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TIDBITS® UNEARTHS SOME FUN WHILE
DIGGIN’ THOSE DINOS by Sarah Bates
Some kids wanted to be astronauts, some wanted to be ballerinas, but then there were some, like this author, that wanted to be a Brontosaurus. This article is for the little paleontologist in all of us. • The word dinosaur was first coined by Sir Richard Owen in 1841. It is a derivative of the Greek words deinos (terrible, powerful) and sauros (lizard). The word was first published in a report to the British Association for the Advancement of Sciences in 1841. • Dinosaurs roamed Earth over 160 million years, from the Triassic (230 million years ago) to the Cretaceous (65 million years ago) period. • The earliest verifiable published record of dinosaurs was in an 1820 note by Nathan Smith in the American Journal of Science and Arts. The note described bones found by Solomon Ellsworth, Jr. while digging at his homestead in Windsor, Connecticut in 1818. The bones were first thought to be human, but were later identified as an Anchisaurus. • As of 2008, there were 1,047 discovered species of dinosaurs, though it is believed that there are still many more to be discovered. • Paleontologists believe that some of the first dinosaurs were predators that walked upright and would have been the ancestors of dinosaurs like the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Velociraptor. • Most paleontologists will agree that birds descended from early dinosaurs and small theropods. The 1998 discovery of two animals in China’s Liaoning Province further proved this theory. The fossils, which are 120 million years old, showed the animal had a small, theropod body, walked on its hind legs, had feathers on its short upper arms and tail and had a beak like mouth.
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DIGGIN’ THOSE DINOS (continued) • Dinosaur is technically an incorrect description for pterosaurs like the pterodactyl, and the aquatic plesiosaurs. The dinosaurs, pterosaurs and plesiosaurs are all orders of the Reptile class. The term dinosaur specifically refers to the terrestrial reptiles of that time. Pterosaurs and dinosaurs are
more closely related than plesiosaurs and dinosaurs, as pterosaurs and dinosaurs both fall under the infraclass Archosaur. To make it even more confusing, birds developed from the earthbound dinosaurs not the airborne pterosaurs. • Dinosaurs are placed into orders by their hip structure. Saurischians have hip structures like lizards. Ornithischians have hip structures like birds. The Saurischian order contains the familiar favorites such as the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Apatosaurus and the Ornithischian order contains the familiar Stegosaurus, Triceratops and duckbilled dinosaur Hadrosaurid. • The Saurischians were divided further into theropods and saurapods. Theropods were generally carnivorous and bipedal, meaning they walked upright. Sauropods were herbivorous quadropeds, meaning they walked on all fours. • Most dinosaurs were massive in comparison to modern animals. The only animal that surpasses is the blue whale, which averages 108 ft (32.9 m) and 190 tons. The Argentinosaurus did beat out the blue whale in length, averaging 123 ft (37 m), but weighed less than half as much as the blue whale. However, the Argentinosaurus was the heaviest of the dinosaurs. • The pterosaur Quetzylcoatlus (named after the Aztec god Quetzalcoat) had the largest wingspan of any animal to ever live. It measured it 30-45 ft (9-14 m). • What is the name of the fast, ferocious and carnivorous dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? If you said Velociraptor, you’re right and wrong. That is what they called it the di-
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nosaur in the film, but that dinosaur was Are bill collectors not a Velociraptor. That dinosaur is actuharassing you? ally called Deinonychus, Greek for “terrible claw.” Actual Velociraptors were about the WE SUE BILL COLLECTORS! size of chickens. www.FightYourDebt.net • Ancestors of dinosaurs may have been Theocodonts, which were long-jawed and John Cimino, Attorney tailed, low to the ground and carnivorous. They looked similar to modern crocodiles, 303-830-7274 except on a much larger scale. died off without plants to eat, followed by • Fossils of some of the world’s first dinothe carnivores. saurs have been found in Madagascar. These fossils date from the Triassic period. • The Alvarez theory was first published in the journal Science in 1980. The theory One of the first dinosaurs was the Eoraphad few supporters until the discovery of tor, “dawn plunderer.” This raptor was a the Chicxulub Impact crater on the Yutheropod about the size of a dog. catan Peninsula in Mexico. The Chicxulub • A lot of us grew up familiar with the Broncrater, 110 mi (180 km) in diameter, was tosaurus, and like with Pluto, it’s a little discovered by geophysicist Glen Penfield disheartening to hear either isn’t what we while looking for oil in the Yucatan. Penthought they were. But, unlike Pluto, the field discovered the crater in about 1978, Brontosaurus wasn’t reclassified so much but it didn’t garner much attention until as just misnamed and mixed up. See, it all about 1990. started in 1879 when paleontologist Othniel Marsh stuck the wrong head on the • There is also a multiple impact hypothesis