Denver Metro Area February 16, 2009
Issue #1075
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It’s that time of year when Hollywood hopefuls don their Sunday best and pervade the Kodak Theatre… whether to win a statuette or just to “be seen.” Read on for some behind-the-scenes Tidbits all about the Academy Awards. • When winners wish to “thank the Academy,” they’re referring to the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, or AMPAS. It was founded as a non-profit organization in 1927, with the goals of promoting the quality of the film medium and providing a forum for the many branches of the industry. (That is, a platform on which to honor not only actors and directors, but all contributors to film production). • How does one join AMPAS? The membership expands solely by invitation. Each year, about 100 invites are sent out to actors, writers, and other film industry personnel. Those who accept the invitation must pay an annual membership fee of $100 and sign documents promising to follow the organization’s rules. Those invited to join in 2008 included Josh Brolin, Jet Li, and Sacha Baron Cohen. • Much like the American population in general, only about 50 percent of Academy members bother to vote each year. • The list of rules and requirements a film must meet in order to be considered for an Oscar are just slightly little less complicated than those printed in the United Nations Charter. For example, submitted films must be of a certain running time, must be recorded on an approved film stock, and must have been publicly exhibited to paying audiences for a specified length of time in certain cities.
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Page 2 THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE (continued)
no experience. This procedure has been the subject of much criticism. Few AMPAS members bother to screen the foreign film submissions, for example. As a result, a voter may have to select a film he or she has never even seen!
February 16, 2009
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• Oscar, as the Academy Award statuette We provide you is known, measures 13½ inches tall and peace of mind is heavier than you might expect, at 8½ We are YOUR pounds. It’s made of Residential Property • The final ballots are mailed to the public tin and copper and Management Specialists accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coothen plated with gold. pers. Three PWC representatives retire Award Winning Customer Service! Since the identities of to a locked, guarded room to tabulate the Ala Carte Services depending on your needs the winners are kept votes and prepare the sealed envelopes Renting? We’ll help you locate the perfect secret until the actuthat contain the names of the 22 main home... FREE! al awards ceremony, winners. Those envelopes are given to the plaques on the Call Today! a senior PWC official, who brings them pedestals of the statOffice: (303) 766--7620 to the auditorium and hands them to the uettes handed out Cell: (720) 320--7711 presenters just before each winner is anonstage are blank. nounced. A back-up representative travels Winners return them to the ceremony in a separate car with a ily members, etc.), so another dozen seats to the Academy the duplicate set of winners’ envelopes, just in or more may be spoken for. The families next morning to have case something happens to the first offiof executives from companies that spontheir name, award cial (or the original envelopes) en route. sor the ceremony get the next batch of category, and the year engraved on the free seats. Any remaining tickets are ofplaque. As a protective measure, a unique • If the first courier makes it to the auditorifered for $200 each to AMPAS members um safe and sound, the back-up sits in the serial number is engraved on the back of on a first-come, first-served basis. audience and opens the envelopes along each Oscar, since they remain the legal with the presenter. This double-check • Those bleacher seats outside the theater property of AMPAS. measure allows a PWC representative to beside the red carpet are available only to • The Oscar statuettes are manufactured by interject if the presenter happens to read those who win a lottery. Interested attendR.S. Owens and Company of Chicago; the the incorrect name or title onstage. Thus ees must submit an application – along same company that produces the trophies far in Oscar history, such a correction has with a photo – and then wait to hear whethfor Miss America, the NFL’s Most Valunever been necessary. er or not their name has been “pulled out able Player, and the Rock and Roll Hall of of the hat.” The 400 or so spectators who Fame. AMPAS usually orders about 100 • There are always more AMPAS members “win” are given an