Things that can help with intense or difficult emotions

The amount of emotions and their intensity can feel overwhelming but they usually become more manageable as time goes on. It takes strength and courage to accept these emotions without developing further unhelpful reactions such as self-criticism or getting stuck with going over the same negative thoughts. Listed below are some simple techniques that may help you.

Posture

Sit in a chair with your feet firmly on the ground, about shoulder width apart. Sit in an upright, confident position, imagining lengthening your spine slightly. Allow your shoulders to open and drop slightly.

See if you can maintain this for a few minutes. See what it is like to allow a slight smile or friendly expression to come to your face.

This can help to bring the intensity of an emotion down a notch or two.

5-4-3-2-1 grounding

This is a relatively simple approach to help to reduce emotional intensity using the five senses.

5 – Wherever you are, take a few moments to look around, and notice (maybe name these in your head) five things that you can see.

4 – Next notice four things that you can feel. So that might be the contact between your feet and the floor, or your body and the chair. It could be the sensations of clothes against your skin, or the temperature or movement of the air.

3 – Become aware of three things that you can hear. (Again, you may want to silently label these in your head).

2 – Focus now on trying to notice two things that you can smell. Don’t worry if you find this difficult, the attempt to do this is helpful in itself in focusing you on the here and now.

1 – Finally focus on one thing that you can taste. You could just notice whatever taste is currently in your mouth (which might be subtle) or it could be helpful to take a sip of water or perhaps have a mint and just pay attention to what that tastes like.

This won’t make the emotions go away and it is not about trying to avoid them but it may help you to slow down and create a space around the feeling.

Mindfulness

This can be helpful with learning to handle difficult emotions: it can help us to notice unhelpful (although understandable) attempts to avoid intense emotions and become more familiar with our own reactions to them, such as suppressing or blocking. It can also help us to accept the experience of strong emotions without being overwhelmed by them.

The links below are good places to start if you want to explore this:

www.headspace.com or www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/ tips-and-support/mindfulness

Learning to breathe in a calming, soothing rhythm can affect our bodies in ways that help to create an inner sense of stability in the face of strong emotion. If you want to try this, sit somewhere quiet in a comfortable upright posture, resting your gaze or closing your eyes, and notice how you are already breathing. Then gently try to breathe in a smooth, even way. This is likely to be a slower, deeper rhythm than usual but it should feel comfortable to your body.

To begin with it can be helpful to count in your head alongside your breathing: breathe in deeply through your nose for (1-2-3); keep your lungs full (1-2); breathe out through your mouth (1- 2-3); keep your lungs empty (1-2); repeat. Exact timings are not important but see if you can slow down over time.

You can download apps to your phone that can help set a soothing breathing rate (for example, take a look at Breathing Zone or Calm).

This link is a good place to start if you want to explore this further: www.balancedminds.com

Try writing

Sometimes, when we are caught up with intense feelings, it can be helpful to use writing to gain a little space from the experience. Some people find that they can break thinking loops by getting them down in black and white, and perhaps gain some perspective.

Take 5 or 10 minutes to write about the emotion you are experiencing such as anger or fear. Allow yourself to express

what thoughts, urges or desires you are experiencing and why you are feeling this way. Don’t worry if what you write doesn’t make sense as this is not important. What matters is for you to express with words, what you are feeling.

Some people find it particularly useful to keep a pad and pen by their bed to get down strong emotions or racing thoughts at night that are making it difficult to switch off and sleep.

Physical activity

Many people swear by physical exercise as a helpful strategy in dealing with strong emotions. It is likely that part of this effect is through physiological changes associated with certain types of exercise, but similar to writing, it may be that it helps to change what we are doing, helping us to become less immersed in feelings.

Think about what type of exercise has been helpful and pleasurable for you in the past or an activity that you enjoy.

Foster good sleep habits

Poor sleep is very common for people who are grieving. The prospect of trying to sleep can become daunting as this can be the time when memories, or traumatic images for some, can be most present in our minds. It may also be the time, when others are asleep or we are alone, that we have no distractions from thinking about how our life has changed or worrying about our futures.

Some people can turn night into day in their efforts to avoid sleep, staying awake most of the night and only sleeping in the early hours.

Unfortunately, lack of sleep can intensify emotions such as sadness, fear and anger. See the advice later in this guide on how to get some good sleep habits in place.