings underneath the surface for you to address.

The Single

Rivka Weinberg

Dating throughout the pandemic has been a challenge for many people. There are various unknown factors to be considered when going on a date. Does he wear a mask? Does his family wear a mask? If he’s in yeshiva, is he now exposed to all of the other bochurim, who are also dating? So now am I technically exposed to the entire Five Towns and Far Rockaway communities? All of these concerns are extremely valid, and it’s important for each individual to do what he or she is comfortable with. I agree with you that seeing a guy in different situations gives a more holistic view into who he is and where he comes from. The small things a guy does or does not do on a date speaks volumes about him and his middos, as for a girl as well. I once dated someone who lowered the radio when paying the toll by the Atlantic Beach Bridge and put on a mask to be sensitive to the cashier. Although that example may seem trivial, if I wasn’t in his car, I wouldn’t be aware of his sensitivity toward others to that extent. There is a tremendous amount of value in having a balance between activity dates and conversation.

With that said, Emma, you have not dated during Covid and do not realize the added stress caused by the situation. Your sister needs to do what works for her and what will allow her to go on dates with her best foot forward. If I had to assume, she probably has friends who fall within a range of more lenient to more stringent in the Covid dating process. She is aware that her method is not the only way to pursue shidduchim right now. However, it appears like that’s what she prefers.

Emma, it sounds like you’re projecting your childhood wounds of your messy upbringing and parents’ divorce on your sister’s dating. This seems

When she finds the right one, she will likely want to spend lots of time with him.

like your baggage and your stuff that needs to be worked through, not hers. Look inside yourself and determine if your concern about her dating process stems from your genuine care for her or is masked by your scars. Although you were raised in the same home, you had different experiences and are entirely different individuals with different outlooks and approaches to life.

From your question, it sounds like you have already tried to speak with your sister and believe to have had no success. To ensure that you are coming from the right place and the message is appropriately conveyed, speak to a rav or mentor, and if need be, have that person speak with your sister.

Please remember that Hakadosh Baruch Hu has a plan for your sister and iy”H at the right time she will meet her zivug, whether she’s indoors or outside.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

You sound like the ultimate, caring Big Sister. You helped your little sister through a “messy” childhood, and now you want to help her through the trauma of dating during Covid.

I nominate you for the Big Sister of the Year Award and have three thoughts to share with you.

First, no two people are identical. Some folks are extroverted and daring, while other folks are introverted and cautious. Please respect that your sister seems more cautious than you.

Contemporary dating is, unfortunately, already a stressful proposition. You don’t want to pressure your sister into dating scenarios that will cause her additional stress.

Second, as more people are getting vaccinated, Covid restrictions are lessening. And, with the weather improving, parks, walks, and backyards will be open for daters right after Pesach. A lot of smart families have put in new backyard furniture and created a private alcove (with cool firepits!) to allow their children to date close to home. (This also allows parents, siblings, and nosey neighbors to come out and say “hello.”)

Further, you can remind your sister (without pressuring her!) that there are still plenty of fun activities that can be enjoyed while masked. She and her date can try: Escape the Room, ice skating, paint night, and museums. It takes a little more advanced planning, but so many venues have now reopened. Dating now isn’t as hard as it was a year ago.

Third, many counselors are now recommending that, during this time of Covid, couples should date a bit longer than during previous, non-Covid times. For example, if a couple would have previously dated for 3-4 months, now it might be wise to date for 4-6 months before getting engaged.

And, more than ever, it’s vital for potential couples to experience plenty of family interactions.

In order to strengthen your nomination for the Big Sister of the Year Award, why not invite your sister and her date to your house for an outdoor, no food served, Shabbos afternoon schmooze?

Good luck!

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

in a car with a go on more normal dates, we would Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists date, or gone be compromising her sense of safeanywhere in- ty. What your sister can do, if she is doors. They have so inclined, is speak with her doctor essentially not and express her concerns about datdated throughout ing during Covid-19. Another thing

Dear Emma, this entire pandem- that I have seen daters do during this

Thank you for writing into with the world but she ic. We must try to pandemic is to date at a distance, unThe Navidaters! I can certainly un- is not allowing herself understand the reasons for their til they mutually decide to take their derstand your concern for your sister. the chance.” To me, it feels decision. relationship to the next level. At that Under normal circumstances, it is like you may be viewing your Do I think that people need to point, they invite the person into their most definitely wise to spend time to- sister’s actions as her choice that see each other across a variety of bubble. gether with someone in different ven- she could change if she wanted to settings over time? Absolutely! But I think that as much as we may ues and situations before walking change. I sometimes find it helpful to I also know that there are certain be inclined to offer your sister advice down the aisle. However, there is view everyone’s responses to Covid-19 things in life that are completely out or encourage her to go out because nothing “normal” about Covid-19 and as a perfectly legitimate choice that of our control. Sometimes, some- yes, it is far better to see someone in so shidduch dating has had to adjust speaks to their values and safety thing is so big (a pandemic...some- different settings, in my opinion it to our new normal. (aside from gross negligence). Your one feeling unsafe to go indoors or might be wisest to allow your sister

I noticed some of the words you sister is taking precaution as so many even dine outdoors) that we truly can to figure this one out for herself and used around your sister’s decision others have done. As an aside, I work recognize how small we actually are. come to peace with her decision. to date in a very Covid-friendly way. with many different kinds of people, This is a situation where I certainly “She won’t even go outdoor din- and there are many daters who have don’t have the answer. Even if we ing...” “She has to see him interact not stepped foot in a restaurant, sat conveyed to your sister that she must

There are many daters who have not stepped foot in a restaurant, sat in a car with a date, or gone anywhere indoors.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.