Mutations of the mind Second Manuscript from My “Little Books of Big Pain” Series
By: Betty-Lou Kristy
A Child Lost To Prescription Pain (Opioid) Medication Addiction and Accidental overdose Plus Unresolved Mental Health Issues Picture Prose & Musings Copyright 2012© by Betty-Lou Kristy- All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be retransmitted, copied, or duplicated in any way without the expressed permission of the author.
Reviews: ‘Mutations of The Mind’ (A child lost to opioids)
“Only a person that has experienced mental health problems themselves can understand the terror of losing their soul. Only a person trapped in addiction- lost in its depths of despair can feel the pain of trying to find their way back. Only a parent that has lost their child to drugs can describe the horror and anguish of its reality. Only a mother that has lost her son can write about the agony of love ripped from the womb. Betty-Lou has lived it all.” Bill Robinson- A bereaved father from Oakville who lost his son James to OxyContin addiction
"An immensely revealing and raw journey through a grieving mother's psyche; Prepare to be broadsided by the cataclysm addiction can leave in its wake" A. Spencer-In recovery from prescription opioid (oxycontin) addiction
“In this raw and honest account, Betty-Lou gives voice to her feelings of grief, anguish, and guilt, at not being able to save her only child, Pete, from an addiction which proved fatal. Through courage and strength, drawn from the unconditional love shared by a mother and son, she tells their story... and Pete's voice continues to be heard. Though heartbreaking, their story is also one of hope, and serves as a poignant reminder of the necessity that effective services be available to those of us who share similar struggles.” Sean Winger-Addiction Counsellor; MMT Consumer Advocate-In MMT since 2002 to treat an addiction to Oxycontin
“Betty Lou’s empowering story demonstrates the capacity of the human spirit to sustain life despite the trail of tragedy and despair left by mental health and addiction issues in one’s life. This book is a learning tool for all who live with mental health issues and those who wish to understand their lives.” Linda Chamberlain-Consumer survivor activist and founder of the Dream Team
“For those of us who have lost a child through death embracing each day becomes such a heart wrenching, unbearable struggle. Betty-Lou Kristy's book depicts her personal struggle after the death of her only child. She candidly shares her innermost feelings of guilt and her temptation to withdraw and sink forever deeper into her despair. She talks openly about drug addiction and mental health issues. It is incredibly honest & painful.” Sandy Wiltshire, a bereaved mom and author of My Gift of Light
“Betty-Lou Kristy is a one woman power-pack that has turned adversity, a self destructive behavior and heart-wrenching personal loss into a very personal self empowering mission that has saved countless lives. The unimaginable hardship that this remarkable woman has faced in her life time has laid the foundation for healing, teaching and the unlimited soul growth of not only her, but the countless, sometimes nameless and faceless people she has and continues to fight for. Betty-Lou’s life is a light for many who live in darkness.” Christopher Stillar-Spiritual Medium and author of Pennies from Heaven
Betty-Lou’s world of advocacy in honour and memory of her son Betty-Lou’s son Pete died at age 25 from a mixed drug overdose (Oxycontin opioid pain medication and psychiatric medication) on Dec 23 2001. She is also a survivor of her own journey with mental illness, drug & alcohol addiction and childhood trauma plus managed to hold on to her recovery without relapsing after her son Pete died. As a result of Pete’s death, Betty-Lou is an outspoken provincial advocate, speaker, active committee member and facilitator/trainer for Mental Health, Addictions, Trauma and Bereavement reform and was awarded the ……
Centre for Addiction & Mental Health (CAMH) Transforming Lives Award Betty-Lou is a former board director and peer support bereavement facilitator for Bereaved Families of OntarioHalton/Peel. She is currently a board director for the Canadian Mental Health Association–HRB and is also engaged in multifocused strategies to improve outcomes for those with opioid dependence such as: CAMH OpiATE project CAMH OpiATE Outreach Peer Education Network Halton “Do You Know?”- Youth, Parent & Community Prescription Opioid Awareness Ontario Drug Treatment Funding Program PWLE Advisory (DTFP) Drugs in Our Community Oxycontin Strategy Group Betty-Lou has worked on specialized projects such as: Health Minister’s Consumer Advisory for the 10 year Mental Health & Addiction Strategy Health Minister’s Expert Working Group Narcotic Addiction Halton Regional Methadone Maintenance Treatment Working Group CAMH on-line training for professionals working with families affected by Concurrent Disorders Additionally, she has both training and past experience within Children's Aid Society, Restorative Justice, Aboriginal communities, Conflict mediation and Police programs Betty-Lou believes strongly that effective care and choice is a fundamental human right for all people struggling & suffering with mental health, Addiction, trauma and/or bereavement issues Everyone deserves that opportunity These are tough issues that need to be given voice So others can feel safe and be safe
STOP the isolation, shame, stigma and barriers
Our Journey My son, Peter (kristy) Beattie, died on Dec 23 2001 at age twenty-five from an accidental mixed drug overdose - Narcotic (opioid) prescription pain medication Oxycontin & psychiatric drugs Pete struggled with mental health issues (depression, anxiety and panic attacks) His addiction issues morphed from his self medicating of unresolved mental, emotional and spiritual pain PLUS complete loss of hope and direction
This giving voice project differs in focus from the first narrative titled “Living Bereaved-A Mother Journey” because this engagement involves the grieving process with a specific focus and dynamic of grieving a loved one lost to addiction and unresolved mental health issues.
