Barefoot Autumn 2011

Issue nine Autumn 2011

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The School of Shamanic Midwifery is a community of women united by a revolutionary impulse for social change and healing, to bring forward a new sense of inner authority and inner power for all involved.

Four Seasons Journey 2012 Nov 2011 - Nov 2012

A year long, earth based, spiritual experience, preparing women to be shamanic midwives for their community and beyond.

Birthkeeper Intensives Sept 2011 Sydney, Melbourne

BirthKeeper Intensives are for midwives, doulas and childbirth educators interested in learning the practices of the shamanic midwife.

for more information and registrations go to

www.SchoolofShamanicMidwifery.com

Discover Village School

an inspirational journey

Our small independent primary school empowers children to learn for themselves, discovering, exploring and solving problems.

A bushland environment nestled in suburban Croydon encompasses innovative classrooms, a small farm and natural bush wetlands.

This is the backdrop for individual educational programs with emphasis on real life learning.

We foster each child’s special talents and discover his or her own pathways to achieving these outcomes.

Come and experience our unique learning environment for yourself.

Tour on Thursday 17th March or otherwise by appointment.

For more information, please contact our registrar on: phone: 03 9726 4766 fax: 03 9727 1752 www.villageschool.vic.edu.au

9–13 Holloway Road, Croydon North Victoria 3136

Contents 7 10 12 14

Features

Tears before tea time Holding the space for crying Anger The good, the bad and the ugly More joy, less shame Positive parenting in action Beyond the tip of the iceberg A story about fear, climate change and relationships

Children 17 20 30 36 16 22 34

Staying positive In amongst some negatives Unplugged Why some Australian families are rethinking TV Bullying Hurts...

My litte chair The Mother of all teenagers

People

This Kombi (mid) life Camping in comfort Love, sex and communication A Barefoot event Ordinary people doing extraordinary things Illuminated by Fire - Memory Box

Earth 18 28 37 38 4 6 24 27 33

Seasonal table Autumn recipes Our journey towards sustainability Reflections of an urban homesteader Seasonal craft Autumn mandalas Living the wisdom of the cycles Autumn

Regulars

Letters Your say From the team Editorial Seneka’s tales Midwife - with woman Book Nook Book reviews Educating...at home An ‘off’ day

Issue nine Autumn 2011

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Letters...

Reading Daisy’s story (Summer 2010) was an aha moment for me. I have twin boys in kindergarten, at the same school but in different classes. Both classes have children from a diverse social background, with a lot of disadvantage.

One son has a Down Syndrome (DS) friend in his class. As we come to the end of the school year the learning this special boy has brought to the class is evident. Their class has an obvious respect for each other that seems to run deeper than that in the other class. It is subtle and it was not until reading Daisy’s story that I realised what has brought it about. I agree with Kate, there is a need in our society to bring back the characteristics which DS children possess. Unrestricted love, the ability to laugh without fear, and a lack of judgement upon others. Thank you Kate for opening my eyes to what this special ingredient in my son’s life is.

Disclaimer: The comments and opinions expressed in Barefoot are not to be considered those of the editors or publishers, who accept no liability of any nature arising out of, or in connection to, the contents of Barefoot Magazine.

Publishing Team Rachel Watts, Anna Foletta, Charlotte Young Co-Editors Rachel Watts, Charlotte Young Blog Editor

Phoebe Maroulis Wellington, NSW

Our star letter wins a pamper pack from Fishica.

Thankyou and your team so much for your generosity to our playgroup. We appreciate your kindness and the Barefoot magazines were waiting for me when I got home yesterday. We have had our last gathering for 2010, but the magazines will be on the shelves and available for borrowing at the commencement of term next year. ps I have just purchased the latest issue and loving it!

With love to you all, Sue Maslin Nest Playgroup (Kinglake), VIC

Jenny Chapman Design/Advertising Anna Foletta Proofreading Skye Windebank Admin Graham Watts www.barefootmagazine.com.au Barefoot magazine is designed & produced in Australia.

Barefoot magazine is printed in Australia by Graphic Impressions Pty Ltd. It is printed using soy inks onto 100% recycled paper made entirely from post consumer waste.

Copyright of each piece belongs to the author/artist/ photographer; copyright of the magazine belongs to Budding Iris Publications. Republication is permitted on request to author/artist/photographer and the editors.

I recently received your Summer 2010 issue of Barefoot at the tail end of my subscription.

It was such a delicious read, with its nourishing content that reminded me to simply let go. To go through my days with awareness (something that I often forget to do), and soak up the creativity and energy that nature and our children provide so effortlessly. I think we can learn so many lessons about what life offers through them, if we only take the time to observe, be with them and let them lead the way.

Thanks so much for a really refreshing

“

Barefoot Magazine is produced by Budding Iris Publications. It seeks to inform, challenge, support, respect and inspire mothers, fathers, grandparents, carers and communities to live more consciously and value the importance of children and family life.

read once again, that is so wholesome and true.

I will have to get on to renewing my subscription!

Laura Innes Healesville, VIC Dearest Charlotte, Rachel and Anna, It has taken a long time for me to find the peace and quiet to read your wonderful magazine.

I put it on one of the piles that we had in our new house in those days.

We had only moved shortly before that, so there were house magazines, brochures of all kinds and sizes, house plans, correspondence with building related people everywhere.

I have started finding my way through everything that got left on piles in those days and I definitely found lots of time to read your beautiful magazine. I am so proud of you. It is like I don’t feel alone anymore. I had a phase before my first child was born about 13 years ago, when I did so much research in Australia on bio-dynamics, organic, Steiner, natural family life and could not find much. For a while I wondered where to start doing something about

Have you taken a photo that is perfect for Barefoot? Send us your favourite pics (low res first!) and have a chance at winning a 100% pure Australian Merino long sleeved top from the children’s range from our friends at Woolerina. Winner may choose size and colour.

So get that camera out and start snapping! www.woolerina.com.au Email admin@barefootmagazine.com.au

it and decided it is all to much for me on my own. So I made sure I imported things that I needed from oversees.

Times have changed of course and so much more is available in Australia now, but so far I had not come across anything or anybody who was able to put it all together. You are doing it.

Wonderful! Your magazine provides a home ground for like minded people. I feel very fortunate to have come across it and you.

Thank you three gorgeous soul sisters so much for your amazing weaving.

Silke Didaskalu Ballarat, VIC Thanks for sending my emag subscription so quickly.

I’m a nurse studying for a year to qualify as a midwife and a colleague printed the birth stories from the most recent issue for me. I’m working in a private hospital where a large part of the care is very medicalised which I often struggle with. Having looked at your most recent issue I’m so grateful that she told me about your magazine!

Thanks for helping me to learn and appreciate the more holistic side.

Katherine Bishop Waramanga, ACT I’d just like to take the opportunity to tell you what a wonderful job you all do with Barefoot. It’s a remarkable magazine...I always enjoy reading it and I find it so inspiring. It also serves as an important reminder of some of the things I do already know....and believe me...I really need that from time to time! Its also reassuring to know that a magazine with such high integrity is available to the community.

Really wish you continued success.

Writing a sincere thank you for the opportunity to escape into Barefoot world! At times I struggle to let go and take a moment to clear my busy mind, yet a read of Barefoot is always worthwhile. Last edition (Summer 2010) was fantastic and I particularly enjoyed the article ‘Finding Your Tribe’. I was incredibly blessed to find my ‘tribe’ when I settled in Geelong four years ago; an amazing community of like minded people that have supported us through the births of our two beloved children and our journey into parenting. It is undoubtedly easier to achieve a healthy work-life balance that respects our goals for an attachment/aware parenting approach with their support and encouragement. Indeed the role of friendship to ‘inspire, challenge [and] support,’ in adult life is often overlooked and an immensely valuable source of personal growth and exchange. I couldn’t be more grateful for the various tribes that enrich me both personally and professionally, for the individual people who give me their pricelessly honest self so that I have the freedom to give that same simple, meaningful sincerity in return.

I suppose I find another tribe of sorts through Barefoot, a source of effortless comfort and growth. Look forward to next issue and following your continued success.

Pippa Buxton Grovedale, VIC Pippa is the founder of Buxton Baby and is launching her new website soon - at www.buxtonbaby.com

Barefoot Autumn 2011 Contributors: Writers (in order of appearance): Charlotte Young, Melinda Whyman, Claire Miran Khan, Yolande Larrett, Vivienne Colgrove, Jonathon O’Donnell Young, Vanessa Chaperlin, Sarah Foletta, Meghann Birks, Jenny Chapman, Seneka Cohen, Kane Ord, Bec Pollock, Sandra Craig, Maria Lerch, Liz Vircoe, Sarah Young, Sarah Petrocchi, Jane Hardwicke Collings Artwork: Rachel Watts, Brooke Pyke, Steven Micheal King, Sarah Young, Vanessa Chaperlin (pgs 17 & 20), Pru Ervin, Narissa Butler, Janet Wolf, Tina Papasavvas Front & back cover - Julia Symons Photography: Front cover: Jenny Chapman Charlotte Young, Jonathon O’Donnell Young, Sarah Foletta, Jenny Chapman, Anna Foletta, Bec Pollock, Silvie and Tom Glattauer, Sarah Young, Sarah Pettrochi Barefoot Summer 2010 Issue: Issue eight Summer 2010

Natalie, via email Calling all you communicators...

The letter’s page is yours dear reader—so tell us what you’re thinking, feeling, doing! It’s a good way to connect.

Write and go in the running to win a 500ml Cheeki drink bottle from Going Green Solutions - Green your World! www.goinggreensolutions.com.au Come on! Don’t just think it, say it and send it!

Send letters to: admin@barefootmagazine.com.au

Creativity Sustainable play Finding your tribe Deep ecology

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Whenever I fly into a city at night (which isn’t very often) I’m astounded by the amount of light shining forth. The two questions that loom large between me and the aeroplane window are, ‘Why do we waste so much electricity?’ and, ‘Why are we so afraid of the dark?’ We’ve come a long way since the discovery of fire—the safety and power this has bestowed upon us has been phenomenal—but surely we’ve gone a bit over the top with the lights when it comes to keeping the predators at bay?!

Real or imaginary fears can shape and determine so much of our behaviour. One of the great and challenging things about being human and conscious is that we have the opportunity to step back from ourselves and notice our emotions. The less welcome feelings—fear and resentment to name just two—are more difficult to notice, let alone allow. But it’s in the reflective allowing that we get the chance to respond, to go surfing even; to start riding the waves of emotion rather than be smashed to smitherines by them, or worse, smash others with them. Recently I’ve been practising going towards that which I resist rather than away from it. Sometimes this works and often it doesn’t or I just don’t manage it. I’ve yet to master the art of emotional surfing though, I’m still working on the paddling to catch the wave part!

For this issue’s feature articles, we’re shining the Barefoot light on the dark side, paying attention to a few of those things that lurk in the shadows. There’s a hopeful story about fear, a close look at the roles of anger and shame in our lives and the open sharing of one mother’s response to her children’s tears. And then of course there are all the other juicy offerings!

We’d like to say a huge and heartfelt thank you to all of our contributors; the wordsmiths, the artists, the interviewees and the photographers. Their offerings make up this autumn’s edition of ‘children, people, earth’ and they all encourage us to tread gently and parent passionately.

And to you, dear reader we wish you happy reading and many moments outside under the stars, where it’s dark enough to see them!

Charlotte , Anna and Rachel P.S. You may have noticed a few changes to the regular Barefoot format. We’ve had to make these changes due to increased printing and distribution costs and to make sure that Barefoot is sustainable into the future. Rest assured though, we’re still going to be bringing you the beautiful, challenging and inspiring read you’ve come to know and love.

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Tears before tea time Holding the space for crying

words Charlotte Young and Melinda Whyman

‘And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears’ Kahil Gibran, The Prophet.

artwork Brooke Pyke Charlotte Young, mother of three mini gurus come rascals, is part of the Barefoot team and loves dancing.

Melinda lives and dreams in the green hills east of Melbourne with her four lively children and beloved Daniel. She

I’ve often wondered why a good deep belly laugh is so welcome but tears and wails are not. There’s no doubt which is the more pleasurable but crying is as much a cleansing and necessary part of living—of being expressive and human—as laughter is, yet we still seek to suppress and disallow it. We are taught from an early age that a crying baby should be ‘sshhed’ up, or a crying toddler with a scratched knee should be distracted with a, ‘Look out the window!’ to quell the noise. A good friend of mine, Melinda Whyman, mother of four, generously shared with me how her response to her children’s crying has evolved over the course of eleven years of parenting.

has a background in holistic health, is a recent graduate of the School of Shamanic Midwifery and is passionate about the soul making experience that Mothering can be when embraced in its sacred form.

