HOW CAN GOING ‘ALL IN’ WORK IF BINGEING TRIGGERS PURGING?

Written By Victoria Kleinsman

“If I allow myself to eat all of my forbidden foods then it will trigger bingeing and then purging, as bingeing is a trigger for me to purge. How is it possible to eat unrestricted and stop purging?”

Question by the lovely Anaisa, a listener of the podcast and a Rebel Queen inside our Wealth & Self-Love membership. Bingeing is a natural biological response to restriction. Purging is not. I’m going to say that again…

Bingeing is a natural biological response to restriction. Purging is not.

Purging is a compensatory behavior. Purging is your safety net. You purge because you absolutely cannot (or you currently think that you cannot) sit with the overwhelming discomfort of feeling shame and fullness after the “binge”

But guess what ? YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS, my love!

There is ALWAYS a reason why we do something, even when we consciously say that we don’t want to do something, unconsciously we do And our unconscious drives 95% of all of our behaviors

Here is why you want to purge even though you say you don’t want to:

It relieves anxiety

That overwhelming feeling that I just touched on of feeling physically full and emotionally distraught, is a form of anxiety Anxiety is fear

I remember after a binge, right before I would compensate by purging one way or another, I would be engulfed in selfdisgust I would feel so bad that I would literally want to crawl out of my skin and not come back for a week until I was empty again I felt like I needed to escape this feeling NOW otherwise I was going to die or explode or something The feeling is indescribable in words but it saddens me to say that I’m sure so many of you can relate ? When you purge, it relieves a lot of that

The feeling of emptiness or cleanliness

Again, this is born from fear (der, all of it is! ) The emptiness brings a feeling of safety and “ok-ness” that only those that have experienced this will understand what I’m talking about If you haven’t purged before (thank goodness), it is similar to the feeling of being starving hungry, and having an empty stomach The safety and reward you get when you experience that And the cleanliness part is linked to OCD and orthorexia (and often to past sexual abuse)

You think it will help you to cope with life

“I need to pure NOW because otherwise, I won’t be able to function at work tomorrow ” or similar You think that if you don’t empty yourself then literally the whole world is going to end (I’m not exaggerating or taking the piss, I’ve been there!)Because you keep doing the purging behavior then you keep feeding into this fear and making it stronger. (More about that in a moment).

Fear of weight gain

Most likely THE biggest driver of purging and compensatory behaviors the absolutely paralyzing fear of gaining weight Am I right or am I right ? You purge in an attempt to avoid this at all costs Purging via vomiting can only remove up to about half of the calories eaten –which means that, realistically, between half to two-thirds of what is eaten is absorbed by the body anyway

When you re-wire your fear of weight gain, believe it or not, you are not sacred of weight gain (whether it actually happens or not) I know that sounds literally IMPOSSIBLE, but I’ve done it and for 20 years of my life, my biggest fear was gaining weight I’ve done several episodes about the fear of weight gain so go check them out Here and here are a few to get you started.

You don’t trust your body

“All that food I’ve just eaten is way too much for my body to cope with. I need to get rid of it to ‘help’ my body.” Familiar? You think that your body can’t cope and you don’t trust your body to process the food and do what it needs to do Most of this comes from control and the fear of weight gain You try to control your body and don’t trust it to do what it needs to do and so you intervene

Trust me, purging is WAY more harmful to your body than ANY amount of processed food. Read about it. and here. The truth is, your body knows what to do with the food you eat. You have a digestive system for a reason, you don’t need to try to control it. You don’t try to control every breath you take, do you…?

Release

For some, purging brings physical and emotional release. This is born out of not being able to process emotions and express needs or/and can satisfy the need to stay consistent with the familiarity of abuse

Often, when someone has been abused but has left the abusive environment behind, they tend to recreate the abuse by abusing themselves in ways that feel similar to the past abuse

How to stop purging

Ok so now you’re more aware of why you purge, even when you say you don’t want to, I’m going to share with you how to stop as you eat unrestricted (go all-in”) to recover from the eating disorder

I want to circle back to the question;

“If I allow myself to eat all of my forbidden foods then it will trigger bingeing and then purging, as bingeing is a trigger for me to purge How is it possible to eat unrestricted and stop purging?”

Before I go into how to stop purging I want to touch on this part of what Anaisa said; “If I allow myself to eat all of my forbidden foods then it will trigger bingeing“

Right off the back of that, she’s already creating a self-fulfilling prophecy for herself, can you see that? “If I allow myself to eat all of my forbidden foods then it will trigger bingeing“

Can she tell the future?

