10 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
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Dear
Navidaters, We would like to hear your perspective on how to deal with our daughter. She has been in shidduchim for seven years, and nobody she dates is ever good enough for her. We obviously want what is best for her, as her parents, but we walk a fine line between frustration and sensitivity. We think she is too picky with her standards of looks, personality, hashkafa and profession. We pretty much leave her alone since she is very headstrong and independent; our “words of wisdom” would probably not even penetrate. Over the years, we have tried talking sense into her about the way she dates, for instance: not going out with a guy unless she REALLY likes his picture, saying no after one date if a guy’s nose is too big. Every time I send an idea for a shidduch, she nixes it right away by saying she either knows of him already or a friend dated him and is “not for me.”
How can we effectively handle this situation?
All the best,
Frustrated Mom
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Ihear your frustration loud and clear, Mom. And I feel your pain. It’s hard to see your daughter’s rigidity and dismissiveness of prospects. You want to see her more open in her dating choices.
Your role as parents is no longer as advisors and are not connected with sharing wisdom at this point in your relationship. Communication about dating (and probably other areas) is not good and will probably not improve any time soon. You are very far apart from being heard by each other, unfortunately. There is no point in playing the blame game in this breakdown of your relationship.
Your relationship with your daughter is seriously challenged right now. And improving that is probably even more important than her approach to dating.
I would suggest that you focus your efforts in two areas. One is davening for her to find her zivug.
The other is connected to your relationship with your daughter and finding spiritual and emotional support for yourselves during her prolonged singlehood. Once you and your husband move forward on that path with the help of experienced rabbinic and mental health professionals, you will also improve your communication with her.
A critical first step in relationships is deep acceptance that you cannot change the other person; you can only change yourselves. This is a process that will only be triggered by acceptance of your daughter’s independence and adulthood.
It’s easy for panelists to comment and respond to the queries in this column; it is so much harder to put into practice the changes in mindset and communication that are frequently required. Good help and tefillah will be most helpful.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Dear Mom,
Firstly, your sensitivity shines through in your question. You and your husband are doing a great job.
The idea I have for the difficult position you are in is going to seem oddly unrelated; however, I think it will help. Build up your own marriage inwardly and outwardly so your daughter starts to crave the same happiness, respect, and love a marriage based on realness provides. Try not to pay any close attention to her singlehood for a while. Let her feel the lack of parental obsession and concern her about her dating life. If you are able to, travel to new places with your husband (if you are vaccinated), go on date nights, send pics to the family chat of the two of you spending time together. Focus your energy on your close relationships, your life, and your connection to Hashem. Build your own relationship into the kind of connection that will make her crave taking dating seriously. Though not through advice or anything direct, this might just be the psychological piece needed to boost her excitement for the next stage in life. Additionally, it will make you and your hubby happier, too!
The Single
Rivka Weinberg who really want the best for her. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you and your husband to walk the fine line between the frustration and sensitivity that you mention. I give you credit for stepping back and not continuously offering unsolicited advice, although I am sure that is not easy for you. I suggest you continue to do so to prevent the possibility of pushing your daughter away. As a young adult myself, there are countless times when my parents suggested specific activities or gave pieces of advice, and because I believe to know better than them, I disregarded their opinions.
It sounds like your daughter is not receptive to what you and your husband are proposing, so I believe it is time to reach out to outside resources. If there is a specific rav, teacher, or mentor that your daughter has a kesher with express your concerns to that individual. Many times, different people can offer the same advice, however, until it is heard from the right person, it will not penetrate correctly into the mind. It is clear in this situation that there is an information deficit between what you and your husband believe from your life experiences and what your daughter seems to think she knows from her own.
Ultimately, as difficult and frustrating as it is, your daughter will have to come to the conclusion to change by herself. As I am sure you know from raising your daughter, headstrong and independent people often need to exhaust all of their resources self-sufficiently, and only once they feel their system is not working will they come for help. In the meantime, as her parents, you can continue to network on her behalf and spread her name to various friends and shadchanim. However, please do yourselves and your daughter a favor and do not allow this to ruin your relationship. Unfortunately, there are girls and boys who get irritated with their parents’ involvement in their shidduchim, which leads to resentment. Your number one role right now is to be her loving support system. This process is most definitely not easy for her, and the last thing she needs is further aggravation from her family.
