Denver Metro Area March 30, 2009
Issue #1081
Published by Mountain View Publishing, LLC
Front Page Classifieds
QUEEN PILLOWTOP MICROFIBER SOFA & Mattress Set. Brand new LOVESEAT in plastic. Sell $155. Can Brand New! Stain Resistant Lifedeliver 303-758-1312 time Warranty. List $1500 - sell: $250 NEW KING 3 PC PILLOWTOP
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NEW Temperpedic type memory foam mattress
Mattress/Foundation w/ Special microbial cover w/ warranty. Delivery Avail. warranty. Contours for a better night’s sleep. Retail $2000. Call 303-758-1312 Asking $599. Can deliver. Pottery Barn Style 100% 303-758-1312 Please call. Leather Sofa & Loveseat 100% Leather Sofa Brand New. Very nice. Value over $5,500 must sell only $1550. Solid hardwood construction frame with lifetime warranty. Can separate, also has chair and ottoman avail. Can Deliver. 303-758-1312.
New - never used. In original plastic w/ warranty Sell $395. Delivery Avail. 303-758-1312
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TIDBITS® BLOSSOMS THIS SPRING WITH
EASTER TRIVIA by Sarah Bates
Modern Easter is a blending of multiple cultures and religions, with roots dating back several millennia! This Spring, Tidbits celebrates some fun facts you might not have known about Easter, spring, chickens, eggs – and yes, even that big, ol’ Easter Bunny.
• Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Actually, it was neither. Modern ducks and geese appeared in China 6,000 years before chickens appeared in India. • Easter Sunday is the 1st Sunday after a Paschal full moon, which is the first full moon after the Spring equinox and is specifically used to determine the date of Easter. Paschal comes from the Greek pascha, which comes from the Hebrew pesach, both of which mean Passover. • Some theorize that the word Easter comes from the early church, which celebrated hebdomada alba, or “white week” (because of the white baptismal garments at Easter.) The plural of the word white was later misunderstood as the plural for the word dawn, which was translated into Old High German as eostarum, and later became Easter in English.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 2 EASTER TRIVIA (continued)
• Another theory, that of Benedictine monk Bede, suggested that the word ‘easter’ comes from the Old English word Eostre, which dates as far back as the 8th century. • Eostre, Eastre, Ostara, Eostur, etc. all refer to the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring, who was celebrated at the spring Equinox. The name probably derives from the word and direction East, which suggests that she might have also been the goddess of dawn. • On Western calendars, Easter always falls on a Sunday within a 35-day period between March 22nd and April 25th. • An old wives’ tale says that burying an egg in the garden will protect against lightning, hail and weevils. • Red eggs are used in Eastern Christianity to symbolize the blood of Christ. Tradition says Mary Magdalene visited Tiberius of Rome to tell him Christ had risen – and to symbolize this, she gave him an egg. Tiberius replied that Christ had no more risen than the egg was red – and, according to tradition, the egg immediately turned red in testimony. • One of the earliest references to the celebration of the Christian Easter was in the mid-second century. Even then, it was listed as an already well-established holiday. • In Eastern Christianity, dairy products are prohibited during Lent. Eggs are considered a part of this food group, so another symbol of the use of eggs at Easter is the return of eggs to the daily diet of Easter Christians. • The Spanish dish hornazo is traditionally eaten on or around Easter and contains hard-boiled eggs as a main ingredient. • In ancient times, the cross was a symbol of the four elements or directions. Crosses that run diagonally, like an X, are called a saltire. • The Easter Egg Roll (not the food) is an annual White House tradition that dates back to President Rutherford B. Hayes, when he opened the White House Lawn to Easter egg rolling in 1878. • The cracking together of two Easter eggs is said to symbolize the cracking of the tomb in the resurrection of Christ. • Modern egg decorating is said to have originated from ancient Persia and the festival Nowruz, which celebrates the spring equinox. One Nowruz tradition involves the painting of eggs. This holiday also marks the first day of the Iranian New Year. • One fun Easter game is the tapping of eggs. Players take turns tapping their eggs against the egg of another player. The last
