EXPLORE Magazine - September 2018

SEPTEMBER 2018

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CONTENTS

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Marjorie Hagy History Marjorie is a bibliophile, a history nut and an insomniac, among several other conditions, both diagnosed and otherwise. When she's not working tirelessly to avoid getting a real job, she nurses an obsession with her grandson and is involved in passing legislation restricting the wearing of socks with sandals. She is an aspiring pet hoarder who enjoys vicious games of Scrabble, reading Agatha Christie, and sitting around doing nothing while claiming to be thinking deeply. Marjorie has five grown children, a poodle to whom she is inordinately devoted in spite of his breath, and holds an Explore record for never having submitted an article on time. She's been writing for us for five years now.

Old Timer Just Old Timer The Old Timer tells us he's been a resident of Boerne since about 1965.

He enjoys telling people what he doesn't like. When not bust'n punks he can be found feeding the ducks just off Main St. or wandering aimlessly in the newly expanded HEB. Despite his rough and sometimes brash persona, Old Timer is really a wise and thoughtful individual. If you can sort through the BS.

Kendall D. Aaron Spiritual

10 From The Publisher

26 History

12

30 Spiritual

14

Calendar

32

Art of The Truth

EXPLORE magazine is published by Schooley Media Ventures

Then & Now

in Boerne, TX. EXPLORE Magazine and Schooley Media Ventures are not responsible for any inaccuracies, erroneous

18 This Month in Texas History

34

Texas Tunes

22

Badass of the Month

38

Old Timer

24

National Month of...

information, or typographical errors contained in this publication submitted by advertisers. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of EXPLORE and/or Schooley Media Ventures. Copyright 2016 Schooley Media Ventures, 930 E. Blanco, Ste. 200, Boerne, TX 78006

Publisher Benjamin D. Schooley ben@hillcountryexplore.com

8 | EXPLORE

I’m just a normal guy. I’m not a theology student, I don’t preach in church, and I’ve never written a book. I’m just a normal guy that thinks, and feels, and is on a never-ending journey attempting to be the best person I can be. I fail frequently at this quest, yet each day, the quest continues. I’ve lived in Boerne since the late ‘80s, I’ve got a most beautiful wife, three wonderful children, and just really, really love God. Thanks for going on my spiritual journey with me.

Operations Manager Peggy Schooley peggy@smvtexas.vom

Creative Director Benjamin N. Weber ben.weber@smvtexas.com

ADVERTISING SALES 210-507-5250 sales@hillcountryexplore.com

DEAREST EXPLORE READER, this from in my family tree, but oh well. I can’t stop it, and I gave up trying a long time ago.

So I just roll with it. But even I’m caught off guard sometimes by the ferocity of emotion I feel over things that I would consider non-emotional, like old basketball memories. But as I sit here, in my rickety office chair, looking out across my little neighborhood in this same town I’ve lived since ’87, I wonder if sometimes the memory itself isn’t what brings about the emotion – it’s the loss. Even when the story is a GOOD one.

Let me explain.

Coach Stan Leech retired from coaching this past month.

He was my basketball coach from ’90-’94 and I couldn’t even begin to start laying out the memories from those years as they would be an encyclopedia. Boerne was a different town in those times, and we were all just a bunch of hick kids in a little ranching town way out in the sticks north of San Antonio. Things were quiet here, nobody talked about “growth”, but everyone talked about Boerne basketball. It was royalty.

His retirement party is tomorrow night, and some of the organizers for his party asked some of the old timers (like me) to type up and share some memories. As you can imagine, since you read these ramblings every month, I sat down and hammered out a pretty long and poetic ode to Coach Leech, full of silly stories, dumb sayings he used to have, and peppered it with appreciation for the man.

Then the strangest thing happened: I finished the article, walked 10 steps to my kitchen, and absolutely sobbed my eyeballs out. As in, I had to lean against the wall, bury my face in my hands and violently sob. Even as I did it, I thought to myself “What in the hell are you doing?” Yes, I love Coach Leech and smiled as I typed up my memories, but I’m also a grown man and please understand that this is uncomfortable to confess because sobbing over high school memories is not something I would do frequently.

A few minutes later, I slammed a Gatorade, wiped my eyes, muttered “What the hell was that?” and moved on.

But I’ve spent the past few days thinking about that little episode, and thought I might try to unpack a few things.

Maybe they’ll make sense. Maybe not. You never know.

I’m an emotional guy, and have admitted this time and again in this little column. I shrug my shoulders and humbly admit that I’m the guy that cries at the end of damn near every movie. I cry at weddings. I cry at every funeral. I cry sometimes when my kids do something beautiful. It’s who I am, and I’m not sure who I inherited

I’m sure I’m not unique when I say that when I was 18, I had the entire world figured out. My parents were lame and didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, Boerne sucked and I just wanted to move away as fast as possible, I would make untold riches with my amazing job that was sure to happen, would have the beautiful wife, couple of kids, drive an Audi and sit on the Board of several important organizations. If you people would just get out of my way, this was my destiny cause, ya know, I’m 18 and I know what I’m talking about. Am I right?

I would also be happy always, never experience tragedy, never struggle financially, never have marital troubles, and my biggest worry would be where to eat lunch after church on Sundays. The world was my oyster, man.

But then the craziest thing happened in those years between being 18 and 42 (now): LIFE HAPPENED. I won’t even begin to list off the experiences I have gone through, as most of them are not unique to me. Or you.

They’re just life. People got sick. I went broke. Multiple times. People died. Family died. Car crashes happened.

Economies went to hell. Jobs blew up. Marriages broke down. People screamed and fought and mourned and grieved and cried…and I (like you) got to go through all that. And I’m still going through it today. And tomorrow I will as well.

And so I look back at things like I describe, and maybe with a touch of nostalgia I do an exercise like memorializing a memory from the basketball team, and I remember what those dreams and expectations looked like through the lens of an 18 year old kid that had EVERYTHING figured out. Perhaps I can remember standing in that hot old gym at BHS, listening to Coach Leech scream at me over something dumb I had done, and can remember that I had a hot date on Friday and wasn’t really listening anyway because this is stupid and I don’t care. Maybe I can remember thinking that this crazy guy making me run laps was just another obstacle on my path to certain greatness and fortune, and I just wanted to get this chapter over so that I could get away from this stupid one-horse town and change the world.

And then maybe I stand in my kitchen and sob because I realize that the 18 year old was unceremoniously crushed by this thing called LIFE. Ouch.

I’m not trying to complain. I suppose that no matter how my life turns out, and how the remaining chapters read, I trust that I will say “Man, what a life.” Because it has been mine, and while there are parts I wish I didn’t experience, I suppose that they are all part of the story.

But perhaps, we reach points where we mourn and grieve for the realization that things aren’t always what we wanted, nor what we expected, and definitely not what we planned. You may or may not sob over them like me, but I bet you’ll get misty eyed if you truly enter your time machine and reminisce about your plans for yourself while you were in high school. Or the first time you walked on your college campus. Or on your wedding day. Or the day you first entered your first REAL job. I’m going to wager that you had expectations and such unbelievably high hopes, and no matter what you have achieved so far, I’m going to surmise that reality has never really matched your expectations.

I’ve been going through a lot lately of a personal nature, and I suppose that I’m hyper-emotional, even for me. I still cry at silly movies, but I’ll admit that I’m pretty fragile and most anything that hits me at an emotional level is met with a pretty extravagant response. Kind of like my silly memories I typed about my days on the basketball team.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I’ll try to wrap it up with this: life is messy for all of us. Even the ones that appear to have everything in order. They also sit and stare out their window like I’m doing right now, and take inventory for where they are on a multitude of issues. I know broke people and I know rich people and I know successful people and I know people that are 5 minutes from homelessness…and at the end of the day, I guarantee you that their 18 year old selves did not map out their story the way that it turned out. That super rich guy had a brother die 5 years ago and would gladly trade in his fortune to have his brother back. The fortune no longer matters. At the same time, the poor woman never yearned to be poor, but she is, and she’s content. And she didn’t know that was possible, but life taught her otherwise. The things that we seek and desire are not always the things that we even actually want. We may not know that we don’t want those things, but life has a way of making it abundantly clear for you.

And when you realize that what you really want isn’t what you began life searching for, maybe you will also sob in your kitchen for a few minutes. But then, hopefully, like I’m doing now, you’ll smile as you are thankful that you now have the knowledge that the pot of gold is rarely the destination…it’s truly the journey that matters. Because the experience is where you learn what matters, and what doesn’t. And that’s the “loss” I mentioned earlier – you lose the dreams, but you find life. They never mirror one another, but friends, they are impossibly connected. And it’s a helluva ride.

I have to go sob again now.

Welcome to September. Temps are cooling down (we can only hope), and seasons are changing. May you EXPLORE your past, your present, and your future and discover that every day is but a page in your story, leading you to your very own pot of gold.

Smiling,

ben@hillcountryexplore.com

10 | EXPLORE

Authentic

W E AR E

5 1 8 R I V E R R O A D | B O E R N E , T X | W W W. L I T T L E G R E T E L . C O M | 8 3 0 - 3 3 1 - 1 3 6 8

AREA EVENTS

Get out and enjoy the great Texas Hill Country!

The most comprehensive events calendar. Send submissions to info@hillcountryexplore.com

September 15-16 Old Gruene Market Days This monthly event (except January) has been held for more than 30 years and features more than 100 artisans offering handmade items made by the vendors themselves. Free parking, admission, and live entertainment.

