FamilyConnections The BC Council for Families Magazine Summer 2014
the new parents issue
Sharing the Load
pg. 10
mindful parenting: an interview with taraneh erfan king pg. 16 Interview: Carolyn Sherwin, Paediatric Nurse pg. 8
finding your parenting style
pg. 20
Council for Families
FamilyConnections
editor Tina Albrecht art director & design Tina Albrecht contributors Cara Hykawy, Carrie Yodanis, Erica Simmonds, Tina Albrecht, Joel Kaplan, Kerry Watts subscriptions By membership with the BC Council for Families. www.bccf.ca Family Connections is published four times per year by the BC Council for Families. Opinions expressed are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the Council, its members or funders. #208 – 1600 West 6th Ave Vancouver, bc v6J 1R3 t 604 678 8884 e editor@bccf.ca www.bccf.ca Established in 1977, the BC Council for Families is a registered non-profit society. Registration #0488189-09-28 issn#1195-9428 officers of the society Lynn Locher · Co-President, North Sandra Routledge · Co-President, Vancouver Coastal Joel Kaplan · Executive Director board of directors Jake Anthony · Vancouver Coastal Deb Day · Island Karl Eberle · North Tim Fairgrieve · Vancouver Coastal Aaron Francis · Interior Millie Lou · Vancouver Coastal John Thornburn · Vice President, Fraser Katie Tichauer · Vancouver Coastal Sylvia Tremblay · Past President · Interior Ying Xu · Vancouver Coastal © 2014 BC Council for Families
2 Family Connections Summer 2014
volume 18, issue 2 summer 2014
Focus 10 Sharing the Load Explores how social rules and expectations shape how married couples divide household labour and childcare. Carrie Yodanis 16 Mindful Parenting: An Interview with Taraneh Erfan King A discussion of how Taraneh Erfan King’s new workshop series Mindful Mama helps support women in the transition to motherhood. Kerry Watts
Departments 3 From the Editor’s Desk 4 News & Notes 6 Toolbox 7 Good to Know 8 Connections Carolyn Sherwin, Paediatric nurse and new mother shares tips for preparing and adjusting to parenthood. 20 Balancing Act As a new parent, how do you sift through the parenting information fray? 21 Final Word The joys of becoming a father and grandfather.
From the Editor’s Desk
What is it about babies, those Speaking of resources, have you been little bundles of joy that can strike down the parenting aisle at your local fear into the heart of so many bookstore lately? Well I have, and it was a soon to be parents. As a new parent there little daunting. On page 20 we share some are so many unknowns and questions: is tips and ideas for how you can sort through the baby growing and developing well, the parenting information fray and find will I need help raising my child, how do the information that is relevant to you and I ask for help, will I be good at parenting, your family. what if my child doesn’t like me and how do I know if something is wrong. The Taraneh Erfan King is a Vancouver based list of questions is endless and finding Clinical Counselor who has developed a a trusted source of information is yet new workshop series called Mindful Mama. another challenge that today’s parents are On page 16, BC Council for Families grappling with. Program Coordinator, Kerry Watts sits down with Taraneh to talk about where her inspiration for the program came from Statistics are telling us that we are and what topic areas are covered in the currently seeing the largest increase in workshops. children under the age of five since the Baby Boom, and families are facing new challenges left right and center. One big On page 21 of this issue our Executive challenge that new parents often face is Director, Joel Kaplan shares with us his how to share the parenting workload. experience of becoming a new father and Carrie Yodanis, Associate Professor of years later becoming a new grandfather. Sociology studies and teaches about gender and relationships. In her article As you read through the pages of this Sharing the Load on page 10, she issue of Family Connections I hope that shares with us the current state of the you find the content to be informative and heterosexual parenting relationship and that it will enhance your daily work with societal pressures that have not caused families. Thank you for reading! If you have relationships to change as much as we comments, questions, or suggestions for might think they should have. articles or a theme for an upcoming issue, just drop me a line at editor@bccf.ca. We also talk with Carolyn Sherwin, Paediatric Nurse and new parent (pg. 8) about her thoughts on parenting styles, preparing to bring home a new baby and creating a strong bond with a baby. She also shares some great resources for parents to turn to if they have questions Tina Albrecht, Editor about their babies’ health.
Summer 2014 Family Connections 3
News & Notes
outgoing board president sylvia tremblay with joel kaplan (left) and sandra routledge (middle)
Sylvia Tremblay Stepping Down as President After six years as President of the BC Council for Families Sylvia Tremblay is stepping down. Sylvia has overseen a number of exciting changes and developments during her time with the Council, including: • Launched our Youtube channel, blog and podcasts • Strengthened our social media presence • Released the documentary When You Are Left 2 Live • Delivered the Journey to Healing Suicide Postvention for Aboriginal Communities with funding from CAI • Developed LGBTQ resources with funding from the Vancouver Foundation • Launched Kids the Heart of Co-Parenting resources • Conducted the Let’s Talk Family! Survey, with more than 2,000 people participating • Created the Making Cent$ for Families Workbook • Developed Risk Management for Home Visitors workshop • Developing resources on separation We thank Sylvia for all of her hard work and dedication!