I know I”m being picky here and of course, I know that she has said that because I am assuming she has experienced exactly that (binge eating when she’d allowed herself to eat her forbidden foods) for however many years However (and I’m going to bring it back to the second person here) if you are already predicting that you WILL binge when you eat your forbidden foods then what do you think you’re going to do? Your words are incredibly powerful as your words create an intention for your actions

Forbidden foods

Look at this part of her sentence with me; “If I allow myself to eat all of my forbidden foods“…

Using the word allow already suggests that you’re going to let yourself do something that you don’t normally do and therefore shouldn’t do. This amplifies that there is mental restriction around food. Do you say “I’m going to allow myself to have a glass of water?” or do you just have a glass of water because you want one? Why is that?

Using the words “forbidden foods” is coming from the same context. Foods that are not allowed. Foods that are bad and wrong Of course, you’re going to binge on those foods as restriction creates a reaction A rebellion against what was restricted It’s biology AND mindset, all born from a fear response

What is a “binge”?

Now let’s get into what bingeing even means If I asked you to describe it to someone who had never heard of the words ‘binge eating’ before, how would you describe it?

I’m assuming that most of you would describe it with a negative connotation attached to it Do you think bears binge when they eat loads of honey or whatever it is they eat ready for hibernation? Why or why not?

Would you describe a dog who has been beaten and starved for years as “bingeing” when it eats like it’s never seen food before? Why or why not?

(FYI – most of you will have starved and abused yourself for many years…)

Binge eating is simply a natural biological response to physical or mental restriction.

We only think it’s bad because of our conditioning and false information. Even in in-patient treatment centers for anorexia recovery, some professionals say to the patients “Be careful not to go too far the other way and binge eat”..!!!!!!!! I mean wtf!!!!!! Their literally telling someone whose fear of eating is literally and actually killing them not to eat too much?!

To me, that’s like someone getting professional help to overcome a fear of heights and just as they’re starting to overcome it, the professional pretends to push them off the edge of a cliff and then describes to them how painful their death would have been if they had fallen!

So going back to bingeing, bingeing is not bad or wrong, it’s your body’s way of protecting you and getting what it needs in order to repair and survive Even if you “binge” when you’re full it’s only because you’re mentally restricting and therefore your biology is driving you to eat because it fears impending restriction.

So let’s change the word binge to reactionary ate. As that’s what it is and has no moral judgment linked to it. And whether or not you reactionary eat a lot or a little during your recovery, that is perfectly ok, normal, and all part of your journey.

Goodness, I reactionary ate for MONTHS as I refused to believe that it was ok and I still kept trying to micro-restrict my body and my food If your body has been starving for years then don’t be alarmed that you’ll eat a lot of food for a long time

Surrender Trust the process Get support from someone who knows what they’re doing and has been through it themselves to face your fears and start your journey to recovery? or to stay in the familiarity and the “safety” of the ED?

Why do you want to stop purging/recovering from the ED?

What do you want more?

Write down in depth why you want to recover What are you so done with? What do you want to break free from and why? Uncover your why that makes you cry

Create your vision

Write down in depth the vision you have for your life and yourself WHEN you are recovered. Allow yourself to think big. What will your life be like when you are free from the ED? How do you feel every day? What will you do? What will you be working towards if you weren’t thinking all day about food and your body? Write it all out. And don’t worry if you don’t yet believe that you can have what you want. It’s normal to feel that way at this stage as it’s a lack of self-belief and selftrust and all you have as evidence currently is that you can’t recover.

Understand and know your power to change

“In order to recover from an eating disorder, you CANNOT act like a person with an eating disorder.” -Tabitha Farrar

Read that again

Of course, comes the question “HOW can I just act like a person who doesn’t have an ED?” If it were that simple I would have done it already ”

Well, yes and no. Firstly, you have to really want to change and be ready and willing to leave the hell hole of your comfort zone. If you don’t really want to recover then you won’t. If the (false) sense of security and control is worth more to you than what recovery promises (with a hit load of evidence from others that have recovered, including me) then accept that you are choosing to stay where you are. I say all of this with love… I have been where you are. I felt stuck and felt like I couldn’t change And yet here I am

How? Because I wanted it enough AND I understand and know what I’m going to share with you now

Identity

Your identity is your self-image and your identity drives everything

You don’t get what you want, you get your HABITS and IDENTITY

You learn EVERYTHING as a small child You must rehabituate your habits and/or change your subconscious IDENTITY to HAVE what you want in life.

Currently, you identify as a person with an eating disorder

Your paradigm is having an ED Your past conditioning, experiences, ways of coping, and habits formed have created this paradigm Your automatic thinking brain (habits) and your emotional brain (psychological) are keeping you stuck where you are

3 parts of the brain that I work with:

The brain stem – survival part – the oldest part (lowest)

The emotional brain (Amygdala – middle)

The prefrontal cortex is the most evolved part of our brain – logical thinking (front)

A paradigm is a standard, perspective, or set of ideas. A paradigm is a way of looking at something.