Brooke is nineteen and starting college in Melbourne studying commercial arts (Graphic Design) after taking a year off last year. She works full time and runs her own small business ‘Intothewildwoods’ on the side, creating her own nick nacks, sewing patterns and cute felt toys.

When I had Finn I was mortified when he cried in public; I had this high anxiety of him being distressed and other people then thinking I wasn’t being a good mother. I was a first-time mother and it was all about that whole social face of mothering, ‘doing it right’ and feeling the need for acceptance from my peers. Looking back now I can see that it was a lot to do with finding my mother identity and learning that a crying baby was not actually linked to my capacity as a mother—It was just a baby moving through its process.

Then Eden was born and he cried a lot! Finn hadn’t cried that much, he was a very placid toddler and didn’t really have need for strong emotional expression. Eden had reflux and did lots of crying. It was still as distressing for me.

Doing so much mothering amidst noise and moving through that taught me that it was just part of the deal—mothering is a noisy job! Because of his reflux, Eden needed a lot of upright carrying and wanted to breastfeed often for comfort and this became the start of my attachment parenting journey. Looking back now I can really see how I probably breastfed him too often—as a bandaid

solution to manage my own distress, where a simple cuddle would have sufficed. As a result, he breastfed a lot as a toddler both day and night and whilst I found the feeding relationship enjoyable, I was often exhausted and overwhelmed by the weight of being his main source of comfort.

I identify how difficult it can be for mothers— especially for first-time mothers—to hold a space for emotional release for their children because back then I really felt that my parenting was under scrutiny. I felt observed and judged and believed that I had to ‘fix it’ rather than just sit and hold the space for his crying; to acknowledge it by holding him without shutting him down or trying to distract him.

When I had Pearl I had a completely different outlook on crying because I’d read the work of Aletha Solter. I resonated with her philosophy that emotional release is therapeutic and that if the space is held for babies/children/adults to move through, it lends itself to greater well being. So I started with this approach from the outset with Pearl as a newborn; attachment parenting to meet all her needs but if there was a point when her needs were met and she was still crying I would just hold her and allow her the space to work it through. Part of what motivated my decision to follow this approach was that Aletha Solter talks about disrupted sleep being linked to the suppression of emotional expression; if there’s a turbulent internal world the child will be less rested and we were really keen to get a bit more rest! Also we wanted to jump that hurdle of me needing to feed her off to sleep every time and ‘the child needing the mother to provide all the comfort’.

I identified with Solter’s theory that there was a relationship between my emotional experience and the baby’s. My capacity to hold and meet the strength of my children’s emotions and crying is clearly linked to where I’m ‘at’ on any given day.

Over the years, as I’ve done my own inner work I’ve found that experiences of weathering tears or strong emotions no longer push me back into my own painful story every time or have me feeling

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I want to shut it down or stop it in some way. I think what often comes up for parents when we are struggling with crying children, are our own unmet needs as a baby and a child. Hearing a baby crying can be distressing because it pushes unconsciously back to our own experiences of not being met emotionally—back to memories of neglect or abandonment. A lot of women have said to me that they have had memories surface, through their mothering, of being left to cry in their cot, of not having their needs met. It can be really difficult to find a new way forward when you don’t have the blueprint for healthy nurturing within your own past.

My toddler experience with Pearl was completely different to Eden. Because she had been allowed to find her voice as a baby, she continued to seek out that same space for emotional healing as she grew. She would just naturally know she needed to have a meltdown when she was feeling overwhelmed or distressed and she would come to us to be held to cry it out. Often she would be so relaxed; she’d fall asleep shortly after. Very early on she learnt to be able to sound or sing her emotions through; often there wouldn’t be any need for tears, she would just move the sound through with her voice until it was over or she was asleep.

As a four year old she still sings a lot through the day, often in a quiet corner somewhere playing on her own and I often wonder whether if it’s a continuation of emotional healing for her.

In my view, Aletha Solter’s work is fundamentally about creating clear channels for energy to flow freely through the body. To allow what wants to page

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move through, the space to do so. I know some practitioners of the work espouse a more disciplined practice of the holding theory than I have employed over the years—moving from the premise that babies and children ‘need’ and ‘should’ cry for a certain amount every day and efforts should be made to ensure this—but for me this feels too forced and it’s not a place I have wanted to go with my own children. I prefer to trust them to know how to find their own way to tears if they need to go there. If children really have got a safe trusting space to come to, I believe that they will just naturally moderate that whole experience for themselves. Sometimes, maybe they’ll miss the cues and they won’t have a cry when they need to but inevitably they’ll find the opportunity later in the day, maybe they’ll stub their toe or have a conflict with one of their siblings and they’ll have a huge howl that will be seemingly out of proportion to what happened and if you’re bringing consciousness to it, you can see that they’re actually taking the opportunity to have that cry they missed earlier.

As a mother of four, I feel like I’ve come a long way from being concerned by what others think.

Eleven years down the track I’ve learnt that generally if a baby’s needs are all met as they arise they don’t have the need to cry very much, unless there’s a physiological concern like colic or reflux or there has been past trauma during the pregnancy or birth. I still do advocate high contact parenting from the perspective of being present and listening carefully to the needs of babies and children—I’m talking about basic things like being

fed, changed, giving them lots of physical contact.

If you’ve ticked all those boxes and you still have a crying child or an older child that’s frustrated or struggling or has some kind of block there, then if you just bring yourself to a place of stillness and sit with what is, the child will often naturally follow suit and go where they need to go, it’s like an emotional exhale. It might not mean that they need to cry, maybe they just need to let go, especially with an older child, perhaps they need to have a conversation or just be in stillness with you and sit with their own stuff and sometimes just being witnessed is enough.

So many of my greatest mothering lessons have been about learning to just accept each of my children as they are and in this I’ve discovered that some of them simply need more emotional support and some need to cry more than others too.

My more sensitive children are the ones that have cried more, especially as babies. I feel that the world can be a more intense place for them and

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Issue three

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they’re very open so their capacity to manage that massive energetic download experience of daily life has made them feel much more overwhelmed than other children so it’s been more relevant for them to have the space held for them to cry and let it all out in a supported, loving way.

At the end of the day, I think it comes down to listening and knowing your own self well; so then whatever meets you on the road as a mother you can clearly see whether it’s your stuff or the emotional needs of your child arising. It’s not easy; I feel like I’m always learning and revising. And some days you just don’t do it well! (Laughs) References Aletha J Solter, 1997 Tears and Tantrums; what to do when babies and children cry, Shining Star Press, California Aletha J Solter, 2001 The Aware Baby, Shining Star Press, California

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Anger The good, the bad and the ugly

words Claire Miran Khan artwork Steven Michael King Claire Miran-Khan is a family therapist working in private practice where she provides post graduate training, counselling and consulting. Claire is also the mother of two adult daughters.

Stephen Michael King has worked as an illustrator on over fifty books. He has authored nine books and is published throughout the world.

More than anything, Stephen loves to draw and spend time with his family.

Anger. Just reading the word ignites emotion.

Commonly anger is regarded as problematic and therefore needs to be contained, suppressed or managed. It is not always easy to hold onto the idea that anger is a normal human emotion that we all experience. Mis-managed anger is often what comes to mind when thinking about what actually constitutes anger. What are embedded in most people’s minds are actions that are visible when someone is in a rage. The outcome being someone or something is hurt physically and/or emotionally. In the main, anger is a response to something that has been internally triggered within the individual expressing the anger. What fires anger is a perception of unfairness or injustice, jealousy or envy—marinated in fear, shame and guilt. These emotions are the drivers that often sit hidden behind the rants of anger.

We all have our own internal reasonableness barometer. What is considered to be fair or just is different for all of us. For example, if a person believes that marriage means owning the other partner then every decision that excludes the ‘ownership believing person’ will be grounds for anger.

If the other in this relationship has a core belief that being married means a ‘partnership of support’ then the battleground has been set. A casual ‘I’m going to have a drink with friends on the way home from work’ from the ‘marriage is a supportive partnership’ believing partner, can suddenly end up in a full attack or days of sulking from the ‘marriage is ownership’ believing partner. Because these core beliefs are rarely discussed honestly, a couple with this difference spend a lot of time in confused angry cold wars or heated arguments.

The premise of what is fair is very different for both; the result is a chronic sense of being treated unfairly by the other. This feeling provides endless fuel for anger and in turn, conflict.

Unfortunately partners and friends rarely share the same beliefs about justice and fairness so this becomes the ignition point for many angry moments. For the person who holds the belief that they ‘own the other in the relationship’ sitting behind their sense of unfairness is often fear about being alone. Toss in some shame about admitting this. Add a dose of guilt fed by the belief that they should have the grace to be happy that their

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partner is out having a good time. The result—a volatile mix of emotions expressed as anger and in the extreme provides the basis for the dynamic often found in domestic violence.

Also lurking in the anger mix are the old friends jealously and envy. These are often woven into one’s sense of fairness. Sibling rivalry is a good example. Even though both siblings are equally loved, albeit for different traits, each might believe that the parents love their sibling more. This belief will justify giving the sibling a good shove either physically or verbally whenever the opportunity arises. It’s not uncommon for a child to hope that a sibling might die or to hold onto entitled murderous rage enacted in some aggressive act whenever the opportunity arises. Tipping a sibling out of the pusher could be the outcome of the sense that they have suffered an injustice—mum belongs to me, how dare you take her from me!

It’s also important to consider how our personal thresholds vary from day to day. We all have short fuse days where we are grumpy and snappy.

Unfortunately some people have permanent short fuses and so frequently explode unpredictably and destructively. Other people have extremely long fuses, maybe to their own detriment, and continue smiling through adversity, confusing those around them. Our personal rituals help us manage our thresholds. They are stabilising mechanisms that help us manage our anger thoughtfully rather than reactively. They are usually simple activities that one yearns for, such as: going for a run, sitting in a favourite café with a coffee, gardening, the list goes on and on. It’s these simple activities that provide the foundation that enables the ability to acknowledge anger and then take a stand and verbalise the cause of the anger. Our ability to do this varies according to our mental state. When we are tired and haven’t been treating ourselves well, it’s usually not possible to remain thoughtful in relation to anger. This ability is dependent on tending to the rituals that feed the core of who we are. Most people recognise that they’re a little quicker to react angrily when they haven’t been participating in their much loved activities.

The ways in which anger can be expressed also vary. Some people have been brought up to believe anger is bad and so never outwardly express

anger. Instead they stew quietly or more problematically when anger is lurking they become extra nice; unnerving everyone around them with their extreme kindness. When this form of anger is expressed it creates confusion and can be as damaging to others as the out of control lashing out angry response.

In an attempt to try and grapple with the complexity of anger, and for the purpose of this article, I would like to think in terms of anger as energy. I also would like to make distinctions between the emotion of anger, what ignites it, and then, the actions that anger delivers. In my work it is often hard for clients to believe that anger is a normal human emotion. This is often the result of feeling bruised by someone else’s anger. In my

experience people voluntarily seeking counselling are often the gentle victims of the anger of others. Their struggle is how to find their own voice and appropriate expressions for their own anger.

Sometimes people in this situation don’t even recognise their own anger. They might have a quick flash that they automatically censor and then feel guilty because good people should put the needs of others first. If this has been the mantra given since birth then it’s hard to say ‘no’ even if the request is unreasonable. For example, a parent who has just sat down after a day at work, has got dinner ready and hung out three loads of washing finally sits down and her fifteen year old comes in insisting that she/he must be taken somewhere instantly or their lives are going to be devastated forever. The parent feels the flash of anger, recognises the unreasonableness of the request that has landed out of the blue, but their child’s sense of fairness wins because guilt and fear take over.

Then in comes the worry that maybe some ill fate will befall them if they’re not driven promptly off to this ‘absolutely necessary’ event.

This example captures commonly experienced ‘no win’ situations. If the parent allows their anger to give them the courage to say ‘no’ the adolescent will use their own anger to make sure something will happen that activates guilt in the parent. A way out of this is using anger to agree to do what ever is being asked but to state the unfairness of the request and put forward the emotion that went with receiving the request. For example, ‘I will drive you because otherwise I’ll worry but I’m not happy about it, I’m exhausted and I feel that you have been inconsiderate to ask me on such short notice.’ Then ignore the response get in the car and make them work for the favour granted. This is well placed anger, often resulting in something done like stacking the dishwasher without complaint.