Distinguished Service to Families Award Renamed to Honour Carol Matusicky At our 37th Annual General Meeting on July 11th we renamed our Distinguished Service to Families Award to the Carol Matusicky Distinguished Service to Families Award in honour of Dr. Carol Matusicky for a lifetime of dedicated service to families in BC. 4 Family Connections Summer 2014
A renowned family advocate, Carol was the Executive Director of the BC Council for Families for 25 years until she retired in 2007.
The Council Welcomes New Board Members Lynn Locher and Sandra Routledge will serve as Co-Presidents for 2014 - 2015, replacing Sylvia Tremblay. She will serve as past President for one year. Tim Fairgrieve will be Vice-President, Ying Xu will be Treasurer and Katie Tichauer will be Secretary. Congratulations to Deb, Tim, Lynn, and Katie for being elected to a second three year term on the Board. The Council will also be saying goodbye to Sultan Almajil and Jay Timms and would like to thank them for their tenure and service on the board. This year we are welcoming two new members to our board: Jake Anthony and Millie Lou. Jake Anthony is an actor, acting instructor and media arts correspondent. He lives in Burnaby, and has 10 years of experience advocating for families and people with special needs. Jake is a member of the city of Burnaby Access Advisory Committee, and is chair of the Burnaby Association of Community Inclusion Advocacy Committee. He is a graduate of the William Davis Centre For Actors Study at Van Arts and the Douglas College Career and Employment Preparation Program. Millie Lou, our other new board member, was a group-marketing manager for an international company in Shanghai, where she handled PR, online campaigns, branding and advertising before moving back to Vancouver. She is now a full-time mom to a toddler, and is passionate about creating a high quality of life for families in BC. Millie has managed
volunteers with several organizations, and has a BA from the University of British Columbia.
New Video Documents Journey to Healing Program Journey to Healing: Continuing the Journey documents the impact of the Journey to Healing: Suicide Postvention for Youth Program to Aboriginal communities across British Columbia. Suicide rates in aboriginal communities are very high, and after experiencing the loss of a loved one to suicide, youth can be vulnerable to suicide. The workshop was designed to help youth cope with the loss of a loved one to suicide, and reduce their risk of suicide (postvention). Combining traditional healing and culturally appropriate practices, the workshop looks at bereavement and grief, and identifies suicide risk factors. The video includes interviews with a workshop facilitator, attendees and our ED Joel Kaplan. It features an emotional interview with a woman who survived a suicide attempt, and lost her grandson to suicide. She discusses learning about suicide warning signs at the workshop, and how she healed and helps others heal. The first phase of the workshop reached 5 communities: Duncan, Kamloops, Prince George, Bella Coola and Port Hardy. Thanks to the Community Action Initative, we are able to offer this program for the next two years, and are seeking 10 communities in BC to participate. You can watch Journey to Healing: Continuing the Journey on our YouTube channel at.
Connect with readers. Connect with families. new board members (l to r) jake anthony, millie lou and ying xu
APSYP Fall Conference The BC Alliance of Professionals Serving Young Parents will hold their annual provincial conference from October 24 –25, 2014 at the Coast Bastion Hotel in Nanaimo. This year’s conference will feature two full days of workshops and talks by an inspiring, educational and entertaining group of speakers and experts in family services. Dr. Vanessa LaPointe, a registered psychologist who has been supporting children and families for over 15 years, will be the keynote speaker. A dynamic and engaging speaker, Dr. LaPointe will be discussing “The Profound Power of Relationships,” and exploring the use of developmental science to understand resilience in growing children. Lynda Monk, of Creative Wellness, will be offering an extended workshop on compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma. Jeff McLean, of Abby Dads, will be leading a workshop of tips, tools and strategies for supporting young fathers, and Jennifer Gibson, of Island Sexual Health, will be there to discuss sexual health, body esteem and child sexual development. There will also be workshops on understanding adolescent brain development in the context of early-age parenting, honouring First Nations culture in Young Parent Programs, creating natural play opportunities in the early childhood environment, and lots of chances to network.
Participate in our Second Let’s Talk Family! Survey Our second Let’s Talk Families! survey has been released, and we would like you to participate. Last year more than 2,000 professionals participated in our first survey,
giving us ideas of the challenges families in BC are facing. Now we want to know what challenges you and your family face. Your answers are important and can influence what type of services and supports are available. Dialogue Research will be conducting the survey. All of your answers will remain anonymous, and your personal information will be kept confidential. We thank you for your time and your help in spreading the word, so that we can do our best to support families across BC. http://fluidsurveys.com/s/BCCFWS/
Advertising in Family Connections is a great way to showcase your events or services. Family Connections helps you get your message out to family service professionals all across BC. special member rates To book your advertisement, contact: Tina Albrecht, tinaa@bccf.ca Our next ad deadline is August 29, 2014.
