Denver Metro Area April 27, 2009
Issue #1085
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FREAKY FAUNA FACTS by Sarah Bates
Purple frogs? Sightless amphibians? Things that go bump in the night? Well, maybe not that, but Tidbits has certainly compiled some interesting facts on some pretty weird animals. • One of the most endangered species in the world is the Yangtze river dolphin, locally called the baiji. The dolphin may already be extinct, as a recent survey was unable to locate any dolphins in the river. • The olm is a blind amphibian that can live up to one hundred years. It can go ten years without food and can be found in subterranean waters in Italy and Croatia. • The dugong is related to the manatee. It will perch on its tail in the water and stick its head above – a trait that some researchers believe inspired the myth of mermaids.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 2 FREAKY FAUNA FACTS (continued) • A group of geese on the ground is called a gaggle. A group of geese in the sky is called a skein. • The sailfish is the fastest swimmer at sixty-eight mph (109 km/h). • The slowest fish is the seahorse, at .01 mph (.016 km/h). They are also monogamous and mate for life. • Adèlie penguins can live up to twenty years. • The kiwi is also a flightless bird that mates for life and has the most developed sense of smell of modern birds. • Crocodiles are color blind. • Owls are the only bird with the ability to see the color blue. • Giraffes have no vocal chords. • The Purple Frog is an Indian frog that wasn’t discovered until 2003 because of a very unique trait. Purple Frogs live thirteen feet beneath the ground and only come up for two weeks during the monsoon season to mate – making them very hard to find! • The horn of a narwhal is actually a tusk. It is rare, but not impossible, for a narwhal to have two tusks like an elephant. • The solendon is a mammal in Cuba and Hispaniola that injects venom into its prey through its teeth. It is the only mammal that does so. • The Bumblebee Bat is so small it can fit inside a bottle cap. • The kakapo, a New Zealand native, averages at eight pounds and is the heaviest parrot in the world. There are approximately sixty kakapos left in the world today. • The fish with the glowing antenna in Finding Nemo? That’s a female Angler. The male is 1/20th her size and spends his life attached to and slowly fusing with the female. • A house fly only lives about two weeks! • The heart of a blue while is about the size of a small car. • The echidna and platypus are the only egg-laying mammals in the world. An egglaying mammal is called a monotreme. • The duck-billed platypus is venomous! • Kangaroos cannot walk backwards.
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• A hippopotamus can open its jaw so wide that an eight year old could stand up in its mouth. • A sloth can turn its head 270º. • The Chinese Giant Salamander can grow to the length of an average human! • The Gardiner’s Seychelles frog is the world’s smallest frog. It measures less than half the length of its name when typed. • Elephants cannot jump. • The Mekong Giant Catfish is the largest scaleless fresh-water fish in the world. It lives in the Mekong river system in Asia, which spans through the countries of Vietnam, Thailand, Cambodia and Laos. This endangered species can grow up to 650 lbs (295 kg), can live up to sixty years, and can reach up to 10 ft (3 m) long. • Armadillo is a Spanish word meaning “little armored one.” • The ostrich’s eye measures two inches (five centimeters) – the largest of any land animal! • While it resembles a small bear, the wolverine is actually part of the weasel family. • The Andean condor has a wingspan of 10.5 ft (3.2 m) - the largest of any bird in the world. • A newborn kangaroo can fit inside a teaspoon. • Wallace’s flying frog is a species in Malaysia and Borneo that can glide in the air like a flying squirrel. • The Blue-footed booby is a type of booby, a sea bird, with bright blue feet. The bluer the hue, the more attractive the male is to a female, though both sexes have blue feet. • Fireflies are actually beetles. • Corals are carnivorous. While they can survive off algae, they are also armed with venomous barbs, which they can use to grab small fish.
