40,000+
Denver Metro Area
Denver Metro Area Readers Weekly
July 13, 2009
Issue #1095
Published by Mountain View Publishing, LLC
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INTERESTING EDIBLES by Sarah Bates
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• Do you know what a pluot is? It’s a complex hybrid between a plum and an apricot. It’s traits tend to be more plum-like, with a smooth skin. They are very sweet and intense in flavor and very juicy. They are not to be confused with an aprium, which is also a plum/apricot hybrid that is 1/4th plum and 3/4th apricot. Another plum/apricot hybrid is the plumcot. What’s a plum+apricot+peach? That one’s called a Peacotum.
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TIDBITSÂŽ CHOWS DOWN ON
• Honey, a natural energy restorer, was not only used by ancient cultures but it has been found in ancient Egyptian tombs. There have also been discoveries of 4,500 year old Egyptians carvings which are some of the earliest depictions of bee keeping.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 2 INTERESTING EDIBLES :(continued) • The island nation of Grenada in the Caribbean was named for the pomegranate. So was grenadine syrup and the grenade. All come from the Latin root word punica granatum, which means pomegranate. • The ancient Egyptians believed that the onion, with its concentric rings, was a symbol of eternal life. The onion was first introduced to North America with Christopher Columbus in 1492. • Have you ever wondered just why you well up when you chop an onion? When cut, fresh onions release a gas that irritates the eye, which in turn causes the tear ducts to try and relieve the eye. There are hundreds of tips on how to prevent those unwanted tears. Some cooks suggest running the onion under cold water before cutting. • Oil and vinegar just go together, even in ancient times, and both have been used by the Italians for centuries. Ancient Roman women would massage olive oil over their pregnant bellies to prevent stretch marks and balsamic vinegar has been produced in Italy since the Middle Ages. • The word pineapple first appeared in the English language to describe pine cones back in 1398. The fruit itself is a native of Brazil and Paraguay. • Georgia and Texas are the two major peanut producing states in the U.S. We’re glad to have them when we’re eating our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Did you know it takes 850 peanuts just to make one jar of peanut butter? Now there’s something that will stick to the roof of your mouth! • More sweet facts: peaches will not get sweeter once they are picked. They will get softer and juicier, but not sweeter. • Bourbon was made the official spirit of the United States in May of 1964. September 2007 was declared National Bourbon Heritage Month by the U.S. Senate. • Did you know the largest milkshake ever made was mixed up in New York back in 2000? It weighed a whopping 6,000 gal (22,712 L) • How do they do that? The pocket in pita bread is made by steam. It expands through the dough as it cooks. As the bread cools, it flattens, leaving a pocket in the middle! • What’s the difference between Cajun and Creole? For those outside of Louisiana, it might be a little hard to tell. Creole was first used to describe city cooking with Spanish, African, German, Italian and West Indian influences. Cajun food was country
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cooking developed by the Acadians who learned to live in the Louisiana swamplands. Creole is more continental and sophisticated where Cajun is more seasoned and hearty. • The Australian favorite Vegemite celebrated the sale of its one billionth jar in October of 2008. Did you know Aussies call JELL-O jelly and jelly jam? • Did you know that if you drop a raisin in a glass of champagne or other carbonated beverage it will bounce up and down? So, what’s the reason? Carbon dioxide bubbles are caught in the irregularities on the surface of the raisin. When enough bubbles accumulate, they will lift the raisin to the surface, where the bubbles escape, causing the raisin to sink back down to the bottom. This will repeat so long as there is enough carbon dioxide to lift the raisin again. • Biscotti refers to a specific type of hard cookie here, however the word biscotti is an all encompassing word for biscuits in Italy. • British biscuits are what Americans call cookies. • The first Oreo was sold in 1912, but the modern Oreo with the logo embossed on the cookie didn’t arrive until 1952. • What are cookies without ice cream? America’s first ice cream parlor opened in 1776 in New York City. What are the top five ice cream consuming countries? That would be the United States, New Zealand, Denmark, Austria and Belgium. • Did you know that your body uses more calories to drink ice water than it does to drink room temperature water? • Have you ever asked yourself what’s the most popular beverage in the world? Well, next to water, it’s tea. This varies of course throughout the ages, but one news report in 2007 estimated that people drink between 18 and 20 million six ounce cups of tea each day! • While the term hamburger first appeared in the English language around the mid1800s, the hamburger as we know it today,
July 13, 2009
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with buns, first appeared around World War I. • If you’re from the North East United States, you might be familiar with disco fries, but for the rest of us, here’s a definition. Disco fries are served with mozzarella and gravy and are a popular diner food. • Belgians claim that French fries are really a Belgian invention. Belgians also prefer their fries with mayonnaise, not ketchup. • If you thought you’d seen everything that could be fried, think again! Paula Dean, Food Network’s Queen of Southern Cuisine, has a recipe for deep-fried cranberry sauce fritters. • Refried beans aren’t actually re-fried. Frijoles refritos, as they are called in Spanish, literally means well-fried not refried. • McDonald’s in India doesn’t sell beef patties. Indian Big Mac patties are made of vegetables with Indian spices thrown in. • It might be an urban legend, but some people claim that beetles taste like apples and crickets taste like peanuts. • Eel in a drink? You betcha! Japanese drink makers released Unagi Noboki, surging eel, one year ago this month. • The average American eats 46 slices of pizza a year.