Being a mother who tried to break the cyclical family patterns of mental health and addiction while trying desperately to source effective help for both of us- at different stages of our collective journeys- created layers of emotions both explored and expressed. There is recognition that my son should have had his healthier mother much earlier in his life and that would have created a stronger foundation for Pete. That stronger foundation could have provided him with the security he needed and possibly diverted him from the severity of his addictions and mental health battles. There is anger at myself and anger at Pete through the processes and a complexity of grieving that is quite powerful but you will witness that morph into “healing” and integration of his loss as I explore the realms with a broken but open heart.
The result of that is an obvious soul connection to Pete that is still palpable
It delivers clarity and hope
Table of Contents Mutations of the Mind-A Child Lost to Prescription Opioids......Cover page Book Reviews............................................................................page 2 Betty-Lou’s World of Advocacy...................................................page 3 Our Journey..............................................................................page 4 Table of Contents...................................................................page 5-6 My Truth..................................................................................page 7 Acceptance............................................................................page 8-9 And Sometimes I Wonder...........................................................page 10 This Is My Son Pete...................................................................page 11 They Told Me He Was Dead...................................................page 12-15 And There You Were Stuck.......................................................page 16 I Hate This Reflection of You.....................................................page 17 How Am I Going to Do This Pete.................................................page 18 I Can’t Believe This Is My Reality..........................................page 19-22 You Self-Medicated Yourself to Death.......................................page 23 If I Had Known...................................................................page 24-26 My Portrait of You...................................................................page 27 Shadowed by Your Shadow........................................................page 28
Fragmented Pieces..................................................................page 29 Our New Life Opportunity.....................................................page 30-31 Don’t Want To Remember ........................................................page 32 This Is How Much Sense It Makes.............................................page 33 I Am Split In Two.....................................................................page 34 My Upside Down Kid................................................................page 35 One Of A Kind (part one & two)...............................................page 36 Little Man...............................................................................page 37 Your Tiny Sailor Suit...............................................................page 38 Scattering Your Ashes.............................................................page 40 Whose Image Is This................................................................page 41 We Took Your Ashes To Hawaii................................................page 42 How Long Do I Write About You................................................page 43 Time Warp..............................................................................page 44 You Are The One.....................................................................page 45 Where Does Our Journey Take Us Now My Son..........................page 46 It Is Important To Me...............................................................page 47 Little Books of Big Pain Series- List of the three Picture Voice & Prose Journeys in this series available for free download, website info to access, cover pages & reviews...........................................................................page 48-53
My Truth A bereaved mother trying to hold on tight to her hard fought Recovery from Mental illness Alcoholism And Drug addictions
Against all odds As she grieves her son Who never had The chance To find Or secure His recovery From the same illnesses
An honest, real and often raw delineation For A Son Who Died From an Accidental Prescription Opioid Pain Medication (Oxycontin) & Psychiatric Drug Overdose
Acceptance Who do I start to thank For a defining moment in life Where pain has been transformed Into a powerful clarification of character How do I possibly say thank you To a lifetime of trauma, rebuilding and growth In a way that doesn’t condone all that has happened But regards it as the evolvement of life Not so simple Not so pure How do I acknowledge all the characters? That played a pivotal role in my play As the polarities of extremes catapulted all the players out of control But eventually redefined with forgiveness, compassion and release of judgment How do I express the loss of self for so many years Into the abyss of drugs, alcohol and mental illness How do I put words to the agony of losing a child Who fought just as hard but lost his battle to the exact same things
Again And again
How do I articulate the dynamics of a cyclical process? That left us feeling we were failing each other
So fully entrenched in changing dynamics as we fought for control Over the ‘demons’ that both gutted us and ended up transforming us You had to die to stake your claim and regain your balance I had to stay sober, clean and mentally fit to face this marathon called grief And we had to find a way to be both separate and still together While negotiating a whole new dynamic of being worlds apart
You always said to me “Mom I was meant for so much more!” And I say to you Pete, you’ve not only done it But you have surpassed it You’ve actioned and actualized That purpose you couldn’t find in life Forever being that fire in my belly That has ALWAYS pushed me to get up We bridge that divide To meet in the middle Sharing our truths Our tragedies And our triumphs Being the proof that out of chaos Comes great awareness When you fight back With surrender, dignity and grace When you are brave enough to forgive And follow your heart Even when you don’t know Where it is going to lead you In spite of it all I still believe In the beauty and sanctity of life I know of the power of love To transform and transcend all boundaries I’m continually amazed At the ability of the human spirit To get up, over and over and over again ONE STEP AT A TIME WHEN WE CAN WHEN WE ARE READY
To always be the phoenix that rises up from the ashes
And sometimes I wonder I wondered if I would ever be able to smile again Because you were so wracked with defeat And the poison that ran through your mind And I could not reach you I did not seem to have anything you wanted Or needed Unless I could morph into A bottle of booze Or some Oxycontin Or some weed Or some valium Anything to sedate you Then I could not help you Then you died And I was resigned to NEVER smiling again As a matter of fact I felt very disloyal one day….years later…when I did smile So I did not do that again for a very long time Now I KNOW you want me to smile I know you feel better when I genuinely smile Actually…you make me smile When I think about how much I love you still You always reciprocated that love back to me Even in your worst of times And you continue to do that for me And that allows me to smile (again)
He Died This is my son Pete Dec 23 2001
Of an Accidental
OXYCONTIN Drug overdose
HE WAS ONLY 25 YEARS OLD
They told me he was dead They told me he was dead… And I looked at him Dead in that bed And I stopped
Breathing I’m sure Get out of that bed! Open your eyes
You can’t leave me my son You can’t leave me behind
What have you done?
My crazy beautiful Son
What have you done? I love you so much You are my whole world My heart
My soul
The love of my life I won’t believe them
You can’t be dead
My crazy beautiful son
It is X-mas time
You have to wake up and open your gifts
Why did you mix those drugs Pete
Why? Why? Why?