September 20 Come and Taste It A featured winery showcases three of its newest released, top-selling, or hardest-to-find wines, alongside a craft brew handpicked by The Grapevine staff. The complimentary tastings are held on the patio and garden. Samples of food that is offered for sale will be provided, and each event features live music and prize giveaways.

BANDERA September 1, 8, 15, 22, 29 Bandera Cat­tle Company Gunfighters Experience the excitement of the Wild West with the award-winning Bandera Cattle Company Gunfighters, re-creating shootouts and daily life of the Old West. Shows are at high noon and 2 p.m. Bandera Visitors Center, 126 SH 16. banderacowboycapital.com 830-796-3045 September 1 Bandera Market Days Arts and crafts vendors in downtown Bande­ra. Bandera County Courthouse Lawn, 500 Main St. banderacowboycapital.com 830-7963045 September 1, 8, 15, 22, 29 Cowboys on Main Every Saturday expect to see and inter­act with a sample of the Old West cowboy lifestyle on Bandera Main Street. banderacowboycapital.com 830-796-3045 August 4 The Old Timers Trad­ing Post Meet local artists and artisans. The Old Timer, 14178 SH 16 N. banderacowboycapital.com 830-796-3045 September 4 Cowboy Capital Opry Grand Old Opry-style entertainment is host­ed by Gerry and Harriet Payne with refresh­ments and door prizes. Silver Sage Commu­nity Center, 803 Buck Creek. banderacowboycapital.com 830796-3045 September 20 Third Thursday Cow­boy Camp Pickers who play cowboy, Texas, or Western swing music are welcome to sit in at this free event. Public welcome.

Bandera Bev­erage Barn RV Park, 1407 SH 16 N. banderacowboycapital.com 830-796-3045 September 27-30 Biker Rallies of Texas presents Rumble on the River A three day event consists of tent camping, poker run, vendors, food, field events, music all day Friday and Saturday, bike show, tattoo contest, and Sunday morning church service. No one under age 18 admitted.

BOERNE September 15 LeAnn Rimes in Concert Globally, Rimes has sold more than 44 million units, won two Grammy Awards, 12 Billboard Music Awards, two World Music Awards, three Academy of Country Music Awards, one Country Music Association Award, and one Dove Award.

She is currently traveling the nation on her “Love is Love Tour” and has only one stop here in Texas.

September 29 Pints for Polio This is a free fundraising event at RANDOM Beer Garden. Starting at 6:00 p.m. Donate and get a Pints4Polio glass and craft beer. Live music. For more information visit pints4polio.org or the RANDOM facebook page.

October 4 Leine Lounges at RANDOM Come out to RANDOM Beer Garden for this special event. Enjoy live music, swag, photos & autographs, prizes and more.

Special guest Dick Leinenkugel, owner of Leinenkugel’s Brewery.

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BURNET September 8 Bluebonnet Air Show This annual air show features many types of aircrafts. Vintage World War II planes will be performing. Static displays of aircraft are available for the public before and after the air show.

Aircraft rides are available and are advertised at the gate.

September 28-30 Day Out with Thomas Take a 25-minute ride with a full-size Thomas the Train Tank Engine and meet Sir Topham Hatt. Enjoy stories, music, and children’s activities.

COMFORT September 11 Music in the Park Outdoor music featuring The Sarah Pierce Band. Cold non-alcoholic beverages provided. Bring lawn chairs. Comfort Park, 423 Main St. comfort-texas.com 830-995-3131 September 15 Art Festival Local artists offer their works at business locations in and around Comfort.

September 29 Taste of Comfort Celebration of food and wine with live and silent auctions. Happy H Ranch.

DRIPPING SPRINGS September 8 Dripping With Taste Annual festival features Texas and local wines, beers, distilled spirits, Hill Country cuisine, artisans and music. All under one roof, for one afternoon.

September 22 Pioneer Day Step back in time and experience early Texas history in Dripping Springs.

This event has fun for the whole family with Civil War reenactments, blacksmithing demonstrations, live music, craft stations, a petting zoo, BBQ, and shopping.

FREDERICKSBURG September 7 First Friday Art Walk Fredericksburg Tour fine art gal­leries offering special exhibits, demonstrations, refreshments, and extended viewing hours the first Friday of every month. Various locations. ffawf.com September 14-16 Fredericksburg Trade Days Shop more than 400 vendors in seven barns, featuring acres of antiques, a biergarten, live music, and more.

KERRVILLE August 31-Sept. 2 Kerrville Fall Music Festival A threeday event that combines camping, music, and the best Texas wines and beers. Quiet Valley Ranch, 3876 Medina Hwy. kerrville-music.com 830-257-3600 September 1 Kerr County Market Days Features an indoor marketplace for vendors of original handcrafted goods, artwork, and homegrown plants and produce. Pets on a leash are welcome.

September 1 Hill Country Swap Meet Features a giant community garage sale, flea market, and trade days all-in-one. Buy or sell new, used, antiques, collectibles, arts and crafts, knives, books, furniture, tools, clothing, kitchen and household items, and more. Concessions are available on site along with lots of free parking. Pets on a leash are welcome.

September 29-30 8th Annual Kerrville Triathlon Festival Run, bike, and swim. A variety of races are available to suit any athlete.

LUCKENBACH September 8 LuckenRod Classic Car and Rod Show The second annual event features a full slate of daytime and evening music and lots of classic cars.

MARBLE FALLS September 29 Market Day on Main The perfect time to get out, explore downtown, and shop artisan goods from around the Hill Country. With everything from handcrafted leather goods, beautifully carved art, and exceptional must-haves for the home, your closet, and more; this is your day to shop authentic. Meet and mingle with over 70 different craftsmen. Come and experience the unique culture of Historic Downtown Marble Falls. Don’t forget to grab a bite from one of our excellent restaurants.

NEW BRAUNFELS September 25-30 Comal County Fair The largest county fair in Central Texas features a barbecue cookoff the weekend prior, a parade through historic downtown New Braunfels, a PRCA rodeo, bull riding, a livestock show, carnival games and rides, and food of all kinds.

September 15 Lutheran Fall Festival A day full of fun comes complete with chili cook-off, 5k run, auctions, live music, craft vendors, kids’ activities, and delicious food and drink.

WIMBERLEY September 8 Second Saturday Gallery Trail The art galleries in and around the Wimberley Square invite you to come early and stay late for wine, light bites, and an art-filled evening. Various locations, 100 Wimber­ley Square. gallerytrail.com 512-722-6032

September 22 Nimitz Foundation Symposium The annual symposium will cover the Graybook Nimitz used to chronicle the war in the Pacific and make strategic decisions on world-changing events.

September 20 Susan Gibson in Concert A performance

by Wimberley-based singer-songwriter Susan Gibson.

Proceeds from the Susanna’s Kitchen concerts go to help people in our community who are in need.

GRUENE September 8 Gruene 5K/10K Participants enjoy a leisurely or competitive run through the Texas Hill Country with medals for each age group. Post-race music at Gruene Hall with food and beer for all participants.

RANDOM CASK TAPPING AND MEET & GREET BY:

l a u n n A h 4t

Al Axuier

FREE EVENT - Starting AT 6:00

PINTS FOR POLIO September 29th - PINTS4POLIO.ORG

/RandomTexasFamilyFun /RandomTexas t /RandomBeeRGaRdn

$2.50 Domestic Beer

EVERYDAY!!!

THURSDAY OCTOBER 4TH LEINE LOUNGES Beginning at 6:00 p.m.

Special guest Leinenkugel’s owner Dick Leinenkugel Live Music • Swag • Pint glasses Photos and Autographs • Leine lounges Popup Prizes • Post your best lG photo contest Signed Paddle

11 Upper Cibolo Creek Rd.

830-428-3026

ABOUT LEINENKUGEL’S BREWERY • America’s 7th oldest continuously operating brewery • Brewing since 1867 in Chippewa Falls • 6 generations of family brewing • Brewing roots in Meckenheim, Germany • Introduced the Shandy to America • 12 medals at the Great American Beer Festival • 12 medals at the World Beer Cup

THE ART OF TRUTH

BY ANDREA FORSHEE

For Dr. Ron Martinelli, PHD, a profession in forensics was not always the case. Originally a teacher, he joined the San Jose, California Police Department in 1974.

Once involved in law enforcement, he became known for his investigative work. Over 40 years later, he is a nationally recognized forensic criminologist who along with his wife Linda have made Boerne their home.

F

14 | EXPLORE

It’s probably news to most that in Boerne lies a renowned forensic investigative firm: Martinelli and Associates, Justice and Forensic Consultants, Inc. The firm began in California and flourished after Martinelli retired from the San Jose Police Department. His thirst for knowledge kept him looking for more: “No detective or patrol officer had gotten a doctorate degree in law enforcement in the United States at this time. I thought boy, I bet with a doctorate degree I’d really kill it.” He went back to school and received a doctorate degree in Criminology with an emphasis on Forensic Psych. In his words: “I could see where the future was going and it was going into forensics.”

Dr. Martinelli has been a Federal/State Courts qualified expert in police/corrections practices, law enforcement training, psychophysiology, forensics, officer-involved shootings, in-custody deaths, use of force, civilian self-

also presented a forensic and psychological analysis on the dynamics of suicidal behavior for law enforcements officers, commonly referred to as “Suicide by Cop”. His tactical response course has helped educate many first responders on the best way to approach these types of situations without an escalation in violence or injury to all parties involved.

The firm continued to grow; at one point becoming the largest provider of law enforcement training in the state of California with over 3800 instructors, Martinelli and his wife began to feel like it was time to consider moving from California. As he puts it: “You always have to be willing to rebrand if you are going to stay viable in business.” Part of that rebranding included more forensic training, trace evidence training for Dr. Martinelli and a search for a new home base for both the businesses and

“Without truth, there is no justice.”

