Denver Metro Area May 18, 2009
Issue #1088
Published by Mountain View Publishing, LLC
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MORE TIDBITS® ON
ALL THE PRESIDENTS by Sarah Bates
We’ve gotten so many great responses to our Presidents’ Tidbits that we’d like to share a bit more information on our nation’s highest office and the men who were elected to it. • George Washington was a second cousin twice removed to Queen Elizabeth II.
Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com
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• Washington was the only President to win a unanimous electorate vote.
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• John Adams was the first President to live in the White House. • James Madison was the first President to wear trousers instead of knee breeches. • James Madison and Zachary Taylor were second cousins. • John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison all died on the 4th of July. • The tallest President was Abraham Lincoln at 6’4”. The shortest President was James Madison at 5’4”.
• John Quincy Adams was the first President to be photographed.
• Andrew Jackson was the first President to travel by locomotive.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 2 ALL THE PRESIDENTS (continued)
• Martin Van Buren was the first President born in the United States. All prior Presidents had been born in the Colonies. • John Tyler had fifteen children, the most of any President. • President Tyler was the first Vice President to ascend to the Presidency when William Henry Harrison passed away. • William Henry Harrison died of pneumonia after only thirty-two days in office. • The first annual White House Thanksgiving celebration was hosted by President James Polk and his wife. • Millard Fillmore was the last President to be born in the 18th Century. • President Franklin Pierce was the first to have a Christmas tree in the White House. • James Buchanan was the only President to never marry. • Abraham Lincoln was the first President to wear a beard. • Andrew Johnson was never formally educated. His wife Eliza taught him reading, writing and arithmetic. • Ulysses S. Grant finished his memoirs just weeks before his death. The book earned his family $450,000. • Rutherford B. Hayes held the first annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. • James Garfield was the last President to be born in a log cabin. • Grover Cleveland was the only President to be married in the White House. • Grover Cleveland also dedicated the Statue of Liberty in 1886. • Benjamin Harrison was the first President to use electricity in the White House. He had it installed in 1891. • William McKinley was the first President to ride in an automobile. • President McKinley’s inauguration was the first to ever be filmed. • Theodore Roosevelt was the first President to call his home the White House – before it was referred to as the Executive Mansion. • Theodore Roosevelt was the first American to win the Nobel Peace Prize (1906). • Theodore Roosevelt, at forty-two, was the youngest to assume office after President McKinley was assassinated. The youngest President to be elected was John F. Kennedy at age forty-three. • William Howard Taft was the first President to own a car. • Woodrow Wilson was the first President to earn a Ph.D.
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• Warren G. Harding was the first President to speak over the radio. • President Harding wore a size fourteen shoe, the largest of any President. • Calvin Coolidge lit the first National Christmas tree on the White House lawn on December 24, 1923. • Herbert Hoover was the first President to be born west of the Mississippi River. • President Hoover approved the “StarSpangled Banner” as the National Anthem and donated all of his Presidential salary to charity. • Franklin Delano Roosevelt was paralyzed in 1921 at the age of 39 and served his entire Presidency without the use of his legs. He also founded the March of Dimes in 1938. • Harry S. Truman was the first President to give a speech on television. • President Truman used to get up each morning at 5 a.m. to practice the piano for two hours. • Dwight D. Eisenhower was the only President to serve in both WWI and WWII and was the last WWI veteran to serve as President. • John F. Kennedy was the first Roman Catholic to hold the office of President. • Born in 1917, President Kennedy was the first President elected that was born in the 20th Century. Lyndon Johnson was born in 1908 but did not become President until after Kennedy’s assassination. • Lyndon B. Johnson was the first President to name an Africa-American to his cabinet. • President Nixon was the first President to visit all fifty states.
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• The longest-lived President was Gerald Ford, who lived to be ninety-three. Reagan was a close second, also ninety-three. • President Ford worked briefly as a fashion model in the 1940s. • Jimmy Carter was the first President to be born in a hospital. • The oldest President to assume office was Ronald Reagan at age sixty-nine. • President Reagan was TIME magazine’s Man of the Year two times. • George H.W. Bush was the first former Vice President to be later elected as President since Martin Van Buren. • President Clinton was born William Jefferson Blythe III. He took his stepfather’s last name when he was in high school. • George W. Bush was the first son of a President to become a President himself since John and John Quincy Adams. • President Obama is our 44th President but only the 43rd man to hold the office. Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms in office and was the 22nd and 24th President. • President Obama was born in Hawaii, making him the first President to be born outside the Continental U.S.