Paradigms are important because they define how we perceive reality and how we behave within it Everyone is subject to the limitations and distortions produced by their socially conditioned nature

If you attempt to recover from an ED from your current identity, living in the same paradigm as you have for many years, then it’s practically impossible to change long term

This is why in order to create change, you must create a new identity for yourself which automatically creates a different paradigm I can’t go into enough depth here about exactly how to do this for yourself as I need to understand what your current paradigm is, what your personal values are, whether or not you’re in alignment with those or if you have conflicting values, what’s blocking you from creating change and what trauma you have stored within you. There are many layers to each of us. But what I can and will do is share to the best of my ability, how to start creating a new identity for yourself.

Thinking vs Conscious thought

Everything we experience in life is a function of three things;

1

2.

3.

Mind – we are alive Consciousness – we are aware Thoughts – we think

Your brain is not your mind and your mind is not your brain.

Your brain is an organ and an exceptionally smart “tool”. Your mind is consciousness. You create with your mind You change who you are with your mind You create your reality with the power of your mind

If you were on an operating table and you had no consciousness (no mind), you’d just be a bag of skin You’d still have your brain, but you wouldn’t be able to use it It’s your mind that uses the brain

If you think your brain and mind are the same things, then that’s why you say you can’t change and you believe it

Your beliefs create your paradigm and your identity creates your beliefs.

Your identity is whom you believe yourself to BE

Your identity is created for you by your environment and parents/caregivers from the age of 0-9

The great Greek philosopher Aristotle once said, “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.” This is the software that has been downloaded for you whether you like it or not! Your brain is the hardware and your conditioning is the software

When working with actual computers/phones, it’s easy to just wipe out software and replace it with a new one Because we are human, we have things called emotions and habits I’m sure you’re very much aware of these!

Your brain thinks all the time – automatically How does it know what to think? You’ve thought these thoughts over and over and now your brain gives them to you automatically Where did you get these thoughts from? Conditioning Your parents Your environment

You are not your thoughts.

You are the thinker of your thoughts.

Therefore you get to choose where you hold your attention and what thoughts to think.

Your thoughts are not facts.

You get to choose what you’d prefer to think Of course, at this early stage, your beliefs will not be in alignment with what you want to think and believe but you need to start here This is how you were conditioned in the first place as a child and when you were a child, your brain was in a state of hypnosis

How often have you ever had a thought by itself that you consciously created? Usually, you’ll be swamped by and living IN the automatic thoughts of the thinking brain

“I’m not going to purge tonight. This is so hard. I’ll never be able to change. I can’t stop purging. Whom am I kidding? I need to, I don’t have a choice.”…

This is why hypnosis is just as important if not more so, than mindset work as you are changing your identity. Mindset is; a person’s disposition, attitude or mood. way of thinking and their opinions a mental attitude or inclination

Everything that you believe, you have been programmed to believe

Hypnosis

Hypnosis influences the unconscious mind (which controls 95% of your behaviours) Of course, through awareness, learning and a great coach, you can bring the unconscious conscious and change it (mindset work) But alongside that, you can support your identity change by hiring a hypnotherapist to work with in person or online or/and work with a coach (such as myself) who provides you with the right hypnosis audios that will support you and your goals

The power of who you are

You are pure consciousness and the part of your brain that is called the prefrontal cortex allows you to know this Basically, at your core being, you are consciousness knowing itself Where were you before you got here?

What is consciousness? Consciousness is energy (everything is energy) and it is creative Consciousness created the whole universe. YOU are consciousness. You are not your brain, your habits and your conditioning. You are Consciousness which is the mind…

Are you starting to grasp just how powerful you are…?

Willpower doesn’t work

Just like in our ancestors, our brains chase that dopamine high. So when a behaviour comes along that results in a reward, the brain builds a connection between that behaviour and pleasure that can be hard to shake because it becomes a habit

So when you started purging, you would have experienced a dopamine high because you would have connected it to “compensating” for the bingeing No matter how awful the act is, if your fear of weight gain or whatever is driving your purging behaviour is stronger than the discomfort of the act then you’ll keep doing it

Willpower doesn’t work long-term when you’re trying to make a change Why? Because when you use willpower you’re getting into a battle with your own brain Using willpower gives the original thought more power, and you’re then trying to overpower the original thought which makes it stronger Whatever you resist persists

You are sitting there trying your absolute best NOT to purge and you give yourself 2 choices; to purge or not to purge

Purging is a habit and habits are brain-based Your brain is set up to do things on autopilot and when you try to change that (with the lack of awareness that you had until you read this), the brain freaks the fuck out and defends that habit with all it’s got It will send urges, emotions, and thoughts to protect the habit that is being threatened It does this because it literally thinks that the habit is there to keep you alive After all, if you’re alive today and we had the habit yesterday then we need to do what we did yesterday to survive and on it goes

Habit voice

Your habit voice will; lie, scream, trick, yell, manipulate, and rationalize to get you to do the old habit.

“Go on, you may as well.”

“One more time.”

“Start tomorrow.”

