12 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
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Dear
Navidaters, I need some advice. I’m a 23-year-old single woman with a good job and a college degree. I’m not yeshivish but not really modern. I’m put-together and ambitious. I’m mature and grounded, and have a very positive outlook on life. But...my parents got divorced (more than 15 years ago). I’m not asking for much; just a solid intelligent guy with a stable career who davens three times a day and learns a few times a week. I want an ambitious man who will support his wife and family. Is that too much to ask for? I find that there are so few men who exist with this criteria, and the ones who are available don’t hear about me. They get so many resumes, and because I don’t come from a perfect family, I get left behind. I’ve tried single events, dating websites, met with many shadchans, etc. I put myself out there. Yet, I still don’t get dates. I haven’t gone out in over a year. I’ve only dated a few men, and most were one-and-dones.
I know for a fact that if I met a guy naturally, he’d want to date me; regardless of my parents’ marital status. But, all the mechitzas and rules of “modesty” in the Orthodox world prevent singles from meeting. Of course, I’m very happy and living my life to the fullest. However, I’d like to have a companion in life. We’re built to crave a relationship. So, I’m asking you for advice. This system is leaving good women like myself behind. It needs a solution and more than a perek of Tehillim.
Chana*
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Chana, I am responding to your wish to get married. It is not my practice to hold forth on sociological issues in our community. I like to focus on individual needs and questions.
Nonetheless, I will preface my remarks with a few statements.
People with less-than-storybook families do get married. The system is not out to exclude anyone. The past year has been particularly difficult for those in the dating world. Most people have turned inward, and the normal social networking and events have been on hiatus. I feel bad that you haven’t dated in a year but that, unfortunately, is the case for many during this time of isolation and quarantine.
Perhaps now, when the world is opening up, is the time to become more creative in your networking. Everyone is eager to meet up. Go beyond the normal channels of shadchanim, weekends, and meetups. You are ambitious and your openness about that tells me you are willing to work at your long-term goals. You have a lot of strong qualities and perhaps you should now seek new social opportunities. Join a sports or hobby group. Or even better, create one. Share it on social media. Find opportunities to connect with people in other communities who share your interests. Volunteering in the right role will give you gratification and a new social circle. Travel, have fun, and continue to live life to the fullest.
If you find yourself nearing bitterness, it’s time for professional support.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Dear Chana,
Before I say anything else I must say this: Let go of your need for control and work on your positivity.
You are using your parents’ divorce as a pawn in the game to find blame in the fact that you are not yet married. You play the same move with your mechitzah comment.
If only my parents weren’t divorced. If only there were no mechitzas separating men and women at weddings. If only the rules of modesty were changed. If only… If only…. If only……
You are in a painful position and my heart goes out to you, but if I can be honest, you must work on your attitude. Take your frustrations, wrap them up, and turn them into positive actions. Recognize that you are a wonderful young (yes, young!) lady who has everything going for her but an attitude and jadedness tainting it. You sit too much in your sadness. I cannot tell you how many times a month I hear from guys I set up, “I would like a girl who is positive, upbeat, and not jaded.” There is no way your attitude is not affecting your demeanor on dates and at events. You know the character Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh? I used to have an acquaintance like that. To her, this was life; everyone was out to get her. Society was flawed. Frumkeit was constricting. Family was unreliable. Nobody tried hard enough to be her friend. She lived her life on if-onlys. If only everything was different. I can tell you that sadly it has been over 15 years that I have known her and, still, nothing in her life has changed. She is still sitting sadly in her parents’ home lamenting life.
As a famous author and motivator named Jeff Keller once said in his book, “A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.”
To a woman with soiled glasses, everything will be dirty. Clean your glasses, pick yourself up, and reinvent yourself. There is no life circumstance that will prevent you from getting married when you realize that you are not in control – G-d is. Find ways daily to cognitively thank Hashem for all the good that you have in your life.
Try to get out more, take trips to different communities. Get involved with singles who get together for communal meals; join an organization that allows men and women to work side by side. Go to singles’ events with a positive and confident attitude. People will look at you differently, and you will look at your life differently.
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Chana, I really hear the struggle in trying to find a with-it, smart, shtark, and career-oriented guy. At time,s it can be difficult when it feels like that balance simply does not exist. As someone who is also established in a good career, I understand why it can be difficult to find a guy whom you really respect. If anyone has any leads, please feel free to send him my way (rivkaweinberg2@gmail.com).
It is fascinating to me that you attribute your being single to your parents’ divorce and claim that you know for a fact that if you met a guy naturally, he would want to date you. However, you also say that you have attended singles’ events and have no success. It is funny because I have never been to a singles’ event where my sticker said, “Hello, my name is Rivka Weinberg, and my parents are married.” From that it is clear to me that not every guy who meets you, regardless of your family background, wants to date you.