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• The ivory-billed woodpecker was thought to be extinct until 2005, when the bird was caught on video in Arkansas. • The tiger is the largest member of the modern cat family. • There is a larger Asian freshwater fish, though scientists fear it might already be extinct. The scaled Chinese Paddlefish can reach up to 23 ft (7 m), but has not been sighted since 2003. • The Giant Squid, with eyes as big as beach balls, is still one of Earth’s greatest mysteries. Scientists show that the average Giant Squid weighs about 440 lbs (200 kg) and measures 33 ft (10 m) in length. The largest Giant Squid ever found weighed 900 kg, nearly one ton, and was measured at 59 ft (18 m). In 2006, Japanese scientists brought a living, female Giant Squid to the surface that measured 24 ft (7 m) long. • The Ozark big-eared bat is an endangered species in the Central Southern United States. They are named for their unique ears, which can be over 1/4th the length of their 4 in (10 cm) body. • Wildebeest is the Afrikaans name for the gnu, a member of the antelope family. Gnu calves learn to walk in a matter of minutes and are able to keep up with the heard after a few days. • The Amazonian Arapaima is a large, scaled, freshwater fish that surfaces to take air. It can stay underwater anywhere from ten to twenty minutes at a time and can weigh up to 440 lbs (200 kg).
April 27, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
1. ANCIENT WORLD: Who was the king of Troy during the Trojan War? 2. MEDICAL TERMS: What happens during sternutation? 3. MOVIES: What movie featured the famous line, “It ain’t gonna be no rematch”? 4. LITERATURE: In which of Shakespeare’s plays does the character of Titania appear? 5. WEIGHTS AND MEASURES: If a standard quarter weighs .2 ounces, how many quarters would it take to equal 1 pound? 6. SCIENCE: What geological process formed the Grand Canyon? 7. EXPLORERS: Who was the first European explorer to travel the length of the Mississippi River? 8. ENTERTAINERS: In “The Gene Autry Show,” who was Autry’s wellknown comic sidekick? 9. TELEVISION: What was the name of the chimpanzee on “The Beverly Hillbillies”? 10. MUSIC: What kind of instrument is a euphonium?
Page 3
• On April 27, 1865, days after the end of the Civil War, the worst maritime disaster in American history occurs when the steamboat Sultana, carrying 2,100 passengers, explodes and sinks in the Mississippi River, killing all but 400 of those aboard. • On April 30, 1927, the Federal Industrial Institution for Women, the first women’s federal prison, opens in Alderson, W.Va. All women serving federal sentences of more than a year were to be brought there, with the vast majority imprisoned for drug and alcohol charges imposed during the Prohibition era. • On May 1, 1931, President Herbert Hoover officially dedicates New York City’s Empire State Building. The entire 102-story building went up in just over a year, under budget (at $40 million) and well ahead of schedule. During certain periods of building, the frame grew an astonishing fourand-a-half stories a week. • On April 29, 1944, the last “Our Gang” film, “Dancing Romeo,” is released. The first film, featuring a band of mischievous youngsters, was produced in 1922. In all, more than 100 “Our Gang” films were made. Later, they were shown as TV comedies under the name “The Little Rascals.”
Answers: 1. Priam 2. Involuntary sneeze 3. “Rocky” 4. “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” 5. 80 6. Erosion 7. La Salle, in 1682 8. Pat Buttram 9. Cousin Bessie 10. Brass instrument that resembles a small tuba
• On April 28, 1958, “The Witch Doctor” hits the No. 1 spot on Billboard’s pop charts. The song used the unusual technique of recording the singer’s voice at a different speed than the music. Songwriter and singer Ross Bagdasarian (who recorded under the name David Seville) topped the charts again at the end of the year with “The Chipmunk Song,” sung by his chipper cartoon band creation, the Chipmunks.
