Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Creating a United Front

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Dad says one thing, Mom says another, and their child is caught in the middle. It can be confusing and upsetting for children when their parents give conflicting answers. Alternatively, some children take advantage of the situation and manipulate it. Neither of these situations are ideal.

As parents, we have the obligation of creating a stable environment for our children. Part of physical and emotional stability is knowing a parent is present and in charge. They may not always like our rules and regulations, but they do like the safety of knowing we’re watching over them and taking responsibility. When parents present conflicting answers, it erodes the feelings of comfort we’re trying to encourage.

Importance of Guidelines

Rules and regulations may not be popular, but they prevent mayhem and create a sense of comfort. Your child may be upset that you don’t let them bike three miles for a slice of pizza at midnight, but parents are given the unpopular task of ensuring their child’s safety.

In addition to preventing children from engaging in dangerous behaviors, having clear guidelines creates a sense of security for our youth. They learn what they can do, can’t do, and that someone older and more responsible is taking care of them. Knowing there is someone they can rely on as they cluelessly navigate this world gives them a sense of security in their lives.

Importance of Unity

Whenever there is more than one person in a room, there is naturally more than one opinion. Mothers and fathers are very different people, and we view the world from very different perspectives. There is a clear benefit from more than one way of seeing an issue, in addition to the natural strengths each parent brings to the equation.

When parents come to an agreement about an issue before answering their child, they are providing a united front and a sense of security. When parents disagree, bicker, or give conflicting responses, it creates confusion in a child. Now they don’t know which parent to listen to and they are unsure of what is expected of them.

It need not be a big issue; even something small like whether they can go to a friend on Shabbos afternoon can become a big issue when there is parental conflict. Disagreement not only wastes time and energy, it also creates bad feelings for everyone and creates an emotionally unhealthy environment for a child.

When children see parents can’t agree, it diminishes some of the respect they have for the adults in their life. Taking a step back, we can readily see how a child could view adults that squabble.

When Parents Don’t Agree

Parents don’t always agree, and that is completely normal. We are two different people and are intended to have two different opinions. Rather than expect parents to think similarly, we should assume the default will be conflicting ideas. Recognizing this reality, when we anticipate we won’t agree, it’s better to have that discussion before answering a child. This allows the parents to present their answer as a strong, united front and not a disorganized, uncertain one.

Often, it’s better for this discussion to take place behind closed doors. While ideally parents shouldn’t argue, they certainly need to avoid doing so in front of their children. If you anticipate it’s going to get heated, then excuse yourselves for the discussion. In addition, stay away from smaller ears if the discussion will involve information they shouldn’t be privy to. There can be many conversations that are important to have yet are not appropriate for your child to hear.

It’s wise to pick your talking space carefully. It’s amazing how powerful a child’s hearing can be when they really want to find out information; adults call it eavesdropping. Also, if chas v’shalom parents are yelling, then kids can’t help but notice.

This paragraph is just my humble advice based on personal experience. Most issues that parents will be presented with aren’t that important in the long run. It’s the exception – rather than the norm – that parents are faced with truly life-altering verdicts. When these day-today questions come up, it’s often better to lovingly yield to your spouse than it is to make everything a major discussion. Save those brownie points for when it truly matters to you.

This is all easier said than done as emotions can quickly cause conversations to get heated. Additionally, when parents are having shalom bayis issues, then even the tiniest of issues becomes the biggest debates. It may be a prudent decision to call in a third party or professional to help parents learn to communicate effectively and make decisions. Adults are entitled to their feelings, but children can’t become korbanos. We love our children and would never want to hurt them. Making an effort to stick to the problem at hand and stand united before our children is one way to show our children we care about them.

Ultimately, once a decision is made, we need to stand together when presenting it to our children. It doesn’t matter if we fully got our way or are completely happy, our kids don’t need to know that.

Teaching Communication Skills

Our children learn from us. We can be the model of what they should emulate or what they should avoid, chas v’shalom. Every day they interact with their siblings, peers, and neighbors. Knowing how to solve conflicts and come to a mutually beneficial decision is a skill they can use now and in their future relationships.

May our homes continue to be a place of comfort and security for our youth as they navigate their way through childhood and a new school year.

Have a peaceful Shabbos!

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.