Beutiful Magazine - The Celebrate Issue / Fall 2018 by Beutiful, LLC

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CELEBRATE // FALL 2018 Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

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hello darlings!

I hope you are preparing to have wonderful holidays! You may have noticed that our magazines were a little less frequent this year,

and that’s because I’m completing my final year of grad school! I’m getting my Master’s Degree in Social Work (and studying to get

licensed!) so I can empower women more completely and use my skills to truly give back.

I’ve also been taking a step back to think about what else I could

offer you that would really make a difference in your life. That’s why I’m working on body confidence lessons that will be available early

2019! I’ll be focusing on confidence tricks, banishing bad body image habits, increasing self esteem, and leveraging personal growth so

you can get the most out of your life and stop holding yourself back! If you’d be interested in that and would like to receive notification of when the lessons are open, sign up for the mailing list here!

Enjoy this magazine, dolls! We have some amazing artists and girl power in here! Happy Holidays!

Questions / Comments? Feel free to email me at info@beutifulmagazine.com! P.S. The images in this issue are not our own unless specified.

Our cover image is by artist and photographer Troy Cooper, check out his work and our interview with him on page 8!

meet our team!

PATRICIA

AMY

KATE

MARTINA

Editor of Beutiful, Patricia Colli is a writer with a BA in Graphic Design. Currently pursuing her MSW in Philadelphia. Graduated UVic majoring in Theatre - a singer, songwriter and musician based in Toronto. She is also a volunteer youth worker at a local shelter. Kate has a BA in Sociology & Social Policy. Alongside her work with NPOs, Kate currently operates a Marketing/Branding studio on the west coast of Canada. Martina is an artist and student at Salisbury University. She is passionate about sending a body positive message.

LAUREN

JAMILA

SOPHIE

Resides on Long Island, NY. Bachelor degree in Graphic Design. Loves being a part of the Beutiful movement. Jamila Choyce is a print and runway plus size model, actress, talk show hostess, journalist and creator of Jamila Jay’s Plus Size Revolution. Sophie Reymond is a writer and an advocate for body-positivity, self-love, and health. You can check out her work on Instagram, @AbsoluteSelfLove.

MEFTIHE

ERIN

JACKIE

From Melbourne, Australia. BA in Social Sciences, Policy and Research. Passionate about social education and helping to create a media literate world. Erin Miller is a writer living in New York City and she is passionate about feminism, body acceptance and social issues.

Jackie Bluzer is a writer, illustrator and poet. She has also been an editor for online magazines and has illustrated books for publication.

We’re looking for contributors! Send a message

to patti@beutifulmagazine.com if you’re interested in joining our team!

Photo Credit: Skorch Magazine

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Over the years, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve launched several bodypositive, self esteem campaigns for both men and women. With the launch of our new website, we are proudly sharing the stories of our biggest supporters - you guys! Visit our website or use the hashtag #GoBeUtiful to keep up with our latest body-positive movements, or get involved by submitting your own story and picture!

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Photo Credit: Lane Bryant

what’s inside... 08 22 30 36 44 46

Behind The Lens: Celebrating Women An interview with photographer Troy Cooper

Treat Yourself By Lauren Jesus

Learning To Love Who I Am An interview with feminist artist Lori

I Am Just Myself, Jai Michelle

By Jai Michelle, submitted by Jamila Choyce

Why I Did Not Tell

By Keesha “Wanda” Jackson, submitted by Jamila Choyce

Catharsis: Love + Food By Jackie Bluzer

BEHIND THE LENS:

CELEBRATING WOMEN An interview with photographer and artist Troy Cooper You may remember Troy Cooper (Midnight Salad) and his beautiful photographs of plus size women from our last magazine, but this time we’re honored to get a broader view of Troy’s work. He’s a photographer who believes deeply in celebrating diversity and embracing our unique qualities, and his words are sure to inspire you! Tell us about yourself! My name is Troy Cooper. I was born in Maryland but raised in North Carolina and Virginia. I’ve been married for three years to my lovely wife, Tracy. I’ve been a graphic designer and illustrator for 18+ years, using my photography skills only marginally in my professional work. But for the past ten years, I have been really pursuing my art photography, which is largely self-taught, as a way to alleviate the issues of body shaming and poor self image that I saw developing in women all around me. I am also a huge fan of film, pop culture, retro gaming and a major foodie. Ultimately, I see myself spending my triumphant golden years at sea with my wife, traveling to exotic locales and snapping photos of interesting people all along the way. What drew you to photography? I always feel like if most people could see themselves the way artists like myself see them, this would be a much more positive and constructive world. I meet so many women who’ve never liked to have their photo taken. Their excuse is almost always that they didn’t look like this or didn’t look like that, constantly judging themselves. It is always so frustrating. But getting these women to step in front of my camera and see themselves as they truly are is what drew me to really explore my art photography further. The experiences I’ve had from pursuing art photography have been priceless. I’m a fan of the Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

