7 minute read
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
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Dear Navidaters,
My siblings and I are concerned about my mother.
She wants to start dating after losing our father a bit over a year
ago. She’s reaching out to shadchanim, friends, even family members, almost obsessively to
try to find a new husband. She has always been a powerhouse and doesn’t let feelings penetrate,
trying to keep a happy face despite any challenges. We’ve always admired her resilience but now we are
concerned.
Do we have good reason to be concerned? Is a year too soon if one has not really mourned?
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Ifind your concern about your mother very touching. However, your mother is an adult woman with developed judgment and life skills. If she decided she is ready and is reaching out to start dating, then you must respect that and trust her instincts, especially if you siblings are adults. You can be sure that others are questioning her readiness to remarry and bringing up the effect on her children.
You and your siblings may not see the whole situation. She may have mourned in her own way to which you may not be privy. Her resilience may be based on strong coping skills as well as the ability to be in touch with her own feelings and process them privately and/or with help. Your father may have told her to start dating soon, understanding her needs and ability to move forward in a healthy way.
You are your siblings may want to talk things through with a therapist as a group. Perhaps you are not ready to have her move on. Perhaps you are afraid of losing your mother shortly after losing your father. It may be a good idea to consult a grief therapist to process your own grief and feelings about your mother’s reaction and plans. There may be things to say to her which can be healthy but respectful.
Get help and communicate very carefully and respectfully with mom.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Iam so sorry you’re dealing with this painful challenge. Neither you, your siblings, nor us panelists can assess when the best time is for a grieving parent to move on. What we can all agree on, however, is watching a parent move on while the kids are still grieving must be excruciatingly painful.
The most important thing for you and your siblings to do is show respect for your mother’s personal decisions. As hard as it is, try not to let your pain damper her ability to move on if she feels ready. It might be helpful to go to family therapy to process the tragedy together as a family, if you have not already done so.
Wishing you and your family only health, happiness and simcha going forward.
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
The Single
Tzipora Grodko
Dear Concerned Siblings,
Parents are supposed to live forever. It hurts to me know that you and your siblings are struggling with this extraordinarily painful challenge. Mourning does not have generic rules, and everyone learns to heal and cope differently. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world, and it seems like your mom is very determined to move forward (based on your short description).
I’m not concerned about your mom; however, I am concerned about you and your siblings. What do all of you think about your mom’s decision? Is it possible that you’re projecting your own concerns onto her? Allowing the possibility of a new step-parent into your life can feel inappropriate and painful (and possibly not something a child can ever feel “ready” for). The answer is not simple, nor can anyone provide you with an answer expecting you to be comfortable with it. I encourage you to continue having open conversations with your mom and siblings expressing your feelings and gaining support, closure, and clarity throughout the process.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
If your mother feels that she is ready to start dating, who are you to say otherwise? In reality, it seems that it is you and your siblings who are not ready for this new phase of life.
Many widows and widowers, especially those who have had happy and fulfilling marriages, often seek to remarry fairly quickly. For an active adult, it is very difficult to be a single in a world of married couples.
My advice: Don’t stand in Mom’s way. She has gone through a very difficult time. Don’t make it more difficult for her by impeding what is best for her. Think of the fun you can have pre-screening her dates, interviewing prospective suitors, and giving her marital advice.
If and when your mother remarries, it is not to replace your father; rather, it is to provide your mom with a companion. No matter how loving, caring, and supportive you and your siblings might be, you cannot take the place of a husband.
Thank you for writing! I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. The weight of loss is immeasurable and different for everyone, and I just want to express my condolences and acknowledge you and your feelings as well as your mom’s.
Feeling our feelings and allowing grief to penetrate is of utmost importance in the grieving process. I understand why you and your siblings are concerned about your mother, believing she hasn’t worked through the emotions of your losing your father. She is strong and keeps it all together, putting on a brave face and plowing through. Some may view her behavior and effect as a result of her resilience, and some may wonder if she is avoiding feeling the loss of her husband. As you watch your mother begin to express an interest in dating, a sure sign she is ready for the next chapter of her life to begin, you are naturally left wondering if she is dating so soon to avoid dealing with the deeply painful, gut wrenching feelings of your father’s loss.
In a nutshell, I don’t have the answer to your question. And I don’t believe you will have the answer to your question either. That is because the question doesn’t belong to you or me. The question belongs to your mother. When the door to your mother’s bedroom closes at night and she lays her head on her pillow, we don’t know what she is thinking and we don’t know how she feels. A brave face and a smiling mouth are not necessarily synonymous with her not feeling her feelings.
I cannot tell you whether or not you have reason to be concerned. You may or you may not. Your best bet is most likely to come alongside your mother. Express your loving concern and show her enormous support for her decision to start dating. Most people on Earth do not want to be alone. While some widows and widowers choose to remain alone, many want to get remarried to enjoy all the wonderful benefits of partnership and companionship. This can be the most normal thing in the world and actually a sign of life – wanting to move forward.
Ultimately, your mother needs to make this decision for herself. When a parent moves on after the death of the other parent, this naturally may bring up all sorts of feelings for the children, no matter how old. Children are always children. And those feelings a child has for a parent never ever go away. If feelings about your mother moving on are stirring up your own feelings about your father, alav hashalom, you may find speaking with a professional to be very helpful.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
