Family connections summer 2013

FamilyConnections The BC Council for Families Magazine Summer 2013

 the lgbtq issue  Different families, different challenges

pg. 18

LGBTQ Families: Getting to Know Us

pg. 10

coming out: a review for service providers

pg. 14

Council for Families

FamilyConnections

editor Tina Albrecht art director & design Tina Albrecht contributors Alan Stamp, Bonnie Yeung, Cara Hykawy, Joel Kaplan, Rachel Epstein, Tina Albrecht subscriptions By membership with the BC Council for Families. www.bccf.ca Family Connections is published four times per year by the BC Council for Families.

Opinions expressed are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the Council, its members or funders. #208 – 1600 West 6th Ave Vancouver, bc v6J 1R3 t 604 678 8884 e editor@bccf.ca www.bccf.ca Established in 1977, the BC Council for Families is a registered non-profit society.

Registration #0488189-09-28 issn#1195-9428

volume 17, issue 2 summer 2013

Focus 10 LGBTQ Families: Getting to Know Us Rachel Epstein provides a window into the family planning issues of LGBTQ individuals.

Rachel Epstein 16 Coming Out: A Review For Service Providers Professionals working with LGBTQ youth can play a vital role in their lives.

Alan Stamp

Departments 3 From the Editor’s Desk 4 News & Notes

officers of the society Sylvia Tremblay · President, Fraser Victor Zhou · Treasurer, Vancouver Coastal Joel Kaplan · Executive Director

6 Toolbox

board of directors Sultan Almajil · Interior Deb Day · Island Karl Eberle · North Tim Fairgrieve · Vancouver Coastal Aaron Francis · Interior Lynn Locher · North Sandra Routledge · Vancouver Coastal John Thornburn · Fraser Katie Tichauer · Vancouver Coastal Jay Timms · Fraser

8 Connections Dara Parker Executive Director of Qmunity, Vancouver’s foremost ‘social profit’ for queer communities.

© 2013 BC Council for Families

2 Family Connections Summer 2013

7 Good to Know

18 Balancing Act What’s it like to grow up in an LGBTQ family?

19 Final Word How can we promote diversity in the workplace and beyond?

From the Editor’s Desk

A few weeks ago while on a bit new LGBTQ families are currently facing. For of a summer vacation I had a individuals who identify as LGBTQ, starting conversation in passing with a a family isn’t something that just happens. mother who had just taken her 10 year It is often a very thoughtful and challenging old child to a “family friendly” comedy process. Rachel Epstein explains to us that show. This perturbed mother shared there are a variety of ways that families with me the fact that, as far as she was are created by individuals who identify as concerned the comedian wasn’t family LGBTQ and she takes us through the ins and friendly at all because he had broached outs of starting a LGBTQ led family. the topic of people and families who identify as LGBTQ, this was obviously NOT What about helping a youth through the family friendly content! While we talk the coming out process? Alan Stamp, Clinical talk about being accepting and inclusive Director of Jewish Family Service Agency are we really walking the walk if we aren’t provides an insightful guide (pg. 16) to willing to talk to our children about LGBTQ creating a supportive environment for youth families and communities? to feel comfortable within. We also have the pleasure of reading along on pg. 18 as Nick So where do we get started? As a Larson shares his experience being raised in community organization – ensuring that a family with two moms. your programs and spaces are welcoming to all types of families is a great first step. Here It is my hope that you find this issue to be at the BC Council for Families we have been informative and that the content enhances watching as our families and communities your daily work with families. Thank you for grow and change and in response to these reading! As always, if you have comments, changes we have developed a suite of questions, or suggestions about anything resources and a training (more information you read in Family Connections, just drop on pg. 4) to help bring awareness to me a line at editor@bccf.ca. professionals working with families about how they can better serve LGBTQ communities, create inclusion and welcome families into their organizations.

In this issue of Family Connections we want to help you to start walking the walk. Dara Parker, the Executive Director of Qmunity has been working to towards creating inclusive cities for over 15 years. On pg. 8 she shares with us her thoughts on changes that LGBTQ communities have been through and some of the challenges that

Tina Albrecht, Editor

Summer 2013 Family Connections 3

News & Notes

From left to right: Janet Austin, Carol Matusicky, Marnie Marley; Barbara Grantham, Michael McKnight

career to serving families in BC and beyond, and for championing the BC Council for Families as a unique resource for communities and organizations across the province.

Additionally, it was announced that an endowment fund was established in Carol’s name at the Vancouver Foundation. This fund is aptly titled, Carol’s Fund. The afternoon of celebration culminated in an appetizer reception where drinks, food, and a long line to take photos with Carol were the highlights.

Thank you to everyone who joined us in celebrating Carol, we had an excellent time, and we hope you did too!

Joel Kaplan & Carol Matusicky

A Celebration of Carol in Pictures

Creating Inclusive Programs and Services

On June 7, 2013 the staff at the BC Council for Families came together with our many friends and valued supporters to celebrate former BC Council for Families Executive Director, and renowned family advocate, Carol Matusicky. Following a rousing opening number – a rendition of “When the Babes Go Marching In” performed by the Burnaby Babes, Carol was honoured for her Lifetime of Distinguished Service to Families by her family, friends, and past and present colleagues. Carol was toasted for her dedication throughout her illustrious

Welcoming LGBTQ people and families intro programs and services can mean taking practical steps such as re-designing intake forms, putting up posters, or incorporating books that reflect diversity. Want to be informed about LGBTQ issues? Don’t know where to start? We have compiled several informative tip sheets with lots of different information in regards to the LGBTQ community. Download tip sheets covering topics such as: LGBTQ terminology, LGBTQ resources in your community, the different ways LGBTQ people can form families and

4 Family Connections Summer 2013

have children, and how the Family Law Act affects LGBTQ families. Additionally, we are offering access to a resource-book that addresses the issues of what is means to be an LGBTQ-positive service provider, and how you can create a LGBTQ positive space.

Access these resources today!

R is for Resiliency Resiliency is quickly becoming a buzzword in the field of family life education. Being resilient means that you have the ability to “bounce back” after various challenges that life throws your way. Not only do resilient people overcome obstacles in their lives, but also, as they recover, they become stronger, wiser, and better equipped to deal with future challenges. It is important to foster resiliency in children and youth, and no one knows this better than someone who has worked extensively with families.