official acceptance letthan there are seats in the venue where Oscars (at $200 each) to ensure that they ter from AMPAS. No one else is allowed in the Academy Awards ceremony is held. have extras to hand out in categories with the bleachers, even if they spent the night Nominees and presenters are given seats multiple winners. before waiting on the pavement in hopes in what is called the “golden horseshoe.” • AMPAS rules prohibit studios from using of grabbing a vacant spot. It’s close to the stage so that their faces certain methods to promote their films, incan be seen when the camera scans the • Even though the stars won’t begin arrivcluding direct mail, telephone campaigns, audience, and also so they don’t have to ing until 4 in the afternoon, spectators with and elaborate banquets. Instead, studios walk far to present or collect their awards. bleacher tickets must arrive at the theater take out expensive “For Your ConsiderWhen someone leaves the audience, a by 9:30 a.m. They’ll be rewarded for their ation” ads in film industry magazines like designated “seat filler” quickly rushes over patience with a view from a ringside seat The Hollywood Reporter or Variety. Does and sits in the abandoned chair so that no when the stars arrive and walk the legthis tactic work? DreamWorks Pictures empty seats appear on camera. endary red carpet. At 6 p.m., the bleacher spent over $750,000 on Variety ads to crowd will cross the street to enjoy the TV promote 1999’s American Beauty, which • Of course, those in the golden horseshoe broadcast of the event at the El Capitan also require seats for their escorts and won five Oscars. Theatre. their entourage (personal assistants, fam• Once the preliminary voting commences, all AMPAS members are allowed to nominate candidates for Best Picture and the Best Actor categories. Only those who work in the same specialization are allowed to nominate choices for technical awards. Only directors, for instance, can suggest a film for Best Director. Once the preliminary votes are tabulated, the top choices in each category become the official nominees. • After the nominees have been selected, ballots are sent out to all AMPAS members. All members get to vote in every category, even those in which they have
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February 16, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
1. GEOGRAPHY: Where is the Bay of Fundy?
Page 3
• On Feb. 19, 1847, the first rescuers reach surviving members of the Donner Party, a group of Californiabound emigrants stranded by snow in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Three more rescue parties arrived to help, but of the 89 original members of the group, only 45 reached California.
2. SCIENCE: How much faster does sound travel in water than in air? 3. MATH: What is the origin of the word “zero”? 4. ENTERTAINERS: Which famous comedian once trained as a boxer? 5. ANATOMY: What part of the human anatomy contains a region called the macula?
• On Feb. 16, 1923, in Thebes, Egypt, English archaeologist Howard Carter enters the sealed burial chamber of the ancient Egyptian ruler King Tutankhamen. King Tut lived around 1400 B.C. and died when he was still a teenager.
6. LANGUAGE: What is a “beau geste”? 7. MEASUREMENTS: What does a gill measure? 8. INVENTIONS: What was the yoyo’s use for hundreds of years before it became a toy?
• On Feb. 18, 1930, the planet Pluto is discovered by the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Ariz. In August 2006, however, the International Astronomical Union announced that Pluto would no longer be considered a planet as Pluto’s oblong orbit overlaps that of Neptune.
9. AD SLOGANS: Which company urged customers to “run for the border”? 10. TELEVISION: Which television sitcom was set in the Stratford Inn? Answers 1. Between the Canadian provinces of New Brunswick and Nova Scotia 2. Four times faster 3. Arabic, from the word “sifr,” which means empty 4. Bob Hope 5. The eye 6. A magnanimous gesture 7. Liquid, usually one-half cup or one-quarter of a pint 8. A weapon. Pedro Flores, a Philippine immigrant, invented the yo-yo toy in the 1920s. 9. Taco Bell 10. “Newhart”
• On Feb. 22, 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt orders Gen. Douglas MacArthur out of the Philippines, as the American defense of the islands collapses. MacArthur at first balked -- he was fully prepared to fight alongside his men to the death if necessary -- but finally obeyed the president’s order in March. • On Feb. 21, 1952, Elizabeth Taylor, 20, marries Michael Wilding. It was Taylor’s second marriage: At age 18, she had married hotelier Nicky Hilton, less than two weeks before the debut of her 1950 movie “Father of the Bride.” She would be married six more times, twice to Richard Burton.