My tears are drowning me
I won’t believe them Get up My son
My crazy beautiful son
Get up!!! I told you
I warned you
I tried to help you I loved you
I spoiled you
You are my essence You are my reason To get out of bed
How can you be dead? You are only 25 years old
Get up! Get out of that bed!
Open your eyes Your skin is turning blue My heart is breaking I can’t breathe
My crazy beautiful son You lied to me You told me you were going to try and get better You told me that you would never leave me You knew I would die, if you died
You knew that
We talked about that
How could you let this happen? Why did you take those drugs?
I knew you were sad
I knew you were depressed and scared
But I told you
We would get through this I promised you that
And now YOU broke
MY promise to you
How can I stand by you? And help you through
And support you no matter what
If you are dead
What have you done?
My crazy beautiful son
What have you done?
I know you hate it when I cry I know it makes you feel bad
When you’ve made me cry WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
Why would you do anything that might make me cry? And Cry
And Cry
And Cry
It is X-mas in two days I have all your gifts
It is X-mas in two days
Wake up!!
Do something
Do anything
You can even make me angry
Again Do anything But don’t just lie there Turning blue
I don’t mind worrying About your mental health
I don’t mind worrying
About your alcoholism I don’t mind worrying
About your drug addiction
I’ll take you any way I can have you I told you I would love you And fight for you
And support you
Till your last dying breath That was not supposed to be
When you were only 25 years old
What have you done?
My crazy beautiful son What have you done? It could have gotten better for you
I’m sure
Isn’t unconditional love supposed to cure all?
Can it be that you are actually dead? I can’t breath I’m going to be sick
Please open your eyes!!!
And there you were…stuck There you were Pete…STUCK…like a deer frozen in the headlights Knowing you had to move but not knowing what move to make next Because you were so lost Petrified of your mind And the weird irrational explosions in there Not knowing where to turn to Not trusting you or even me to help negotiate a way through it all All you trusted was your need To medicate the pain Through your addictions To numb your mind To find that long lost joy Through artificial stimulation Dangerous mutations of reality Seemed more plausible, seemed more successful to you Than the truth of the potential reality you could have achieved If you could have held on Just a little while longer If you could have trusted both of us long enough to find hope Long enough to try to care what happened to you Even when I know, that YOU KNEW Your way was not going to “work” for you any longer Seems kind of weird that two people who are so intelligent And loved each other so much, could not source a solution in time!
DEAD END!
I hate this reflection of you It kills me To remember you this way Stripped bare Exposed Vulnerable and broken With the winds of insanity biting at you Pete, you were such a mess In the end How did that happen? How did we let that happen? You had so much to offer this world And you did But it cost you big time Because this life had absolutely nothing to offer you That you were interested in But thinking about it now It did But we couldn’t find it For you And we couldn’t find it for me Early enough to help you….effectively Here we are Pete Out on the fringe We have always been that way Kinda weird and different But I wish we could have Found a way To embrace that in ourselves and used it to rise above The chaos of our minds The lull of our addictions And my scars that prevented you from having a healthy mom sooner I am so sorry Pete!!
How am I going to do this Pete? How am I going to live without you? I am rotting with grief The pain is eating at me I am losing myself You were gone in hours I am slowing decaying Losing you has left gaping wounds In me I am a mere shadow of my former self You were everything to me Pete A huge part of me died when you died I am stuck and fragile Wounded to the core I am just a structure worn away from the storm I need you back here with me Pieces of me are gone forever And soon I am going to fold into myself Where and how do I source what I am not even sure I need? How could I possibly know how to endure this?
Whoever expects to lose their child?
I Can’t Believe This Is My Reality I cried
And Cried And cried
And worried sick that you may die Then you died
Now I cry
And cry
And cry But I don’t worry
About you dying anymore Because
You died!
Will I ever Stop crying about you?
And with each passing year comes yet another level of pain Another level of loss & grief
Sometimes it becomes so pronounced
That I think I am going to die without you
That I can no longer tolerate this intensity of pain for another second I don’t know how to cope without you
With this harsh reality
Of the void The pit
You have left me in
I crave for your presence
I just want you back and I need this nightmare to end
I can’t believe this is my reality
Come back Pete!”
PLEASE
Come back to me
I can’t cope
This is my worst nightmare - You died - You actually died on me How could you let that happen Pete? How could you have been so stupid? I am so ANGRY
Why do you Get to escape And I don’t
Yes, it was all
Messed up for you I get that Pete
Down here
I do absolutely get that
But couldn’t we have made it better for you? We were working so hard on that All of our energy went to that
I know it was intense and spinning out of control
Maybe I was naïve to think that love was enough to carry us to a solution for you To think that a miracle could happen
To redeem us and birth a better reality for us
I mistakenly thought love WAS enough to conquer anything I don’t know who taught me that
Certainly not MY parents
But parenting YOU was the most amazing experience
It was tough
It was hard
I made a LOT of mistakes
But oh my God, I loved you so very much
I still do…..with such intensity
I utterly can’t believe this is my reality! Through all my parenting mistakes Misjudgments I was lead by my heart
Stupidity
Lapses of reason
My fierce protective love for you
My intense need To see you happy And Safe
My warped rational that your happiness would somehow give me mine I gave it all to you Pete
I drained and depleted myself trying to sustain you Trying to stop the chaos for you
And that just created more chaos for both of us
Because neither one of us were grounded enough
To help anchor each other in a practical healthy foundation
We were unable to root in healthy soil
so I could not be the healthy tree of which you were an obvious branch I couldn’t provide the sustenance you needed
Because I didn’t know then what I know now
I was naïve to think love would be enough
Can’t help but feel I failed you Pete as parent to child
Even though I used every loving resource that I knew
To Try and make it better for you
Will we get a second chance in some parallel or future Life Together? I can’t believe you actually died from a stupid drug overdose What a HUGE price to pay for both of our mistakes
We deserved another chance and we just needed a bit more time You should have tried to hold on longer Pete You were NEVER a burden to me Pete
I can’t believe you are not here anymore
I can’t believe this is my reality!!!