Because so many of life’s tragedies are the outcome of mismanaged anger the idea of being angry is often seen negatively. The outcome of this for some people is to train themselves out of actually feeling angry. Anger denied is potentially equally problematic as anger that dangerously explodes. We all have a responsibility to manage our anger in a way that doesn’t harm others emotionally or physically. We all fail. Inevitably somewhere throughout our lives we will act in a way we regret. By remaining aware of what keeps our thresholds at a responsive not reactive level we can minimise our anger management failures.

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More joy, less shame Positive parenting in action words Yolande Larratt photos Shellie Drysdale Charlotte Young

Yolande Larratt is a freelance writer and photographer, and mother of two delightful children.

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Shame is not often discussed. As adults, it exists in a part of ourselves that we seldom examine, we would rather not acknowledge its existence. We are not even aware that unhealed shame unconsciously shapes our behaviour. Many experts in the field of developmental psychology state that shame can be harmful to our children. We know this, yet shame continues to be the basis of many forms of child discipline and punishment. There are good alternative methods of discipline that are based on compassion, understanding and respect.

Shame is one of the least analysed emotions, but has the most profound impact on our wellbeing.

The emotion of guilt comes from an act that we perceive as wrong, it makes us decide to not repeat the wrong act. When experiencing a healthy level of guilt, a child learns right from wrong.

Shame however is a feeling that part of the self is inherently wrong or bad, and that this part has been exposed to others. Shame is associated with low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, disgust and disapproval towards oneself. Shame is the opposite of self-love.

Shame can be experienced through well meaning punishment by parents and teachers, such as in yelling or ostracising. Shame is intensely felt through corporal punishment, such as smacking, indeed this practice is banned in some countries.

Shame can also arise from repeated verbal criticism such as telling a child they are ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’. Inconsistent parenting is extremely damaging, as in the case where a child is punished for dropping a glass when they have seen their parents do the same thing. A shamed child feels hurt and humiliated. In feeling shame, the child may learn to believe that a part of them is ‘bad’.

John Bradshaw1, a counsellor and writer, exposed the role of shame left over from childhood. A person who carries shame hides or buries parts of themselves that are deemed ‘unlovable’. These hidden aspects of the self result in a person who is not whole and not fully able to express themselves. A person living with shame may seek approval from others as they try to be perfect. Conversely they may rebel, rage and blame others for their pain. Left unhealed, toxic shame can lead to

a wide range of psychological problems, including social anxiety and withdrawal, addictions, rage, excessive shyness, body image disorders and depression. We all deserve to feel happiness and joy; shame prevents us from being our authentic selves or being truly happy. Our children are born with a universal sense of wonder, joy, awe and self-love.

Let’s nurture our children by being conscious of the parenting decisions we make, including minimising unhealthy levels of shame. Dr Aletha J. Solter2, founder of the Aware Parenting Institute, says all forms of punishment involve shame, and that, ‘there is no possible way punishment can communicate love’. Positive or democratic discipline models, are alternatives to punishment, and there are some excellent resources now available to help parents, see references below.

In summary, here are some highlights of these models that provide discipline without shaming.

Role Model: If you respect your child, they are more likely to respect you. Your child will learn from your example in all behaviours, positive and negative. Children are more likely to be difficult, such as in hitting or yelling, if they learn such behaviour from their parents.

when they wish to express themselves, which may include negative emotions. Do not leave a child to cry or rage alone, as they may feel abandoned.

Difficult children are often simply tired children.

Alternatives: Offer alternative environments and solutions so that children can be themselves. Have a child friendly environment where they can make a mess and open drawers. If for example a child seems absorbed in the task of emptying a shampoo bottle, offer them a drink bottle with water in it instead.

Support: Parents are more likely to lose it and yell if they feel out of control. Thus it is vital parents get the support they need, including from family, friends and the wider community.

Forgiveness: Parents should seek healing in professional support if they have identified they themselves are carrying toxic shame. Importantly, parents make mistakes and need to forgive themselves too! We need to be gentle to ourselves as we are all learning.

In The Natural Child, Jan Hunt writes that the parenting golden rule is, ‘Treat your child as you would like to be treated in the same position’3.

This rule of treating children and adults as equal Consistency: Have clear boundaries, be firm and human beings, is essentially the basis of all posiconsistent in setting these boundaries. Otherwise a tive parenting techniques. Indeed in many ways child will remain confused, and unsure of what is the child can teach the parent. Living in the moexpected of them. ment, loving life, feeling joy.

Compassion and Understanding: In a particular conflict situation, imagine yourself as the child. 1 John Bradshaw, 1988, Healing the Shame That Binds Are they acting out of hurt, jealousy or neglect?

You Health Communications, Florida Learn to accept a child’s behaviour relative to their 2 Aletha Solter, 2001, The Aware Baby, Shining Star age.

Press, California Listen: Children may be difficult if they want you to pay attention to them. Hence ‘be present’

3 Jan Hunt, 2001, The Natural Child – Parenting From The Heart, New Society Publishers, Gabriola Island

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Beyond the tip of the iceberg A story about fear, climate change and relationships

words Vivienne Colgrove artwork Sarah Brown

Vivienne Colegrove is a relationship counsellor and family therapist living and working in Eltham.

She enjoys writing any which way—stories, articles, music—where she can explore ideas about relationships in all their many and various forms! She can be contacted via www. elthamrelationshipcounselling.com.au

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, lived a people who inhabited a planet not unlike our own. There were two types of people in this world—Round people, and Rectangle people. The Round people were shaped like the planet they lived on. Their bodies had the curves and round corners of the hills and valleys, their thoughts were as circular and meandering as a winding stream, and their feelings were as overflowing and sudden as the floods that regularly visited their villages.

Rectangle people, on the other hand, were shaped like the sky they lived beneath. Their bodies had the hard lines and sharp edges of lightning, their thoughts were as straight and piercing as the rays of the sun, and their feelings were as fierce and cutting as hailstones.

For many thousands of years, Round and Rectangle people lived in harmony, and with a mutual respect for each other’s unique and different knowledge and ways of being. Rounds were revered for their ability to sense and understand the emotions and needs of others and of their planet, their knowledge of herbs and plants, and their skill in balancing the needs of their people with those of the planet and its other inhabitants.

Rectangles were honoured for their ability to make useful tools and other implements, to build dwellings that would keep everyone warm and dry, and to hunt for food and other supplies.

One day, a terrible illness struck the Rectangles.

Although the Rounds tried everything they could, drawing on all their knowledge of medicinal herbs and potions, thousands died. For reasons that were never known, the Rounds were completely unaffected by the illness. Some Rectangles survived. However, the illness had left them with some strange and unfamiliar thoughts and feelings. What if the Rounds no longer honoured them for their unique and valuable contribution?

What if they had secretly used their arcane and mysterious wisdom to bring the illness, in order to eradicate the Rectangles altogether? They began to feel very afraid.

A group of elder Rectangles formed a secret

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committee, designed to do whatever they could to ensure their survival. They invented new ideas like ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘smart’ and ‘stupid’, ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ so that they could persuade the Rounds that straight ways of being and knowing should replace circular ways. Knowing the power of fear for themselves, they decided to use the tools they had made for hunting to frighten the Rounds into accepting their ideas.

Even the Rectangles were amazed at how effective this strategy was! Within a very short time all of the Rounds were so scared they agreed that they would abandon their knowledge, and strive to learn and value only Rectangle ways. They agreed to teach their children that Round ways were ‘bad’, ‘stupid’ and ‘wrong’, and to use fear to force their children to learn only Rectangle knowledge. All agreed that Round ways were so dangerous that they had to be locked up in a safe place, as far away as possible, so they could never be accessed again by anyone. Using their skills one last time, specially selected Round leaders used their connection with the planet to request that their knowledge be trapped inside giant icebergs. There was so much to be contained that two poles were created at each end of the planet, and enormous quantities of ice were formed, so that what was concealed there could never leak back into the world of the people.

For thousands of years the people lived this way, on a planet that was now much colder, in order to maintain its icy poles. Because Round ways were formed not only in the bodies, emotions and thoughts of Round people, but in the deep memories of the Rectangles, Round knowledge would appear unexpectedly from time to time. The people had to invent more new ideas and actions over time to ensure the continued suppression of this knowledge, and maintain extensive workforces of soldiers, teachers and bureaucrats to keep it from re-entering their world. Even with all these efforts, there were some people who embodied Round ways so fully that they needed to be called ‘crazy’ or ‘criminal’, so they could be discredited, incarcerated or even killed.

After a very long time, however, change came. Because the people no longer had access to Round knowledge, they were unable to remember how to live in a way that balanced their needs with those of the planet and others who lived there. The planet started to flounder. It tried to tell the Round people, but they were either unable to hear, or to act on its behalf. As the planet struggled more and more to maintain its health, it became feverish and sick, and unable to generate the energy needed to keep its poles icy. Its temperature rose; earthquakes, floods and storms became more widespread as the shakes, cold sweats and vomiting of a life-threatening illness took hold. The resulting damage for people, property and the planet itself was immense, and countless lives—both Round and Rectangle—were lost, as were many of the planet’s other inhabitants.

But in the midst of all this tragedy and destruction, a strange and wonderful phenomenon was also occurring. As the ice melted, more and more Round knowledge was released to the people. Before long, many thousands of people were writing, and talking, and teaching about deep connection and living in balance with the planet and its other inhabitants, and about the value of sensing and understanding the emotions and needs of others. Gladly both Rectangles and Rounds embraced the knowledge they had once suppressed, in order to save their planet and themselves.

Finally, all the icebergs had melted away, and Round knowledge was once again fully available to the people. They danced, and sang, and expressed their supreme gratitude to their planet, feeling proud of their newly retrieved ability to care for their planet and for each other. Once again, they could return to a time of ‘heaven on earth’, where Round and Rectangle ways could work together in harmony, for the good of the planet and all that lived there.

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This Kombi (mid) life Camping in comfort

words and image Jonathon O’DonnellYoung Jon has always been a closet hippy; despite been tainted with the excesses of Punk Rock in his youth he has now found his true spiritual home in his kombi.

Mid-life crises come in many shapes, forms and durations (a friend of mine described them very well as a series of seemingly interminable crises over ten years or so). The male variety often manifests as sports cars or affairs—I have tried one of these and have no desire for the other (cars are just so much less complicated).

My latest vehicular passion though is not of the sporting kind and involves all of the family. It all started around the New Year of 2009. We were on a camping holiday at Wilson’s Prom. It had not started well. Packing for a week’s camping

trip with three children under ten is the logistical equivalent of organising for an assault on the north west face of Everest. On New Year’s day as we were being lashed by 100 km/h winds and soaked in our leaking tent by torrential rain I was muttering ominously about ‘Never going bloody camping again’. Now I do like camping but not like this and suddenly I had a flash of inspiration that has allowed me to combine some excellent family time with a car—well not a car exactly; a ‘tin tent’, a 1978 VW Kombi Campmobile with all of the trimmings.

By some synchronicity the Kombi (Froggy by name, due to her luminous green colour) appeared miraculously parked on a nature strip near our home with a For Sale sign soon after.

We made the mistake of inspecting her with our children who practically moved in, there and then. There was no alternative and a deal was done. Since then we have had some wonderful family camping trips and my wife and I even managed two romantic nights in a chilly Daylesford in May on our own. It really does seem that the holiday starts as we leave our driveway accompanied by the dulcet tones of the air-cooled engine. Things are much improved in the engine department since discovering a duff plug lead which was causing Froggy to run intermittently on three cylinders. Now we do not have to shout ‘Kombi power!!’ in family unison in order to get up hills (but we still do it anyway for the sheer fun of it).

What is very interesting is the reaction of our fellow pre Gen Y-ers who often approach us with a wistful look in their eyes and a desire to share Kombi related tales of their youth. They always seem to mention a feeling of freedom they had then, that has since been replaced with work and a practical family car.

Conversely we are enjoying a bohemian feeling that comes from jumping into the Kombi for a weekend away at the drop of a hat. In a way it seems like we have done it in reverse—our Kombi mid-life.

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Staying positive In amongst some negatives

words and illustration Vanessa Chaperlin Vanessa is a photographer, painter and illustrator based in Manly on the Northern Beaches of Sydney. Vanessa’s work is centred around the breadth of human experience in different social contexts, and more recently her own personal journey through parenting.