July 13, 2009
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
1. HUMAN ANATOMY: What is the common name for tarsi? 2. ANIMAL KINGDOM: What is the average lifespan of a housefly? 3. MOVIES: What was the name of the volleyball that became Tom Hanks’ companion in “Cast Away”? 4. MEASURES: How much beer would a firkin hold? 5. MYTHOLOGY: What area of life did the Roman goddess Discordia rule? 6. BIBLE: Which of the Ten Commandments forbids thievery? 7. U.S. CITIES: What is the capital of Vermont? 8. GEOGRAPHY: What is the basic currency of North Korea? 9. ASTROLOGY: What is Libra’s symbol? 10. Literature: What famous author went by the pseudonym of “Boz”?
Page 3
• On July 15, 1888, the Bandai volcano erupts on the Japanese island of Honshu, killing hundreds and burying many nearby villages in ash. The explosive eruptions sent debris thousands of feet into the air and left an 8,000-foot-wide crater in the earth. The resulting cloud of ash and steam was estimated at 4 miles wide. • On July 18, 1925, seven months after being released from Landsberg jail, Nazi leader Adolf Hitler publishes the first volume of his personal manifesto, “Mein Kampf” (“My Struggle”). The autobiographical work soon became the bible of Germany’s Nazi Party. • On July 19, 1935, the first automatic parking meter in the U.S., the ParkO-Meter invented by Carlton Magee, was installed in Oklahoma City by the Dual Parking Meter Company. Twenty-foot spaces were painted on the pavement, and a parking meter that accepted nickels was planted in the concrete at the head of each space.
Answers 1. Ankles 2. About two to three weeks 3. Wilson 4. Nine gallons 5. Strife or disorder 6. Eighth Commandment: “You shall not steal” 7. Montpelier 8. The won 9. The scales 10.Charles Dickens
• On July 16, 1948, “Key Largo,” starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, opens in New York. The film, about a mobster holding guests hostage in a Florida hotel during a hurricane, was the last of three movies that Bogart and Bacall made together. • On July 17, 1955, Disneyland -- Walt Disney’s metropolis of nostalgia, fantasy and futurism -opens. The park was not ready for the public: food and drinks ran out, a women’s high-heel shoe got stuck in the wet asphalt of Main Street USA, and the Mark Twain Steamboat nearly capsized from too many passengers.
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
• On July 14, 1968, Atlanta Braves slugger Henry “Hank” Aaron hits the 500th home run of his career in a 4-2 win over the San Francisco Giants. Aaron retired from baseball in 1976 with 755 home runs and was later named to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
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• On July 13, 1985, at Wembley Stadium in London, Prince Charles and Princess Diana officially open Live Aid, a worldwide rock concert organized to raise money for the relief of famine-stricken Africans. The 16-hour “superconcert” was globally linked by satellite to more than a billion viewers in 110 nations. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
Page 4
July 13, 2009
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FOR WEEK OF JULY 13, 2009 ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Your Aries leadership qualities can help bring order out of all that confusion, whether it’s on the job or in the home. But be careful to guide, not goad, others into following you. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Applying a more personal view to a job-linked issue could help provide better insight into those persistent problems. Use your keen Taurean logic to cut through the doubletalk. GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Taking some time off could be the best way to get through that seemingly endless round of demands. You’ll return refreshed and ready to tackle things from a new perspective. CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Restoring a sagging professional relationship takes a lot of effort. By all means, state your position. But also make sure you pay close attention to the other person’s point of view. LEO (July 23 to August 22) A hot prospect intrigues the Big Cat, who is always on the prowl for a promising investment. But be careful that this “promise” has a chance of being kept. Check it out more carefully. VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) A friend could use some of your compassion and concern. If he or she doesn’t ask for help, be sure you step up and make the first move. Also, check out a new career possibility. LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) You might have difficulty getting your opinions heard because of all the noise being made by the other side. But hang in there. Others should line up with you once they learn the facts. SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Offering to help a colleague is commendable. But before you commit your time and effort, check to see if that person’s situation is all that he or she has led you to believe it is. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) You should soon be seeing positive results from your recent efforts on behalf of a family member. On another matter, check that you have all the facts regarding a job assignment. CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Your aspects favor closer family relationships this week. Take time for visits, whether in person, by phone, by mail or in cyberspace. Let them know how important they are to you. AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A missed opportunity isn’t always a negative. Maybe your instincts are telling you not to rush into something you “thought” was worthwhile. Make time for family this weekend. PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Your sense of humor helps you get through a tricky situation. But some stick-in-themuds might not be so willing to make the changes that you and others agree are necessary. BORN THIS WEEK: You have a gift for making everyone you know -- or even just met -- feel important and welcome in your life. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