- Dr. Ron Martinelli defense and a number of other forensic and criminal investigations areas since 1992. Additionally, Dr. Martinelli has been retained as technical advisor for many news organizations as well as the History and Discovery Channels and occasionally provides forensic consultations to national media outlets on high-profile cases. He is the author of four textbooks, nearly thirty manuals and numerous articles on law enforcement practices. As he says, “If you heard it on the news, I probably testified on it.”

Martinelli’s firm is one of the most recognized law enforcement and criminal justice training and forensic expert consulting firms in the nation. He founded the firm after recognizing a need for more “reality-based” training in law enforcement. Since that time, the business has provided state approved or specialized training to over 50,000 peace officers, criminal justice and military professionals representing over 300 municipal, state, federal and offshore law enforcement agencies; as well as such military units as U.S. Army Intelligence, Military Police, U.S. Marine Corps, U.S. Air Force Intelligence & Security, and the U.S. Navy SEALs. In 1993, Dr. Martinelli expanded his professional services to include forensic expert witness services in the areas of police and corrections practices. Since that time, he and his staff of board certified experts have provided agency defense attorneys, municipalities, states, prosecutors, criminal defense and plaintiff attorneys with superior consulting and forensic expert services in the fields of law enforcement, civil rights, liability, negligence, wrongful death and injuries, prosecution and criminal defense.

His firm specializes in civil litigation cases involving civil rights, 4th, 8th and 14th Amendment allegations relating to detentions, arrests, search and seizure, use of force/ excessive force (all levels and weaponry); officer-involved shootings and major uses of force, wrongful and other in-custody deaths; all manner of criminal investigations, police/corrections practices; department policies, training and supervision, Internal Affairs and law enforcement negligence. The staff of Federal and/or State Courts qualified forensic experts is involved in criminal and civil litigation cases involving subjects with mental health disorders, private or corporate security, and allegations of corporate or private business negligence resulting in injury or death, and civilian self-defense.

Dr. Martinelli has been selected as a Police Practices Expert for several law enforcement agencies, including Las Vegas, West Virginia, as well as receiving certification from the Force Science Institute as a “Force Analyst”.

He has created guidelines for several agencies regarding the use of force and the use of Tasers as well as creating a profile to help agencies identify officers who may exhibit excessive use of force regarding Tasers. He has

the family. After receiving more training, he became an expert witness, using applied science and forensic science to support findings and opinions in investigations. “I make findings and opinions, or I’ll consult.” Martinelli continues, “A common mistake is that people become an expert only for cases for the defense or prosecution. A real expert witness should be the person that seeks the truth, no matter where that truth and evidence takes you.”

Ron and Linda Martinelli met in 2004 and within 6 months were married. 13 years later, they still feel like they are on their honeymoon. Ron says, “We work every day on our relationship. We do things purposefully to keep us bonded together, to keep us engaged, and to have fun together. It’s a learning experience for both of us.” As two incredibly successful business people who travel a majority of the time, one would think that finding time to spend together would be a challenge, however, they make it work. Linda explained, “We have so many clients in the same area that it’s easy for me to say I’m going to Sacramento and ask Ron if he has anything he needs to take care of in Sacramento. More often than not, we both have a reason to go to the same location and we can combine our work and travel.”

has and continues to be extremely successful. They found office space in Boerne proper, acreage for a house in the hill country and began settling into the small-town way of life. That does not mean that they slowed down for a minute though, the Martinelli’s passion for success drives them forward. They are in the process of starting a company, ETCForensic Company which provides education training certification for forensic experts online. Linda says, “We need to get the company launched but we also need to do it right.” ETC is already offering response to active shooter training for corporations, churches, as well as law enforcement agencies.

A passion that they share together is that they raise bucking bulls for the PBR. They have three bulls in PBR this year and love going to as many PBR events as they can. They are the owners of the 2016 World PBR champion and watching them talk together about this hobby, it is clear that these bulls are like children to them. They also are involved in American Freestyle Bull Fighting with Shorty Gorham. After just a few visits to Gonzales, they were ready to assist Shorty with anything he needed to help get the AFB off the ground. As Linda puts it, “It’s a great sport to watch, we just got started with them and I created the website for them. We just want to support them and give back to something we really enjoy being a part of.”

Out of everything that makes Ron and Linda Martinelli a success, professionally or personally, their nationally syndicated radio show Talking While Married is obviously what brings them the most joy. Every night, they sit together in a studio with coffee and discuss the day’s news. Linda describes it, “We are talking to each other about what is concerning most Americans to each other, not to an audience. It’s just normal people talking about normal stuff.” Ron adds, “There are many different takes on the news, we just want to give our views in our words.”

Every show includes a close with a Good News of the Day segment that will most likely include some laughter.

Linda became instrumental in Martinelli and Associates success. A brilliant business woman with incredible marketing skills, she helped Ron increase his business over 300% in a span of less than 5 years. Ron says, “Linda is an extremely successful business person. I have never met anyone in my life that is as intelligent as she is, that is so skilled in sizing up what is needed and implementing it. As soon as she came on board with Martinelli and Associates she took a moderately successful business to a whole new level.”

With 4 adult children, the search for a central location that would be easily accessible to everyone became paramount.

Linda had lived in Houston for a short time several years earlier and loved it. Around 2016, the Maritnelli’s youngest son Rudy, a firefighter in California, found a job in Texas.

One afternoon, Linda was driving him down Interstate 10 to New Braunfels and as they passed the hillside, Linda told her son: “This is where I’m going to live.” Within a month Ron and Linda began searching here, ruling out Spring Branch, Gruene and surrounding areas. Ron says, “When you are on Main Street, you come up and you see Cibolo Creek and it’s so pretty, it just really looks like a Texas Town.” Linda summed it up nicely: “Some of my friends said we should have looked at more places but when you know, you KNOW.” After commuting over 100 miles a day between their respective businesses, the Martinelli’s were eager to simplify and condense and Texas seemed like the perfect solution. They still have a few satellite offices in California, including a firearms training business that

Ron and Linda Martinelli have a solid, clear view on life.

They know what they love, they know what they need to do in order to continue to be successful, but they also know exactly what they need to do to not take on too much and lose sight of what is important. Moving to Texas has proven to be a good decision. Ron said, “We came to Texas and picked this area specifically because this really is us and this works for us. California was not working for us. The biggest mistake people from California make is coming to Texas and trying to make it more like California. We don’t want that. We just want Texas the way it is, especially Boerne, Texas.”

Welcome to Texas or perhaps more appropriately: Welcome Home, we are glad to have you.

WWW.HILLCOUNTRYEXPLORE.COM | SEPTEMBER 2018

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H

History is a popular topic with our readers. Marjorie Hagy’s HISTORY piece is probably the most popular article in our illustrious publication month after month. With that fact, we thought we’d share some broader Texas history each month. Nothing earth shattering, but we hope you might find something to make you pause and say, “Huh. Well I’ll be.”

September 2nd, 1945

Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz signed the treaty with Japan that ended World War II. Nimitz, born in 1885, was the descendant of German pioneer settlers of Fredericksburg.

He was named commander in chief of the Pacific Fleet shortly after Japan’s 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor, and later commander in chief of Pacific Ocean Areas as well. With authority over the entire Pacific theater except for Gen. Douglas MacArthur’s Southwest Pacific sector and the inactive southeast, Nimitz coordinated the offensive that brought the Japanese to unconditional surrender. He signed the peace treaty aboard the battleship Missouri in Tokyo Bay. Nimitz later spent two years as commander in chief of the United States Fleet, and also served as a roving ambassador for the United Nations and chairman of the Presidential Commission on Internal Security and Individual Rights. He died in 1966. In 1964 a local citizens’ group established the Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz Memorial Naval Museum in the old Nimitz Hotel in Fredericksburg. The project evolved into the National Museum of the Pacific War.

September 4th, 1839

The Cayuga, the former floating capitol of the Republic of Texas, was sold and disappeared from the historical records. The Cayuga was built in Pennsylvania in 1832 and arrived in Texas in August 1834 under the command of John E. Ross. The small river steamer was the first commercially successful steamboat in Texas, and played an important role during the Texas Revolution. She carried supplies for the revolutionary army, transported government officials and refugees, and was the temporary capitol of Texas in April 1836. On April 15 of that year Capt. William P. Harris, in command of the steamer, evacuated Harrisburg just ahead of Gen. Antonio López de Santa Anna and his troops. The refugees included President Burnet, his cabinet, and all the inhabitants of the town. After stopping at Lynch’s Ferry and New Washington the Cayuga preceded to Anahuac and Galveston, where the passengers disembarked. The cabinet members remained aboard and on April 19 were rejoined by Burnet, who had left the steamer at Lynch’s Ferry to get his family and had narrowly escaped being captured by the Mexicans at New Washington.

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The business of the republic was conducted on the Cayuga through April 26.

Lt. Gen. Walter Krueger and Brig. Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower.

September 6th, 1952

September 14th, 1919

Benito Martinez of Fort Hancock, Texas, died in action in Korea. Corporal Martinez was a machine gunner with Company A, Twentyseventh Infantry Regiment, Twenty-fifth Infantry Division, near Satae-ri, Korea. On the night of the sixth he was manning an advanced listening post when he was encircled by a strong enemy force. He remained at his post and refused to allow any attempts to reach him because of the danger to any rescuers. The next morning his body was found with an empty ammunition clip in his left hand and a .45 caliber pistol in his right. Because of his stand, friendly forces were able to regain key terrain.

