Barnard Bulletin- April Fool's Issue

Congratulations, we did it. We’ve successfully managed to trudge through the trenches of the sec-­ ond semester slumps, and here we are: April, which has arrived in all of its wintery-­mix glory. And it wasn’t easy getting here, trust us. Late nights spent clacking away at our keyboards to finish each paper, each proposal, each application, and each issue has left us in dire need of a good laugh.

We’ve had fun putting this one together, and we hope you have fun reading it in the back of your lecture class when you’re feeling trapped and panicky. So while most of this is a joke, Millie really is dating the Brown Mascot -­-­ no, seriously.

With love and laughs, Ray & Christine Co-­Editors in Chief DEADLINE FOR WITHDRAWING FROM A COURSE OR UTI-­ LIZING THE PASS/D/FAIL OPTION is March 28. Please remem-­ ber that you must be enrolled for at least 12 points unless you have been given permission to take fewer points by your adviser and Class Dean.

PRE-­LAW INFORMATIONAL MEETING: Dean Kuan Tsu will hold a pre-­law informational meeting on Monday, April 8, at 5:30 pm in 306 Milbank. All students who are planning to apply in the com-­ ing year for entry into law school for Fall 2014 must attend; other students who will be applying in the future are also welcome. Dean Kuan Tsu will discuss in detail the law school application process and answer any questions you may have.

TRAVEL MEDICINE: If you are traveling outside of the US (es-­ pecially if you are going to Asia, Africa, the Caribbean, Central or South America, Europe, Mexico, the Middle East and/or the Pacific) over, during the summer or in the fall semester, you may need re-­ quired or recommended vaccines and/or malaria prophylaxis. Travel health counseling can prepare you for a safe and enjoyable trip!

Please call the Primary Care Health Service (212-­854-­2091) to set up an appointment for a pre-­travel visit.

STUDY ABROAD PHOTO CONTEST (SNAP) EXHIBIT RECEP-­ TION: Thursday, April 1 from 5:30 p.m. -­ 7:00 p.m. in the Diana 4th Floor Gallery. The SNAP Photo Competition celebrates the photos of Barnard’s Study Abroad returnees and VISP (Visiting International Students Program) students. Refreshments will be served and the winners from the Office of International Programs’ Annual Photo Contest will be announced. The SNAP exhibition will be on display in the 4th Floor Diana Gallery from March 25th -­ April 2nd. Everyone is welcome. Sponsored by: The Camille Bouquet ’07 Memorial Fund and the International Initiatives Fund of the Office of the Provost.

ABROAD COURSE APPROVAL TRAINING: Wednesday, March 27th from 12-­1 p.m. in 325 Milbank and Tuesday, April 9th from 12-­1 p.m. in 203 Diana. During these trainings, a member of the Regis-­ trar’s Office will take prospective study abroad students through how to fill out course approvals via eBear in order to receive Barnard credit for abroad classes.

NOTICE OF STUDY LEAVES DUE: For students interested in studying abroad for the FALL ‘13 or the ENTIRE ACADEMIC YEAR ‘13-­14 Notice of Study leaves are due by April 1, 2013 by 5:00 p.m. You will not be officially on leave until you submit this form.

Bills from the bursar, memos from the registrar etc will assume you are NOT studying abroad until you submit the Notice of Study Leave.

To submit, log onto your eBear account, click on the Study Abroad tab, choose the Notice of Study Leave form in the left-­hand naviga-­ tion bar. Complete and submit.

THE BULLETIN -­ -­ APRIL FOOL’S

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Times Square: The Heart of New York

By Karl-Mary Akre

N

ow that we’re mid-way sic black tee. But, yeah, pretty much city and don your “I Love New York” through the second se-

everything.”

t-shirt with pride! Or you could just

mester, you might be

searching for your 2012-2013 Bucket List,

hidden

somewhere

stay in the heart of the city. After all, When shopping gets old or your

Times Square never grows old.

under- wallet inevitably runs dry, the time

neath a pile of dirty mugs and syl-

comes to break out the photogra-

labi on your desk. As you frantically phy skills. It’s a well-known fact that start checking destinations off your

photos taken in Times Square are

list, perhaps there is one more that

the epitome of artistic sophistica-

slipped your mind. Assuming that tion (and convenient social media you’re snugly fit into an authentic “I fodder). A photo of someone almost Love New York” t-shirt, it’s time to losing their life in a faux attempt to make that statement official. Every

hail a taxi? Classic New York. An in-

New Yorker knows that one isn’t a

credibly uncomfortable photo with

true cosmopolitan until he or she vis- the Naked Cowboy? Edgy. A photo its the best place the city has to offer:

of the family who flew in from Utah

Times Square.

