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STRAIGHT FROM TIDBITS®, IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE! by Sarah Bates
Thirty-four years and hundreds of episodes later, Saturday Night Live! is still running strong and making millions of Americans laugh every Saturday. This week Tidbits goes behind the gaffes and laughs, from the days of Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, right up to Andy Samberg and Tina Fey! • Saturday Night Live (SNL) was originally called NBC’s Saturday Night, as the name was already in use by ABC. NBC purchased the rights to the name in 1976. • SNL’s producer and creator, Lorne Michaels, is originally from Canada and was born Lorne Michael Lipowitz. • Michaels has also produced shows like Kids in the Hall and 30 Rock and such movies as Wayne’s World, Tommy Boy and Mean Girls. • Comedian Mike Meyers supposedly based his character of Dr. Evil on Lorne Michaels. There was even an SNL skit on the subject. • SNL has won 23 Emmys in its thirty-four years on the air. • Best known for his impersonation of President Clinton, Darrell Hammond sets the record for longest running cast member with 14 seasons under his belt. turn the page for more!
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Page 2 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE! (continued)
• Hammond later impersonated Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in 2007’s Epic Movie. • Except for season seven, Don Pardo has been the announcer for SNL since its debute in 1975. Though he officially retired from NBC in 2004, Pardo still flies in each week to announce the show. He is 90 years old. • Steve Martin has hosted SNL fifteen times, the most of any guest host. Paul Simon has the record as musical guest with nine appearances. • The Rolling Stones were the first band to host and appear as musical guests on an episode. • Britney Spears set a record as youngest host/musical guest when she appeared on SNL at the age of 18. • Chevy Chase was the first cast member to return and host the show in 1978. • Several of the SNL sketches have gone on to be made into films. The highest grossing of these was 1992’s Wayne’s World, which brought in $121 million. Wayne’s World first appeared in 1989, season 14. • Celebrity Jeopardy! is a famous SNL sketch running from 1996-2002. In later interviews, former cast member Norm MacDonald said he created the sketch just so he could do his impersonation of Burt Reynolds, who MacDonald said is also a fan of the sketch. • American comedian, Christopher Guest, is the only former cast member who holds a title of nobility in the United Kingdom. He is officially titled Christopher Haden-Guest, 5th Baron Haden-Guest. Guest is married to actress Jamie Lee Curtis. You might also recognize Guest as the six-fingered Count Rugen from The Princess Bride. • Tina Fey, most recently known for her spot-on impersonation of Governor Sarah Palin, was born Elizabeth Stamatina Fey. She chose to go with just Tina. • Every member of The Beatles has appeared on SNL except for John Lennon. • Gerald Ford is the only U.S. President to open the show with “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” • Former cast member Adam Sandler played Theo Huxtable’s friend Smitty on The Cosby Show back in 1987-88. • There have been several Canadians on the cast of SNL, including Mike Meyers, Dan Aykroyd, Phil Hartman, Norm Mac-
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Donald and Martin Short. • Three cast members have also gone on to host the Academy Awards: Chevy We provide you Chase, Billy Crystal and Chris Rock. peace of mind • The youngest person to host SNL was We are YOUR Drew Barrymore back in 1982 at the age Residential Property of seven. Management Specialists • Ford wasn’t the only U.S. President to cameo on SNL. President George H.W. Award Winning Customer Service! Bush made an appearance to critique Ala Carte Services depending on your needs Dana Carvey’s impersonation of him Renting? We’ll help you locate the perfect back in 1994. home... FREE! • Tina Fey’s impersonation of Sarah PaCall Today! lin on October 18, 2008 scored SaturOffice: (303) 766--7620 day Night Live! its highest ratings since Cell: (720) 320--7711 1994. • George Carlin was the very first host of SNL back in 1975. This episode also feaing lines delivered by Mayor Rudy Guiltured the Andy Kaufman Mighty Mouse iani. Despite the somber mood, everyone sketch. strove to end the opening on a lighter note. Lorne Michaels turned to Mayor Guiliani • Desi Arnaz was the first person to act as and asked, “Can we be funny?” to