Keep in mind that Hashem will send her zivug at the exact right time and not a second before she is ready. Continue davening to Hashem that your daughter should have the clarity that she needs to work on herself and to make the right decisions in her shidduchim.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Several years ago, “Failure to Launch” was a popular Hollywood movie that depicted a 35-yearold man who lived with his parents and was incapable or unwilling to get married, move out, and get on with his life. The movie was a comedy.
However, your situation is anything but a comedy. You are in an extremely difficult, frustrating predicament.
On the one hand, you want your daughter to be more realistic about finding her life partner. On the other hand, criticizing her and vigorously sharing your “words of wisdom” can irrevocably harm your relationship.
And, consider this: if she does listen to you and “settles” for someone, then, after she marries, she might blame you every time she has an unhappy moment or disagreement in her marriage.
Your daughter is undoubtedly aware that all of her friends are getting married and that she is rapidly being left behind. She doesn’t need you to remind her of that fact. Perhaps, of her own volition, she will see the light and be more open-minded.
Some of my Navidater colleagues will undoubtedly suggest that your daughter go for counseling to help her with the possible underlying issues that are causing her to reject every potential suitor.
I would suggest that you, yourself, as a very frustrated mother, go to an understanding therapist. You need to be able to vent your frustrations and learn how to live with your daughter, without making her feel your disappointment or disapproval. You are going through an exceedingly difficult time and need support.
An old but apt expression is: “Youth is wasted on the young.” Your daughter will probably roll her eyes and decline your help when you gently ask her if there’s anything that you can do to help her go through this difficult process, such as hiring a dating coach or therapist. One of life’s most difficult situations is when a parent has to accept that a child has the right to make their own decisions. (How about this suggestion: The next time your daughter goes on a date, pack all her belongings, leave her suitcases in the hallway, and quickly move to another zip code. Just kidding. I don’t mean to make light of your pain
but looking at the situation with a bit of humor might assuage the hurt.)
Pulling It All Together
the thing to do and we will never understand why The Navidaters and aren’t al lowed to ques we must suffer. And worthy of mention: suffering comes in all different Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists tion this, and so shapes and sizes. they go with the It is your time to focus elsewhere. flow, rejecting Focus on yourself, your husband, prospect after other family members and friends. prospect con- Take on a new hobby; invest in your-
Dsciously or sub- self. Steer your relationship with ear Frustrated Mom, honey?” consciously. your daughter away from all talk of
Thank you for writing into our if she likes to process This can be a lot for dating and marriage. She can’t hear column. One of the greatest chal- afterward. And simply a parent to cope with, and so if you, and it’s truly her choice. lenges a parent can face is when our mirror her. When she tells you feel like you need direction, I’m not a betting gal, but if I had children make decisions that we in you, “His nose is too big. I’m not guidance or support to help you to bet, I’d say your best chances of our hearts just know isn’t right. You interested,” you can say, “OK. He’s through this emotionally challeng- her coming to this on her own (if she see your daughter seemingly turn- not for you. The right one will come ing time, you can always speak with even wants to) is sensing that you ing down great guys and her chance in the right time.” If your daughter someone. no longer have her dating on your at a happy, fulfilling marriage and doesn’t approach you, don’t even It’s true. Some people seem to radar. I can sense what a deeply life. And that is heart wrenching for ask. cruise through this dating parsha loving mother you are. A mother parents to watch, helplessly. I don’t know your daughter, but without a worry or with minimal never stops worrying. But no one
As awful as this sounds, I think it is worth mentioning the possibil- worry, and some parents have their ever said she can’t have a little fun! all you can do is completely back off ity that she simply hasn’t met the kishkas torn inside out. And in the Invest in yourself. and drop it. If she approaches you one. It’s also worth mentioning that name of validation I want to say, “It’s about a date, listen if you can. Be sometimes singles are content being not fair!” I don’t know why this hapthere for her and support her. You single and aren’t ready for dating or pens. All I’ve come up with is that can even ask, “How was the date, marriage. Oftentimes, they feel it is we are all meant for different things, All the best, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