His posthumous Medal of Honor was presented to his mother by the secretary of the army at the Pentagon in Washington.

September 8th, 1900

A catastrophic hurricane struck the city of Galveston on the Texas coast. A third of the city was destroyed, and 6,000 to 8,000 people died. Galveston Island was completely inundated. Property loss was estimated at $30 million. The storm is considered the worst recorded natural disaster ever to strike the North American continent.

September 11th, 1890

The United States War Department designated “the military post at San Antonio” as Fort Sam Houston in honor of Gen. Sam Houston.

Originally established in 1845, the “Post of San Antonio” started land acquisition and construction in the 1870s, becoming the second largest in the United States Army by 1891.

Fort Sam Houston has played a prominent role in the annals of military history. The First United States Volunteer Cavalry, better known as Teddy Roosevelt’s “Rough Riders,” mobilized in San Antonio and received their equipment from Fort Sam Houston’s depot. In 1910 the army’s only airplane came to Fort Sam Houston, and its flight there marked the birth of military aviation. Fort Sam Houston was even involved in the filming of several motion pictures, including Wings (1927). The post played a critical role in training and deployment throughout World War I and World War II, and Fort Sam Houston alumni make up an impressive roster of top commanders, including

The Spohn Hospital in Corpus Christi was demolished by a hurricane in which a nun, two patients, and two employees were killed. Spohn Hospital (originally Spohn Sanitarium), the first hospital in Corpus Christi, is a Catholic institution founded in 1905 by Arthur Edward Spohn. When Spohn moved to Corpus Christi in 1895 and noted the lack of medical facilities, he embarked upon a campaign to raise funds for a hospital. Through the efforts of Alice King Kleberg $6,000 was collected from the residents of Corpus Christi for the project. Her husband, Robert J. Kleberg, prepared a drawing of the proposed sanitarium around 1903. The Sisters of Charity of the Incarnate Word, San Antonio, agreed to staff the new facility. After the 1919 hurricane the hospital was temporarily located in a private home. Henrietta C. King gave the land for the new hospital and it was back in operation by 1923.Through the succeeding years, the hospital continued to expand. In 2003, the CHRISTUS Spohn Health System consisted of six hospitals-three in Corpus Christi and one each in Alice, Beeville, and Kingsville--and thirteen clinics.

September 18th, 1929

Julius Myers, the last town crier in America, died in San Antonio. Myers was born in New York City in 1868 and attended schools there. He moved to Texas seeking relief from respiratory trouble in 1882 and settled in Luling; in 1912 he moved to San Antonio.

Myers was seen daily on the streets of San Antonio mounted on his horse, Tootsy, announcing current or future attractions with his megaphone. With a decorative costume for each occasion, he advertised such events as sales and theater attractions, charity affairs, and sporting events. Because too many others were attempting to emulate him, a city ordinance in December 1927 ordered an end to such advertising. Friends of Myers petitioned city hall to except him from the ordinance, but to no avail. The following March, however, indulgent officials permitted him to inform the city of baseball games, but he was not allowed to use his horse. Despite repeated protests by his family, advancing age, and failing health, he continued as town crier until his death.

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BADASS OF THE MONTH

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There is probably no more famous villain in all of Texas lore than that of Generalissimo Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón , otherwise simply historically known as SANTA ANNA. Yes, THAT guy. The one that killed all the soldiers at the Alamo. Hated by the entire population of Texas (and most of the world), we certainly won’t put him into the honored role of BADASS, but when you actually review the guy’s life and history, the sheer freaking determination that he demonstrated certainly deserves a tip of the hat. But that’s all he deserves.

Born in 1794 at a time when Spain was still ruling Mexico as a colony, Santa Anna joined the Army at the age of 16. He fought with the Veracruz Infantry Regiment, and battled a brutal war against Native American uprisings and the guerilla beginnings of what would become the Mexican Revolution. Riding the countryside under the famously-brutal Spanish officer Joaquín de Arredondo, Santa Anna quickly proved himself as a hardcore pipehittin’ badass. He took an arrow to the arm in 1811, and was cited for bravery at the Battle of Medina in 1813, when Colonel Santa Anna rode down a force of Texas and Mexican rebels, killing 1300 of the enemy while only losing 55 of his own men.

Santa Anna fought hard and brutal battles alongside the Royalist Spanish government in the early days of the Mexican War of Independence, but as the war progressed Santa Anna changed his mind and threw his military support behind a rebel named Agustín de Iturbide.

Winning many battles against the Spanish Royalists, Santa Anna helped win Mexican Independence and drive the Spanish out of the country. Then, when Iturbide turned out to be a douchebag, Santa Anna changed sides again, joined a rebel group, and overthrew Iturbide in 1823. Then in 1828 he fought a war that overthrew that guy as well.

It didn’t take Santa Anna long to earn a reputation for being a hardcore warrior you didn’t want to mess with, but also who you really couldn’t trust not to shank you in the ass the moment the war started turning bad against you.

In 1829, the Spanish King came back to Mexico, pissed off that he had lost Mexico and determined to get it back.

At the Battle of Tampico in 1829, Santa Anna led a group of resistance fighters, kicked the King’s ass (again) and earned himself so much fame and glory that was elected President of Mexico in 1933.

Bored with the day to day duties of the Presidency, Santa Anna pretty much gave control of the government to his Vice President and proceeded to spend his days gambling on cockfights and fathering a ton of illegitimate children. But then when his VP pissed off most of Mexico with his stupid decisions, Santa Anna rounded up a bunch of his friends and launched a coup against his own government, overthrowing the VP. Yes, he overthrew his OWN presidency.

In 1836, Texas got sick of the political instability in Mexico (which Texas was part) and launched a revolution. This really, really pissed off Santa Anna and he declared that all Texas rebels would be treated as pirates and murderers and would not be treated as soldiers. He marched his men across Texas and left a smoking crater of burned crops, dead livestock, and brutally executed prisoners in his path. He then murdered all the POWs at the Goliad Massacre and proceeded to the Alamo, where we all know what happened there.

In the end, this did the worst thing imaginable, as it enraged an already pissed off Texas population, and at the Battle of San Jacinto, Santa Anna got his ass kicked so hard that “Don’t Mess With Texas” became part of our vernacular. Sam Houston beat the hell out of the entire Mexican army at the cost of just 11 Texas lives. Ouch.

Always a bit of a prick, Santa Anna was hauled in front of Sam Houston, stood tall and said “Sir, yours is no common destiny, for you have captured the Napoleon of the West.”

Sam Houston sent him to Washington to negotiate a peace treaty, which he did, without consulting the Mexican Congress. From there, he was tossed out of the country, only to return to Mexico and find out that he had been deposed and exiled from Mexico.

However, he was called back a few months later to put down a rebellion in state Zacetetas. Santa Anna showed up with his army, told the people he would like to negotiate with them. When they opened the gates to talk, he killed everyone and burned the whole damn town down. This got him exiled again.

Back from retirement a year later because the French were now messing around with Mexico in Vera Cruz. Santa Anna led his forces into battle and was so close to the front that his horse was shot and killed. So he grabbed a different horse and was hit with a cannon shot that blew his leg off. He would wear a prosthetic the rest of his days, and actually paraded his blown-off leg around town for all to see in 1841. But sure enough, the French gave up (don’t they always?) and Santa Anna was named DICTATOR of Mexico.

Obviously one hell of a fighter, Santa Anna sucked at politics. So he was voted out in 1839, reelected in 1841, and then thrown out of the country again in 1845.

Santa Anna was smoking cigars in Cuba when in 1848 he heard the news that war was brewing again between the US and Mexico. Santa Anna goes to Washington, offers President Polk his peace treaty efforts, and Polk sends him back to Mexico to broker peace. Santa Anna goes back to Mexico, is given full control of the Mexican Army and prepped to not broker peace, but instead, to engage the entire US in war.

Well, Santa Anna got his ass kicked big time. He lost so hard that the 4th Illinois Infantry took his prosthetic leg, and it’s still on display at the State Military Museum in Illinois.

Embarassed, Mexico exiled him…again. But, it shouldn’t surprise you that he was brought back to Mexico and was elected President of Mexico for the 11th damn time. This reign lasted until 1855, when he finally pissed off Mexico enough when he sold New Mexico and Arizona to the US to pay off some of his old debts. They tossed him to Jamaica, but sure enough, he spent the rest of his days trying to earn his 12th Presidency, unsuccessfully.

As a silly sidenote, while Santa Anna was in Staten Island, he met a guy named Thomas Adams. Adams asked Santa Anna what he was chewing on, and he explained that it was a substance called “chicle”, derived from the Mexican sapodilla tree. Adams bought some of the stuff from Santa Anna, added sweetener to it, called it Chiclets, and made a boatload of cash. He later teamed up with William Wrigley, Jr and created the world’s largest gum company.

This might be the only GOOD thing Santa Anna ever did for the US. Despite being a complete ass and ruling the country with an iron fist, losing several wars, double crossing countless people, and being a brutal murdering psycho, Santa Anna was finally pardoned by Mexico in 1874 and allowed to return. An old man, mostly blind from cataracts, Santa Anna died in 1876 and was given a full military burial in a glass coffin – a high honor.

There you have it – the full history of Texas’ most notorious villain, who earned every bit of his reputation as being the most hated man in all of Mexico (according to every Texan). However, as things always seem to work, without a Santa Anna, our Texas might look a lot different and be substantially less BADASS than it is.