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
• On Feb. 17, 1979, Garrison Keillor’s popular radio variety show “Prairie Home Companion” is first broadcast nationally as part of National Public Radio’s Folk Festival America. The show, which had been running locally on Minnesota Public Radio since 1974, is still on the air today.
Barrel of Knowledge
• Adult polar bears grow to be 7 to 8 ½ feet tall and up to 1,600 pounds. • Along with the Arctic fox, the polar bear is the most northerly located land mammal on earth. • Polar bears are able to run up to 25 miles per hour and can outrun a reindeer. • The life span of polar bears can be up to 34 years. • Female polar bears tend to breed only every other year and when they do, usually 1 to 4 cubs are born during March and April.
• On Feb. 20, 1986, France and Britain announce that a tunnel under the English Channel between the two countries would soon become a reality. Trains, cars and buses would be able to speed through the tunnel in less than half an hour. Construction began in December 1987, and the “Chunnel” was finally completed in 1994. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
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February 16, 2009
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“Changeling” -- Angelina Jolie gives an awardwinning performance as Christine Collins, a single mother living in 1920s Los Angeles who challenges a corrupt police department and is brutalized as a result. Based on an actual case, the story revolves around the disappearance of Collins’ 9-yearold son. She files a report with the LAPD and for five months nothing is done. After some public pressure is put on the department, the LAPD picks up a kid found in Indiana and tries to pass the child off as Christine’s son -despite the fact that the boy’s dental records don’t match, he’s shorter, uncircumcised and all of the kid’s teachers say “It’s not the boy.” Collins confronts the LAPD, who respond by saying that she has become mentally unstable due to the abduction of her child and should be placed in a mental institution. So, they throw her in the looney bin, where she undergoes some pretty horrible treatment. Although this isn’t Clint Eastwood’s best directorial effort (“Unforgiven” still holds that spot in my book), “Changeling” is a compelling and heart-wrenching motion picture. ALSO
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“Religulous” -- Comedian Bill Maher stars in this documentary about his journey around the world, where he confronts and questions leaders and followers of the major religions about the tenets of their faith. Telling people their religion is a joke and that their god doesn’t exist is a touchy and awkward subject for a film. Maher’s smugness doesn’t really help the situation, which made the film for me, at times, unwatchable. That said, I know a lot of people who have seen the film and say they enjoyed it quite a lot, so I’ll leave it up to you. KIDS AND FAMILY “High School Musical 3: Senior Year” -- I have not seen this movie. I will never see this movie. That’s because I am neither a 10-year-old girl nor gay. But, I know it’s going to sell a bajillion copies, and all you parents out there will have to go out and buy it for your kids, so I’m letting you know that it’ll be out on Feb. 17. There. I’ve done my part. You have my sympathies. TV SERIES
“Murder, She Wrote” The Complete Ninth Season “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” The Fifth Season “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” The Eighth Year “Dead Like Me” Complete Series “The Beverly Hillbillies” The Official Third Season “The F Word” Series One “The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest” Season 1, Vol. 1 “Ragnarok” Complete Box Set “Smurfs” Vol. 1 (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Road, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to Colo residents, 10am - 5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free day: First Friday of each month, 9am - 5pm 1005 York Street, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Wed Mar 18, Sun Apr 19, Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www. dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov
Sports
Colorado Avalanche - NHL Avalanche host Senators: Tue Feb 17, 7:30 pm Capitals host Avalanche: Fri Feb 20, 5:00 pm Hurricans host Avalanche: Sun Feb 22, 1:00 pm Thrashers host Avalanche: Tue Feb 24, 5:00 pm Devils host Avalanche: Thu Feb 26, 5:00 pm Rangers host Avalanche: Sat Feb 28, 5:00 pm Islanders host Avalanche: Mon Mar 2, 5:00 pm Avalanche hosts Red Wings: Wed Mar 4, 7:00pm Blackhawks host Avalanche: Sun Mar 8, 1:00 pm Avalanche hosts Thrashers: Tue Mar 10, 7:00 pm Avalanche hosts Wild: Thu Mar 12, 7:00 pm Oilers host Avalanche: Sat Mar 14, 8:00 pm Canucks host Avalanche: Sun Mar 15, 8:00 pm Wild host Avalanche: Tue Mar 17, 6:00 pm Avalanche hosts Oilers: Thu Mar 19, 7:00 pm Denver Nuggets - NBA Philadelphia hosts Nuggets: Wed Feb 18, 6 pm Chicago hosts Nuggets: