10 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LcSW of the Navidaters
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Before I go into my question, I want to tell you a bit about our family dynamics.
Our family has four girls and one boy, Moshe* (the youngest). He is a real catch – the sensitivity he has from growing up with so many sisters (plus all of our fashion advice doesn’t hurt!). He’s also very bright and can do anything he puts his mind to. He’s a shtark professional, who was learning full time for quite a few years until now. To all who meet him, they’re flabbergasted as to how he is still single. To me, it is quite clear.
Our mother really holds a tight ship surrounding his shidduchim. He is 33, and she still takes all his suggestions and fields the calls, collects the resumes, and makes the decisions. My brother feels like it would deeply sadden her if he demanded to take over (and he’s right). He is her baby, and she makes that very clear! She wants to control the situation and thinks he deserves only the best, but at the same time she really convinces herself that no girl is good enough. He’s 33 and still she has never allowed him to date a girl with divorced parents, BT parents, out-of-towners, or a girl who has had a broken engagement. She’s just as picky as ever (if not more picky) on his behalf as the years go by.
I see him with my kids and know he will be a great father. He looks at my mother with an ayin tovah and does not see anything wrong with how she handles his shidduchim, truly believing that she is acting for his benefit. I, however, along with two of my sisters, completely see right through the charade. We decided to send you this question. Do you agree this has got to stop? If we plan intervention, is that coming between our brother’s kibbud em?
How can we manage to create some change, so our brother has hope and freedom to find an amazing wife?
Thank you Chani, Tova, and Russi*
Dear Navidaters,
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
the rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Dear Sisters,
I am impressed that you are working as a team to help the situation of your brother’s shidduchim. Your query also reflects respect for your mother. At the same time, you are honest and real about the reactions and outlooks of your mother and brother. I think that a team initiative would be in place.
One suggestion is for all five of you to sit down and discuss things. The practical thing to do would be for all of you to agree to sit down with a mentor/rabbi/therapist and discuss the hows and whys of moving forward. This way, you show respect for your brother’s choice thus far as well as sincere caring. It’s not done behind his back. Everyone will have a chance to say what they think. Family dynamics will become obvious to the person you consult. Whatever is agreed upon needs some packaging and strategizing for presentation, of course. It’s going to be a discussion which will move toward actionable steps to take.
S/he may suggest that a gentle transition take place with your brother dating some people whom he’s investigated on his own as well as your mother’s vetted dating choices. That may be easier for your mother to handle and can be done with respect.
Keep in mind that your brother may need/want a dating coach. Maybe he is struggling with dating skills. It may not only be your mother’s gatekeeping that’s the issue. If the sisters are open and show their caring for him, he will open up during the conversation and won’t feel attacked.
Again, keep working as a team with respect, honesty, and pragmatism.
the Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Dearest Sisters,
I applaud your cohesive efforts to help your brother. The way your mother is handling your brother’s shidduchim is indeed hindering him. Additionally, taking away his ability to field his own shidduchim is removing his one basic avenue of hishtadlus. The poor guy sounds like a male version of Rapunzel, locked up in a tower by an over-controlling mother.
I agree that staging an intervention is the best way to proceed. You as a group must sit down with Moshe and discuss all the issues you are seeing with his current mode of filtering shidduchim. Approach
him from a loving place, without harsh judgment towards your mother. Make it absolutely clear that there are many amazing girls who are not “making the cut” because of Mom’s filtration system. Give him the encouragement he needs to take his shidduchim into his own hands and offer to help him with it as well.
Engagements
Yechiel Kelman (Baltimore) and Ilana Falick (Washington, DC) Yehuda Verschleisser (Baltimore) and Marisol Rams (Florida) Aharon Tzvi Horowitz (Baltimore) and Yeti Tikotsky (Lakewood) Chaim Yehoshua Schuchman (Baltimore) and Bracha Bluma Danziger (Lakewood) Mordechai Palmer (Baltimore) and Rivka Garry (Baltimore) Michoel Insel (Baltimore) & Nechama Klein (Baltimore) Yisachar Kroll (Baltimore) to Fraidy Edelson (Monsey) Shlomo Pollack (Baltimore) to Etti Rubin (Baltimore)
Want to see your simcha here? Email mazeltov@baltimorejewishhome.com or text 443-675-6507 to submit your simcha!