WWW.HILLCOUNTRYEXPLORE.COM | SEPTEMBER 2018

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IT’S NATIONAL WHAT MONTH? We’ve all heard about it on the radio or social media. “It’s National Expired Cream Cheese Month.” Or “today is National Wear Your Underwear Outside Your Pants Day.” We still have no idea who comes up with these but we here at EXPLORE have decided to do the legwork for our adoring reader(s) in an ongoing segment to clue you in to what to expect over the course of the month. Because heaven forbid you get blind sided in October when you find out it’s National Window Covering Safety Month (no, we’re not making that up) and you’re not prepared.

SEPTEMBER IS COMICALLY: NOTABLE DAYS TO National Rice Month OBSERVE IN SEPTEMBER: Better Breakfast Month

World Beard Day, 1st

National Honey Month

National V-J Day, 2nd

National Mortgage Professional Month

Cheese Pizza Day, 5th

International Square Dancing Month

Beer Lover’s Day, 7th

National Whole Grains Month

Wiener Schnitzel Day, 9th

National Chicken Month

Report Medicare Fraud Day, 12th

and

Felt Hat Day, 15th

National Blueberry Popsicle Month

Cheeseburger Day, 18th Talk Like A Pirate Day, 19th

On the more serious side, September

POW/MIA Recognition Day, 21st

is observed as the National month for

Ice Cream Cone Day, 22nd

Childhood Cancer, Childhood Obesity

Math Storytelling Day, 25th

Awareness, and Suicide Prevention.

Chocolate Milk Day, 27th Coffee Day &VFW Day, 29th Chewing Gum Day, 30th Celebrate all at your own risk.

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FROM THE BEGINNING

By Marjorie Hagy

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Last month, as my devotees may recall, I promised you guys an exhaustive, excruciating journey through Texas history from the very beginning, and et voila , here we go off on our flying start.

If you remembered that much, then you might also recall that in my last missive I confided a shortcoming of mine, namely, that I have trouble knowing at what point to begin a narrative; I suffer from an socially crippling compulsion to start telling even the simplest story at the part where God says ‘Let there be light!’ In an attempt to relate a simple anecdote about a funny thing that happened once in the high school cafeteria in 1982, for instance, I’m liable to come to with a start halfway into a dissertation on the history of public education in North America, touching on a few of the finer points of the Magna Carta, and by this point my would-be listener has moved out of state. I only mention it here as a bit of good news to you readers that this time I’ve managed to resist my native urge to start our history, as Bugs Bunny did that time he appeared on This is a Life?, with “ A little pool of water forms. In that pool: two tiny amoeba, the start of life…”, at which point the emcee (Elmer Fudd) tells him to knock it off and cut to the chase. I, on the other hand, don’t need no Elmer Fudd to tell me I needn’t begin with the Big Bang. I shall start at a much more reasonable point, a hundred thousand years or so ago.

I must insert a disclaimer here in light of the fact that people can get a little touchy on this whole evolution/ creationism thing. I want everyone to know that it’s emphatically NOT MY INTENT to either make light of anyone’s beliefs nor to promote my own, whatever those might be. In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you honestly that it’s just not much of an issue for me. I don’t even think the two theories are mutually exclusive, I mean why couldn’t God have created the universe with a big bang or through evolution or in seven literal days or whatever? In the end I feel like I can believe He did it without knowing exactly how.

Or, you can not believe God did it at all- look you guys, I’m not the religious columnist around here. What do I know?

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Anyway, I’m gonna write about some archaeological finds, and I hope everyone’s ok with that. If you literally can’t even , skip down to the little star things and go on from there.

Skipping the entirety of human evolution up to that point- which I’ve managed to do, channeling my inner Elmer Fudd- and focusing solely on North America, in general, and Texas in particular: various archaeological discoveries, theories and schools of thought put human life in our part of the world anywhere from 100,000 years ago to a mere 13,000 years or so. What happens is that every new discovery and each new technological innovation- including advances in DNA- push the human timeline back a little further. For a long time everyone pretty much believed that a discovery near Clovis, New Mexico, in the 1930s, proved that those so-called Clovis people, or Paleo-Indians, were the first humans to arrive here in the US, about 13,000 calendar years ago, and in fact DNA shows that the Clovis are the direct ancestors of about 80% of all Native American people living in North America right now. It was also the pretty general idea that these first humans to reach our continent were “fully evolved members of the species Homo sapiens ”, just like us, and that they got here via something called the Bering Land Bridge, at the tail end of the Ice Age, or around thirteen thousand years ago. See, a whole lot of the world’s water supply, which would otherwise be filling up the oceans, was instead sucked up into glaciers and crazy-thick sheets of ice that covered big swaths of the earth, up to two miles thick- so that sea levels all over the planet were a lot lower than they are now, and some of the places that would normally be covered by water, weren’t, including what is nowadays the Bering Strait.

Y’all remember when some Alaskan politician said she could see Russia from her bathroom window or some such thing? She would’ve pulled that off, presumably, by looking over the Bering Strait, a little ribbon of water (about 50 miles wide) that flows between Cape Dezhnev

in Russia, the easternmost point of the Asian continent, and Cape Prince of Wales in Alaska, the westernmost point of the North American continent. But 13k years ago there wasn’t any water in the strait- because of the glaciers and stuff- and the idea is that people who were hunting just walked over from Asia via this land bridge, and into North America, following some reindeer or whatever they were hunting. They wouldn’t have known they were doing some big thing in human evolution, they were just trying to get enough food in their bellies to keep body and soul together.

But scientists have long debated as to whether or not these Paleo-Indians really were the first to arrive, many believing that an earlier society predated them, and also whether the Bering Land Bridge was in fact how the first people got here. Some have argued that the first Americans got to this continent as long ago as 15,000 to 100,000 years ago or more, and that those earlier people came from the South, or from the Pacific coast, the land bridge not being navigable that far back. In fact, a Harvard Medical School geneticist has surmised that, according to the DNA evidence, the “founding migration” didn’t happen all at one place, all at the same time, but that there were instead founding migrations , plural, that the first humans came in several different waves- as opposed to the long accepted conjecture that just that one group of Paleo-Indians who came over the Bering Land Bridge were the ancestors of all the indigenous people of the Americas.

At any rate, there’s a place in Texas, about a half-hour north of Austin, where archaeologists and paleontologists hit paydirt not too long ago, discovering all kinds of stuff that seem to prove that a society did predate the Clovis.

Here’s something awful: This site was first discovered in the 19 20s but not extensively excavated until interest in it was revived in the 90s, with most of the really important discoveries happening just within the last three years or so- that’s not the sad part. Here’s the sad part: in the seven

decades or so before archaeologists really got down to business in the 1990s, the site was looted of just aboutif not literally- every artifact that 1920s grave robbers could carry off. What might we have learned from that priceless loot?! Fragments of human teeth and more than ninety stone tools at the Gault Site have been found, but only within the last fifteen or twenty years- they were deeper underground or else the thieves certainly would’ve carted those off too. But that handful of teeth and the tools ended up being enough to put the date of the site at 16,700 years ago, a whole lot earlier than what had been thought. According to the director of research at the site: “The most important takeaway is that people were in the New World much earlier than we used to believe.”

To give a point of comparison, the first humans in England started showing up around 800,000 years ago.

This really is the New World, in a whole lotta ways. Still, 20,000 years- or 50,000, or 100,000, as some scholars have theorized- that’s nothing to sneeze at. When all those white Europeans started showing up thousands of years later, all of them carrying on about ‘discovering’ the place and going around claiming this and that, the indigenous people must’ve looked at ‘em like they were cray-cray.

Then, in the interest of self-preservation, they really should’ve gone on to shove the newcomers off a cliff, but they didn’t, and that’s how history goes. ***** But a lot of other stuff happened here in what we now call Texas between the time those first immigrants arrived thousands and thousands of years ago, and the September day only five hundred years ago when a Spanish fella named Cowhead shipwrecked on the shore of Galveston Island and started acting like he owned the place (there’s actually a little more to that story we’ll get into later on .)

Before Mrs. DeVaca even started knitting the layette- in fact, a long, long time before Mrs. D to the V was even a twinkle in her grandfather to the 15th power’s eye- there were Chinese people walking around in Texas.

At least, that’s according to a disputed theory that involves an ancient text called the Shan Hai King , which roughly translated means The Classic of Mountains and Seas . It was written around 2250 BC , so I wasn’t just kidding around when I said ‘ancient’- it predates the Old Testament by some 500 years- and the existence of the actual book isn’t debated, or that it’s as old as it claims to be, just whether it constitutes a book of myths or whether it contains actual accounts of prehistoric exploration in North America, including parts of Texas. It’s been called “the world’s oldest geography” by some, while others consider the mere suggestion to be irresponsible and ignorant.

The Chinese have long, and I mean long, known of a beautiful land east of China they called Fu Sang, the great storied Land to the East. This land beyond the Eastern Sea, they said, was 3300 miles wide, bounded by vast oceans, with enormous trees and all kinds of natural wonders, crazy animals, plants, and people whose language sounded like barking dogs.

But back to this Classic of Mountains and Seas: part of this enormous book describes a long overland journey of a thousand miles, a journey that happened like 4,500 to 6,000 years ago. The details of this exploration don’t match up to anything in China, but all the landmarks, the rivers and streams and the animals and mountains and rocks and minerals and all this stuff mentioned in the account, seem to line up with only one place in the whole world, and that’s one swath of land stretching from Wyoming all the way down to our very own Big Bend. These unnamed voyagers described all kinds of things that matched up with this route, and only this route, according to a computer...er, would algorithm be the word I’m groping for? For instance, one of the weird animals they described as a small pig-like creature who wasn’t exactly a pig, with a collar of gray fur around its neck, sounds an awful lot like a critter called a collared peccary, or what we would call a javelina. Now, peccaries are native only to North America, and that little collared fella has only EVER lived in a handful of places in the American southwest,

including parts of New Mexico, old Mexico, Arizona and of course, our own Texas. So if these dudes saw javelinas, that’s where they saw ‘em. They also talk about a bunch of other animals that could only be found in America, including armadillos, possums, bald eagles, and coyotes, and describe places too, like a “great luminous canyon” with “a stream flowing in a bottomless ravine”, that Shan Hai King enthusiasts believe is the Grand Canyon, discovered by Chinese explorers five thousand years ago.

