Beutiful Magazine - The Awaken Issue / Winter 2018 by Beutiful, LLC

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AWAKEN // WINTER 2018 Photo Credit: Jamila Choyce

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happy 2018, lovely!

Let’s face it: 2017 was ROUGH and left pretty much everyone more

than ready to leave the year behind and start fresh in 2018. We know you felt it, too!

But we also know that the beginning of a new year, although full

of promise and potential, can be a really hard time - especially for

women. This is when women are most hard on themselves during

the winter, and most critical of their bodies as they are pressured to make resolutions to diet or get in better shape.

That’s why we’ve made sure to include some super-empowering

articles to help you get out of your head, conquer insecure thoughts, and tap into your heart and inner confidence! Keep reading, darling, and remember that you’ve got this!

Feel free to send us a message if you’re interested in sharing something with us for future publication!

Questions / Comments? Feel free to email me at info@beutifulmagazine.com! P.S. The images in this issue are not our own unless specified.

Our cover image is print and runway plus size model, actress, journalist (and our own Beutiful writer) Jamila Choyce! Check out her editorial on pages 8 and 30, or visit her website for more!

meet our team!

PATRICIA

AMY

KATE

MARTINA

Editor of Beutiful, Patricia Colli is a writer with a BA in Graphic Design. Currently pursuing her MSW in Philadelphia. Graduated UVic majoring in Theatre - a singer, songwriter and musician based in Toronto. She is also a volunteer youth worker at a local shelter. Kate has a BA in Sociology & Social Policy. Alongside her work with NPOs, Kate currently operates a Marketing/Branding studio on the west coast of Canada. Martina is an artist and student at Salisbury University. She is passionate about sending a body positive message.

LAUREN

JAMILA

SOPHIE

Resides on Long Island, NY. Bachelor degree in Graphic Design. Loves being a part of the Beutiful movement. Jamila Choyce is a print and runway plus size model, actress, talk show hostess, journalist and creator of Jamila Jay’s Plus Size Revolution. Sophie Reymond is a writer and an advocate for body-positivity, self-love, and health. You can check out her work on Instagram, @AbsoluteSelfLove.

MEFTIHE

ERIN

JACKIE

From Melbourne, Australia. BA in Social Sciences, Policy and Research. Passionate about social education and helping to create a media literate world. Erin Miller is a writer living in New York City and she is passionate about feminism, body acceptance and social issues.

Jackie Bluzer is a writer, illustrator and poet. She has also been an editor for online magazines and has illustrated books for publication.

We’re looking for contributors! Send a message

to patti@beutifulmagazine.com if you’re interested in joining our team!

Photo Credit: Lane Bryant â&#x20AC;&#x153;This Bodyâ&#x20AC;? Project

connect with us! join our private facebook group!

Get involved in our all-women body image group! Connect with and support other women while learning how to deepen your appreciation for your body and put body acceptance in motion.

CLICK TO JOIN!

join our revolution!

Over the years, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve launched several bodypositive, self esteem campaigns for both men and women. With the launch of our new website, we are proudly sharing the stories of our biggest supporters - you guys! Visit our website or use the hashtag #GoBeUtiful to keep up with our latest body-positive movements, or get involved by submitting your own story and picture!

#GOBEUTIFUL

Photo Credit: Charli Howard and Clémentine Desseaux #IamAllWoman Project

support healthy media! 91% of women don’t like their bodies.

We think it’s time that this number changed. We are dedicated to creating healthy, empowering, body-positive material for women and girls to consume. You can help us continue our mission by purchasing a copy of this magazine or by making a donation! We greatly appreciate your help and support.

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Photo Credit: Playtex Love My Curves

whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s inside... 08 16 30 38 52 56

2018: The Year of The Sexy Bra By Jamila Choyce

Stina Sanders #Unfiltered

An interview with model, author, and activist Stina Sanders

Dying To Be Thin By Jamila Choyce

The Power of #MeToo By Lauren Jesus

Losing Our Idols To Their Misogyny By Erin Miller

Popcorn Is Still My Kryptonite By Jackie Bluzer

2018: THE YEAR OF THE SEXY BRA!

