Living Bereaved –A Mother’s Journey Book One from “My Little Books of Big Pain Series” By: Betty-Lou Kristy
A soulful dialogue Of integration And exploration
A journey Of grief expression With my late son
Picture Prose & Musings From A Mother Original Copyright 2011© by Betty-Lou Kristy; Revised 2nd edition 2012- Copyright 2012© by Betty-Lou Kristy. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be retransmitted, copied, or duplicated in any way without the expressed permission of the author.
Reviews: Living bereaved-A Mother’s Journey
“In this courageous disclosure of her experience, Betty-Lou Kristy gives voice to the intense emotions that rise in the awakening to the death of one’s child. She powerfully guides the reader through her journey with her son, Pete, and provides insight into the enduring cycles of pain, hope, re-learning and integration that illustrate a parent’s grief. She reminds us that it is the depth of devotion to our children that crushes us in moments of desperate longing, and our children’s reciprocal love that encourages forward movement in their absence.” JA (Judy) Jonusas, Bereaved mother of Chandler Mangold; Griefscapes Founder; Business & Transition Coach
“A powerful, relentlessly honest and intense exploration of a bereaved mother's love for her son and her courageous determination to make sense of this most heart wrenching, brutal life experience: Betty-Lou draws deeply on her innermost creative, spiritual resources in re-membering Pete and the many facets of their relationship. In mastering a new way of living both without him and with him, forever in her heart, she allows us to discover with her, the light beneath the dark.” Charlene Winger-Manager, North Halton Mental Health Clinic
"Betty-Lou has done a wonderful job sharing her personal story of tragedy and triumph. She never gives up the HOPE of eventually healing and experiencing continued growth while continuing to face on-going grief, adversity and challenge. She shows us the way...this story is meant for her growth and for our growth. Faith and hope guide Betty-Lou through the tragic death of her son. She has shown tenacity and endurance in surviving one of the worst nightmares one ever has to weather, the loss of a dear child, especially an only child. This story is meant for our growth so we can expand our higher selves to reach even higher and to guide others along the journey of life, which is often almost unbearable for some. She is an example of someone who has come to terms with what happened with hope, growth and understanding.” Karen Zizzo-Author; Inspirational Speaker; Life Coach
“As a bereaved mother myself, I have felt these intense feelings but could never interpret them through verse or a creative medium. Betty-Lou allows us to feel her pain, and intense raw emotion throughout her continuous journey after the loss of her son… her life. Thank you for allowing others to share in your insight into the depths of grief, and how this tribute to your son encourages a life of moving forward.” Lisa Alexander -Bereaved Parent; Director of Community Engagement, Bereaved Families of Ontario-Halton/Peel
“A very personal, raw and revealing expression of love; Thank you Betty-Lou for sharing what so many feel, but can not express.” Madeleine Buhlau – Bereaved mother to Thayer Buhlau; Executive Director Bereaved Families of Ontario – Halton/Peel
Getting to know Betty-Lou.... Betty-Lou Kristy is a bereaved mother who lost both of her twin sons at different stages of their lives. “Baby Bear” died in the third trimester of Betty-Lou’s pregnancy. His twin brother, Peter (Kristy) Beattie, died on December 23, 2001 at age 25 from a mixed drug overdose of Oxycontin pain medication and psychiatric medication. After the death of her sons and the subsequent death of both of her parents, Betty-Lou was compelled to search for meaning to find her authentic self. It was her son, Pete’s, devastating death that catapulted her into, and onto, a path of "higher" accelerated spiritual and metaphysical learning, growth, awareness, expansion and mastery. A survivor of mental illness, drug and alcohol addiction, as well as childhood trauma and multiple significant losses, Betty-Lou has succeeded in sustaining her recovery, without relapse, despite the death of her beloved son Pete – “the fire in her belly”. Betty-Lou is an outspoken provincial advocate, speaker, active committee member and facilitator/trainer for Mental Health, Addictions, Trauma and Bereavement reform, and is the recipient of the 2009 Centre for Addiction & Mental Health (CAMH) Transforming Lives Award. She is a former board director and peer support bereavement facilitator for Bereaved Families of Ontario (Halton/Peel) and has past training and experience in hospice/grief support programs. She has also designed and facilitated bereavement trainings for youth to youth outreach workers and worked within Children's Aid Society, Restorative Justice, Aboriginal communities, Conflict mediation and Police programs. Betty-Lou recognizes that mental illness, addiction and childhood trauma are tough, complex social issues that need to be talked about publicly so others can feel safe and be safe by reducing the isolation, shame, stigma and barriers. Sharing her journey, as well as Pete’s journey, helps her to re-invest in life by giving voice in a positive partnering to co-create an effective, nurturing and respectful new paradigm. Her strong, heart-soul desire to help others find their own tools for self-empowerment, recovery, growth and FREEDOM is Betty-Lou’s gift. In this narrative journey, she wishes to empower others through her writing.