It sounds like you yourself are not comfortable with your family situation, and you have not worked through the emotional baggage that comes along with it. The law of attraction discusses that the soundwaves a person puts out in the world are the ones that will come back to attract him or her. If you feel like you are not getting set up with quality boys, the first thing you should do is a deep internal search. Although you describe yourself as mature and someone who has a positive outlook on life, do you deep down really believe that? Before you go pointing fingers and blaming the “rules of modesty in the Orthodox world,” I suggest you go to therapy to work through these issues. Why are you always going on one-and-dones? Why doesn’t your resume get presented to the type of boy you are looking for? I am sorry to say, but I do not believe based off how you phrased your question that this is solely based on your parents’ divorce. If you are not confident with who you are and enough for yourself, then how can you expect a guy to see that within you?
Food for thought: I once heard that a person’s ambition usually stems as a coping mechanism for a life challenge one has faced. There is tremendous positive and negative impact when a person is ambitious, so pinpointing one’s intention and channeling ambition appropriately in every situation is crucial.
And you are right; you definitely should be saying more than just one perek of Tehillim if you want Hashem to help you get clarity throughout this process. He is the ultimate Shadchan, so if you do not acknowledge that first and try to take matters into your own hands, you will surely fail. Maybe now is the time to put your hands up and turn to Hashem because clearly your intense hands-on method has not been working. As individuals, we each need to find our own balance between hishtadlus and tefillah. It can
be a scary, long road if tefillah is forgotten and hishtadlus is kicked into overdrive.
I wish you much hatzlacha and hope you pick up that Tehillim, which you may have been disregarding up until now.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
You sound like a very educated and interesting young lady who is doing everything right and who has very reasonable goals and expectations. The mystery here is why you are experiencing these problems.
Please don’t be insulted if I suggest that your parents’ divorce is not what’s keeping you from getting dates.
From a purely mathematical point of view, there are an equal number of young men and young women whose parents have divorced. And, from what I can discern, men in their mid- to late-20s don’t usually reject a dating recommendation simply because the girl’s parents are divorced.
Because you report that you have not had any success at singles’ events, and that you have experienced a number of “one-and-done” dates, the problem might be in how you present yourself.
I hope you are not offended if I offer the following suggestions:
Ask a shadchan for honest feedback as to why you are getting turned down by eligible men, not only before but also after you have met them. It’s possible that a shadchan simply doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and is reluctant to offer a negative critique unless directly asked to do so.
Meet with a dating coach and ask her to be brutally honest with you. Maybe you need to dress differently. Maybe you need to fix an unattractive smile. Maybe you have bad breath.
Consider moving to a community where young singles get together for co-ed Shabbos meals. Meeting like that, without a shidduch resume, and without the pressure of a stressful singles’ event, might be useful.
Perhaps dating men who are a bit older might be helpful. They are often more open-minded, having had more life experiences.
Good luck!
ple feeling them you are dating. Oftentimes,
Pulling It All Together left behind or ignored, waiting sometimes people will have small Shabbos meals with a few single men and women at their homes. Find out about every The Navidaters months in between shidduch event that is going on. Join all the Facebook groups geared toward sinDating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists dates. gles and dating. Call rebbeim from (Of course, shuls. If you are uncomfortable doing there would be so, try to find someone to do it on your tremendous val- behalf. Join Saw You at Sinai. ue in creating a I agree that a year in between
Dkosher venue for dates is a very long time, and someear Chana, Orthodox men and thing feels stuck to me. Let’s try to
I’m so sorry that you are having are wired for connection women to meet. I have jiggle this open a bit and create a rethis experience in shidduchim. It’s and attachment. I am actually thought of creating pro- alistic avenue for you to meet guys. awful and unfair to be judged and so glad to hear that you are gramming in which I could bring My gut tells me that you need to work then excluded due to your parents’ living your fullest and best life my skill set to help set people up. with a dating coach, so I thought I’d divorce, a decision that had nothing while dating. That would entail teaming up with a share that sense with you. to do with you and may ultimate- Dating, both in the Orthodox reputable Jewish organization or re- And finally...if anyone is interestly have been the healthiest thing in and secular world, is very challeng- spected rav.) ed in reaching out to Chana or learnthe world for your family. To add to ing and complicated for many peo- If you haven’t worked with a dat- ing more about her, please contact me this are all the mechitzas you speak ple. Each world brings about its ing coach, I advise setting up a ses- and I will get you in touch with her! of in Orthodox dating. Perhaps if own unique challenges. The secular sion just to make sure there is ab- Wishing you all the best, Chana! guys could get to meet you without world is brimming with dating apps solutely nothing on your end to be I hope you meet your bashert very all the barriers, you would be able to and trying to be noticed amongst in- working on. I’m sure you’ve done so soon! meet your bashert sooner rather than finite amounts of suitors; with men already, but just in case, it’s worth later. I certainly can understand your and women feeling disposable. The mentioning.... desire to be with your beloved as we Orthodox world leaves many peo- Talk to all of your friends and tell Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