For more about ness visit www.happinessphotography.com or www.colour-in.com

The day after September 11, 2001 I was waiting for a flight out of Heathrow Airport. I will never forget the crowds, the sadness, the tired faces of people stuck and unable to travel home, and the TV screens listing all the flight numbers— CANCELLED. The waiting lounge was a sorry scene, and an extremely tense one for the many families stuck in transit; tired parents telling their children to sit down and be quiet. Except one. The shrieks and squeals of delight of a toddler broke through the disgruntled din of the airport. His giggles were infectious and everyone couldn’t help but look over to him. He was running around two poles in a figure eight, being playfully chased by his mum.

My heart lit up and I was smiling as I watched her play with him; chasing, tickling, racing, letting him win, picking him up and cuddling him. Some of the parents telling their own kids to pipe down, were ironically smiling at the scene playing out in front of them. Clearly tired, this lively mum was mustering all of her gusto and playing actively with her beautiful little boy.

That boy’s world, right there and then, was the happiest place on earth. His mum was a New Yorker, and not oblivious to what was going on, but she had made the choice to be happy and for her son to be happy. The pillars became a playground and the giggling was infectious. I thought to myself ‘She is so cool!

That’s the kind of mum I want to be one day’.

ed to try to use reusable nappies. This attracted negative comments from people who were trying to be supportive! ‘You won’t have time’, ‘You have enough to do’, ‘It’s so much washing’ etc. Instead, I’ve found a lot of positives and thought they were pretty easy.

Last year my son Jem was born and he is now eight and a half months.

The negativity flow didn’t stop after his birth.

People loved to tell me about the sleep deprivation of those early days; how I will ‘need’ to get the baby sleeping through and to establish a routine.

I thought all this would be important but it isn’t at all. My baby sleeps when he’s tired and eats when he’s hungry, he‘s a happy little thing and I’m a happy mum. He has never slept through the night and that’s okay, I get up to him and hold him close, feed him if he wants it and he settles asleep again. Those early hours are a beautiful bonding time; quiet and special.

When Jem started crawling I kept hearing, ‘Oh you’re in trouble now’ and ‘You will wish he hadn’t!’ but like every phase of his development so far, I am loving watching him explore the world and marvelling at what he takes an interest in.

There are books about happiness, and waking up and deciding to be happy. Perhaps it’s the same with being a mum, because like the lady in the airport more than ten years ago, I have made a decision.

That day arrived and I loved being pregnant; I was on cloud nine from start to finish, finding the whole process very natural and fulfilling in spite of the (thoughtless) negative comments of others.

They demonised morning sickness and revelled in relaying what a nightmare labour was. Thankfully, my grandmother said to me ‘Labour is not fun, but once you have that little baby in your arms you will not mind at all,’ and she was right.

My labour was very long, seventy two hours, due to my little bub being posterior. I tried to be patient and I coped, and like millions of women before me, I got through it and I would do it again.

I had made a decision whilst pregnant that I wantpage

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Seasonal table Autumn recipes words and photo Sarah Foletta artwork Pru Ervin Having inherited a love of cooking from

This season I’m inspired by lemons. They are so abundant in my neighbourhood, trees are laden with fruit and their lovely fragrance flows through the air. They are so flavoursome, not a day goes by that I don’t use one to add a bit of zing to a meal. They are especially delicious with pasta, soups, salads and seafood. In the recipes that I’ve included there is a really lemony lemon slice. When it’s baked, the top is like a lovely set lemon curd, it’s a very intense flavour. So, if you love lemons, or know someone that does, give it a go and bake it for them. The trout salad would work well as an entree for four people, or as a main for two people.

her grandmother, Sarah Foletta trained as a chef at some of Melbourne’s best restaurants. She and her husband have since opened three wildly successful cafes in Melbourne, one of which won Delicious’ Cafe of the Year in 2009.

Amongst all her cooking, she has still managed to find time to start a family and has a gorgeous one year old daughter.

Trout, lemon and autumn greens salad Ingredients 1 ocean trout either poached or bought precooked from a supermarket or deli 100 g of black olives 200 g of butter beans 200 g of green beans 200 g of peas (approximately 500g before shelling) 6 chat potatoes 2 Lebanese cucumbers, or 1 fennel (or both) 1 Belgium endive or witlof 300 g of spinach 1/2 bunch of chives 40 mls sherry vinegar 120 mls extra virgin olive oil 1 piece of preserved lemon, or the zest of a lemon lemon wedges to serve 2 soft boiled eggs (optional) Method 1. Place the potatoes in a pot of cold water and bring this to a simmer, reduce the heat, and very

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slowly cook the potatoes until tender. This could take around 40 minutes depending on the size of the potatoes. Drain and set aside once cooked.

When cool slice into wedges or discs as you prefer.

2. In the meantime, top and tail the beans, and blanch them, as well as the peas in a pot of boiling, salted water. Set these ingredients aside too.

3. Wash the spinach and spin it dry.

4. Remove the tail from the endive, and break it apart. Slice the cucumber/fennel, and chop the chives (set a few chives apart to use as a final garnish) and preserved lemon.

5. In a large bowl mix the spinach, potatoes, beans, peas, chives, Belgium endive, cucumber, lemon, sherry vinegar, and extra virgin oil. Break the trout into a bit larger than bite sized chunks over the top and then mix gently with your hands.

6. Place this onto a serving platter, and sprinkle with the extra chives and break the eggs over the top, letting the beautiful yolks be seen. Garnish with lemon wedges.

Cauliflower, almond, currant and parsley salad Ingredients 2 cauliflowers 100 g lightly toasted and chopped almonds 1/2 bunch washed and roughly chopped flat leaf parsley 1/2 cup currants The juice and zest of 2 lemons 150mls Extra Virgin olive oil 2 teaspoons of dijon mustard salt and pepper Method 1. Preheat the oven to 190˚C. Chop the cauliflower in flowerettes. Toss them in a little oil and some salt and pepper. Place them on a lined baking tray.

2. Roast the cauliflower until tender and caramelised.

3. When the cauliflower is cool, add in the mustard, lemon juice, zest, olive oil, parsley, currants and almonds. Toss gently with your hands.

4. Taste for seasoning, you may need to add a little more salt and pepper.

Lemon and coconut slice Ingredients For the base 1 1/2 cups of plain flour 1/2 cup of icing sugar 1/2 cup of shredded coconut 200 g butter The filling 6 eggs 3 cups sugar 250 mls lemon juice 1/2 cup plain flour Method 1. Preheat the oven to 180˚C. Line a slice tin (11cm x 7cm) with non-stick baking powder

Pesto beans

2. In a bowl mix the dry ingredients for the base, add the butter, and mix until this resembles breadcrumbs.

Ingredients

3. Press this mix into the lined tin, and place in the fridge for 15 minutes to rest.

2 - 3kg beans, green or green and butter 2 kitchen spoons pesto 2 kitchen spoons salad dressing Salt and pepper

4. Bake the base for around 15 minutes. You want it to be cooked, but not golden. Set this aside. Reduce the oven to 160˚C.

Method

5. While the base is baking prepare the filling. Beat the eggs until combined, add the sugar one cup at a time, beating well after each addition.

1. Tail beans. Separately blanch green beans and butter beans, in salted water.

6. Add the flour and mix until the batter is smooth. Lastly add the lemon juice.

*Beans must be firm, but NOT crunchy.

7. Pour the filling onto the base and then bake for 30 minutes. After this time you will need to check it and see if it’s completely set-it should just wobble a tiny bit in the middle.

If not cooked, rotate the tray and check again in 5 minutes.

Keep doing this until it’s cooked.

2. While the beans are still warm, add the pesto, salad dressing and salt and pepper 3. Taste. Adjust seasoning. Serve on a white platter.

8. Remove from the oven and slice when it’s cool. page

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Unplugged Why some Australian families are rethinking TV words Meghann Birks artwork Vanessa Chamberlin Meghann Birks is a freelance writer living on the Mornington Peninsula with her very busy son, Eli, and partner, Andrew. She is currently studying Nutritional Medicine and is passionate about food issues, family health and parenting with intention.

Vanessa is a photographer, painter and illustrator based in Manly on the Northern Beaches of Sydney. Vanessa’s work is centred around the breadth of human experience in different social contexts, and more recently her own personal journey through parenting. For more about ness visit www.happinessphotography.com or www. colour-in.com

Late in 2009 the Australian federal government released new guidelines in relation to children’s television viewing habits. The guidelines, produced by the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne, were part of the government’s new Get Up and Grow1 campaign, which is intended to raise awareness about childhood obesity. Between the ages of two and five, the report recommends no more than an hour of screen time per day. According to the Australian Media and Communications Authority2, however, the average Australian family allows their four month old baby forty-four minutes of TV a day, with children under four sometimes watching as much as three hours of TV per day.

Objections were raised immediately, with some families arguing that shows such as ‘The Wiggles’and ‘Baby Einstein’ are educational in nature and are part of, if not necessary for, a baby’s development. In response the experts were quick to point out that ‘Screen based activities for children less than two years of age have not been shown to lead to any health, intellectual or language benefits.’ (‘Get Up and Grow’, pp. 58) Others argued that in a world dominated by technology, teaching kids how to use it from a young age would benefit them in the future. Many were left a bit shocked by the new recommendations and wondering just how seriously they should take the report.

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I asked Alina about her decision to go TV free.

Alina has two children, aged one and two. She and her partner made the decision to get rid of their TV over a year ago after noticing their son mimicking some of the things he had seen. ‘It made me realise just how much he was actually absorbing when I saw him emulating certain behaviours. It got me thinking about how poor most of the programming actually was and how little I could control what he was seeing and hearing.’

Her partner was supportive of the idea (though he did want to wait until the end of soccer season to get rid of it), and they have never looked back.

‘I have a lot more time for other things now,’ she says. ‘I garden a lot and I really enjoy that because it gives the kids some time outdoors. It was a bit of an adjustment at first but now we wouldn’t change a thing.’ Though she has no intention of buying a TV in the near future, she can foresee using media, in the form of Russian language DVDs, in the future to teach the children about their heritage.

The list of possible negative side effects from exposure to media at a young age is long, including the fact that it reduces the amount of time available in a child’s day for social contact and active play, both important for physical health as But for some Australian families these guidelines well as intellectual development. Excessive screen came as no surprise and only reinforced the deci- time has also been linked to a decreased attention sion they had already made to live TV free. It may span and an underdeveloped range of eye movehave been a conscious decision for some, while ment. (‘Get Up and Grow’, pp. 58) The American other families didn’t decide to let go of their TV Academy of Pediatrics, a leading research body until it broke down. in the field of children and the media, lists further possible negative health effects such as, ‘violent or While families choose to go TV free for a variety of reasons, they almost universally report that their aggressive behaviours, substance abuse, [inapfamily life improves with more physical activity and propriate] sexual activity, obesity, poor body image 3 better communication. The phrase ‘quality time’ is and decreased school performance.’ used a lot and many say they wouldn’t have it any Though a great deal of the emphasis of the new other way. In a time poor society such as ours, the Australian guidelines focuses on decreasing childhood obesity, many parents notice that between antidote to being overwhelmed and stressed may homework and screen time, few kids have time for be actually reducing time in front of something intended to help us relax. With little time to spend genuine play. Whether or not this lack of activity affects a child’s weight, isn’t childhood supposed with each other and with their children, some mums and dads are taking a hard look at the role to be about enjoying downtime, being creative and learning new things?

TV plays in their home.

And while many are getting rid of the TV in order to increase the space for more creative pursuits,

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others are motivated to act because they have seen firsthand the negative effects that TV has had on their families.

What about the sanity of the parents? Many parents rely on screen time to keep their kids oc-

cupied while they do household tasks, work from home or just enjoy some downtime. While it is true that children who have been exposed to a great deal of TV from a young age may have difficulty transitioning to less screen time, children who have limited access to it are often able to better occupy themselves for longer periods of time because they develop imaginative skills from a younger age. Alina says while it does take some extra planning to keep her kids occupied, it can be done. Her two children have come to look forward to time with their mum, whether it be going to the park or simply playing at home. ‘We listen to a lot of different music—tribal, classical, dance— and make a game out of everything,’ she says.

Sometimes she has to improvise but she finds that by being positive and upbeat the kids follow her cues and have a great time. In homes without TVs, people are more likely to read, do crafts, enjoy music and simply spend time together, all things which are good for a child’s development.

Aside from the potential negative impact that screen time has on children, there is the larger issue of the impact it has on the family. Recent research in Australia estimates that the average Australian adult watches nearly three and half hours a day of TV in urban areas, with their rural counterparts clocking an estimated four plus hours per day4.