“You’ll give in and do it anyway.”

“You can’t stop.”

Habit voice will say anything to convince you to keep doing what you are attempting to stop

You must recognize a habit is a habit, it’s not a reflection of a characteristic of you You are not your habits You are not your thoughts, you are the thinker of your thoughts

The thought process to stop your habit

What happens when you try to stop purging

Habit brain goes off

Habit urge – compulsion – I WANT I NEED to purge/get rid of this food

Habit voice cons you into doing the habit

Most people give in and do action on the habit

Your conscious response to your habit brain

This is just a habit, it is NOT me

It is just fear and habit voice, it is NOT me

I dismiss habit voice and urge NOW

I move my attention to whom I choose to BE (eg I am a person who sits with discomfort and chooses recovery )

Repeat We learn/program our brains through repetition The brain responds to repetition It takes on average 67 days to subconsciously change a habit

It gets easier the more you do this, I promise. Keep connecting to your why, and your vision, and remind yourself how freakin powerful you are!

As within, so without

Whatever is in your internal world will show up in your external world automatically. “You cannot do what you are not, and you can only do what you are.”- Jim Fortin

It’s easy for you to do what you unconsciously think you are If see yourself as someone with an ED, then it’s easy to be that And not only that, confirmation bias happens Confirmation bias is where your brain searches for and only sees information that confirms or supports your beliefs or values

“If I don’t have it in my external world it’s because I didn’t have it in my internal world first.”

And so therefore you must create an identity that supports whom you want to BE You are a human BEing, not a human DOing You get to choose whom you want to BE

Ask yourself the new identity paradigm:

“Who would I BE, how would I FEEL and what would I DO if I was already fully recovered from the ED… If I was living in food freedom, self-acceptance, and self-love?

This is similar to your vision but it goes deeper. It focuses on BEing from the identity that you already ARE who you want to be. And then take ACTION

If you don’t leave your comfort zone, you’ll never leave your comfort zone! For some practical tips to address the behavioral aspect of purging, You can not “un-know” what you know, and just from this episode alone, you’ll notice a shift If you don’t then go take a look in the mirror

If you’d like coaching and support every step of the way throughout this journey to food freedom and body love, reach out to me to explore coaching https://www.victoriakleinsman.com/ info@victoriakleinsman.com https://www.facebook.com/victoriakleinsman https://www.instagram.com/victoriakleinsman/

Victoria is a Certified Transformational Life Coach specializing in helping high-achieving women to heal their relationship with food & their body. She is a coach, mentor, speaker, and writer; working with women from all around the globe, speaking at worldwide events, and is a writer for Live Love And Eat Magazine. Victoria has lived with eating disorders and body hate for over 20 years. (she was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa in her early teens and then Binge Eating Disorder and Bulemia in her early twenties). Through her own personal experiences, education, certification, and countless hours spent on personal development, she holds the skills, knowledge, and empathy to guide and support you to food freedom whilst building a loving relationship with yourself and your body. Victoria has profoundly helped many women around the world to transform their lives and she knows the importance and value of constantly investing in and improving herself in order to serve her clients powerfully. Her goal is to positively impact millions of women from all around the world.

Podcast: https://anchor.fm/victoria-kleinsman “Victoria’s Secrets To Health & Happiness” on any Podcats platform

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1g1H40rbSQ6Trmcha59kDg

I did have a personal love-hate relationship with weight training When I was a personal trainer in my 20's, my workouts were heavily focused towards weight training (Think Madonna!)

I was 8kg heavier than I am today but leaner I was a Master Trainer for Les Mills BodyPump & training teams all over South East Asia and you can imagine You needed to LOOK LEAN!

I was on top of this the "AEROBICS Queen" grapevines, spotty dog, ponies and all that jazz! It was the 90's!!

In my 30's I found HIIT, Zumba, group fitness back-to-back classes and any workout that would elevate my heart rate as fast as possible for the limited time I had due to my career and having a two pregnancies.

I also LOVED the rush of endorphins that cardio provided and to be honest, I was a bit burnt out from eating very little and for 12 years of my life trailblazing my career path. The heavy weights went untouched and the lighter weights became the go to!

Enter my 40's and I'm the fittest I've ever been Except that it's all feeling a little too hard and it's taking longer to recover I'm teaching most nights on a stage in front of hundreds of women. I'm suffering hugely from brain fog, joint ache, anxiety and I'm running a business that I needed to be FRONT & CENTRE of. Midlife felt hard.

My own training became HARD due to being so tired. Like bone tired. You know the tiredness that you can't sleep off! Once I realised, I was in perimenopause, the science unequivocally pointed back to weight training. And not some light weights that I can strap to my ankles to tone my booty I'm talking barbells, dumb bells, Kettlebells and my always go to - BODYWEIGHT! Yes, I'm still training like Madonna!