BCASW Conference Registration Is Now Open! Registrations are now open for the 2014 BC Association of Social Workers Conference being heal on October 17 & 18th! The Association will welcome Chief Dr. Robert Joseph, Reconciliation Canada and Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond, Representative for Children and Youth as keynote speakers. There will be a panel discussion on ethics and workshops on ethics, advocacy and strategies for families and mental health service providers, leadership with seniors, community collaboration, trauma-informed practice, child protection research, building resilience, mediation, field supervision and more. Check out the full program and register now! http://www.bcasw.org/bcasw-fallconference-2014/ The BC Council for Families will also be offering two pre-conference workshops. For more details visit our was at www.bccf.ca
HealthyFamilies! Family news you need to know. • New research • Policies and programs • Reports and statistics • Trainings and professional development • Events and updates from the BC Council for Families Free! Delivered to your desktop every second Monday. Subscribe online: www.bccf.ca
Summer 2014 Family Connections 5
Toolbox
reader reviews What
have you been reading lately? To contribute a review, contact us at editor@bccf.ca
Honouring Our Babies: Safe Sleep Cards & Guide: New Toolkit Designed to Reduce Risk of SIDS in Aboriginal Communities Aboriginal babies in British Columbia are four times more likely to die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) than nonnative babies. To help reduce the rate of SIDS, the Tripartite First Nations and Aboriginal Maternal Health and Child Health Strategy Area (led by the Perinatal Services BC, as part of the Tripartite Aboriginal Safe sleep Initiative) have designed a toolkit for service providers to discuss safe sleeping practices with Aboriginal families. Honouring Our Babies: Safe Sleep Cards & Guide was designed with input from First Nations and Aboriginal Elders, community members, and content experts to be evidence-based, interactive and culturally appropriate. The toolkit includes a facilitator’s guide, 7 illustrated cards and 21 discussion cards. The cards are meant to facilitate discussion, not to test or lecture parents, and could be used during one-on-one consultations, or during home visits. Facilitators could choose a couple of cards to discuss with parents, or get the parents to pick a few cards they would like to discuss. There are three illustrated cards depicting safe sleeping practices (with the word safe
6 Family Connections Summer 2014
written in a green circle at the top), and three showing unsafe sleeping practices (with the word unsafe written in a red circle at the top). The last illustrated card shows a situation in which parents need to choose the safest place for the baby to sleep. The discussion cards have a question about infant health and safety on the front, and a list of key messages to incorporate into a discussion on the back. Topics covered include: breastfeeding, sleeping positions and sleep surfaces, cribs, room and bed sharing, and exposure to alcohol and cigarette smoke. The Facilitator’s Guide includes background information, appendixes and tips for using the cards SIDS occurs when a baby less than oneyear-old dies suddenly and unexpectedly, without clear cause, usually when sleeping or napping. The high rates of SIDS in Aboriginal communities may be due to higher rates of smoking, poverty, teen pregnancy, lower education levels and less access to prenatal care. Aboriginal elders teach that relationships between current living conditions, history, and environment all have an affect on life, which holds true when trying to understand and reduce the rate of SIDS. Although the cause of SIDS is not known, there are measures parents can take to help reduce
the risk. Ways to reduce an infant’s risk include: placing infants on their backs to sleep, placing infants on a firm surface free of hazards (such as stuffed toys), breastfeeding, preventing exposure to tobacco, sleeping close to your baby, making sure babies are not overheated, and having a crib that meets regulations. The guide can be downloaded on the First Nations Health Authority Website at: http:// www.fnha.ca/what-we-do/children-youthand-maternal-health.
Erica Simmonds
Erica enjoys writing and promoting healthy families in healthy communities through our website, publications and social media. She has a Bachelor of Journalism and Social Anthropology, and a Certificate in Creative Writing. Erica believes that supporting families leads to a stronger and more vibrant society.
Good to Know
Between 2006 and 2011 there was the largest increase in the number of children in Canada since the Baby Boom. The average age of first time mothers is 29, three years older than the average age of mothers 30 years ago.
The landscape of contemporary Canadian families • According to the 2011 census, there are 9,389,700 families in Canada, up by 5.5% since 2006. Married couples remained the predominant family structure (67.0%). • Common-law couples are on the rise. Between 2006 and 2011 there was an increase of 13.9%. • Over the same time period, lone-parent families increased 8.0%. • The number of same sex married couples tripled during the period of 2006-2011. • The largest group of couples with children was married couples at 31.9%. • Of the 5,587,165 individuals aged 14 and under in Canada who lived in private households in 2011, 99.2% were children who lived with married, common-law, or lone parents.
• 1 in 10 children under 14 lived in stepfamilies. • 4.8% of children under 14 lived with at least one grandparent. http://www12.statcan.ca/censusrecensement/2011/as-sa/98-312-x/98-312x2011001-eng.cfm What is it like in Canada for new parents? • Fertility rates are going up! From 1.5 children per woman a few years ago to 1.7 children per woman. • In 1983 the average age of a first time mother was 26.9. In 2012, it was over 29 years old. • Women with a university degree tend to wait 5 years longer on average to have children than those without an undergraduate degree.