Behind The Lens: Celebrating Women, cont’d

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

true story to be told about each person. I don’t care for altering or changing someone’s image. The real beauty is in our true selves. Capturing those true images is what drew me to photography. A big bulk of your work is focused around women and celebrating the female form. What inspires you the most about this? I’ve always been intrigued by all the ways the female form varies and still comes together to make such a appealing presentation. Full-figured, slim, stout, tall, and everything in between, every female figure is so fascinating and artistic to me. So I like working with all types of women to explore the entire spectrum the female body takes. Discovering that full spectrum in my art photography is what inspires me the most. When photographing a woman, what do you aim to capture? When I ask a woman to work with me, my aim is to present to them the beautiful spirit I see when I look at them.

How do you go about selecting models for your work? I’m a people person. I reach out to women on social media and in person. If I see a woman I would like to work with, I’m direct and professional when approaching them. My selection process is largely based on the way the woman carries herself. If she interests me, I’ll suggest a shoot. I simply present myself honestly and give them the opportunity to think about it and ask questions. Oftentimes, it takes them some time to consider doing art photography. So actually, I believe it is the women who choose me in the end. I’d like to think they acknowledge my sincerity and genuine interest in creating art with them. And I feel confident and happy to say that each woman I’ve ever worked with came out of the experience feeling better about themselves and so happy that they took that leap. I’m very proud of that.

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Oftentimes, I reach out to women who hate having their photo taken. I’ll convince them to do one shoot with me to see what they really look like. Almost every time, I get to witness women falling in love with themselves. Every curve or perceived imperfection they’ve ever took issue with presented to them plain and simple. And they realize how they are is more than just fine, it’s beautiful. The beauty that’s always been there is what I try to capture each time.

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

Behind The Lens: Celebrating Women, cont’d

What have you observed as far as how women perceive themselves vs. how they actually appear on camera? Growing up in a family consisting largely of women, I learned from an early age how women seem naturally conditioned - be it through the media and/ or social interaction - to criticize rather than celebrate themselves. I feel like the first thing a woman does when she looks at herself in the mirror each morning is find something wrong with her appearance. This behavior leads to a poor self image. And I simply can’t understand why this is. So, in my art photography, I try my hardest to present each participant with the person they should see every morning, one that is worthy of celebration. And I truly hope my work behind the camera will combat issues of body shaming, poor self image and encourage more positive perceptions of the spectrum of the female form.

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

What are the challenges of doing nude photography? It should go without saying there is a stigma surrounding nude photography. All too often, people get the wrong impression of your intentions, especially being a male photographer. I don’t know if female photographers experience the same obstacle of initial distrust and prejudice but it is a huge one for male photographers. But with each passing shoot and the kind and positive testimonies of women who work with me, the challenge of getting women to be a part of the artistic process gets easier. Of course, the bigger challenge is getting women who’ve experienced so many years of self doubt and, in all too many cases, body shaming by strangers and so-called loved ones to own themselves and be celebrated in nude art photography. I work hard to try to reverse that negativity so many women have been subjected to in such a superficial world.

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

Behind The Lens: Celebrating Women, contâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

What kinds of techniques do you use to help your models feel more comfortable during a shoot? I consider myself a very fun guy. What I think makes most of my participants comfortable is my sense of humor and lightheartedness. I try really hard to let them know I want to celebrate them. And celebration is meant to be a joyous thing, not something filled with tension, anxiety or regret. Getting a genuine smile or laugh from someone in a shoot is always my goal because it is a gateway to getting to the real person. Laughter goes a long way in loosening people up. My wife calls me a teddy bear because I’m just a big old, furry mass of joy. And I think that comes through in my shoots. I suggest that all photographers remain professional but not to be too serious while they are working, especially with people new to having their photos taken. It can be so off-putting. Treat art photography as the joyous, positive experience it is meant to be. Do you have a favorite photoshoot you’ve done with someone? The first shoot for my Body Stories has to rank as my favorite shoot for a number of reasons. When I set out to do the project, the first person I envisioned participating is my dear friend Rida, a belly dancer in her 50s. Watching her dance for the first time at a Mediterranean cafe inspired me so deeply I just had to pick up my camera and begin what I call my photojourney. At the time, I didn’t know if she’d be open to a nude art project. To my delight, she was very enthusiastic about working with me on this. So we picked an early morning in the makeshift dance studio she’d made of her living room, with beautiful hardwood floors and gorgeous morning sunlight flowing through the windows. She danced nude with just a red sash. And I photographed her motions with my 50mm lens. The images from that photoshoot still make me emotional. Watching a master of her craft dance with such joy and life and passion filled me with artistic energy. After the shoot, Rida thanked me for doing the shoot. She said it made her feel “seen” for the first time in a long time. She went on to say that women her in age group seem to be overlooked in certain aspects of life. Being seen as a muse at her age must not have seemed possible. But the way her body moves is truly an inspiration. That’s when I knew I had to pursue the Body Stories project with all the verve and commitment I could muster until I am satisfied with its conclusion. That will always be a very special shoot to me. Photo Garcia Photo Credit: Credit: Gerry Troy Cooper