In May we released a new Voices of Family podcast entitled ‘R is for Resiliency’. In part one of this two-part podcast, Program Director and Certified Canadian Family Educator David Sheftel gets to know April Devoy, MSW, and Reaching IN… Reaching OUT (RIRO) facilitator. After becoming interested in the topic of resiliency while working as a supervisor at the Childcare Learning Centre at Guelph University, April

From left to right: Allan Mirabelli, Carol Matusicky, Hillel Goelman, Nora Spinks; Carol Matusicky, Linda Reid

Connect with readers.

Connect with families.

Advertising in Family Connections is a great way to showcase your events or services. Family Connections helps you get your message out to family service professionals all across BC. special member rates To book your advertisement, contact: Tina Albrecht, tinaa@bccf.ca

took the initiative to bring the RIRO program to British Columbia.

Listen in as April discusses how she became a resiliency advocate, how resiliency or lack thereof, can affect children and adults alike, and some real examples of parents and children she has worked with who have benefited from learning about resiliency.

LGBTQ Families: New Training Over the past decade LGBTQ families in Canada have made significant progress in getting more legal rights and gaining social acceptance. But with a myriad of misconceptions floating around it is important that we, as professionals, know the facts and take steps to ensure that our organizations, programs, and events are LGBTQ friendly and inclusive. The Council has been working with LGBTQ parenting author Rachel Epstein to bring a unique training to British Columbia.

This training, Welcoming & Celebrating Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity in Families: From Preconception to Preschool, is an in-depth, one-day training for professionals who are working with LGBTQ families or who want to ensure that their programs and agencies are receptive to LGBTQ families.

Welcoming LGBTQ families into programs and services can mean taking practical steps such as re-designing intake forms, putting up posters, or incorporating books that reflect

diversity. It can also mean deepening your understanding of how assumptions about gender, sexuality, and family composition shape your everyday practice.

In this training you will: • Increase understanding of the social and historical context within which LGBTQ people create families and raise children • Reflect on common barriers to effective work with LGBTQ families • Clarify commonly used terms, definitions, and language related to LGBTQ identities and communities • Develop awareness of particular challenges facing LGBTQ parents and their children, including commonly held negative misconceptions about the impact of children having LGBTQ parents • Explore some practical suggestions for making programs and services more accessible and welcoming to LGBTQ people This workshop will be offered twice this Fall: Vancouver September 23 2013 Van Dusen Botanical Gardens Register today!

Victoria September 25 2013 University of Victoria Register today!

Our next ad deadline is September 30, 2013.

HealthyFamilies!

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• New research • Policies and programs • Reports and statistics • Trainings and professional development • Events and updates from the BC Council for Families Free! Delivered to your desktop every Monday.

Subscribe online: www.bccf.ca

Summer 2013 Family Connections 5

Toolbox

reader reviews  What

have you been reading lately? To contribute a review, contact us at editor@bccf.ca

Giving children the opportunity to learn about different family compositions is a great way to ensure that both they and their parents get the message that your organization is one in which all sexual orientations and gender expressions are valued, and they may learn to be more open to difference themselves. The following are two such children’s books.

A tale of two Mommies.  Written

by Vanita Oelschlager and illustrations

by Mike Blanc.

In this book you see and read a conversation between three children about what it’s like to have two moms and how their roles are distributed. The children ask questions like "Which mom coaches your T-ball team?

Which mom's there when you've had a bad dream?" The boy answers, " Mommy is the coach of my T-ball team. Both mommies are there when I've had a bad dream".

Children are great at asking questions that adults may not be able to. I also think the illustrations are wonderful and playful. Not showing any faces of the parents. It shows that the focus is on the children having a great conversation and the child's pride in his family. This book shows how distinctive gender roles are not necessary, and that every child wants and needs our love and support, which ever way that family is built.

6 Family Connections Summer 2013

Daddy, Papa, and Me /Mommy, Mama, and Me.

 Steven Pedersen

 Written

over 7 years. He lives and breathes in Vancouver BC

by Leslea Newman and illustrated by Carol Thompson Both of these books about families with two moms or two dads – in a board book form for toddlers – are brilliant. The rhythmic flow of the story with parents and child having fun made me want to read it over and over again. I found the illustrations colorful with a bit of mixed media. The books portrayed a positive view on family and activities that a toddler could understand. Over and over and over again. I really like the idea that we have these books to show young children what different forms of families there are in the community and to provide children with two moms or two dads a positive point of reference.

Steve has been an Early Childhood Educator for He works for the Vancouver School Board in Early Learning and StrongStart Programs and promotes literacy in any way he can.

Good to Know

What does the Canadian LGBTQ landscape look like?

In 2006 53.7% of same-sex married spouses were men, and 46.3% were women.

• 1.1% of Canadians aged 18-59 reported in 2009 that they identify as homosexual (gay or lesbian).

• 0.9% of Canadians aged 19-59 reported in 2009 that they identify as bisexual.

• There were 45,300 same-sex couples in 2006. Of these, about 7,500 (16.5%) were married couples, and 37,900 (83.5%) were common-law couples.

The 2006 Census counted same-sex couples, both married and common-law.

Half of all same-sex couples in Canada lived in the three largest census metropolitan areas (CMA): • 21.2% – the proportion of all same-sex couples who resided in Toronto.

• 18.4% – the proportion of all same-sex couples who resided in Montreal.

• 10.3% – the proportion of all same-sex couples who resided in Vancouver. http://www42.statcan.gc.ca/smr08/2011/

Gay, lesbian, and bisexual people experience more barriers to healthcare than do heterosexual people.

• Most American studies show that lesbians and bisexual women undergo preventative cancer screening tests less frequently than do heterosexual women.

• Gays, lesbians, and bisexual Canadians have different health-care-seeking behaviour than do other Canadians, independent of predisposing, enabling, and health need factors.

• Gay men, lesbians, and bisexual people were more likely than heterosexuals to consult mental health service providers.