that suggests several other impact craters wrong body and dubbed it Brontosaurus. (in England, the Ukraine, etc.) were made It was actually an Apatosaurus with a Caabout the same time as the Chicxulub cramarasaurus head. In 1989, the debate of ter. which name was correct came to a head when the U.S. Postal Service planned to • Are dinosaurs still around? Some people use the Brontosaurus on a postage stamp. believe Nessie the Loch Ness monster is It was also at this time that the head switch actually a plesiosaur. There are also those was discovered. Technically, the name Apwho claim to have spotted “ropens” in and atosaurus is correct as it was used first, around Papua New Guinea and believe making Brontosaurus a synonym. the creature to be a pterosaur. Strange creatures have been caught in fishermen’s • In 1980, it was physicist Luis Alvarez and nets, but like Nessie, most scientists dub son, geologist Walter Alvarez, that prothese sightings as lore without hard scienposed a 4-9 mi (6-15 km) diameter astific evidence. As of today, the only living, teroid hit the earth about 65 million years verifiable dinosaurs are birds. Think about ago. The impact would have scattered that the next time you eat a chicken sanddebris high into the atmosphere, creating wich. a cloud of dust that would have encircled the globe and blocked the sun for months, The Garden maybe even years. The impact and subChristian Bookstore sequent shock waves, would have caused Buy - Sell* megatsunamis, earthquakes, volcanic New Used - Consign eruptions and an extreme greenhouse ef6801 S Emporia St #107 fect. All of this would have hindered plant (Arapahoe S. of Shane Co.) growth, setting off a chain of events that Donations www.GardenChristianBookstore.com would have led to the ultimate extinction Pick up available (720) 436-0095 of the dinosaurs. Herbivores would have *with approval
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Your Home is Beautiful! Driveways - Patios - Retaining Walls
1. GEOGRAPHY: What two bodies of water does the Strait of Hormuz link? 2. GEOLOGY: What kind of land form is described as a flat-topped hill with steep sides? 3. LITERATURE: The term Bildungsroman is used to describe what kind of novel? 4. SPORTS: What is the lightest weight classification in boxing? 5. AD SLOGANS: What company introduced the slogan, “We answer to a higher authority”? 6. TELEVISION: What phrase was on the UFO poster in Agent Mulder’s office in “The X-Files”? 7. MOVIES: In which movie was the following line uttered, “Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl”? 8. LANGUAGE: “Jarhead” is slang for what kind of military personnel? 9. MUSIC: What kind of musical instrument is a sitar? 10. MEDICINE: What would a patient with “ankylosis” be suffering from? Answers 1. Persian Gulf and Gulf of Oman 2. A butte 3. A novel that deals with the growth of the main character 4. Straw weight (maximum 105 pounds) 5. Hebrew National 6. I Want to Believe 7. “The Devil Wears Prada” 8. A U.S. Marine 9. Indian lute 10. A stiff joint (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
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• On Aug. 23, 1784, four counties in western North Carolina declare their independence as the state of Franklin. In defiance of Congress, Franklin survived as an independent nation for four years with its own constitution, Indian treaties and legislated system of barter in lieu of currency. • On Aug. 21, 1903, America’s first transcontinental auto race, stretching from New York City to San Francisco, is completed. The race was finished by Tom Fetch and M.C. Karrup in two Model F Packards, which traveled an average of 80 miles per day for 51 days. • On Aug. 20, 1911, a dispatcher in the New York Times office sends the first telegram around the world via commercial service. The message left New York at 7 p.m. After it traveled more than 28,000 miles, being relayed by 16 different operators, the reply was received by the same operator 16.5 minutes later. • On Aug. 19, 1921, TV producer Gene Roddenberry, best known as the creator of “Star Trek,” is born in El Paso, Texas. Although “Star Trek” ran for only three years and never placed better than No. 52 in the ratings, Roddenberry’s scifi series became a cult classic and spawned four television series and nine movies. • On Aug. 22, 1935, author Annie Proulx is born in Norwich, Conn. Her second novel, “The Shipping News,” about an out-of-luck journalist and father who rebuilds his life after moving to Newfoundland, won the Pulitzer Prize. • On Aug. 17, 1969, the grooviest event in music history -- the Woodstock Music Festival -- draws to a close after three days of peace, love and rock ‘n’ roll in upstate New York. A total of 186,000 tickets had been sold, but close to half a million people showed up. • On Aug. 18, 1977, Gordon Sumner (better known as Sting), Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers give their first performance as The Police at a nightclub in Birmingham, England. Sting, nicknamed for a black and yellow shirt he frequently wore to his early gigs, was born in Newcastle, England. Before becoming a full-time musician, he worked as a teacher and ditch digger. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
FOR WEEK OF AUGUST 17, 2009