May 18, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
1. HISTORY: The Battle of Hastings was fought for control of which country?
• On May 19, 1715, the colony of New York passes a law making it illegal to “gather, rake, take up or bring to the market, any oysters whatsoever” between the months of May and September. This regulation was only one of many that were passed in the early days of America to help preserve certain species.
2. U.S. STATES: How much did the United States pay Russia for the Alaskan territory in 1867? 3. MUSIC: Who wrote and sang “The Theme from Shaft”? 4. LITERATURE: What was the London address of Sirius Black’s ancestral home in “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”?
• On May 20, 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signs the Homestead Act, which opens government-owned land to small family farmers (“homesteaders”). The act gave “any person” who was the head of a family 160 acres to try his hand at farming for five years.
5. GEOGRAPHY: Where is Mount Vesuvius? 6. TELEVISION: Who played Morticia on “The Addams Family” television series? 7. INVENTIONS: Which scientist played a major role in the invention of peanut butter?
• On May 24, 1899, the first public parking garage in the United States is established in Boston by W.T. McCullough as the Back Bay Cycle and Motor Company. McCullough advertised the garage’s opening as a “stable for renting, sale, storage and repair of motor vehicles.”
8. ENTERTAINERS: Which entertainer also is known as “The Divine Miss M”? 9. AD SLOGANS: Which company featured the ad slogan: “Because I’m worth it”? 10. FAMOUS QUOTES: Who once said, “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.”
Answers 1. England 2. $7 million 3. Isaac Hayes 4. Number 12, Grimmauld Place 5. Italy 6. Carolyn Jones 7. George Washington Carver 8. Bette Midler 9. L’OrŽal 10. Josh Billings
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Page 3
Some think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go. Sylvia Robinson
• On May 18, 1920, Karol Jozef Wojtyla is born in the Polish town of Wadowice, 35 miles southwest of Krakow. Wojtyla went on to become Pope John Paul II, history’s most well-traveled pope and the first nonItalian to hold the position since the 16th century. • On May 23, 1933, TV actress Joan Collins is born. In 1990, Random House offered Collins $4 million in a two-book deal, paying a $1.2 million advance, with the rest due on delivery of the manuscripts. When Collins turned in the first book, the publishing house claimed the manuscript was “unreadable” and sued for the return of the advance. • On May 22, 1967, a fire at the L’Innovation department store in Brussels, Belgium, kills 322 people on the first day of a heavily promoted American fashion exhibition. Despite speculation that the fire was a deliberate anti-U.S. action, most of the available evidence pointed to an electrical fire.
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• On May 21, 2000, the bones of President James Garfield’s spine, with a bullet hole, are put on display as part of an exhibit at the National Museum of Health and Medicine in Washington, D.C. The museum also owns some of Lincoln’s skull fragments and President Eisenhower’s gallstones. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 4
May 18, 2009
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FOR WEEK OF MAY 18, 2009 ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Untangling personal problems might take more time than the impatient Lamb expected. But it’s important to hang in there until all those knotty situations are straightened out. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You still need to work out last-minute snags in your dealings with a rival. Hold your ground despite a perceived lack of support. Things should turn around before you know it. GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Best not to delay preparing for that upcoming family event. The sooner you get things started, the better chance you have of finding potential problems and making needed changes. CANCER (June 21 to July 22) The romantic Moon Child might be reluctant to see the reality behind that “ideal” situation. But by midweek, the practical Crab emerges to help clear away the moonbeams. LEO (July 23 to August 22) Although the Big Cat might be receptive to more “purrsuasion” to get you to agree to a workplace change, make sure you can distinguish the fine line between facts and flattery. VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Your positive attitude in the workplace helps to get you noticed by the right people. Now go ahead and use some of that new self-confidence to help shore up a personal relationship. LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Although you might still have to work out some problems with a business partner, things go more smoothly on the home front. An investment opportunity might need more study. SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Don’t be reluctant to act on your suspicion. Even if others see nothing wrong, the astute Scorpio could sense an underlying problem that isn’t always obvious on the surface. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) A new opportunity presents some obstacles that need to be dealt with as soon as possible. Delaying action in hopes that the problems will go away could be counterproductive. CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) A friend or family member’s request might carry some hidden factors that could later create problems. Be sure you know all the facts before you make your decision. AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A setback in implementing a plan could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Use the downtime to rework your original concepts and see where changes could be made. PISCES (February 19 to March 20) You might not be consciously fishing for compliments, but admit it -- won’t you feel great when your efforts are noticed? So accept the praise gracefully. You earned it. BORN THIS WEEK: Your love of beauty in your personal life extends to your efforts to protect and preserve the natural world around you. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