while inexplicably wearing Hawaiian shirts? Another testament to the

There’s nothing better than stroll-

welcoming energy upon which New

ing into the hullabaloo of the city,

Yorkers seem to thrive. No other city

stopping to gaze at all the brightly

is rife with exotic wildlife that is more

lit advertisements, and… not much than willing to scurry up to you from else. But that’s perfectly fine, because

the sewers!

every store you could ever think of resides here: Pokemon, M&M’s,

Of course, every New Yorker

Aeropostale… It’s almost like reliving

knows that the best time to spend

the best years (well, the first fourteen

an exciting night in Times Square

years) of your life all over again.

is really anytime from Monday to

If you’ve ever wondered what the Wednesday. The austere silence and basement level of Forever 21 looked

awkwardly vacant horse-drawn car-

like, you’re in luck. And yeah, you’re riages almost add to the sense of probably right— more overpriced Pe- grandeur. One can’t help but feel a ter Pan collared blouses. But they’re

touch of the famed New York Majesty

Peter Pan collared blouses from as multiple Sesame Street characters Times Square, which makes them attempt to entice tourists with weak, quite a steal. You can’t put a price on outdated dance moves. the jealous looks your friends back

Once you’ve experienced the beau-

home are bound to toss you as you ty, excitement, and smells of Times casually answer, “This old thing? I Square at night, celebration is in orgot it in Times Square. They have ev- der. You’re an official New Yorker erything there. Except for, like, a ba- now. It’s time to explore the rest of the

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!""##$%& '()* By: Maitland Quitmeyer

O

ne of the most daunting aspects of going to college can be facing a new roommate. Every girl wants a Monica for their Rachel, a Robin to their Ted, an Allie to their Hedy. For those who have never shared a room before, this can be a major adjustment in sleep schedule or hygiene habits. But the goal is not to merely get along with your new Barnard buddy; you want to make sure that you become instafriends. Turn that stranger sleeping across the room into your new bestie with these simple and easy-to-follow steps:

Instagram pictures of her sleeping!

Everyone knows that ladies look the best in the middle of the night, so capture your new BFF’s natural beauty, retainer and all. Friend all of her buddies on Facebook to share the candids with

Never do your laundry! Ain’t nobody got time for that, anyway. Your roommate will grow to love the smell of your natural pheromones– be sure to leave your gym clothes under her pillow for extra oomph.

Be her new alarm clock! Play a

funky tune at 6am every morning to make sure your roomie is on time for class. Whether you choose MMMBop, Who Let the Dogs Out, or Tik Tok, she’ll be sure to appreciate your thoughtful-

Become a merry prankster!

If there was ever a time to show your funny side it would be now.

For a classic approach, put her finger in a glass of warm water while she sleeps and just wait to laugh at the results.

Wake her up for story time when you come home! When stumbling into your room at 3 am on a Tuesday night after raging, make sure to wake her up to tell her all about the boy you met who seemed really nice, but who then started talking to another girl...and you got mad and stuff, but then you talked to his friend and he got jealous, but it didn’t matter anyway because you still kind of have a thing with this guy you knew in high school who used to go out with your best friend, but you two kind of drifted apart when she like stopped coming to school and like cut off all her hair.

She will be so grateful you woke her up and shared your feelings.

Remember, don’t worry if your roomie seems unreceptive to your overtures of friendship. The harder you try, the more likely you two will become thicker than thieves (especially if you start stealing her clothing).

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Strong Barnard Women !"#$%&'"$()*+,-'.

Dear Students,

It has recently come to our attention that many of you find the front doors of the Diana center to be too heavy and too dangerous. We’ve even heard that some of you plan to camp out in front of the doors until we agree to install lighter ones. While we agree that the Diana Center’s doors are heavy, and perhaps for some of our less careful students, a bit dangerous, we would like to point out that there is a reason that the word “strong” is the first adjective in the Barnard student motto.

We fear that many of you are not living up to the Strong and Beautiful attributes that a Barnard woman is required to possess.

