B A LT I M O R E J E W I S H H O M E . C O M
THE BALTIMORE JEWISH HOME
MAY 20, 2021
66
Mental Health Corner
Bearing a Grudge and Forgiveness By Rabbi Azriel Hauptman
Forgiveness is difficult to discuss when one has been a victim of an egregious offense, especially if the other party is someone who had been a close friend or family member. Nevertheless, it is worthwhile to compile some of the benefits of forgiveness from both a religious and health perspective. This allows us to be more informed when we have to deal with the ultimate question of, “To forgive or not to forgive”. As a disclaimer, we must clarify
for ourselves what is not included in forgiveness. • Forgiveness does not include rewriting history. If someone was a victim of abuse, there is no reason to convince yourself that what happened was okay. • Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process where you do not walk around with angry feelings about that person. Reconciliation is an interpersonal process where one rebuilds a relationship
with that person. • Maintaining boundaries with toxic individuals has nothing to do with forgiveness. The same way we protect ourselves from the wind on a bitterly cold day although we bear no grudge against the wind, we also sometimes need to protect ourselves from certain individuals. Chazal in many places discuss the value of forgiveness. Here are a few citations. “Whoever forgoes his reckonings with others for injustices done to him, the heavenly court in turn forgoes punishment for all his sins.” – Rosh Hashana 17b “Rabbi Necḥunya ben HaKaneh was once asked by his disciples: In the merit of which virtue were you blessed with longevity? He said to them: In all my days… my fellow’s curse never went with me to bed. (If someone hurt me, I forgave him before I went to sleep.) This is similar to the story with Mar Zutra. When he would go to bed at night, he would first say: I forgive anyone who has aggravated me.” – Megillah 28a “One should be easily appeased and slow to anger; and when a sinner requests forgiveness, he should forgive him wholeheartedly and willfully. Even if one hurt him exceedingly he should not be vengeful and grudge-bearing, for such is the path of the Jewish people.” – Rambam, Teshuva, Chap. 2 “He should blot the grudge out of his heart completely, for as long as he bears the matter and remembers it he might be tempted to take vengeance... This is the proper ethical idea that makes possible the stability of organized society and the relationships between people upon this earth.” – Ram-
bam, Deos, Chap. 7 There are also health benefits from forgiveness. When one bears a grudge, there inevitably is a certain amount of anger and stress that lingers in the psyche. This raises the level of cortisol in your system. Cortisol is a hormone released by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight system. Raised cortisol levels are very important for brief periods of time when one needs to deal with a threat or a danger. However, when the raised level becomes chronic the results can be devastating to one’s mental and physical health. The possible health risks include depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, high blood sugar, a compromised immune system, and weight gain. When you forgive, there is a release of all of the internal emotion and stress, which allows you to live your life without the cortisol-inducing stress of bearing a grudge. From the fact that our Sages speak so highly of forgiveness, it clearly is not an easy task. However, the rewards of forgiveness are immediate as it affords us inner peace. As the adage says, “Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.” If you find it difficult to reach a place of forgiveness, a professional can help you process your feelings and achieve the inner freedom that forgiveness offers. This is a service of Relief Resources. Relief is an organization that provides mental health referrals, education, and support to the frum community. Rabbi Yisrael Slansky is director of the Baltimore branch of Relief. He can be contacted at 410-448-8356 or at yslansky@reliefhelp.org