Fri Feb 20, 6:30 pm Milwaukee hosts Nuggets: Sun Feb 22, 3:00 pm Nuggets host Boston: Mon Feb 23, 7:00 pm Nuggets host Atlanta: Wed Feb 25, 7:00 pm Nuggets host Lakers: Fri Feb 27, 7:00 pm Indiana hosts Nuggets: Sun Mar 1, 5:00 pm Detroit hosts Nuggets: Tue Mar 3, 5:30 pm Nuggets host Portland: Thu Mar 5, 8:30 pm Utah hosts Nuggets: Fri Mar 6, 8:30 pm Sacramento hosts Nuggets: Sun Mar 8, 7:00 pm Nuggets host Houston: Mon Mar 9, 7:00 pm Nuggets host Oklahoma City: Wed Mar 11, 7pm Nuggets host LA Clippers: Sat MAr 14, 7:00 pm Nuggets host New Jersey: Mon Mar 16, 7:00 pm Memphis hosts Nuggets: Wed Mar 18, 6:00 pm Nuggets host Washington: Fri Mar 20, 7:00 pm Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League San Jose hosts Mammoth: Sat Feb 21, 7:30 pm Edmonton hosts Mammoth: Sun Feb 22, 6:00 pm San Jose hosts Mammoth: Sat Mar 14, 1:30 pm Colorado Rockies - Major League Baseball Spring Training Rockies host Arizona: Wed Feb 25, 1:10 pm Rockies host White Sox: Thu Feb 26, 1:10 pm Angels host Rockies: Fri Feb 27, 1:05 pm Rockies host Dodgers: Sat Feb 28, 1:10 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer Denver Outlaws - Major League Lacrosse Denver Broncos - National Football League
February 16, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
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Heirlooms To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com
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Events MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metrowide will receive free microchips! Visit www. ChipYourCat.com for details. FREE Nutrition Classes: Tuesdays January 6, 2009 - March 24, 2009; Brekshires at Lowry 6704-A E. Cedar Ave, Denver 10am - 11am or 6pm - 7pm. Free Personal Coaching, Free Nutritional Information. Learn how to eat and stay healthy with our fast-paced lifestyle. Get to meet new people and have fun. For more information and pre-registration, contact Vivian (303) 355-4770 35th Annual Denver March PowWow: March 20 - March 22, 2009: The Denver Coliseum, Denver. Doors open Friday - Sunday 10:00 am. The Denver March Pow Wow Committee, on behalf of the Denver Indian community, invites all dancers, singers, traders, spectators and powwow fans to their 25th annual powwow. Enjoy dancing, singing, crafts, artisans, frybread and more. $7 per day or $18 for a three day pass. Seniors ages 60+ and children under 6 years of age are FREE! www. DenverMarchPowWow.org 6th Annual Weekend of Jazz: March 26 March 28, 2009: The Broadmoor, Colorado Springs. Grammy Award winning guitarist, Earl Klugh, annually invites jazz and music enthusiasts to a unique, luxurious getaway at the Five Star, Five Diamond Broadmoor Resort. Patti Austin, Spyro Gyra, Jesse, J, Bob James, R ‘n’ R (Rick Braun and Richard Elliot), and more. Tickets now on sale! www. WeekendOfJazz.com 3rd Annual RootsFest - Formerly Known as the Denver Folk and Roots Music Festival: March 28, 2009; Ellie Caulkins Opera House, 1477 Columbine St, Denver. $55 - $125. Saturday 6:00 pm. Headlining - Bluegrass legends Hot Rize, multi-Grammy winner singer/ songwriter Shawn Colvin, and acclaimed guitar virtuoso Leo Kottke. www.SwallowHillMusic.org
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Quips & Quotes
It’s too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. — Colonel Potter When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either. — Leo Burnett Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory. — Sir Thomas Beecham
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Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm. Saturdy 9:00 am 11:00 pm. Sunday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm. www. ParkerOnLine.org Jazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass Village Resort, Snowmass Colorado. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE! Show Times To Be Announced. Music, Food, Friends and Fun. www.SnowmassVillage.com Coolest Car Show: July 4, 2009; 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. Downtown Estes Park, between West Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FOR JUST $10! Proceeds benefit the Estes Park Museum. The Coolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of the cars is encouraged! Information and to register your car: www.EstesParkcvb.com
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Little Known Facts About – Weddings Do you know the most popular month in which couples get married in the United States? June accounts for nearly 11% of all weddings following closely by August (10%), May (10%), July (10%), September (10%), October (9%), December (8%), November (7%), April (7%), February (7%), March (6%) then January with 5% of all weddings. The difference between these months is not nearly as vast as many people believe. On average, there are over 48,000 weddings PER WEEK! Do you know the most popular single DAY in which couples become engaged? That day is Christmas, followed by Valentine’s Day. The average engagement period in the US is 15 months and during those months there are millions, of people looking for their wedding vendors; photographer, videographer, caterer, venues for the wedding and rehearsal dinner, officiant, wedding planner, hair stylist, nail salon, pastry chef, gown supplier, DJ, announcement and invitation printer, travel agent for their honeymoon, florist, jeweler, limo service, tuxedo, personalized wedding souvenirs, shoes, band, carriage service, financial planner, family lawyer, real estate agent to find their new home, insurance agent for their new home and cars, dress maker, massage therapist, day spa, launderer, alteration specialist, gown preservationist, make up specialist, gifts for the Bride’s maids