Love SHOULD have been enough
You self medicated yourself to death I can’t forget about the booze and pills You were stuffing into yourself bottles at a time You must have eventually realized how dangerous that was
Instead of lying to me And leaving me
Couldn’t you have Been honest with me?
Couldn’t you have trusted me enough? You know I would not have judged you There was no need for you To try and protect me from that Yes, I would have been angry And frustrated
That you relapsed again
Because I was scared for you NOT scared of you
I can be furious with you and still ferociously love you at the same time
I am angrier at myself for not being able to find help for you
I feel like I failed you
If I had known If I had known then what I know now I would have recognized That you were NOT in psychiatric crisis You were in a spiritual crisis
I would have recognized That your physical pain was NOT an organic disease They were manifestations Of the pain on your soul I did understand That your addiction Was your ONLY Ways to cope With an internal Conflict That was frightening you To DEATH
Your failing health Your growing addictions Your declining mental health Petrified me Because I did not know how to effectively help you I only knew how to unconditionally LOVE you And at some level I KNEW I was going to lose you I could not have recognized that it was What we had NOT learned yet That was both the source of the problems And the solution to them
I would have been able to offer you different direction Alternatives Choices Advise
Hope
I could have been EFFECTIVE instead of REACTIVE Together between us we have continually rotated roles of the needy and the fulfilled, of the teacher and the student, of the parent and the child, of the desperate and the hopeful, of the scared and the brave, of the victim and the perpetrator Between us We have experienced All sides of polarity In this newest Of our apposite roles Your death Has given me absolute Devastation, grief and pain Has given you complete Fulfillment, freedom and joy But in giving me The utter darkness You have lead me to profound enlightenment Yes‌.you have given me both
The one known The one constant That continually balances These polar opposite roles for us That always keeps us together No matter how divided Even now When that has become a physical separation Has always been Our undying love for each other
And no matter how lost each of us has gotten That love has always found us again and again It always delivers us back to each other We become whole again Both individually And as a “unit” We arrive back to each other Stronger More cohesive And although on the surface Right now You are the lost This time You lost your life It appears You lost your future And I lost my future With my son On the surface we both Seem to be lost To each other Again(?) How many times have we done this Pete? Somewhere deep inside I am consoled by the “knowing” I know you are the delivered …not just dead and gone In losing your life you have found yourself You are living your dream You are more alive in death Than you ever were or could have been in life You survived your physical death and blossomed I know that A mother just knows Now I must find a way to survive my physical life
Until we meet again
My portrait of you The love in your eyes
The fascination and adoration You had for animals
You protected You loved Your heart and soul Connected To these creatures Or children Or seniors Or any type of under dog Your pureness Of heart Radiated from you
That is why you Found the world harsh And self medicated that reality There was too much pain and you internalized it all.......and exploded That
happens a lot to earth angels
Shadowed by Your Shadow Here you are being weird again
Acting the clown No one knows Just you and I
That you were suicidal (Again) After an extended run with liquor and pills (Again) Because your ghosts were haunting you endlessly (Again) Your mind was terrifying you so badly you tried to dull the pain (Again) I was so scared for you that I slept down in your basement with you (Again) You were like a roller coaster of extremes I can’t believe the performances you put on to cover it all As you self medicated at an alarming rate to try and keep the shadows away By this point you had lost over 40 pounds & you were always sick
Your dark shadow surrounds you in this picture!
Fragmented Pieces I search To find my fragmented pieces And rebuild myself since your death I may look like I’m falling apart But I’m actually rebuilding You somehow always assure me That I am going to find myself Again During these times of bereavement
And acute pain When it seems I have nothing left But an intense craving to self destruct And relapse back into alcohol & drugs I sense you from far beyond the worlds And I feel you stir deep inside of my heart And I find All that I need to source When we meet at soul level In your death you have become my ferocious protector and guide And that infusion from you keeps me from falling back My belief in you is what allows that dynamic And your belief in me is what allows me to do the work To find the inner strength to augment what you send to me Unwavering and replenishing and essential Thank you for being my backbone with which to survive your loss And not relapse back into insanity and self medicating pain
Our New Life Opportunity …….. (back then) Remember when we all got married Pete? By then this would be my third husband And your third “father” figure But, truth is… You and I received The best gift that day You got the only true father ever
And you got a step brother too
I got the only True husband ever
I was still kind of wild and out of control back then But this marriage was the start of my come back And healing You were just starting To surface the rage inside of you But this marriage was your new foundation This was a day of hope for you and I We now had both Justin and Soons To balance us and model “normal” for us Who could have known that you would die? And this family portrait would be torn apart You were the best gift to me Pete A son whom I could love with such passion And the universe brought in our knight in shining armour When they recognized that we both were falling and needed stability A man who loved all of us, even though you and I were high maintenance At our different phases of our “fall downs” and “get ups” What a mess you and I were at times Pete
How did we get so off track? We just seemed to trip over And bounce off each other Even with the purest Of intention And true heart Connection I reflect back Recognizing Fully acknowledging Our profound, palpable love for each other Everybody could see a mother and a son that truly connected So how did we end up accidently short circuiting each other? All the time I have never seen two people fight for survival Like you and I did We knew when the other was struggling We tried so hard to be there for each other And we got so scared during those phases When we were both struggling at the same time We always professed to each other verbally That somehow each other had to find a way out of the darkness Of depression, addiction, fear and lost hope Because we knew one would not survive the death of the other Or so we thought You died-I’m trying to survive-Our family is destroyed You found a way out of the darkness by going to the light
That was not part of the deal Pete‌this picture of hope was so promising!