Table of Contents Living Bereaved –A Mother’s Journey .....................................Cover page Book Reviews...............................................................................page 2 Getting To Know Betty-Lou............................................................page 3 Table of Contents.......................................................................page4-5 This Journey you are taking with me...............................................page 6 Dedicated to.................................................................................page 7 I Lost My Son...............................................................................page 8 Grief............................................................................................page 9 They Told Me He Was Dead......................................................page 10-13 The Burden..................................................................................page 14 Child Birth – Child Death...............................................................page 15 I Buried My Son.......................................................................page 16-17 Lost You Lost me.........................................................................page 18 An Open Letter To My Son............................................................page 19 And The Crying Starts Again.........................................................page 20 A Conversation........................................................................page 21-22 Wish I had Wings.........................................................................page 23 Together Again One Day...............................................................page 24
The X-Mas Bear You Gave Me.................................................page 25-26 Something Fascinating.................................................................page 27 And Here You Were....................................................................page 28 You Could Always Make Me Laugh............................................page 29-31 Sometimes.................................................................................page 32 The Progression.........................................................................page 33 X-Mas Anniversary Of Your Death................................................page 34 Look At Those Eyes....................................................................page 35 Your Morning Grumpy Face..........................................................page 36 One Of My Favourite Pictures of You............................................page 37 It’s A Very Long Road but I’ll Find You (And me)...........................page 38 Your Footprint............................................................................page 39 Found This Image........................................................................page 40 Baby Son In The Sky....................................................................page 41 Flying Fish(A Communication of Spirit)...................................page 42-44 Where Do We Go From Here Pete................................................page 45 It Is Essential I End With a Visual Of Peace & Tranquility................page46 Little Books of Big Pain Series- List of the three Picture Voice & Prose Journeys in this series available for free download, website info to access, cover pages & reviews..............................................................................page 47-52
This journey you are taking with me is a tough emotional engagement A journey of bereavement from a mom who lost her son There is staggering pain in here But there is also healing and hope And guidance As I explore And let my emotions Unfold naturally And honestly
In these moments of unscripted writing....... truth writes itself And my late son Pete can show up through my writing So he gets to help us all journey together Whether you are grieving yourself or learning to try and help another I want you to know that regardless of the pain expressed It is very healing for me to do so And it is potentially very healing for you to hear it Just know that I have learned how to smile again And re-found my son juxtaposed beside me (just like this picture) That absolutely......hope and integration are attainable Once you get through the anguish
Dedicated to my hubby Peter Parker Who has made life possible for me Again
And again And again Who saw the light And potential in me Long before I did And loved me Unconditionally Through it all Who also saw the light And potential In my late son � Little� Pete Long before My son Had a chance To find it Himself Before he died And of course This is also dedicated T o my late son Pete
Both in honour and in memory of him Still being the fire in my belly that has always pushed me to get back up
Again And again And again
GRIEF ALL THIS STUFF BARRAGING ME Guilt, Rage, Pain, Anger, Loss, Fear Shock, Emotions, Facts, Lies
ARE STUCK IN THE 16 INCHES BETWEEN MY HEAD AND MY HEART BURNING LIKE AN ULCER SPINNING MY BRAIN OVERLOADING MY HEART ASSAULTING THE CORE OF MY BEING DIMMINSHING MY SPIRIT CUTTING LIKE A KNIFE POURING SALT INTO MY MULTITUDE OF OPEN WOUNDS!
And somewhere in those 16 inches is a PIERCING SCREAM Tearing me up-Trying to get out A WAR IS GOING ON IN THAT 16 INCHES A HORRIFIC BATTLE BETWEEN INTELLECT AND EMOTIONS NEITHER SIDE IS WRONG - BOTH SIDES ARE VALID AND MUST BE VALIDATED
It is going to take quite some time-a lot of fighting-work And a great deal of soul searching To arrive at the "agreed upon" truth Which will chart my path with MY LATE SON FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I will always be Pete's mother-No one can ever take that From me Because they don't have the power They can't take from me -What I won't give!
They told me he was dead They told me he was dead… And I looked at him Dead in that bed And I stopped
Breathing I’m sure Get out of that bed! Open your eyes
You can’t leave me my son You can’t leave me behind
What have you done?
My crazy beautiful Son
What have you done? I love you so much You are my whole world My heart
My soul
The love of my life I won’t believe them
You can’t be dead
My crazy beautiful son
It is X-mas time
You have to wake up and open your gifts
Why did you mix those drugs Pete
Why? Why? Why?
My tears are drowning me
I won’t believe them Get up My son
My crazy beautiful son
Get up!!! I told you
I warned you
I tried to help you I loved you
I spoiled you
You are my essence You are my reason To get out of bed
How can you be dead? You are only 25 years old
Get up! Get out of that bed!
Open your eyes Your skin is turning blue My heart is breaking I can’t breathe
My crazy beautiful son You lied to me You told me you were going to try and get better You told me that you would never leave me You knew I would die, if you died
You knew that
We talked about that
How could you let this happen? Why did you take those drugs?
I knew you were sad
I knew you were depressed and scared
But I told you
We would get through this I promised you that
And now YOU broke
MY promise to you
How can I stand by you? And help you through
And support you no matter what
If you are dead
What have you done?
My crazy beautiful son
What have you done?
I know you hate it when I cry I know it makes you feel bad
When you’ve made me cry WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
Why would you do anything that might make me cry? And Cry
And Cry
And Cry
It is X-mas in two days I have all your gifts
It is X-mas in two days
Wake up!!
Do something
Do anything
You can even make me angry
Again Do anything But don’t just lie there Turning blue
I don’t mind worrying About your mental health
I don’t mind worrying
About your alcoholism I don’t mind worrying
About your drug addiction
I’ll take you any way I can have you I told you I would love you And fight for you
And support you
Till your last dying breath That was not supposed to be
When you were only 25 years old
What have you done?
My crazy beautiful son What have you done? It could have gotten better for you
I’m sure
Isn’t unconditional love supposed to cure all?
Can it be that you are actually dead? I can’t breath I’m going to be sick
Please open your eyes!!!
