Teen Talk

by rabbi Doniel Drandoff, LMFt

Dear Teen Talk,

When I was younger, I was always on the chubby side. Actually, I was extremely overweight. Vivid memories of being bullied and made fun of still haunt me. In school, other girls would say horrible things to me and I just felt terrible about myself.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when, but sometime in the middle of 7th grade I began to grow. I guess you could call it a growth spurt. Between then and the end of 9th grade, I lost a ton of weight, while growing about 4 or 5 inches. Now I am in 11th grade and, somehow, I am still stuck on thoughts of my childhood.

After losing all the weight, I became extremely health conscious. I have focused a lot on my diet and on exercise. I basically don’t eat carbs or anything with high calories. Mostly, I stick to salads with no dressing and other healthy foods. I also work out religiously.

Beyond the intrusive thoughts of my days being bullied, I have been feeling sick lately. Physically sick. I get stomach cramps and often feel really tired. I haven’t told my parents because I don’t want to worry them, but I’m beginning to worry. I’m afraid that my diet may have something to do with it but I cannot go back to being heavy and ridiculed. Some people tell me I’m too thin now, but I don’t agree. And regardless, if I let go then I feel I could easily slide back and lose myself.

What can I do?

-Eliana** Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

My heart truly goes out to you Eliana. It sounds like you went through some serious bullying in elementary school and the pain has stuck with you. I cannot imagine what it must have felt like all those years being made fun of for your weight.

It is only natural that in response to years of enduring ridicule you made it your life’s mission to stay thin. In your mind, you are fighting off demons every day of your life. One little slip, and you will tumble all the way down to a place of despair – a place where this child part still lives and is terrified. So, you diet and exercise religiously as a way of ensuring that you never have to feel that way again. That bullied child part dominates your life today.

Despite how understandable this all is, I have some serious concerns for your safety. While sticking to a healthy diet and regular exercise is healthy, physically as well as emotionally, I am worried that you have gone beyond that.

I would like to take a moment to discuss an extremely dangerous condition called anorexia nervosa, or anorexia, for short. Certainly, I cannot diagnose based solely upon the short paragraph you shared. However, I think that it is import- ant for you to consider what follows here, because what you are describing in your question has many of the hallmarks of this potentially deadly disorder. Anorexia is an eating disorder that affects many teens in the U.S. Research suggests that anywhere between

1%-2% of people 15 and older meet the criteria for anorexia, most of them being female.

While the cause can vary from person to person, and in many cases is a product of genetics, anorexia can develop as a result of some trauma. In the case of someone who was bullied due to her weight, the daily trauma of being ridiculed and made fun of can be more than enough to set it off.

There are two categories of anorexia nervosa. The first is restricting and the second is binge-eating/purging. In the case of the latter, the individual will go through bouts of really excessive eating, then purge by means of laxatives or self-induced vomiting. For someone who falls into the category of restricting, they will refrain from eating foods that are high in calories, and generally consume very little. They will also engage in other weight loss measures such as excessive exercise. Both types of anorexia are extremely dangerous.

Those suffering with anorexia are generally extremely thin, despite viewing themselves as being overweight or not thin enough. People with anorexia can have a severely compromised immune system which can lead to all sorts of illnesses. Most commonly, those with anorexia experience serious gastrointestinal issues such as abdominal pain, constipation,

and/or diarrhea. So many vital nutrients are missing from the diet of one with anorexia.

A person who sticks to a rigorous exercise regimen needs to consume many calories for the body to sustain itself and be healthy. I recall reading about the daily diet of Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps. The man was in tip top shape, with an extremely rigorous exercise regimen. He consumed upwards of 12,000 calories per day! That is almost as much as the average person consumes in a week! Yet, he was extremely fit. His body needed those calories as fuel to sustain his intense workout schedule.

Anorexics may work out intensely too, only their bodies do not receive that much needed fuel to sustain itself, so the body begins to weaken and shut down. In fact, many people with anorexia get cold easily, experience tooth decay, and suffer from osteoporosis (a bone disease that arises from bone density loss).

There is a lot more that can be said on the topic of anorexia and its dangers; however, I’d like to turn back to you now, Eliana. I am hoping that, in light of all of the above, you can see why I am concerned.

Your story is so painful and sad. I don’t blame you for having developed a complex regarding your weight, considering what you have been through. However, the fact remains that your body is telling you that this is not working. You mentioned feeling sick and that you suffer from fatigue and stomach cramps. Given your caloric restrictiveness and your intense workout regimen, it is not surprising.

So, it is clear that something has got to give.

If you don’t make some serious changes to your lifestyle, then things will only worsen from here. Yet, the thought of ingesting more calories and relaxing the exercise schedule is terrifying for you. As you said, returning to that place of being overweight is not an option. You will never allow yourself to be subject to the shame and ridicule you endured as a child.

And this brings us to the crux of the issue: Because of the trauma of what you went through, you have developed an intense fear of putting on any weight at all. At the same time, it sounds like you view yourself very differently from how others do. You mentioned that some people tell you that you are too thin, yet you are not able to see it. This fact alone is highly concerning.

I want to reiterate that this is in no way a diagnosis. A lot gets lost in translation with a short letter/question. Maybe you are simply taking your dieting and weight loss very seriously. But I have a feeling that this doesn’t ring true for you. You say that you don’t want to worry your parents but that you are worried. You are worried! The old memories “still haunt” you! Don’t ignore your feelings and what it sounds like your gut is telling you. Anorexia nervosa is extremely dangerous and should be taken very seriously; however, it is also very treatable. You can recover from this by taking some very important steps. This begins with reaching out to a trusted adult for help…hopefully your parents. Open up about your experiences as a child and how those memories are affecting you today. Talk about the pain and the fear and be very honest about your dangerous eating habits and exercise routine. Let them know how you have been feeling physically sick and that you need help.

I pray that you find the strength to trust your feelings and get the help that you need.

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

You diet and exercise religiously as a way of ensuring that you never have to feel that way again.

Author’s note: The topic of eating disorders in teens is extremely painful and scary. There is so much that needs to be said to parents that goes beyond the scope of this single column. For this reason, next week’s “Teen Talk” will be addressing parents on the topic of what you need to know when it comes to teens and eating disorders. I hope to provide parents with some key information, as well as advice and guidance.

Rabbi Doniel Drandoff is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in the Five Towns/Far Rockaway community, as well as Clinical Director of My Extended Family. He works with teens, young adults, families, and couples. You can reach Rabbi Drandoff at Dndrandoff@gmail.com.