Family & Relationship

Use Difficulties In Your Relationship To Your Advantage A Conversation between Coaches

Maria Natapov Stepparenting Coach & Strategist Nicole Mason, Relationship Coach + RTT Practitioner

Loneliness and difficult emotions plague every couple. Regardless of the cause,

it can be tough to come out of that place, especially during challenging times. Here, BEmpower Contributors Nicole Mason and Maria Natapov discuss successful strategies to help anyone feeling uneasy in their relationship use that uneasiness as a tool to move through it smoothly and effectively.

Maria Natapov:

What does it mean,

in a relationship, disconnected from their partner. when somebody is feeling lonely? For me, I think it’ s feeling

Nicole Mason:

Definitely Disconnected. Often, women say they feel like they're alone in their relationship; they're doing

everything, and they don't have support or even consideration from their partner. But, that is something

that can change very easily. The first step is opening yourself up to connection because it will get rid of

disconnection. I'm a big advocate of "Ask for what you want, " and "You do what you want to receive. " In

both my own and my client's experience, it works quickly and it always gets results. Men typically pick up

on it seamlessly when the woman makes these shifts, as long as the woman is making the shift from a

genuine place. Being clear, direct,

and kind by asking for what you want/need and giving what you want to get are things I constantly encourage my clients to do. There is a huge ROI for a relatively small investment of their time and effort when they figure this out.

Maria Natapov:

So, modeling the behavior that you wish to see more of?

Nicole Mason:

Right, exactly. It's all about getting that connection, even if you need to ask for it. Not demand it, of

course. And sometimes that can be awkward and feel uncomfortable, especially if you haven ’t been

asking for what you want/need in this way. Often women don ’t – we let our unfulfilled needs simmer

inside us until we boil over. This leads to a blow-up that isn ’t really productive or helpful for us in the long

run. It's okay to feel awkward with your partner; it’ s quite endearing, actually. It doesn't have to feel

perfect. It doesn't have to feel perfect for you to get the outcome that you want. But, in order to get the

connection you want, you need to open yourself up to more connections, usually, that needs to be led by

you initiating the connection.

Maria Natapov:

Yeah, as you're saying that, what comes up for me is the fact that you can do hard things.

Just because an emotion is uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean that you're heading in the wrong direction. It

means that you're moving towards more expansion and growth. And let's face it, change never feels

comfortable when it's not practiced, which for most of us it’ s not. So it's to be expected that change

would feel a little awkward and even a little painful. But it usually means you're about to have a

breakthrough.

" " to actually verbalizing that and asking for it, the worse it will feel. It will feel awkward and weird and unnecessary. When really, it’s none of those things. Those are your own insecurities being amplified by your mind. But, that’s not what has to continue happening. You can change those uncomfortable feelings simply by getting more practice, or if you want a shortcut, RTT is fabulous at clearing these things up in 1-3 sessions!

Maria Natapov:

Absolutely. Wherever you put your attention, that thing grows. So, when you're aware of

your discontent around something and you don't do anything to change it, then you're

going to get more of the thing you don

't want. And, doing this will give you more reasons to become even more aware of it. A concept for me comes up from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy of the lens. Say something happens to make you frustrated or angry, and it's reasonable that you would have this feeling in response. But then that lens narrows, and it becomes the only lens you're able to look through. And now everywhere you look you see evidence to support this feeling. And it's like, "Yeah, not only this time, but I remember last week ... and I remember last month ... and then that other time that bad thing happened. " And now that's all you can see. And it quickly takes you to a place that doesn't feel good. So, invite a pause and recognize, "Okay, I have a choice here. Yes, this is upsetting, and it doesn't feel good. But how am I going to respond?" The pause stops that momentum. Get to a neutral state. Then explore "Okay, what would feel like a good way to approach this?" when you're in your wise mind with all of your resources available to you.

