Bubba Whartz
“A character witness?” “Well, he’s a good customer,” she replied. “So, was there really a hearing?” “Yes, there was. It took place in St. Petersburg, at the By Morgan Stinemetz Coast Guard facility downtown just day before yesterday. It didn’t last long though, but it seemed like an eternity.” “What happened,” I asked. BUBBA HAS A COST GUARD HEARING “Bubba told me that he had a plan for making quick It was just a minor infraction that the Coast Guard work of the hearing, but he didn’t tell me what it was,” tagged Bubba Whartz, the skipper of the home-built, Doobie said. ferro-cement sloop Right Guard, with. Something about “What was the plan?” the flares on his boat being a few weeks out of date. If “The week before the hearing, Bubba started on a Bubba had been a little more laid back, he could have strict diet of Mexican food. Lots of beans. Then he added gotten off with a warning, just a piece of paper that cucumbers and broccoli to that. By the time the hearing officially said, “Don’t do this again.” came around, he was like a ticking time bomb, ready to According to Doobie, the baretenderette at The Blue explode. But he didn’t tell me about it ahead of time. We Moon Bar, that was not how it went down, however. went up to the hearing in separate cars anyway.” “You know how stubborn Bubba is when he thinks that “What happened in the hearing room?” he has had his freedom stepped upon?” was the way she “The hearing officer, a Lieutenant Commander, phrased it after she had put a glass of suds on the bar for called the hearing to order and took our names. He me and collected my money. also received into evidence one of the out-of-date “I know he has some strange ideas of just what personal liberty entails,” I said. “There was a time a few years back flares that Bubba brought with him. The officer was reading the Coast Guard regulations regarding flares when he did kind of a vigil on Right Guard to show his support of a bunch of people in Montana who were holding into the record when Bubba had a gas attack. It was noisy, of course. The officer out against the law up there. I stopped for a second and think it had something to do “Bubba has been banned went on. Five seconds with the right to bear arms from The Blue Moon Bar until then later Bubba fired off another or, maybe, an overdue library he gets his bowels back in order. salvo. The hearing officer book. Whatever it was, Bubba up and opened a window. thought those people’s rights He has another six days to go,” got I was glad that he did. The had been abridged.” said the baretenderette. air in that hearing room was “I don’t know what gets not safe to breathe.” into Bubba from time to time, “How did Bubba react to but he sure makes it hard for this?” I wanted to know. himself when he gets in a snit. He doesn’t know how to “Like it hadn’t occurred,” Doobie replied. “But we all resolve conflicts very well, but he sure likes the getting knew that it had. It is just that no one wanted to mention it even part,” Doobie said. within the context of an official federal hearing.” “You are right about that,” I agreed. “I can think of a “That makes sense to me,” I agreed. “How can you half dozen times he has settled scores with motorboat make reference to something that is intangible anyway. people or jet skiers or dock masters. Sometimes it wasn’t What Bubba did couldn’t be addressed in a normal pretty. So, what is it that I heard about Bubba having a way, could it?” problem with the Coast Guard?” “Most of the things that Bubba does cannot be “He was sailing in Sarasota Bay when he was addressed in a normal way,” Doobie affirmed. She was, stopped for a safety inspection by a Coast Guard of course, right. boat. They found that some flares on the boat were “What happened next?” apparently not legal. Something like that. Bubba came “The officer was trying to conduct this hearing in a in here and told me that the flares were only just out military fashion, kind of spit and polish, and Bubba kept of date and he thought the Coast Guard was picking gumming up the works. At one point, the hearing officer on him,” the bartenderette explained. “He said that he got out a pack of matches and lit a couple, but other than didn’t want to have an infraction on his record, him burning real brightly for a bit they did not make any being a licensed Coast Guard captain and all. He said difference. Sometimes we heard what Bubba was doing. that he wanted a hearing on the matter, which is, I Sometimes we didn’t. But in every case we knew what he guess, his right. Then he asked me if I would appear had done within seconds. It was unmistakable.” with him as a character witness.”
162 Summer 2013 pg 162-163 Bubba Whartz.indd 2
Cruising 4/25/13 3:24 PM