The Burden-My Child Is Dead In her heart What was left Was grief In her throat Was her heart And the silent screams Of panic and loss That choked her She is chained to the burden Of losing her child Trapped against a wall Of unrelenting pain A tidal wave of despair She can not escape from And the tears keep falling So fast and hard She knows she is going to drown She is broken She is scared She screams For her son to come back And rescue her She is stripped bare knowing her son is dead And she won’t fight to survive …she can’t!
Child Birth - Child Death Losing your child Is as physically painful As giving birth to your child
And it feels like morning sickness
In one case it is because you are having a child In this case it is because my child has died
Mourning sickness
I buried my son It feels like just yesterday It is so raw But it also feels Like it has been eons of time Since I last saw you
I am battle weary Weighted with grief and indescribable pain I don’t know what I want more For you to come back To me Or for me to die So I can come to you
The grief has frayed my edges Everything feels acute and chronic
I can’t sleep And I feel buried alive above ground Going through the motions Of life I don’t know how I am going to resolve this I don’t have a clue how to survive this
Because I don’t want to Survive this I want to be with you Help me Pete I don’t know how to live without you Somebody please
Help me
Lost you-Lost me Can’t live in the present Can’t really see a future Cause I am tied to the past I can only find you in the past I search for my new identity As I am faced with my new reality That you are NEVER coming home I’ve never felt so all alone And it scares me I’m always lonely I’m always searching for you Endlessly And sometimes I think I see you
But I don’t Because you are dead and gone There is no slot for this peg to fit in to Since you have been gone I don’t recognize myself And I don’t have the luxury of having a breakdown
Because I am afraid I will lose my memories And that is all I have left Of you Pete
I’m lost Pete…how can I hope to find you If I’m lost myself?
An Open Letter to my Late Son But wait Before I start Where do I mail this?
Where are you now?
I NEED to know
A Mother needs to know where her child is No matter what the circumstances A mother needs to know! What happens when you die? Where did you go? What are you doing? Is it better than it was down here? Do you like your new home? Do you like your new reality? Do you look the same? Are you safe? Are you happier? A mother needs to know Where her child is The REALITY of your death Is not lost on me I’m not crazy or in denial
I just need you to answer three things Are you safe? Are you happy? Where do I mail this letter? To you
And The Crying Starts Again And the crying starts again just when I thought I was “better” Just when I thought I was coping When I felt that I could maybe do this Being a bereaved mother It’s not like I have a choice I can’t choose NOT to be a bereaved mom You are dead I’m still here and oh my heart aches for you Constantly Sometimes I handle it better than other times And sometimes I just don’t realize the depth of my internal grief Because I have such a huge capacity for dealing with pain I’m a survivor Always have been But just don’t know for sure If this is something survivable Even by my standards I never allow myself to be victimized I never allow myself pity I never allow myself to be defeated I never allow for others to shape what I can or can not achieve I do climb mountains I can crawl out of deep despairing holes I pick myself up no matter how many times I get knocked down I hold my head high and put one foot in front of the other Forward motion And I search and search and search for solutions I work hard and face the monster head on Shoulders wide But this? Losing you? It is killing me Pete!!
A Conversation “Hey mom?” Yea Pete? I’m not really any different than I was before I am still the same Where are you now Pete? Everywhere- anywhere -and all over the place So you like it in your new life up there in the universal realms? Mom…..it is awesome! Do you have a job or anything like that? “Yea I do….I watch over you I help other kids who are addicted I help other kids who are struggling I help kids who are scared I help kids who have died make the transition That sounds like a lot of work It sounds like a lot but it isn’t I’m kind of like a leader over here Like I was supposed to be down there…but I messed it all up I think we both messed it all up Pete No, not at all mom We were supposed to have all those challenges I know I ended up dying But we are still on track mom We just had to come up with a new game plan How can you be so casual about dying Pete?
Mom, I am where I am supposed to be and you are where you are supposed to be
But Pete, we are not together! Yes we are mom We are more together now than we were before I know you recognize that mom Yea, in some weird way I guess I do It’s just really sad and I miss you But I am right here mom. I’m right here with you Oh Pete, only you could minimize and normalize dying! That is because I am not dead…..I’m re-born I am a way better version of myself up here than I was down there I like myself up here I don’t have any worries or pressures My brain isn’t haunted anymore If it is so amazing, then why am I still down here? Cause you have to anchor my work down there mom You were NOT actually supposed to die were you? No, I messed up big time & it got so messed up that leaving became the new plan. I left to save myself and to save you mom. I left to try and get us back on track
Yea, I finally figured out that is probably what you did So you are okay-right mom? Yea Pete, I’m going to be okay
I wish I had wings So I could fly up to heaven and visit with you Wait...you have wings Can’t you float down to me? But knowing you and your propensity for disaster You would probably try something stupid And crash land on top of me Breaking your wings And then you would be a fallen broken angel again I could not handle that For you Your sadness would make me even sadder than I am now On second thought just stay where you are All safe and free and protected by the clouds And God I will find a way to meet you halfway and we will fly together But you can’t drop me!! You always wanted to be my superman You always wanted to protect your mother when I got into my messes And I always tried to protect you when you got into your messes We kind of made a mess of that Pete......didn’t we?