• Disparities in health care use were particularly evident among lesbians, who are less likely to have a regular doctor, and who have lower utilization rates of GPs and Pap tests.

• Bisexuals were more likely to report unmet health care needs, compared with heterosexual Canadians.

Youth who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or questioning their sexual orientation are 3.4 times more likely to report a suicide attempt.

• Students harassed based on actual or perceived sexual orientation are more than three times as likely as students who are not harassed to make a suicide attempt.

• An estimated 28% of completed suicides are by lesbian, gay, and bisexual people.

• Over one third (37.8%) of LGBTQ students have experienced some form of physical harassment (i.e., being pushed, punched, or spat upon).

• 1 in 4 transgender people have been harassed or abused by a police officer.

• 1 in 2 transgendered people have experienced employment-related discrimination.

Safety Under the Rainbow: http://www.sutr.ca/sutr_ pdf/Language_Support_LGBT_Youth.pdf

http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/82-003-x/2008001/ article/10532-eng.htm

smr08_158_2011-eng.htm

Summer 2013 Family Connections 7

Connections

Dara Parker Executive Director of Qmunity

When individuals who identify as lesbian, gay, trans, bi, and/or queer are looking for resources in their community, their first stop is, Qmunity. Vancouver’s very own foremost ‘social profit’ for the queer community, Qmunity is a hub which utilizes their queer community program as well as training, and advocacy to work towards their vision of a world in which all people who identify as queer are free from discrimination. Dara Parker, Executive Director of Qmunity, has been working towards creating inclusive cities for over 15 years. A community planner with a background in diversity and inclusion, she began her career working in international development, and has travelled to over 45 countries, spanning 5 continents.

When it comes to furthering Qmunity’s mandate, Dara is enthusiastic about the work they’re currently doing. family connections: Tell us a little bit about your background. dara parker: I have one of those funny career paths that have incorporated lots of different kinds of work and a common thread has been a passion for social justice issues, diversity and inclusion. I’m formally trained as an urban planner. My Masters is in planning, with a focus on international development and social policy. My work experience is split between the non-profit world and policy development. And so, the passion that 8 Family Connections Summer 2013

brought me to Qmunity is a drive to build more inclusive cities, create safer spaces for all people and as a clearly identified woman who has always been a feminist and passionate about gender issues, this was a natural fit. fc: You’re currently the Executive Director of Qmunity. Can you tell us about your organization? dp: Qmunity is a BC career resource center.

We are a social profit, which is what we renamed the non-profit world to start from a more positive place. We’re a social profit that delivers community programs, does education and training and does advocacy work for our communities. What this looks like is a range of different services and programs from our youth programming that delivers three weekly drop ins which provides pride-speaks and special events like career prom to our generations program which is for our older adults who are career-identified and we look at issues of isolation in the community, visibility, aging out of your home into care.

We have an STI clinic that operates out of our space, we have the largest queer book collection in our library in Western Canada.

We have a free professional counseling program, which offers over 750 hours of free counseling to community members throughout the year. We do other special events throughout the year, in addition to supporting individuals when they have challenges.

fc: Are there any emerging needs for services support that need more attention in the near future? dp: It is interesting to see evolution of queer-culture over time. Our organization was founded in 1979 so this is our 34th year, things do change quite a bit, everything from language using the word “queer” as a reclaimed term. We were a center for lesbian and gay bisexual and transgender community. Things change, evolved, a lot of Canadian changes, a lot of human rights now recognized. Same sex marriage is legalized which has been excellent. There are still many core challenges for many individuals and coming out can be an isolating and difficult process, youth still experience discrimination and bullying both in homes and schools. That is a common thread so we continue to support individuals in that sense. In terms of emerging issues, certainly trans-issues have gained more prominence; it’s the issue in our decade in this community.

Trans-rights significantly lag behind LGBTQ rights. We don’t have a comprehensive policy supporting them in the health care system.

For trans-people, there is a continuing lack of education and awareness. Also, our senior population is in many ways the first actively out senior population, but there may be the re-closeted issue because there’s a lack of awareness and institutions to support seniors (residential care homes, other supporting

There are still many core challenges for many individuals and coming out can be an isolating and difficult process, youth still experience discrimination and bullying…

services) don’t have a “queer” lens so lots of seniors choose to re-closet rather than be abused in a home. That’s a dominant issue. fc: Have you seen an increased number of LGBTQ couples that have decided to have children and become parents? dp: We don’t have any data on that so it’s anecdotal. My sense is that there are a growing number of families who are choosing to have children. I can only attribute that to the increase and change of acceptance and legal rights of same sex couples being able to adopt. Those are contributing factors as to why its perceived/actually growing. In my community, there are a lot of people who are interested in starting families/have families or who are exploring those options. fc: Do you think there are enough services for these families? Are there any needs/gaps that these new parents might need? dp: It definitely can be more challenging/more expensive up front for same sex couples to start a family. I don’t have children myself so I don’t have first hand experience but I think it may be more expensive for two men to start a family.

It may be more challenging to get a gestational surrogate, whereas having sperm donors is not as expensive or technically difficult so there are some more barriers to same sex parents having families but there are many roots too.

The thing about queer families is that they are

deliberate active choices because you don’t see “accidental pregnancies” in same sex couples. That would be very rare; there is a lot of choice, active foresight, deliberate planning and different options as a result. Some queer families want to pursue an adoptive route, whereas some want biological children so depending on the choices you make, it can be more or less difficult and or more expensive. fc: Are there any suggestions as to how we can ensure our programs and services are accepting and welcoming among LGBTQ families. Can anything be done outside? dp: We live in a very hetero-normative world.

The starting assumption is that people are straight, and most of us do it. This is done without being conscious of language we’re using. We don’t have a gender-neutral pronoun in English so making assumptions about he/she, man/woman, husband/wife would immediately potentially exclude a same-sex couple coming in for services.

Not just in print material but among staff.

Making sure staff members doing intake with clients aren’t making assumptions. Being conscious of what words you use. Ex. Using the word “partner” instead of gender-specific words and thereby opening the space so that you’re not making assumptions. Partner can be used for same-sex and straight couples so you’re not targeting for someone who you think might be gay.