Don’t Want to Remember I don’t really want to remember you like this Screaming tortured and lost……in bottles of pills But it hurts less, I think, Than remembering when you were happy here In your early years Before the “demons” struck And drove you to fear your own mind I remember you saying to me “Mom…my head is so messed up” As those tears filled your young adult eyes And dripped down your cheeks In those times leading up to your death When I raced against time Trying to find you help and hope Because I knew I was losing you At least this way I can rationalize That you aren’t in “pain” anymore I could never stand To see you hurting, vulnerable and scared Because I felt your pain and wanted so badly to fix it But nobody seemed to care enough to see past your addictions & behaviours Your true self and needs were denigrated due to bias & stigma
I miss you!
This is how much sense it all makes to me (at times) At times I think I have a handle on the maybe’s and why’s Of why you had to die and leave me behind But…. just when I think I am on the cusp of understanding And possibly excepting that I have to except it Because really what choice do I have? But I cave inside when I think of you in certain ways And the pain blinds me So all that my rational mind can see Is coded messages and empty answers that don’t make sense to me It takes a LOT of work It takes a LOT of faith It takes a lot Out of me And sometimes It just makes no sense to me what so ever Then a grief bubble blows up and bursts So that pure raw emotion and grief Rip at me Pick at my wounds Tear off the scabs Making the scars red, raw and aggravated My mind gets all bent and lost And I can’t decipher anything It kind of looks like this to me…
You try and make sense out of that, because I sure as hell can NOT Just another layer of confusion and mixed messages So I blink and try to focus but I can’t because I hurt and miss you so badly
I am split in two Fractured but still tied to myself I lay in fetal position
Torn between the polarities of wanting to survive your death and wanting to die and go with you And I am stuck Pete My heart seems to be outside of me And I feel both nothing and everything The pain in my heart And the level of grief
Has knocked me to the ground again And I can’t decide if I can’t get up Or if I just don’t want to get up
Even if I wanted to get up I have this other part of me that keeps pulling at me And we battle against each other like we are two separate beings STUCK together But I know it is the wounds, the loss and the grief manifesting a huge divide within me As I explore my part in the equation of your death The battle of the mother- “You failed your child”-“I LOVED my child”
I was your mother.....I think my issues set you up for yours (Guilty) And I could not find a way to help you no matter what I did (Guilty) BUT I tried so hard to be all that you could ever need in a mother
Somehow that does not seem to be enough and my wounded self keeps telling me that!
My Upside Down Kid
Y’know, I can’t quite remember But I am sure you came into this life upside down And somehow you stayed that way your whole life!! Until you died You are probably still upside down But now it doesn’t matter because you have wings And it is probably really cool to fly upside down Besides there is probably no gravity there Speaking physically and metaphorically No weight to bear at all So there is no consequence To being upside down Anymore How does someone live upside down for 25 years? Sometimes you were very happy being upside down Other times you were not at all happy That you were upside down all the time Imagine trying to mother a child That lived upside down You turned my whole world upside down When you died Now I live just the way you did And now I get that perspective you had I did not need to right you …I only needed to balance you
One of a Kind-(part one) You were quite strange As a child Such a clown Always entertaining Making funny faces Contorting your body Being so expressive And unique Kinda weird Very different
Kinda difficult to source What you needed from me
But you sure were easy to love And I wanted to protect you all the time I admit I was over protective of you But it was hard to protect you Because you were so unpredictable Hysterically funny and whacky But so darn hard for me to negotiate a balance that guided you Instead of me always fixing all those messes you managed to get into Because that was not helping you learn anything but over reliance on me You were both defiant and angry But also defeated, sad and lost Mixed with laughter and hope Most of the time you were all three This was so perplexing for me How do I make this kid happy? How to I keep this kid safe? How do I teach him responsibility? How do I get him to stop clowning around?
But somehow you made it to age 25 Then‌‌.
One of a Kind (part two) ….Then you died From child to young adult You never really changed All that much You got weirder Even funnier at times Forever playing roles
Then it exploded And the drama intensified Parts of you became more intense As the laughter and hope parts Gave way to defeat, anger and defiance And although you still played the clown And continued to be weird and whacky On the outside It was the disguise you wore to mask you ever increasing chaos And you got so lost Pete as you tried to find your way through self medicating This was so perplexing to me (again) I thought it was hard to negotiate what I, as a mother needed to provide For your safety and happiness when you were younger But then as a young adult it narrowed to only one dynamic Of fighting for your sanity against your addictions I was so defeated You were so defeated Problem was…we were so much alike in our issues Perfectly imperfect - Two peas in a very unusual pod But it cost you your life You deserved effective help and direction
I was handicapped and naïve-I couldn’t help you-I couldn’t find help for you- I’m so sorry!