Given the outcome
Together Again...One day First thing I will do as soon as I die I am going to meet you and then I am Going to kick your ass from there to eternity For breaking MY HEART LIKE THAT
And then I am going to hug you And hold your hand And NEVER let go For the rest of OUR eternities
WE ARE NEVER GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN PETE EVER! So whatever you are doing now Get your act together and I’ll do the same No matter how long it takes So we can be together again FOREVER
No More Karma, No more role playing, we will exist in Natural bliss Together
Forever
PROMISE ME PETE!
The X-mas Bear You Gave Me Each year at X-mas I pull out the X-mas bear you gave me And hold on to it for dear life Trying to get through the anniversary of your death Which was two days before X-mas And that makes it harder To deal with both
That stupid little bear Was the first time you went out And surprised me with a gift That you had picked out yourself Plus you bought me flowers And I was so touched by it all Normally you just tell me To pick out what I wanted for X-mas Then you would pay for it And that was cool with me Young men don’t usually like to shop Especially for their mothers But that year you surprised me I think you were in shit For something you messed up (again) And you knew redemption Was going to take a bigger effort that time round You could not have selected a more perfect gift for me From You Flowers and a tiny X-mas bear from my son
It was so perfect and so cute The bear, the thought and you And now when X-mas time comes This means the anniversary Of your death Is ripping at my heart and soul I pull out that little bear And he sleeps with me for the season Only trouble is I keep losing him In the blankets, under a pillow Or even onto the floor And I wake up Looking For that stupid little bear Not able to settle Till he is in my arms again There seems to be an analogy in there eh Pete? My child who I “lost” at X-mas time That child that I need comfort for and from That child that kept getting lost No matter how close I was Or how hard I held on My child that died And I search for you like I search for the bear When it falls out of my arms Even though I had it snuggled tight And I realize I am not able to settle Until you are in my arms again!! Oh Pete, I can’t even describe how much I miss you!! Never knew at that time how important that bear would become
My bear For unbearable grief
Something Fascinating When I let my heart speak When I let my soul tell me the truth When I let those higher frequencies in And allow you to speak from beyond the veil Something fascinating happens for me I actually realize That you are NOT DEAD You are re-birthing
And coming back to me in the purest and highest version of your self One must admit That is a really cool opportunity for us Because when you dropped Your human form You went back home to heal So you could spread your wings And find your true self and your freedom I know now that you promised me my own re-birthing….. through your process I just didn’t hear that over my screams of grief and loss I hear you now Pete and realize you’ve waited for me to work through the pain
And here you were And here you were Scuba diving in Hawaii The place you loved the best Under water and free To explore And try New experiences With the light beaming in to protect your joy And keep you safe and warm While you had fun Then the waters of your life Became tumultuous, cold, dark and frightening Stuck in cold Arctic waters pinned under an iceberg…. Stuck So of course you “drowned” from the weight of life After you died Pete We took your ashes back to Hawaii and released you Back into your previous joy and warmth under the sun We put you back into those Hawaiian waters you loved
You could always make me laugh
You…you and your crazy, zany antics You could always make me laugh Even when I was so pissed at you You would Do something Anything So unexpected So stupid, inappropriate and ridiculous With such ingenious comic timing And in spite of it all I would shake my head and say “You are an idiot!” And that smile would break across my face Because you had that mischievous look in your eyes Knowing full well that I should be kicking your butt But instead You tapped into that part of me That always melted Cause I really loved you so much And I did NOT want to be mad at you You made it hard to be a disciplinarian And face it You needed that For all those not so wise choices And just plain ridiculous messes you got yourself into Because you had no self discipline what so ever And that drove me bonkers I worried about you I had huge anxiety about your possible demise I stressed over you with that depth of deep motherly love and need to protect you I would tell myself over and over that I needed to be stricter with you That I needed to quit cleaning up your messes for you because without consequences How were you going to change that irresponsible streak? That need you had to just break rules and do your own thing
Your being unique was cool with me I never would have wanted to change that Just that I was fully aware Of that self destructive tendency in you And that weighed me down with fear that something was going to happen to you So I would decide that is it! I’m going to have to Do the tough love bit And you always knew When you had crossed The line with me This did not happen Very often Because I had Infinite patience And understanding When it came to you‌.too much So in response Once you realized your best ally Was really pissed with you You would do something again So ridiculously funny and stupid That was completely inappropriate Given the circumstances But you knew With that mischievous look in your eye That I would try hard NOT to laugh But you were being such a bold brat with comic genius timing In whatever ridiculous skit or antic you were doing And my heart would melt and that smile would cross my face Even though I was biting the inside of my lip Trying to stay mad and trying hard not to laugh And my eyes would catch your eyes At that point I always lost the battle before it started Because of that cheeky glint in your eyes That I could never resist As you were flapping your arms and making stupid faces Contorting your body Like some stringy person made of wax
And in that magical moment of true connection It made me realize you actually were an idiot Forcing me to say…. “You are an idiot!” As I went Into peals of laughter Giggling like a fool At your antics You could always Touch a place inside of me That was pure That was honest That was unconditional love You truly entertained me Pete Too bad I couldn’t enjoy it as much as I should have been able too Too bad we couldn’t have lived More often in those moments of mutual delight It was overshadowed by my protective worry about you Only you could ever make me laugh like that You LOVED to make me laugh Only you will ever make me cry like this You HATED when you made me cry So I wasn’t at all surprised On the day of your funeral When I was crying my hardest That your friend came up to me And gave me this picture of you dressed up as a girl! And it made me laugh Because it was such a typical ridiculously funny picture of you And as usual you had found a way To get it to me at the most inappropriate time So I whispered to you in your coffin With so much love & tenderness …”You are an idiot!” And I visualized that cheeky glint in your eye That I would have seen if you were not dead What a goof What a gift What a staggering loss
Sometimes Sometimes I feel pretty barren and stripped like a tree in winter that has lost all its leaves As majestic as a tree may be Without all of its leaves And in the middle of a storm It appears to be quite vulnerable And shakes badly with the high winds Even if it has a solid trunk rooted deep Your loss has shaken my foundation And the grief at times Feels like it has rotted the core of me And has infected my roots with such intense PAIN and LOSS That I appear to have morphed Into something that is not recognizable to me Mother nature and probably the tree as well Knows instinctively that the tree will weather the storm And no matter how vulnerable and weak it may appear It knows that this is a necessary season that is needed And it has been provided the wherewithal to revive itself once the next season appears I think I now know instinctively somewhere That I do have the tenacity and endurance to weather this storm Because somewhere deep in my core I know your death was part of a cycle That was meant for our growth so we could expand our branches to reach even higher With magnificent leaves that will come back bolder and brighter and more alive than before From afar but still close enough You will be and direct me to The nutrients I need to not only weather the storm but to grow stronger Because of it Then together as we continue our journey We will guide others and invite them To climb the massive tree we have built together With branches and leaves stretching out to forever We are laying the path And when we stand it up again, all regal and strong It will allow others to reach their loved ones‌ we have created a bridge to the heavens together
Only a tree could endure the loss of a child!