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) A chaotic atmosphere taxes the patience of the Aries Lamb, who prefers to deal with a more orderly environment. Best advice: Stay out of the situation until things settle. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Tension runs high in both personal and workplace relationships. This can make it difficult to get your message across. Best to wait until you have a more receptive audience. GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) This is a good time to take a break from your busy schedule to plan for some well-deserved socializing. You could get news about an important personal matter by the week’s end. CANCER (June 21 to July 22) An offer of help could come just when you seem to need it. But be careful about saying yes to anything that might have conditions attached that could cause problems down the line. LEO (July 23 to August 22) Sometimes a workplace colleague can’t be charmed into supporting the Lion’s position. That’s when it’s time to shift tactics and overwhelm the doubter with the facts. VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) You continue to earn respect for your efforts to help someone close to you stand up to a bully. But be careful that in pushing this matter you don’t start to do some bullying yourself. LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Don’t ask others if they think you’re up to a new responsibility. Having faith in your own abilities is the key to dealing with a challenge. P.S.: That “private” matter needs your attention. SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) This is a good time to use that Scorpian creativity to come up with something special that will help get your derailed career plans back on track and headed in the right direction. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) While change is favored, it could be a good idea to carefully weigh the possible fallout as well as the benefits of any moves before you make them. CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) The Goat continues to create a stir by following his or her own path. Just be sure you keep your focus straight and avoid any distractions that could cause you to make a misstep. AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A colleague’s demands seem out of line. But before reacting one way or another, talk things out and see how you might resolve the problem and avoid future misunderstandings. PISCES (February 19 to March 20) A personal matter appears to be making more demands on your time than you feel you’re ready to give. See if some compromise can be reached before things get too dicey. BORN THIS WEEK: You’re able to communicate feelings better than most people. Have you considered a career in the pulpit or in politics? (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
INTRODUCING
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
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Health Savings Accounts
Health Savings Accounts offer a way to put aside money for medical expenses with pre-tax dollars. Not everyone qualifies for an HSA, but for those who do, it can be a way to save money and reduce your taxes. The main requirement for an HSA is that you have a high-deductible health insurance policy, and that it is your only coverage. High-deductible policies are those with deductibles of more than $1,150 for individuals and $2,300 for families. One of the benefits of a high-deductible health policy is lower premium costs. Another requirement is the cap on your out-of-pocket annual expenses (including deductibles and co-payments). For individuals that amount is $5,800 and $11,600 for families. Annual contributions to an HSA are limited to $3,000 for individuals and $5,950 for families. For those age 55 or older who want to start an HSA and catch up on contributions, an additional $1,000 is allowed. You must be under age 65 and not claimed as a dependent on anyone else’s tax return. If you spend the money during the year on qualified medical expenses, the distributions are tax free. However, if you spend the funds for non-medical expenses before you reach age 65, you’ll have to pay the taxes on that money as well as a 10 percent penalty. After that age, you only pay the taxes. Three big benefits: You can take your HSA with you if you change jobs or health insurance policies. The money rolls over from year to year and accumulates. You can use the money for things your medical insurance might not cover, such as dental and eye care. Signing up for an HSA is easy. Sign up through a bank or an insurance company. The hard part is deciding on the insurance policy itself, and that’s where an adviser can come in handy. For tax information, look for Internal Revenue Service Publication 969. (Note that the qualifying deductible and outof-pocket expenses still show the lower figures for 2008, and they haven’t begun calculating for 2009 yet.) For 2010, the maximum contribution amounts will be $3,050 for an individual and $6,150 for a family. The catch-up amount for those 55 and older will be unchanged at $1,000. David Uffington regrets that he cannot personally answer reader questions, but will incorporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to columnreply@gmail.com. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
August 17, 2009
Events
MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metrowide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details. Highlands Ranch Concert Band: August 22, 2009; Civic Center Park, Highlands Ranch. FREE!!! “Swing Shift” - a jazz ensemble will perform jazz and dance tunes. Bring a blanket, a picnic basket, and/or lounge chairs. (303) 683-4102. 2nd Annual Songwriters Supper - Under the August Moon: August 22, 2009; Sedalia. Fabulous food, tasty cocktails, silent and live auctions and amazing entertainment from some of the region’s most recognized songwriters. All proceeds go directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. $125. Call 1-800-287-3695 to sponsor or donate. www.StJude.org/ songwriterssupper. 3rd Annual Jazz Festival: August 28, 2009; Town Hall ARts Center, Littleton. The Littleton Jazz Foundation presents the 3rd Annual Jazz Festival 6:00 pm - 10:00 pm. If you like the tradition of jazz music presented by Basie, Ellington, and Brubeck, this concert is for you. Four top shelf jazz groups from the Denver area, including Purnell Stenn and Le Jazz Machine; the Ellyn Rucker Quartet, featuring saxophonist Rich Chiarluce; the Keith Oxman Quartet; and the Metropolitan Jazz Orchestra, an 18 piece big band. Tickets - $25 general admission and $20 seniors and students. To order call (303) 794-2787 or go online to www.TownHallArtsCenter.com Life Changing Creation/Evolution Seminar: August 29, 2009; CHolly Cross Lutheran Church, Corner of Foothills Canyon Pkwy across from the West Rec. Center in Highlands Ranch. FREE WILL DONATION. Saturday August 29th; 9 am - 12 pm Refreshments served. Bring the kids! Heritage Festival: August 29, 2009 - August 30, 2009; Estes Park. Take a step back into time and explore the history of Estes Park. It’s a perfect opportunity for the entire family to learn about strong pioneer mountain men and women. FREE www.EstesParkcvb.com 33rd Annual Colorado Balloon Classic: September 5, 2009 September 7, 2009; Memorial Park, Manitou Springs. More than 100 balloons will be launched and the largest and oldest hot air balloon festival in Colorado, held in Colorado Springs. Entertainment and Concessions will be available at this FREE event. www.BalloonClassic.com 2009 Annual Pumpkin Festival: October 10, 2009 - October 11, 2009; Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield, Littleton. 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. $5 Adults, $4 Member, $2 Child, $2 Member Child - ANY CHILD IN COSTUME = FREE. 5 Acre Pumpkin Patch - Crafts, Food and Events. www.BotanicGardens.org To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com as far ahead of the event as possible.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
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Free Events
Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-2794591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free days: Aug 20, Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science 2009 Free days: Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov
Sports
Colorado Rockies - MLB • Nationals host Rockies: Tue Aug 18, 5:05 pm, Wed Aug 19, 5:05 pm, Thu Aug 20, 5:05 pm • Rockies host Giants: Fri Aug 21, 7:10 pm, Sat Aug 22, 6:10 pm, Sun Aug 23, 1:10 pm, Mon Aug 24, 6:40 pm • Rockies host Dodgers: Tue Aug 25, 6:40 pm, Wed Aug 26, 6:40 pm, Thu Aug 27, 1:10 pm • Giants host Rockies: Fri Aug 28, 8:15 pm, Sat Aug 29, 7:05 pm, Sun Aug 30 2:05 • Rockies host Mets: Tue Sep 1, 6:40 pm, Wed Sept 2, 6:40 pm, Thu Sep 3, 1:10 pm • Rockies host Diamonbacks: Fri Sep 4, 7:10 pm, Sat Sep 5, 6:10 pm, Sun Sep 6, 1:10 pm • Rockies host Reds: Mon Sep 7, 1:10 pm, Tue Sep 8, 6:40 pm, Wed Sep 9, 6:40 pm, Thu Sep 10, 1:10 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer • Chicago hosts Rapids: Sun Aug 23, 4:00 • Rapids host Houston: Sun Aug 30, 1:00 Colorado Avalanche - NHL • Avalanche host Sharks; Thus Oct 1, 7:30 pm TICKETS ON SALE NOW Denver Broncos - NFL • PRESEASON Broncos at Seattle; Sat Aug 22, 7:30 pm Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League • PRESEASON Mammoth hosts San Jose, Sat Dec 20 7:00 pm
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Aurora Business and Professional Women On August 26, 1920, the 19th Amendment to the United States Constitution was passed. The 19th Amendment gave the right to vote to over 50% of the population of this country – women. One of the factors in getting this amendment to pass was the National Federation of Business and Professional Women’s Club (BPW) founded in July 1919. Three major issues shaped BPW’s legislative agenda; elimination of sex discrimination in employment, the principle of equal pay, and the right to vote for women. While the passage of the 19th amendment granted women the right to vote, the BPW is still working hard for equal pay for equal work and the elimination of sex discrimination in employment. During the 1930’s, the BPW worked to prohibit legislation or directives denying jobs to married women. BPW lobbied successfully to legislatively end the legal practice of workplace preference for unmarried persons and, in the case of married persons, preference for males. During the 1940’s and the start of World War II, BPW developed a classification system for women with specialized skills critical to the war effort and supported the formation of women’s branches of the Armed Forces. Immediately following he war, the Women’s Pay Act of 1945, the first ever legislation to require equal pay, was introduced in the U.S.