Behind The Lens: Celebrating Women, cont’d

Tell us about your Bodies Stories - 40+ Up Book. Body Stories began for me as something of a tribute to my mother. She passed away in 2009 at the age of 57. She was born with one leg longer than the other and had multiple surgeries throughout her life. Yet, she still found the time to raise four children on her own and instill in me my love for art, adventure, and food, simply by how she lived her life. I feel like she was my biggest fan. She never really got to see much of my nude art photography come to fruition but her best to advice to me as a kid living in a rural, pretty conservative area still rings in my ear, “Son, if you can’t be good, be good at it.” I take that advice with me into everything I do and I took it to mean be committed to what you love doing even if there are those who perceive it negatively. I don’t expect everyone to see my nude art photography in the positive light in which it is intended but I will continue because I know what a positive effect it has on those who do take this photojourney with me. Being a nudist myself, I was on a day visit to a nudist community and received further inspiration to work on this project.

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

I was sitting by the pool surrounded by all these joyful nude people, enjoying the sun and observing the large number of women over age 40. They were all so diverse and truly seeming like they were accepting of the journey their body was taking. There was something almost regal about watching these proud nude women showing themselves to everyone in sight of them, so naturally and without judgment. They seemed to own themselves.

And it made me wonder how they got to the point they were in life. That they could show off their bodies so freely and confidently when so many people I’ve met in my life seemed to do nothing but criticize their own bodies and the bodies of others, instead of enjoying the magnificent vehicles we are all given to go through life in, really got me going to create my Body Stories project. I wanted to know more about the way women over the age of 40 came to perceive themselves. What have their bodies gone through? What influenced the choices they made that affected their bodies? Marriage. Pregnancy. Depression. Divorce. Abuse. Violence. Joy. Achievement. Homelessness. It has all been so educational for me and I hope to get more women from different walks of life to participate in this piece to give it more impact. I must continue it for as long as it takes. As for the shoots themselves, I ask each participant to choose her location. I want each woman to choose a place they feel defines who they are or where they feel most comfortable as a person. I work with natural light as much as possible in these shoots, portraying the participants in the healthiest, purest way possible. I also interview each participant asking things like what would they tell their 20-year-old self with all the new wisdom they’ve acquired over the years. It’s all very lighthearted and honest.

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

Each woman is a different chapter in the piece and I look forward to expanding on it as much as possible. Ultimately, I hope the finished piece will serve as an art piece and a celebration of what it means to be a woman in modern society. Because what each woman goes through on this journey of life is cause for celebration. What frustrates you about how women are photographed and portrayed in magazines, social media, etc.? When I initially submitted a portion of my Body Stories piece to another photographer, he suggested my work needed more normalizing. Prior to this interaction with him, I’d perceived what he was talking about as diversity. But I found the term “normalizing” to be a much more accurate term for what needs to happen in the portrayal of women in magazines and social media. Normalizing suggests to me an honest portrayal Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

Behind The Lens: Celebrating Women, cont’d

of the world we live in. People come in all shapes, sizes, races, and motivations. But whenever you look at media, all you see is one particular type of human being. We are so much more than what we see in our media. That frustrates me. I am happy to see it gradually changing and people starting to embrace their own brand of beauty. Hopefully popular culture and media will continue to grow in that direction. What advice could you give women in learning to be comfortable and accept their bodies? As a man, I wish I knew the best advice to give women to be more comfortable with themselves. Accepting who you are is so important to the quality of the life you have.

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

I’ve met so many women who didn’t become what they most wanted to be, largely due to a poor self image, up to and including my own mother. How a person feels about how they see themselves can go a long way in terms of achieving one’s goals.

