Crown Points Value Issue – CPV80 – August/September 2019 by Bárbara Negrón

Issue

Crown Point

Aug./Sept. 2019

Emma Mae Age: 1 Crown Point, In

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2019

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“DADDY, WILL YOU PLAY WITH ME?” DO YOU SUFFER FROM PARENTING COMPASSION FATIGUE?

BY KEALAH PARKINSON

he words were a beautiful invitation to a moment of love and connection, and Joe*, a.k.a “Daddy,” knew that’s what they were. He was proud of his son Aiden*. He treasured spending time with his son and watching him grow into an even finer young man than Joe, himself, had been.

But tonight, Joe was tired. Between work deadlines, staff/co-worker changes and the usual financial pressures, Joe’s personal plate was full. He had just settled his aching body into his favorite spot on the sectional couch and, remote in hand, was ready to lose himself in an episode or two of his latest binge-worthy TV show when Aiden appeared at the armrest. The words Joe wanted to say—“Not right now, buddy; Daddy’s tired”— were almost out of his mouth when he stopped himself. And inside of Joe, a struggle ensued. If you are a footnote-and-asterisk-reader, you’ve already learned that Joe and Aiden are not their real names, but this really is a true-life scenario told to me by one of my clients. Okay, I’m embellishing the setting of the scene based on how it plays out in my imagination. But I’m also guessing that your own imagination, if you are a parent, has been piqued. You may very easily have put yourself on that imaginary couch, remote in hand (or favorite book or handheld device or go-to self-soothing item), inwardly sighing and posing to decline. Cue up your own internal struggle … with guilt … and self-blame … and shame. And you have a recipe for disaster: Pushing off your kiddo’s request for quality time, then spending your own rare moments of personal downtime beating yourself up and squandering all the moments. How do you win? Parenting seems to be full of guilt these days. Blame social media, globalization, extra legalization or just plain jerkiness, but whatever the cause, the outcome is that times are changing, even inside of the ageold institution of the family. A clue lies in a recent New York Times article partially titled The Relentlessness of Parenting. As expected, online trolls pounced on that with the usual decrying and finger-pointing, mostly along the lines of, “Parenting is hard and always has been, so get over it,” “You’re bringing it on yourselves by helicopter parenting your little snowflakes,” and just plain, “Stop whining.” And the fact is that a lot of those comments, while harsh, seem to come from valid perspectives. Unfortunately, it’s that harsh edge to the comments that triggers and cements the parenting guilt that seems to mire so many families today with school-age children at home. Yes, some level of guilt has probably always come with parenting. I don’t know. I’ve only been doing it in the 2010s. But the majority of my friends and my two closest friends—my sisters—have one or two decades of experience on me. Then there are the decades beyond that which my parents and grandparents draw from in experience. They all assure me that parenting has certainly never been easy and typically been pretty thankless and, yes, even relentless. They all assure me it is the toughest, most rewarding job that you’ll never get paid for doing. In many areas of life, we often stand on the shoulders of those who came before us and add their wisdom to our experiences, thus shortening our own learning curves. But when it comes to raising children, the adages that worked in the 1990s and beyond seem in many ways to no longer apply.