Here are my TOP TIPS to integrate weight training into your life during perimenopause & menopause years:

If you are a complete beginner, seek an experienced personal trainer. Vet them to see if they know anything about perimenopause and how to train women in menopause.

Start with the basics - squats, deadlifts, pulls, and pushes. Weights that are heavy enough to fatigue the muscle at 8 -10 repetitions 3 - 4 rounds

Compound muscle groups - where you are using more than one muscle in a movement Don't waste your time on seated bicep curls, better to do some chin-ups Up to 72 hours between weight training sessions to recover fully This means 2 /3 sessions/week

Use light cardio, yoga, stretching, and walking in between weight training sessions to maintain your cardiovascular fitness, mobility, and flexibility. Only do this if you have the energy, otherwise, REST. Yes, read that again REST!

Schedule a core workout at least once/ twice a week. Those core muscles are essential for your posture and injury prevention.

Now GO and Chase STRONG! and I cannot wait to see what my 50s bring!

I’ve been working in the fitness industry for 25 years - for big corporate firms from overseas, from the UK to Australia to running my own business Zestfit ( which is 10 years old now) I'm a Mum of two juggling a family life and understanding the pressure, us as women are under. I want to educate women that fitness is fun, not a chore, and food is fuel, not the enemy I’m extremely passionate about making fitness accessible for all women and breaking down any intimidating aspects through movement & kindness During 2020 I made it my mission to bring fitness into people's homes. The pandemic taught us that fitness was moving up the necessity ladder Therefore launching Zestfit Virtual Studio became my priority. 25 years on I'm motivating more and more virtually! and I love it I live, eat & breathe fitness - Real Results for Real Women https://www.instagram.com/zestfitvirtualstudio/. & https://www.instagram.com/zestfitkat/ https://twitter.com/Zestfitkathryn https://www.linkedin.com/in/kathryn-williams-88a921117/ https://www.facebook.com/ZestfitVS https://zestfitvirtual.uscreen.io

As a new therapist studying the concept of mindfulness, I was handed a raisin and given explicit instruction: Jenn, I want you to first observe this raisin and then put this raisin in your mouth You cannot bite into the raisin for five minutes Your job is to simply observe what all five of your senses are experiencing I recall thinking both the exercise and concept of mindfulness were part of a larger conspiracy to brainwash me into joining a cult that would lead to Kool-Aid and demise

The concept of mindfulness is not something new to the 21st century The origin of mindfulness is tied to early Buddhist practices, thought to reduce suffering and cultivate positive qualities within oneself

What is it about this fascinating twenty-five hundred-year-old phenomenon that keeps us coming back for more? The medical and psychological fields rave about the endless benefits of mindfulness practice, including lowering blood pressure, increasing heart health, reduction of chronic pain, and treating stress, sleep disorders, and symptoms of anxiety

As a therapist introducing this concept, the first question I ask clients iswhat are you willing to miss out on in life because you are not paying attention? I then describe mindfulness as, paying attention, in a very particular way, with the whole self

Practicing mindfulness takes time and is not a one-and-done concept. The raisin exercise now resonates in a whole new manner given repetition and incorporating other mindfulness exercises into a daily routine. Rather than a cult, I now fully experience what happens when one can slow the mind and the body to allow for conscious awareness

Thoughts, sights, sounds, feelings, smells, and tastes are amplified I call this the sweet spot!!! I went from eating handfuls of raisins like they were going out of style, to actually tasting them

What phenomenon is responsible for impacting the brain so much that our senses can be re-wired, changed, and grow? Neuroplasticity! Engaging in repeated mindfulness practices (i e deep breathing, meditation, yoga, guided imagery) can stimulate changes in the brain allowing the formation of new neural pathways that have altered how one processes and experiences the senses. For this girl, it began as a slightly sweet, dry, round, chewy, textured raisin that morphed into this oddly shaped, bumpy textured, hundreds of ridges, juicy, waxy film, tiny granules, bitter aftertaste, overly sweet….. raisin.

What does your daily hussle look like? Are you finding that recollection of important events is fuzzy at best? Mindfulness is a simple, practical, in-yourpocket-on-the-go kinda friend Incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine and retrain how your brain experiences life It’s time to find your sweet spot!

Wanna give it a whirl? Here’s your raisin!

Find a quiet, relaxing place free from distraction

Take some deep belly breaths to slow the mind and body

Place a raisin in your hand and visually take in its features Think about its origins

Touch the raisin with your free hand, moving it around and feeling all its ridges and textures Take in its smell

Place the raisin in your mouth www.instagram.com/candidlyunapologeticjenn www.tiktok.com/@jenn.schmitz www.facebook.com/cardinalpointwi

Spend a few minutes moving the raisin about your mouth with your tongue without biting into it Notice the taste and texture Observe any urges you have to bite the raisin or any judgments you may have Let them go and focus back on the raisin.