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So best my attempt at advice for women is to remember that no one else in this whole world looks, acts or thinks exactly like you. That makes you unique. And everything that is unique is worthy of celebration.

Troy Cooper is an art photographer and graphic designer from Virginia. His goal as an artist is to celebrate the full spectrum of the human form through photography, illustration and multimedia.

You can view more of his work at midnightsalad.com, Facebook, or on Instagram @midnightsalad. Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

Photo Credit: Troy Cooper

TREAT YOURSELF

By Lauren Jesus, Beutiful

“There is never enough time” - this is something just about everyone is guilty of saying. There isn’t enough time to be spent with friends, family, and most importantly on ourselves. We get caught up in the things that aren’t fulfilling our lives. Instead of keeping ourselves happy, we focus so much on getting ahead at work or feeling stuck in our mundane routines. Life just becomes a repeat, like groundhog day. If you have started to realize that your days are blending together, it’s time to take your life back and make the most of it. Self care is one of the most important things you can do for your physical and mental health. Stress affects every part of your body, increasing your chances of developing gastrointestinal issues and mental health problems like anxiety and depression. It’s easy to ignore the weight of stress and believe that you have to be able to manage everything that is thrown at you, but in reality that isn’t the case. It is perfectly fine to ask for help and there is nothing wrong with saying no when your plate is already full. Life isn’t meant to be a race. At the end of it all you don’t want to be filled with a feeling of regret or

Photo Credit: Timothy Dykes

that time had just gotten away from you. You are supposed to feel like you made the most of it all. So how do you take care of you? Well it’s a lot easier than you think. Make time for things that you enjoy or find out what you enjoy. Say no to that extra shift at work or to that one person that always relies on you to do things for them. Make time for yourself. Start small with a thirty day challenge where each day you do one thing for yourself. Simple things like taking a bath, meditation, or finally reading that book that you’ve always wanted to are great ways to start taking care of yourself and from there you can expand your well being. Finding inner confidence and creating positive self-esteem are great ways to maintain a self care regimen. Once you begin to think positively about

Photo Credit: Graham Hunt

Treat Yourself, cont’d

yourself, you will have an easier time expressing your self worth to others. Besides boosting your confidence, you will also find that saying no won’t make you feel guilty because understanding the importance of self care doesn’t make you selfish. An easy way to build confidence is to think positively and compliment yourself. Be proud of the accomplishments you make whether it’s trying a new recipe and nailing it or learning a new skill. Forgive your mistakes because that is part of being human and understand that perfection is a state of mind. Know your worth as a person and know that you are good enough. Self confidence and self-esteem aren’t achieved overnight, they are things that take time. Building confidence is a journey you take in finding yourself and appreciating who you are as a person. Work is a huge deterrent from self care. While it is understandable that you have to work to provide for yourself, work shouldn’t interfere with self care and when it does, that signals an imbalance in your life. Being a workaholic is a common occurrence for many people. The fear of not making enough money or trying to impress the boss so that you can get a promotion are huge motivators for people. The common misbelief is that being a workaholic is a good thing, when in reality you are increasing your chance of exhaustion, stress, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and heart disease.

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You shouldn’t live in a constant state of discomfort to make those around you happy. Instead focus on setting boundaries in the workplace, say no to that extra assignment or picking up someone else’s shift, don’t take on more than you can knowingly handle, and take breaks.

Letting your mind decompress from a busy work day is a great way to stay motivated and stress free. A ten minute walk or a phone call with someone close to you can make a huge change in your state of mind.

Another big step in self care is taking care of yourself physically. That means eating right, getting enough sleep, proper hygiene, and maintaining a healthy body. Taking care of yourself physically will change your mood almost instantly. While it will seem hard at first making time for exercise, whether it’s at a gym or doing yoga at home, it will make a huge difference in how you will feel about yourself. Eating right is another thing people have a difficult time with, getting take out or consuming junk food is always a much easier choice. However, when you put the effort into making a meal or eating a healthier snack you will feel better about yourself. Start small by improving your diet, increase the portion of vegetables in your meals, drink more water, or start meal prepping. You will find that these small steps will help to boost your confidence, because you are taking care of your body. Another way to practice self care is by taking fifteen to ninety minute naps. This will help to improve your memory and brain functions while leaving you refreshed. An essential self care habit is stress management. High levels of stress can lead to anxiety, depression, elevated heart rate, and high blood pressure. Finding ways to maintain stress levels is the key improving your mental and physical health. Simple things like ten minutes of meditation or reaching out to loved ones are great ways to relieve stress. Find things that you enjoy and do them when you feel overwhelmed. See a therapist who can help you to deal with the stresses in your life. Everyday stress is something everyone deals with and some stressors cannot be removed. Instead, you have to learn ways of dealing with them. Morning traffic stressing you out? Make a playlist of your favorite songs to boost your mood. Self care isn’t just a short term goal you should set for yourself, it’s a lifestyle change. It isn’t selfish to take time for yourself. Taking small steps to improve your mental and physical well being are beneficial for a long and happy life. Whether you find relaxation in exercise or art, taking the time for yourself is important. Set goals for yourself, learn new skills or hobbies, and challenge your mind to think of life as more of a journey rather than a race you must finish. Because at the end of it all, you don’t want to be regretting what you didn’t have time for.