Little Man This is my little man I used to call you that back then I have never loved as deeply as I loved you Or wanted to protect someone as much as you Pete I wanted to be the perfect mom for you But I did not know how I was damaged From childhood trauma Growing up with violent Alcoholic parents messed me up And I made so many unintended mistakes As I self medicated my pain So I could cope It is amazing What we inadvertently subject our kids to eh? What they let us get away with and still love us unconditionally And I returned that love to you as best I could Your love made me want to be the best mother in the world Even though I didn’t know how Your love made me want to become healthier
You were so deserving of that‌from me I naively felt love would be enough for us Wish I had more effective mothering skills for you Back in these earlier years ‌the foundation was broken And that set you up to fall
Your Tiny Sailor Suit
You were by far The most beautiful and happiest baby boy EVER You had a big head As you can tell by how much I can write on it Right now That is because it was stuffed with so much If only we could have extracted And used all of the gifts You had jam packed in there That big hard head Came in handy for you Because you were always Falling on your forehead Or cracking your skull Because you were So darn stubborn and daring Wanting to do it all yourself Even back then Back then it was cute because I was always right there with you (The constant over protective smothering mother) So the consequences Of your daring explorations And stubbornness could be controlled With very little negative impact to you Sadly, that changed, as you took the same approach later in life Your exploring lost its joy as that big hard head of yours filled with distortions Your head was imploding from the inside as your daring turned to running Your playful stubbornness fractured and fueled a self destructive tendency This morphed into a painful set of dynamics and consequences That ate you away from the inside out as those beautiful eyes filled with tears and fear I couldn’t always be there to stop you And even if I was I was powerless to re-direct you anymore How did things turn for us Pete? I can’t believe you died and I was powerless to prevent this from happening
Scattering Your Ashes This is grief So real it is palpable Here you are Your ashes Painting my hands The grief of your death Burns me like cinders Ashes from the love We share That will stick to me Forever A child lost to drug overdose And the battles of his mind I release you Into the wind Finally free
As you can see from this picture I am in agony here In many ways Many times I am still in agony Pete
No mother should have to do this!
Whose image is this? Is this you? In your days of living in a fog Of drugs, booze and battling with your mind Or is this me? In my days of trying to live with your death And struggling to find some sense to it all Or are we interchangeable now? As I find a way to negotiate the cosmic realms to find myself In you And we breakthrough to find each other Halfway between the worlds So you can assure me that you are okay now And that the sun is now shining on you and you have your joy back
We took your ashes to Hawaii And scattered you in a sacred place That would lift you and allow your wings to give you flight To a freedom you could not attain down here We both sprouted wings I think you always had yours but they were stuck in your human body And that was like a knife poking in your back and added to your burdens Because you could not fly down here My wings came when I lost you And became a mother to an angel Who had to die to find his wings!! When you first died My wings hurt me.....BADLY I could not see the purpose in my wings I did not know how to use them but at least they kept me from falling down .......till I figured it all out My wings came as the result of a broken heart.....Just like you.....But I didn’t die in the same way you did But now I use my wings to meet you half way
I guess someone was looking out for us after all
How long do I write about you? How do I know when it is time to stop writing? This journey of grief expression I know how you struggled with life Pete And I am fully aware of my struggle with your death But has the time finally come for me to truly recognize That I would never want you to continue to carry that burden That weighted you down Like an anchor With chains Just to save me the pain of losing you That would be so selfish of me to hold you back A big part of you left a long time ago when you lost your joy Because every time I think of those last conversations When you cried as tears rolled down your face And you told me how messed up your head was I would cry too For your sadness, pain & confusion With your life path down here My broken beaten male angel child Down here where your wings were clipped You were stuck in a cage that confined you I do understand that It was so obvious to me that you were not going to make it So maybe now that I’ve done the full circle Of exploring both your pain and mine At all stages of our lives & relationships with each other It is time to be honest and acknowledge That we are both where we are supposed to be Doing what we are supposed to be doing Just send me your smile and your love I’ll do this Pete For both of us
But don’t stray too far-okay?
Time Warp In between the worlds In a time warp Of sorts I find you And my mind settles My heart heals I sense peace I sense hope Because I sense you
And I unequivocally KNOW you live on and thrive out there in the cosmos Your joy and peace radiate out to me like a beacon of light and warmth That surrounds me in a blanket of security and I don’t feel so fragile & broken It is almost like a sense of recognizing that we had to separate So our souls did not shrivel up and die trying to sustain you From the weight you carried here And in that moment of mind fusion with you I understand why you had to leave and somehow it all seems to make sense
You are the one My crazy beautiful son You will always be the one That Motivates me To be All that I can be In memory And in Honour of you Thank you for always loving me As much as I love you The places you have taken me Since you died The things that I have learned from you
Incalculable My shining star My brightest light My deepest pain My worst tragedy Losing you As you always did in life And continue to do in death You inspire me You invoke me You still drive me crazy You still bring me all the polarities of experiences You are my Master Teacher
Where does our journey take us now my son?