By Jamila Choyce, Beutiful

Fashion Week Spring 2018 in Milan, Paris, and New York runways were stunned with beautiful models with colorful peek-a-boo sheer blouses - some with bras and without - underneath their garments. The Spring 2018 collections were filled with vibrant colors. However, the eye-turning clinker on the runways were the bras, bra tops, and bralettes which were featured in the many of the collections during Fashion Week. Photo Credit: Jamila Choyce

Bras were not really the typical bra. They were transformed into the newest, hottest fashion trend. Furthermore each November, we patiently wait for the quintessential lingerie fashion show extravaganza of the year. Victoria has a Secret, and the world wants to know what it is. We viewed the annual Victoriaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Secret Fashion Show - without any Plus Size Models. Year of the bra is 2018! T-shirt, underwire, full coverage, plunge, lace, wireless, bodysuit, and strapless are typical categories of bras that any consumer would be able find on any website or retailer that sells bras. However, the typical bras for the plus size consumer has been forgotten by major designers, which includes plus size bras, bra tops, and bralettes. However, very few plus size models were featured, so I asked where were the bras, bra tops, and bralettes for sizes 16 and up? Plus size market Until recently, plus size bras looked a lot like something a grandmother or great-grandma would wear. Even now they can be pricier than those made for the slimmer set, and sometimes theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not even available to try on in a store.

Photo Credit: Jamila Choyce

2018: The Year of The Sexy Bra, cont’d

If we check out the statistics, about a third of American adults are classified as overweight, and they’re getting heavier at younger and younger ages. Still, many companies have been slow to catch on, even as Ashley Graham and other substantial models began making the covers of glossy magazines and actresses including Melissa McCarthy and Rebel Wilson launched their own clothing lines.

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Nevertheless stores like Torrid, Ashley Stewart, and Lane Bryant have made shopping for plus size bras a little easier.

Plus size women are confident and have embarked upon the body-positive movement, but designers and retailers are slow to tap into this billion dollar market.

Plus sizes: According to the fashion industry, plus sizes start at a slender size 6 which is smaller than the average American woman. Therefore, the models on the runway are sizes 0 to 4. There is a void for sizes 6 and up. In the real fashion world, plus size starts at a size 14/16 and up. Plus size bras, bra tops and bralettes are fashion staples: Underwear as outerwear has its boom-and-bust cycles on the runway, and the prevalence of the bra top is definitely pushing spring in the boom direction. Bra tops are more than your lacy sexy lingerie. They can be worn in the bedroom or boardroom: it can worn with your sexiest lingerie, layered under a strong-shouldered jacket, leather or jean jacket, shawl or sweater, and vest or blazer. My favorite way to accessorize is with body chains and bulky jewelry. Plus size bras, bra tops, and bralettes are albeit a new and exciting fashion musthave for Spring 2018. Plus size bras: A plus size bra is a bra that is specifically designed to accommodate a more generous body type and includes features like a wider band, proportional bra cups with more coverage, wider straps and other design features that make life easier for full-figured women.

We cannot say that it’s only up from the D size cup that it’s a full size bra. According to many brands specialized in plus bra sizes, we can consider it from the size 32D. The structured bra is meant and made to suit various breast sizes, and various specialized brands make quite noticeable changes to make it suit a bigger chest.

Photo Credit: Jamila Choyce

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2018: The Year of The Sexy Bra, cont’d

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“My favorite way to accessorize is with body chains and bulky jewelry. Plus size bras, bra tops, and bralettes are albeit a new and exciting fashion must-have for Spring 2018.”

Photo Credit: Jamila Choyce

2018: The Year of The Sexy Bra, cont’d

Bra tops: Currently, we have not seen many bra tops for the plus size consumer. Although plus size women’s clothing is at a $21 billion sector growth rate researcher NPD Group Inc. pegged at some 6% last year - about three times the average for clothing in all sizes. And one of the fastest-expanding segments is lingerie, said IBISWorld analyst Madeline Hurley. “This area has been traditionally underserved.” The plus size bra consumer would love the new trends, a fashionable image, new kinds of alternative fabrics and innovations of production like fur, suede, leather, and glitter bras adorned with body chains, exotic jewelry, and chokers. The plus size bra consumers are millennials or middle-aged. All women need high fashion bras that fit properly, give great support for their posture, and are conducive to optimal breast health. Although millennials are heavier, it’s not easy to get it all right especially for full-figure variants that have to provide enough lift and also be comfortable. According to research by Hanesbrands, 35% of