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Quips & Quotes A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials. — Lucius Annaeus Seneca A big shot is a little shot that kept shooting. — Anonymous
• On May 3, 1960, the musical comedy “The Fantasticks” opens in an off-Broadway playhouse in New York’s Greenwich Village. The show, about a young man and woman whose ostensibly feuding parents are actually scheming to bring the couple together, became the longest-running musical of all time and is still running today. • On May 2, 1972, Steven Spielberg begins filming “Jaws.” The production, which used three mechanical sharks to great effect, enthralled audiences and grossed $458 million in its theatrical release. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 4
WeddingBits
April 27, 2009
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No wedding is complete without fl owers, and that can mean anything from a simple daisy bouquet carried by the bride to elaborate centerpieces at every reception table. In whatever way you’re planning to use them, keep these elements in mind in order to complete your wedding look with a dose of fl oral freshness and beauty: Color: It’s one of the fi rst things you think of when you think of fl owers. You can match the fl owers to your overall wedding colors or choose something that contrasts. If your color is pale pink, consider more-saturated hues such as fuchsias or roses; vice versa, if your palette is brighter. You could also try varying shades within the same color family for a romantic feel or different colors of the same variety, such as roses. One look that has become fashionable and fresh is a singlebud (rather than multi-varietal) arrangement tied with a simple green or metallic ribbon or raffi a. Size: As with jewelry, the fl owers you carry should match your stature. If you’re petite, for example, you might not want an arrangement that features tall irises or sunfl owers, even if they’re your favorite. Use them on tables instead. On the other hand, a bunch of baby’s breath and buttercups does not a bridal bouquet make. Choose fl owers your guests will be able to see, that will show up well in photos, and that won’t wilt easily. Cost: Blowing your budget on something as short-lived as fl owers does not make good sense. Even if you have your heart set on a room fi lled with long-stemmed roses, talk to your fl orist about what he/she can do within your budgetary means, whether it’s spending the majority of your allotment on the bouquets and boutonnieres or on the reception, or spreading it throughout. And remember that sometimes less is more. Vases: Here’s where you can get creative— and budget-conscious, too. Many items that either you already own or that don’t cost much can serve as beautiful vases for centerpieces. You might even come across some great fi nds at garage sales, thrift stores, vintage shops or your parents’ attic: light fi xtures, serving bowls—even sand pails and lined baskets— could work, depending on how formal your wedding is. Try clustering vases of different heights together to create a visually interesting look. Also consider all of the places you can (but don’t necessarily NEED to) incorporate fl owers into your wedding, including: • in your hair, your bridesmaids’ and fl ower girl’s hair • in corsages for mother of the bride, mother of the groom, and any other female guests you wish to honor • in boutonnieres for the groom and all male attendants and ushers, as well as father of the bride and/or father of the groom • all bouquets being carried • decorating the ceremony area, altar, aisle runner and entrance to seating/pews • reception table centerpieces including buffet table (if applicable), dais, individual tables and cake table • on the cake itself You can get numerous ideas from wedding magazines and bridal shops, and then be sure to talk to your fl orist about how to make a gorgeous statement with fl owers.
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April 27, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 5 The “one stop sprinkler shop” COME IN TODAY!
To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com
Events
MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details. Cinco de Mayo Celebrate Culture Festival - May 9, 2009 - May 10, 2009, Saturday and Sunday 10:00 am - 8:00 pm, Civic Center Park, Denver. FREE. Spice up your weekend and head to Civic Center Park for the largest Cinco de Mayo celebration in the United States! Mexican culture fills the park with arts and crafts , strolling Mariachi bands, colorfully costumed Aztec dancers, several stages featuring traditional and contemporary Latino entertainment and a variety of Mexican culinary delights! www. CincoDeMayoDenver.com Bikers Against Diabetes: May 17, 2009; Fraternal Order of Eagles, 1151 S Galena St, Denver. $20 Single/$10 Passenger (includes Lunch) Benefits Children’s Hospital Diabetes Research. www.EagleRiders3224.com or call (303) 695-0673. Fuel-Fest: June 12, 2009, - June 14, 2009, May Farms, Byers. A bold new Western festival that merges astonishing music and family entertainment with an extraordinary marketplace of clean technologies and educational workshops. A grand new event showcasing Colorado’s national leadership in shaping a new energy future. Presented by May Farms in partnership with: The US Department of Energy’s National Renewable Energy Laboratory, Colorado Governor’s Energy Office and the Colorado Department of Agriculture. Music, workshops, market place and expo, handson interactive educational activities for kids - such as kite flying - as well as a healthy mix of barnyard fun - hayrides and a petting zoo. For More information - www.Fuel-Fest. org. Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 - June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/ Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm. Saturdy 9:00 am - 11:00 pm. Sunday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm. www.ParkerOnLine.org Jazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass Village Resort, Snowmass Colorado. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE! Show Times To Be Announced. Music, Food, Friends and Fun. The festival will showcase multiple performances featuring this year’s brilliant group of JAS Academy artists at a variety of clubs. www. SnowmassVillage.com Coolest Car Show: July 4, 2009; 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. Downtown Estes Park, between West Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FOR JUST $10! Proceeds benefit the Estes Park Museum. The Coolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of the cars is encouraged! Information and to register your car: www.EstesParkcvb.com
Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions. com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free day: First Friday of each month, 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www. mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov
Sports
Colorado Rockies - Major League Baseball Rockies host San Diego; Mon Apr 27, 6:40 pm, Tue Apr 28, 6:40 pm, and Wed Apr 29, 1:10 pm San Francisco hosts Rockies: Fri May 1, 8:15 pm, Sat May 2, 2:05 pm, Sun May 3, 2:05 pm San Diego hosts Rockies: Mon May 4, 8:05 pm, Tue May 5, 8:05 pm Rockies host San Francisco: Wed May 6, 6:40 pm, Thu May 7, 1:10 pm Rockies host Florida: Fri May 8, 7:10 pm, Sat May 9, 6:10 pm, Sun May 10, 1:10 pm Rockies host Houston: Tue May 12, 6:40 pm, Wed May 13, 6:40 pm, Thu May 14, 1:10 pm Pittsburgh hosts Rockies: Fri May 15, 5:05 pm, Sat May 16, 5:05 pm, Sun May 17, 11:35 am Atlanta hosts Rockies: Mon May 18, 5:00 pm, Tue May 19, 5:00 pm, Wed May 20, 5:00 pm, Thu May 21, 5:00 pm Detroit hosts Rockies: Fri May 22, 5:05 pm, Sat May 23, 5:05 pm, Sun May 24, 11:35 am Rockies host Los Angeles: Mon May 25, 1:10 pm, Tue May 26, 6:40 pm, Wed May 27, 1:10 pm Rockies host San Diego: Fri May 29, 7:10 pm, Sat May 30, 6:10 pm, Sun May 31, 1:10 pm Houston hosts Rockies: Mon Jun 1, 6:05 pm, Tue Jun 2, 6:05 pm, Wed Jun 3, 6:05 pm, Thu Jun 4, 6:05 pm
Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer Rapids host Salt Lake: Sat May 2, 7:30 pm N. England hosts Rapids: Sat May 16, 5:30 pm Rapids host Seatlle: Sat May 23, 7:30 pm New York hosts Rapids: Sat May 30, 5:30 pm Salt Lake hosts Rapids: Sat Jun 6, 8:00 pm Denver Outlaws - Major League Lacrosse Outlaws host Chicago: Sat May 16, 7:00 pm Boston hosts Outlaws: Fri May 22, 5:30 pm Outlaws host Waashington: Sat May 30, 7pm Machine hosts Outlaws: Sun Jun 7, 2:00 pm Colorado Avalanche - NHL Denver Nuggets - NBA Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 6
No Stress Moves
We’ve all been through the stress of “moving day”. We spend a few days getting things ready; pre-packing what we’ll take with us, carefully setting aside those heirlooms and valuables we want to pack or hand carry so as not to risk damage or loss, setting aside our moveday wardrobe, getting the coffee ready the night before and a night of restless sleep as we dread “the” day. And while moving cross-country may still involve some stress and sense of foreboding, moving within the metro area and front range need not be as stressful. Your move will not be stressful. Your move will go smoothly. Your move will be handled professionally with someone you can trust to take care of your household belongings. Your move will no longer cause anxiety, heartburn or other stress related conditions. Your move will be handled by Get It ‘N’ Go. Get It ‘N’ Go is your moving specialist for front range moving. Lawrence Crespin, owner, will take good care of your belongings because he cares about his customers. At Get It ‘N’ Go, your belongings will not be packed onto a commercial truck with other people’s boxes, taken to a warehouse unpacked,
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then repacked onto a shipping container to be sent to another warehouse to be unpacked and repacked onto another truck – this is how your boxes and household goods get lost and damaged. Mr. Crespin will pack your goods onto a truck and deliver them directly to their destination – no middle man! Are you looking to move an entire household? Get It ‘N’ Go is the job for you! What about your child leaving for school? Don’t worry about overloading your car – call Get It ‘N’ Go and they will handle that smaller move for you so you can drive your child to school in comfort. Are you buying or selling a piece or suite of furniture and need to move it from one place to another? Get It ‘N’ Go will handle that shuffle move for you! No need to borrow a truck from your friend or rent a truck for the move – call Get It ‘N’ Go and they will pick it up and drop it off for you. Get It ‘N’ Go is licensed, bonded and insured. Your valuables are in good hands and protected. Mr. Crespin offers a few tips for your move, “Be sure to label each box with a key word of phrase that will tell you which room it belongs in at its destination and perhaps what’s in it. As an example, ‘Master Bedroom – Night Stand’. Another thing to remember is to pack fragile items with a cushioning material such as newspaper, Styrofoam peanuts, bubble wrap or even towels. When moving lamps, or anything
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April 27, 2009