In terms of promotional materials, making sure you have images reflecting more gender neutrality, so having more pictures representing gay couples and queer families in literature, making sure you have bathroom spaces which are more queer friendly.

Gender-neutral bathrooms are better for a lot of queer people, certainly for trans identified folk or gender non-conforming people who often get harassed in washrooms. fc: For those who don’t live in lower mainland area, what is the picture around the province? dp: It’s challenging; unfortunately we are the only umbrella-organization in BC and we have very limited resources. Even though we are very interested in supporting people outside metro Vancouver, the reality is that we’re limited by information and referrals. We receive requests through our websites and phone line for support so we do our best to support/refer them to other local services but our programming is restricted to metro Vancouver.

We have an ongoing directory that we’re constantly updating and revising based on feedback from clients and new programs that pop up, we act as a hub for other community resources and we do a number of referrals.

Summer 2013 Family Connections 9

Focus

lgbtq families: getting to know us

 Rachel

Epstein

Sometimes people wonder: what’s the big deal about LGBTQ families? Aren’t they just like everybody else? Well, yes, in many ways we are…

Continued…

Focus

T

he joys and challenges of parenting are pretty much the same no matter who you are, though of course all of our experiences are mediated by many factors, including where we live, our access to resources, issues of culture, race and ability, and by who is around to support us in our parenting journeys.

Understanding Difference I once read an account of a woman who is black and a woman who is white who were considering being friends. The black woman said to the white woman: “There are two things you have to do if you want to be my friend. First, you have to forget that I am black. Second, you have to never forget that I am black.”

There is wisdom in this story.

Understanding difference means holding two things at the same time: the ways that we share a common humanity and the fact that we live in an inequitable world that provides different groups of people with varying degrees of access to power, autonomy, and privilege.

When we think about parenting and families, there are many things that all parents of young children have in common.

The particular intensities of the time of trying to conceive and the years of early parenting create a connection amongst parents/caregivers of young children. But, 12 Family Connections Summer 2013

while LGBTQ parents share much with other parents and prospective parents, there are some aspects of our experience that differ.

For example, we seldom wake up pregnant.

The process of bringing children into our lives can be a long and thoughtful process, sometimes involving a heavy financial burden, complex negotiations, and false starts. While, of course, this is also true for some heterosexual people, it tends to be our common experience.

In this story, I will provide a window into the family planning issues LGBTQ people grapple with as they build families and a quick look at the family structures we are creating. Each of these also presents legal challenges – how to legally recognize and protect the children, parents and sometimes others, who require protection?

“People sometimes assume that all queer people are rich and we all use IVF to get pregnant. In fact, we make families in all kinds of ways. Some of us use fertility clinics, some of us use known donors or friends. You know, a scenario for example of ‘I didn’t have money for a more costly method, so I asked my friend Joe and he said yes.’

There is a big range of ways that people have families.’

– Stacia Stewart, queer mom

How to approach this? I could begin with the differences across the LGBTQ spectrum, about the different family planning choices available to lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and queer people ; or I could talk about family configurations: single parents, twoparent families comprised solely of a couple and their children, two-parent couple families with non-parental involvement of sperm donors or others; and co-parenting families involving more than two people as parents, including adults who are not romantically involved with one another; or I could talk about the methods by which we bring children into our lives: e.g. donor insemination, egg donation, surrogacy, adoption and heterosexual sex.

Perhaps I will begin historically, with what has come to be known as the “lesbian baby boom.” This “boom” had its origins in the early 1980s, as lesbians started to claim the right to have children outside of heterosexual relationships. In those days, many fertility clinics were not opening their doors wide to LGBTQ communities, so women did a lot of sperm running for each other. The use of a known sperm donor remains the first choice for many LGBTQ people to this day, and the issues involved are worth thinking about. The pros involve financial affordability and use of fresh (not frozen) sperm, ability to choose someone you know and have a relationship

• Like other families, LGBTQ families are structured in many ways. Some people parent alone, many parent in couples, and sometimes three or more people come together to co-parent outside of romantic relationships, creating families larger than the traditional two-parent unit.

• For LGBTQ people the road to parenthood typically involves a thoughtful process.

Decisions may differ depending on sexual orientation, gender identity, relationship status, family configuration (single, partnered, co-parenting), access to donors, racial and cultural considerations, reproductive health, and financial resources.

• Family Law in British Columbia applies to LGBTQ parents exactly as it does to straight parents. There is no law that applies to straight parents that does not apply to LGBTQ parents.

• Parents who live together are guardians, during their relationship and after their separation. A parent who has never lived with his or her child is not a guardian unless the parent is a parent because of an assisted reproduction agreement or because he or she regularly cares for the child.

Excerpts taken from LGBTQ Parents Resources For Professionals And Parents tip sheets which can be downloaded at: www.bccf.ca

with as a donor, knowledge by the child of their biological origins and potential involvement of this person in the child’s life, and a de-medicalization of the process of conception. Of course there are complexities as well: the trust and medical issues involved in the use of fresh (not quarantined) sperm, and potential conflicts over level of involvement in a child’s life When LGBTQ people are creating families through donor insemination, they must grapple with the complex issue of donor anonymity. Interestingly, it has been queer communities who have historically pushed fertility clinics and sperm banks to provide more information about donors, including extensive health and social information, and to request that sperm banks set up identity release options for donors willing to someday be contacted by adult children (Vercollone, Moss, & Moss, 1997). Perhaps this can be related to a history and culture in some queer communities of valuing and promoting honesty and truth-telling, particularly with regards to children and child-rearing.

(Epstein, 2008).

A major stumbling block to queer community support for an end to donor anonymity is the current legal ambiguity and uncertainty with regards to known sperm donors. The necessity, in many cases, of the use of donors in order to create families,

means that extra care and protection is needed to protect the integrity of queer and trans family structures.

For cisgender (non-trans) gay/bisexual/ queer (GBQ) men who want to become parents, the options most readily available are adoption, surrogacy and co-parenting with someone (or more than one person) who has the capacity to get pregnant. International adoption is currently almost completely closed to openly-identified LGBTQ people.