Barnard women should be strong enough to open those doors with great ease, and they should be intelligent enough to not get their fingers or hands or any other body part stuck and/or caught in the grasp of the doors.

It is for this reason that we are implementing a new policy, effective immediately: any Barnard student who cannot open the doors with ease (full body shoves or any physical sign of extreme effort will NOT count) will be denied the right to graduate.

Think of it as our protest against the sexist exclusion of Barnard women from the Columbia swim test. It’s time to start looking at the Diana’s doors as a test of strength--if you cannot open them, then why are you at Barnard in the first place? So before making your little protest signs and pitching your ugly tents in front of the Diana Center, think about what it really means to be a Barnard student. Are you both strong and beautiful? Because after a couple of nights in those protest tents, we fear that you may be neither.

We ask that you do not respond to this email and instead sign up for an in-person meeting with members of our administration to talk about this issue. Meetings will take place between February 30th and February 35th of 2053.

Have a wonderful, strong, and beautiful day, women!

Best, Unnamed members of the administration

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Millie the Dancing Bear Spotted with Brown University Mascot

By Hannah Miller

Q

uite the buzz was stirred in March when Barnard’s beloved

Long distance relationships are a bitch, and since he lives at Brown,

mascot, Millie the Dancing Bear, was spotted holding

he’s probably stoned all the time.”

hands…errr paws…with Brown University’s mascot, Bruno

the Brown Bear at a basketball game between their respective schools.

Roaree the Lion, long-rumored to be Millie’s lover, also attended the game and seemed very disheartened. Though this may be because his

There also has been talk that the breakup of the campus’ ultimate power couple resulted from the Obamanard backlash of last year. Sarah Fitzsimmons-Perkins BC’15 claims that Roaree did not

team had just suffered a heartbreaking loss after Columbia made a last- provide Millie with the proper support during this difficult time and that that “Millie can do so much better than Roaree. I mean Bruno’s second shot that ricocheted off of the rim, arced over the span of the court, and landed solidly in Brown’s basket giving them a 65-62 victory the same species as Millie. It probably makes certain things [suggestive cough] easier.” over the Lions.

This typical moment from the black hole of desolation that

Whatever the reason for the split, it seems that Roaree is

is Columbia athletics did not put a damper on Millie’s spirits… though trying to win her back. It is rumored at the next basketball game, this might just be the result of years of hardening herself to being con- he is going to have the band dedicate a song to her during halftime. tinuously disappointed at her university’s sporting events. Eyewitnesses Considering that the band knows only knows four songs, it’s probclaim to have seen Millie and Bruno heading off to share a Tom’s milk- ably going to be “Party Rock Anthem.” shake and then retiring for the evening to her Master Suite at the top of Sulzberger Tower.

Millie and her PR representatives declined to give any comments, but President Spar did let slip about how happy she was for her friend: “I know I always write about how difficult it is for a woman to have it all, but Millie seems to be doing such a good job of it!” Some students, however, were vocal in expressing their discontent. “I’ve been on Team Moaree since I was a prospective student.

In an environment where the relationship between Barnard and Columbia is so undefined and confusing, their love was the one thing that made sense” says Anna Rosenlinden BC’12. Rosenlinden’s comments were echoed by Rachel Rodriguez BC’16, who says “I don’t think Bruno’s good for Millie.

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By Deanna Bennett

trong, beautiful Barnard women ed Barnard. But those of the younger set were chemistry professor said. “You get one or might just have to get used to the a bit more liberally minded. idea of strong, beautiful Barnard

two in a class every semester or so, but noth-

“I don’t see any reason why boys ing on the scale of a co-ed classroom. I’m not

boys. After over a century of single-sex edu- should be excluded from getting the same ex- sure how I would feel about it. To be honest, cation, reports have been trickling in from cellent education we receive at Barnard,” said I’d worry about the material being too diffiinside sources that Barnard will be the next a first year. “It’s totally sexist against men. cult, and the class average taking a subsequent of the seven sisters to go co-ed, following the Just because they’ve been stereotyped as vio- nose-dive.” trails of Vassar and Radcliffe. Whether the lent and stupid doesn’t mean they all are! I’ve