Additionally, as a team, you must approach your mother and lovingly make her aware of the changes coming to Moshe’s approach. Don’t ask; tell – she must know you’re in this together.
Lastly, I don’t know where your father is in all this, but you must keep him in the loop as well. I see this situation play out so often, so realize you are not alone.
Dear Readers, if you are reading this young man’s plight and think you might just be “that mother,” I beg of you to get help. Your son will always be your baby but sheltering him to the point of stagnating his life is not the answer. Every person is a package, even your dear son. So put some time into learning how to create a healthy attachment where you can see your son get married and move forward, handling his own shidduchim and making his own decisions.
the Single
Tzipora Grodko
Torah is meant to enhance our lives, not limit it. If a person is following a mitzvah and something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t.
Honoring your mother does not need to be compromised by creating an intervention or having a healthy conversation in a respectful way. Your brother is an adult and can choose to take responsibility for his shidduchim while including his mother in a way that supports his needs.
It would probably be best for you to connect with a rabbi to gain clarification on what determines kibbud em in this category, as I am far from a rabbinical resource (which seems to be dominating your concern).
Your brother is lucky to have such caring sisters!
the Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Ilove that the three big sisters are watching out for their little brother. If he is as awesome as you describe, then:
First, he is certainly aware that virtually all of his yeshiva buddies are married.
Second, he sees that his sisters are happily married.
Third, he likes kids and enjoys playing with his nieces and nephews.
Fourth, he is a 33-year-old, educated professional and is well-aware of the world around him.
Therefore, when you report that your mother “has never allowed him to date a girl with divorced parents, BT parents, out-of-towners, or a girl who has had a broken engagement,” and that her being too picky is the cause of his still being single, it just doesn’t ring true.
At this point in his life, if he really, really, wanted to get married, he would speak up on his own behalf. Have you tried recommending young ladies, that you know personally, to him? Have you asked him pointedly, “Would you like me to address this issue with Mom?”
I asked a shadchan friend of mine, and her comment was, “If the brother wanted her help, I’d recommend that she step in, but since her brother doesn’t seem frustrated or upset, I don’t think that her meddling will accomplish anything but family strife. Sometimes you need to wait until the person is ready to ask for help.”
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Hi sisters! Thank you for writing into our panel. Your brother is blessed to have three such spectacular sisters who can see an unhealthy dynamic at play and who are considering staging an intervention to help your brother and possibly even mother out of this very controlling and inappropriate situation.
I am not a religious figure and can’t comment on whether or not this decision would be interfering with the mitzvah of kibbud em (the religious instruction of honoring one’s mother.) From a life cycle and mental health perspective, it does seem a bit unnatural that, at age 33, your brother’s roman- tic life is completely con- trolled by his mother. It ab- solutely warrants the question being asked to a religious authority figure for some halachik perspective.
How painful this must be for you sisters. If your brother saw this as problematic and was wanting help, the path would be a bit more clear. Being that he doesn’t see the issue will most likely prove helping him more challenging. People have to want to change in order to make changes.
I don’t know your mother or brother, so please take what I am about to say with a grain of salt. (Sea salt, table salt, Himalayan salt…all the salt!) From what you described, your mom and brother seem a bit enmeshed with each other. While enmeshment is rather complicated, for our purposes I like this definition. “Enmeshment is a concept in psychology and psychotherapy introduced by Salvador Minuchin to describe families where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development.” (Wikipedia)
When healthy autonomous family members, such as you sisters, try to help enmeshed family members out of the unhealthiness, it is often met with resistance and sometimes even causes rifts. Keep your own emotional wellness in mind as you decide your next steps.
The simplest road, and perhaps one already traveled, is to involve your family rabbi and have him speak with your mom. If you move ahead with this, there are specialists that stage family interventions who will assist you. Just remember that this may be very delicate, and your brother may not see his situation as problematic. It is ultimately your brother who has to see this as problematic, and he may have a long road ahead of him to gain emotional independence from your mom. He may need your mom in this way.
I want you to have realistic expectations for what this may look like and all the factors that are at play.
If any of you are married, you can invite your brother to your home for Shabbos and show him a healthy home with autonomous male role models (aka, your husbands.)
I do wish your family all the best and hope this is successful!
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