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March 30, 2009
player with an intact egg wins. • In some cultures, colored eggs are said to represent the return of spring because We provide you their bright colors represent the sun or peace of mind the Northern lights. We are YOUR • In some parts of the world, it is customResidential Property ary to prepare baked goods in the shape of a lamb at Easter. The lamb is both an Management Specialists ancient pagan and a Christian symbol Award Winning Customer Service! for spring and Easter. It represents the Ala Carte Services depending on your needs newness of life and spring, and it also Renting? We’ll help you locate the perfect represents the “Lamb of God.” home... FREE! • The century egg is a Chinese delicaCall Today! cy. While they aren’t literally one hunOffice: (303) 766--7620 dred years old, the eggs are cured and Cell: (720) 320--7711 preserved over the course of several weeks. • The Easter bunny, or Oschter Haws, first been a symbol of rebirth for numerous relicame to America on the lips of German gions. The egg represents birth, while rabimmigrants in the 18th century. bits, with their large litters in early Spring, • The use of a symbolize propensity and fertility – and bunny or rabbit both are representative of the growth of as a symbol of spring. Easter is said • As for the origins of Easter baskets, one to have origitheory suggests they trace back to early nated in Gercelebrations of the Christian church. After many around Lent there was a great feast. Foods would the 1500s. be brought to the temple in large baskets, • You can’t think hence the giving of treats in baskets on of an egg withEaster. out Fabergé • The lining of Easter baskets with grass is eggs coming said to have originated with the Pennsylto mind. A true vania Dutch children waiting for Ostcher fabergé egg is one of the sixty-nine jewHaws. Because he would lay his eggs in eled eggs created by Carl Fabergé and a “rabbit’s nest”, these children would set his assistants around the turn of the 20th out their caps or bonnets and line them century. with grass for him. • Fabergé presented fifty of the eggs to Tsar Alexander III and Nicholas II of GET IT ‘N‛ Go Russia. Alexander III commissioned the first egg for his wife, Maria Fyodorovna, A Team with over 10 years Experience grandmother of “Princess” Anastasia. Deliveries / Moves / Shuffles • Only sixty-one of the original fabergé Loading and Unloading eggs have survived to present day. Fast & Friendly • Early Christians celebrated Easter on More Info Please Call the 14th day of Nisan, which was the day 720-447-5862 of preparation for Passover. GetItNGo@Live.com • The egg, along with rabbits, has long
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
1. LANGUAGE: What does the Greek prefix “chrono” mean?
Page 3
• On April 3, 1776, because it lacked sufficient funds to build a strong navy, the Continental Congress gives privateers permission to attack any and all British ships, except for those vessels bringing arms and ammunition or people who intended to settle in the Colonies.
2. PHILOSOPHY: What was the nationality of the physician and philosopher Avicenna, who greatly influenced medieval thought? 3. LITERATURE: Which Southern author wrote “The Optimist’s Daughter”? 4. SCIENCE: Who developed the Uncertainty Principle in quantum physics?
• On April 1, 1924, Nazi Party leader Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years in prison for treason for leading the Nazis’ unsuccessful “Beer Hall Putsch.” Sent to Landsberg jail, he spent his time dictating his autobiography, “Mein Kampf,” and was released after nine months.
5. ASTRONOMY: How many days does it take for the planet Mercury to orbit the Sun? 6. CARTOONS: What was the first name of the nearsighted Mr. Magoo?
• On April 31, 1930, the Motion Picture Producers and Distributors of America formally adopt the Production Code, which imposed strict guidelines on the portrayal of illegal drug trafficking, profanity, the portrayal of clergy members as comic characters or villains, and the portrayal of interracial relationships.
7. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What does a misologist oppose? 8. PUBLISHING: In what year did the magazine National Lampoon launch? 9. GEOGRAPHY: What was the Spanish Main? 10. MOVIES: Which silent movie actress was known as “The Vamp”? Answers 1. Time 2. Persian 3. Eudora Welty 4. Werner Heisenberg 5. 88 days 6. Quincy 7. Reason or enlightenment 8. 1970 9. The Caribbean Sea, islands and surrounding coastline of the North, Central and South Americas 10. Theda Bara
• On April 30, 1947, Preston Tucker announces his concept for a new automobile to be named the “Tucker.” His plans called for a rearmounted engine as powerful as an aircraft motor, a stationary “cyclops” headlight and a steering wheel placed in the center of the car. • On April 5, 1951, at the end of a highly publicized espionage case, death sentences are imposed against Julius and Ethel Rosenberg after they were found guilty of conspiring to transmit atomic secrets to the Soviet Union. The only incriminating evidence came from a confessed spy who was given a reduced sentence to testify against them.
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Quips & Quotes An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise. — Red Auerbach I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy. — Red Skelton If you think it’s expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. — Red Adairr
• On April 4, 1969, the most popular show on TV, “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour,” is canceled by CBS because the brothers failed to submit an episode to network executives before its broadcast. Among other controversial content in the show, the network executives objected to antiwar guests, including Pete Seeger, who sang a Vietnam protest song on the air. • On April 2, 1987, the United States government allows individual states to increase the speed limit on rural roads from 55 mph to 65 mph. Since 1973, when President Richard Nixon set a federal maximum speed limit of 55 mph, no cars were allowed to exceed this speed. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 4
WeddingBits
March 30, 2009
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Adapted from twoofus.org (Part 1 of 2) Many of us want our partners to be perfect; it’s the stuff that dreams are made of. At first, it seems as if everything is just right, then reality sets in. You realize your partner is not flawless, and you want to change some things about them. It isn’t easy to change. You may think you’re just the right influence to change your partner, and it may be possible, but it is rare. Good habits like eating well, exercising, cleaning, visiting grandma, and volunteering may rub off on your partner and become activities you enjoy together, but progressing in a relationship with the expectation that your partner will change can be dangerous. There are many stages involved in making changes. Changing a behavior or habit takes time, consistency, and recognition. People can promise to change, and some are even able to change for a short time, but real change takes effort. You have to be committed to changing for yourself because it’s difficult to do it for someone else. Tackling Change One of the biggest challenges for couples is learning to live with your partner’s annoying habits. This person may be the love of your life, but they’re also human. Before you try to change your partner, ask yourself why you want them to change. Remember that your way isn’t always the right way and try to identify what is really bothering you. Is it that you just can’t stand it when the mail piles up, or is it your partner’s job to manage the household finances and you feel that not opening the mail is neglecting his/her family responsibilities? When you sit down to talk with your partner, you may have more success if your request benefits them (stop smoking) or improves the life of your family (curb unnecessary spending) rather than saves you from future annoyances over things like nagging or replacing the toilet paper. So take the time to think about why you want to see this change happen. Can You Really Change a Person? Any change in your lifestyle, from something as simple as putting clothes in the hamper to something as challenging as losing weight, requires you to want to change for yourself. It doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you if he or she cannot make what you consider a “simple” change. Remember that compromise and negotiation are important skills for couples. You need to be able to talk about why the change is important to each of you. You may need to agree on steps to take toward change or develop a plan where each partner is committed to making a change happen in the relationship. Model the willingness to change. Talk to your partner about what you do that bothers him/ her, and commit to making that change yourself. If you show a willingness to invest in your relationship by changing the way you do something, your partner may do the same. Read Part 2 in Next week’s WeddingBits!
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 5
Caroline’s Interior Consignments RED DOT SALE!