Babies & toddlers: There’s more and more of them! • The largest increase of children in Canada since the Baby Boom period happened from 2006 to 2011. There was an 11% increase in the amount of children under age 5. • In fact, for the first time in 50 years the number of children aged 4 and under increased between 2006 and 2011 in all provinces and territories. http://www12.statcan.ca/censusrecensement/2011/as-sa/98-311-x/98-311x2011001-eng.cfm
Summer 2014 Family Connections 7
Connections
Carolyn Sherwin Paediatric Nurse and new mother
ca ro lyn s h e rwin liv e s i n met r o van cou ve r w i t h h e r husban d a n d 1 8 -m on t h ol d dau g h t er. s h e has a b ac h elo r o f sc ie n c e i n n u r s i n g , an d w or k s on a casual basis in pa e d iat r i c s . s h e loves to cook , spend time e x p lo ring ou t d oor s an d i s e x p ect i n g her second ch ild in o cto b er.
family connections: What is your personal parenting philosophy? carolyn sherwin: I am still a “new parent” and learning as I go. My husband and I pick and choose from different theories and parenting styles, and find the positive approach has worked well for our family. We believe in treating our daughter as an individual (not our property), and guiding her to be confident in herself and her abilities. I am a believer in doing what is best for 8 Family Connections Summer 2014
you and your family, so what worked for us won’t necessarily work for everyone. Listen to your gut. You know your child and your family best. Whether it is breastfeeding or formula, purees or baby led feeding, do what works for your family. fc: What do you recommend parents do within the first few days of the arrival of a new baby in order to stay relaxed and ease into their new lifestyle?
cs: From personal experience, just be with your baby and keep visitors to a minimum. If you’re okay with friends and relatives stopping by in the early days, ask them to bring food, throw in a load of laundry, or watch the baby so you can have a nap or shower (showering becomes a luxury). I know everyone will say this, but sleep when your baby sleeps. Everything else can wait. It’s hard to imagine how exhausted you’ll be until you experience it. It’s a big adjustment.
If possible, get out of the house once a day, even if it’s just for a short walk. It can get lonely staying home all day. fc: How can new parents work together as partners to establish new routines? What kinds of tasks can new parents ask friends and family members for help with? cs: Everyone is different, but find what works best for you. See how your new routine unfolds and evolves, then figure out how to tackle it together. We have found it works great for my husband to do the bath and bedtime routine. He comes home from work, we eat dinner together, and then he bathes our daughter while I take a break or clean the kitchen. After the bath, he brings her down for me to feed one last time before bed. Then they go upstairs for story time, which gives them time to bond. When she was really little, he would wake up at night to change her diaper, and then I would feed her. It helps not being the only parent waking up at night! fc: There seems to be lots of information out there about preparing for arriving at the hospital but what about after? Are there any preparations that can be completed prior to giving birth that will make the transition from the hospital to home easier?
cs: Keep the fridge and freezer well stocked. Or, even better, have family and friends do this for you. We wouldn’t have survived the first few weeks without hardboiled eggs and food deliveries from family. Have as much set up and ready to go as you can: clean clothes, a clean house and a stock of diapers. We cleaned up as much as we could, but in the end my sister came and vacuumed for us while we were in the hospital. If you don’t get to it all, don’t sweat it! Also have your car seat installed and ready to go, and ensure it complies with current Canadian standards. Familiarize yourself with using it, and have your installation inspected. There are a few organizations and car seat clinics that will do this for you. fc: What are the best ways for parents to bond with their new baby? Partners can often feel left out of the bonding process, are there any specific ways partners can bond with their baby? cs: This will be different for everyone, but plan family and one on one time with your baby. Get involved in your baby’s care, whether it be diapering, bathing, feeding, walking, cuddling, or taking your baby to his or her appointments. Find what works for your family, share the duties, and be flexible.
fc: Are there any programs or services that are offered through the hospital or by nurses that are helpful for new parents? cs: There are so many great programs and groups. Check with your health care provider, community centers, community health centers and local schools. Find new parents in your area and ask for their advice. They might be able to recommend a great program or group, or become a new friend. fc: If you do have a health related question about your baby what are the best sources of information where can you find answers to your questions quickly? cs: In BC, 8-1-1 is a wonderful resource offered by HealthLink BC, which will connect you to whatever health information you’re looking for (in an emergency call 9-1-1). Or speak to your baby’s healthcare provider about your concerns. A few websites to check out are: HealthLink BC http://www.healthlinkbc.ca Baby’s Best Chance (which may also be available in print through your health care provider) http://www.health.gov.bc.ca/ library/publications/year/2013/bbc.pdf, Health Canada’s Healthy Babies http://www. hc-sc.gc.ca/hl-vs/babies-bebes/index-eng.php.
Summer 2014 Family Connections 9
Focus
10 Family Connections Summer 2014
sharing the load Carrie
Yodanis
There are strong social rules and expectations surrounding the amount of housework and childcare that men and women do. These social pressures can break down equal parenting and nurturing and cause men to spend less time with their children.
Summer 2014 Family Connections 11
Focus
In the average married couple with kids, women do more housework and childcare than men. This fact is true across countries, and has remained true for generations. As men spend more time with their children, women spend more time as well. Even as women graduate from the best universities in the world, with the most elite professional degrees, things don’t change. Women are much more likely than men to leave the high paying, prestigious jobs they love and succeed in, in order to care for children.