In 2013, the very year I became a mother, Pew Research released new data comparing a number of parenting outcomes and areas: directly comparing and contrasting mothers, fathers, working and non-working parents, single and married/cohabitating parents, their time commitments and work-life balance—plus all of that same data to those of their 1965 counterparts. The 2011 survey results (and graphs showing their 1965 correlates) can be found at PewSocialTrends.org. The findings weren’t all that surprising overall: In general, moms still do more housework than dads; dads still spend close to 40 hours a week on paid work (though it’s slightly under 40 hours now versus just over that mark in 1965); more mothers work outside of the home than before; single parents are still more likely to work outside of the home; etcetera. One statistic, however, has spent the last 5-plus years making headlines. And that is that, despite the fact that in 1965 a smaller percentage of mothers worked—and the average mother spent only 8 hours per week on paid work—and today 60% of households with children under 18 now have two working parents (with those working moms putting in approximately 21 hours per week), time spent on child care has increased for both mothers and fathers by approximately 5 hours each. One article translated these results to the claim that: “Today’s working mom spends more time directly with her kids than a stay-at-home mom did in the 1960s.” That sounds unrealistic, even fantastical … but less so, after you read this quote from a 2018 Today.com article on the subject: “[Lamaze instructor and mother of 3, Deena] Blumenfeld’s grandmother struggles to understand her granddaughter’s modern mothering choices. She told Blumenfeld that moms today are too overprotective; in the 1950s a little freedom didn’t hurt her kids. Her grandmother once told her, ‘We used to leave the baby in the stroller, parked outside the restaurant while we ate.’” Contrast that with the very first parenting article I ever read as a brand-new mom—about a woman who had been arrested for leaving her unattended baby in the car … while she spent 5 minutes smoking a cigarette in a shopping center parking lot, in the legally designated smoking area, three car lengths away from her sleeping infant daughter whom she avidly watched snoozing peacefully in her car seat the whole time through the windshield. Comparing those two scenarios makes the word “relentless” sound particularly apt. My client Joe* has every right to take a break from that, doesn’t he? I mean, what about the put-your-oxygen-mask-on-first approach to self-care (the idea that you can’t take care of your dependents if you’ve permanently burnt yourself out—just like you can’t put on their oxygen masks in an airplane emergency if you aren’t breathing, because you didn’t put your own mask on first)? Where does that fit? “Compassion Fatigue” is a term created in the caregiving space, mostly referring to professionals or friends or family members who care for the chronically ill. According to the Compassion Fatigue

Project, an offshoot of the parent company and resource website HealthyCaregiving.com, “Caring too much can hurt.” The CompassionFatigue.org website goes on to share this definition: “When caregivers focus on others without practicing self-care, destructive behaviors can surface. … [A] long list of symptoms [is] associated with the secondary traumatic stress disorder now labeled Compassion Fatigue.” And because it’s been proven that our brains don’t recognize degrees of trauma—in other words, a traumatizing event leaves emotional wounds and scars, period—the term Compassion Fatigue is now being broadened in its usage to apply to other caregiving settings like hospitals, schools, doctor’s offices, spas and, yes, even parents. A direct result of total relentlessness, Compassion Fatigue is the extreme burnout that lets you know you haven’t been picking up that oxygen mask at all. We can all learn from my client Joe. He, like nearly half of all dads polled in the 2011 Pew surveys, fears that he doesn’t spend enough time with his kids. And he’s smart enough to get that not all time is equal—i.e., being in the same room with his son doing separate tasks does not create the same bond with his son that working a project together, even a short one, does. That’s why he caught himself before the words were out that day and instead replied: “Sure, buddy. You know, I’m really tired from my long work day, but I can still find the energy to play with you for 5 minutes.” Aiden beamed and ran to his room to get the cardboard boxes he’d slipped out of the recycling bin in hopes of building his very own robot. Tripping back into the living room, dropping boxes along the way, he chattered a mile a minute: “I got a small one for the head and a big one for the body and I found these paper towel tubes with no paper towels on them that I thought could make good arms ….” Joe smiled in spite of his tiredness and mustered the energy to shift himself down to the floor and get on his little boy’s level. He got so into the project—and the contagiously unbridled joy on his son’s face—that he played far longer than 5 minutes that day. But part of what made it easier was knowing that it was his own choice; that with a magic phrase like that, he could have set a timer for 5 minutes and honored that limit and still probably have won his son’s favor. There’s no magic bullet with parenting, as with life. What works once will not work every time. However, as Joe has taught me, shifting our own mindset to accept our situation, make healthy choices and set our own boundaries can do real wonders, helping us move from relentlessness to yielding tenderness and growing family bonds with love. *Not their real names. Kealah (KEY-la) Parkinson is a Communications Coach who lives in Crown Point with her husband and two young sons. She practices all of her own tools—and is currently offering customized workshops on Compassion Fatigue to healthcare facilities, spas, parents groups and pastors. Visit her website, coachkiki. com, or reach out to learn more: ask@coachkiki.com.

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C R O S S W O R D (See page 14 for the solutions)

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