Bite the raisin in half. What do you hear? Spend one minute noticing the texture and taste. Observe any thoughts or urges you may be having. Let them go and focus back on the raisin.

Chew and allow your senses to fully experience the raisin. Reflect. What did you notice that’s different? Has the taste, texture or even smell changed?

Jenn Millard-Schmitz is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in Empowerment, the art of confronting and living beyond pain points that have taken away our power. Her practice has been in the business of making things happen for over a decade. Jenn is an EMDR-trained Trauma Therapist and Certified Dialectical Behavior Therapist. She is an expert in treating anxiety, depression, trauma, personality disorders, and co-occurring disorders. Jenn brings a holistic twist into therapy focusing on physical wellness, nutrition, and mindfulness. Jenn’s mantra: It’s time to stop managing, and start living! Interested in connecting with Therapist Jenn? You can find her on any of these socials!

My focus as a counselor is to take an individualized, holistic, humble approach to confront and living beyond www.youtube.com/@candidempoweredenergy www.cardinalpointwi.com

THREE NEW IDEAS TO SUPPORT YOUR LOVED ONES (OR YOU) WHILE GRIEVING

Written By Sherry Parks

My mom passed away in 2020 after battling cancer for quite some time I’d already lost my father a few years prior and I expected the experience of losing mom to be more difficult. Yet, I wasn’t prepared for the magnitude and longevity of the grief I’ve felt since Mom passed.

I wasn’t close to my dad, who left the family when I was 15 I wasn’t close to him before he left and him being in another state hours away didn’t foster more closeness either And while I was sad, I never felt his loss personally Not on a deep level I didn’t understand that at the time.

So, when Mom passed, I was expecting to feel deep sadness and some loss I wasn’t expecting to feel completely changed Like I was no longer the person I was before My friend described it to me as untethered And that is exactly how I felt and still do at times

I also wasn’t prepared for how long I’ve felt the grief and how long it’s taking me to figure out who I am as a person in the world now. And those are both in the present tense Almost two and a half years later I still feel immense grief and immense confusion about who I am

Well-meaning friends and family often don’t understand Society expects us to push down grief, not show emotions around it, and certainly to get our life together ASAP.

I’ve expressed grief and people tend to ignore my statement or they tend to gloss over it because it’s been a while And I’m here to take a stand for all the grieving people in the world My stand is that it takes as long as it takes And as humans, we are 100% allowed to slow down, in fact, I believe it is required We need to slow down and feel what we feel and allow our body, mind, and spirit to process. And yes, I believe that the whole person needs to feel and process

After all, feelings/emotions, are there to be felt That is their purpose To Be Felt And, it’s all okay Today, I’m sharing three things I’ve observed through my own grief process and how I’m learning to counteract them.

Get Over it Quickly! I’m here to tell you that grief is individual to each person. It may take a full year, it may take two, three, or even five or eight years to start to feel more normal And that, my friends, is more normal than this expectation that in just a few months we should be “over it” My coach recently shared with me that she had a client who burst into tears anytime someone mentioned her sister – for five years Yes, five years is how long it took her to process the loss of her sister in a way that allowed her to talk about it without strong emotion. Megan Devine shares in her book “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” that it took eight years to process the grief of the sudden loss of her husband. I highly recommend this book for anyone grieving by the way.

I’m here to take a stand for you to slow down and process your grief in your own timeline And if you feel okay in a few weeks or months, then great And if it takes years, then that is great too

You’ll Feel Like Yourself Soon. Unfortunately, I don’t believe it for a minute. Loss changes us. Grief changes us. And to expect ourselves to fit right back in our normal slot is just wrong in my opinion. It goes back to that “untethered” feeling Once we are in a world without someone who was pivotal for us, we can’t ever go back to the way things were It takes time to figure out how to BE without that person who meant so much

I know that for me, a lot of my identity was that I was “Sandy’s daughter”. And while I’m still Sandy’s daughter, she’s not here. And it’s not the same. I don’t fit in the same spot as before. And I have to learn to forge a new spot for myself without her. And that is not always easy. We have to learn a new way to be in the world without the influence, expectation, love, and support of that person who was there In my case more than 40 decades of my life And again, it’s not like we can take a magic pill and wake up and have it all figured out Life just doesn’t work that way with anything, and certainly not with grief.