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Financial Advice for New Parents Typical costs for a new baby can run between $11,000 and $16,000 for the first year. By the time the child turns 18, you’ll have spent more than $200,000. If you’re thinking of starting a family but the state of the economy makes you hesitate, “The Wall Street Journal Financial Guidebook for New Parents” by Stacey L. Bradford (Three Rivers Press, $14.95) offers many how-to ideas and suggestions. Here are some highlights: • Maternity leave. If you work, learn the specifics of you company’s maternity- or paternity-leave policy. It might not be what you expect. If you assume you’ll automatically get a certain amount of time off with disability payments, and you end up with no salary at all, you need to know that in advance. The size of the company dictates what it’s obligated to give you -- if anything. The Guidebook tells you your rights. • Health-care costs. Health insurance and medical care can be two of the biggest expenses you’ll have. The Guidebook explores both flexible spending accounts and health savings accounts. It’s possible, for example, to set up a FSA with pre-tax dollars to pay for day care once you go back to work. • Saving for college while you save for your own retirement. Rule of thumb: The kids can take out school loans, but you’ll need money in place for retirement. • Work versus day care. Is it really cheaper to give up your job and stay home to save on child-care costs? According to the Guidebook, day care could cost you upward of $30,000 per year, depending where you live, but if you don’t keep working you’ll also be giving up benefits, including a retirement plan. And what about when you want to return to work but can’t get back at the same salary level as when you left? • Money-saving tips for every stage of your child’s life. From making a will and setting up a guardian in case something happens to you, to the real costs of moving to the suburbs to save money and the differences between a baby sitter and an au pair -- it’s all there. This book is loaded with information for all parents, not just new ones. David Uffington regrets that he cannot personally answer reader questions, but will incorporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to columnreply@gmail.com. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
July 13, 2009
Page 5
Congratulations on Your Engagement!
Events
MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metrowide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details. KidSpree: July 18, 2009 - July 19, 2009; Bicentennial Park, Aurora. Walk through a giant maze or life-sized board game. Paint a tiny town every color under the rainbow. Climb up or bounce high into the sky. Don’t miss the 14th annual KidSpree, featuring more than 60 hands-on activities and entertainers. 10:00 am - 5:00 pm. FREE. www.AuroraGov.org Castle Rock Winefest: July 25, 2009; Wilcox and Perry Streets, Castle Rock. One third of Colorado’s wine producers will offer tastings of more than 160 varieties of Colorado wine. The art of winemaking is thriving in Colorado, from deep Merlots to elegant Rieslings, that consistently win top national and international awards. Chosen by the Colorado Wine Industry Board as one of five festival sites for its quality’; experience in tastings, demonstrations, artisans, entertainment and delicious cuisine. Enjoy today’s winemakers rebuilding a Colorado tradition at the Castle Rock Winefest. 12 noon - 6:00 pm $26 - $36. www.CaastleRockWinefest.com Highlands Ranch Concert Band: August 1, 2009 and August 22, 2009; Civic Center Park, Highlands Ranch. FREE!!!August 1st concert - children’s concert featuring tunes that the young fan will enjoy. Band members will be dressed in costumes and children can actually help conduct one of the songs! August 22nd concert - “Swing Shift” - a jazz ensemble will perform jazz and dance tunes. Bring a blanket, a picnic basket, and/or lounge chairs. (303) 683-4102. 46th Annual Colorado Scottish Festival and Rocky Mountain Highland Games: August 8, 2009 August 9, 2009; Highland Heritage Park, Littleton. Join this Celtic celebration featuring pipe bands, drumming, Scottish athletic competitions, highland dancing and folk music. Saturday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm, Sunday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. $12 - adults. $8 Children (7-11). $8 Seniors (60+). FREE for children under 6. www.ScottishGames.org 2nd Annual Songwriters Supper Under the August Moon: August 22, 2009; Sedalia. Fabulous food, tasty cocktails, silent and live auctions and amazing entertainment from some of the region’s most recognized songwriters. All proceeds go directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. $125. Call 1-800-287-3695 to sponsor or donate. www.StJude.org/songwriterssupper. Heritage Festival: August 29, 2009 - August 30, 2009; Estes Park. Take a step back into time and explore the history of Estes Park. It’s a perfect opportunity for the entire family to learn about strong pioneer mountain men and women. FREE www.EstesParkcvb.com To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com as far ahead of the event as possible.
Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www. cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm. org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www. broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www. denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free days: July 20, Aug 20, Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www. botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science 2009 Free days: Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-2987554 www.mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint. gov
Sports
Colorado Rockies - Major League Baseball • HOME RUN DERBY - July 13th 6:00 pm • 80th ALL STAR GAME in St. Louis July 14th - 6:00 pm • Padres host Rockies: Thu Jul 16, 8:05 pm, Fri Jul 17, 8:05 pm, Sat Jul 18, 8:05 pm, Sun Jul 19, 2:05 pm • Rockies host Diamondbacks: Mon Jul 20, 6:40 pm, Tue Jul 21, 6:40 pm, Wed Jul 22, 1:10 pm • Rockies host Giants: Fri Jul 24, 7:10 pm, Sat Jul 25, 6:10 pm, Sun Jul 26 1:10 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer • DC hosts Rapids: Sat Jul 18, 6:00 pm • Rapids host New York: Sat Jul 25, 7:30 pm • Rapids host Columbus: Sat Aug 1, 7:30 pm • Rapids host Chivas USA: Sat Aug 8, 7:30 pm • Chicago hosts Rapids: Sun Aug 23, 4:00 pm • Rapids host Houston: Sun Aug 30, 1:00 pm Denver Outlaws - Major League Lacrosse • MLL ALL-STAR GAME - Invesco Field July 16, 8:00 pm • Bayhawks host Outlaws: Sat July 18, 5:00 pm • FINAL HOME GAME OF SEASON Outlaws host Lizards: Sat July 25 7 pm • Lizards host Outlaws: Sat Aug 1, 5 pm • Nationals host Outlaws: Sat Aug 8, 5 pm
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Page 6
Give Your Home or Office a Facelift
Home or Office – On Site Solutions comes to YOU! While restoring and refinishing your old furniture, cabinets, counters, sinks, etc. on your own may save you money, sometimes it’s best to leave these types of projects to the professionals. Just because your have a can of stain with easy to follow directions does not mean you should attempt to refinish that beautiful dresser your Great Aunt Ida left you. Professionals not only have access to better products, but they have years of experience, skills, tools and the trained eye.
skills required.” Not only is the right technique essential to ending up with a nice wood finish, but so is having the right type of stain for the wood you are dealing with. Mr. Edwards notes that many non-professionals cannot correctly identify the type of wood they want to repair, refinish or restain. Mr. Edwards states that “Many do-it-yourselfers do not realize that when repairing wood, there is a quite a bit of manual labor involved such as sanding and buffing.”
July 13, 2009
On Site Solutions Your on site spot repair expert On Site Solutions for restoration. On Site Solutions specializes in… ON SITE repairs. This lowers their overhead which lowers their cost which they pass on to their customer. Did your dog chew on the leg of your piano? Call On Site Solutions – they can repair that leg in your home, costing only a fraction of the traditional way which was to pay someone to move the furniture to a repair shop and move it back again.
