Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters, I got engaged during the corona shutdowns. The guy I met seemed to be like an incredible, deep, thoughtful guy, and our dating was limited to outdoor lounges. Fast forward to now. I am divorced, and I can’t even believe I’m in this position. After we got married, I noticed almost immediately he has severe social anxiety and OCD. We tried working through it, but it was way too much for me. The fact that he hid it from me added to everything as I could not respect him.

I’m dating now and my prospects are, to say it nicely, not my caliber. I’m being set up with BTs (I’m an FFB) and other types of guys I wasn’t looking for before getting divorced. This is not the type I’m looking for. Why start now? But I am feeling pressure from friends and family to be more open.

I feel like it’s not fair. This was never the plan. I feel I should be able to find what I was looking for originally before I got married. Isn’t that valid?

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Please reread your query. You come across as not having processed your experience.

It is normal to grieve the loss of one’s dreams. Coming to terms with your new reality is another part of the journey. Developing your own identity and strengths will happen if you invest in yourself with professional support. You can come out of this episode stronger, deeper, and more mature. You will then be more successful at making independent decisions.

Grow and become yourself with help.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Iam so sorry for the difficulties you have gone through and continue to go through due to this divorce. I know you feel this was never part of the plan and one big mistake. I assure you, though, Hashem does not make any mistakes. I have heard countless times from happily married second-time-arounders that it took a failed first marriage to amend priorities to be open to the kind of person they married the second time.

In this lifetime, you will never understand why you had to go through this difficult stage of life. I urge you to resolve the feelings that are saying, “It’s not fair” and “things should have turned out differently.” Things are how they are because of a wonderful ending you’re not privy to see yet. Just the fact that you look down upon BT suggestions as “not my caliber” shows me that you have not learned a crucial lesson.

Think about a senior in high school named Leah who is studying for her math exam. Mistakenly, Leah studies the wrong notes that had been given to her by a friend, and she fails. She keeps harping on the fact that she would have aced the test had she been given the proper studying materials by her friend. The teacher gives the option to re-take the test over summer vacation but she won’t take the teacher up on it because it will ruin her summer plans. She’s in denial! She won’t graduate if she does not change things around, yet she sticks her feet in the ground. You would rightly say, News flash: your summer plans weren’t supposed to happen if this is the situation you are in! Leah’s number one priority should be retaking the test during the summer and changing around her plans.

Forgoing good suggestions from different backgrounds on the premise that it’s not what you wanted in the beginning of your dating journey is not an appropriate excuse. Meet someone because they are an amazing person and have fantastic husband potential. If you would like to remarry, you must work through the denial and become more accepting of potential suitors.

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Thank you for writing into the panel. I am deeply sorry for your pain. To have been deceived in the way you were is what is not fair. When you married your ex-husband, you did not know that he had severe social anxiety and OCD. Most men and women who entered a marriage with a critical piece of information withheld feel anger, rage, and ultimately distance from their partners. Sometimes this can be worked through and the marriage can be saved, and sometimes it cannot. Feeling that this is “unfair” is completely natural and understandable.

You’re right. Your choice in life partner was made based on his lie. He took something precious away from you: your decision. And he manipulated you into marrying him. Being led to the biggest decision of your life based on lies and manipulation is significant, and if you aren’t already in therapy to process this and all you have been through in such a short amount of time, I suggest you go now. (A word to everyone dating. Though many may disagree with me, and that is fair because this is a free country, in my humble opinion, honesty is the best policy. I know it’s hard to reveal something that feels embarrassing or shameful, especially in light of the pressure and stigmas in the frum shidduch world and how so many of us are taught that our humanness is shameful (which it isn’t! Big lie! That’s the big lie!), tell the truth about yourself. Tell it fairly early on. The person who is meant for you is going to love you not despite it, but because of it! Lying creates distance. Honesty creates intimacy. The big lie being

Being “openminded” does not mean settling.