If one is willing to be closeted through the process, sometimes it can happen. However, both public and private domestic adoptions

LGBTQ adoption, and interviewed 43 LGBTQ adoptive parents about their experiences in the system. Several issues were particularly striking. It appears that lesbian and gay couples who come closest to resembling heterosexual couples have an easier time in the adoption system. Bisexual, trans, and single people, and those whose relationships do not resemble traditional “couples” encounter more barriers. Bisexual people, in both opposite- and same-sex relationships, often feel they have to “leave out” certain aspects of their identities in the home study process and generally encounter a lack

The process of bringing children into our lives can be a long and thoughtful process, sometimes involving a heavy financial burden, complex negotiations, and false starts. are quite possible in Canada, with many local Children’s Aid Societies, especially those located in larger urban centres, actively recruiting LGBTQ prospective parents and, in some cases, actively training staff to work more effectively with LGBTQ communities.

A recent Ontario study (Ross, et al, 2009) surveyed adoption licensees in Ontario about their policies and practices with regards to

of knowledge and understanding of their identities and experience (Eady, et al, 2009) This echoes sentiments often expressed by bisexual people about a sense of invisibility and a discounting of their experience (Ross, et al, 2012).

GBQ men interested in surrogacy as the road to parenthood are faced with the complications that all those exploring Summer 2013 Family Connections 13

14 Family Connections Summer 2013

surrogacy face – stemming both from the complexities of the process (usually involving both an egg donor and gestational surrogate) and the prohibitions of the AHRA, that make it illegal to pay egg donors, surrogates or third party helpers. A recent CIHR-funded study – Creating Our Families: A pilot study of experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people accessing Assisted Human Reproduction Services in Ontario – found that many of the people going through a surrogacy arrangement, wanted to be able to compensate their surrogate. GBQ men sometimes face additional issues involving sperm quarantine requirements that impact them unfairly in situations where, as the intended parent, they are the sperm provider, not the sperm donor, a term which implies relinquishment of parental status.

Trans people who want to have children have several options open to them. Trans men (Female to Male) are often able to conceive and carry a pregnancy, and some are doing this. As well, both trans men and women can think about preserving sperm and/or eggs/ embryos before transitioning, as a way to

we seldom wake up pregnant and because the process of bringing children into our lives often involves more than two people, LGBTQ families often look different from traditional nuclear heterosexual families. As well, we sometimes face particular challenges because of lack of acceptance from our families of origin, at work, and in the community at large.

“Similar to newcomers, LGBTQ people can’t always assume that their family of origin is going to be there to swoop in and help. It’s important to broaden your understanding of what constitutes FAMILY. Ask people what kinds of supports they have? The isolation that LGBTQ people sometimes feel is similar to what newcomers can feel – that there’s nobody there except them.” Stacia Stewart, queer mom Because some LGBTQ people do not receive support from our families or communities of origin, many create “families of choice” composed of friends, partners, companions and even ex-partners, who

Because some LGBTQ people do not receive support from our families… many create “families of choice” composed of friends, partners, companions and even ex-partners, who provide support, validation, and a sense of belonging. protect their ability to reproduce at a later time (Scheim, et al, 2012). Of course donor insemination, adoption and surrogacy are also available to trans folk, and certainly in Toronto the CAS has begun to take steps to create more openings in the adoption process for trans people. However, it is important to remember that trans people in general continue to face profound discrimination within institutions, and those who are parents or who wish to be parents are confronted regularly with questions about their right and/or ability to be “suitable” parents. These arguments have been refuted by experts and by the courts (See legal cases: Forrester vs.

Saliba, 2000; and Boyce vs. Boyce, 2004; and Murphy, 2010) but, similar to arguments made about lesbian and gay people as parents, they continue to circulate and negatively impact the people to whom they refer.

As you can see from the above, because

provide support, validation, and a sense of belonging. It is important, if you are working as a professional with LGBTQ people who are planning families, that you check in about all the people who need to be included in the process. And it is important for all of us to remember that families come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and configurations.

Eady, A., L. Ross, R. Epstein, S. Anderson.

“To Bi or Not to Bi: Bisexuality and Disclosure in the Adoption System” in Epstein, R., ed.

Who’s Your Daddy? And Other Writings on Queer Parenting. Toronto: Sumach Press, 2009.

Ross, L., R. Epstein, S. Anderson, A. Eady.

“Policy, Practice, and Personal Narratives: Experiences of LGBTQ People with Adoption in Ontario, Canada.” Adoption Quarterly 12, 2009: 272-293 Ross, L., Siegel, A., Dobinson, C., Epstein, R. & Steele, L. (2012). I don’t want to turn totally invisible: Mental health, stressors and supports among bisexual women during the perinatal period. Journal of GLBT Family Studies. 8:2, 137-154. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/155042 8X.2012.660791.

Scheim, A., M. Robinson, S. Anderson. Fact Sheet: Reproduction Options for Trans People.

Toronto: Rainbow Health Ontario, 2012. http://www.rainbowhealthontario.ca/ admin/contentEngine/contentDocuments/ Reproductive_Options_for_Trans_People_ final.pdf Vercollone, C.F., H. Moss, & R. Moss.

Helping The Stork: The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination. New York, NY: Hungry Minds, 1997. http://genesis-fertility.com/diagnostics-andtesting/same-sex-couples * Reprinted with the permission of Creating Families Magazine.

 Rachel Epstein

Rachel Epstein (MA, Sociology; PhD (c), Education)

References Epstein, R. & The AHRA/LGBTQ Working Group. The Assisted Human Reproduction Act and LGBTQ Communities. Toronto: Sherbourne Health Centre, 2008. Available at: www.lgbtqparentingconnection.ca.

has been an LGBTQ parenting activist, educator and researcher for over 20 years and coordinates the LGBTQ Parenting Network at the Sherbourne Health Centre in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She is editor of the anthology, Who’s Your Daddy? And Other Writings on Queer Parenting (Sumach Press, 2009) and in 2008 was the winner of Community One

Murphy, T. “The Ethics of Helping Transgender Men and Women Have Children.” Perspectives in Biology and Medicine 53 (1), 2010: 46-60.