In an era where many families struggle to eat their main meal together more than a few times per week, we might ask if this TV viewing time might be better spent building families. Making the choice to get rid of the household TV or drastically reducing the amount of time it is on creates space so that the focus can be on real people, real families and real communities, rather than the fictional ones that absorb so many people’s interest and energy. The building blocks of strong families— communication, interaction and time together— flourish in homes where technology does not rule the airwaves. While the continued growth of the television industry is evidence that its heyday is far from over, more and more Australian families may choose to unplug the ‘idiot box’ and plug in to each other instead.

Endnotes 1 ‘Get Up and Grow’ www.health.gov.au 2 Australian Communication and Media Authority, www. acma.gov.au 3 ‘Policy Statement’ Pediatrics, Vol. 107, No. 2, February 2001 pp. 423-326 4 ‘Free- to- air television in Australia’ www.screenaustralia.gov.au page

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Love, sex and communication A

words & images Jenny Chapman

Jenny Chapman lives in Eltham with her son Crusoe, cat George, and chicken Jayne.

She constantly endeavours to live simply amidst her chaos, to parent confidently (not perfectly), and to laugh. (Out loud. A lot. Mostly at herself.)

event

Couples are always dealing with simple and complex issues about their relationships, which are fluid and multi-layered. And, while we might wish our sex lives to be simple, passionate (and fun and fiery), fresh and alive—for many couples this just isn’t so. Nor is the communication around it.

Barefoot hosted an event in December last year which addressed the issues of sex, love and communication, particularly after children become part of the family. Bettina Arndt and Dr Martien Snellen spoke with knowledge and compassion, and much humour.

For those who couldn’t make it here’s a run-down of what was said...

RESPECT, COMPASSION AND DESIRE Bettina Arndt expressed a deep compassion for couples experiencing problems. And highlighted that women (and some men) with lowered libido are in a difficult position of having the freedom (and the power) to say ‘no’. What this might mean to their partners has been the subject of Bettina’s recent research. Bettina refuted that she has been judging women, but said that after listening time and time again to the pain felt by men who have been rejected repeatedly, she has developed a strong sense of compassion towards them which has propelled her into further research, and puts forward women’s lack of desire for sex as a major, and complex issue in relationships. Most women already have a fragile, distractable libido and ordinary, everyday things do get in the way.

Everything changes after having a baby. Men at times don’t know how to respond to such changes in a routine, being used to things happening in a set way, which may lead to some erectile dysfunction. This was not a criticism, but an observation of the ways changes can affect sexuality. Bettina also highlighted how common and normal erectile dysfunction is for men.

Bettina explained what she meant by the idea that women don’t need to feel desire to have sex. I understood her to be saying that the science of sex has revealed that desire often grows

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from some sort of foreplay activities, from initial arousal, rather than as an essential precursor. She therefore encouraged women to ‘just do it’ and see what happens. She wasn’t suggesting women ‘just lie back’ and take it, but that they make the decision—remembering they have the choice—to sometimes give some sort of sexual activity a go and see where it leads. She gave the same advice to men with lowered libido who have partners wanting a bit more.

Her rejoinder was that there is such a psychological and ideological roadblock to this idea, and enshrining the right to say no has made very complex the issue of sex, sexuality, and balance of power in relationship.

Bettina’s advice: be mindful of each other’s circumstances, be respectful of each other’s needs; use humour; talk; give a little and see where it goes.

CHANGE, COMMUNICATION, CONNECTION Martien Snellen spoke of changing the perceptions and expectations we have of self, relationship and sex-life, after the birth of a child. There are social, emotional and psychological impacts from changes in self-image, physicality/biology and identity, in relationship, social circumstances, priorities and energy—it would be silly of either person in a partnership to expect that their sex-life would stay the same, or return to ‘normal’. For some couples their sex-life may have come under a lot of strain for a long time before birth—think of what some people go through in order to conceive, let alone a (possibly) stressful pregnancy. So we could be talking about a sex-life that may not have been ‘normal’ for many years. Spontaneous, unselfconscious desire or arousal may take a while to blossom again. There is no single factor solely responsible for an increase or a decrease in sexual desire. No one factor is to blame, and any expectation otherwise may add to the distress a couple feels about their changed relationship.

Traditional advice has been to: medicate, lubricate, exercise, vary position, drink a little alco-

hol. But Martien took a step back from this and asked us to see what is happening before this stage. He relayed that for most couples there is a delay in the resumption of sexual activity; there are changes in the type of activity; there is often tension between a couple; there is often the perception that they are alone in the problem; and for most couples there is some discomfort in talking about these things. Martien encouraged us to remember that the changes a woman goes through after birth—body and body image, social identity, hormones, breastfeeding issues, possible post partum depression—are all normal factors for couples to keep in mind and are definitely not to be underestimated.

What might a tired, grumpy, over-touched, breastfeeding mother with an already easily distracted libido (if one at all), a vomit smell on her skin, a toddler clutching her shirt and a laundry tub of yellow nappies do for and with a partner who’s come home wanting some connection and intimacy? And what about the partner who is away from family and intimacy all day and wants desperately to feel welcome and accepted again? For both partners, it may feel scary to have to consider that someone else’s sexuality has changed. Gaining a deeper understanding of each other’s sexuality and circumstances will help communication and connection.

Like Bettina, Martien stressed that desire is not necessarily the critical ingredient in order to start

being sexual again, that it may appear a little further along the road: ‘...sexual desire in women often appears once sexual arousal has occurred.’

(Rosemary Basson, 2000) And he went on to say that there is so much more than physical satisfaction involved; that we tend to focus on getting the sex right, rather than nurturing the sex life.

Martien encouraged couples to find creative ways to express love, and his main exhortation was to talk, talk, talk about it all. These are new times, and there are new priorities in a couple’s life.

There’s no need to be all-or-nothing, but talk about boundaries, and feeling comfortable, and separate, and new needs. And make it fun. Sometimes light-hearted even, as he said, ‘I’ve been a doctor for twenty years and I’ve never written lack of sex on a death certificate.’

Bettina Arndt’s books include The Sex Diaries— based on intimate diaries of ordinary couples, and What Men Want in Bed—based on the stories of 150 men who kept diaries for her. She is a writer, sex therapist, social commentator and speaker.

You can find out more at her website www.bettinaarndt.com.au.

Dr Martien Snellen, author of Rekindling: Your Relationship After Childbirth is a practising psychiatrist, consultant and therapist, in private practice and at the Mother/Baby Clinic at Mercy Hospital (Melbourne, Australia).

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Seneka’s tales Midwife: with Woman

words Seneka Cohen artwork Narissa Butler image Anna Foletta Seneka works part time as a midwife in a small maternity unit and also independently in a group practice in Melbourne, Victoria.

She is mother to two

The following is an insight into the worlds of two women who planned to give birth at home naturally with both their first and second pregnancies and both times ended up having caesarean births. It highlights their rawness, courage, strength and integrity as they share what they gained.

Seneka: What were your hopes/dreams for your births whilst you were pregnant?

Claire: To have a really beautiful natural homebirth. With my second birth I didn’t have such an idealised sense of what I would like.

Andrea : For both births I had hoped to have a natural birth at home.

adventurous boys who are nine and six and has a great love of the natural world, other cultures, travelling, organic gardening, and the community in which she lives.

Seneka: What was the turning point as to why you transferred to hospital?

Andrea: I was labouring at home for days with slow progression. He was posterior, and up very high in my pelvis. It wasn’t progressing as we had hoped. I wanted to go to the hospital after a couple days. Then it got to the point where it was decided that if I transferred things may progress further. The second time again I wasn’t progressing but having really big contractions. After a long time my midwife thought at one point I was in transition from the sounds and the intensity of the contractions then she checked and I was only 2cm dilated which was disappointing Seneka: How was this transition for you?

Claire: For the first time it was horrific, we were treated like the ‘home-birth freaks’. We entered page

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Andrea: It was in the middle of the night, my poor partner went to the wrong hospital. It was very intense in the car, horrifically painful, my poor friend—lucky I didn’t break her hands from squeezing so hard! I felt we were well received on arrival to the hospital except for a very rude anaesthetist who said that what I was trying to attempt at home was more dangerous than an epidural…my midwife asked him if he had left his manners outside the door.

Seneka: Why was the decision made to have a caesarean?

Claire: For the first one, my baby’s heart rate dropped really low and my body was in crisis and the absolute moment was when they wanted to put a heart monitor into her skull, (a scalp electrode) and I just felt like I didn’t want to have that done to my baby. The second time, I was again two weeks over and we were working to the absolute edges of what the hospital were prepared to absorb.

Andrea: The first time there was meconium (baby had opened his bowels inside). He was distressed and so was I. The second time I ended up having an epidural after a long labour and the contractions slowed down as they do and they didn’t want to give syntocinon (synthetic hormone to increase

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Claire: I developed pre-eclampsia and I was two weeks overdue and my blood pressure (BP) was really high, my heart rate was high and there was protein in my urine. My midwife came by and took my BP and it was through the roof and at that point it was clear that I needed to go. The second time I was really overdue but there was no sense of crisis and much more of a sense of liaison with the hospital.

a pretty hostile environment and were in crisis.

The second time there was much less of a sense of combat because we had begun to create a relationship with one of the obstetricians before I went in to give birth.

contractons) because I had had the previous caesarean. My partner and I just got to a place where we felt that it may not make any difference if we had syntocinon, we spoke to the baby and that’s the decision we made.

Seneka: What emotions came up for you around this decision?

Claire: With my first child I was devastated because my experience was the polar opposite of what I had imagined for myself and it was awful.

There was strength in choosing the well-being of my baby but I felt a lot of shame—that was so erosive. If vaginal birth was ‘natural’ I judged myself for having intervention. I felt that I had failed.

The second time, again, it was such a difficult decision but it felt like, ‘god I have done everything I know how to do’. It was such a healing caesarean because it was without the devastation of holding to an ideal. I had also dispelled the fear that by having a caesarean I would damage my baby and compromise the bond between myself and my child.

Andrea: The first time was a real shock. The

second time I felt fearful because of knowing what I was entering into—the experience of having a caesarean (i.e being cut open) is absolutely awful.

The second time I was shaking and vomiting from the anaesthetic. The first time we negotiated a lot before hand because we wanted a lotus birth* and they hadn’t done a caesarean lotus birth before.

Eventually it was a ‘yes’ and we also asked for a quiet space in the operating theatre and requested that no one tell us the sex of our baby. I felt like in the theatre we were really well held and respected.

Afterwards I felt shock, disappointment and feeling like I had failed, more so in the first birth, than the second.

Seneka: What was the experience of meeting your baby and having major surgery at the same time?

Claire: They were beautiful moments, very layered moments though. I think in essence meeting my babies remained pure and instinctual but everything around was just difficult, harsh.

Andrea: Meeting my baby was amazing, just so beautiful. There was very little separation really;

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if he wasn’t with me he was with my partner, skin to skin. Both babies breastfed straight away. With my second child I asked my partner to take him because I felt unpresent while being stictched up.

I felt it was better that he was with my partner, they had an amazing connection and he gave him colostrum that I had expressed. I think there’s a disconnection that can happen between the mother and baby because you are drugged and because it is birthed for you and handed to you, it’s very surreal and I think it takes time.

Seneka: Did you breastfeed?

Claire: Yeah and compared to everything else it just felt quite simple—a beautiful part of our relationship.

Andrea: Breastfeeding with my first was quite challenging. With my second he latched on really easily but I did need out of hospital support.

Seneka: What debriefing support did you receive following the births?

Claire: The first time was complicated because I was in such a pro-home birth group of women.

Their values really added to the experience of me not being able to reconcile my experience, so it was pretty fraught debriefing in that kind of space.

There was also a lot of debriefing with friends and my partner and with the midwife. I also had three or four sessions of counselling and I wrote a lot.

The second time I just didn’t feel the same need, there was a simplicity to the second experience.

Andrea: For my first birth I had a couple of years of therapy, of debriefing; I felt like a failure and if I had stayed home maybe I could have birthed naturally and ‘if only’. For my second, I felt I did the best I could possibly do in the time I had. I felt like in some strange way I had birthed my second, not necessarily vaginally but that something in me had birthed. I felt really ecstatic and euphoric after my second, for a long time, and even though it was the same outcome the healing was so profound that I felt different and transformed by it.

Seneka: What lasting effects, what strengths do you feel you have brought with you from your experience of giving birth?