The Progression (By Betty-Lou Kristy) I sense the progression of the process here Notice that I am reflecting And looking back to your younger days And therefore I am progressing forward by reflecting backward Because before, I could not bear To take on that I lost more than my young adult son I couldn’t take on that I have lost So many ages of you So many phases of you So many stages of you So much closeness Between us In a mother-son relationship That evolved and stalled But always managed to recover in time for both of us To make it to the next level together A loving commitment that developed Long before you were even born to me Into this physical world But in taking on the all of “you’s” that died Blows up my heart even more Makes me feel that every age and stage That I take back of you I lose all over again And again And again Back to more beginnings of the end And I feel sick all over with each age of you I take back to grieve Does it ever end?
X-mas Anniversary of your death In two days it is the annual anniversary of your death This makes the reality of your loss so raw Because it is abrasively packed into the X-mas week
Of family Of buying gifts for your child And being so grateful for their safety And so excited about all the gifts And surprises you have bought To spoil him with again this year But I don’t get to do that anymore Because you died And one of the worse things Was that you died two days before X-mas So I couldn’t give you all of your gifts That you would have loved Because you always did The only gift that I could ever want Would be to have you back Just sneak under that pathetic little X-mas tree that I have up And surprise me on X-mas morning Please Pete I beg you! Find a way to come back to me
You don’t even need to be gift wrapped
Look at those eyes Take my breath away Look at those eyes Those eyes that tear right into my soul Those eyes that pierce my heart With resurging grief The trust in those eyes The innocence The vulnerability The beauty The depth
And those little fingers That always had One of those toy figurines
Oh my heart grieves so badly for you Pete My little boy who never grew up Well you made it to twenty five…before you died But you never really grew up….To me Those eyes stayed with you Those eyes that still make me melt Even today You have captured my heart and soul For eternity Pete I stay connected to you through your eyes In pictures such as this…..I have made pictures of just your eyes For you see me as no one else ever did I still see you as no one else ever did Oh my God, how I love you Pete!!! Oh my God, how I miss you!!!
You trusted me!!!!
Your Morning Grumpy Face Mornings were not your best But oh how I loved to see that tousled hair When you came down the stairs And that cute face with the big sleepy eyes Wearing your newest Star War pajamas That I had surprised you with the night before Or sometimes if I was tired You would just climb into bed with me (And bring 50,000 toys with you as well) That imagination of yours Fascinated me And entertained me As long as you had lots of G.I Joe’s Star War figurines & space ships Plus your WWE Wrestlers And every other type Of very strange looking Space creature or super hero figurines You could and did play for hours And Hours And hours All day long I would hear that little voice of yours Yapping away to your toys As you swirled around, making strange noises And launching your plastic hero’s into action As you discovered the universes Saved the galaxies And used ingenious insight for a little kid Maybe you were practicing for when you died and went back home again You never were very fond of having to grow up. Maybe that is why you died at 25
One of My Favourite Pictures of You This is you at your sweetest And absolute cutest My heart just melts when I look at you in this picture You loved it at the beach It was you favourite Place to be And that lasted Your whole life The circumstances changed For why you loved the beach It was forever the place Where you could unwind And relax Even when You were a kid You stressed! So seeing the pure joy And peace in these little eyes I took you to the beach often‌ As you grew into teenage and young adult years You went to Hawaii with nanners and Uncle Don And fell in love with the Hawaiian way Every summer you spent weekends at Wasaga beach But you partied a bit too hardy back then (not good) When you died, we took your ashes back to all of the beaches you loved so much So you could
find your joy again and be free
It’s A Very Long Road But I’ll Find you (and me) Here in the clouds at the top of a mountain I peer out to find you but I look out and down And am surprised to find someone who looks like me
Wait...it is me Another version of me that is setting out to find you For me She is brave to walk the path With so much devastation and ruin in her heart And I want to go and join her I want to help myself I can’t go on Being this ripped apart and polarized Part of me being Paralysed with grief The other part Needing to move forward We are looking out to each other recognizing we need to integrate our selves & your loss
Then we will find you –the glue that holds the broken pieces of my heart together
Your Footprint This is yours This is your footprint It looks bigger Here in this picture But you were only little When we made this together We painted your foot In red paint And you giggled (as usual) And squirmed (as usual) Then you put your foot on the paper That left this footprint For me to treasure As a childhood memory Of my “big� little boy You always wanted to be big Even when you were little But I realize now That you were right You ended up being bigger than life And left a HUGE imprint on everybody Even before you died But particularly after you died You left a footprint we all follow
BUT can never be filled
Found This Image This actually depicts you So perfectly Inside my womb Bursting to get out Away from all boundaries Since your conception Even when the “structure” was there To keep you safe and nurtured You were feeling crowded and confined And insist on doing it your way Just because! Even if it did not make sense For you to leave the safety Of where you were at Even when you recognized that it was reckless Most of the times Regardless of the consequences You would kick and scream until you found a way To “escape” the confines Of what you felt was imposed on you by others Right from the beginning you were trying to break free From boundaries that confined you No wonder you never had any So much like your mother Pete I guess you are free to be you now…no safety net needed I wish you were back in my belly again
Baby Son in the Sky The visual I have of you Since I have Scattered your ashes And reclaimed all ages of you I lost when you died It is the baby stage of you That makes me cry The most Is it because you seem more vulnerable? Is it because I feel you need me? Little ones need their moms But the reality is It is I who need you And when I go back to the beginning Of your life I see the fresh canvas of hope that we both were Back then And I feel that protective motherly instinct So real & raw, I can’t help but wonder‌ what if?