which host and appear as musical guest in the Guiliani responded, “Why start now?” same episode back in 1976. • John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd left the • Senator John McCain was the first sitting U.S. Senator to host SNL back in 2002. show at the same time and both appeared on their final episode together on • Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen missed their May 26, 1979. senior prom for the chance to host SNL in 2004. They are the only twins to have • There was no host for SNL the night of hosted the show. their 100th episode. • Queen gave their first and only Ameri- • British Actor Hugh Laurie hosted back in October of 2006, with special guest apcan television performance on Saturday pearance from fellow Brit, Sacha Baron Night Live! in 1982. Cohen – best known as Borat. Reports • Former cast member Dan Aykroyd has later appeared that Laurie and Cohen had two unique traits. He was born with sygone out together while in New York and dactyly, webbed toes, and heterochrointeracted with people in character, ultimia, two different colored eyes. mately ending up in an altercation when • Long before she hosted in 2002, Kirsten Cohen insulted a man as Borat. Dunst appeared as one of George H.W. Bush’s (Dana Carvey) grandchildren in a GET IT ‘N‛ Go 1988 sketch. A Team with over 10 years Experience • Richard Pryor hosted the show in 1975 Deliveries / Moves / Shuffles and was the first African-American to do Loading and Unloading so. Fast & Friendly • The first episode after the 9/11 terrorist More Info Please Call attack included a sentimental opening 720-447-5862 with music by Paul Simon and the openGetItNGo@Live.com
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1. U.S. STATES: What time zone is the state of Oklahoma in?
Page 3
• On April 12, 1861, the Civil War begins when Confederate shore batteries under General P.G.T. Beauregard open fire on Unionheld Fort Sumter in Charleston Bay in South Carolina. During the next 34 hours, 50 Confederate guns and mortars launched more than 4,000 rounds at the poorly supplied fort.
2. LANGUAGE: What day of the week was named after the Roman god Jupiter? 3. SCIENCE: What does the symbol “c” stand for in physics? 4. LITERATURE: In which Shakespearean play does the character named Bianca appear?
• On April 7, 1891, American showman P.T. Barnum dies in Bridgeport, Conn. The 81-year-old Barnum’s sense of humor never deserted him. He requested that a New York paper run his obituary before he died so he could enjoy reading it, and the paper obliged.
5. TELEVISION: Which TV drama was introduced weekly with a voiceover that described the main character as “falsely convicted for the murder of his wife.” 6. THEATER: Who wrote the play “Seascape”? 7. GAMES: What is the length of a standard tennis court?
• On April 6, 1909, American explorer Robert Peary accomplishes a long elusive dream when he and Matthew Henson reach what they determine to be the North Pole. Decades after Peary’s death, however, navigational errors in his travel log surfaced, placing the expedition in all probability a few miles short of its goal.
8. HISTORY: In what year did Yuri Gagarin become the first human to orbit the Earth? 9. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What does the Fujita Scale measure? 10. ETIQUETTE: When is it appropriate to fly the U.S. flag upside down? Answers 1. Central 2. Thursday (Dies Jovis or Jupiter) 3. Speed of light 4. Bianca is the younger sister of Katherine in “The Taming of the Shrew.” 5. “The Fugitive” 6. Edward Albee 7. 78 feet 8. 1961 9. Tornado intensity 10. When you are in distress, it is a sign for “help!”
• On April 8, 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorizes almost $5 million to implement work-relief programs. Hoping to lift the country out of the Great Depression, Congress allowed the president to use the funds at his discretion. The act was unprecedented and remains the largest system of public-assistance relief programs in the nation’s history. • On April 11, 1945, the American Third Army liberates the Buchenwald concentration camp, near Weimar, Germany, a camp that will be judged second only to Auschwitz in the horrors it imposed on its prisoners. Among those saved by the Americans was Elie Wiesel, who would go on to win the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986.
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
• On April 10, 1953, “House of Wax,” starring Vincent Price, opens at New York’s Paramount Theater. The first color three-dimensional picture, the movie had to be viewed through special glasses.