Claire: The biggest thing for me to have to reconcile was letting go of the part of myself that was so judgmental, ‘If only I had done this or that…’ truly arriving at a place of acceptance has been hard work. I’d say the first experience totally changed page

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my perspective on so many things and opened my heart to the varied palate of experiences women go through with birth. I had been outcome oriented, I felt that birth reflected something essential about your womanhood and that natural, homebirth was the pinnacle.

I also feel enormous gratitude to western medicine. Before my ideas were very ‘anti’ the medical model and my ideas about what is ‘natural’ have changed. I see myself much more steeped in the culture that I’m a part of with all of the story that goes with that. My experience birthed me into a greater sense of strength in myself; I had to sit and question what the truth was for me, regardless of the values of the people that were so dear to my heart.

Andrea: The biggest strength I feel is compassion for myself and for other women and that sometimes things just don’t go to plan. I felt I had so much guilt afterwards and felt as though I had failed myself, my baby and my partner; like he didn’t get the opportunity to receive his baby the natural way and I felt a lot of guilt and shame around that. I don’t feel those feelings anymore having worked through them. To come home from hospital after having a caesarean—major surgery—and try and lift your baby and to breastfeed, it’s so excruciatingly painful. When I see my friends who have natural births, they just pick up their baby. It’s so different, you need much more support and help in getting out of bed and it goes for ages.

Seneka: What would you like to say to other women who share your experience?

Claire: Um, just that birth is an initiation regardless of how it plays out and if you let it take you where it does, meaning and greater understanding of yourself can be gained from that. Be humble, prepare well, get really good support and be open to what life brings...there will always be gifts. Be thankful for a healthy baby.

Andrea: Be gentle with yourself because it’s such a big ride; really validate your feelings and seek support and don’t shut them down and override them. It’s so important to give it the time it deserves because it’s a huge process. Having a doula and someone to debrief with is absolutely essential and very helpful. *lotus birth: the umbilical cord/placenta is left attached until it detaches naturally.

Book nook

‘Book Nook’ Reviewed by Kane Ord Eltham Bookshop The bookshop proudly supports this magazine and will offer 5% off the RRP for the reviewed titles.

The Legend of the Golden Snail Graeme Base

Odd and the Frost Giant Neil Gaiman

Last Child in the Woods Richard Louv

The Passage Justin Cronin

This eagerly awaited book by highly acclaimed author and illustrator Graeme Base, Legend of the Golden Snail promises to be beloved by both devotees and new-comers alike. The story is an old fashioned tale of adventure and mystery, and the book is populated by elegant and vivid illustrations that will keep young readers absorbed by their sheer depth and imagination. Readers will revel in the beautiful sea-scapes, and fantastical creatures the book offers.

Odd and the Frost Giant is an enjoyable, albeit short, book by consummate author Neil Gaiman. The story is a simple fable based during the reign of the Vikings in an ancient Scandinavia, densely inhabited by animal-heroes, gods and giants.

It is undeniable that we live in a fantastically interconnected world. Within the blink of an eye, information can be communicated across the globe and reach literally millions. Yet, the cost of this instant access is a malady that is an entirely novel phenomenon. Instead of spending their every free moment swimming, playing and generally experiencing the outdoors, kids are now spending an unprecedented amount of time locked inside the safe confines of an artificial environment. Author, Richard Louv, believes that nature has seemingly become more of an abstraction than a reality. Collating the thoughts of a range of teachers, parents, researchers and environmentalists,

I began reading the first page of 766 wondering how long it would take me to get through such a door-stopper. But as it happened it took a mere two weeks! The main thing to note about this book is the captivating mystery and the intriguing plot. Cronin adopts an omniscient voice throughout the book, with each chapter written through a different character’s eyes. The first part of the book ends quite suddenly and the reader turns the page to find themselves almost 100 years in the future.

While the story itself is particularly simple, the narrative is propelled almost entirely by the power of the illustrations, proving once again that Base is truly a master of Children’s literature.

Legend of the Golden Snail promises to be both a superb hardback gift book and a true collector’s item for Graeme Base fans young and old.

Odd and the Frost Giant is the story of the small crippled boy Odd who flees to the woods, after running away from home, where he encounters the exiled Gods of Asgard who request his help to free Asgard from the clutches of the loathsome Frost Giants.

The book possesses Gaiman’s trademark storytelling inventiveness that will entertain both young readers and interest the more mature audience.

Gaiman has dotted tales of Norse mythology throughout the book that may be lost on a younger audience, but ultimately adds an extra level to the tale, creating a rich and satisfying book.

Viking Books/ $29.95 Bloomsbury/ $22.99

Last Child in the Woods truly is a timely book, a clarion call for a world suffering the devastating effects of NatureDeficit Disorder, not just in our children, but most people; from politicians to ‘Captains of Industry’.

Atlantic Books/ $24.95

Although this change in time obviously means a change in characters, I found myself growing attached to the new characters very quickly. Cronin incorporates the sci-fi element cleverly so as not to make it cheesy but legitimately thrilling. Do not be scared of its length, the plot is fast paced and it is a deeply satisfying read.

Reviewed by Chloe Morriss Age 16

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Our journey towards sustainability Reflections of an urban homesteader words & image Bec Pollock

Bec Pollock, AKA Dixiebelle Kid Wrangler, Wife Extraordinaire, Wannabe Urban Homesteader, Earth & Communities Supporter, Ambling Prepper, Laptop Activist, Rambling Blogger... find me at www.eatatdixiebelles. blogspot.com

Our journey towards sustainability started several years ago, ‘though the last three years have seen my family and I undertake the most changes and challenges. Reducing our ecological footprint has been a positive and rewarding experience, but there have been times where I’ve felt overwhelmed by the process, the options and the decisions we’ve needed to make. It can be hard to find time and energy, in amongst wrangling kids, working part time, organising our lives, and all the usual life dramas. Finding the balance has been an ongoing struggle for us, but we are adaptable, creative and resourceful people, and having a positive attitude to change helps too. Plus, this cause is truly worth it!

We became aware of the environmental movement through our interest in modern cloth nappies when our first baby was due, over five years ago.

This led to learning more about how our modern lifestyles and choices can have an impact on the planet, such as climate change, resource depletion, pollution, peak oil and landfill. Becoming informed through research, via online forums, blogs, documentaries and reading has opened my eyes to the many issues that the planet, and civilisation, are facing. We have gone on to make many changes to try to live a lower impact lifestyle, which includes adjusting our perspectives and attitudes, responsible consumerism, reducing energy and water consumption, reducing waste, living more frugally and simply, retro-fitting our home to be more energy efficient, becoming more eco-aware and ethically minded, involving and

teaching our children, and of course, reducing, reusing and recycling, wherever possible. We’ve done bigger things like install solar panels and a rainwater tank, eating SOLE food (Sustainable, Organic, Local, Ethical) and started an organic produce garden, using bikes for some transport, doing preloved shopping, and using ‘green’ cleaning products and toiletries. Also, little things like avoiding using our dryer, putting TV’s and computers on timers, and doing recycled craft with our kids!

Why do all this? I want to find a way to balance modern human civilisation, with preservation, conservation, and respect for Mother Nature.

Simply put, this planet is the home of my children, and the home of future generations. It is home to every species and creature here. We all depend on the health of this planet, and its eco-systems to survive. I believe that we have a responsibility to care for the animals, the plants, the soil, and every part of the delicate, yet essential, eco-systems on Earth. The Theory of Anyway says we should do these things because it is the right thing to do, whether or not we will be affected by any ‘big issues’ in the end.

Along the way there have been many emotions, ranging from feeling successful, like we are making a difference, to feeling daunted, overwhelmed and hopeless. When I feel unmotivated and want to be reinspired, I try to borrow some books from the library, watch documentaries or movies, browse websites and blogs. Sometimes though, I just take a big step back from it, and enjoy the simple pleasures in life with my family, to remember what this fight is all about.

One of the harder things has been finding time in our already busy lives, as making changes, taking on challenges and wanting to learn more, does take time! The big lesson for me was not to try and make all the changes at once, as I became overwhelmed, and felt like giving up altogether.

So, now we make changes when we have time, energy, feel motivated or there is a need. We then make those changes into habits, before moving onto the next challenge, and at times, come back to a challenge if we feel we’ve slacked off.

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Like when my family and I first started eating less meat. I introduced a couple of meat free dinners into our meal plan each week, expanded my repertoire of vegetarian dishes, and now it is second nature to only have meat a few times a week, having local and organic meat where possible.

At times, when we slip back into the convenience, or desire, of eating more meat than we need, it’s a matter of borrowing some vegetarian or vegan cook books from the library to be re-inspired to get more no meat meals on the menu plan again.

It is hard not to take on too much, especially when I am passionate about an issue, or want to help out a community organisation. Now I can recognise the signs that I am overdoing it, like having several ‘to do’ lists on the go at once, or when fun things start to feel like chores, or the worst, being a grumpy mummy. I cut back on what I am doing, or don’t take on anything new, or we have a break, relax with the kids and reprioritise. I’ve also had to make peace with my compromises, knowing I cannot do everything I want, whilst still living a ‘normal’ life. By keeping some convenience items, like using cloth nappies only part time, or not making all our food from scratch, means we have time and energy to do things that might be more important in the grand scheme of things.

One of the big changes we have made is to adjust our perspective on needs versus wants. We try to question every purchase with, ‘Do I really need this? Can we make do with something else? Can we live without it?’ When my husband and I went to one income before our first child was born, I realised that there was so much stuff that we had always bought, but really, we didn’t need. Early

on, I accepted that we were not going to drop out of society, live in a commune, or be able to completely avoid the mainstream traps, like marketing, material desires, or the desire for financial security. So instead, we try to practise ‘frugality’, which is the art of restrained consumerism!

My husband and I both believe that building community is an essential step in creating a better world, and making a difference. It can be hard to talk to your family and friends about changes you are making, when you fear they won’t understand, or will think you are crazy. It is nice to have support, meet like-minded people and make connections, so I tried to set up an eco-focus playgroup, and an urban homesteaders club. We ended up joining an established eco-group instead, to establish community bonds, get social interaction, and be good role models for our children and others in our area. I have also joined the local Permablitz group, so I can have some ‘me time’ and still follow my passions.

Our journey has been full of ups and downs, but the hardest part for me has probably been that I expect too much of myself. Feeling guilty, or under pressure, can be paralysing and instead of making some changes, I can feel like giving up altogether. I remind myself that every step in the right direction, no matter how small, is making a difference. So, we try to incorporate changes that make a difference into our everyday life, and remember our motto: Make sure what you do makes you happy, keeps you healthy, and saves you money.

Be prepared, live frugally, and make the most of everything you have. Show kindness and gratitude to the Earth, its creatures and communities.

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Bullying Hurts... we have something for here? words Sandra Craig

artwork Janet Wolf

Sandra Craig is Manager of The National Centre Against Bullying (NCAB). This is a peak body formed in 2002 working to advise and inform the Australian community on the issue of childhood bullying and the creation of safe schools and communities. NCAB is an initiative of The Alannah and Madeline Foundation.

More information can be found at www.amf. org.au/ncab

When I was a school coordinator, parents occasionally approached me to do something about the ‘bullying’ their child had experienced. Mostly they were upset; understandably so. Often they were angry. In many cases, they wanted ‘the bully’ punished. But, as it sometimes turned out, we weren’t talking about the same thing at all!

We all know what it’s like to talk at cross-purposes: arguments can develop that could easily have been avoided simply by clarifying terms.

So, we’ll start with a definition. Bullying is when a person or a group deliberately upsets or hurts another person or damages their property, reputation or social acceptance on more than one occasion. The bully has more power in the situation due to age, size, and status or for other reasons.

It is usually hidden from adults.

Bullying is bad for you Bullying is serious, although our society hasn’t always seen it like this. Many remember parents or teachers saying things like, ‘It’s all part of growing up’ or, ‘Bullying toughens you up’. We now understand that these are myths.

Parents and educators often make the mistake of thinking that when the bullying is over there is no further damage, but sadly, the effects of bullying can last a lifetime.

Students who bully over time are more likely to engage in ongoing anti-social behaviour and criminality, have issues with substance abuse, demonstrate low academic achievement and become involved in future child and spouse abuse.

Students who are victimised have a higher likelihood than other students of experiencing mental health problems, impaired relationships, depression and suicidal thinking. It can cause social, physical or emotional damage in the short term.

Types of bullying There are four broad types of bullying (as identified by the Department of Education and Early Childhood Development, Victoria). These are: Direct physical bullying which includes hitting, kicking, tripping, pinching and pushing or damaging property.