Nicole Mason:

Going off of your point about pausing: I tell my clients to pause and, especially in the context of connection and disconnection, to stand in that gap. When you do press pause, you’re going to feel a gap, an uncertainty, a discomfort of what is happening and what you should do. It’s going to feel intimidatingly large. Like you have to do something or else the gap of disconnection will get wider and wider between you and your partner. It won’t. Ironically, the gap gets wider if you do too much rather than if you do nothing. You can –and should – stand in that gap, not doing anything, and let your partner naturally come back to you.

Maria Natapov:

Right. Just be comfortable with sometimes the discomfort of whatever you might be feeling instead of reading into it.

Nicole Mason:

Exactly! Let’s stop imposing our own feelings onto a situation to try to make that situation mean something, like "Oh, my gosh, this isn't meant to be" or "He’s such a jerk" or even, “If he loved me, he wouldn’t treat me this way. ” Those things usually are not true. But, they’re

how we’re feeling, so we make a decision that those things have to be true because we’re

feeling that way. When really, it couldn’t be further from the truth – it’s just our feelings

coming up. Those are feelings we haven’

t actually dealt with or processed. It feels natural when we haven’t been given the tools to process our own feelings, to impose them onto a situation or another person.

' " All the things. Like just recognizing things happen and there are different moments. There's ebb and flow to everything. And it doesn't necessarily mean anything about you. And particularly in romantic relationships, recognizing that it's not always going to look ideal. And giving lots of grace to your partner, as well as yourself, and knowing how to be with that. And it takes practice and isn’t always easy. The answer will look different depending on the person, the day, the situation, and then maybe a little different even later that day. It's finding, "Okay, how do I come to neutral and have that balance?"

Nicole Mason:

Absolutely. Access that balance. And, it’

s important to realize, that just because you and I do this work as coaches, doesn t mean we’re 100%' perfect. I, like you, and every single one of our clients, have these moments, too. The only thing different about me is that after figuring this out – because it’s not something we’re taught and it’s not always instinctive and teaching this to other people. So, instead of going with that emotional wave and spiraling all the way down, I can catch myself like, "Oh, I felt myself starting to go with my emotions. I don't have to keep going. ” I don't have to ride that spiral down, or if I do want to do that, I don’t have to bring anyone along for the ride with me. I can stop myself – take that pause and stand in that discomfort – get myself back to that neutral place, back to me, and figure out what I can do for myself at the moment. What I need. And, that’s my responsibility to do. That’s the biggest skill I teach my clients. And, it’s such a great one because then they can teach it to their partner, to their kids. It can have a ripple effect throughout their life, simply because they decided to figure out how to do this one thing better and are committed to just paying attention to it and catching themselves earlier and earlier.

Maria Natapov:

That is such a beautiful point. I was just talking to a friend about this last week. We're not

impervious to these things. Just like everyone else, we also come against it. It's just like

you said, because I

’m more practiced at it I tend to have more awareness about it. But I notice, I catch myself sooner sometimes, and other times, it's like "Whoah! I can't believe that got away from me. " And it’s okay to have those human moments. So even if you’re a coach, a therapist, or think you have the skills and you ‘should be able to figure this out yourself, applying the skills to yourself, is very different. Sometimes you need an objective thinking partner, accountability, and just someone in your corner as you work through things. It’s okay to ask for help.

Nicole Mason:

Absolutely! We all need support, and that support does not always need to come from your loved ones. Sometimes it’s better if it doesn’t, actually. This is where you and I come in and help people through the stuck-ness. Back to the spiral, to that moment where sometimes you're like, "Oh, I just need to keep going and let this all out, " I wanted to mention the caveat that is possible, but there are healthy and appropriate ways to get it all out. We’re not advocating for unhealthy or abusive ways of spiraling.

with this?" Or do I need to remind myself, "Oh, I'm making this all about me and it's not about

me?"

Nicole Mason:

That’s right. Even,

way. “I need to release this, it’s important for me to say, but I can do it in a kinder

Maria Natapov:

Yes. And to that point, some of this is different based on your personality and culture. For example, I am Russian-Jewish, a talker, sensitive and emotional. And with that, it's like "Oh, don't you want to hear every single thought in my head about this?" And my fiancé is Irish-

Japanese – a very different temperament. He's quiet, composed, super thoughtful, and

inward. And he's like "Fewer words, please. " So, I realized I need to sit and get clarity and

filter. And I need to allow for my ‘stuff’ to find calm.