Quips & Quotes A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. — Carl Reiner Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while. — Kin Hubbard A snowflake is one of God’s most fragile creations, but look what they can do when they stick together! — Unknown
• On April 9, 1969, the Chicago Eight, indicted on federal charges of conspiracy to cross state lines with intent to incite a riot at the 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago, plead not guilty. The trial turned into a circus as the defendants and their attorneys used the court as a platform to attack President Nixon, the Vietnam War, racism and oppression. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
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Page 4
WeddingBits
April 06, 2009
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What to Do When Your Partner Won’t Change If your partner won’t change, there are a few things you can do. You can change the way you view the situation by becoming more accepting. For example, if your chronically messy partner never cleans up the house again, can you live with that? Maybe you can, especially if you recognize that your partner is comfortable with a messy house and doesn’t see it as a disrespectful action in the relationship. Some things, however, are too dangerous to be tolerated, even for a short while. You should never consider living with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, for example. If you can’t change yourself, try to change the situation. If the sight of a towel left on the fl oor of the bathroom all day drives you batty, buy a bath mat. Your partner can step onto something soft when he/ she exits the shower, and you won’t mind seeing the mat every time you go into the room. Sometimes overlooking things that annoy you can make a big difference. Rather than asking your partner to change a habit, remind yourself about the positive qualities you love in your spouse. When you see the towel left on the fl oor, instead of getting annoyed, picture the loving things your partner does for you and think these thoughts in the few seconds it takes to pick up after your partner. Learn not to “sweat the small stuff.” When you make a request for change, be sure that it is something that will really make a difference to you and the relationship. If you feel really stuck and are at an impasse over behavior you would like to see change, consider seeing a marriage therapist or taking a marriage education class. Conclusion In short, effecting change is no small task, so it may not be worth broaching the subject with your partner unless you’ve known the person a while, have their best interests at heart, and can be a supportive infl uence throughout the process. Decide what you can live with and what you can’t. Take a close look at yourself and your own habits and talk honestly with your partner about the possibility of change. Be prepared to compromise. Perhaps the fi rst steps toward change can be attending a free marriage education workshop sponsored by the Colorado Healthy Marriage Project. For more information, or a class schedule visit marry-well.org or call 720-488-8888.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 5
Caroline’s Interior Consignments RED DOT SALE!
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MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details. Cinco de Mayo Celebrate Culture Festival - May 9, 2009 - May 10, 2009, Saturday and Sunday 10:00 am - 8:00 pm, Civic Center Park, Denver. FREE. Spice up your weekend and head to Civic Center Park for the largest Cinco de Mayo celebration in the United States! Mexican culture fills the park with arts and crafts , strolling Mariachi bands, colorfully costumed Aztec dancers, several stages featuring traditional and contemporary Latino entertainment and a variety of Mexican culinary delights! www. CincoDeMayoDenver.com Bikers Against Diabetes: May 17, 2009; Fraternal Order of Eagles, 1151 S Galena St, Denver. $20 Single/$10 Passenger (includes Lunch) Benefits Children’s Hospital Diabetes Research. www.EagleRiders3224.com or call (303) 695-0673. Fuel-Fest: June 12, 2009, - June 14, 2009, May Farms, Byers. A bold new Western festival that merges astonishing music and family entertainment with an extraordinary marketplace of clean technologies and educational workshops. A grand new event showcasing Colorado’s national leadership in shaping a new energy future. Presented by May Farms in partnership with: The US Department of Energy’s National Renewable Energy Laboratory, Colorado Governor’s Energy Office and the Colorado Department of Agriculture. Music, workshops, market place and expo, handson interactive educational activities for kids - such as kite flying - as well as a healthy mix of barnyard fun - hayrides and a petting zoo. For More information - www.Fuel-Fest. org. Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 - June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/ Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm. Saturdy 9:00 am - 11:00 pm. Sunday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm. www.ParkerOnLine.org Jazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass Village Resort, Snowmass Colorado. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE! Show Times To Be Announced. Music, Food, Friends and Fun. The festival will showcase multiple performances featuring this year’s brilliant group of JAS Academy artists at a variety of clubs. www. SnowmassVillage.com Coolest Car Show: July 4, 2009; 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. Downtown Estes Park, between West Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FOR JUST $10! Proceeds benefit the Estes Park Museum. The Coolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of the cars is encouraged! Information and to register your car: www.EstesParkcvb.com
Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions. com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free day: First Friday of each month, 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Sun Apr 19, Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www. mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov
Sports
Colorado Avalanche - NHL Sharks host Avalanche: Tue Apr 7, 8:30 pm Avalanche hosts Stars: Thu Apr 9, 7:00 pm Avalanche hosts Canucks: Sat Apr 11, 1:00 pm Avalanche hosts Blues: Sun Apr 12, 3:00 pm Denver Nuggets - NBA Nuggets host Oklahoma City: Wed Apr 8, 7 pm Lakers host Nuggets: Thu Apr 9, 8:30 pm Nuggets host Sacramento: Mon Apr 13, 7 pm Portland hosts Nuggets: Wed Apr 15, 8:30 pm Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League Mammoth host San Jose: Sat Apr 11, 7:00 pm Mammoth host Edmonton: Fri Apr 17, 7:00 pm Colorado Rockies - Major League Baseball Arizona hosts Rockies Mon Apr 6, 1:40 pm, Tue Apr 7, 7:40 pm and Wed Apr 8 1:40 pm Rockies host Philadelphia: Fri Apr 9,10, 2:10 pm, Sat Apr 11, 6:10 pm and Sun Apr 12, 1:10 pm Chicago hosts Rockies: Mon Apr 13, 12:20 pm and Wed Apr 15, 12:20 pm Los Angeles hosts Rockies: Fri Apr 17, 8:10 pm, Sat Apr 18, 1:40 pm, and Sun Apr 19 2:10 pm Arizona hosts Rockies: Mon Apr 20, 7:40 pm, Tue Apr 21, 7:40 pm, and Mon Apr 22, 1:40 pm Rockies host Los Angeles: Fri Apr 24, 7:10 pm, Sat Apr 25, 6:10 pm, and Sun Apr 26, 1:10 pm Rockies host San Diego; Mon Apr 27, 6:40 pm, Tue Apr 28, 6:40 pm, and Wed Apr 29, 1:10 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer US Open Cup: Los Angeles Hosts: April 7, 9pm Columbus hosts Rapids: Sat Apr 11, 5:30 pm Houston hosts Rapids: Sun Apr 19, 1:00 pm Rapids host Los Angeles: Sat Apr 25, 7:00 pm Denver Outlaws - Major League Lacrosse Rocky Mountain Lacrosse Showdown: Sat Apr 11, 1:30 pm Outlaws host Chicago; Sat May 16, 7:00 pm Boston hosts Outlaws; Fri May 22, 5:30 pm Outlaws host Waashington; Sat May 30, 7pm
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A Beautiful Yard and Garden Are Yours
The time of year has arrived where homeowners start thinking about their lawn and garden. No matter if you have a lush, green yard, an award-winning rose garden, a field of wild flowers or watersaving xeriscaping, you need a way to efficiently deliver water to your grass, trees, and other plant life. If you’ve been holding off on putting in sprinklers, now is a great time to have Smitty’s Sprinklers come by and give you a free bid on a new system. You can visit Smitty’s Sprinklers “One Stop Sprinkler Shop” or call to schedule a time for Smitty to visit your property and help plan your new sprinkler to most efficiently meet your needs. Older systems can be upgraded to improve water efficiency and coverage, and also redesigned to suit the homeowner’s requirements. This is a great investment in your home’s value during an economic downturn. An expertly installed sprinkler system can cut down on water usage, saving you money and helping preserve the environment. The convenience is well worth the investment. Just think, there would be no more getting up early, putting on your robe, going outside, placing your aboveground sprinkler where you want it, turning on the water and get ready for work only to try to dodge the water while you move the sprinkler before you leave, and hoping your spouse or children remember to turn it off. Thousands of gallons can be wasted
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each year by watering in this manner. Some people believe a sprinkler system is not worth the time, money or maintenance involved. However, keep in mind that a sprinkler system can add a lot of value to your home. When shopping for a home in Colorado, buyers want convenience of use and a sprinkler system helps give your home the edge in an over-crowded market. We know there are many handymen and women out there who like the challenge of a Do It Yourself job, so if you would like to put in a sprinkler system yourself, Smitty’s Sprinkler Systems can help you plan and budget your project. By visiting their store in Aurora, the experienced staff can help you save water, time and money. As Smitty always says, “a water efficient irrigation system is the right solution for our arid climate.” The system should be well-thought out and planned, with the right sprinkler heads for the right coverage of all vegetation. Just bring in a schematic of your yard and we will draw up your Do-It-Yourself plan and supply all the parts to make it happen. While you work on your installation our in-store experts are always available by phone or in person to help you install the best system possible. The staff at Smitty’s can help you pick the
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April 06, 2009