There are some other weird things that kind of support the idea, like how chili peppers and peanuts, also native only to North America, have figured in Chinese cooking for a couple thousand years now, or how those same peanuts and peppers, as well as corn- and bones of an American bison- have shown up in Chinese archaeological sites dating back like four or five thousand years. China certainly had the boats to make the trip back then, and Buddhist priests undisputedly did travel long, long distances, even as far away as early Britain and the Roman Empire, and native American lore tells of the arrival of strange people long before the Europeans got to the party.

Course, there are other contenders for those strange people. Legends include a group of Phoenician explorers blown west across the Atlantic Ocean in the 6th century BC; early Christians, fleeing the Roman Empire, coming to the New World less than a hundred years after the Crucifixion; St Brendan of Ireland in 550 AD, Welsh prince Madoc in 1170- all of these early explorers’ tales put them somewhere in the Caribbean, the Gulf of Mexico, or on the Texas coast long before anybody official got here. People have found tantalizing, mystifying things- petroglyphs carved with archaic Chinese characters, ancient coins depicting a map of the world with a mysterious land mass right about where North America goes, long before anybody knew anything was out there; inscriptions in runic, Iberian, Phoenician have been discovered along the Rio Grande- a Hebrew inscription in Tennessee dates from the 2nd century AD, another, near Philadelphia, written in Basque , dating back to 800 BC. There’s a handful of noodle-scratchers for ya.

So yeah, there are several nominations for People Who Got Here Way Before DeVaca, and to be fair to poor Cowhead, he didn’t even claim to be the first guy here, but a lot of people have claimed it for him in the five hundred years or so since he showed up. He was the first to explore into the interior of Texas, though...or WAS he?

He was. That’s what M. Night Shyamalan and I call a twist. Anyway, DeVaca was the first guy who documented everything and had it witnessed and notarized and all. But you can’t discover a place if there are already thousands, maybe millions, of people living there, whose ancestors have been living there forever, since the Bering land bridge and maybe for æons before that. I remember way back in like, 3rd grade, the first time I heard about Columbus ‘discovering’ America and how the natives all came to watch him land on the… wait, what ? The natives ? Wait a second, what’s with all this discovering business?

Anyway, to return to Section III, diagram 7, and I want to stress to you that this will almost certainly be on the exam- hang on, I’m sorry, did you say something?

Yeah, with- the one, yes you, holding the magazine? The first English speaker in Texas? That’s such an amazing question, and it’s like we’re on the exact same wavelength because I was just fixing to talk about that! How crazy is that?? You & me man, I mean right? We gotta hang out more.

In order to tell you who was the first English speaker in Texas I’ve got to give you the set-up first- of course, like with everything I ever say, I can’t just go “It was David Ingram” and leave it at that...well shoot. I’ve gone and told you. But see, this proves my point, now you know his name but does that leave anybody any wiser? You

probably have like three Dave Ingrams in your friendlist, so this is where my habit of long-winded over-explanation comes in handy.

The first thing you need to know is that during the 16th century, England and Spain were not exactly on speaking terms. In fact they were in the rather rude habit of killing each other all the time, especially at sea, since a lot of their issues had to do with Spain’s jealous protection of her stronghold in the New World and every time they saw what looked like an English ship loitering around their possessions in the Americas, (whistling casually and jangling the change in their pockets, acting like they hadn’t even noticed anything, Oh, that’s Spain? Wow!) they got to acting like my poodle does when he has a bone hidden somewhere and every time you walk by he growls at you and you’re like, “Dude chill, I’m not interested in your stupid bone,” except that England was interested in Spain’s stupid bone. All these bad feelings would eventually erupt as the Anglo-Spanish War beginning in 1885, which included the defeat of the Spanish Armada, it was in all the papers.

Second thing, (not to get way into it, according to my new vow of brevity), but there seems to have been a pretty fine line between a pirate and a privateer, that line consisting entirely of a letter from your government saying it’s ok to be a pirate, as long as you cut the government in on a share of the spoils, which promotes the holder of said letter to the status of privateer. Of course, the letter from the government doesn’t cut any mustard with the people from whom you are stealing, they tend to be unreasonable about it and call you a pirate anyway, and you can wave your letter around all you want but they’re still gonna want to murder you and all. So that’s what was up in... ...the Fall of 1567 a privateer by name of Sir John Hawkins set out from England with six ships for a quick trip to Africa’s “Slave Coast”, which was supposed to play out like this: Buy slaves, shoot over to the West Indies and sell the poor kidnapped human beings at an enormous profit, head home to England with the cargo hold full of New World gold. It didn’t play out quite like that. They did the first three things and were just commencing on the fourth, the heading home part, when karma, or a huge tropical storm, or karma in the form of a huge tropical storm, got ahold of the fleet just as they got to the Caribbean, and battered the hell out of them, and finished up by blowing them all the way into the Gulf, just a few miles off the coast of Mexico. This wasn’t good- there was all that bad juju I mentioned between England and Spain.. But there was no way they were getting back to England in this shape, so Hawkins took advantage of the right of ships to seek haven from storms in the nearest port- “any port in a storm”, that’s where that comes fromand limped into Veracruz, Mexico, smack-dab in the middle of Spanish territory. They fixed up his ships there in Veracruz, and Hawkins started for home again, but karma walloped him upside the head again in the shape of thirteen Spanish ships that attacked his fleet just as soon as it set foot- or would it be keel? outside the harbor. The fight that ensued went down in history under the name of the battle of San Juan de Ulúa- and that’s not all that went down in history. By the time the fat lady sang, four ships of Hawkins’ fleet of six were at the bottom of the gulf, along with all that sweet Spanish oro Hawkins had created via the evil alchemy that magically turned human misery into cash for hundreds of years- and the topside of the Gulf was littered with English sailors bobbing around like buoys. Of the two ships left, the Judith , whose captain was a guy called Francis Drake, you may’ve heard of him- Frank and Judith and company, having had enough for the moment, lit out for England once again and apparently the third time was a charm. The second ship, the Minion , under command of that old seadog Hawkins, fished the survivors out of the water and pointed her whatever-the-front-part-of-a-ship-is-called toward home as well. With less success.

Quoth our old friend David Ingram, who as member of the crew had been through this whole circus along with

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Hawkins, Drake et al: “With manie sorowful hearts wee wandered in an unknown Sea by the space of fourteen days tyll hunger inforced us to seeke the lande.” The Minion was overcrowded and understocked, and Ingram, along with one hundred and thirteen other men, asked for the ship to pull over and let them out. They’d had enough fun for one trip and figured that if they stuck around any longer, “if they perished notte by drowning, yet hunger would inforce them the eatte one another.” At the very least, they figured, things couldn’t be too much more grim on land.

to prove this, but I know Sir John Hawkins leapt out of his chair like his butt was on fire when three of those dudes walked into his parlor a year later.

The sailors went ashore about thirty miles north of Tampico, which would be a couple hundred miles below Brownsville, Texas, which wasn’t there in 1567. It was October 8, and these battered, half-starved, waterlogged scarecrows had just landed deep in enemy territory with no clue what to do next and nothing to do it with, just a vague idea that some of their own countrymen might be found somewhere off to the Northeast. And they proceeded to do what lost, terrified, clueless people have done and always do, from the beginning of our time on earth: they took one step, followed it up with another one, and just kept on putting one foot in front of the other one. I mean what are you gonna do? So much of what we think of as bravery or courage is just like that, it’s the just keeping on walking, keeping on getting out of bed and brushing your teeth, putting on your bra and remembering to breathe, although I have no evidence to suggest that these stranded sailors wore bras. You know that saying, giving up is not an option? I mean, it really isn’t , unless you actually kill yourself, and most all of us, it turns out, have this really strong determination to stay alive no matter how bad things get, so when things do get really awful and there’s nothing else to do, most of us just keep on waking up and being, just plodding forward. I’ve been told a couple of times that I’ve been brave during this or that thing that’s happened (mostly by people trying to flatter me up because they’re about to ask me to make the rice and beans for a bbq), and really thinking about it I realized that for real, all in the world I did was just not kill myself. I wasn’t brave, I was often terrified and gave up all the time and bitched and felt sorry for myself, but I just kept on living anyway. Maybe, I don’t know, sometimes maybe that’s all that bravery or courage or whatever, is, just stubbornly refusing to quit breathing and keeping on trudging along til things get to looking up.

It was the Fall of 1569, and a French trading ship, the Gargaryne [or La Gargarine , all this is from a time before spelling was standardized], captained by one M Champaign, was in port at the little fishing village of Cape Breton on the easternmost tip of (what’s today) Nova Scotia. If you don’t know where Cape Breton is, picture the state of Maine in your head, take a hard right, and get to walking til you run out of land, and way out there on the tippy-tip of Nova Scotia, hanging out into the ocean, that’s Cape Breton. You can see Newfoundland from Cape Breton (I’m told), and you might even be able to see Greenland from Cape Breton, but Newfoundland’s in the way. Anyway, I don’t know exactly what Captain Champaign and the Gargaryne were doing in Cape Breton this particular day in autumn, 1569, until the moment when three guys in a “native canoe” pulled up alongside the bigger boat and asked if they could climb aboard. And once on board, they told a tale that pinned M Champaign’s ears back.