W
hy is this the case? Biology is an answer we often hear. A maternal instinct, it is argued, is hardwired in women. Women, because of their sex, are believed to be naturally drawn to having and caring for children. I would like to challenge this and argue that a maternal instinct, and the unequal division of housework and childcare that comes with it, are socially created. As Bonnie Fox argues in her book, When Couples Become Parents, differences and inequality between wives and husbands are created in the social transition to parenthood. It is important to remember that men are not innately incapable of housework. Men do clean their own houses and do their own 12 Family Connections Summer 2014
laundry and dishes – when they are single. It is only when they are in a relationship with a woman that men stop, or reduce the amount of time they spend doing these chores. The amount of housework done by single women and men is not so unequal. It becomes unequal with marriage. Married (and cohabiting) men do less housework than single men, and married (and cohabiting) women do more housework than single women. The division of labour becomes even more pronounced and unequal with the presence of children. Married mothers do more housework and married fathers do less. Marriage, and a relationship with a woman, seems to make men less inclined to do housework. Yet, it seems unlikely that a biological trigger goes off
on the wedding day that makes men less able to clean the house and do the laundry. More likely, men do less in a relationship because they hand over the work to a woman who is socially expected to do it. Men are also not incapable of nurturing children. To the contrary, there is evidence that men can and do “mother.” Studies of stay-at-home and single dads show that men demonstrate a strong ability to nurture their children. The book, Do Men Mother?, by Andrea Doucet shows this well. When men are responsible for the care of their children and spend lots of time with them, men are as nurturing as women are. For example, they get up in the middle of the night when they hear the baby crying.
“A really interesting thing happened when I started to stay home,” explained one father in Doucet’s study. “Up until that point, I would…do the night feeding and then go to bed. If the baby woke up after that point, [my wife] would hear it and would get up… After two months of me staying home, she no longer heard when he woke up. It was me getting up.” Men who provide primary care for their children anticipate and “intuitively” know their children’s needs. They know what their baby’s different cries mean. They have special languages and special bonds with their children. “I have changed from being at home,” said a stay-at-home father from Doucet’s study. “It’s brought out some nurturing side of me. I mean, I knew it was there, but I didn’t know to what extent.” One mother observed the strong relationship between her stay-at-home father/ husband and their child. “Georgia would always go to Daddy when she slipped and fell and hurt herself,” she said. “I was so happy to have [my husband] take care of her, but
when I heard the words, I suddenly realized that there is this special bond between [my husband] and Georgia that was not there for Georgia and me.” Another mother described the special language that her husband and infant son had together. “Daddy and Blake, Daddy and Blake,” she said. “It was like an entity.” When fathers spend time with their child when the mother is away, when the family is on vacation, or if they are the parent waking up and caring for the children at night,
spent caring, regardless of gender, leads to a bond between parent and child. But socially, women are encouraged and even pressured to care for children, while men are encouraged and pressured to care less for children. Research examining what happens when couples try to go against the rules and have an equal division of labour shows the strength of gendered rules. Halving it All focuses on married couples who share parenting equally. The couples who strive to maintain a true 50-50 sharing of work and
When parents spend equal time with their child, the child is equally attached to both parents. children will bond with them. Children will select them as the “parent of choice.” When parents spend equal time with their child, the child is equally attached to both parents. What matters is not an innate difference between women and men in ability to care, but the difference in the amount of time that women and men spend caring. Time
family responsibilities continually feel pressures. To share parenting equally, men, as well as women, must make sacrifices in their paid work, and women, as well as men, must give up sole control over raising the children. Some couples succeed and some fail, but all of the couples studied find it challenging. Women feel guilty, and are criticized for not doing more
than 50 per cent of childcare. Husbands feel emasculated by, and try to hide their 50 per cent involvement in housework and childcare, from other men, who ridicule them. When asked by coworkers to go out after work, one man in the study explained he couldn’t. “Man I’ve got a ton of things to do, I really can’t,” he said. When they asked what he had to do, he explained, “Well, I might be vacuuming or grocery shopping.” His co-workers typical response was: ‘Oh, for crying out loud!’” The message is clear – for a man, household work should not be a priority. Another woman described a time when her husband took a plane trip alone with their son, who was “screaming his head off.” “What’s wrong with this child’s mother? Why doesn’t the mother take care of this baby?” asked a passenger. The message again is clear – men can’t parent and children are the mother’s responsibility. Doucet reports similar findings in Do Men Mother? In social settings, men feel odd and like outcasts for caring for their children rather than being employed. “For the most part, there is a sense that if a man stays home there is something wrong with him,” one stay-at-home dad explained. “He’s lost his job, or he’s a little off kilter. It’s not his job. He shouldn’t be there.” Other fathers describe being rejected from playgroups, on playgrounds, and at school events. Men say that this did change slowly over time as they gained acceptance and other men also cared for their children during the day. Nonetheless, this treatment makes it hard to be a stay-at-home dad. At the same time, the moms in the study said they experience negative reactions for not being the primary caregivers. Even though the dads are there to provide care, the women feel guilty for not being the primary caregiver. Thus, there are still strong social rules and expectations about the work that women and men “should” do. Some couples accept these external rules. Other couples try to fight against them. But the challenges these couples face when going against the rules and expectations show just how rigid they remain. 14 Family Connections Summer 2014
As one mother puts it: “it takes conscious work all the time to not fall into what were very well-ingrained patterns.” As a result, women tend to spend more time with their children and men less. This results in women having closer relationships with their children than men do. Caring and bonding are not “maternal instincts” – they are about time spent with children, which is socially defined. “Maternal bonds don’t arise automatically” the author of Halving it All summarizes. “They are created in the work and attention
parents who were committed to shared parenting did not see breastfeeding as a deterrent. Fathers still got up in the middle of the night and fed their child with breast milk from a bottle. They were involved in the lives of their children in every way, and they were very close to their children. Equal parenting and nurturing breaks down because of social pressures and expectations that falsely assume that women can care and men cannot. Common or persistent behaviours are not necessarily biologically natural or innate; they could also be a result
…couples who claim that their children were naturally more attached to their mothers overlooked the ways in which the mothers did more and the fathers did less with the children. The parents used biological explanations to justify the unequal time they spent with children and gave to caring. required by the everyday care of children… the attachment of children reflects the arrangement of parents.” She goes on to find that couples who claim that their children were naturally more attached to their mothers overlooked the ways in which the mothers did more and the fathers did less with the children. The parents used biological explanations to justify the unequal time they spent with children and gave to caring. Breastfeeding, for example, is part of this justification of an equal division of labour, not the cause. In Halving it All, interviews with mothers and fathers show that parents who did not share parenting used breastfeeding as an excuse. Men slept through the night and were less involved in the care of the child, they explained, because they could not breastfeed. Women similarly retained “the most important role” in the childcare by insisting that only they could care because they were breastfeeding. Nonetheless,
of social rules and expectations. Like biology, social rules and expectations are rigid and powerful in shaping how we act. These rules often evolve slowly and reluctantly. But the important thing is that the rules can change. People make the rules and people can change them – we just have to commit to and support each other in making sure that women and men’s time caring is equal.