When You're Down to One Income Many families are getting an unpleasant shock when job loss forces them to suddenly live on one income. If this happens to you, don't panic. Here's what to do: • Apply for unemployment benefits. Don't wait to see if you get another job quickly. • Do the math. Add up all your fixed monthly bills, such as credit cards, loans and mortgage. How much in the red will you actually be? Calculate savings and see how far it's going to stretch. • Cut your fixed expenses immediately, to the extent that you can. Is it time to consider refinancing your mortgage, perhaps increasing the length of the loan to 40 years? (Once you get on your feet again, you can make extra principal payments to reduce the life of the loan.) Will the credit-card companies lower your interest rate? Perhaps it's time to cut back to basic cable service or raise the deductible on your auto insurance. If you have both cell and house phones, would it be cheaper to let the house phone go? Does it make sense to sell one of your vehicles to cut back on payments and insurance? Ask your utility company about going on a fixed monthly plan (a year's use divided by 12.) • Take a hard look at your flexible expenses, such as food and clothing and all those things that seem to fall under the heading of "miscellaneous." Before you buy anything, look for a cheaper source. Need kid clothes or a bicycle or dishes? Sign up on FreeCycle.com. Plan menus around the coupons in the weekly paper. Investigate "freebies" online. (It's best to generate a throwaway e-mail address for this, as your level of spam will skyrocket.) • Can the one of you who still has a job telecommute? Even working from home a few days a week will save on gas and dry-cleaning bills. If you still have your job, start now to develop multiple streams of income. Then if the worst happens, you won't be completely without income, and those side sources will have the potential of either keeping you afloat until another main job comes along, or they could be developed into your main job without the problems of getting started. Best bet in this economy: have one main and two side sources of income. David Uffington regrets that he cannot personally answer reader questions, but will incorporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to columnreply@gmail.com. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
May 18, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 5
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Events
MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details. Tablescapes - Tea and Treasures: June 4, 2009, - June 6, 2009; 1400 Josephine St, Denver. 10:00 am - 4:00 pm Thursday through Saturday. $16 prior to June 1st, $22 after June 1st. Come enjoy a Victorian Tea, Gift Boutique, Amateur Table Setting Competition and Historic House Tours at the Mile High Professional Auxiliary’s 2009 Tablescapes event. All proceeds go to support the programs of the Assistance League of Denver. For more information call (303) 355-2470 or visit www.Denver.AssitanceLeague.org Elizabeth Stampede: June 5, 6 and 7, 2009; Elizabeth. Fri 11:00 am Royalty Lunch, 5:00 pm-10:00 pm Auction. 7:00 pm PBR Bull Riding. 9:30 pm Live music and dancing. Sat 10:00 am Parade, 2:00 pm and 7:00 pm PRCA Rodeo, 9:30 pm Live music and dancing. Sun 11:00 am Auction (Fairgrounds open), VETERANS SPECIALS. www.ElizabethStampede.com Fuel-Fest: June 12, 2009, - June 14, 2009, May Farms, Byers. A bold new Western festival that merges music and family entertainment with an extraordinary marketplace of clean technologies and educational workshops. Presented by May Farms in partnership with: The US Department of Energy’s National Renewable Energy Laboratory, Colorado Governor’s Energy Office and the Colorado Department of Agriculture. Music, workshops, market place and expo, hands-on interactive educational activities for kids - such as kite flying - as well as a healthy mix of barnyard fun - hayrides and a petting zoo. For More information visit www.Fuel-Fest.org. Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 - June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/ Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm. Saturdy 9:00 am - 11:00 pm. Sunday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm. www.ParkerOnLine.org Jazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE! Show Times To Be Announced. Music, Food, Friends and Fun. The festival will showcase multiple performances featuring this year’s brilliant group of JAS Academy artists at a variety of clubs. www.SnowmassVillage.com Coolest Car Show: July 4, 2009; 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. Downtown Estes Park, between West Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FOR JUST $10! Proceeds benefit the Estes Park Museum. The Coolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of the cars is encouraged! Information and to register your car: www.EstesParkcvb.com To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com as far ahead of the event as possible.
Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www. cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-2794591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www. broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www. denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free days: July 20, Aug 20, Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www. botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www. dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-2987554 www.mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint. gov
Sports
Colorado Rockies - Major League Baseball • Atlanta hosts Rockies: Mon May 18, 5:00 pm, Tue May 19, 5:00 pm, Wed May 20, 5:00 pm, Thu May 21, 5:00 pm • Detroit hosts Rockies: Fri May 22, 5:05 pm, Sat May 23, 5:05 pm, Sun May 24, 11:35 am • Rockies host Los Angeles: Mon May 25, 1:10 pm, Tue May 26, 6:40 pm, Wed May 27, 1:10 pm • Rockies host San Diego: Fri May 29, 7:10 pm, Sat May 30 6:10 pm, Sun May 31, 1:10 pm • Houston hosts Rockes: Mon Jun 1, 6:05 pm, Tue Jun 2, 6:05 pm, Wed Jun 3, 6:05 pm, Thu Jun 4, 6:05 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer • Rapids host Seatlle: Sat May 23, 7:30 pm • New York hosts Rapids: Sat May 30, 5:30 pm • Salt Lake hosts Rapids: Sat Jun 6, 8:00 pm • Rapids host DC United: Sat Jun 20, 7:30 pm Denver Outlaws - Major League Lacrosse • Boston hosts Outlaws: Fri May 22, 5:30 pm • Outlaws host Bayhawks: Sat May 30, 7:00 pm • Machine hosts Outlaws: Sun Jun 7, 2:00 pm • Outlaws host Lizrds: Sat Jun 13, 7:00 pm
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 6
Two Shops In One Trailers and Off-Road Accessories
Car trailers, horse trailers, cargo trailers, slant load, straight load, stock and living quarters… For those people who don’t own a trailer, you may not realize that there are many different kinds of trailers designed for specific purposes. You may have thought about buying a trailer to have on hand when you need to haul lumber home from the DIY store or to take large amounts of lawn debris to the dump or perhaps to take home yard and garage sale finds. Parker Trailer Service can help you choose the trailer that is right for you. Parker Trailer Service has been servicing the greater Denver area since it’s inception in October of 2007. Locally owned and operated, Parker Trailer Service believes that a successful business is built on solid customer service. Under new ownership since January 2009, Parker Trailer Service is a full sales and service operation. Parker Trailer Service carries trailers from manufacturers such as Big Tex, S&H Trailers, Cargo Express, Mirage, Travalong, Kiefer Built, Echo and Voyager. They carry utility, landscape, flatbed, cargo, car haulers, dump trailers, snowmobile, ATV, and motorcycle trailers, as well as horse and other livestock trailers. Parker Trailer
Dear Tidbits Readers: Tidbits - Denver Metro Area can now place your display or classified ad in over 300 papers across the country! Papers such as: American Classifieds; Penny Saver; Thrifty Nickel; and other Tidbit publications throughout the USA. There is no need to contact each paper individually to place an ad. PRIVATE PARTY ADS - start at $12.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. B U S I N E S S / COMMERCIAL ADS - start at $18.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. Email us at Classifieds@ TidbitsOfDenver.com or call us at (303) 688-1987 to place your ad today
Service will help you determine which trailer you need and guide you through your choices of brand and style. For current trailer owners, Parker Trailer Service has a service shop capable of solving any problem that may arise with a trailer. From a simple bearing pack, to electrical work, or custom racks and dividers, their service shop can address any need or want. Parker Trailer Service employs a sales and service staff with years of knowledge in the trailer industry. With a full line of trailers and full service shop the only question that needs to be asked is, why shop anywhere else? Do you have a trailer, boat RV, ATV or motorcycle to sell? Parker Trailer Service is your consignment shop. Parker Trailer Service has a wide variety of advertising resources to sell your trailer or outdoor toy. Let Parker Trailers do the work for you! Parker Trailer Service recently opened their accessory shop, Parker Motorsports. Having owned a successful off-road and accessory shop before, adding Parker Motorsports to the trailer business was a natural fit. With their knowledge of off-road accessories and suspension Parker Motorsports can build anything from mild to wild. They offer spray on bed liners for trucks, Jeeps, ladder racks, and any other application that could be imagined. Parker Motorsports is a Warn Red Letter Dealer with a large inventory of
Email Classifieds@TidbitsOfDenver.com
May 18, 2009
Warn winches and accessories. They are also an official sponsor of NASA Rocky Mountain. Parker Motorsports is an authorized dealer for Toyo Tires and carries a full selection of racing parts and supplies. They carry a full line of Earl’s fittings, helmets, suits, fire systems, safety systems, and NOS refills. With manufacturers such as G Force, Longacre, Cool Shirts, Hawk, Wilwood, Earl’s, Toyo, Warn, Superlift, Rancho, Skyjacker, Westin, Top Gun, ARB, B&W, Valley, Drawtite and Reese, Parker Motorsports has the accessories anyone could need. Parker Trailer Service and Parker Motorsports is conveniently located at 10270 South Dransfeldt Road, just 3 blocks south of Lincoln in Parker. You can visit them online to view their inventory at www. parkertrailers.com or stop by the shop to speak to a salesman about your trailer or accessory needs.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