“Restoring furniture can be time consuming and challenging,” warns Mr. Edwards. “This is especially true on ornately carved pieces.” According to the National Institute of Wood Finishing, accurate restoration Jonathan Edwards, Owner of On Site involves the understanding of organic Mr. Edwards states that On Site Solutions Solutions, your on site repair and refinishing chemistry and a mastery of wood-working is THE solution when it comes to spot repair, “We also specialize in damage done expert, believes that there are some repair and wood-finishing skills. and refinishing jobs that that anyone can Another type of restoration job you should to non-moveable parts of your home and do – he even has posted tips on his web- leave to a professional from On Site office. Balustrades, handrails, doorframes, site – but that there are some projects that Solutions is ANYTHING that you cannot window frames, trim, counters, cabinets, even sinks, tubs and tile work.” should be left to a professional. afford to replace new if you botch the “If you are going to restain or restore a piece do-it-yourself job. Consequences of an The professionals at On Site Solutions of furniture that has great value, either uncorrectable mistake might cost you can save you thousands of dollars – why monetary or sentimental value, it’s best thousands or even hundreds of thousands replace when you can repair? to call a professional,” says Mr. Edwards. of dollars. Also, if that piece is no longer for Jonathan Edwards, owner of On Site “Many do-it-yourselfers will unfortunately sale, or if it would be difficult to find (and Solutions, can be reached by calling him at ‘try their hand’ at staining on an antique you don’t have the time or resources to (303) 521-3864. You can also visit his web table, only to realize they do not have the track it down), consider turning it over to site at www.OnSiteSolutions.Weebly.com
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
July 13, 2009
Page 7
WEEKLY FUNNIES
By Samantha Weaver
• Though chocolate has been around in one form or another for centuries, milk chocolate wasn’t invented until 1876. Sugar and cocoa were in short supply in Europe in those days, so an inventive candy maker in Switzerland began adding milk into the mix, since dairy products were available in abundance. • Sharks are color-blind. • Other than athletic ability, do you know what baseball player Hank Aaron, basketball player Dennis Rodman, tennis player Martina Navratilova, football player Joe Namath and track star Carl Lewis have in common? They are all vegetarians. • You probably have never heard of the World Beard and Moustache Championships, but the event really does exist, taking place every two years. Americans dominated the recent 2009 event, in Alaska; the next will take place in Norway. I don’t usually include Web links in this column, but if you have a chance, go to www.worldbeardchampionships. com to check out the bizarre photos. • You might not be surprised to learn that Brussels sprouts contain comparatively high levels of sulfur. • If you ever get the opportunity to travel Down Under, you might want to make a stop at Mount Wingen to see an unparalleled natural phenomenon. Experts say that, thanks to vast deposits of coal near the Earth’s surface, a fire has been burning continuously there for about 6,000 years. • As the Earth moves in its orbit around the sun, it travels at 18.5 miles every second. That’s 1,110 miles a minute, or 66,600 miles per hour. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: “If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think, they’ll hate you.” -- Don Marquis
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and is very excited and tense. As soon as she boards the plane, a Boeing747, she starts jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and shouting:“BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO...” Even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the pilot comes out and shouts, “BE SILENT!” There is pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry pilot. She stares at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrates really hard, and all of a sudden starts shouting:“OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...” A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, “What will you take....30 days or $30.” The man replied, “I think I’ll take the money.” Bumper Stickers • Don’t play stupid with me... I’m better at it! • This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron. • This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn’t lost one yet. • Humpty-Dumpty was pushed! • Faster than a speeding ticket! • Adults are just kids with money. • T.G.I.F - Thank God I’m Female. • You are right where you belong, behind me! • They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit mine. • Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there. • Do unto others before they do unto you. • Was today really necessary? • In theory, everything works. Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water. “Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it,” exclaimed Jesus. “I’ve seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I.” Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball.Jesus, however, was not ready to give up. “I know I can do this, Moses -- I’ve seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I.” True to form, Jesus’ ball ended up back in the water. Moses parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball. “Look, Jesus,” said Moses. “Try again if you like, but I’m not parting the water for you again.” “Fair enough, Moses,” said Jesus, “but I’ve seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnie can do it, then so can I.” Once again, Jesus’ ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to
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walk upon the water to get it. Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water. “Holy Cow!” one of them said to Moses. “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?” “No,” said Moses, rolling his eyes. “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.” A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.” Dearest Redneck Son... I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. I hope they come back soon. Like I told your dad, we shouldn’t have to wear the same clothes more than a week. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt
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Dumb Friends League 2080 South Quebec St. Call to adopt one of these or any of the other Denver, CO 80231 wonderful pets available (303) 751-5772 for $55 - $115. www.ddfl .org
Page 8
Laugh Lines! Actual Headlines From Newspapers
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
July 13, 2009
Quips & Quotes “Be conscious of your attitude. Work extra hard at keeping your attitude positive in all kinds of weather, through all the challenges of life.” - Catherine Pulsifer
• Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
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• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
The Government Assistance Expert Call Steve @ 303-880-2929
Caroline’s Interior Consignments
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
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• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
everyone can have a beautiful home. Interior Designer to help with your choices
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms • Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands • Eye Drops Off Shelf • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids • Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
INTRODUCING
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
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Quips & Quotes
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• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
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• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures • Deer Kill 17,000 • Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
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