right sprinkler head so your delicate flowers are not damaged and so you don’t have brown patches in your yard where it hasn’t received enough water. Smitty says, “You should also be aware of over watering. It is important to set your sprinkler system on a timer and determine the best times to water each section of your lawn and garden. Too much water could cause mold and watering at the wrong time of the day can burn your grass.” Smitty’s carries a varied range of timers to best fit your needs. In business for over 27 years, homeowners have trusted Smitty’s Sprinkler Systems to help plan and install their sprinkler systems, do repairs, start their systems in spring, and winterize them in the fall. The Smitty’s “One Stop Sprinkler Shop” is open seven days a week during sprinkler season and carries high quality parts from suppliers like RainBird, Irritrol, Hunter, and Toro. Smitty’s Sprinkler Systems is located at the SE Corner of Smoky Hill and Chambers in Aurora. (303) 690-3886. www.SmittysSprinklers.com
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
April 06, 2009
WEEKLY FUNNIES
By Samantha Weaver
• It was author Michael Pollan who made the following sage observation: “A lawn is nature under totalitarian rule.” • I bet you didn’t know there’s a word specifically used to refer to the space between your eyebrows. Yep: It’s called the “ophryon.” • It’s not clear exactly why, but the United States’ first first lady, Martha Washington, burned all the letters that President George Washington sent to her. And President Warren G. Harding’s widow, Florence Harding, burned nearly all of his papers after his death. • If you’re a runner -- and a compulsive counter -- you might already be aware of the fact that the average person’s feet hit the ground approximately 800 times per mile when running. • A man who worked as a blacksmith in a small Russian village found what he was told was a dummy cannon shell that had been used for training purposes, and he decided it would make a great anvil. Unfortunately, it turns out that the shell wasn’t a dummy after all; it exploded, killing the blacksmith -- but not until after he’d been using it for 10 years. • Those who study such things say that famed German composer Ludwig von Beethoven was a coffee drinker who was very picky about his java. Evidently, exactly 60 coffee beans had to be ground for each cup -- and he would insist on having them counted out every time. • The next time you’re tempted to whip out the plastic to make a purchase, you might want to consider this little factoid: The average American spends 20 percent to 30 percent more when using a credit card than when paying with cash. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: “The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.” -- Patrick Young
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”The little boy nodded in the affirmative. “Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”The little boy nodded yes. “So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”Again the little boy nodded.“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.” Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.” “Don’t what?” Adam replied.“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!”“No way!”“Yes WAY!”“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God. “Why?”“Because I’m your Creator and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. “Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” God asked. “Uh huh,” Adam replied. “Then why did you?” “I dunno,” Eve answered.“ She started it!” Adam said. “Did Not!” “DID so!” “DID NOT!!” Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?” After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a woman wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her nine children - all under age 11. Collecting their many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief, “Ma’am,” he said, “do all these children and this luggage belong to you?” “Yes, sir,” the mother said with a sigh. “They’re all mine. ”The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your posses-
WEEKLY ANSWERS
Page 7
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sion?” “Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now.” Two guys were talking at work. “I’ve got a problem,” said the first one. “What is it?”“My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?” “What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked. “Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.” “Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other. The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful! ”Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”
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Page 8
Laugh Lines! Rules for Dating My Daughter...
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area painting the Golden Gate Bridge. • I’m sure you’ve been told that sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
• If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance only to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
• The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
• If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
• I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
• You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. • Should you choose to wear trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. • If it bothers you that you have to wait for my daughter when you come to pick her up, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
• Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
• It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
April 06, 2009
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