As we try To find Clarity And purpose In our journey I can’t believe I lost you To Opioid Pain medication
You… My greatest Teacher My most profound love-heart-soul connection
I guess you have become The “new face” of addiction How very sad for all of us
It is important to me That you know I am okay My heart got ripped out When my son Pete died But I have worked hard to heal Now we work together to help others Our path
Pete “survived� his death & we still journey together
“Little Books of Big Pain” Series By Betty-Lou Kristy are uniquely artistic depictions of lived experience journeys of a mother (Betty-Lou) and her late son (Pete) that utilize picture and soulful prose narratives that invites the reader into a depth of emotional engagement not possible to articulate in spoken word. Each is a brutally honest and intensely real testament of polarizing, yet juxtaposed, explorations into darkness and light. The reader will recognize the astounding ability of the human spirit to rise from the ashes, find peace in the chaos, new strengths from the horrors and the true gifts of enlightenment that can be realized. Living Bereaved- A Mother’s Journey: Captivating reflection & dialogue takes the reader through many stages of Betty-Lou’s grieving and profound devastation after the death of her son Pete but also allows the reader to be a part of the latter stages of the grief process when Betty-Lou was able to attain integration, resolution and spiritual enlightenment. The ability for a mother and child, regardless of physical death, to let their love-soul connection lead them is staggering and profound. This expression of vulnerability and dedication is not intended just for those dealing directly with bereavement issues but also for others trying to help and/or understand the intense pain of losing a child. (File Size: 4 MB) Mutations of the Mind- A Child Lost To Prescription Pain Opioid Medication & Mental Health: Searing dynamics of a child lost (Pete) to Oxycontin overdose and a mother (Betty-Lou) already living in recovery from her own mental health and addiction issues trying to hold on without relapsing. Step inside juxtaposing life paths as mother and son were trapped in the generational cycle unable to source help or hope....and that cost Pete his life. The reader (those living this or others trying to help/understand) is privy to reality, honesty and vulnerability throughout this delineation and gifted with awareness, insight and hope even within the tragic reality. (File Size: 4.1 MB) Glass in My Sandbox- Inside the Mind of Childhood Trauma:” For the abused child and the broken inner child.” Betty-Lou journeys into her traumatic childhood being the child of dysfunctional alcoholic parents and a mother that acted out in brutal violence and rage when she drank. Viewed through the eyes & emotions of that wounded child allows the reader (survivors or someone who is trying to help/understand) to gauge what exploded inside and clearly portrays how trauma affects children. There is fear, terror, loneliness, isolation and darkness visited.... but it is wrapped in outcomes of light, hope and recovery. Betty-Lou has very carefully crafted a safety net being cognizant of balancing what is disclosed to avoid re-triggering trauma for the reader. (File Size: 4.3 MB) Being provided free of charge
In collaboration with www.eBookGuides4Life.com, an eco-friendly trusted ePublisher and a convenient, cost effective eBook Store where you can buy quality eBook guides for life's experiences, my lived experience picture & soulful prose narratives are available for download free of charge at www.LittleBooksOfBigPain.com This site has my bio, CAMH Transforming Lives Award video and a memorial video of my late son Pete. If you would prefer to have me e-mail you the e-books directly then feel free to contact me at betty_pdb@msn.com I am using this page in all three e-books, to guide readers to the other titles in this series to date. The cover pages and peer/community agency reviews of the other e-books in this series follow next.
Living Bereaved –A Mother’s Journey Book One from “My Little Books of Big Pain Series” By: Betty-Lou Kristy
A soulful dialogue Of integration And exploration
A journey Of grief expression With my late son
Picture Prose & Musings From A Mother Original Copyright 2011© by Betty-Lou Kristy; Revised 2nd edition 2012- Copyright 2012© by Betty-Lou Kristy. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be retransmitted, copied, or duplicated in any way without the expressed permission of the author.
Reviews: Living bereaved-A Mother’s Journey
“In this courageous disclosure of her experience, Betty-Lou Kristy gives voice to the intense emotions that rise in the awakening to the death of one’s child. She powerfully guides the reader through her journey with her son, Pete, and provides insight into the enduring cycles of pain, hope, re-learning and integration that illustrate a parent’s grief. She reminds us that it is the depth of devotion to our children that crushes us in moments of desperate longing, and our children’s reciprocal love that encourages forward movement in their absence.” JA (Judy) Jonusas, Bereaved mother of Chandler Mangold; Griefscapes Founder; Business & Transition Coach
“A powerful, relentlessly honest and intense exploration of a bereaved mother's love for her son and her courageous determination to make sense of this most heart wrenching, brutal life experience: Betty-Lou draws deeply on her innermost creative, spiritual resources in re-membering Pete and the many facets of their relationship. In mastering a new way of living both without him and with him, forever in her heart, she allows us to discover with her, the light beneath the dark.” Charlene Winger-Manager, North Halton Mental Health Clinic
"Betty-Lou has done a wonderful job sharing her personal story of tragedy and triumph. She never gives up the HOPE of eventually healing and experiencing continued growth while continuing to face on-going grief, adversity and challenge. She shows us the way...this story is meant for her growth and for our growth. Faith and hope guide Betty-Lou through the tragic death of her son. She has shown tenacity and endurance in surviving one of the worst nightmares one ever has to weather, the loss of a dear child, especially an only child. This story is meant for our growth so we can expand our higher selves to reach even higher and to guide others along the journey of life, which is often almost unbearable for some. She is an example of someone who has come to terms with what happened with hope, growth and understanding.” Karen Zizzo-Author; Inspirational Speaker; Life Coach
“As a bereaved mother myself, I have felt these intense feelings but could never interpret them through verse or a creative medium. Betty-Lou allows us to feel her pain, and intense raw emotion throughout her continuous journey after the loss of her son… her life. Thank you for allowing others to share in your insight into the depths of grief, and how this tribute to your son encourages a life of moving forward.” Lisa Alexander -Bereaved Parent; Director of Community Engagement, Bereaved Families of Ontario-Halton/Peel
“A very personal, raw and revealing expression of love; Thank you Betty-Lou for sharing what so many feel, but can not express.” Madeleine Buhlau – Bereaved mother to Thayer Buhlau; Executive Director Bereaved Families of Ontario – Halton/Peel
Glass in My Sandbox Third Manuscript from My “Little Books of Big Pain” Series By: Betty-Lou Kristy
Giving voice To a time in my life When I did not have one
An opportunity for Reflection Healing Awareness Picture Prose & Musings Copyright 2012© by Betty-Lou Kristy- All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be retransmitted, copied, or duplicated in any way without the expressed permission of the author.