Carrie Yodanis
Carrie Yodanis is an Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of British Columbia. She studies and teaches about gender and relationships. This essay is adapted from her forthcoming book, “Being Married: The Public Nature of Our Private Relationships.”
Summer Sale Stock up on pamphlets and resources for your fall programs! Receive 15% off your order.* Sale lasts August 5 though August 31, 2014. Place orders online at: www.bccf.ca
*While supplies last. Summer 2014  Family Connections  15
Focus
Mindful Parenting: An Interview with Taraneh Erfan King
Kerry Watts
W
elcoming a new baby into the family is a significant transition for any parent, whether it is their first or sixth child. Beyond the physical changes birthing mothers feel during the pregnancy and postpartum period, expectant and new parents experience changes in the mental, emotional and social aspects of their lives as well. Taraneh Erfan King, a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Expressive Arts Therapist in Vancouver, points out that during periods of change, challenges can turn into struggles, particularly if one is unable to access the resources needed to move through the change. Influenced in part by her own experience with becoming a mother and talking with other new and expectant parents, Erfan King has developed a new series of workshops, called Mindful Mama, to help support
women in the transition to motherhood. I spoke with her about her work with new and expectant parents, the Mindful Mama workshops, and about the ways that cultivating mindfulness can help both mothers and fathers through the challenging changes that come with becoming a parent.
Other themes which emerge are associated with creating safety and security at home, changing roles and growing into parenthood, mending or improving relationships with extended family members including one’s own parents or in-laws, and receiving help while managing relationship dynamics.
kerry watts: In your work, what are some of the biggest challenges/issues you see that arise for mothers and fathers in the transition to parenthood? taraneh erfan king: Some of the most common challenges include the changes associated with body, lifestyle, relationships, family dynamics, finances, and responsibilities. I know that this covers a wide scope, which is a true indication of the vast range of change that can occur as mothers and fathers transition to parenthood.
kw: What is mindfulness, and what are the benefits of mindfulness for new/ expectant parents? TEK: To me mindfulness is the practice of being present in one’s body and clearing one’s mind so as to go from a full/busy mind to an awake and aware state. It is based on Buddhist teachings and is more and more often being used as a resource in counselling settings to reduce anxiety and promote wellness and clarity.
