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How Children and Young People Grieve
How Children and Young People Grieve
Adults can be very concerned about the impact of bereavement on a child in the family.
Grief is a normal, natural and healthy response to loss for people of all ages and cultures, as we seek to make sense of what has happened, what this means to us and how we are feeling.
Like adults, children and young people will vary greatly in the ways they experience and express their grief. Every family and each individual member will grieve in their own unique way.
Keeping the lines of communication open with your children – to enable them to explore their feelings – can help alleviate any anxieties.
How to respond
Our experience and feedback from children and young people suggests that the following ways of responding can be helpful to them:
• It is OK for you and your children to feel sad, angry, confused, empty, guilty, anxious and many other emotions – and it’s OK if you don’t. But be ready to share feelings with your children. Trying to hide them can cause a child to feel confused and isolated.
• Be ready to listen. Children can suffer irrational fears and guilt, believing that they have done something to cause the death.
• Be ready to acknowledge what is being said without giving advice.
• Be ready to explain and answer questions honestly and clearly.
You may have to do this over and over again, if necessary, in words suitable for the child’s age.
• Be prepared to admit you don’t know all the answers.
• Avoid giving incorrect information, half-truths or euphemisms – for example: ‘He/she has gone to sleep’ – instead, use ‘dead’, ‘death’, ‘died’.
• Be aware that children may grieve in ways that are unexpected and baffling. A child who seems to be coping may suddenly become clinging, demanding, angry or aggressive. Bad behaviour may be a sign of distress, rather than naughtiness.
• Be ready to involve children and young people in planning and attending funeral ceremonies, but ensure that they know what to expect and have support.
• Be ready to include children and young people in decisions – for example, where the ashes are to be scattered or the wording on the headstone.
• Be ready to offer lots of reassurance. Children and young people need to know that they are still loved and cared for through this difficult time.
• Be ready to keep the memory of the person alive by talking about them, looking at photographs of the person who has died, making a memory box and so on.
• Where possible, try to maintain a normal routine while grieving, encouraging the child or young person to engage in normal and familiar activities.
• Children will often be afraid that someone else is going to die. Try to recognise this feeling and put the fear into proportion.
• Older children will realise that they too will die one day and may feel frightened and anxious or even indulge in reckless behaviour.
• Children can lose themselves in play or activities more easily than adults. This does not mean that they have forgotten. Children need to play and have fun and enjoy life. 22
When a family member dies, not only do children and young people have to cope with the loss of the person and their unique relationship, they often experience secondary losses which may occur quite some time after the death – for example, loss of money, or changes at home and school.
A death may bring other changes in a child or young person’s life – for example, in their relationships with family and friends.
Communication with schools can help when there has been a death of a significant person in the life of a child or young person.
Schools need to be informed of significant dates or anniversaries surrounding the death so they are aware why any changes of behaviour or concentration might occur in a child or young person.
St Giles Hospice holds several memorial events and initiatives to support you in remembering your loved one:
• Celebrate Lives Lived in May
www.stgileshospice.com/celebrateliveslived
• Light up a Life in December
www.stgileshospice.com/lightupalife
• Dedicate a leaf on the Memory Tree
