Denver Metro Area March 23, 2009
Issue #1080
Published by Mountain View Publishing, LLC
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THE ABCs OF TODAY’S TVs by John Woodson
In this day and age, brand names and options are plentiful when you’re planning to buy a new television. Would you prefer standard-definition or high-definition? LCD or plasma? 720 or 1080? HDMI or DVI? Read on for a crash course in what we like to call TV2K9.
• When buying a TV, the first consideration is to identify its intended use. If you spend most of your time watching 1960s sitcoms, you’ll have little use for the newest technology. A wide-screen model with surround sound just isn’t going to make Gilligan’s Island look or sound any better than it does on a regular old TV. If you’re a media junkie who likes to enjoy Blu-Ray discs in high definition, however, it’s important to know which equipment will best suit your needs, your desires, and your wallet. • Many television networks have expanded their broadcast from a 4×3 aspect ratio to a wider 16×9 format, but for the most part, only high-definition shows recorded over the last couple of years were shot in this format. Still, wide-screen is the way to go. More networks will adopt this format over
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Page 2 THE ABCs of TODAY’S TVs (continued)
the next few years. What’s more, if you enjoy watching post-1950 feature films, the wide-screen format more closely matches what you would see in a cinema. • When comparing resolutions like 480p and 1080i, consider the number first, and then the letter. A higher number means that more scan lines are used to create the picture, so higher is better. 480 represents standard definition signals (like the TVs of 20 years ago), while 720 and 1080 modes are used for high-definition, widescreen broadcasts. And the letters following the numbers? The p stands for progressivescan, which provides a better image than those marked i (noninterlaced). If the term “progressive scan” sounds familiar, it’s probably because the technology has long been employed in DVD players to improve the visual quality. • A 1080p television is considered top-of-the line, followed by 1080i, 720p, and 720i. High-definition TVs are compatible with lower-mode signals, too. So while a 1080i TV won’t play in higher-quality 1080p, it will be able to show 720 or 480 programming. (For the record, all HDTVs can also show standard-definition programs.) • What does this mean to you? Well, if you’re buying a smaller TV or have poor eyesight, it’s quite possible that the only difference you’ll notice between a 1080p TV and a 720p model is in the price tag. You’ll pay a premium for the higher-resolution sets. Of course, if you’re really serious about “home cinema,” a 1080p set will likely serve you longer before video technology outpaces it. • Today’s flat-screen TVs are either plasma models or LCD models. In a nutshell, most critics claim that plasma TVs offer a brighter, better-quality image, while LCD TVs tend to last longer. This may be an important consideration: While older, picture-tube television sets could be left on 24/7 for decades without damage, newer plasma and LCD sets have a much shorter “active” life. • After a period of time (perhaps thousands or tens of thousands of hours of watching), the picture quality of an LCD or plasma TV will become duller and darker, and the set itself will eventually fail. As a result, even though newer sets are much more energyefficient than their older counterparts, it’s best to turn the unit off unless you’re actively watching it. Do you watch TV during dinner? Or do you just listen to it? Try the radio instead. The two or three hours a week that you save might add an extra
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March 23, 2009
year (or even more) to the overall life span of a new TV. • What about projection TVs? They’re fine We provide you as long as you have the space. Unlike peace of mind flatscreen sets, projection televisions reWe are YOUR quire a larger footprint. But if your TV room Residential Property is spacious, you will find that you can purManagement Specialists chase a projection TV with a much larger screen for the same price as a smaller Award Winning Customer Service! LCD or plasma unit. There are a few vaAla Carte Services depending on your needs rieties of projection television units, each Renting? We’ll help you locate the perfect of which have certain benefits and drawhome... FREE! backs. One key to remember is that since Call Today! these TVs use light to project video onto Office: (303) 766--7620 the screen, they look best in darker rooms. Cell: (720) 320--7711 This is particularly true with external projectors that throw the image onto a screen located across the room. the quality of the programming you enjoy. • Most TV salespersons are honest, hardWith satellite, digital cable, and Blu-Ray working people, but there are exceptions. discs, the preferred input is called HDMI. It Some – but not all – use questionable tacprovides the best quality, and also has the tics to move their stock. A good retailer will benefit of carrying both video and audio ask you how you plan to use the unit, and signals in a single cable, which reduces will steer you to a quality set that will meet clutter. So if your source (cable, satellite, your needs without breaking your budetc.) has an HDMI output, and your TV has get. Whatever you do, don’t allow anyone an HDMI input, that’s the best and easiest to press you into buying a larger or more route to take. complex TV than you require. A 60-inch • DVI is another digital format, identical in model sounds fab, but it’s far too large for quality to HDMI but without the audio siga smaller room. Your eyes would be more nal. (So you’ll have to use a second cable comfortable watching a smaller set, and to transmit the sound.) Composite video you’d save money as well. uses three analog RCA cables to transmit • Picture it: You find a great bargain adverthe video. This should be fine for televitised in the newspaper, and head to the sions that scan no higher than 720, but store to examine the no-name TV being again, you’ll have to use a separate audio offered. Funny, though… the picture and cable. sound of the sale model aren’t half as • On the lower end of the spectrum are Sclear as the more expensive, name-brand video and component video, both of which TV blaring nearby. To make the bargain are beginning to lose their luster. The lessset less appealing, an employee may have er quality of these connections aren’t well set the color in an unflattering way or used suited for today’s sharper, clearer TV sets. a lower-quality input setting. You’ve made And finally, don’t skimp by purchasing the up your mind to come home with a brandcheapest cables you can find, but don’t new TV, however, so you shell out an exfeel obligated to buy super-expensive tra $700 for the “better” model. Cha-ching! gold-plated ones, either. A good middle-ofYou’ve just been “taken.” the-road set of cables will provide a picture • What about inputs? Again, it depends on you’ll be happy with.