Events
MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details. Cinco de Mayo Celebrate Culture Festival - May 9, 2009 - May 10, 2009, Saturday and Sunday 10:00 am - 8:00 pm, Civic Center Park, Denver. FREE. Spice up your weekend and head to Civic Center Park for the largest Cinco de Mayo celebration in the United States! Mexican culture fills the park with arts and crafts , strolling Mariachi bands, colorfully costumed Aztec dancers, several stages featuring traditional and contemporary Latino entertainment and a variety of Mexican culinary delights! www. CincoDeMayoDenver.com Bikers Against Diabetes: May 17, 2009; Fraternal Order of Eagles, 1151 S Galena St, Denver. $20 Single/$10 Passenger (includes Lunch) Benefits Children’s Hospital Diabetes Research. www. EagleRiders3224.com or call (303) 6950673. Fuel-Fest: June 12, 2009, - June 14, 2009, May Farms, Byers. A bold new Western festival that merges astonishing music and family entertainment with an extraordinary marketplace of clean technologies and educational workshops. A grand new event showcasing Colorado’s national leadership in shaping a new energy future. Presented by May Farms in partnership with: The US Department of Energy’s National Renewable Energy Laboratory, Colorado Governor’s Energy Office and the Colorado Department of Agriculture. Music, workshops, market place and expo, handson interactive educational activities for kids - such as kite flying - as well as a healthy mix of barnyard fun - hayrides and a petting zoo. For More information - www.Fuel-Fest. org. Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 - June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/ Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm. Saturdy 9:00 am - 11:00 pm. Sunday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm. www.ParkerOnLine.org Jazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass Village Resort, Snowmass Colorado. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE! Show Times To Be Announced. Music, Food, Friends and Fun. The festival will showcase multiple performances featuring this year’s brilliant group of JAS Academy artists at a variety of clubs. www. SnowmassVillage.com Coolest Car Show: July 4, 2009; 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. Downtown Estes Park, between West Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FOR JUST $10! Proceeds benefit the Estes Park Museum. The Coolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of the cars is encouraged! Information and to register your car: www.EstesParkcvb.com
Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions. com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free day: First Friday of each month, 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Sun Apr 19, Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www. mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov
Sports
Colorado Avalanche - NHL Avalanche hosts Coyotes: Wed Apr 1, 7:00 pm Canucks host Avalanche: Sun Apr 5, 8:00 pm Sharks host Avalanche: Tue Apr 7, 8:30 pm Avalanche hosts Stars: Thu Apr 9, 7:00 pm Avalanche hosts Canucks: Sat Apr 11, 1:00 pm Avalanche hosts Blues: Sun Apr 12, 3:00 pm Denver Nuggets - NBA Nuggets host New York: Tue Mar 31, 7:00 pm Nuggets host Utah: Thu Apr 2, 8:30 pm Nuggets host Clippers: Sat Apr 4, 7:00 pm Minnesota hosts Nuggets: Sun Apr 5, 5:00 pm Nuggets host Oklahoma City: Wed Apr 8, 7 pm Lakers host Nuggets: Thu Apr 9, 8:30 pm Nuggets host Sacramento: Mon Apr 13, 7 pm Portland hosts Nuggets: Wed Apr 15, 8:30 pm Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League Mammoth host Rochester: Fri Apr 3, 7:00 pm Portland hosts Mammoth: Sat Apr 4, 8:30 pm Mammoth host San Jose: Sat Apr 11, 7:00 pm Mammoth host Edmonton, Fri Apr 17, 7:00 pm Colorado Rockies - Major League Baseball SPRING TRAINING Rockies host Arizona: Mon Mar 30, 2:10 pm White Socks host Rockies: Tue Mar 31, 2:05pm Kansas City hosts Rockies: Wed Apr 1, 2:05pm Arizona hosts Rockies: Thu Apr 2, 1:05 pm Seattle hosts Rockies: Fri Apr 3, 8:05 pm Rockies host Seattle: Sat Apr 4, 1:10 pm SEASON OPENER Arizona hosts Rockies Mon Apr 6, 1:40 pm, Tue Apr 7, 7:40 pm and Wed Apr 8 1:40 pm Rockies host Philadelphia: Fri Apr 9,10, 2:10 pm, Sat Apr 11, 6:10 pm and Sun Apr 12, 1:10 pm Chicago hosts Rockies: Mon Apr 13, 12:20 pm and Wed Apr 15, 12:20 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer Los Angeles hosts Rapids: Sat Apr 4, 8:30 pm Columbus hosts Rapids: Sat Apr 11, 5:30 pm Houston hosts Rapids: Sun Apr 19, 1:00 pm