Foundation’s Steinert & Ferreiro Award, recognizing her leadership and pivotal contributions towards the support, recognition and inclusion of LGBTQ families in Canada.

Summer 2013 Family Connections 15

Focus

16 Family Connections Summer 2013

• Language and terms change over time and are used differently by individuals and communities. Try and keep up with current terms, and remember that it is okay to respectfully ask which terms or pronouns people prefer.

• Sexual orientation and gender identity are not passed from parent to child. Most non-heterosexual people were raised by straight (heterosexual) parents, and most trans people by cisgender (nontrans) parents.

Excerpts taken from LGBTQ Parents Resources For Professionals And Parents tip sheets which can be downloaded at: www.bccf.ca

Coming Out: A Review For Service Providers  Alan Stamp

T

he topic of gay, lesbian or questioning Against this historical background, females at age 16. This represents a significant youth is one which can create a real coming out as a gay, lesbian, transgender change – youth are coming out up to seven stir of emotions. In Western and or questioning youth in a pre-dominantly years earlier, on average, in North America. other societies, we have had a long and heterosexual society can become an Coming out earlier doesn’t necessarily outstanding history of maltreatment of those experience fraught with potential rejection, mean that the process is easier. Twenty years who are oriented towards someone of the fear, hatred, danger and violence. Because of ago, I provided an Art Therapy seminar same sex. Many of us have externalized and fear, some youth may delay the coming out at Britannia Community Centre for what I internalized homophobia in the form of process until adulthood. In fact, coming out is thought would be a handful of gay & lesbian multiple discriminatory practices in areas such a life-long process mitigated by issues of safety youth. Over 40 youth crowded the room that as school, employment, housing and the law, and perceived levels of acceptance. However, night; many were still in their early teens. with targeted violence, bullying, hatred and recent research in the last five years has shown When a large portion of the youth had come religious condemnation – all sanctioned at that LGBTQ youth are beginning to come out to their parents, they were told that they different times by society. out at younger ages; males aged 15 – 16 and were no longer welcome in the family. Thus, Summer 2013 Family Connections 17

♂⚢⚣⚤⚥⚦ ⚣⚤⚥⚦ ⚧♀ approximately 75% were living in shelters, on friend’s couches, in the streets and in even more dire situations. Many of the youth that night drew art that reflected their fears, worries, despair and pain of having been rejected by their families, bullied in school and unwelcome in their broader community. For me, it was an unforgettable evening of how youth want and need to be accepted and included for all aspects of who they are. At young ages, they were reconciling the fact that their families had ostracized them. It represented a disturbing situation. Parents are meant to provide support and understanding to their children. This was not, however, the case for many queer youth that I spent time with that evening. They were hungry for attention, acceptance and recognition.

Service providers – therapists, social workers, youth workers, pastoral providers, teachers and others coming into professional contact with gay youth require great awareness to the multiple forms of oppression that gay and lesbian youth may experience. Professionals working with or in contact with youth can play a vital role in their lives. Service providers must understand LGBTQ issues and the possibility that the youth could have internalized homophobia, making it more complicated to be confident about their coming out process.

office is inclusive of all orientations.

• Do not assume that a youth – or any youth – is heterosexual; watch language usage; “do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend” (opposite sex) rather than asking about whether the youth is interested in “someone” or has “someone” as an intimate relationship.

• Do not assume that the youth has a family that is supportive of their orientation; it is quite possible that a youth’s family could be perpetrators of prejudice and discriminatory practices against gay and lesbian youth.

• Do not encourage a youth to disclose to family unless it is clear that they are not at risk in doing so.

What is the role of a professional service provider in their work with coming out, questioning or gay or lesbian youth?

First, it is helpful for the worker to create supportive conditions for a youth’s potential disclosure or discussion to occur.

For example: • Ensure that there is supportive information in the waiting areas or in your office related to gay/lesbian services.

• On printed office material, state that your

Taking these steps helps a youth to be confident that your office is a “safe” environment for the youth to come out or to be comfortable in talking about their orientation.

18 Family Connections Summer 2013

their family be supportive or rejecting?

Have they made disparaging comments about gay or lesbian youth or adults before?

• What would happen if the youth’s family told them to leave; does the youth have a place to go? Some money to subsist on temporarily?

• Has a safety net been discussed with the youth?

• Which family member would the youth like to tell first? Or all family at once?

• Does the youth have a family whose religious beliefs may inhibit their understanding of their child’s orientation?

• Can the service provider help the youth

Professionals working with or in contact with youth can play a vital role in their lives.

• Professionals working with youth with sexual orientation issues do not have an obligation to inform a parent or guardian.

• Do validate the youth’s feelings and thoughts – fear, loneliness, shame, excitement and anxiousness may be some of the experiences that a youth moves through towards coming to terms with being gay or lesbian or questioning.

• Offer support or offer to find appropriate support during the coming out process • Be open to discussing health and sexual behavior with the youth.

to explore the potential risks versus the benefits of coming out to the youth’s family?

• What would the youth need to do to prepare for any negative reactions from their family?

• Does the youth understand that when they come out, the family sometimes goes “into the closet”?

• Does the youth understand that for their family, they maybe feel “responsible” for their child’s orientation and that they have “done something wrong” in their childhood?

• How can the youth help the family understand that there is no blame associated with their orientation?

• Does the youth have someone to talk with and de-brief afterwards?

What else should be done?

What if a youth wants to come out to • Do validate the youth’s feelings and their family? How can I help them? thoughts – fear, loneliness, shame, A professional service provider can help a youth excitement and anxiousness may be some in several ways with thoughtful questions: of the experiences that a youth moves • Inquire about the youth’s family – would through towards coming to terms with

♀

being gay or lesbian or questioning.

• Offer support or offer to find appropriate support during the coming out process.

• Be open to discussing health and sexual behavior with the youth.

• Are there any implications about coming out and being at school? Is there a threat of violence?

• Is there a concern about bullying or maltreatment in the school?

• What plans are made to address bullying with a service or other worker?

• As much as is possible, try to be nonjudgmental; if the service provider is “out of their element” or uncomfortable in working with gay or lesbian youth, immediately refer to someone who is competent in that area.