Beyond the students and faculty,

college will finally fully integrate with Co- met some really nice, and genuinely intelligent there are also the parents’ opinions to considlumbia, or establish its own independent, co- boys. It’ll be a challenge but I think they can do er. A few parents on a tour of the school were ed institution remains to be seen, but papers it.” have been found detailing plans to introduce

presented with the hypothetical integration of But students aren’t the only ones the sexes.

a maximum of seventy-five boys into the first split in opinion—members of the faculty have

“Oh no,” said one Midwestern

year class of 2018. President Spar could not be also expressed reservations concerning the mother, wrinkling her nose. “No, I wouldn’t reached for comments on these rumors, but imminent introduction of the opposite sex. student reactions have been mixed thus far.

approve of that at all—it’s just not right for

“I’ve never really taught men,” one young unmarried men to cohabitate with our

“I mean, if I wanted to go to

girls. I suppose it sounds a bit old fashioned,

a co-ed institution, I would have just

but I just don’t think it’d be right. Having to

gone to Columbia,” one Barnard senior

worry about boys being seduced by women

said with a shrug. “Plus I don’t know if

left and right? I want my daughter to get an

guys could handle it—the course load,

education, not some cheap boyfriend.”

the intimidation of being the minority

Another moher came down on

gender. It’d be too much for most of

the pro-male integration side. “Well, I’m not

them.”

in love with the idea, but maybe it would be “Honestly, I don’t even think

healthy, you know? You have all these men

men should be going to college,” said

who get married and have no idea what to ex-

one junior. “Their place is in the garage,

pect—maybe it’d be educational. Though I’d

fixing cars where they belong. I mean

hate to think of boys coming here only look-

I’m not a misandrist, but who wants a

ing for their M.R. degree,” she said, frowning.

husband that’ll be smarter than her?

The Bulletin’s source (who requests

Also co-ed dorms? Our bathrooms

that her anonymity be preserved) said that

aren’t made with guys in mind.” From

students should be receiving an official an-

those polled, most upperclass women

nouncement with regard to the new boys

were of a similar mindset—that most

of Barnard sometime within the next few

guys would not be able to handle a co-

months. !"#$%&''#!()$*$+,-('$.//'01

!"#$%&'()'*+%,-./0/('./-1% By: Ruby Dutcher

A

package or other item requiring your unintelligible scribble has arrived and is being processed.

Students: please note that you must wait an hour before going to the service window. If you do not wait an hour before going to the service window, you may get a cramp and drown.

This package may contain a long-awaited paycheck or perhaps your anti-anxiety medication. It may also contain an obscure book that you ordered from Amazon two months ago for 97 cents (plus shipping and handling), from a seller with a low approval rating. And now, you don’t actually need that book anymore because you had to write a paper on it last week, and so you just ended up buying it for ten bucks from that girl on your floor who never leaves her room and smells kind of like Hewitt’s breakfast tofu. The only way to know for

sure is to drop absolutely everything and check right now.

And by right now, we mean in exactly an hour.

religious and state holidays, and in the event that it has snowed at any point in the last week. But hey, it’s not like you needed those anti-anxiety pills That is, of course, unless this anyway. email was sent after 4 PM, in which case we will be closed.

In that event you may pick up your package tomorrow. For your review and convenience TRACKING here is a listing of our hours: We open bright and early at #:1ZW0Y5420278874509 11 AM (ish). You will notice Delivered:False that this just a little bit too late Location: to come in before your 11:40 Carrier:UPS class, because last time you Sender: tried that you ended up waiting Name:Ruby D Dutcher in line for half an hour before Run:1 finally picking up your copy Item Type: of Plato’s Erotic Dialogues— TimeAdded:9/6/2012 4:33:17 which is not what it sounds PM like you swear—and ran into ChargeAmount: your class ten minutes late. We phone:6004 close promptly at 4:45, right ControlNumber: before you get out of work. Of Function:Mail Services course this schedule is subject Quantity:1 to change in the event of obLocation: scure and randomly selected

Condition: User1: User2: User3: User4: User5: User6: User7: User8: User9:

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Tina Fey: Presenting SPOTLIGHTMs. Bossypants

An Athena Center Power Talk

By Saige Frink

At long last, the speaker we’ve all been waiting for – Tina Fey, actor, comedian, writer, producer, generally awesome figure of female empowerment – is coming to Barnard for an interactive lecture in the Diana Event Oval on Friday, April 12, 2013. Fey admitted that she has received plenty of college speaking offers in the past, but rarely accepts any due to her busy schedule. I sat down with Tina Fey for a comfortable five-minute long gchat to interview her about her upcoming power talk.