Woof, what was that? You don’t hafta read that paragraph at all, actually. NOW I tell you, right?

Well David Ingram and his companions started their trek with those single steps and their vague, sort of hopeless intentions, to wit, they, “thought it best to travell along by the Sea coast, to seeke out some place of habitation: whether they were Christians or Savages, we were indifferent.” After some of their number were (almost immediately) killed by natives and half of them decided to try their luck by heading west (where they were captured by the Spanish and enslaved), the rest of the sailors- all told, about 25 men- put David Ingram in charge and they struck out for the northeast.

Hawkins, meanwhile, finally made it back to England in January, 1569, after a miserable voyage. “Our men being oppressed with Famine, died continually,” he wrote of the last leg of that journey, “wee were scantly able to manure [maneuver] our ship.” If he ever thought about those 114 men he’d left on the shore of Mexico- and I bet he did- he must’ve heaved a sigh, the canny old pirate, I mean privateer, and said a prayer for their souls, crossed himself, although I don’t think he was Catholic, in fact, I think that was a big part of the unpleasantness between England and Spain and Henry VII and all, but you know what I mean. At any rate, I don’t have any documentation

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After eleven months wandering on the North American continent, David Ingram and two of his comrades, Richard Brown and Richard Twyde, found themselves near the head of a river, “60 leagues west from Cape Britton,” Ingram figured, “ where they understode by the people of that countrye, of the aryvall of a Christian.”

Their journey, it seemed, was over.

“Sir,” the three men told Champaign, “You’re looking at the first three Europeans to walk across the continent of North America.” Nah, they didn’t say that. They might’ve cried a lot in relief and kissed the ground and stuff, or maybe they looked around the ship and said Huh, it’s gonna be tough riding on one of these things again after that last business, or they might’ve said, a little sheepishly, Dude, Cap’n, I know this is weird but I would pay you for a clean pair of chonies man, I haven’t changed my shorts in a year and they’re like literally just a waistband anymore. I don’t know the kinda shipboard etiquette thing. But they did manage to get across to the surely astonished Captain Champaign that they’d just spent the last year traipsing from Tampico, Mexico, to Cape Breton, a distance of three thousand miles. Three THOUSAND miles.

Champaign gave them a ride home. “[T]here found a French Captaine named Monsieur Champaigne, who tooke them into his Shippe and brought them unto Newhaven, & from thence they were transported into England, Anno Dom. 1569.” Once back in England they barged in on Sir John Hawkins, who gave them an unspecified reward after he finished picking up all his teeth from the floor, or his eyeballs, or whatever had fallen out when these three ghosts had shown up in his midst and scared the bejesus out of him. As for him, Sir John, he and Francis Drake (who also got sirred) both became admirals and went back and beat the tar out of the Spanish Armada later on.

And the three travelers went back to their lives too. They were all illiterate, so they didn’t write their adventures down, but they were said to have been great storytellers and turned their tales into pints in the taverns of London for years. The two Richards eventually died, and then one day David finally caught the interest of somebody official, who interviewed him and wrote down the story of this last survivor, which was published in 1582 as Ye Relation of David Ingram of Barking, in ye Countie of Essex, Sayler [sailor]. Books were often given catchy titles like that back in the day.

Ingram told of the animals he and his companions had seen in the New World, including lots of buffalo, bear, horses, cattle, wolves, foxes, deer, goats, sheep, hares and conies- which is how the British still differentiate between things like jackrabbitswho are hares- and cottontails. The horse thing is especially interesting, since the Spanish explorers were only supposed to have introduced horses to North America in 1519, when some of them were thought to have escaped and gone native, eventually creating herds numbering into the hundreds of thousands. But it’s always been believed that it took them a lot longer that fifty years to populate to that extent. On the other hand, there did used to be horses here, a long, long time ago, I’m talking about 8,000 to 12,000 years ago, and indigenous people always insisted that horses were known and domesticated long before the arrival of Europeans, so...what’s that all about?

Ingram also made another claim that’s caused people to look at him askance (like he’s nuts), and that’s this one right here: “He did alsoe see in that countrye boath Eliphantes and ounces.” Ounces, that’s ok, that’s easy enough, because that’s what they called lynxes, or bobcats or pumas- that kinda thing. I’ll tell you the truth- I’ve never really known the difference between any of those things, and call the lot of ‘em mountain lions and hope no one presses me on it. The same thing with donkeys, jackasses, burros , mules, et al. Eliphantes, though, you can figure that one out in spite of the oddball spelling.

In another place I’ve seen it quoted ‘olifants’ and I still knew what he was getting at. David Ingram said he saw elephants in Texas.

I’ve read various speculation about this claim of his- that Ingram made it up out of whole cloth, maybe to impress his ghostwriter, maybe because he’d forgotten some stuff in the intervening twelve or so years and was trying to jazz it up. Or that he’d been spinning his yarn in pubs around town and his story had gotten crazier with each successive telling. Or that he was simply a liar, he didn’t walk any 3,000 miles, a boat picked him up and took him to Nova Scotia and to hell with that guy anyway.

But... a couple of things. First of all, a lot of explorers have made wildly extravagant claims about things they’ve seen on their travels, including Marco Polo, but their basic credibility remains intact. But there’s still another way of thinking. Texan author CF Echhardt talked about two monsters of native lore, the pasnuta of the Osage people and the caranco of the Bidai, both of which were described by Indians old enough to have seen them, as looking a lot like an elephant. Eckhardt wondered if what Ingram saw, and what the Osage and Bidai people called pasnuta or carancro, might have been the last of the wooly mammoths. These creatures, Eckhardt stressed, “have been called ‘mythical monsters’ only because white men never saw them (or at least never saw them and lived to tell about it.) To the Indians neither pasnuta nor carancro were mythical.” And after all, these ‘monsters’ hadn’t been gone all that long, according to the natives, by the time Europeans started showing up en masse around 1600they had existed in living memory, after all. “Did David Ingram, the first English-speaking white man we know for sure walked in Texas, actually see a living mammoth or mastodon- perhaps even more than one- here in Texas in the mid-1500s?” Eckhardt pondered.

One more thing about those olifants. Ingram’s claim to have seen elephant-like monsters in Texas was not the first mention made of such a thing. You know who else said they’d seen elephants here? Those ancient Chinese travelers from the Shan Hai King.

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WHAT YOU ARE

By Kendall D. Aaron

I’ve got kids that are of the age that they are starting to be exposed to some unscrupulous characters. My teenaged daughter talks about the girls that are very mean to some of the less popular kids, and my 12 year old talks about some of the teenagers that are smoking weed at the skatepark. They both recognize that the behaviors of these kids isn’t good, but they also speak to how they spend time around them simply because their social circles include some of these characters.

No, my son doesn’t hang out with drug dealers, but some of the kids smoking weed are friends with some of his other friends, so there’s interaction. My daughter isn’t a bully like some of these girls, but they share similar interests and find themselves interaction from time to time.

I

I’m no different. I have people in my life that I know are actively cheating on their wives.

I know men that have stolen from their employers. I know men that are so hard on their kids, they should probably be investigated by CPS. No, I don’t have lunch with these people, but I know them and I politely shake their hands when I see them and am civil with them.

My dad told me one time when I was about the age of my 12 year old: “Show me your FRIENDS and I’ll tell you what you are.” That was one of those nuggets of wisdom that has stuck with me my entire life and has probably kept me out of a great deal of trouble.

I have repeated it for my kids more times than I can count, and (knock on wood), so far it has had the same effect on them. It’s hard at their ages because sometimes the “coolest” kids are also the ones doing the stupidest stuff. But sure enough, when the kids tell me about the behavior that they know is wrong, I can say, “You know what my dad always said….” And they’ll say “I know – show me your friends and I’ll tell you what you are… but don’t worry – I don’t hang out with them.”

Jesus hung out with some pretty crummy people. Liars, cheats, thieves, adulterers, and murderers. These were some of his closest friends. So why would He choose to hang out with the lowest of the low? Does my Dad’s saying apply to Jesus? Of course not.

Jesus spent time around crummy people because He wanted us all to see that He loves everyone – even the people that sinned A LOT. No matter where you are in your life, or how much wreckage exists in your past history, Jesus has always wanted us to know that we are never “too bad” for Him – He loves us still the same. He also hung out with these characters to change them for the better. He took these guys with all these sins and

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crimes, and showed them a way to live a life that would ultimately provide them all the happiness that they ever wanted, and showed them how they could drop the baggage of their sins, be forgiven, and move on to becoming the men that God had called them to be. The point is: Sure, He hung out with some crummy people, but only so that He could lead them to being better people.

Just as my children do, I have a tendency to simply shun people that I know are not living correctly. I identify those that are hiding a very sinful nature, I declare that I am better than they are, and I avoid them. After all, I wouldn’t want to fraternize with known sinners…because then I’d be the same.

Problem is…I AM the same. Maybe I’m not cheating on my wife, but I’ve got plenty of skeletons in my closets, and the Bible says that God hates all sin the same…so my “sin” of cussing during football games is no different Bob’s sin of an affair. Beyond that, God CALLED on us to seek out the sinners and to tell them the Truth about God and about how they could change their lives. How am I doing that when I step away from these people, declare myself more righteous, and avoid them?