Nicole Mason:

Right. You don't have to use him to process. For women with male partners, he probably

doesn’t want you to use him to process your own thoughts and feelings. And, it’s really not

his responsibility to do that.

Maria Natapov:

Yes. So, I've had to create my own ways that feel good to process. Sometimes it'

s exploring the issue with other people, usually friends or family. Or sometimes it's talking to myself in the car or the shower, or journaling. The most effective way for me is to allow myself the space to think and feel through it. And I know that whatever is still precipitating after those couple of days, that's the important stuff and usually by then has been distilled to the main thing.

Nicole Mason:

It's interesting you say that because one of the practices I have my clients do is I have them write, from a very needy place, like, "Please, please, please, I need you to wash the dishes every day. I can’t do anything if there are dishes in the sink. I need you to do these things because I can’t do them. " In a very whiney, almost childlike, disempowered tone. And then after they do that, write the same thing out from an angry, bitter, demanding place. Like, "The

dishes must be done. Right now. F*ck you for making me demand this again. "

And then after all that, the needy stuff and the demanding stuff is out of their brain, then they're more neutral. And they can actually say what they want to say. What they actually need. This process is so illuminating and it’s not something that takes very long, especially the more you do it. After writing it out one or two times, most people can take care of it in their heads.

Maria Natapov:

Yeah. And remember when you re emotional, your brain doesn'' t have access to logic. In reality, if someone is going to order you around or come at you emotionally, like your examples, you're not responsive to that. That's not going to feel good. That's not going to entice you to be like,

Nicole Mason:

Exactly. And, so you can actually see and experience how that feels to your partner, even if you aren’t to the extreme of my examples. Another point about this exercise: it usually doesn't feel good for you to say it in either of those ways.

Maria Natapov:

Because that's not who you really are. You'

re not doing that from your true best self in those moments. You're just basically venting or what I call tantrum-ing. Which is healthy and it has its place, but is not an effective communication tool to use with your partner.

Nicole Mason:

It doesn't need to happen to or even with others. You can have that experience on your own. On that point, let’s dive deeper and talk more, specifically, about having uncomfortable conversations.

Maria Natapov:

We mentioned some tips already, but I will reiterate: Taking space is one of the most important things and recognizing how much space you need depends on the weight and urgency of the subject matter. Usually, nothing is so urgent that you have to decide right away. However, there are situations and circumstances that do require faster action. Next, get clear yourself on what you want, where you stand, and think through logically what could be a solution and what is possible to do. Only then bring it to your partner if you feel like there's something that has to be talked through. Because this way you'll have clarity and they'll be able to follow and engage with you easier and more directly. Hopefully, at that point, the emotional things that muddy the waters will be fully out of the picture because you want to communicate in a way where they can hear you and move towards a resolution of whatever it is. Know that it will likely take multiple attempts at a conversation to arrive at a solution. And that it's okay! Because understanding is built on several exposures to a new concept or idea that you haven't been exposed to before.

Nicole Mason:

It’s not only okay, but that’s also normal. It’s literally our brain’s job to keep us safe,

comfortable, and handling things the way we’ve always handled them.

Maria Natapov:

Exactly, that's the lizard brain sounding the "Danger"

alert. And then we can make a meaningful decision. It's important to notice when you need to pull the plug. So, if you notice the conversation is getting intense and that you're starting to argue or if there's a lot of resistance, there's no need to keep pushing it. Just hit the pause button. You can always return to the conversation at a later time. That's more productive than shooting yourself in the foot. If you don't do that, they're going to be more reluctant to have the conversation next time.

Nicole Mason:

That brings up two things for me when you need to hit that pause button, you have to verbalize it. Don't just walk out in the middle of a conversation. That doesn’t feel good to anyone.