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March 23, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
1. FAMOUS QUOTATIONS: Who once said, “My way of joking is to tell the truth, It’s the funniest joke in the world.”
Page 3
• On March 29, 1806, the Great National Pike, also known as the Cumberland Road, becomes the first highway funded by the national treasury. The initial appropriation of $30,000 was made by congressional act and covered the first leg from Cumberland, Md., through the Appalachian Mountains to Wheeling in western Virginia on the Ohio River.
2. MOVIES: Which award-winning actress starred in “Auntie Mame”? 3. TELEVISION: In which television sitcom did the character Reverend Jim appear? 4. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What is the common birthstone associated with the month of February? 5. HISTORY: Which two early American cities were linked by the Natchez Trace route?
• On March 28, 1915, the first American is killed in the eight-monthold European conflict that would become known as the First World War. Leon Thrasher, a 31-yearold mining engineer and native of Massachusetts, drowned when a German submarine torpedoed the cargo-passenger ship Falaba, on its way from Liverpool to West Africa, off the coast of England.
6. MYTHOLOGY: What were the Hesperides? 7. GEOGRAPHY: What body of water lies to the east of North Korea and South Korea? 8. GAMES: What equipment is used in the game of curling? 9. AD SLOGANS: What product is advertised with the slogan, “The quicker picker-upper.”
• On March 25, 1933, President Herbert Hoover accepts the newly commissioned USS Sequoia as the official presidential yacht. Before it was commissioned as the presidential yacht, the Department of Commerce used the Sequoia as a decoy to catch Prohibition lawbreakers.
10. PHOBIAS: What kind of fear is represented by syngenesophobia
Answers 1. George Bernard Shaw 2. Rosalind Russell 3. “Taxi” 4. Amethyst 5. Nashville, Tenn. and Natchez, Miss. 6. Greek nymphs of the evening 7. Sea of Japan 8. Special stones, handles and brooms 9. Bounty paper towels 10. A fear of relatives
• On March 24, 1958, Elvis Presley is inducted into the U.S. Army. Although he had been drafted the previous December, the Army granted him a deferral so he could finish shooting the film “King Creole.” • On March 27, 1964, the strongest earthquake in U.S. history, measuring 8.4 on the Richter scale, slams southern Alaska, creating a deadly tsunami. Some 125 people were killed and thousands injured. The tidal wave, which measured over 100 feet at points, devastated towns along the Gulf of Alaska and caused carnage in British Columbia, Canada; Hawaii; and the West Coast of the United States.