Lauren Jesus lives on Long Island, New York. She graduated from The Art Institute of Pittsburgh with a BA in Graphic Design. Part of the Beutiful team, Lauren also creates artwork and freelances. You can see her work at www.laurenjohnsondesigns.com! You can also read more about Lauren here!

Photo Credit: Raw Pixel

#ThisBody One of the most disgusting, harmful myths in our society is the

misconception that thin equals healthy and that larger bodies cannot

be. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been so much science to disprove this, yet marketers just continue to perpetuate lies. Until now.

Plus-size clothing brand Lane Bryant is changing the game by

releasing an athletic ad campaign that promotes body confidence,

and shows that healthy bodies can come in ANY size. With the release of its line LIVI Active, Lane Bryant is showing that you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to be thin to be an athlete or let your size limit what you can accomplish. Here, choreographer Jessie Diaz, triathlete Krista Henderson and

Yogi Jessamyn Stanley show that bodies of all sizes are capable of

accomplishing amazing things and that any body can be healthy and strong.

Krista Henderson is an award-winning triathlete and speaker who works to inspire others to â&#x20AC;&#x153;train like athletes.â&#x20AC;? Photo Credit: Lane Bryant

Jessie Diaz is a choreographer, dance guru, and fitness advocate and the founder of Curves With Moves. Photo Credit: Lane Bryant

Jessamyn Stanley is a yoga teacher, body positivity advocate, and writer based in North Carolina.

Photo Credit: Lane Bryant

LEARNING TO LOVE WHO I AM

An interview with feminist artist Lori

Lori is a retired writer and graphic artist living in Seattle who donates her time to feminist and civil rights causes. She has been a supporter of Beutiful for years, and she has shared tons of wisdom with our community over that time. It was finally time to share her story, and we are so honored to include it in this issue. Tell us about yourself! I come from a pretty unusual background. My father was a Danish immigrant from Copenhagen and the vice president of an international shipping company. My mother was a Southern debutante from Birmingham, Alabama. They met and got married while they were both living in Tokyo, where they later had my older brother. They bounced around the world living in various places until I was born in Hong Kong in 1977, and I gained my earliest memories while living in Vancouver, Canada. We moved for the final time of my life to Seattle, WA when I was 5 years old. I was a quiet, nerdy, weird, dorky, awkward, bookish tomboy. I was often told I wouldn’t like something because it was “for boys.” I was introverted and quiet, enjoying drawing, reading, watching TV, video games, and I absolutely loved science, especially natural sciences with animals and plants. My family life was turbulent and confusing growing up. My parents were deeply devoted to their children and unquestionably loved us. We never lacked for the basics and they made certain that we grew up highly educated and worldly, and some of my happiest memories of my family involves being able to bond over being a family of nerds bonding over art, music, history, language, and culture together. But threads of mental illness run deep on both sides. Dad was born during the German occupation of Denmark of WWII, and was nearly shot by a Nazi when he was just 5 years old. He was never formally diagnosed, but I’m certain he was suffering from

PTSD from being born into war. My mother suffered from severe depression and was an alcoholic for the entirety of my life. Both of them had problems with drug and alcohol abuse. They could both be heavy handed with us when they had too much to drink. My parents divorced when I was 11 and it was one of the most devastating events of my life. My father’s job required him to move a lot, and my mother and us kids had reached a point that we just could not manage that lifestyle any longer and needed to set down some roots. We stayed in Seattle while my father would continue moving around the world, and I was only able to see him for a week yearly. As an adult I worked and put myself through college three times. The first time for my AA, the second time to learn computer repair, and the third time to learn medical transcription. I’ve had multiple careers over the years due to economic and political turbulence and my industries over the years either dried up or were sent overseas. I’ve worked in agriculture, technology, medical research, court and medical transcription, and graphic arts and freelance writing to keep my bills paid. I was forced to medically retire and go on disability in 2012 after I slipped on black ice going out to walk my dog and suffered a brain injury after I hit my head in the parking lot of my apartment building. These days I spend my time keeping myself busy with raising a few backyard chickens, honeybees,