Again, I take a stand for everyone to have the opportunity to slow this down and allow themselves to explore whom they want to be in the world after loss And guess what, you get to shift and change your mind as much as you want When it’s right, you’ll know it And in the meantime, it’s okay, you don’t have to have it all figured out

Let’s All Avoid Discomfort

A lot of times, people want to gloss over what the griever is feeling simply because it’s uncomfortable. We don’t know how to respond. We don’t know what to say. We don’t want to feel their pain. And, we don’t want to be uncomfortable All of this leads us to avoid the grieving person Or ignoring what they share about grief Or glossing over it with a pat on the shoulder or hand and a change of subject And it just doesn’t work Certainly, it doesn’t help

In my opinion, a better response is to just sit with it A person who is in active grief doesn’t expect you to have all the answers or the perfect response. I know that all I’ve ever wanted in my grieving moments is to share it. To have someone sit with me in it. And that doesn’t require conversation, or diverting me to a different subject. It requires that they ignore their own discomfort so that I can have mine

Avoiding discomfort may seem like a good idea, and it’s not If we never get uncomfortable and push ourselves to do it, then we can’t learn a new way We can’t grow into the person we are meant to be

If you are grieving, know that I’m here with you Taking a stand for you to be in and with your grief, however, it presents and however long it takes.

If you know someone that is grieving, I encourage you to consider the things I’ve shared here and be open to testing out a different way Grief is a part of life and it’s going to touch each of us – especially if we had the privilege to love deeply

Sherry Parks, CPA, is a Life & Money Mindset Coach who helps women escape feeling trapped by their finances She is passionate about helping women change their mindsets, emotions, and actions regarding money so that they learn to keep what they have and generate more

Check out her 5 Steps to a Better Money Story workbook or join her women-only Facebook group More Than Enough Money Sisterhood https://mailchi.mp/0ba1f1d8913a/money-workbook

ARE WE READY FOR MAY?

YOUR MONTHLY GUIDE FOR ECLIPSES, RETROGRADES AND MORE

WRITTEN BY LINDA WATSON

May is such a beautiful month here in North Carolina where I make my home. Pollen season has made its last hoorah and we are able to enjoy the lush green foliage and all of the blooming trees and flowers. The weather hasn’t gotten humid and extra hot yet, so spending time outside and enjoying nature is one of my favorite past times

This is also the month when we are in the middle of a new eclipse season and retrogrades are either ending or starting, depending on the planet The first eclipse of this year was the Solar Eclipse in Aries on April 20th This second eclipse will be a dramatic Lunar Eclipse in the sign of Scorpio that will occur on May 5th This is the sixth in a series of eclipses on the Taurus/Scorpio axis that began back on November 19, 2021, and will come to an end on October 28, 2023 If your Sun or Moon is in any of the fixed signs, or if you have placements in any of the fixed signs, Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius, you will feel this May 5th Lunar Eclipse more intensely than others Lucky me, both my Sun and Moon are in Taurus and Aquarius respectively

The first week of May starts out with Pluto in Aquarius going retrograde on May 1st. This is followed closely by the Lunar Eclipse in Scorpio on the 5th, and then Venus entering Cancer on May 7th.

When most planets go retrograde, the energy is that of slowing down

The energy of the planet seems to weaken and it gives us time to reflect and to reassess about what is happening in our lives. It gives us a chance to slow down significantly and revisit certain themes or struggles that have been occurring in our lives However, when Pluto turns retrograde it is almost as if the opposite happens The energy seems to ramp up and intensify. We are forced to confront some pretty intense challenges at our deepest core. We come face-to-face with our shadow side Although you most likely will encounter some struggles concerning areas that you don’t want to deal with, you should allow yourself the time to go deep and permit these personal transformations to take place. Remember, with Pluto, it is all about the complete breakdown and crumbling of old ways of thinking and old ideas so that we can begin to move forward This retrograde will be in effect from May 1st until October 11th

The Lunar in Eclipse in Scorpio also brings the intense energy of Pluto with it since Pluto is the ruling planet of Scorpio. We know that a Lunar Eclipse is always a culmination or completion of whatever has been developing up to this point It is an opportunity to let go of any emotional experiences that you have outgrown and for releasing the things that no longer serve you It is important to remember that with every ending, there is an opportunity for a new beginning No matter what happens, you will see that the universe is intent on moving us forward whether we are ready or not. Eclipses often mark a major turning point and it’s up to us to take that leap or remain in limbo

Because eclipses involve the transformation of some sort and show where in our life that change is necessary and where our attention will be directed, I find it extremely interesting that Pluto turned retrograde at the same time Pluto being the ruler of Scorpio knows how to transform and shed old worn-out beliefs and habits that are no longer working for us This is a chance to embrace changes, let go, and develop and improve a greater connection with a higher power and your inner self The eclipse will help to illuminate our life path

As always, if you are interested in what area of life this will be occurring for you and you’d like to understand what that means for your growth, please schedule an appointment with me for further insight.