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Quips & Quotes “I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for - getting paid for doing what you love.” — Tiger Woods The world cannot be governed without juggling. — Edgar Bergen Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then. — John Wooden
• On March 26, 1970, the classic documentary “Woodstock,” showing the August 1969 concert that drew half a million people to a dairy farm in New York, premieres. The film won an Oscar for Best Documentary. • On March 23, 1999, author Thomas Harris delivers his 600-page manuscript for his new novel, “Hannibal,” to Delacorte press. He had promised the follow-up to “The Silence of the Lambs” more than 10 years earlier as part of a two-book contract that paid him a $5.2 million advance. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 4
WeddingBits
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Personal Boundaries and Healthy Relationships By Dr. Niell Niell A lot of difficulties and stresses in marriage and other relationships arise from underdeveloped personal boundaries. But to understand this, we need to make sure we’re on the same page as to the meaning of the term “boundaries.” Some confuse “putting up a wall” with “maintaining good personal boundaries.” A wall is a solid structure that keeps you inside and keeps everyone else out. I’m sure you’ve seen it happen that a family member will hear nothing you have to say and will reveal nothing of their thoughts or feelings to you. They “put up a wall.” Have you ever been there yourself? Personal boundaries are not walls. Think back to high school biology when you learned about cells and semi-permeable membranes. The semi-permeable membrane around a living cell is the cell’s way of allowing nutrients to enter and waste to exit. In other words, the cell uses its semipermeable membrane to allow in only what it wants to let in. Furthermore, it allows only certain things to move out, but keeps everything else safe inside. Your personal boundaries work just like the cell membrane. If your boundaries are functioning effectively, you allow in only what you choose to allow in, and you allow out only what you choose to allow out. And you do it with relative ease; you don’t have to focus on rules or protocol. How good are your boundaries when it comes to keeping out what you don’t want to let into your space? Are you able to decline someone’s request for help when you know that helping him or her at this time would compromise your other responsibilities and your self-care? Can you decline a request with grace and without guilt? Do you stay in charge of yourself, or do you end up feeling like a doormat? If you often feel used by others, it may indicate weak boundaries in terms of keeping out unwanted intrusions. In sum, if your boundaries are serving you well, you are in control of preventing unwanted intrusions into your mental/emotional/spiritual space. You are also in control of just how much of yourself you will expose in each interpersonal situation. Your personal boundaries should be effective, easy and fluid, no matter what the situation. Are yours up to standard or do they need some fine-tuning? Or a major overhaul? Healthy boundaries make for a more peaceful, easier flow of life. If you would like more information about enhancing your marriage, come to a Healthy Marriage Project seminar, or visit healthy-marriage.org
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 5
Caroline’s Interior Consignments RED DOT SALE!
Events MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metrowide will receive free microchips! Visit www. ChipYourCat.com for details. Cinco de Mayo Celebrate Culture Festival - May 9, 2009 - May 10, 2009, Saturday and Sunday 10:00 am - 8:00 pm, Civic Center Park, Denver. FREE. Spice up your weekend and head to Civic Center Park for the largest Cinco de Mayo celebration in the United States! Mexican culture fills the park with arts and crafts , strolling Mariachi bands, colorfully costumed Aztec dancers, several stages featuring traditional and contemporary Latino entertainment and a variety of Mexican culinary delights! www.CincoDeMayoDenver.com 6th Annual Weekend of Jazz: March 26 March 28, 2009: The Broadmoor, Colorado Springs. Grammy Award winning guitarist, Earl Klugh, annually invites jazz and music enthusiasts to a unique, luxurious getaway at the Five Star, Five Diamond Broadmoor Resort. Patti Austin, Spyro Gyra, Jesse, J, Bob James, R ‘n’ R (Rick Braun and Richard Elliot), and more. Tickets now on sale! www. WeekendOfJazz.com 3rd Annual RootsFest - Formerly Known as the Denver Folk and Roots Music Festival: March 28, 2009; Ellie Caulkins Opera House, 1477 Columbine St, Denver. $55 - $125. Saturday 6:00 pm. Headlining - Bluegrass legends Hot Rize, multi-Grammy winner singer/ songwriter Shawn Colvin, and acclaimed guitar virtuoso Leo Kottke. www.SwallowHillMusic.org Bikers Against Diabetes: May 17, 2009; Fraternal Order of Eagles, 1151 S Galena St, Denver. $20 Single/$10 Passenger (includes Lunch) Benefits Children’s Hospital Diabetes Research. www.EagleRiders3224.com or call (303) 695-0673. Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm. Saturdy 9:00 am 11:00 pm. Sunday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm. www. ParkerOnLine.org Jazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass Village Resort, Snowmass Colorado. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE! Show Times To Be Announced. Music, Food, Friends and Fun. The festival will showcase multiple performances featuring this year’s brilliant group of JAS Academy artists at a variety of clubs. www.SnowmassVillage.com Coolest Car Show: July 4, 2009; 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. Downtown Estes Park, between West Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FOR JUST $10! Proceeds benefit the Estes Park Museum. The Coolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of the cars is encouraged! Information and to register your car: www.EstesParkcvb.com
Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions. com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free day: First Friday of each month, 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Sun Apr 19, Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www. mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov
Sports
Colorado Avalanche - NHL Avalanche hosts Ducks: Wed Mar 25, 7:00 pm Avalanche hosts Canucks: Fri Mar 27, 7:00 pm Ducks host Avalanche: Sun Mar 29, 6:00 pm Avalanche hosts Coyotes: Wed Apr 1, 7:00 pm Canucks host Avalanche: Sun Apr 5, 8:00 pm Sharks host Avalanche: Tue Apr 7, 8:30 pm Avalanche hosts Stars: Thu Apr 9, 7:00 pm Avalanche hosts Canucks: Sat Apr 11, 1:00 pm Avalanche hosts Blues: Sun Apr 12, 3:00 pm Denver Nuggets - NBA Phoenix hosts Nuggets: Mon Mar 23, 8:00 pm New Orleans hosts Nuggets: Wed Mar 25, 6pm Dallas hosts Nuggets: Fri Mar 27, 6:30 pm Nuggets host Golden State: Sat Mar 28, 7 pm Nuggets host New York: Tue Mar 31, 7:00 pm Nuggets host Utah: Thu Apr 2, 8:30 pm Nuggets host Clippers: Sat Apr 4, 7:00 pm Minnesota hosts Nuggets: Sun Apr 5, 5:00 pm Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League Philadelphia hosts Mamm.: Sat Mar 28, 5:30pm Mammoth host Rochester: Fri Apr 3, 7:00 pm Portland hosts Mammoth: Sat Apr 4, 8:30 pm Colorado Rockies - Major League Baseball SPRING TRAINING Rockies host Milwaukee: Mon Mar 23, 2:10 pm Cubs host Rockies: Tue Mar 24, 2:05 pm Angels host Rockies: Wed Mar 25, 2:05 pm Rockies host Dodgers: Thu Mar 26, 2:10 pm Seattle hosts Rockies: Fri Mar 27, 2:05 pm Rockies host Cubs: Sat Mar 28, 2:10 pm Oakland hosts Rockies: Sun Mar 29, 2:05 pm Rockies host Arizona: Mon Mar 30, 2:10 pm White Socks host Rockies: Tue Mar 31, 2:05pm Kansas City hosts Rockies: Wed Apr 1, 2:05pm Arizona hosts Rockies: Thu Apr 2, 1:05 pm Seattle hosts Rockies: Fri Apr 3, 8:05 pm Rockies host Seattle: Sat Apr 4, 1:10 pm SEASON OPENER Arizona hosts Rockies Mon Apr 6, 1:40 pm, Tue Apr 7, 7:40 pm and Wed Apr 8 1:40 pm
Tuesday - Friday 10:00 am - 6:00 pm Saturday 10:00 am - 5:00 pm Sunday 1:00 pm - 5:00 pm Closed Monday and legal holidays 10890 E Dartmouth Ave Ste D, Denver (between Havana and Parker) (303) 337-8181
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Gift Buying? Consider Antiques When looking for that perfect gift for yourself or someone special, don’t forget to think outside of the box – or better yet – think outside of time. Some of the best gifts are ones that are not necessarily the most expensive, but the ones that have the most thought behind them. If you are having a hard time thinking of what to give your co-worker, loved one, family member or the neighbor with a new baby; try antiquing. “Antiques are valuable, not just in price, but in sentiment,” says Gere A. Leyden, antiques appraiser and owner of Heirlooms Antique Mall. “There is a reason we associate antiques with a higher value. There is a reason why we have held on to an item long enough for it to be called an antique. That reason is the thought we hold with it and its superior craftsmanship.”
have a variety of items for our customers H e i r l o o m s to enjoy.” Antique Mall is Purchasing an antique is also the ultimate sure to have something for in recycling! everyone. With “Our society has become disposable,” says various vendors Ms. Leyden. “Buying and selling antiques that specialize in helps keep items in use and helps us different genres, appreciate the find workmanship of artisans this eclectic from the past.” Take for example a rocking mall provides chair. A rocking chair purchased from a Big entertaining shopping and a learning Box store might last a few years before it experience. Knowledgeable staff is falls apart and we send it to the landfill. If, on hand to answer questions and Ms. however, we purchase an antique rocking Leyden provides appraisal services by chair, made with skill and care and not appointment. massed-produced, we not only get a quality piece of furniture, but we also get a rich If you have an antique you would like to history of those that owned it previously. know more about, including its value, Ms. We can then impart our own story into that Leyden can research the item for you and tell rocking chair that future generations can you more about your piece and determine the value, for resale or insurance. benefit from. Shopping for antiques can also be a fun Antiquing can be fun, educational, “Green” way to spend time with friends or family. and best of all, can keep us in touch with You can make a game out of trying to find our history.
