Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear I’ve been on a Zoom speed dating group that has been going Navidaters, amazingly. Everyone is around the same age range/hashkafa, and it gives us an opportunity to meet a few people and decide who would be good for each other after a series of Zoom speed dating. It’s been a recurring group, and we have spoken both as a group and individually two times. So far, I’m very interested in two guys

I’ve met through the group, and I can’t choose who to proceed with. I know, I know. I should be counting my blessings. The problem is the one I am more interested in lives far away, and would be less likely to meet up in person with social distancing. The one I’m a little bit interested in, but as of now see less potential in, lives closer, so meeting could work.

I’m scared if I don’t pursue the opportunity with the one I am more interested in first I will lose my chance with him. On the other hand, it may not be smart now because we can’t meet in person anyways.

I would love to hear what the panel thinks.

Thanks, Sara

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S. S ara, it’s smart of you to join this form of dating now. While in-person dating is very limited, you are continuing your efforts to meet men. I applaud your efforts to keep moving on and trying. However, do not overthink things. If within a compatible forum you encountered someone who seems to be a good potential dating partner, go for it or him. It is the healthy thing to do. Although the current restrictions on meeting people are limiting dating, you should go for someone who interests you and seems to have the personality and values you appreciate.

Part of dealing with the current life is the narrowing of choices for day-to-day life. If you need to purchase something, you buy from the safest place. Your entertainment and socialization choices are restricted for now and perhaps the next few months. However, choices for big things matter, especially life partners.

Dating remotely gives you the opportunity to showcase your personality and be creative about it. It gives your wit, humor, and style a new way to shine. Focus on the opportunity to engage with someone who is interesting to you and see where it goes. And enjoy it! Don’t worry and figure so much!

And if it is indeed your style to calculate, weigh, and measure, do some deep thinking about it. Understand yourself better and grow with the challenge. You will be smarter and in a better place to make choices because of it.

Every age group has their own unique challenges, and singles are no exception. I am hopeful, however, that we are at the tail end of strict quarantine. (Hey, I can be optimistic, right?). At the time I am writing this, things are progressing positively in regard to places opening up. Minyanim are being conducted in some states around the U.S. under strict guidelines. Some date places such as pottery painting and parks are open with proper social distancing. Baruch Hashem things are looking up!

Your date with Boy Number Two (BNT), the one you are less interested in, will likely be pointless if you go out with him now. Human nature is to gravitate towards that which might be better. In this case, you will continuously be thinking about Boy Number One (BNO), wondering if that would have been the better choice. This will not be fair to BNT and will waste your time, as well as your chances with him if he is your true bashert.

I know many stories of women who pushed off going out with someone because there were things that were not ideal at the time. Eventually, after dating many others, the previously suggested guy was given a chance, and things worked out. In almost all of these stories the woman relates that she would not have gotten to engagement without the lessons she learned while dating the others.

If your gut is telling you to say yes to BNO, it is the right decision for now. Go for it, you will figure it out. Who knows? By the time this is printed maybe you’ll be able to travel to meet each other.

Hatzlacha and hope to hear good news soon!

yourself and for striving to do what is right. When it comes to counting our blessings, even the biggest of blessings can come with their fair share of stressors and challenges. It is always important to recognize both sides of the equation. Lastly, shkoyach for going to these events and putting yourself out there.

For the sake of simplicity, let’s call the guy who lives nearby Moshe and the guy who lives farther away Dovid. Also, let’s make the assumption that both Dovid and Moshe are interested and willing to go out with you, too.

As I write this, I wonder what I would do in this situation. I try to imagine the emotions and thoughts that would go on in my head. If we were to perform a cost benefit analysis, saying no to Dovid now, which

Even the biggest of blessings can come with their fair share of stressors and challenges.

is painful and almost feels wrong in the short term, is saving you from immense amounts of pain later on. From a tachlis-oriented perspective, it is clear what to do and I have outlined that below. But not everything in life

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The Shadchan

Michelle Mond E very time I get a question these days, I have to pinch myself due to the reality we are living through.

The Single

Rena Friedman S ara, I appreciate your sensitivity towards each of these guys and

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can be boiled down to the logistics.

From an emotional standpoint, it is extremely difficult to say no to a guy you are interested in. It does not feel right because it goes against nature. The emotional and mental runaround of shidduchim causes all of us to think and rethink our moves as if we are playing an intense game of chess. In some way there is something Romeo and Juliet-esque intertwined within all of this where you want to date but the circumstance just doesn’t allow for it. As we all have learned over the last few months, sometimes life is just not fair. Hashem runs the world and it’s our avodah, especially during a time like this, to accept, adapt, and learn to roll with the punches.

If there is no way to meet Dovid in person, both of you should agree that there is mutual interest and under these conditions it would be better to wait. Each of you should date other people and meet in person if you’re both available in the future. Spending months Zooming with no in-person meeting in sight is signing both of you up to hurt yourselves and the relationship. A real relationship cannot progress over Zoom with proper vulnerabilities, relationship building, and chemistry. The reality is you do not actually know the guy sitting in “front” of you. You only know a small fraction of him and allow your imagination to conjure up the rest. Remember, the right guy at the wrong time is still wrong.

If you are even a little interested in Moshe, then definitely give it a shot. Go on another Zoom date and then meet in person. Moshe is around the corner, and there is no harm in giving it a chance, granted you are in the proper mental state that giving that idea a shot will not hurt you.

P.S: I would love to hear more about this event, and what made it so successful. Please feel free to reach out to me at renafriedman1@gmail. com.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler O ld anecdote: Everyone in the shul and in the neighborhood knew that Margie was a horrible, hateful, miserable human being. One day, she went to her rabbi and asked, “Rabbi, you are a holy man, and I need your advice. Morris and Seymour both proposed marriage to me, but I can’t decide which proposal to accept. With your Ruach Hakodesh, can you please predict, who will be the lucky one?”

The rabbi considered the question carefully, and answered gravely, “Morris will be the lucky one. You are going to marry Seymour.”

Sarah – I’m just kidding. Don’t be insulted!

No one can recommend the proper course of action for you. But following your gut instinct is always advisable. If you take the easy way out and date the local candidate, you will always wonder if you should have chosen the more

Following your gut instinct is always advisable.

Would You Do If...” I begin with the caveat that you must do what you see fit. No one can tell you what to do and ulti mately the decision is yours.

In my opinion, follow your heart. Go with your gut. Trust your in stinct. You are excited by the guy who lives further away. I think you owe it to yourself to work through the difficulties and challenges that dating will present to you during COVID19.

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Sara, This may be my shortest response in the history of “What

Have a question for the panel? They’re here to help you with your dating conundrums.

Email your questions for the panelists to Jen at thenavidaters@gmail.com.

For now, you can speak on the phone and Zoom date. It may blossom into more and you will figure out a way to meet if it is meant to be. If it doesn’t blossom into more, you will sleep soundly know ing that you followed your instinct.

I can’t tell you how many young women I have worked with in the dating parsha who, for one reason or another, did not trust their guts. We always work on strengthening the ability and permission (which is often taken away by well-meaning people) to trust themselves - even if the person taking it away is them selves.Hashem gives us instincts, and for all different reasons we choose to ignore them.

difficult path.

You are already pursuing innovative pathways with Zoom speed dating. Why not go for it and try long distance dating with the young man that seems more attractive to you? If it doesn’t work out, you can always see if the local fellow is still available.

And, as an added bonus, the two young men, living far apart, will probably never get a chance to compare dating notes with each other.

I am sensing how deep your desire is to make a reasonable decision. But in this area, instinct and feelings trump reason. Go with your gut and be proud.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.