Photo Credit: Priscilla DuPreeze

Learning To Love Who I Am, cont’d

What has your relationship with your body been like throughout your life? I started having problems with my body around 6th grade when I started entering puberty. That was the year my parents got divorced and I started being molested by my brother’s business partner. When I told my mother about the sexual abuse, her response was “Well you shouldn’t have been bothering him!” I told a teacher and she told me to stop making up stories. After that I gave up and stopped trying to tell anyone. I was sexually and psychologically abused regularly from age 11 to age 14 when a fight thankfully broke up the business partnership between my brother and my rapist, and he wasn’t around anymore.

Photo Credit: Drop The Label

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and small garden with work-arounds for my disabilities as well as spending a lot of time helping out with political and social causes and charities.

The abuse made me hate myself, hate being female, and hate my body. I could hardly stand being in my own skin and was convinced I was ugly, broken, and worthless.

Did you ever deal with bullying? I was not a popular kid at school and was bullied mercilessly for most of my public school career. I had no friends through most of it. At home or at school, I was always the one people turned to when they needed to vent their rage about something.

Photo Credit: Sharon McCutcheon

What was your experience with having an eating disorder? I developed Binge Eating Disorder in 6th grade, which was not a recognized diagnosis at the time. I absolutely could not help myself. I could literally eat an entire box of candy bars from Costco in two days by myself. I turned to food to self-medicate because I had nothing and nobody else to turn to for help to cope with the loneliness, pain, violence, and trauma of my life. I stayed in front of the TV sneaking food and trying to use it to drown my misery. I ate, and ate, and ate, and ate until I would go into a food coma and experience a couple blessed hours where I wasn’t thinking or feeling anything. I lived for those times of respite. I started putting on weight at an astonishing rate and was ballooning up and getting fatter, and fatter, and fatter, and I did not care or have any ability to stop. It was only when I was in a food coma that I could get a moment of respite from being me. My mom sent me to doctors, dietitians, therapists, and they all insisted a 9-year-old couldn’t HAVE an eating disorder, but to put me on a strict diet and make me go out and play sometimes. My mom tried to help, but quickly gave up. I think she felt as helpless as I did.

When did you know that you needed or wanted to pursue recovery? I’ve known I needed help with my eating problems pretty much since they started, but I also knew that stopping was impossible. That began a 30-year-long yo-yo game with my weight. In my 20’s, through sheer willpower, I FORCED 50 pounds off my body. I was eating a very low fat diet and also eating very little. I was absolutely brutal to myself, guilting and shaming my own perceived weaknesses and pretty much mentally restraining myself the entire time. Because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. That’s what everyone told me to do. That was the conventional wisdom of the time. If you wanted to lose weight, it was supposed to hurt. It was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life. Inside I was in terrible pain emotionally, physically, and mentally. My eating disorder consumed me and I wanted to die inside, but I looked good. I never got to being severely underweight before my health completely collapsed. One day I was at work and I started getting really dizzy. Then I started having problems breathing and my heart was racing and I was sweating buckets. My coworkers called 911 and I was sent to the ER with heart palpitations.

Learning To Love Who I Am, cont’d

My charts were all over the place and my kidneys were only functioning at 60%. I spent about a week in the hospital, and that’s when, for the first time, I had someone sit down, take me seriously and start laying out a real recovery plan. Describe your recovery journey, and how your life has changed. After I left the hospital my health was shot and recovery was slow and painful. I started binge eating again, and gained 100 pounds back. At my heaviest, I weighed 265 pounds.

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The rest of the story is drawn out over 30 years of trying and failing to find a sensible way of eating that didn’t always eventually devolve into eating an entire bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on a regular basis.

Always though, in the back of my mind, I’ve always had the persistent thought that there must be a way to heal and not have to suffer for it. I knew there MUST be a way for me to live, eat, and sustain a healthy weight that did NOT require micromanaging and bad food. If toddlers can intuitively pick a balanced diet without anybody needing to tell them what to eat, why couldn’t I? How could that intuition be destroyed?