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Direct verbal bullying which includes name calling, insults, teasing, intimidation, homophobic or racist remarks, or verbal abuse.

Indirect, covert or more subtle bullying which is often harder to recognise and can be carried out behind the bullied person’s back. It is designed to harm someone’s social standing and/or cause humiliation.

Cyberbullying which is direct verbal or indirect bullying behaviours using digital technologies.

This includes harassment via a mobile phone, setting up a defamatory personal website or deliberately excluding someone from social networking spaces.

Bullying isn’t…

Mutual arguments and disagreements Single episodes of social rejection or dislike Single-episode acts of nastiness or spite Random acts of aggression or intimidation.

However, none of these are acceptable behaviours and should never be ignored or condoned.

Recognising the signs Even though they may not tell us so directly, children’s behaviour can tell us if they are upset.

Changes in emotions, which include changes to mood, can indicate bullying is happening. Another indicator is a child coming home with clothes or equipment missing or damaged, continually ‘losing’ pocket money, or having unexplained bruises, scrapes or cuts. Changes can also show up in a child’s behaviour. They might all of a sudden start feeling ill before school, withdraw from family or friends, lose confidence or become aggressive or unreasonable. They may become reluctant to walk to school or catch their usual transport, change their normal route and request to be driven to school, start to underperform at school or begin to miss days.

They might give improbable excuses for any of the above, or they might not want to talk about it at all.

Will they tell?

We know from research that about eighty percent of incidents of bullying go unreported. Research

also shows that up to ninety percent of incidents of bullying take place away from adult eyes. The sad and confronting truth is that young people often won’t tell parents or teachers if they are bullied, sometimes because of shame or fear that the bullying will get worse or go away (it won’t) or that the heavy-handed response of adults will make the situation worse or result in removal of their technology.

Ask what they want to happen. In many cases, young people don’t want the child bullying them to be punished; they just want the bullying to stop.

What can I do?

Help your child practise some assertive strategies, like acting as though they are unaffected by what is happening. We know that bullying is intensified when the target reacts, so sometimes young people can add a comment that neutralises the situation like ‘if that’s what you think’ or ‘whatever’.

Ask your child directly about what’s happened, or begin a conversation about it. Even if you’re angry about what seems to be happening, it’s probably counter-productive, and may get in the way of what they want to say. They may also fear that you’ll rush straight to the school. Just take a breath and try some of the following.

Try to keep the conversation low-key and casual.

You could start by sharing your own experiences.

Listen to their story without interrupting. Empathise and show support. Explain that being bullied isn’t their fault and establish that you understand how serious the events are. Establish what exactly happened; it may not be bullying. Ask what they’ve tried so far to make it stop. Make a note of who was involved, places, times and whether anybody else saw it.

Don’t encourage your child to fight back physically. This is likely to increase the bullying, and may have the added effect of getting them into trouble at school. Don’t explain that the bully didn’t mean it; they almost certainly intended to cause pain and distress.

Using assertive body language can help too—that is, when they stand up straight and make and maintain eye contact with the aggressor. Encourage them to keep notes of what happened and ensure the person bullying knows they are doing so. Encourage them to disclose the events to a teacher.

What can I do about cyberbullying?

Be interested in what your child does in online environments and talk to them about it.

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Explain the risks of shared passwords, photo posts and personal information online.

Improve your own technology skills: your child might help you here!

Teach them not to respond or participate, save the evidence, block the sender, stand up for the target and report abuse to the appropriate provider and a trusted adult.

Try not to make threats that you’ll take away their access to technology: the problem is the behaviour, not the technology.

If you think there’s a problem with another student, report your concerns to the school.

What if my child is bullying others?

There is a possibility that your child bullies others or behaves unacceptably towards them. Try to stay calm and non-defensive; children who have previously been the target of bullying sometimes become bullies themselves; sometimes children who bully have been emotionally hurt, or are retaliating for something that has happened to them at school.

Give the school time to work on the problem. They will need to investigate, interview and work out a response. Ask for a future meeting time to discuss the outcomes and put strategies in place. Your son or daughter should have some say about the nature of the strategies.

Reducing bullying in all environments has important benefits for the wellbeing, safety and productiveness of all members of society.

The mental and physical health, social, and academic consequences of bullying have an enormous impact on human and social capital. The costs of bullying burden our education, health care, social services, and criminal justice systems, as well as work force productivity and innovation.

‘Bullying concerns and affects us all’ Kandersteg Declaration, Switzerland, 2007 For a full listing of references, please email us at admin@barefootmagazine.com.au.

Stopping bullying at home and school Stopping bullying is a partnership between families, schools and communities. Families are the first educators of children and their importance and influence continues throughout the child’s formal schooling. Parents and carers are role models and children imitate their behaviour, so it’s important to model positive behaviours and reinforce anti-bullying messages in the home.

presents

Dealing with Bullying Come along and find out more about how children, parents, teachers and the wider community can recognise, understand and combat bullying.

Speaker

Once you have a clear picture of a situation and an idea of the facts, note these down. Then talk to your child about approaching the school.

Maree Stanley

Make an appointment with your child’s teacher, rather than just arriving. They may need time to gather relevant information.

7pm (doors open) for a prompt 7.30pm start

Stay calm and don’t accuse the school. The teacher may not have known about the situation until you made the appointment. Remember, kids tend not to tell.

Present the information clearly—use your notes.

Ask about the relevant policies and guidelines the school has in place to deal with bullying and other unacceptable page

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Wednesday March 16th, 2011 Where: Eltham Community and Reception Centre Eltham, Victoria Cost $20 ($15 conc) Paid prior to event.

RSVP by 11th March Email admin@barefootmagazine.com.au Other enquiries please call 0417 509 756

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Some children don’t know how to get on with others in social situations and haven’t yet developed the skills to do so.

You can see the situation as an opportunity for the child to understand the impact of their behaviour on others and how important it is to interact respectfully with others.

behaviour.

at home... words Maria Lerch Maria Lerch is mother to two boys, aged eleven and seven.

They live in rural Victoria.

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Let me tell you about one of our ‘bad’ days.

We all have them and sometimes me or one of the boys wakes up in the morning and goes, ‘Oh, oh…it’s one of those days!’ So what do we do when that happens? Best not to get up at all! We stay in bed, snuggle together and read stories. The boys might draw and draw all morning or have a ‘good old’ bed wrestle. Then eventually we continue our day…out of bed…by eating any unusual things we can find. Referring to those out of the ordinary breakfast things, like corn chips, cold noodles, carrots and lettuce from the garden, anything different to the normal foods that greet us in the morning. We then either have a picnic close to home or pack a backpack and set off for an adventure on the land. I must add here that nature always helps us! It drinks up anger, sadness and frustration or diffuses them through loud yells and big songs, big leaps from rock to rock and even bigger swims that wash away and clean—nothing like a big, deep dive into the depth and darkness (we have a murky dam), facing my inner despair and dark places and then resurfacing up to clarity, light and beauty. The boys splashing, twirling and twisting beside me…frowns quickly turning to big smiles and loud laughter.

I don’t try to coax the boys out of the emotional state because feelings are all valid. However sometimes there are no explanations, nothing in particular has happened or no amount of talking helps…so we invite a change!!

Once we are out in nature with our backpack, Jai says, ‘Oh Mum, I can breathe again,’ after feeling sad and pulled around he lets out some frustration on the dead wood along the way.

Kian climbs a tree so high you can no longer see him, challenging himself, on his way down he climbs out onto one of the limbs and jumps from a great height. A glow of satisfaction on his face. Confidence returns to his stride.

As we sit with our picnic we surrender, relax and the world begins to shimmer once again. We all breathe more deeply and begin to notice some of the finer detail around us. The change of colour in the tree bark, the butterfly following, the feather lying across the path, the water bugs. Breath can be magic like that—change its rhythm and our world changes. I just love the simplicity in which nature and walking in it slowly transforms our day.

Transforms us!

Once most of the food is eaten we follow the creek along its meandering path stopping here and there to play and rest (and eat the rest of our food). The boys make boats, waterfalls, dams and get wet. I join in and feel the freedom of childhood and nature’s calm seeping through me, daydream a little and feel so supported by this moment.

Nothing feels out of place. It is as if this was what we were meant to be doing with our day all along. Sitting here, I know that we are not missing anything anywhere else. It’s okay. We’re happy!

That’s what counts at the end of my day!

You know, sometimes when I am desperately searching for clues and answers I propel myself forward…say five or ten years ahead in time and look back…to see that Little Athletics, or pottery, or cricket and shopping, or any other plans would not have made the same difference to our ‘bad’ day (we will return to these activities in the days to come anyway), but our emotional journey was important and needed dealing with immediately, not tomorrow but now!

On our way home from today’s venture we stop at the dam, I run and get drinking water, sunscreen and more food. My feet are solid on the ground and I feel centred. We swim and play for the rest of the day…until we are tired, exhausted and happy to the bone. As we go to bed we all give thanks for this day…not a bad day afterall!

Me, I sing and dance wildly around as the others join in and then sit with me quietly on the Earth and listen…answers, wisdom, changes slowly emerge. page

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Ordinary people doing extraordinary things...

Illuminated by Fire Memory Box - A Regional Arts Victoria Project words Liz Vircoe image Silvi and Tom Glattauer

Liz Vercoe. Author/ Artist. Very welcome to visit me and my artwork at Clifton Pugh’s Dunmoochin on April 30 and May 1, 2011! Details: www.artistsopenstudios.com.au.

Sometimes in life the planets align and all is right with the world. Skies seem bigger, apples are crunchier, smiles are broader and the universe is just a big fat wonder full place. For a moment or two at least.

These moments—precious and elusive as they are—offer the possibility for insights and illuminations that are not apparent in everyday life.

It is these illuminations in the face of life changing events—good, bad and ugly—that are the subject of the Memory Box project. This is an exhibition both exquisite and excruciating. A response to the Black Saturday fires by people who were personally affected, Memory Box makes a palpable offering to a situation for which words are inadequate—and sometimes even meaningless.

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Using markers from the past, the participants have transformed these objects into works that symbolize endurance, courage, and an opportunity to recreate in a new direction. By placing these items in a box, they become a reminder and a guide for future generations as well as symbols of survival.

Throughout the memory boxes portrayed here, there is a strong sense of loss resulting from both the devastation of homes as well as the surrounding landscape. These changes have led to a widespread loss of identity and overwhelming sadness.

In the program notes for this special exhibition, she writes:

The process of creating these memory boxes has revealed many insights, none more powerful than the simple truth that home and where you come from creates a sense of identity. The journey has not been easy. It has been difficult to reflect upon collected treasures and relive memories associated with them. It brings into reality what has been lost.

Memory Box sifts through memories. The project

It should be noted that some participants of

Leanne Mooney is an award winning artist and facilitator of the Memory Box project.

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explores treasures found and treasures lost in the fires on 7th February, 2009.

Memory Box did not have anything ‘original’ to work with. All was lost in the fires of Black Saturday. In these cases, symbolism and re-creation were used.

which can have a lasting impact; the sound of a thunder crack which scares a young child and prompts the Big Question with the Big Eyes in a small voice, ‘Do you think there’ll be a fire?’

It has been a privilege and honour to work on this project and to witness not only remarkable creativity, but also resilience.” © Leanne Mooney, Facilitating Artist

When running art workshops, Leanne consciously offers a space in which to explore, take risks, become immersed in the act of creation (and possibly meditation), and have fun. She is acutely conscious of the transformative power of art and its capacity to ‘turn off’ the intellect or rational mind—to move an individual into a different space which allows for emotional respite. This type of personal expression is an important quality which can often lead to new understandings and cultivate or strengthen a positive outlook. The value of this cannot be overstated. It’s pure gold.

Memory Box comprises a series of artworks in clear boxes which house the participants’ personal, intimate responses to the fires.

Some contain found objects rescued from the ash, and others, where there were no artifacts to use, have been created using memory and imagination. As viewers we are privy to intimate, distinctive and raw responses: a house constructed with twisted, blackened cutlery from four generations back; a tiny nest in a hopeful twig; the charred remains of a handmade violin; words, pictures, feathers… remnants of lives and memories…images of loss and hope.

Part of a broader Regional Arts Victoria expression entitled Illuminated by Fire, this exhibition does exactly that. It illuminates the issues, challenges and even the inspirations wrought by the cataclysmic event of fire in a myriad of ways, for we who were not involved directly in the action but watched from the sidelines.