Q:

Can you give us a sneak preview about what we can expect at your Barnard lecture?

TF: My unsolicited advice to women is this.

When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in-between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

Q:

You received offers to speak at both Columbia College and Barnard College. Why Barnard?

TF: I’m a strong and independent woman, and I figured I’d have a larger audience for my material at Barnard. Anyway, I’m not the first to make this choice…I believe the President set that precedent.

Q

: Recently Bonnie MacFarlane’s documentary “Women Aren’t Funny” premiered at Barnard’s Athena Film Festival. How do you respond when you hear people say women aren’t or can’t be funny?

TF: Whenever someone says to me, “Jerry Lewis says women aren’t funny,” or “Christopher Hitchens says women aren’t funny,” or “Rick Fenderman says women aren’t funny...

Do you have anything to say to that?” all I want to say is “Fuck you” and show them a clip of Amy and me hosting the Golden Globes. I don’t tell them this, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is dead, and the third guy I made up.

Q:

Alumna and writer Anna Quindlen says that she “majored in Unafraid” at Barnard. Tell us about a time when you majored in unafraid.

TF: I considered it at UVA, but in the end decided on Acting. Majoring in Unafraid wasn’t necessary until later, when I had to pretend to be Sarah Palin…

Tina Fey will be speaking at Barnard on Friday, April 12, 2013, at 7 pm in the Diana Event Oval.

Only one ticket will be issued per Barnard ID. Tickets can be purchased at the door starting at 6 pm. Fey’s lecture will be followed by a short Q&A Session.

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Confident, Comfortable, Connected Do you want to connect and talk more with people but often feel overwhelmed by fears or worries? If yes, the Confident, Comfortable, and Connected group may be the place for you to develop your social skills and connect with others in a supportive space. (Requires initial meeting with group leader.)Group leader: Mayowa Obasaju, Ph.D. Day and Time: Mondays 4:00-5:00 PM, Location: TBD

Relationship Group We all have many kinds of relationships: friendships, romantic, family, and professional relationships. Relation-ships enrich our lives and the ability to develop fulfilling relationships contributes to our sense of well-being. This process-oriented group is for those who find initiating and/or sustaining fulfilling relationships difficult. You will learn how to increase communication in relationships, balance your needs with others, and understand yourself better. (Requires initial meeting with group leader.)Group Leader: Anna Lin, Ph.D. Day and Time: TBD , Location: Furman Counseling Center Q2A: Queer, Questioning and Allies Support Group This is a group for students who want a safe space to talk about queer issues such as the possibility of being Queer, what it is like being Queer at Barnard, how to come out to family, how to reconcile religion with sexuality, or any other Queer issues that are important to you! The group is facilitated by a Queer identified Furman counselor and will be a safe and fun space. (Requires initial meeting with group leader.) Group leader: Gillian Scott-Ward, Ph.D., Day and Time: TBD, Location: Furman Counseling Center Body Balance Group A confidential support group for people with body dis-satisfaction, food or weight preoccupations, rigid exercise routines, compulsive over or under eating, or purging behaviors. The goals of the group comprise minimizing and eliminating disordered eating behaviors and strengthening regard for and appreciation of one’s body. (Requires initial meeting with group leader.) Group leader: Karen Gelder, Ph.D, Day and Time: Mondays 4:00 PM- 5:00pm, Location: Furman Counseling Center Senior Student Support Group This is a group for Barnard students who are navigating their senior year. We will discuss the joys and stressors associated with the transition out of Barnard. (Requires initial meeting with group leader.) Group Leader, Day and Time, and Location: TBD

For more Bear Essentials, visit http://thebarnardbulletin.com

Coping with Loss Support Group This support group is for students who have lost a parental figure and are experiencing emotions associated with grief that make it difficult to enjoy “college life.” In this group everyone can understand what you’re going through. While we do talk about serious issues we also laugh, share good fortune, and exchange ideas. (Requires initial meeting with group leader.) Group leader: Hilary Colenso, Ph.D. Day and Time: Tuesday 5:30 PM, Location: Brooks 97 !"#$%&''#!()$*$$$*+,-('$.//'01