I really don’t think it can. Which meant that wisdom was still there, just buried well. I started around then to see more and more articles and musings about the body positivity movement cropping up, which was just starting to pick up steam

and become more mainstream. I think I first read about the movement in a random magazine I picked up at a grocery store checkout stand that caught my eye about it. It tapped into that nagging feeling I had, so I started researching it seriously. What is the biggest difference in your life since you started learning body acceptance? I feel like I can trust myself to take care of me now where that was absent before. Trusting my gut paid off. Learning body acceptance turned out to be the key to learning how to unlock that inner wisdom I was born with. Everyone kept telling me it was a food problem, and healing my eating disorder wasn’t about food. What advice would you like to give women who are struggling to accept or feel comfortable with their bodies? Guilt and shame are not healthy habits. Good health cannot by definition come from toxic care. The hardest part is building up the courage to even entertain the thought that maybe you really don’t need any improvement. I also learned things can’t be done out of the wrong sequence. Learning to love yourself as you are has to come before you can start worrying about what you’re eating. Loving yourself takes a lot of patience and practice, like learning a new martial art, but it’s a practice worth taking the time to do.

Lori is currently a retired writer/graphic artist, happily living in Seattle with her husband raising poultry and honeybees, and donating her time to feminist and civil rights causes.

Photo Credit: Analise Benevides

I AM JUST MYSELF, JAI MICHELLE By Jai Michelle, submitted by Jamila Choyce, Beutiful I am a published plus size/tattoo model. I would like to share my story with men and women who have experienced internal pain. I truly believe that pain can be transformed into beauty through self-love. I promised myself that once I overcame my challenges I would share my personal journey to motivate and inspire other individuals who have similar issues with pain! I defined pain as sadness, heartache, depression, suicide and even low self-esteem, yet I manifested mine externally with tattoos. I grew up in a Christian home, and attended church services every Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday. However, that does not make life grandiose. Who would have ever known that I suffered from internal pain such as sadness, heartache, depression, suicide and even low self-esteem? I never imagined the disappointment and anger I would feel towards the people closest to me. Now twenty years later, my entire body has been tattooed to represent my life experiences whether good or bad. Instead of turning to drugs or alcohol, I began to get tattoos at a young age to mask the pain of hurt and disappointment. My tattoos are the manifestations of my internal pain. I was only 18 years old when I got my first tattoo. I always wanted a tattoo, but my parents always said no. As an act of defiance, I got tattooed anyway. The tattoo was painful, but it was a good type of pain. Actually, it was a release of my internal pain. This first tattoo changed my life. As I reminisce, my very first tattoo was small. I immediately made an appointment to get my second biggest tattoo. Again that pain felt so good, and I did not cry. I just sat there and took it. The artist asked if I was doing ok and said he had never seen anyone sit so still and not complain of pain. 36

Photo Credit: Ken West

I Am Just Myself, Jai Michelle, cont’d

It was a pain that didn’t make me think about anything else that was going on around me. I just thought of how cute the tattoo was going to look and how it felt. It was a major accomplishment for me, because I did it on my own free will and without parental permission. The tattoo masked the pain so well that each time I was going through something that made me feel pain internally; I wanted to experience the external pain from the tattoos.

Photo Credit: Ken West

Modeling has released pain by giving me the right to express myself through showing who I am and how my tattoos are an image of my personal makeup. As a tattoo/plus size model, it has helped me be more comfortable with myself and my body. Modeling relaxes me and allows me to escape and gives me the freedom to be who I want to be. Follow my journey on Facebook (Jai Michelle) and Instagram (@Just_Jai_Michelle). Jai Michelle’s story was submitted by Jamila Choyce, CEO of ChoycePlusModelsInc Live Your Best Life - Globe Ambassador for Plus Size Talent! Jamila Jay’s-PlusSizeCasting.com & Public Relations (PR) Service is geared towards Plus Size Casting who are seeking modeling, acting, movie and television roles, Plus Size pageants, reality and games shows, and docu-series. Go to JamilaJayPlusSizeCasting.com.

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Each tattoo on my body represents something specific. There is one tattoo which stands out the most, it is a crying mask with ribbons on my thigh. I was going through a time of depression and I attempted suicide. I remember this day like it was yesterday. As life began to get better, my tattoos became an art of expression. My body shares a life story that is my testimony. I have learned to love and be loved. Through it all, my goal is to share that with self-love, anything is possible. Consequentially, just like my tattoos released my internal pain, modeling has become an expression of my own personal acceptance and how I “unapologetically” learned to love me!

Jamila Choyce is a print and runway plus size model, actress, talk show hostess, journalist and creator of Jamila Jay’s Plus Size Revolution. She is also writing the “Plus Size Model Survival Guide.” You can visit her website or follow her on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube or Tumblr!

Photo Credit: Ken West

#PerfectFigure Lingerie brand PARFAIT is truly stepping up and redefining what it

means to be size-inclusive. The brand is challenging societal beauty norms in launching #PerfectFigure 2.0, using six inspiring women of varying backgrounds, abilities and body types to encourage a

conversation on embracing your own beautiful and unique “perfect figure.”