Maria Natapov:

Right. And I think the other thing about that approach is it's a much kinder and healthier way to show up. Because through this action you're also inviting them to do the same in situations where it's the other way around. You’re also saying, "Let me

know because I m not perfect. I'' m not the only one who might notice that things are getting a little heated. I value your input here.

Nicole Mason:

Yes. And then the second thing that came up for me was: the worst marriage advice ever, in my view, is "Never go to sleep angry. " It's okay to go to sleep angry. Sometimes you need a good night's sleep more than you need to stay up until 4 o'clock in the morning arguing about the same thing. If it’s 2 hours past your normal time for bed, whatever you’re talking about isn’t getting resolved that night.

Maria Natapov:

It's so true. I had to learn that.

Nicole Mason:

Me too. Remember, I was a divorce lawyer, so I’m trained to argue my point as long as I need to. It has been so ingrained in me that I could probably, literally, stay awake for days arguing. But, it’s not helpful to me. It’s not helpful to my partner. It’s not helpful for any relationship. I don’t know why that piece of marriage advice is so freely given when it usually does so much more harm than good.

Maria Natapov:

For me, that was from trauma. I thought I needed to hammer it out because there was an abandonment piece of, "This feels really bad, and I don't want to lose them. " And then when I did the work on myself and got into a better place and relationship, I realized it doesn't mean it's all over. Going to sleep angry is actually a kinder thing to do. And some people need that space more and need more it to calm down before they can resolve a high-stakes issue.

Nicole Mason:

They get overwhelmed and that overwhelm doesn't help anything. It’s not productive

to have these exchanges when you’re tired and overwhelmed. It just makes things

worse, which we’ve all personally experienced at one time or another.

Maria Natapov:

Right. And I noticed for, I can kind of flip faster from those negative emotions or interactions. I could take a break for a half-hour or just a couple of hours and I'm ready to talk about it or to hug it out. But I noticed for some people it just takes them longer to fully decompress. Somebody described those emotions as water running off you after a shower. For some of us we can towel-dry off but others need to air-dry. Whatever your process is, that's okay. Honor it, but also understand the process might look different for your partner, and that's okay too. It's okay to say, "Hey, I need more time, " or, check-in and say, "Hey, are you ready to revisit that yet? If not, let me know when you're ready. " Have kindness and grace and recognize it's not about you. It's just about communicating and then providing space for whatever each other needs in a compassionate way.

Nicole Mason:

You're both on the same team, you both ultimately have the same goals for your relationship and getting this matter dealt with. So, finding that common ground is going to be helpful. You both can come back to that common ground and use it as a lighthouse when you're in that storm. About the emotions, like your fiancé having to take a little bit of time, when I’ve done mediations with couples, I found that the same thing occurs with most men. That's very common. As women, we have been so socialized to actually acknowledge our feelings and what’s happening in our bodies. Granted, we still push it aside many times as adults, but as children, little girls have the experience of "Oh my goodness, are you okay? How does that feel?" Whereas, with little boys, we’re like, "Oh, you're fine. Brush yourself off and move on. " So, for men, when they're actually given that experience, they're not used to being given space specifically for their feelings and to express themselves genuinely. Many men don't even know what that means. So, when they're allowed that space to process their emotions, it can take a lot longer than it can for women. Just knowing that, as a woman, can be helpful –to again, not make meaning about yourself because of something he just needs more time to do than you do.

Maria Natapov:

You need to allow yourself space to feel all the things, even the ugly ones.

Nicole Mason:

Absolutely. Learning to feel your own feelings – which is actually acknowledging them,

processing them, and then releasing them – is the biggest gift you can give to yourself, your

partner, your children, co-workers, friends, etc. If everyone got to that point, the world would

be a very different place.

Maria Natapov:

That’s the goal. Making the world, even if just in our home, a kinder, better, more secure place.

Thank you for taking part in our conversation. We hope it was helpful and insightful for you. If you’d like to learn more about the work of either Maria or Nicole, please reach out to them. They would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.