May 18, 2009
WEEKLY FUNNIES
By Samantha Weaver
• It was American comedian, actor, and writer George Burns who made the following sage observation: “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.” • If you’re like the average American, you watch a whopping 4 hours and 44 minutes of television every day. • In all likelihood, you’ve never run across a moirologist - in fact, they probably don’t even exist in the United States today. However, professional mourners - which is what moirologists are - have a long history, dating back to ancient Greece. Even as recently as the early 1900s, there was a report of a moirologists’ strike in Paris. • Another reason to celebrate the 250th anniversary of the birth of that iconic Irish export, Guinness: Studies show that the stout beer contains antioxidant compounds that benefit the heart by slowing down the accumulation of bad cholesterol on the walls of arteries. Cheers! • According to a recent news story on the website of the British Broadcasting Corporation, eight police officers in Scotland claim their religion to be Jedi - as in the Jedi Knights of George Lucas’ “Star Wars” films. And it seems they’re not the only ones: According to the 2001 census, there are 14,000 adherents of Jedi in Scotland, and another 390,000 in England and Wales. There’s even a UK Church of the Jedi, founded by brothers Barney and Daniel Jones, which offers light saber training and teaches about The Force. • If you’re right-handed, studies show that you tend to wash your left hand more thoroughly than your right hand. Reverse that if you’re a leftie. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: “Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.” - E. Joseph Cossman
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint.He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?” The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!” A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.His father took him into his study and said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said, “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”The minister said, “Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.” A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don’t, I’m going to have to impound them as evidence.”The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.””Pet fish?!” the warden replied.”Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I
WEEKLY ANSWERS
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take ‘em home.””That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.””O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!.” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?””Well, What?” the man responded.”When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted.”Call who back?” The man asked.”The FISH.””What fish?” The man asked The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.”Mother, Mother” the nuns cried, “Give us some wisdom before you die!” She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, “Don’t sell that cow! The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
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Laugh Lines!
A Cowboy’s Guide to Life... • Never squat with yer spurs on. • There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works. • Don’t judge people by their relatives. • Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. • Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town. • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. • When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. • You can’t tell how good a man or a watermelon is ‘til they get thumped. • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. • When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back. • Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco. • Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’. • It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. • Talk slowly, think quickly.
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• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. • Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey. • Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. • Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. • Always drink upstream from the herd. • If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there. • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson. • Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got. • The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. • If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t. • Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was. • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. • Never miss a good chance to shut up. • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. • It’s better to be a has-been than a never-was. • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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