Rounding out the week, on May 7th, Venus enters the sign of Cancer until June 5th This is a very nice way to end a very intense week Venus and Cancer are both feminine energies Venus represents our ability to love and be loved She gives us our appreciation of art and beauty and our quest for harmony and happiness This planet helps soften us and deepens our need for affection, peace, and harmony. When Venus is in the nurturing sign of Cancer it creates the desire for intimacy, and for caring for others, and it heightens our sensitivity and empathy, especially toward those we love You can spend these next few weeks focusing more on your emotional connections and spending time with your family Make sure to also find time to pamper yourself

The week of May 9th we start out with the Sun in a conjunction aspect with Uranus. During this time, you may find yourself questioning everything about everything, from your personal life to the state of the world in general You may feel a bit rebellious and may want to make some serious changes to your life

Or you may feel compelled to help others in some way. This is the type of connection that produces new trends in society or can begin the transformation of old outdated concepts and ideas into new and improved ways of doing things. You may just recognize the need to be more progressive and more open to questioning the old status quo It can be a really exciting time of breaking free of routines and traditions and embracing a more free-spirited attitude by allowing yourself to do something totally unconventional

The week ends with Mercury stationing direct on Sunday, May 14th. Hopefully, during the retrograde period, you were able to sit back and answer those important questions about what you value, where you find your self-worth, and if you are happy with your financial situation. If you came to understand that you are not satisfied with the way your money is working for you, hopefully, you started reviewing and reanalyzing your financial habits and goals.

Once Mercury goes direct on Sunday, you can begin the process of sorting through any ideas that came up concerning opportunities and resources regarding your financial stability and start planning and strategizing for the future You can use the determination and practicality of Taurus to turn your ideas into real form

As Jupiter enters Taurus on May 16th, the financial stability and security that you’ve been planning to start to expand. You may experience an increase in job opportunities or promotions, or even perhaps some good returns on investments, which in turn creates more abundance in your money sector Because Taurus energy loves the finer things in life, it can create a situation where you may be tempted to overindulge in all the things that bring you pleasure, so keep that in mind and try to practice moderation and balance when indulging in any extravagances. Jupiter stays in this sign for one year, so make sure you keep all of this in mind as the year progresses.

On May 17th, Jupiter then makes a square aspect to Pluto This type of aspect is a bit more challenging and tends to bring some internal tension with it. It forces us to face challenges within ourselves, but also gives us the strength to overcome them. It can spur us into action to resolve outstanding issues or to forge ahead with whatever is going on in our lives in a very determined and obsessive way It gives a powerful desire to succeed and achieve

This is a time period when you can transform or accomplish great things in your life It increases your ambition, but it can also lead to conflicts if you aren’t aware of how other people perceive your ideas or actions. Make sure your ideas are valid before you try to convince or serve others. The Jupiter/Pluto square ends on June 8th. You can do well with this transit as long as you don’t go overboard in your zeal to make changes in your life and attain your goals

The New Moon occurs on May 19th in the sign of Taurus This New Moon emphasizes our personal goals and the importance of leaning on the practical and realistic energies of this earth sign Taurus rules our values, money, self-worth, our physical senses including our sensuality, our sense of smell and taste, and our enjoyment of nature and life on earth Taurus is an energy that relishes building solid foundations and working with patience and determination to achieve goals This is wonderful energy for this New Moon.

This is the chance to make important changes in your life Since New Moons are all about new beginnings, new energy, and a time when things take root, think carefully about your intentions and what you would like to see grow and manifest in your life It is the time to plant seeds for new ideas, new plans, and new actions that you want to grow over the coming weeks Take a look at where the moon will be in your chart in order to help you decide where you want to focus your intentions. This New Moon will affect those with personal planets and points at approximately 24 to 30 degrees of the Fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius) most significantly.

The next day on May 20th, prepare for a more active lifestyle as we welcome the energy of the Sun moving into Gemini. Gemini season is upon us and signals the return of glorious summer days and mild summer nights It is a time to be out and about, active and social, always in the midst of doing something and going somewhere Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of the mind and ruler of all things related to communication and our intellect, so you may want to take advantage of this by including a variety of experiences in your life. Your mind will be more active and curious and you can use this to your benefit by experiencing and learning new things Engage in more varied conversations, sign up for a new class or have opportunities to learn something new and interesting Read more, journal, and increase your writing skills. Be bright, social, and curious, and don’t be afraid to share and connect with people and have fun.

*Want to go deeper and understand yourself, your opportunities, and your challenges? Would you like to discover where the transiting planets are in your own chart? Visit www.soulguideastrology.com and schedule a one-on-one session with Linda When you sign up for her newsletter, you will receive a complimentary Moon Phase Guide to help you plan your monthly activities

Linda Watson is the owner and creator of Soul Guide Astrology providing birth chart and solar return (birthday/yearly) chart consultations An astrology reading can provide you with a truer sense of who you are and what you need, helping you to navigate both challenges and opportunities and feel more empowered to live life to the fullest She also offers coaching sessions in combination with what is learned in the birth or yearly charts to help guide you in developing realistic goals and life plans to get you moving toward your best life Linda is a member of the American Federation of Astrologers and is a Board Certified Holistic Health Coach Schedule your consultation by visiting her website at www.soulguideastrology.com, or contacting her at Lindawatson519@gmail.com. You can find her on Instagram at @soulguideastrology.