My dad’s advice is sound in that you don’t want to join a group of people that are actively committing sins so that you can join in on the fun. However, the hard part is to now encourage my kids (and myself) to attempt to engage these folks and show them that there is a different way to live. I remember being a 12 year old and being told to “spread the gospel” to my friends, and I also remember thinking “Man, I will be labeled a total weirdo!” Even as an adult, I struggle with this. “I don’t even know Bob well enough to engage him and try to share the Truth with him. Ugh.” But ultimately, that’s what we are called to do. Sometimes I ask myself, “Maybe Bob is an atheist. What if you never talk to him, and he dies tomorrow? And you missed your chance to potentially save Bob for all eternity?” This will normally get me going enough to at least try to start up a conversation.

The world is full of all sorts of unsavory characters. They are all around us, and are normally closer to you than you even realize. Heck, you even KNOW 10 people that you could probably lump into the “unsavory character” grouping right now.

Don’t become an unsavory character, but save one. Remember that you are just as unsavory as they are, join them in their journey, and encourage them to find a better life and to hear the Truth. You might fail initially, but sometimes all it takes is a seed to be planted.

Which is exactly how YOUR faith began.

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3rd grade class of 1946 on the steps of its school. Building now serves as Boerne City Hall.

Boerne Camper's Association event at the Cibolo Creek dam in 1890.

Albert Kutzer Garage. Later developed into Old Town.

The Gothic Revival stone church in 1929 named to honor St. Helena.

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T TEXAS MUSIC

PAT GREEN - DRINKIN’ DAYS

JESSE RAUB JR. - SITTIN’ HERE

Known for his rousing live shows and energetic stage presence, Pat Green is a three-time Grammy nominee who has sold over two million records, had a string of top ten singles, and appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Letterman and Austin City Limits. His last album, Home, saw his duet with Lyle Lovett, “Girls From Texas,” spend a massive 10 weeks at #1 on the Texas Music Chart and his new single, a perfect song for the summer, “Drinkin’ Days,” might just find the troubadour atop the charts once again. Written by Jaron Boyer, Ben Burges, and Phil Barton and recorded at Arlyn Studios, “Drinkin’ Days” is a nostalgic look back at a younger time when perhaps an adult beverage or two made the best of times just a little bit greater.

Some artists claim to have what it takes to not only perform for a crowd but to also capture their hearts.

Jesse Raub, Jr is one artist that can make that claim with complete conviction and truth.

A native Texan hailing from Magnolia, Texas, Jesse uses his roots and captures his love for his family and friends in the songs that he writes and sings. As the frontman of his own band. Jesse has spent the last 10 years traveling throughout the great state of Texas, rocking every venue he’s entered. By bringing in the traditional Texas Country sounds and merging them with true Southern Rock, Jesse has created a show that will keep the crowd on their feet throughout the entire show. His unique voice and true country twang continue to captivate his audiences as he merges the classic sounds of Haggard and Jones with the rocking sounds of Hank and Dwight Yoakam to create a high energy and entertaining show every night.

NATALIE ROSE - CONFORMITY

JOSH ABBOT BAND - TEXAS WOMEN, TENNESSEE WHISKEY

Proud to be born and raised a Texas girl, Natalie Rose grew up on a horse ranch just outside of her small town in South Texas. At just 4 years old, she quickly fell in love with Country music, admiring many artists. Her favorites include Dolly Parton, Patsy Cline, Reba McEntire and Martina McBride, and her songwriting and vocal talent display those influences. A little girl who never outgrew her big dreams, she went on to take lessons for guitar, vocals, and anything else she could grasp to widen her knowledge of music. Her blend of classic and modern influences invite all ages to enjoy her show. Her show is high energy, and she enjoys connecting with the crowd.

Additionally, she wants to resonate on a more emotional level with her audience by being a role model and inspirational figure for young girls and women.

Josh Abbott Band‘s “Texas Women, Tennessee Whiskey” is a danceable, good-time country song that’s a little bit of a 180 for the independent Texas country-rockers.

The mid-tempo song opens with a classic rock-esque electric piano that quickly bleeds into a modern country production with horns reminiscent of Lady Antebellum‘s recent hit “You Look Good.” It’s not rocket science and it’s not meant to be; the song’s only objective is to be groovy and fun. The band is simply blending a little bit of Texas song with a little bit of Nashville production and hopefully meeting everyone in the middle on the dance floor. Look for “Texas Women, Tennessee Whiskey” on Abbott’s forthcoming Until My Voice Goes Out album.

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JAKE WORTHINGTON - HELL OF A HIGHWAY In 2014, Jake Worthington was named “Runner-Up” on Season 6 of the hit NBC TV Show “The Voice”. While on the show Jake released 3 songs that reached top 20 on Billboard. Success from “The Voice” led to a Social Media presence that reaches nearly 250,000 people across the US. In October 2015 Jake released his first EP debuting at #16 Billboard Heat Seekers and #44 Billboard Country Albums. The first single off the EP “Just Keep Falling In Love” reached Top 50 on The Music Row Chart and Top 30 on The Texas Regional Radio Report. The Music Video was featured on GAC, CMT and many other outlets. In the summer of 2016, he released his follow-up single “How Do You Honky Tonk” and hit the road on the “How Do You Honky Tonk” Summer Tour sponsored by Amspec, Cinch Jeans and Ernie Ball. The tour featured 26 stops in 16 states. Jake recently released his sophomore EP featuring his #1 Single “A Lot of Room to Talk”. The EP debuted Top 10 on iTunes Country Albums Charts.

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OLD TIMER

G

God bless the Boerne Star. They did what is one of my all time favorite annual issues, which is their “BEST OF” issue.

Now, MOST of the categories contain legit winners. From “Best AC Company” to “Best Housekeeper”, I am sure that these categories are won by companies that truly are some of the BEST from our area. That said, there’s some real doozies in the BEST OF awards that are real knee slappers.

You see, the Star requires a paper ballot for a vote. What SOME businesses will do is go and buy a giant stack of newspapers (that contain the ballots) and sit their employees down and get them to “vote” over and over so that they are guaranteed a victory.

I shall now identify these categories, and, using my power as Old Timer, shall appoint the true winner in each category.

BEST MEXICAN FOOD: Winner in the Star: MARY’S Real Winner: every other Mexican food joint Mary’s Tacos is popular. I get this. I personally can’t stand their tacos, but hey, to each their own. That said, do breakfast tacos even qualify as “Mexican food”? It’s a tortilla with the filling of your choice. This isn’t Mexican food, for crying out loud. It’s a freaking breakfast taco.

By that measure I could wrap a tortilla around a mixture of apple cores and cat meat and call it Mexican food. Thus, their win is now nullified.

The proper winner is every other Mexican food joint in town that is actually serving MEXICAN FOOD. Yoli’s, Mague’s, Guadalajara…hell, Taco Cabana serves more Mexican food than Mary’s.

BEST HAMBURGER: Winner in the Star: Whataburger Real Winner: Little Gretel Really? Franchise fast food chain serves the BEST hamburgers? Seriously? Sigh. Look, Little Gretel was recently recognized by a most credible publication, Texas Monthly, as

producing one of the Top 50 Hamburgers in the State of Texas. I know that they are a Czech restaurant, but as someone that has eaten at least 100 of their hamburgers, they are truly the BEST hamburger in town. Whataburger – pfffft.

BEST MARGARITA: Winner in the Star: Taco Cabana Real Winner: Chili’s That’s right, Chili’s. The only reason I pick them is because they have a full array of margarita options, and they are made to order. Yes, it’s a franchise place, but they do have a selection of top shelf liquors, a wide variety, and they are pretty dang good. I can’t think of another restaurant in town that is making margaritas, much less providing a selection of different kinds. I know El Rio serves margaritas, but I also know they are insane expensive for a hohum frozen margarita. As for Taco Cabana, do I even have to comment on this one? Served in a plastic cup?

BEST JEWELRY STORE: Winner in the Star: James Avery Real Winner: Green Bull Jewelry This is what’s wrong with Boerne. Jerry at Green Bull has been tirelessly working behind his counter, producing world class jewelry for years and years. He lives here. He works the shop.

He answers the phone. Then mega-company James Avery opens a few months ago, and is elected BEST Jewelry Store. No community involvement. Run by employees. No owner on site. Feel shame, Boerne. Support your LOCAL businesses, please.

BEST CHURCH: Winner in the Star: St. Mark Presbyterian Real winner: Whichever church you attend Should we really be voting on this, for crying out loud? How many more miracles did St. Mark’s perform than other local churches?

C’mon, now.

I was sadly disappointed to see that the Star left out some of my old favorites such as “Best City Employee” and “Best Government Official”.

You better believe I would have had some fun with those. Come to think of it, I think I’ll pick winners anyway: BEST CITY EMPLOYEE: The Janitor at the Courthouse.

I’m serious. I don’t even know her name, but she’s a shorter Hispanic woman. Always has a smile, waves to everyone, and whistles while she works. And I tell you what, the building is spotless. I like her. She makes my heart smile.

BEST GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: There is none greater than Mad Money Mike $chultz.

This is not because I think he’s doing a good job, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. However, in terms of being able to polish a turd so much that the citizens (sometimes) believe what he says, we haven’t had a Mayor as good as this in a LONG time. Maybe ever. He can hide info from you, vote for it without you knowing, and then when you find out and rage about it, he can distract you so fast that you forget about it and move on to the next outrage. Meanwhile, your town is destroyed. Ta-Da. (As for Government Official REALLY trying to think and preserve this town: I like Steven Tye on City Council. He’s about 16 (just kidding, he’s probably 30), but he seems like a smart kid and has some high ideals.)

There you have it. See you next year when the Star does this again. I wait for it eagerly. Now leave me alone and quit emailing me.

EVERYONE wins when you’re drunk off your ass.

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