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INTRODUCING
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 6
Quality Furniture – Incredible Price
Admit it – you’ve walked into model homes not with the intent of buying a new home but to dream of possibilities and get ideas to spruce up your current home: especially the furniture. Show homes seem to have wonderfully rich furniture that makes you feel good. What if I were to tell you that you could get that same furniture in your own home – for 40 – 60% LESS than what you would pay at a “quality furniture store”? I know, it sounds too good to be true; but it is true. Lynn Metzer, owner of CCH Furniture Direct, assures you that his claim is genuine. “At CCH Furniture Direct, it is our goal to provide you with personal service, quality bedding and home furnishings, and peace of mind that you are getting the best price on the products you desire.” Mr. Metzer encourages you to by-pass the over-priced stores and shop wholesale. How can CCH Furniture Direct offer you quality, name brand furniture and bedding at a fraction of the cost? Quite simple – they are not open to the general public like a regular store. STOP RIGHT THERE!
Dear Tidbits Readers: Tidbits - Denver Metro Area can now place your display or classified ad in over 300 papers across the country! Papers such as: American Classifieds; Penny Saver; Thrifty Nickel; and other Tidbit publications throughout the USA. There is no need to contact each paper individually to place an ad. PRIVATE PARTY ADS - start at $12.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. B U S I N E S S / COMMERCIAL ADS - start at $18.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. Email us at Classifieds@ TidbitsOfDenver.com or call us at (303) 688-1987 to place your ad today
Not open to the general public? Then why am I telling you about this fantastic deal? No – there are no membership fees – all you have to do is make an appointment. It’s as simple as that. By serving customers on an appointment basis, CCH Furniture Direct is able to keep overhead down and pass those cost savings on to YOU – the customer! So now you’re intrigued and would like to know what can be found at CCH Furniture Direct – you can find bedroom furniture made from a wide range of woods and metals. You will find bed frames, dressers, armoires, chest of drawers, mirrors, side tables – everything you need to dress your bedroom. CCH Furniture Direct also has a complete assortment of guest room furniture to include hide a beds and futons. And don’t forget their wide range of mattresses including Simmons Beautyrest! See the front page classified for mattress specials! And let’s not forget the Living Room. CCH offers a selection of living room sets that feature solid oak hardwood frames with lifetime warranties. You will not find any press board or corrugated paper in their fine sofas like you will at some of those national furniture chains. CCH Furniture Direct has top quality, top of the line Italian Leather sets for
Email Classifieds@TidbitsOfDenver.com
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March 30, 2009
prices unheard of. You can purchase a bedroom set by famed Michael Armini, normally priced at $23,000 for less than $8,000 – now that’s REAL SAVINGS! If you are looking for entertainment pieces, CCH Furniture Direct has what you are looking for. Dining sets? Look no further! CCH Furniture Direct has formal and informal dining sets and pieces. Make your living space reflect your personality – not your bank account! When you purchase a sofa or set, you want your investment to last. Mr. Metzer invites you to browse the CCH Furniture Direct website: www. CCHFurniture.com to familiarize yourself with all the warehouse provides you. Then, if you like what you see – and you will – call (303) 758-1312 to set your appointment.