Summer 2014 Family Connections 17
Focus
kw: You have recently developed a series of workshops for expectant and new mothers called Mindful Mama; can you tell me more about the series and the impetus behind them? TEK: The Mindful Mama series was created as a direct result of my noticing the themes and frequent concerns which new and expectant parents I was connecting with were bringing up. While some of these themes are touched upon in appointments with healthcare provides during the perinatal period, or even in prenatal education courses or prenatal yoga classes, there are rare opportunities in which parents can explore in some depth and get clear on the flashes of insight, concern or curiosities they are grappling with. The Mindful Mama series is meant to create the space and time needed/desired to attend to these themes which in turn support the mental-emotional, and even physical, wellbeing of mothers. kw: One of the workshops in the series is called “On my relationship with my mother.“ What do you work on in this session? TEK: I decided on running a workshop with this focus because I found relationships with mothers (and concept of motherhood in general) to be a key theme in my discussions with new and expectant mothers. In the session mothers are invited to reflect on their relationship with their mother so as to bring to light healthy boundaries and connection, 18 Family Connections Summer 2014
and to explore how they may mother similarly or differently than their mother. Without judgement, mothers are then invited to reflect on what works for them and what questions or curiosities still remain for them around their transition into the role of motherhood. kw: Another of your workshops is about being open to asking for and receiving help. What kinds of things do you cover in this session and why did you include it in your series? TEK: I felt it was important to include this topic in the series because it is something that can create anxiety for expectant parents in the prenatal period. For example, they may wonder: can we do this alone? Does it reflect badly on us as parents if we are not able to do this alone? Who will we ask for help? How will we ask for help? Will we feel guilty? Will our home feel over-crowded if people come to help? What if they give us too much unsolicited advice? How can we create a balance between asking for/ receiving help and having our own space to bond with our baby? Having these questions run through one’s mind can be exhausting or even anxiety-provoking. To find resources and support people who will lend their help without judgment or guilt is a huge gift for new parents, and I believe coming to an understanding of our feelings and thoughts towards asking for and receiving help is not always easy or straight forward. To have the
opportunity to reflect on what questions, curiosities or concerns are present allows expectant parents to ensure that they have some tools when it comes to letting go of the worry, staying present, and communicating their needs and wants. The session helps expectant parents notice the barriers to receiving and asking for help, and then take practical actions to resolve the issues which impede their ability to do so, and in turn open themselves up to receiving the unconditional love and support of their community (to the extent that best suits them). kw: Are your workshops targeted mostly to first-time mothers, or can anyone attend? TEK: All mothers are welcome at these workshops! Moving forward, I am actually in the process of organizing some Mindful Mama sessions specifically for first-time moms, and other sessions for second/third/ several-time moms to help mothers connect with others having similar experiences, and to address specific topics which touch one group more than others. kw: The primary focus of the Mindful Mama workshops is new/expectant mothers? Do you work with fathers as well? Is there a difference in how men and women approach mindfulness? TEK: I do not believe that there is a difference in how men and women approach mindfulness; mindfulness is a practice and
To have the opportunity to reflect on what questions, curiosities or concerns are present allows expectant parents to ensure that they have some tools when it comes to letting go of the worry, staying present, and communicating their needs and wants.
tool that is accessible to everyone. My work with new/expectant fathers has mostly been in sessions with couples postpartum, or with fathers on their own during the prenatal period. Generally speaking, I find more mothers are willing to reach out for support during the perinatal period. I believe that in order to support more fathers in our communities there is a need for a cultural shift and a deeper understanding of how both mothers and fathers are deeply affected by the changes in the transition to parenthood. kw: What self-care/mindfulness strategies can you recommend to new and expectant parents who might not be able to easily access workshops or individual counselling? TEK: One simple self-care step new and expectant parents can take is to pay attention to the emotions they are experiencing (instead of dismissing them), and without getting wrapped up in the emotion and building stories around the emotion, work on noticing what need the emotion is rooted in. Then, it is important to communicate the need to their partner or support network if they require assistance. Also, creating space and time for a mindfulness/meditation practice, or simply taking a few minutes each day to quiet the mind, breathe deep and tune inward, can create wonderful positive change and an experience of inner peace.
kw: Do you have any specific resources you would recommend for new/expectant parents who want to learn more about mindfulness and the transition to parenthood? TEK: There is no shortage of material out there, but just as a starting point, a few favourite books of mine are “And Baby Makes Three” by John and Julie Gottman http:// www.amazon.ca/And-Baby-Makes-ThreePreserving/dp/140009738X, and “Start Where You Are” by Pema Chodron http://www. amazon.ca/gp/product/1570628394. For those new to mindfulness and meditation, I would also recommend audio resources from Pema Chodron or Deepak Chopra, as they are quite easy to follow and provide step-by-step guidance to practicing mindfulness. kw: Finally, what can service providers who work with new/expectant parents do to help support a mindful approach to pregnancy and parenting? TEK: Supporting new and expectant parents to stay present in their experience and avoid unnecessary worrying about the future can be incredibly helpful. By modelling and encouraging parents to refrain from feeding unhelpful stories, and instead engage in a body-centred, mindful state of being, service providers can help shed new (and positive) light on a situation. Any drastic life change or new experience has the potential to trigger anxiety due to the nature of it being unknown,
unfamiliar and uncertain. Worry is a construct of the mind. Therefore, intentional deep breathing and keeping a clear mind can help parents release stories of future possibilities based in fear. This resourcefulness is always available to all of us and it can be accessed through cultivating mindfulness. To learn more about the Mindful Mama series, or other workshops and services for new and expecting parents, contact Taraneh Erfan King at taraneh.king@gmail.com
Kerry Watts
Kerry Watts is an independent consultant with the BC Council for Families working with the BC Alliance of Professionals Serving Young Parents. She has been working with families in and around Metro Vancouver for over 15 years. Kerry lives and plays on Bowen Island with her husband and three children and their ever-growing menagerie of pets.
Summer 2014 Family Connections 19
Balancing Act
Finding Your Parenting Style As a new parent, how do you sift through the parenting information fray?