Flying Fish ... A Communication of Spirit This picture spoke to me ...of you And I don’t quite know why Or how to interpret it It hit my senses and touched a thousand emotions I recognize now that you do communicate to me through pictures And if I take the time to emotionally engage and open my heart and soul Then I can articulate a grief trigger or express a deeply rooted level of pain Or find comfort in an analogy of my own creation Well....maybe it is actually a partnership from beyond the veils to help me mitigate the damage Your death has created for me
Of course...you send me a fish picture instead of fluffy clouds or angels We have always been so different and out there on the fringes So it is not strange to me That I recognize that these fish are a communication from you...
My first thought was you “drowning” And struggling with your mental health in this 3D world That caused you to self medicate the pain And that trapped you under the rock of addiction Deep below the dark waters of your life
But that analogy did not feel right to me on a soul level
Because then it would seem that you (Being the flying fish in this picture) Were jumping into deeper waters ..... All isolated and alone So I opened my heart and soul even more And asked you to clarify for me what this “sign” was And then it came pouring in A wave of communication My eyes swelled with tears My skin tingled and my heart melted with love Plus joy tinged grief As I remembered
The memorial your step dad wrote to you was from Pink Floyd (one of your favourite bands) “Two lost souls living in a fish bowl” was his dedication to you And I saw that the little glass had two fish left Your step dad and me And the other fish that was flying (you) Had left us as “The two lost souls living in a fish bowl” But you were flying into new territory ...a whole new world (Represented by the bowl as opposed to the glass) And you were no longer crowded....
I realized in this moment of heart connection
That you have found a whole new world to explore And you went with no fear Because you recognized it as your real home
You are no longer drowning in a crowded glass As we banged off each other trying to find you hope You needed to leave the confines of this three dimensional world So you could swim and find the flow of life In your “afterlife� Now you have found safety but we are still juxtaposed beside each other Close enough to meet each other half way My soul understands this Water holds endless mystery...... It represents that which is certainly there, but cannot be seen Water is also known to a symbol of the womb The fish too has similar symbolic meaning
Eternity - Creativity - Knowledge - Change - Transformation - Faith - Unity - Happiness - Freedom So your message to me is You set forth into the cosmic womb - embodying a new phase of life - upon the waters of creation And found your happiness and freedom Is that not the wish for any mother - that her child is happy and safe? You are NOT lost to me
We are NOT lost to each other
The integration of grief becomes the ability to negotiate and find each other again...
Where do we go from here Pete?? You are looking at me and I connect with you My eyes meet yours (again)
And we both smile Somewhere between the worlds I reach my hand out to you Through my heart And we connect (again) Somewhere between the worlds And I ask you again Pete Where do we go from here?
My son We have a gift You and I
Can we help others to find hope? Even in the worst of circumstances?