• Ensure that the youth does not feel judged for their orientation; so important!

• Youth dislike being labeled or understood as being at-risk or immoral; such misconceptions create barriers to establishing a helping relationship with the youth.

• Like all youth, lesbian or gay youth wish to be treated with respect and confidentiality.

This is of critical importance, as these youth may have no other safe places to turn to.

• Remember that sexuality is merely one characteristic that defines identity.

Some suggestions for youth who decide to come out: • Talk this out with a close friend or counsellor, if possible; practice what you wish to say and be ready for the unexpected responses – parents may react with tears, denial, shock, acceptance, happiness, relief or another response that you didn’t expect.

• If you are in a relationship, let other people – including family, if appropriate – get to know your boyfriend or girlfriend for a time first before you come out.

• Are you feeling content, safe, calm, confident and happy with yourself?

That may be a good time to come out; feeling negative and unsure is a time when coming out to others may be more trying and difficult.

• Assert that you are expecting that it may take time for family or others to understand what your coming out means to them.

• It’s natural for others to have questions for you when you come out; answer them as long as they seem valid and appropriate to you.

• Establish some clear boundaries about what you will talk about and what you will not. After all, this is a personal matter and you do not want to have to rationalize or justify who you are, but celebrate the person that you are!

Special Considerations: Gay and lesbian youth are at much higher risk of suicidal thoughts and attempts; Hammelman (1993), Gibson (1994) D’Augelli and Hershberger (1993) reported that the 33% attempted suicide before the age of 17 and nearly 75 % cited sexual orientation as the reason to end their life. In this same group, 86% reported suicidal thoughts. Research findings as recently as 2011 (Centers for Disease Control) demonstrate that up to 80% of gay youth have suicidal ideation between the ages of 13 – 21. Such youth face significant social, peer, cultural and political pressures that can affect their emotional well-being. If a youth is indicating any type of self-harm and/or suicidal thought, it is imperative that the service provider determine the level of risk and take the appropriate action required immediately.

All providers of care need to recognize that LGBTQ youth are a part of every societal landscape. The role of service providers is to ensure that each youth is treated in an accepting, safe, respectful manner that helps youth to develop their esteem, identity and confidence.

Get ready for fall!!

Now’s the time to stock up on pamphlets for your Fall programs! This summer when you buy over $100 of product from our Bookstore, get 10% off of your order.

Place orders online at: www.bccf.ca Sale ends August 31, 2013.

 Alan Stamp

Alan is the Clinical Director of Jewish Family Service Agency. He has worked at JFSA since 2007.

For over a decade, Alan taught several courses for graduate students training to be family therapists.

Alan has also been a guest speaker on both CKNW and Fairchild radio discussing topics of relevance.

Working as a teacher, clinical supervisor, lecturer, therapist and clinic director for over 30 years, Alan has enjoyed a rewarding career in the provision of therapeutic, educational and supportive services.

Summer 2013 Family Connections 19

Balancing Act

Different families, different challenges Growing up in an LGBTQ led family is a little bit different than growing up in a “traditional” male-female parented family.

Families of different compositions face diverse and sometimes unique challenges, but they also provide special benefits (such as increased empathy to those who are different) to the kids that grow up in them.

Whether the parent(s) in a ‘non-traditional’ family are made up of two dads, two moms, or other configuration, facing challenges such as prejudice, discrimination, or even hurtful jokes, is something they deal with often.

Raising a family is tough enough as it is, but with the added difficulty of living in a LGBTQ family in a society that still embraces many negative assumptions and beliefs in regards to LGBTQ communities, it can be just that much more stressful.

Nobody knows this better than someone who grew up in a LGBTQ family, and so we sat down with Nick Larson (23) of Calgary, AB, to discuss some of his many positive and sometimes negative experiences growing up with two moms.

What has been your experience growing up in an LGBTQ family?

It was an awesome experience. I don’t feel that I lack anything that any person growing up in a male-female parent family has. I’ve always had two strong parental figures, they both just happen to be female. The fact that they’re both female doesn’t detract from anything.

On a continuum, do you feel like your family is more similar to the ‘traditional’ male-female parented family, or more different?

Probably a little bit different. I didn’t really officially know that I had two moms for quite a few years. We didn’t (my brothers and I) call my second mom, ‘mom’, for a long time. We weren’t told we had two moms until we were a bit older. We called my second mom our ‘aunt’. Of course, I knew my family was a bit different, but we didn’t have that conversation until I was older. It wasn’t different in a bad way though, it was a really positive upbringing.

20 Family Connections Summer 2013

What do you feel are the benefits of growing up with LGBTQ parents?

I knew that certain terminology was wrong and offensive from a young age. For instance when people would say “that’s gay” about something, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to say. I was also more accepting of differences in people. I would never not be friends with someone because they were different. I learned that I should accept people how they are, and I was a lot less judgmental than I feel some of the other kids were. I also got motherly love in a double dose, which is always great.

Have you ever been worried that others might bully you? If yes, has that prevented you from telling others about your parents?

I wasn’t super open about my family until me and my mom sat down and had a talk about it in my teens. Before that, I didn’t feel it was my place to run around and tell people all about my family composition, but once my mom said it was okay to be open about it, I felt more comfortable. If people asked about my family, I would tell them, but not otherwise. I wasn’t really worried about being bullied but I wasn’t really open either – up until that talk

Did growing up with LGBTQ parents make you a more knowledgeable and accepting person in regards to the LGBTQ community?

It absolutely did. My best friend is actually a lesbian, we have been good friends for around six years. I have been friends with others who identified as LGBTQ since I was 13 years old. One of my good friends is a transgendered person. Differences don’t matter to me in terms of who I choose to be friends with.

How has the general reaction towards your family dynamic been with your friends or acquaintances?

It’s rare that I get a negative response to my family composition nowadays, which is good.

In the past, I got a few negative responses, but if I did, I would no longer be friends with that person.

Did you experience discrimination based on your LGBTQ family in school or elsewhere?

Yeah, I definitely have a few times. If my friends came over and saw that I lived with my two moms, they would sometimes make jokes in a negative light. At school some people who knew made negative jokes. But if people were discriminatory, I would not be friends with them.