Jesslynn Marquez, Marketing & Social Media Coordinator of PARFAIT, said: “In today’s society it’s so easy to slip into a pattern of constantly comparing yourself to others, and through this campaign we’re here to show, to prove, that there is no such thing as one ideal body type or “perfect figure.” This campaign is about embracing who you are,

physically and mentally, body and soul. It’s about accepting your own

#PerfectFigure no matter it’s size, shape or form, because beauty and “perfection” truly come in all forms!”

Photo Credit: PARFAIT

WHY I DID NOT TELL By Keesha “Wanda” Jackson, submitted by Jamila Choyce, Beutiful This is my story of incest and sexual assault. I was the only child for four years before my sister came along. My dad hardly worked and my mom worked all the time. As a young child I always had the mentality to always make my parents proud. I wasn’t perfect but I was aware of my right and wrong doings. I watched my dad spend my mom’s money because she worked all the time. Since she couldn’t afford childcare for me, well guess who the babysitter was. My dad was the babysitter. That’s practically all I knew my dad was. I had seen my parents fight, argue and break things and he would blame my mom for everything. So as a little girl, I learned how to win him over and not do what my mom did because he would get mad and become violent. Not only was I my dad’s little princess with good hair, I became something I wasn’t aware of. My dad introduced love to me in another way. Of course I thought it was right at first because that’s my dad. That’s all I knew. But I started feeling bad because he would tell me not to tell my mom. I caught my parents having sex a few times and she really enjoyed herself. But my dad was doing me the same way. I felt like I was sharing him with my mom. This all started at the age of two. My dad made this a habit almost every time my mom went to work. He became aggressive if I said the word “No.” He would promise me things so I wouldn’t tell. Not only had he molested me physically. It was oral also. So now, I feel like this is wrong. As I got older and started school, my attitude changed. I started liking boys and even wanted to have the same feeling my dad gave me because I was used to it. The older I got, the fatter I got. And the fatter I became the more he didn’t want to pay me any attention. So now he became more abusive and told me if I wanted to lose any weight to take off

all my clothes and go look in the mirror so I won’t eat anymore. But this is the man that loved me so dearly. I didn’t tell anyone because I was really afraid. My dad was a monster to me. He was violent and the way he abused my mom, I really didn’t want to experience that even though I kind of did. I was so afraid I wanted to commit suicide. My life wasn’t worth living because I felt I’d already been damaged. I was mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually abused. I felt if I told my story he was going to come after me. Even though in his last days of living he had been hospital-bound for over a year, I felt like he was going to come after me. He passed away in January of 2018 and now, I can finally share my story.

Keesha “Wanda” Jackson’s story was submitted by Jamila Choyce, CEO of ChoycePlusModelsInc Live Your Best Life - Globe Ambassador for Plus Size Talent! Jamila Jay’s-PlusSizeCasting.com & Public Relations (PR) Service is geared towards Plus Size Casting who are seeking modeling, acting, movie and television roles, Plus Size pageants, reality and games shows, and docu-series. Go to JamilaJayPlusSizeCasting.com. Jamila Choyce is a print and runway plus size model, actress, talk show hostess, journalist and creator of Jamila Jay’s Plus Size Revolution. She is also writing the “Plus Size Model Survival Guide.” You can visit her website or follow her on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube or Tumblr!

CATHARSIS: LOVE + FOOD By Jackie Bluzer, Beutiful The relationship between women, food, love, and worthiness is a complicated one for many of us. In this series, writer and artist Jackie Bluzer explores the connection between how we feel about ourselves and how it spreads into our health and love lives. The story and illustrations on the following pages are by Jackie Bluzer, who hopes to publish a full graphic novel in the near future. She has also recently illustrated the children’s book “Fawn’s Touching Tale: A Story for Children Who Have Been Sexually Abused (Help for Sexually Abused Children)”, which is available for purchase on Amazon!

Photo Credit: Eric Ward

Jackie Bluzer is a writer, illustrator and poet who has written for publications both in print and online. She has also been an editor for online magazines, as well as illustrated books for publication. If you’d like to get in touch with Jackie, you can email her here!

Illustration by Jackie Bluzer

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“Celebrate all the things you don’t like about yourself. Love yourself.” - Lady Gaga It’s time to undefine ourselves. Time to embrace the unique, individual beauty of being a raw, evolving human unwilling to “fit” into a society-imposed box.

Come out of hiding. Stop trying to collect material items, airbrush reality away, and hide behind a mask. Open up to limitless equality, acceptance, peace and vitality

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