Dear Tidbits Readers: Tidbits - Denver Metro Area can now place your display or classified ad in over 300 papers across the country! Papers such as: American Classifieds; Penny Saver; Thrifty Nickel; and other Tidbit publications throughout the USA. There is no need to contact each paper individually to place an ad.
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and Groom’s men – and SO MUCH MORE! The future couple and their families and friends are scouring newspapers, such as Tidbits, to find these all important components for the upcoming wedding. 2.5 millions weddings take place in the US each year. The wedding industry accounts for $72 BILLION in sales each year in the US alone. The average wedding budget in the US is $22,000; and growing! The economy may be down compared to recent years, but couples and their parents are still spending money on this important day. That’s why it’s important for business owners to keep their company on the minds of their prospective clients. By advertising, businesses increase the likelihood of earning some of those wedding dollars. In order to help those businesses and the happy couple looking for quality vendors, Tidbits – Denver Metro Area, will be starting a new section for wedding vendors to advertise. WeddingBits will not only have advertising, but it will feature an article each week. The articles will vary, but will generally be about how to have a healthy marriage – and with divorce rates so high; we could all use advice on how to keep our marriage or significant relationship healthy and fresh! This section is ideal for people planning weddings to meet quality wedding vendors they know they can trust. And wedding vendors know that their ad will be seen in Tidbits – Denver Metro Area over 2 MILLION times each year. This is what Tidbits does – connecting people who wish to purchase
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February 16, 2009
something with people who have items and services to sell – in a POSITIVE paper. Here are a few more “Tidbits” about weddings – • The wedding industry is considered a true “recession-proof” industry. • During the engagement period, couples buy $4 billion in furniture, $3 billion in house wares and $400 million in tableware. • $19 billion is spent buying presents at wedding gift registries. • The average amount spent on a bridal gown is $800. • One Third of engaged couples retain a wedding consultant. • 99% of couples take a honeymoon. • Couples spend an average of $4,000 on their honeymoon – that’s three times as much as the average US adult spends on a vacation! • The “pass along” readership of bridal print media is 8 – 10 people! • A happily married couple will out-live their single friends. For more information on the upcoming Wedding Bits, contact Tidbits – Denver Metro Area at (303) 688-1987 or email: Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
February 16, 2009
WEEKLY FUNNIES Winter Temperatures
By Samantha Weaver
• It was Herb Caen, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle, who made the following sage observation: “Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.” • The oldest man in the United States is George Francis, who was born on June 6, 1896, which means he was already nearly 50 years old when D-Day occurred. In an interesting coincidence, the United Kingdom’s oldest man, Henry Allingham, is also 112 years old -- and was born on the exact same day of the exact same year. • Do you suffer from metathesiophobia? That’s the scientific appellation given to the fear of change. • In 2007, one of the justices serving on the Virginia Supreme Court ordered a plaintiff to drop her pants in court. The purpose was to look at an injury on her leg that was relevant to the case at hand; however, the order was deemed inappropriate and the offending justice was removed from the bench. • Every single day, across the globe, there are more than 200 million Internet searches conducted on Google’s search engine. • If you are like the average American man, over the course of your lifetime you will spend a grand total of five years in the simple act of shaving. No word in the record at hand of how long women spend on the same chore, taking into account the fact that the real estate they cover in their shaving duties is, generally speaking, larger than that covered by men. • If you take into account all the sales in the world, there are approximately 50 Bibles sold every minute. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: “Not every story has explosions and car chases. That’s why they have nudity and espionage.” -- Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum
Page 7
CHANGE A LIFE
• 60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Coloradans plant gardens.
Seeking adults to provide love, supervision, patience and attention for children 2 - 17 in your home.
• 50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. Coloradans wear shorts and sunbathe on their decks.
Tax FREE Reimbursement, training and support - Call Sarah (303) 302-3263
• 40 above zero: Italian & English cars won’t start. Coloradans drive with the windows down. • 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Golden gets thicker. • 20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats, etc. Coloradans throw on a flannel shirt. • 15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Coloradans have the last cookout before it really gets cold. • Zero: People in Miami all die. Denverites decide to close their bedroom window. • 5 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. Coloradans get out their winter coats if they have any. • 15 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. Coloradans let the dog sleep indoors.
Denver Area Youth Services
“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” her father asked. “Not really,” the little girl said. “Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.” The Thomas’ were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Thomas made it clear he was in a big hurry. “No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered. “No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.” “I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?” Mr. Thomas turned to his wife, Sue. “Show him your tooth, Honey.”
• 20 below zero: Santa Claus abandons At the company water cooler, the office the North Pole. Denverites get upset braggart was boring his fellow workers as because they can’t start the Mini-Van. usual. His chosen topic of the day was Two small boys were overheard talking at about his children’s world travels: One son the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s was teaching in Bolivia, another working yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” re- in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone plied the second. “My Daddy’s an accoun- that his daughter was working on a year’s tant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” research project in India. “What is it about asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a you,” a co-worker finally asked, “that makes lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy. “No, just the your kids want to get as far away as posregular kind,” replied Tommy. sible?” “Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news,” the A Sunday school teacher asked her class, doctor told his anxious patient. “You only “What do you think the ‘land flowing with milk have six months to live.” The man sat in and honey’ will be like?” Little Susie raised stunned silence for the next several minutes. her hand, stood, and said, “Sticky!” Regaining his composure, he apologetically Mom was telling her friend how she gets told his physician that he had no medical her son out of bed in the morning. “It’s really insurance. “I can’t possibly pay you in that easy. I just open his door and toss the cat on time.” “Okay,” the doctor said, “let’s make it his bed. He sleeps with his dog.” nine months.” A politician was outraged at remarks which had been made about him in the local paper and shouted, “You are printing lies about me, and you know it!” “Relax,” the editor said calmly, “What on God’s green earth would you do if we told the truth about you?”
WEEKLY ANSWERS
Dog Of The Week
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Cat Of The Week
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Page 8
Laugh Lines! Historic “Hollywood Squares” Responses...
• Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. • Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. • Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. • Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. • Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. • Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area • Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. • Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. • Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. • Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, I’m always safe in the bedroom. • Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. • Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. • Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? • Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. • Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
February 16, 2009
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