After a certain age a lot of the kids grew out of it, and became more accepting. It’s hard because Calgary can be a more conservative place to live, and so sometimes it felt more necessary to keep the information under wraps.

Is there anything you would like to say to LGBTQ parents, kids in LGBTQ families, or other people about you and your experience?

If you’re living in an LGBTQ family stay positive about it, keep your head up, don’t let anyone judge you negatively about it. There is nothing wrong with having a different type of family. If you feel loved and are cared for by your parents then it doesn’t matter if you have two dads, two moms, a dad and a mom or any other type of family arrangement.

Anything else you might want to talk about?

Any thoughts?

Whoever is raising kids in a same-sex family out there – I give my applause because I know it’s not always going to be easy, but it will definitely turn out okay. Don’t be scared to show who you are, the people that matter the most, and who love you won’t care about it.

The Final Word

Diversity The concept of diversity encompasses acceptance, inclusion and respect. It means understanding that each individual is unique, and recognizing our individual differences. These can be along the dimensions of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, physical abilities, religious beliefs, political beliefs, or other ideologies. It is the exploration of these differences in a safe, positive, and nurturing environment. It is about understanding each other and moving beyond simple tolerance to embracing and celebrating the rich dimensions of diversity contained within each individual.

Diversity is also about accepting the gifts that each individual brings to the table, the community or the group. Diversity as a concept includes the acceptance and respect of all of the differences put before you.

Vancouver, relatively speaking, is a pretty diverse city but as of yet, this diversity is not fully integrated.

In Canada we like to think that our society represents a mosaic.

The problem with a mosaic is the grout gets in between the pieces.

We don’t touch. We are challenged by our differences. We say we live together, but how many of your best friends are really diverse?

The recent Connections and Engagement Survey by the Vancouver Foundation on social isolation pointed to the city’s cloistered nature and no doubt this attitude pervades throughout the province and in fact, it might even be more profound in the more rural sections of the province. Cultural groups are not interacting, niche segments of the population are never really reaching out, only reaching inward, and people actively dislike others because of their sexual orientation.

development of resources including videos, tip sheets on a variety of areas and a resource guide all of which are referred to or linked to in this LGBTQ family connection issue. This is a coming out for the Council as well regarding LGBTQ communities. In the 37-year history of the Council this is the first initiative focused on LGBTQ communities. Our focus at this time is legal issues, the how-tos of becoming a gay friendly organization and the myriad of challenges that precede family-hood for LGBTQ individuals. Furthermore, this fall we are presenting two trainings for professionals working in agencies to address the issue of making agencies and organizations more inclusive and friendly to LGBTQ families.

Now some diverse quotes to end the Last Word…

“A lot of different flowers make a bouquet.” — Muslim Origin Archie Bunker: “What color was he?” His young niece: “People color.”

— from “All in the Family” “We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders.” ­­— Maya Angelou “If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values, we must recognize the whole gamut of human potentialities, and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric, one in which each diverse human gift will find a fitting place.” — Margaret Mead

This issue of Family Connections is focused on everything LGBTQ. We wanted to highlight one of the diversity challenges within our society. Sure, we say we are accepting, and inclusive, and diverse.

But are we? Do we walk the talk? How many steps forward do we take as a community? Is having a rainbow cross walk the answer?

Joel Kaplan, Executive Director In the last year, The Council received a grant to support the Summer 2013 Family Connections 21

Upcoming Training & Events

Nobody’s Perfect Facilitator Training September 16 –19, 2013 Vancouver Nobody’s Perfect is a parenting education program where parents can safely share their experiences and concerns and receive the support of other parents – in addition to the support and resources brought by two skilled and knowledgeable facilitators.

View Details Welcoming & Celebrating Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity in Families: From Preconception to Preschool September 23, 2013 Vancouver Welcoming LGBTQ people and families into programs and services can mean taking practical steps such as re-designing intake forms, putting up posters, or incorporating books that reflect diversity. It can also mean deepening your understanding of how assumptions about gender, sexuality, and family composition shape your everyday practice.

View Details Welcoming & Celebrating Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity in Families: From Preconception to Preschool September 25, 2013 Victoria Welcoming LGBTQ people and families into programs and services can mean taking practical steps such as re-designing intake forms, putting up posters, or incorporating books that reflect diversity. It can also mean deepening your understanding of how assumptions about gender, sexuality, and family composition shape your everyday practice.

View Details Parent Child Mother Goose Program October 4-5 Vancouver The Parent-Child Mother Goose Program® is a group experience for parents and their babies and young children focusing on the pleasure and power of using rhymes, songs and stories together.

Preventative in nature, Parent-Child Mother Goose® helps parents create positive family patterns during their children’s crucial early years, while building on parents’ strengths and confidence.

Contact Lupita Boris, children@pirs.bc.ca to register

Don’t Stand Still: Innovation and Today’s Families October 25, 2013 Coquitlam Join us on October 25 2013 for the Alliance of Professionals Serving Young Parents’ annual provincial conference at the Executive Plaza Hotel in Coquitlam. The conference is the only professional development event in BC focusing specifically on the needs of workers in young parent programs – don’t miss it!

This year’s conference brings together an inspiring, educational and entertaining group of speakers and experts in family services.

Registration Opening Soon Journey to Healing: Suicide Postvention for Youth October 28 & 29, 2013 Vancouver A suicide in any community is like throwing a stone in a pond – the ripples soon spread out to touch every inch of that pond.

And knowing someone who has died by suicide is one of the highest risk factors for suicide. This puts youth in many of BC’s communities at great risk.

Registration Opening Soon Nobody’s Perfect Facilitator Training January 20 – 23, 2014 Vancouver Nobody’s Perfect is a parenting education program where parents can safely share their experiences and concerns and receive the support of other parents – in addition to the support and resources brought by two skilled and knowledgeable facilitators.

View Details Integrated Strategies for Home Visiting training Febuary 3 – 7, 2014 Vancouver Integrated Strategies for Home Visiting training This engaging, interactive training program is packed with information, discussion, and activities specifically designed to ensure home visitors will emerge with the knowledge and practical skills to implement successful services for families.

Registration Opening Soon