else with a light bulb; remove the light bulb before the move. Wrap and tape cords to the appliance, this not o n l y helps cut down on potential damage to the cords but also eliminates tangles if many small appliances are shipped together.” Mr. Crespin also offers another bit of advice for moves, “If you need to disassemble something for a move, place all of the screws, bolts, nuts, etc. into a Ziploc bag. Label the contents and tape it closed. Tape the Ziploc bag to one of the disassembled pieces and when your belongings arrive at their destination, you will have everything in place for the reassembly. Get It ‘N’ Go – YOUR moving, delivery and shuffle specialists, can be reached by calling (720) 447-5862 or by emailing GetItNGo@Live.com
Call (303) 688-1987 HOUSES FOR RENT
AFFORDABLE FORECLOSURES! 3 bed 2 ba $201/ mo! 5 bed 2 ba $378/mo! 5% down, 30 years @ 8%. For listings 800-576-6921 ext T770.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
April 27, 2009
WEEKLY FUNNIES
By Samantha Weaver • It was Ludwig Wilhelm Erhard, chancellor of West Germany in the 1960s, who made the following sage observation: “A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.” • You think you’re a chocolate lover? In Spain in the 16th century, people loved chocolate so much that it was not uncommon for royal families to give cocoa as part of their daughters’ dowry. • Chiffon is a perennially fashionable lightweight sheer fabric used in many beautiful gowns -- you yourself might have worn a chiffon dress to your prom. But you probably didn’t realize that the word “chiffon” is actually French for “rag.” • If you’ve ever lived with another person, whether a sibling, a spouse or a roommate, it’s almost certain that no matter how good the relationship, there was friction over sharing the bathroom. A few years ago those who study such things decided to conduct a survey to determine what the most annoying bathroom-related habits are. The results: The habit that annoys people more than any other is failing to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs out. Leaving blobs of toothpaste in the sink was a close second. • There was once a law in Hawaii that required anyone not owning a boat to pay a fine. • Dooley Wilson, the actor who played Sam the piano player in the Academy Awardwinning 1942 film “Casablanca,” was actually a drummer -- he couldn’t play the piano at all. • Talk about being desperate for immortality: Greek philosopher Empedocles wanted people to believe that his body had disappeared and he had been turned into a god, so he threw himself into Mt. Etna, an active volcano. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: “Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” -- Robert Orben
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.” A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. “What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong, it’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “Yup,” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it. “Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey! What do you think you’re doing? It’s three-fifteen in the morning!” Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men’s retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can make wild passionate love to me tonight!” A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!” One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for
WEEKLY ANSWERS
Page 7
CHANGE A LIFE
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25 cents. “Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied. “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!” Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.” The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in to the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. A burglar burst into a bank and pulled out a gun. He yelled, “If you guys don’t give me all your money, everyone will be math!” A brave man asked, “Don’t you mean, ‘history’?” The burglar replied, “Don’t change the subject.”
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Page 8
Laugh Lines! You Know You’re A Mom When...
• Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don’t care. • When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding. • You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. • You spend an entire week wearing sweats. • Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. • Popsicle’s become a food staple. • Your favorite television show is a cartoon. • Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day. • You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on. • Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because you’re too busy to wash it off. • You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! • You sing “Dora Dora Dora the Explorer” in the shower.
April 27, 2009
“The World Through A Child’s Eyes” Can be YOURS! The perfect book to read with your child.
• Spit is your number one cleaning agent. • In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor and a dog drinking out of the toilet. • You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. • The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie bars. • You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal. • You have time to shave only one leg at a time. • You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
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• Your kid throws up and you catch it. • Someone else’s kid throws up at a party. You keep eating. • You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance. • You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. • You have no issue with sniffing another person’s butt for a poopie diaper.
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