The Single

Tzipora Grodko

What an extremely difficult challenge you have been given. It takes bravery, tremendous courage, and an incredible amount of hard work to move forward. You deserve the best, and Hashem has someone specific that will be delivered into your life the moment the expiration date has passed for this extremely challenging life test.

I can hear your pain and understand your desire in trying to protect yourself as best as you can. Being “openminded” does not mean settling. Openminded simply means suspending assumptions and judgements on your suspicions, in order to determine if this person has the values you’re looking for, regardless of the package it comes in.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Your letter saddened me. You’ve gone through a very rough time, and the painful aftermath continues to affect your prospects. Dr. Samuel Johnson wittily remarked that seeking to marry for the second time after a disastrous first marriage represents the “triumph of hope over experience.” (James Boswell’s Life of Samuel Johnson, 1791)

However, you are hurting, and it’s inappropriate for me to joke about it. At this point, you don’t need humor; you need compassion and advice, so here goes:

First, instead of depending upon being “set up,” why not go out and meet eligible, appropriate men on your own? Consider bypassing our antiquated shidduch system and become a visible presence at synagogue, educational, charitable, and work-related events; or sign-up for singles’ weekends, like those sponsored by YUConnects.

Second, when dating your first husband, you completely missed his rather severe, hidden negatives. When you are now dating guys that you feel are “not the type you’re looking for,” is it possible that you are completely missing their wonderful, hidden positives?

A baal teshuva didn’t choose his former life. He is the product of his birth and upbringing. Some of my dearest friends could be categorized as BTs, and they are wonderful husbands, fathers, and friends.

Imagine the strength of character, passion, and dedication it takes to completely change one’s lifestyle and become Orthodox. To my way of thinking, that sounds like great marriage material.

Good luck, and I really hope that you will soon find true, lasting happiness.

told is that your secret makes you unloveable and therefore in order to be loved you must hide. The truth is that you can love all the parts of yourself, and you not only don’t have to hide, but the right person is going to celebrate you! And you deserve the opportunity to be loved completely sans hiding. And lying is so unfair to the other person. It just is.)

I’m going to be very real with you. Looking for a “type” did not pan out so well for you. Sometimes, when we are looking for a “type,” we are wearing some pretty strong blinders and may not see something incredible standing right before us. If you are wearing the same blinders (using the same lens) to date this time around that you used last time, you may want to consider getting a new pair. You are allowed to want to marry an FFB (frum from birth). We cannot help what we naturally want. It is the way you speak about FFBs and baalei teshuva that is somewhat concerning and may benefit from a re-evaluation on your part. A baal teshuva makes a decision to become religious on his/her own. The path a baal teshuva walks is often a hard one – going against their parents, keeping Shabbos alone, enduring their familial relationships and friendships changing because of their choice. Your feeling that someone like this is beneath you is of concern.

A few practical suggestions for you: 1. Make a list of all the concerns and advice your family and friends are giving you right now. For example, Meira told me I’m too picky. Dad said I need to be more openminded. Josh told me to really get to know someone for who he is on the inside. See if you notice any patterns or similarities in the concerns and advice. Sometimes we can’t see ourselves but the people who love us can. If you trust these people, you may want to consider working on this. 2. Go for therapy to process what you’ve been through. Unpack it. 3. In therapy, or on your own, explore the idea of taking a break from dating while you process your dating, marriage, and divorce and consider what you are looking for this time around. Though I was duped by my ex-husband, is there anything I am responsible for? What was my outlook going into the marriage? What have I learned about myself from this experience? How will I grow from this? 4. Make a list of the qualities you are looking for in the man you will marry and visualize and write about the kind of marriage you want. This is not a list about

You deserve the opportunity to be loved completely sans hiding.

hashkafah and the kind of job he has and what he looks like. This is a list about his character and the way he will treat you and the kind of relationship you want to be in. For example, he is honest, he is easygoing and kind. He is the kind of person who will be my teammate. He will hold my hand when I have a cold and talk with me when I get into a fight with my best friend. He and I will be best friends.

Wishing you all the best, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.