Call (303) 688-1987
R E A L E S TAT E FOR SALE
HOUSES FOR RENT
$199/MONTH! BUY 1-4 bed Bank Foreclosures From $199/month. Hud Homes 5% down, 15 years. 8% For Listings 800-576-6921 ext 1836.
AFFORDABLE FORECLOSURE! 3BD/2BA, $201/mo! 5BD/2BA, $378/mo! (5% down, 30yrs. @ 8%) For Listing 1-800-576-6921, ext. T770
MANUFACTURED HOUSING
SENIORS COMMUNITY. New Homes For Sale for active adults. Low Downpayment/ In House Financing/0% Interest. 15% Discount for Cash. 303.288.0886 for more info.
$201/MO! 4BDR 2ba HUD! Must Sell! 5% dw, 30 yrs @ 8% For Listings 800-576-6921 ext D044. 4BD, 2BA Foreclosure. Only $238/mo! 5% Down, 15yrs @ 8%! For Listings 1-800-576-6921, ext H357 4 BED 2 Bath HUD $238/mo! 5% down, 15 years @ 8% apr! For Listings 800-576-6921 ext H357.
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March 30, 2009
WEEKLY FUNNIES
By Samantha Weaver • President Abraham Lincoln’s widow, Mary Todd Lincoln, did not attend her husband’s funeral. • It was Nobel Prize-winning French poet, journalist and novelist Anatole France who gave the following sage advice: “Never lend books -- nobody ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are those which people have lent me.” • Have you ever had your IQ tested? If not, I’m sure you’ve wondered how your intelligence would rate on that well-known scale. Famed theoretical physicist Albert Einstein had an IQ of 160. The highest recorded IQ is 210, with those brains belonging to a Korean named Kim UngYong. • There are so many Swedes and people of Swedish descent in Minnesota that the Scandinavian country created a holiday for them: Sweden celebrates Minnesota Day every Aug. 12. • There are 147,000 identified species of moth. • If you’re visiting San Luis Obispo County in California and want to check out a book at the local library, you’d better be sure to take a shower first. It’s legal there for library officials to kick out anyone who is deemed to have offensive body odor. • American bank robber Pretty Boy Floyd got his start in crime early, robbing a grocery store at the tender age of 14. • In the Eastern European country of Belarus, the names of the months can be quite descriptive. Their word for February, for example, means “angry month,” April is “beautiful month,” June is “red month,” September is “blooming month” (which seems odd, since most things bloom in the spring), October is “fires month” and November is “falling leaves month.” (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: “Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” -- Dave Barry
A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6’ tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”The blind guy thinks a moment and says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.” A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. She got to one little girl who was working diligently and asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven where they discovered the most beautiful golf course they’d ever seen. St. Peter welcomes them to play the course and he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks.One of them asks “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course. If one gets hit, he squawks, soon they’re all squawkin and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise, enjoy.” Shortly, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked “Who hit the duck?” The man admitted his guilt and immediately St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the woman. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck, and
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cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said “What have I done to deserve this?”The woman responded “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.” A father was helping one of his little twins say his evening prayers. “Bless us to be good so we can return unto Thee.”The son repeated, “Bless us to be good so we can turn on the TV.”
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Laugh Lines! Tips On Love - By Kids
What do most people do on a date? • Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, age 8 • On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -Martin, age 10 What is the right age to get married? • Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 • No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -Freddie, age 6 How can a stranger tell if two people are married? • You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 What do you think your Mom and Dad
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area have in common? • Both don’t want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 How would the world be different if people didn’t get married? • There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? -- Kelvin, age 8 What would you do on a first date that was turning sour? • I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 When is it OK to kiss someone? • The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. -Curt, age 7 • The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 Is it better to be single or married? • It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 How would you make a marriage work? • Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10 How do you decide who to marry? • You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
March 30, 2009
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