Reviews: ‘Glass in My Sandbox’ (Inside the Mind of Childhood Trauma) “As someone who works with families from pre-birth through adolescence to adulthood, I know the importance of healthy child and youth development and the impact that positive parenting has on who that child becomes. Glass in My Sandbox shows in spades the trauma Betty-Lou experienced as a child and her inner voice showed me how all that trauma translated into the many issues that young people face as a result of their early years experiences. We need to find better ways to help parents see the impact they are having on their children and to seek help for their families - for the sake of that little girl in the bathroom, curled in a ball on the floor. I’ll never forget your story. Thanks for the gift you have given me Betty-Lou” Joyce See, Director, Community Health Services, Halton Region Health Department
"Glass in My Sandbox folds the reader over in the layers of darkness so thoroughly that there is a blinding pain in the brightness that comes at its end. Just as the childhood and early adult life of author Betty-Lou Kristy was haunted by trauma, so I found myself haunted by the feelings her work evoked from me through masterful use of powerful prose and imagery. One does not simply "read" Glass in My Sandbox but rather is given a naked glimpse into one woman's tragic past, viewed through the lens of lost innocence. An experience that is impossible to forget." Deborah Gatenby, President of Addictions Ontario; trauma survivor and recovering opiate addict
“It isn’t easy to vocalize the experiences of a darkened childhood. Betty-Lou was spot on. She was able to articulate feelings I felt/feel that I was unable to label so I put them away on dusty old shelves. Glass in My Sandbox helped me realize how young I was when I wanted to die. In reading this, I feel some torn threads mending, helping me to understand and heal. The illustrations do a wonderful job of capturing emotions that cannot be expressed. Her powerful, yet gentle, spoken honesty somehow lessen the lingering shame. The insight this writing provides will leave the reader a little more healed or more understanding of a loved one’s past. Keep nurturing that nine-year old little girl. She is such a brave soul. She is pure love.” S.Law - Survivor childhood trauma
“Betty Lou combines raw beauty, frank honesty and inspiring soul-searching to achieve something rarely seen in literature today; a testament of love and pain, with epic memories and reflections that will surely take the reader on a soulful and melancholy journey through the heart of a courageous survivor…Ms. Kristy has crafted a work of hope, hope that we can all strive to overcome the odds that this incredible artist has. Read, and enjoy, Glass in My Sandbox. It may change your life!” Sean LeBlanc, D.U.A.L. Chairperson, Ottawa Inner City Health Consultant
“How does one search for the pieces of themselves? Glass in my Sandbox is a creative and poignant lived experience of hope that embodies pain, courage, reflection and forgiveness. Betty-Lou takes the reader on a journey through the shadows and tornado of her childhood to the light, hope and inspiration of her adulthood. Betty-Lou uses her childhood trauma as an opportunity for transformation and the journey to being whole. A beautiful read of vitality, strength and resilience.” Danielle Pomeroy, Social Worker MSW, RSW
“Glass in My Sandbox is sure to heal the hearts and souls of so many. It is an example of transparency for the sake of both ourselves and others. Betty-Lou is a warrior of truth, authenticity and integrity in her quest to heal herself and hopes to empower others to break the cycle of abuse and addiction." Michelle LeRoy; Holistic Youth Life Coach- “Healing our Youth from the inside out so they can shine their light on our world"
“Glass in My Sandbox is riveting, intense and brutally honest” C.Z. – Physical/Emotional/Sexual Trauma Survivor and Recovering Opiate Addict
“I enjoy reading and re-reading Glass in My Sandbox as I seem to take away something different each time I read it. I feel tears forming in my eyes. Maybe deep inside I hope the tears will flow. The visuals help me to see what I feel. I just gave Glass in My Sandbox to my boyfriend. I wanted him to read it so he could see (yup, see) the feelings that I experienced. I don't really talk much about it and he gets stuck on the incidences and gets so mad. This book can take him past the details of the abuse to the feelings associated with the abuse. I don't think he (or many non-abused) understands that it wasn't the pain of the violence as much as the fright and how it made me feel. It is hard to relay the imprint it leaves in a woman. Your book does it so very precisely. I hope he understands healing doesn't mean gone; that the love for the abuser can still be there when it is a parent; my intolerance of violence now; my inability to fall asleep. Your book has done so much for me.” Susan –Childhood trauma, incest, physical, emotional abuse survivor; in recovery addictions & mental health
“Betty Lou’s Glass in My Sandbox should be read by everyone, not just victims and survivors. The book provides insight of the trauma and the crippling effect that abuse has on children and their growth. My girlfriend lived through similar experiences - the beatings, the abuse, the trauma. Though she rarely talks about it you, you could tell how damaging it was. Not until I read Glass in My Sandbox did I somewhat understand the pain that these children must have felt, the helplessness that no one would save them. Imagine that. The simple lesson that I learned is if you’re a victim of abuse, don’t be ashamed. It’s not your fault. Please talk to someone, and if they don’t believe you, tell somebody else. If you are the abuser (whether intentionally or unintentionally), please stop and get some help because every day that the pain continues, you are slowly killing their spirit.” JS- Live in partner of someone who has been abused as a child
“Parents are supposed to protect, nurture and develop children to their full potential. Not traumatize, break their spirit and allow them to live in fear. To live in a house where you were always waiting for the next abusive fight to take place, fear for everyone’s safety and pray for it to stop was terrifying. We never spoke about it and there was nothing we could do to stop it and nobody knew. For Betty-Lou to have the ability to articulate and communicate the trauma that was endured during our childhood proves that there is a promise of hope for others. I know the journey that Betty-Lou has travelled because I am her twin sister” Debby-Lou