Becoming a new parent is an experience fraught with concerns about how to best raise the new baby. Whether you look for parenting information on the Internet, buy baby books, or watch instructional videos, the wealth of information available on raising children can be daunting. With all of the different schools of thought, techniques, and types of parenting that exist, how do you decide what information works best for your family? Dire warnings of incorrect parenting methods and the subsequent adulthood chaos they can lead to are prominent in reports on studies that have examined child rearing. In order to decide which parenting methods are best for your family, it’s important to try and let go of any trepidation and anxiety you may be harbouring in regards to “messing up” your child by parenting in the “wrong way” and instead, focus on your strengths. The good news is, there’s no one right way to parent and there are no perfect parents! So by building on what you’re good at and pulling parenting information out of the fray that is useful to you, you can build your own eclectic child rearing style that meshes with your worldview. How do you decide what parenting skills and techniques to adopt? • Study a handful of the most reputable parenting books, Internet resources, or other media. 20 Family Connections Summer 2014
• From these resources, choose parenting theories, tips, and techniques that you agree with & that make sense to you. • Develop a chart, mind-map, or simply a set of notes that collects and records the parenting theories and techniques that you have chosen. • If you have a partner, encourage them to go through the same process, and then come together to compare your two sets of information. • Collaboratively, examine the common threads between your two sets of parenting information and mark those as “musts.” • Spend some time mitigating differences between lists, and discuss points until you can come to some agreement one way or the other. Be flexible, your partner will have good parenting ideas, too. • After combining lists, eliminating some items, and keeping some others, draw up a set of parenting guidelines that you can both agree to. This list of guidelines is just that – a loose set of protocols, not concrete rules. You can abide by the parenting techniques that you have curated as much as you possibly can, and if there is a lapse now and again, don’t stress about it. The important thing is that you and your partner determine what you can agree on and works for your family.
While there are many different schools of thought when it comes to parenting, the most important thing is not incorporating all of the latest child-raising findings into your repertoire; it’s developing your own comprehensive framework that makes sense to you. Parenting is often likened to a fulltime job, but with a little planning and some collaboration, the job can become just a little bit more streamlined.
Cara Hykawy
Cara is a recent graduate of the University of British Columbia with a degree in Psychology. Cara is passionate about utilizing social media to help get the message out that healthy families equal healthy communities.
The Final Word
Fathering: Being A New Parent and the Next Role
I am the proud father of two sons: David, 32, and Jonathan, 29. They now both have their first sons: Benji, David’s son, and Fletcher, Jonathan’s son and the eldest grandson. I revel not only in my sons, my miracles, but now I dote over my two grandsons, their miracles. Being a new parent was a special experience for me both times. David was born after almost seven years of marriage. My wife and I, pondered, debated and planned for the moment. We had traveled around the world and relished our independence. We were ready to expose the next generation to our likes: James Taylor, camping, Motown, movies, family holidays, travel, foodie experiences, the importance of giving, family, and a whole lot more. David took so long to arrive in the world. We went apple picking to shake him out. We went to the theater to see a musical, measured the time between contractions and distracted the actors as we timed them. We checked into the hospital and were there for a long, long time. But then, he arrived. We were in a family delivery room, and I was there for every single moment of his birth. Holding, cuddling, cooing, singing to him and assuring him that everything was right in the world. Eight days later, as proud parents, we entered him into the covenant of being Jewish by performing a brit (circumcision). What joy. What happiness. What pride. What feelings of elation. Then, came the colic, the sleepless nights, the caregiving and nurturing, the juggling of schedules and seeing the world through his eyes. Then came the food messes in restaurants, the ear infections, and his first days at day-care, then pre-school, then kindergarten and the rest is history.
All of this is to say that you work at being a new parent, not just in the early years but in all of the years. You work at giving options and equal choices. You work at setting an example and being a good person. You work at doing the right thing, being a good role model and teaching them your values. You constantly recall all the good and bad things, the happy events and the sad events of this human being that you and your partner created and brought into this world. It is an awesome responsibility for two people to take on. When you have another son, you are filled with pride and joy again. Jonathan was born at home. It was not planned, and we delivered him in the lobby of our home. I cut the cord with the assistance of an EMT and our local fire department. Once we got to the hospital I jumped for sheer joy. I was Rocky at the top of the steps of the Museum in Philadelphia. What an experience and utter sense of can do with your partner. Yes, there was the same growing up stuff, and his experiences were different because, after all, he was unique. We also learned as we went with him to his activities: the plays he was in, the science projects, soccer, basketball, track and field, clarinet lessons, tap dance and a whole lot more. Now, I am prepared for another new role as a GRANDparent. I cherish this new learning experience with my two grandsons, the sons of my sons. The next generation. The circle of my life and theirs continues and continues.
Joel B. Kaplan, Executive Director
Summer 2014 Family Connections 21
Council for Fam ilies
Send a Tribute Card to someone you care about! Tribute cards are a thoughtful way to
been made in his or her honour on your
honour a friend, loved one or someone
behalf. Sending a tribute card is also
special. When you make a contribution,
the perfect way to say: Happy Birthday,
the BC Council for Families sends a card
Congratulations, Thank You or even
to the honouree stating that a gift has
Thinking of You!
Sending a Tribute Card is easy! You just need to tell us who you would like us to send a tribute to, include a personal greeting, decide which card design you prefer and the amount that you want to send as a tribute. Additionally you can also decide which fund or program your gift will go towards. One of our popular funds is the Carol Matusicky Endowment Fund. Your donation to Carol’s Fund will help further the work of the BC Council for Families as we strive to strengthen families – through our parenting education and support programs, our information resources for families, research, and through our networks of vital support and ongoing learning for community practitioners. If you are interested in sending a Tribute Card email us at bccf@bccf.ca and we will email you a form with all the details.