It is essential I end with a Visual of peace And tranquility So one knows You can find light And hope After the darkness Of bereavement And Staggering loss That the soul & human spirit Can help us Rise above our tragedies To find Integration And wholeness again
That out of chaos comes great awareness when you fight back with surrender, dignity and grace
“Little Books of Big Pain” Series By Betty-Lou Kristy are uniquely artistic depictions of lived experience journeys of a mother (Betty-Lou) and her late son (Pete) that utilize picture and soulful prose narratives that invites the reader into a depth of emotional engagement not possible to articulate in spoken word. Each is a brutally honest and intensely real testament of polarizing, yet juxtaposed, explorations into darkness and light. The reader will recognize the astounding ability of the human spirit to rise from the ashes, find peace in the chaos, new strengths from the horrors and the true gifts of enlightenment that can be realized. Living Bereaved- A Mother’s Journey: Captivating reflection & dialogue takes the reader through many stages of Betty-Lou’s grieving and profound devastation after the death of her son Pete but also allows the reader to be a part of the latter stages of the grief process when Betty-Lou was able to attain integration, resolution and spiritual enlightenment. The ability for a mother and child, regardless of physical death, to let their love-soul connection lead them is staggering and profound. This expression of vulnerability and dedication is not intended just for those dealing directly with bereavement issues but also for others trying to help and/or understand the intense pain of losing a child. (File Size: 4 MB) Mutations of the Mind- A Child Lost To Prescription Pain Opioid Medication & Mental Health: Searing dynamics of a child lost (Pete) to Oxycontin overdose and a mother (Betty-Lou) already living in recovery from her own mental health and addiction issues trying to hold on without relapsing. Step inside juxtaposing life paths as mother and son were trapped in the generational cycle unable to source help or hope....and that cost Pete his life. The reader (those living this or others trying to help/understand) is privy to reality, honesty and vulnerability throughout this delineation and gifted with awareness, insight and hope even within the tragic reality. (File Size: 4.1 MB) Glass in My Sandbox- Inside the Mind of Childhood Trauma:” For the abused child and the broken inner child.” Betty-Lou journeys into her traumatic childhood being the child of dysfunctional alcoholic parents and a mother that acted out in brutal violence and rage when she drank. Viewed through the eyes & emotions of that wounded child allows the reader (survivors or someone who is trying to help/understand) to gauge what exploded inside and clearly portrays how trauma affects children. There is fear, terror, loneliness, isolation and darkness visited.... but it is wrapped in outcomes of light, hope and recovery. Betty-Lou has very carefully crafted a safety net being cognizant of balancing what is disclosed to avoid re-triggering trauma for the reader. (File Size: 4.3 MB) Being provided free of charge
In collaboration with www.eBookGuides4Life.com, an eco-friendly trusted ePublisher and a convenient, cost effective eBook Store where you can buy quality eBook guides for life's experiences, my lived experience picture & soulful prose narratives are available for download free of charge at www.LittleBooksOfBigPain.com This site has my bio, CAMH Transforming Lives Award video and a memorial video of my late son Pete. If you would prefer to have me e-mail you the e-books directly then feel free to contact me at betty_pdb@msn.com I am using this page in all three e-books, to guide readers to the other titles in this series to date. The cover pages and peer/community agency reviews of the other e-books in this series follow next.
Mutations of the mind Second Manuscript from My “Little Books of Big Pain” Series
By: Betty-Lou Kristy
A Child Lost To Prescription Pain (Opioid) Medication Addiction and Accidental overdose Plus Unresolved Mental Health Issues Picture Prose & Musings Copyright 2012© by Betty-Lou Kristy- All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be retransmitted, copied, or duplicated in any way without the expressed permission of the author.
Reviews: ‘Mutations of The Mind’ (A child lost to opioids)
“Only a person that has experienced mental health problems themselves can understand the terror of losing their soul. Only a person trapped in addiction- lost in its depths of despair can feel the pain of trying to find their way back. Only a parent that has lost their child to drugs can describe the horror and anguish of its reality. Only a mother that has lost her son can write about the agony of love ripped from the womb. Betty-Lou has lived it all.” Bill Robinson- A bereaved father from Oakville who lost his son James to OxyContin addiction
"An immensely revealing and raw journey through a grieving mother's psyche; Prepare to be broadsided by the cataclysm addiction can leave in its wake" A. Spencer-In recovery from prescription opioid (oxycontin) addiction
“In this raw and honest account, Betty-Lou gives voice to her feelings of grief, anguish, and guilt, at not being able to save her only child, Pete, from an addiction which proved fatal. Through courage and strength, drawn from the unconditional love shared by a mother and son, she tells their story... and Pete's voice continues to be heard. Though heartbreaking, their story is also one of hope, and serves as a poignant reminder of the necessity that effective services be available to those of us who share similar struggles.” Sean Winger-Addiction Counsellor; MMT Consumer Advocate-In MMT since 2002 to treat an addiction to Oxycontin
“Betty Lou’s empowering story demonstrates the capacity of the human spirit to sustain life despite the trail of tragedy and despair left by mental health and addiction issues in one’s life. This book is a learning tool for all who live with mental health issues and those who wish to understand their lives.” Linda Chamberlain-Consumer survivor activist and founder of the Dream Team
“For those of us who have lost a child through death embracing each day becomes such a heart wrenching, unbearable struggle. Betty-Lou Kristy's book depicts her personal struggle after the death of her only child. She candidly shares her innermost feelings of guilt and her temptation to withdraw and sink forever deeper into her despair. She talks openly about drug addiction and mental health issues. It is incredibly honest & painful.” Sandy Wiltshire, a bereaved mom and author of My Gift of Light
“Betty-Lou Kristy is a one woman power-pack that has turned adversity, a self destructive behavior and heart-wrenching personal loss into a very personal self empowering mission that has saved countless lives. The unimaginable hardship that this remarkable woman has faced in her life time has laid the foundation for healing, teaching and the unlimited soul growth of not only her, but the countless, sometimes nameless and faceless people she has and continues to fight for. Betty-Lou’s life is a light for many who live in darkness.” Christopher Stillar-Spiritual Medium and author of Pennies from Heaven
Glass in My Sandbox Third Manuscript from My “Little Books of Big Pain” Series By: Betty-Lou Kristy
Giving voice To a time in my life When I did not have one
An opportunity for Reflection Healing Awareness Picture Prose & Musings Copyright 2012© by Betty-Lou Kristy- All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be retransmitted, copied, or duplicated in any way without the expressed permission of the author.
