How you might be feeling

The grief you experience in response to the death of someone close to you might involve acute pain when you remember the past with them, wish they were here with you in the present, and imagine the things they will not be with you for in the future.

Perhaps, if your relationship to them was not always as you would have wished, you might also be grieving the loss of a chance to have the relationship to them that you had hoped for.

Everyone experiences different emotions whilst grieving; these are some of the most commonly reported:

Intense sadness

All-consuming sadness after bereavement is very normal and it is not unusual for intense sadness to last a long time.

This does not always involve crying, and if you feel that you are unable to cry despite feeling intensely sad, this is not unusual. You might also find that you cry at times when you are not expecting to or in response to things that do not seem directly related to your loss.

The difference between grief and depression can be a bit of a blurry line and you, or people around you may want to see if you fit the diagnosis. It might be more helpful to think in terms of what your experiences are (such as sleep difficulties, difficulty concentrating, loss of interest in hobbies/activities, low energy.)

Give space to gently address those difficulties over time without getting too hung up on what to call what you are living through.

Grief can make us feel that we do not want to wake up in the morning, that it will be impossible to go on, or that life is not worth living anymore.

While these thoughts are common during the grieving process, if you are having thoughts about actively wanting to end your life or you are concerned about whether you can keep yourself safe, then please consider if there is someone you trust to share these feelings with so that they can help you feel safer.

Numbness

There may be periods of time when you feel nothing at all, or feel very cut-off from yourself, from others and from day- to-day concerns. People often describe feeling like the death is not real or a sense that the person who died may appear at any moment. This may be especially the case if the death was sudden, unexpected or you did not see them when they were dying or after they had died.

If you experience numbness or feelings of emptiness, you might feel worried or guilty that you are not feeling sad. It is a very normal and common experience when you grieve as your mind tries to adjust to a new reality without the person who died, whilst protecting you from being overwhelmed by the full implications of that all at once.

It is common for people to go into survival mode and busy themselves with the day-to-day tasks that need to be done to keep money coming in, people fed and so on. This means that there can often be a delay to the full impact on our emotions.

Once some kind of new normal starts, people can find that their loss and the full emotional impact of everything that has happened to them hits them the harder later.

This is very normal but can mean that people find themselves struggling emotionally just as the initial offers of support may have subsided and the people around them assume that they are through the worst and/or that you appear to have everything under control.

It can be helpful to respond to early offers of help and support with a holding reply via text or email or in person. This will be in your own words but something like this might help you to frame it:

“Thank you for your support/offer of help. At the moment I am focussed on getting through the next days/weeks/months. It is hard to know at this moment what I might need when I get beyond that. Please check in with me again in a few days/weeks/ months and I may be able to take you up on your kindness.”

If you don’t feel up to doing that yourself, you may want to ask someone you trust to send similar messages on your behalf.

If you feel detached from the world around you for sustained periods of time and you are concerned that you feel disconnected from others, or if your life circumstances mean that you continue to feel emotionally numb, then you might want to consider getting some support outside your immediate circle.

There is a list of services that can quickly and effectively support you at the back of this guide.

You might be feeling worried, anxious or fearful for many reasons after the death of someone close to you. You may be feeling worried about how best to organise a funeral or do any of the administrative tasks that need to be completed after a death.

Depending on the circumstances around their death, you might be waiting for post-mortem results, which can bring with it high levels of anxiety. You may have depended on the person who has died for practical or emotional support during times of stress and be feeling their loss during an uncertain and anxiety- provoking time.

Many bereaved people become worried about things they would normally have taken in their stride and which may seem to be unrelated to the death of the person close to them, such as using public transport, driving, shopping, or being in big social gatherings. They may also experience a general loss of confidence in their skills, such as feeling less able to do their day job, more unsure as a parent, socially anxious when they were outgoing before etc.

People sometimes see or hear the person that has died when they are going about their everyday lives. While some people find this comforting, others can feel unsettled or frightened by it.

This does not mean you are going mad as these are not unusual experiences to have following a death and are all part of your mind processing what has happened.

Anxiety often produces strong physical sensations in our body which can be frightening under normal circumstances if you do not know what they are, but which can also mimic health conditions. For example, anxiety can lead to:

• heart racing

• sweating

• chest pains/tightness

• shortness of breath/breathing faster

• feeling lightheaded/dizzy

• increased muscle tension/aches

• feeling sick/needing the toilet

If you are ill, it is unlikely that these symptoms would reliably go away altogether after 20 minutes of sitting still and doing controlled breathing, after avoiding a particular situation, or after distracting yourself. If you are experiencing these physical reactions persistently, speak to your GP.

Anger

It is very common and understandable to feel angry about the death of someone close to you. This can be directed towards the person who has died for leaving you behind; for doing, or not doing things that might have led to a different outcome for them or you.

People can get angry about things that were or were not said between you; things that were or were not done. Depending on the circumstances around their death, you might also feel angry with other people, if you feel that they, or you, were let down in some way.

You may experience intense anger towards strangers who appear to be carrying on as normal in a world that seems completely different. You may find that you get intensely angry about seemingly insignificant or unrelated things.

You may just find yourself more generally irritable or annoyed and having more disagreements with those close to you or taking it out on your family. Or you may notice that you are less generous and kind in your thoughts; this can feel shocking if you generally think of yourself as a good person and then find yourself feeling resentful in response to people’s apparently happy social media announcements, for example.

These feelings are very common and it can be appropriate to express anger about the situation you find yourself in. However, acting out our anger or suppressing it can have unintended negative consequences on our relationships, our health and our everyday functioning.

If you are worried that anger might be negatively affecting your behaviour you should consider seeking further support. Asking for help when you are struggling with something is a sign of strength, not of weakness.

Regret, guilt and shame

It is common to feel that we could have done more before someone’s death and to go over whether it might have turned out differently if we had made different decisions. You may feel that you should have invested more in the relationship before their death.

Try to bring self-compassion to these thoughts and be kind to yourself.

Some people feel relief after the death of someone close to them and this can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. This may be because the person who died was very unwell or in a lot of pain before their death or because their quality of life would have been very poor had they continued to live. It can also come up when you have been under sustained stress before their death.

If you had a difficult relationship to the person that has died this might also trigger very conflicted feelings about their death. It is completely understandable to feel this way, as human relationships are complex and will invite a range of emotional responses.

If, after three to four months, you are still struggling with these thoughts and feelings, you may wish to seek further support.