Additionally, these beautiful and eloquent Memory Boxes do indeed elevate ‘ordinary’ men, women and children to the status of ‘extraordinary’. It’s an often humble, usually quiet type of extraordinary which involves participating in daily life and moving forward in whatever manner is possible. Quoting a Native American Elder whose name is unknown to me, there’s a lot of ‘getting out of bed, after the night of grief and despair, and doing what needs to be done for the children’. It’s that type of extraordinary—often the most extraordinary kind of all.

When I visited this exhibition it was the resilience and courage that hit me first. Right between the eyes, and then directly in the heart. These qualities are underlined in every single piece which makes up the whole. Each artwork has the ability to startlingly articulate its own response to that moment in time which we now know as Black Saturday. It’s almost overwhelming. As a viewer, I was compelled to the further exploration of my own feelings and limited understanding of the continuous unfolding of life beyond this event. It’s a big call. Puts things into perspective.

Leanne Mooney’s most recent work explores the loss of indigenous species along with human impact on our natural environment… the Memory Box project with its issues of loss, identity and resilience would seem to be a natural extension of this exploration.

Whilst primarily a transformative vehicle for articulating individual response to fire, each of the Memory Box participants’ responses also offers a beautifully individual viewpoint: Gay Chatfield: ‘After... the initial shock at the loss of life and surroundings, I found myself being intrigued by the remnants, evidence of a precious life. I have used these remnants, both natural and man made, to create forms that evoke a new way of looking at these objects, and giving them a new life.’

And Sarah Hammond: ‘Home is not a number on the street.

It is the plaster casts of little feet. It is the friends around the kitchen table…’

Art has long held the capacity to cut to the heart of a matter.

In one big, bold statement, art illuminates an idea or response that might take a thousand explanations and a million words.

Art is blessed with the profound ability to instantaneously reach into the human soul and once there, to broaden our understanding exponentially.

It is this very capacity of art to reach right inside and grab hold of the heart with a vice like grip, that the Memory Box project embodies with great vitality. Extraordinary indeed!

Visit the Memory Boxes at Federation Square in Melbourne during the Festival of Light at the end of June 2011, as part of the Regional Arts Victoria ‘Illuminated by Fire’ Project.

Leanne is currently working with a team of wonderful women known as ‘Thou Art Mum’ on the ‘Mosaic street number project.’ If you or someone you know lives in a fire affected area and would like a hand crafted street number mosaic’ed with love, please be in touch: leanne.mooney@bigpond.com.

Mooney, who worked with participants over many months to create an evocative exploration of identity and loss, has found from first hand experience that the process of sharing stories and memories is a powerful vehicle for people of all ages—from Memory Box artists to school children in Kinglake and surrounding fire affected areas.

Being immersed in the daily life of people who have undergone significant trauma has developed and honed Leanne’s personal sense of empathy and compassion. It’s been quite a journey. She has become profoundly aware of—and awake to—moments page

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My little chair The Mother of all teenagers

words & image Sarah Young Sarah Young has two daughters and loves living in inner city Melbourne. She is a freelance arts educator and works across many settings. Her work includes classes in dance and drama with young children and lecturing in the arts education at university.

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In 1970, my Mum went on her first trip overseas, a holiday with a friend to Spain. We lived in London so this was a cheap holiday destination.

Her first love and husband, my Dad, had just died from Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and at forty years old she had become a single parent of four children aged between seven to sixteen years. She had been a single parent for many years as the MS slowly attacked my father’s body. She was heavyhearted, courageous and worn out.

She returned from Spain with souvenirs for us all.

We were really impressed that Mum had gone overseas, as this seemed exotic to us, and the fact that we got presents made it all the more exciting.

Mum gave my older sister a Spanish guitar, which in fine weather my sister carried around the streets of London trying to conjure the genius of her idol Ralph Mctell. My gift was a beautiful small wooden chair with a raffia seat, like the one Vincent Van Gogh painted. Only this chair was miniature, just a foot-and-half tall. I loved this chair and used it to play with dolls and teddies when I was young and then as I grew-up it was always just part of my room. I think unconsciously it seemed to capture a significant time–the moment we went from being a family of six to five.

stopped and gone into my room and done the Zen thing of counting to ten, or, the not so Zen thing of screaming and hitting my pillow, but, I stood over her ranting on and on about something she had done that was annoying or irritating me.

As she was sitting on the floor, I wanted to get down lower to her eye level, thinking that somehow this would make my rambling more meaningful. I grabbed my little Spanish chair to sit on, and with that saw my daughter gasp with concern that I would break the chair if I sat on it. At that point I held up my little chair high in the air and When I settled in Australia as an adult and was pregnant with my first child, my Mum sent my old yelled, ‘And don’t you dare tell me that I can’t sit on my little chair!’ There was me, almost frozen belongings and great op-shop baby clothes she in time, standing with my little chair held up high had collected. As I unpacked the marvellous new in the air...and my daughter burst into laughter. and nostalgic surprises there inside was my little I followed her and we both collapsed in hysterics Spanish chair. Both of my children have used the laughing about my chair-stance and statement. chair to sit in, play with, and generally they have made it their own ‘little chair’. As they have grown Thankfully she could break the tension and see they can no longer sit in the chair, however, it stays that my ludicrous behaviour was just that, ludicrous. in the lounge room as an object full of memory and it is used by any young children who visit.

How many stupid and incoherent things do we Last month I had a particularly stressful day and came home to my eldest teenager having done something, who knows what it was...I honestly can’t remember. I entered the lounge room, she was sitting on the floor, continuing her chore of folding the washing and I started at her. You know the parent rave, on-and-on about the same thing that makes any teenager glaze over with confusion and absolute boredom. I should have

say to our teenagers and they just let them ‘go through to the keeper’? How many times are we so stressed out and they get the aftermath of us not being able to cope with our own choices in life? At times they are so patient and tolerant. I think this chair has come to represent my Mum, Dad, family, children, and now me as a parent.

Many different phases of my life seem to be captured in this little Spanish wooden chair.

Seasonal craft Autumn mandalas

your intention and your creative flow. Outside, your Mandala is exposed to the elements, so you may eventually be obliged to surrender it, like the sand Mandalas. Mandalas made on a beach will be washed away by the tide, those made from flowers will wilt, and fallen leaves will blow away in the wind. Alternatively, you may consider making yours permanent, using plaster, cement or glue.

words & image Sarah Petrocchi Sara is a Perth girl whose enthusiasm for nature began as a child playing in the garden, ‘cooking’ with plants, picking flowers and climbing trees.

She’s all grown up now, and is equally passionate about her work as a mother to baby Antonio and her work as a Naturopath.

Mandala is a Sanskrit word meaning ‘whole’ or ‘circle’. Today the word Mandala is used to describe a design made with sacred intention. Designing a Mandala is a ritual, often used for healing, and the process of designing it is as important as the finished product. The designer may hold an intention in their mind as they design, allowing the activity to focus and magnify the intent. The design is then invested with this intention, so that viewing a Mandala confers its energy to the viewer.

There isn’t a right or wrong way to make a Mandala, since they represent the uniqueness of each individual journey to spiritual enlightenment.

However, they are usually a symmetrical, brightly coloured, circular design within a square frame, and include various patterns, which may carry great personal or traditional symbolism, made either on paper or by pouring coloured sand on the ground. These sand Mandalas, which originate from Tibetan Buddhism, are then ritually swept away, symbolising the impermanence of all things.

Today many designers create Mandalas digitally.

There are as many ways as inclinations. My favourite is outside using pieces of nature.

Outside there is greater space in which to create, a wider variety of materials, and different inspirations. You may make a very large circle, or add a third dimension. Materials you might find outside such as stones, wood, bark, fallen leaves, feathers or flowers can give colours and textures your pencil box can’t provide. Sounds and smells from plants or animals in your surrounds may influence

You might approach an outdoor Mandala as a group, perhaps as a family or classroom, with a collective intention. Mandalas represent the unity of all things, which makes it a unifying activity for any group. Working together on a Mandala is a wonderful group project, which necessitates meeting for a common goal, acting peacefully and harmoniously to create a single vision.

Creating a nature Mandala enhances the ritual by providing an opportunity to commune with Mother Nature, deepening the experience by connecting us to the earth, and to our own natural state. Autumn is an especially powerful time for this, as it is the traditional time of the harvest, when nature’s bounty is celebrated. Foods might be included in an autumn Mandala, like seasonal grains, fruits and nuts, to symbolise the abundant harvest.

Autumn Mandalas might carry the intention of this abundant energy, perhaps representing health, finances, peace or fertility.

Recipe for an outdoor Mandala Set an intention—this will be the focal thought, the subject upon which you’ll meditate as you build your Mandala. It might be a particular energy you’d like to be influenced by, or a wish, a goal or a person.

Decide on the size of your Mandala, and consider what surface it will be built on.

Gather your materials—fill a basket with natural objects that catch your eye. They should be things that inspire you as you walk in the area.

You can begin anywhere, but you may find it useful to outline the borders of your Mandala first.

Fill in the borders using patterns of colour, texture, shapes and symbols meaningful to you. page

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Living the widsom of the cycles Autumn words Jane Hardwicke Collings artwork Tina Papasavvas Jane is an independent midwife, a homebirth mother of four, a grandmother and a teacher of the Women’s Mysteries. She gives workshops, writes books and has founded The School of Shamanic Midwifery. As Jane says, she’s working for the Goddess. www.moonsong.com.au www.schoolofshamanicmidwifery.com www.placentalremedy.com

a time for life review and letting go. See issue five of Barefoot for more information on this phase.

At this part of the cycle—in a day, the Earth’s seasons, our life seasons, the lunation cycle or the menstrual cycle— everything starts to slow down and turn within. The harvest is apparent and available, the fruits of our labours, both in the garden and metaphorically in our lives, are evident.

Autumn presents us with the opportunity to review how our ‘growing season’ went, whether our metaphoric gardening techniques worked or not. With our ‘harvest’ right there in front of us (or not), we have the opportunity to review whether what we put our energy into yielded a worthwhile harvest or didn’t. There are no failures here, just opportunities to learn. It’s about our thought processes, our fears, our beliefs—the conditions we ‘grow’ things in.

In the cycle of a day, when the equivalent to the energy of autumn arrives—late afternoon to dusk—it’s clear what we’ve achieved in the day. We have the chance to review what yielded and what didn’t, as well as the opportunity to adjust our expectations.

The moon phases that have the energy of autumn are the waning moon, from the third quarter moon, through to the balsamic moon—the phase after the full and before the dark. At this time of the lunar cycle, what was started (consciously or not) at the new moon can be seen in its harvest phase.

In the menstrual cycle, the autumn time equivalent is week three of the cycle. As she leaves the high point of her fertility, her ovulation, her metaphoric summer and full moon, and prepares for her descent, everything that’s not working in a woman’s life, like outdated beliefs, ways of relating to others and herself and maybe old habits make themselves known, loud and clear. This will manifest in whatever way it needs to get her attention, with the hope that she will notice what needs to change in time for the next cycle of growth.

Typically, women get short tempered, tired and cranky when that ‘same ol’ stuff comes up. The fact to be mindful of here is that if we don’t ‘get’ and interpret the messages from our body, then the symptoms need to get worse to get our attention.

The ‘Maga’ autumn life phase, post menopause, is certainly page

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Through the review process we can see what no longer serves us and let go of that, like the leaves from the trees. And, most importantly, give thanks for our ‘harvest’, whether that be things/projects/ new ways of being that have been fully actioned or completed and brought to fruition. Giving thanks, gratitude and acknowledgement of where we are in our life’s journey is a potent and important part of the autumn review.

There is definitely a sense of melancholy associated with this season and this phase of the cycle. The sense of ‘coming down’ from the high of summer, the peak, is very present, and how one negotiates this will be full of opportunities for self learning.

How do you feel when the ‘party is over’? Do you willingly embark on the descent?

What arises for you at this part of the process? And remember there’s no right or wrong answers, just the chance for self knowing.

There are three ancient festivals in autumn that our ancestors celebrated to mark and honour the journey through this season.

Lammas on February 2nd, heralds autumn. The autumn Equinox or Mabon on March 21st —equal day and equal night—marks mid autumn, and Halloween or Samhain, on April 31st, is the final harvest festival, marking the end of autumn and the start winter. There are many ways to mark these ancient festivals, what was once the responsibility of the community to do this, now is a way of creating community.

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The wisdom of the cycles is so apparent in autumn. Autumn wisdom is about the harvest and letting go.

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