Dear Tidbits Readers: Tidbits - Denver Metro Area can now place your display or classified ad in over 300 papers across the country! Papers such as: American Classifieds; Penny Saver; Thrifty Nickel; and other Tidbit publications throughout the USA. There is no need to contact each paper individually to place an ad. PRIVATE PARTY ADS - start at $12.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. B U S I N E S S / COMMERCIAL ADS - start at $18.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. Email us at Classifieds@ TidbitsOfDenver.com or call us at (303) 6881987 to place your ad today
Congress. It would take another 18 years before an equal pay bill would make it to the President’s desk to be signed into law.
pay equity referendum, implementing $34 million in increases for employees in female and minority-dominated jobs.
The BPW Foundation was incorporated in 1956, creating a branch to provide research information, career development programs, and scholarships to disadvantaged women, workshops and other training opportunities. The establishment of “Status of Women” commissions in the US in 1963 was due largely to BPW efforts. President Kennedy recognized BPW’s leading role in securing passage of the Equal Pay Act by giving BPW’s National President the first pen he used when signing the Act into law.
Continuing with BPW’s focus on workplace issues, BPW lobbied Congress for passage of the Family and Medical Leave Act. After nearly a decade, the FMLA passed in 1993. Social Security Reform became a frontburner issue for BPW in 1999 and continues to be an issue BPW follows closely. The wage gap contributes to a $200,000 loss in social security benefits to the average woman. BPW continues to be branded as the premiere grassroots organization addressing the wage gap.
BPW intensified efforts to eliminate discrimination based on sex and marital status in credit, capital, and insurance practices during the 1970’s. A legislative strategy was developed to achieve the Congressional votes needed and the BPW Political Action Committee was formed in 1979 to endorse federal candidates. During the ‘80’s, the BPW tackled “comparable worth” by calling for newspapers to stop the occupational segregation in classified ads. Numerous state and municipal governments revamped their pay scales, recognizing dissimilar jobs may not be identical, but may be comprised of tasks, educational requirements, experience and other characteristics that are equivalent or comparable. In 1986, San Francisco became the first in the nation to approve a
The Aurora BPW presents “Aurora City Council Up Close and Personal” on September 3, 2009, at St. Andrew’s Village, 13801 E Yale Ave in Aurora. This event begins at 5:30 pm for 30 minutes of networking followed by a dinner and a round table discussion by current City Council members and Candidates. Each participant will have 3 minutes. It is up to each participant to determine how they would like to use their time. The object is to inform the voters about Aurora City Council - what it is and how it works as well as informing citizens about what issues are facing each Ward and that all comes together at Council meetings. The cost is $20 per person – to RSVP contact Aurora BPW President Felicia Stanton at (303) 807-4973 or send an email to FeliciaStanton@comcast.net
Email Classifieds@TidbitsOfDenver.com E D U C AT I O N
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EMPLOYMENT
Part Time Sales Help Needed IMMEDIATELY! Work from home. Flexible Hours. Computer skills desired. Call 303-888-0321 or email leti@ ledawebworks. com
August 17, 2009
Call (303) 688-1987
EMPLOYMENT
ADPOTION
LEGAL
TRUCKS
$500 A DAY FROM HOME… rendering a simple and easy service to homeowners and businesses in your area. Great for men or women. Steady, repeat business in good times or bad. Be your own boss! Work your own hours! Free Report Rush your name and address to: Dry Tech Attn: Eric Levine, Promo # CL24732, 8920 Quartz Ave, Northridge CA 91324
ADOPTION: WE CAN GIVE YOUR BABY A WONDERFUL FUTURE! Professional secure couple wishes to adopt your infant. We can help with medical/ living expenses. Completely legal. Call our attorney David Radis 800-637-2882.