Reviews: ‘Glass in My Sandbox’ (Inside the Mind of Childhood Trauma) “As someone who works with families from pre-birth through adolescence to adulthood, I know the importance of healthy child and youth development and the impact that positive parenting has on who that child becomes. Glass in My Sandbox shows in spades the trauma Betty-Lou experienced as a child and her inner voice showed me how all that trauma translated into the many issues that young people face as a result of their early years experiences. We need to find better ways to help parents see the impact they are having on their children and to seek help for their families - for the sake of that little girl in the bathroom, curled in a ball on the floor. I’ll never forget your story. Thanks for the gift you have given me Betty-Lou” Joyce See, Director, Community Health Services, Halton Region Health Department
"Glass in My Sandbox folds the reader over in the layers of darkness so thoroughly that there is a blinding pain in the brightness that comes at its end. Just as the childhood and early adult life of author Betty-Lou Kristy was haunted by trauma, so I found myself haunted by the feelings her work evoked from me through masterful use of powerful prose and imagery. One does not simply "read" Glass in My Sandbox but rather is given a naked glimpse into one woman's tragic past, viewed through the lens of lost innocence. An experience that is impossible to forget." Deborah Gatenby, President of Addictions Ontario; trauma survivor and recovering opiate addict
“It isn’t easy to vocalize the experiences of a darkened childhood. Betty-Lou was spot on. She was able to articulate feelings I felt/feel that I was unable to label so I put them away on dusty old shelves. Glass in My Sandbox helped me realize how young I was when I wanted to die. In reading this, I feel some torn threads mending, helping me to understand and heal. The illustrations do a wonderful job of capturing emotions that cannot be expressed. Her powerful, yet gentle, spoken honesty somehow lessen the lingering shame. The insight this writing provides will leave the reader a little more healed or more understanding of a loved one’s past. Keep nurturing that nine-year old little girl. She is such a brave soul. She is pure love.” S.Law - Survivor childhood trauma
“Betty Lou combines raw beauty, frank honesty and inspiring soul-searching to achieve something rarely seen in literature today; a testament of love and pain, with epic memories and reflections that will surely take the reader on a soulful and melancholy journey through the heart of a courageous survivor…Ms. Kristy has crafted a work of hope, hope that we can all strive to overcome the odds that this incredible artist has. Read, and enjoy, Glass in My Sandbox. It may change your life!” Sean LeBlanc, D.U.A.L. Chairperson, Ottawa Inner City Health Consultant
“How does one search for the pieces of themselves? Glass in my Sandbox is a creative and poignant lived experience of hope that embodies pain, courage, reflection and forgiveness. Betty-Lou takes the reader on a journey through the shadows and tornado of her childhood to the light, hope and inspiration of her adulthood. Betty-Lou uses her childhood trauma as an opportunity for transformation and the journey to being whole. A beautiful read of vitality, strength and resilience.” Danielle Pomeroy, Social Worker MSW, RSW
“Glass in My Sandbox is sure to heal the hearts and souls of so many. It is an example of transparency for the sake of both ourselves and others. Betty-Lou is a warrior of truth, authenticity and integrity in her quest to heal herself and hopes to empower others to break the cycle of abuse and addiction." Michelle LeRoy; Holistic Youth Life Coach- “Healing our Youth from the inside out so they can shine their light on our world"
“Glass in My Sandbox is riveting, intense and brutally honest” C.Z. – Physical/Emotional/Sexual Trauma Survivor and Recovering Opiate Addict
“I enjoy reading and re-reading Glass in My Sandbox as I seem to take away something different each time I read it. I feel tears forming in my eyes. Maybe deep inside I hope the tears will flow. The visuals help me to see what I feel. I just gave Glass in My Sandbox to my boyfriend. I wanted him to read it so he could see (yup, see) the feelings that I experienced. I don't really talk much about it and he gets stuck on the incidences and gets so mad. This book can take him past the details of the abuse to the feelings associated with the abuse. I don't think he (or many non-abused) understands that it wasn't the pain of the violence as much as the fright and how it made me feel. It is hard to relay the imprint it leaves in a woman. Your book does it so very precisely. I hope he understands healing doesn't mean gone; that the love for the abuser can still be there when it is a parent; my intolerance of violence now; my inability to fall asleep. Your book has done so much for me.” Susan –Childhood trauma, incest, physical, emotional abuse survivor; in recovery addictions & mental health
“Betty Lou’s Glass in My Sandbox should be read by everyone, not just victims and survivors. The book provides insight of the trauma and the crippling effect that abuse has on children and their growth. My girlfriend lived through similar experiences - the beatings, the abuse, the trauma. Though she rarely talks about it you, you could tell how damaging it was. Not until I read Glass in My Sandbox did I somewhat understand the pain that these children must have felt, the helplessness that no one would save them. Imagine that. The simple lesson that I learned is if you’re a victim of abuse, don’t be ashamed. It’s not your fault. Please talk to someone, and if they don’t believe you, tell somebody else. If you are the abuser (whether intentionally or unintentionally), please stop and get some help because every day that the pain continues, you are slowly killing their spirit.” JS- Live in partner of someone who has been abused as a child
“Parents are supposed to protect, nurture and develop children to their full potential. Not traumatize, break their spirit and allow them to live in fear. To live in a house where you were always waiting for the next abusive fight to take place, fear for everyone’s safety and pray for it to stop was terrifying. We never spoke about it and there was nothing we could do to stop it and nobody knew. For Betty-Lou to have the ability to articulate and communicate the trauma that was endured during our childhood proves that there is a promise of hope for others. I know the journey that Betty-Lou has travelled because I am her twin sister” Debby-Lou