No matter what it is that you hold dear to the best preserved copy of your favorite you, you can usually find it in an antique novel at each antique store you visit. Or try to complete your collection of National shop such as Heirlooms Antique Mall. Geographic Magazines! Perhaps you know “We have many interesting and unique someone who collects spoons. Antique items,” states Ms. Leyden. “Books, dolls, stores can provide you and your friend jewelry, tools, silver, china, furniture of all myriad spoons to look through and to sizes, types and styles, even rusty cans. expand your collection beyond the typical Anything can be collected so we try to tourist offerings.
Dear Tidbits Readers: Tidbits - Denver Metro Area can now place your display or classified ad in over 300 papers across the country! Papers such as: American Classifieds; Penny Saver; Thrifty Nickel; and other Tidbit publications throughout the USA. There is no need to contact each paper individually to place an ad. PRIVATE PARTY ADS - start at $12.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. B U S I N E S S / COMMERCIAL ADS - start at $18.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. Email us at Classifieds@ TidbitsOfDenver.com or call us at (303) 688-1987 to place your ad today
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Each antique has a story to tell – wouldn’t it be a shame if you never heard it?
Heirlooms Antique Mall is located at 1947 S Havana in Aurora. It is open Monday – Thursday and Saturday 10:00 am – 6: pm. Friday 12:00 pm – 6:00 pm and Sundays 11:00 am – 5:00 pm. For appraisals or questions, please contact Ms. Leyden at (303) 337-6880.
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COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
March 23, 2009
WEEKLY FUNNIES
By Samantha Weaver
• It was American cartoonist, humorist and journalist Kin Hubbard who made the following sage observation: “It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he adores the flag.” • It requires 30 tons of ore from a gold mine to produce a single new gold ring. • You are almost certainly aware of the fact that the Impressionist painter Claude Monet is famous for his paintings of water lilies. However, you may not be aware of the fact that he painted more than 300 pictures of water lilies. The same water lilies, in fact -- and they can still be seen today in a pond behind his house. • Medical experts say that men are twice as likely to get leprosy as women are. • At 17,700 feet, the world’s highest battlefield is in the disputed region of Kashmir, between India and Pakistan. It seems the altitude is more dangerous than the actual fighting, though; more soldiers have died from frostbite, avalanches and other such hazards than have been killed by the opposing forces. • Chicago gangster Bugsy Moran got an early start in crime; he committed 26 robberies while he was still a teenager. • Inexplicably, in Florence, Italy, in the 15th century, it was illegal for women to wear buttons. • The first telephone book ever issued was published by the New Haven District Telephone Company and was distributed in New Haven, Conn., in February of 1878. It contained a grand total of 50 names. • In the Scandinavian country of Norway you can find 1,800 lakes that contain no fish whatsoever. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: Thought for the Day: “Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.” -- Doug Larson
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”
Page 7
CHANGE A LIFE
Seeking adults to provide love, supervision, patience and attention for children 2 - 17 in your home.
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For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!” ”I suppose,” the husband responded dryly, “we could clean the house.” This redneck is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. “You got any I.D.?” the patrolman asked. “Bout what?” the redneck replied.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the Two paramedics were dispatched to check front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian on a 92-year-old man who had become dis- dog. The children fell to discussing the dog’s oriented. They decided to take him to the duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” hospital for evaluation. En route, with siren said one youngster. “No,” said another, ““he’s going, they questioned the man to determine just for good luck.” A third child brought the his level of awareness. Leaning close, one argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” asked, “Sir, do you know what we’re doing she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.” right now?” The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. “Oh,” he replied, “I’d say about 50, maybe 55.” Patient: It isn’t possible that I’m as overweight as you say I am. Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you’re about 10 inches too short. Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?” “Two days ago.” “Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?” “At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.” “No, I mean what’s he taking in college?” “He’s taking every penny I make.” “Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?” “He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.” “Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?” “Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him.”
WEEKLY ANSWERS
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Page 8
Laugh Lines! Advice From Men To Women
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. • Foreign films are best left to foreigners. • Check your oil. • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. • No, it does not matter which quiz. • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. • If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. • Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. • Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out. • You can either ask us to do something
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area OR tell us how you want it done-not both. • Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. • Women wearing Wonderbras and lowcut blouses lose their right to complain about having their bosoms stared at. • Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you. • The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. • ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. • Pumpkin is also a fruit. • If it itches, it will be scratched. • If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/ attic/basement. • We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. • If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
March 23, 2009
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