DIVORCE ATTORNEY Cheap fees/flat rates. Matthew R. Osborne, PC (303) 759-7018
$500 POLICE Impounds! Cars, Trucks, Suv’s from $500! Hondas, Chevys, Jeeps, Toyotas, etc. For Listings 800-749-8116 ext 9191
HOME FOR SALE
MISCELLANEOUS
Pristine Parker Home - Canterberry Golf Course Community - Walk to Pool! 3 Bedrooms, 2 1/2 bath. Laundry on main. Fireplace, Pergo flooring, new carpet. Dishwasher, Refrigerator, Stove, Microwave. Priced to Sell. Call for your showing today Fred Raines, Home Real Estate 303.981.8499 or 303.858.8100
WANT TO Purchase minerals and other oil/gas interests. Send details to: P.O.Box 13557, Denver, CO 80201
CARS Do you need a car? No qualifying! (303) 289-5600 Lockhardt Sales and Leasing
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area
August 17, 2009
WEEKLY FUNNIES
By Samantha Weaver • It was American humorist, writer and television host Sam Levenson who related the following remembrance: “It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.’” • The Associated Press recently reported on a kind act gone terribly awry. An Israeli woman surprised her mother by having her old mattress hauled away and replacing it with a brand-new one. When the mother returned home and discovered what had happened, she was terribly distraught. It seems the woman had been hiding money in the old mattress for years -- about $1 million. • According to a survey conducted in 2008, 15 percent of American men spend more than an hour in the bathroom every day. Unsurprisingly, the number of women who spend that long in the bathroom is much higher, at 38 percent. • It’s been reported that whenever he traveled, French philosopher, mathematician, scientist and writer Rene Descartes brought with him a doll named after his daughter, Francine. • The most common surname in the United States is Smith, followed, in order, by Johnson, Williams and Jones. • A man in Sandusky, Ohio, evidently had a rat problem in his home -- and had a novel way of dealing with it. It seems that whenever he saw -- or thought he saw -- a rat, he would shoot it. This method didn’t always work the way he planned, however. He once shot himself in the foot. On another occasion, he mistook his wife’s hat for one of the pesky rodents and shot it. Unfortunately, the hat was on her head at the time, and the man was charged with negligent assault. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Thought for the Day: “Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to to hide them.” -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!” “That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.” The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelt p-u-t or pu-t-t?’’ she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,’’ he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.” It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!” The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?” Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”. The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?” The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!” The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.” The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!” The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.” The Private replied, “Good trade sir!”
Page 7
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and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed. Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?” The other three agreed. The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.” The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.” The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.” The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret...” Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job” Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!” Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.” Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.” This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.” The friend asks, “How so?” “My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I “Will the nine hundred students who went keep having these alternating recurring to move fourteen cars return to class.” dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigA group of psychiatrists were attending a wam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong convention. Four of them decided to leave, with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
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Dumb Friends League 2080 South Quebec St. Call to adopt one of these or any of the other Denver, CO 80231 wonderful pets available (303) 751-5772 for $55 - $115. www.ddfl.org
Page 8
Laugh Lines! Actual School Excuses...
• Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. • Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. • Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault. • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. • Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. • Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. • My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. • Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. • Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. • Please excuse Blanche from jim today. • Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. • Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. • Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. • My son is under a doctor’s care and shouldn’t take PE today. Please execute him. • Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time. • Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.
Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area Quips & Quotes “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” - Author Unknown
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August 17, 2009
What’s In It For Me?
Most Popular Programs from Stimulus Package Explained Join us for a round table where you will hear, in a no-pressure environment, explanations and howto’s for the most popular stimulus benefits. Some of the topics to be discussed: • Revised Cash for Clunkers Program • First Time Home Buyers Credit • Making Work Pay Credit • New & Improved Education Credits Learn how some of these can be utilized now! Learn two ways to get the First Time Home Buyers Credit early. Learn some of the traps and limits with these credits. Some benefits have deadlines - Don’t miss out! Offered on Tuesdays at 6PM or Saturdays at 1PM 08/18/09 – 09/29/09 See our website for details Limited seating, reservations recommended www.afsnodebt.com (303) 745-3962 Brought to you by Aurora Financial Services, LLC
Quips & Quotes
“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?” - Stephen Levine
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