Photo Credit: Jamila Choyce

women are plus size by age 25, and 44% by age 33. Bralettes: Bralettes are the newest and cutest thing around. Since bralettes come in so many styles or colors, they are usually tucked in or hidden underneath clothing. Bralettes are meant to be seen, so whenever there is a side slit, a deep V dress or blouse, or an opening in the back of a dress or blouse, let the bralette shine through. Spring 2018 Fashion Week was a glance of the hottest fashion trend of the year: plus size bras, bra tops, and bralettes. They are not only lingerie, but they have merged into the mainstream and focal point of high fashion. It is a prominent trend of Spring 2018. Let’s welcome The Year of The Bra! Jamila Choyce is a print and runway plus size model, actress, talk show hostess, journalist and creator of Jamila Jay’s Plus Size Revolution. You can visit her website or follow her on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube or Tumblr!

Photo Credit: Jamila Choyce

STINA SANDERS

#UNFILTERED

An interview with model, author, and activist Stina Sanders

Stina Sanders is a force to be reckoned with. In 2015, the U.K.-based model and lifestyle blogger made waves when she started posting “real”, unedited photos of her daily life on Instagram, shocking her fans while making a major feminist, body positive statement. Today, Stina is using her voice to empower women through her work on her #Unfiltered blog, her book, and several other exciting projects. We’re honored to share Stina’s words with you all!

How did you become involved in modeling? I was 14 and scouted by a photographer. I left school at 18 to pursue modeling as a career, I saved the money I made from that to fund my university degree. Modeling was never a long-term goal, it was just something that helped pay the bills and my education. What inspired you to use your platform as a way to start body positive, feminist conversations? There was no real inspiration or drive for talking about the things I felt passionate about. I’ve always been honest online and when I want to discuss a topic that’s important to me, then I use social media, as it’s a great place to start any conversation. What influenced you to post those ‘real life’ photos of yourself on Instagram? Was it difficult to reveal them so publicly? What were the reactions?

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Tell us about yourself! I’m what is coined as an ‘honest writer’. I write about my life, sex, relationships and anything I want to get off my chest.

I suffered with depression for many years and it always annoyed me that people had no idea what was going through my head because all they could see was my “fabulous life” portrayed on social media. Of course, none of that is real and it’s only a sneak peek of the bigger picture.

I thought it would be funny to show the bigger picture on Instagram where I would usually post glamorous images of my life. Yes, it was strange at first to post such gritty photos, especially as I hadn’t told anyone what I was doing. After the second photo, I felt liberated and found the reactions from my followers really interesting. The majority of comments were from women, whereas usually men would comment on my modelling photos. So it was nice to feel a connection with my followers, rather than someone just telling me what they thought of my body.

@stinasanders

Stina Sanders #Unfiltered, cont’d

Your blog, #Unfiltered, is so empowering and touches on so many great subjects. What are some topics you’re most passionate about? I like writing about things people feel uncomfortable talking about. So whether that’s having IBS, anxiety or hairy nipples, I like to discuss these things in depth and my experience of whatever it is I’m writing about. I know people can relate to me and I like the thought of making someone feel they are not alone. No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. You’ve spoken up a lot about mental health and your battle with anxiety. What’s the biggest thing you want people to know about mental health?

Anyone can suffer with mental health. Even the most successful, strongest person you know could be suffering with anxiety or depression. It’s not always obvious and I think people need to be aware of that. I also think our understanding of mental health is getting better; people are not as quick to judge anymore but we still need to raise awareness of the issue, especially in the workplace. You’re extremely transparent when it comes to sharing your struggles with your body and mental health. How do you manage the bullying that inevitably comes with being so public? Of course, you get the odd comment and troll, and when I do, I just ignore it. I have been quite lucky as the things I’m talking about aren’t controversial in that they will upset people. My articles usually get people talking positively and honestly.

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@stinasanders

“Not pregnant just well fed.”

“Women were commenting because they could relate. For example, on the hair removal cream photo of mine, one girl said, ‘I do my morning maintenance

every Monday too.’ People were pleased that they could actually see it’s okay to be normal.” - Stina Sanders

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Stina Sanders #Unfiltered, cont’d

Have you experienced bullying when you were younger? If so, how did you handle it?

Yes, I did. I was born with a disfigured eye and that made for lots of name calling at school. It was upsetting at the time but now I look back and see it as a learning curve. I think it’s fair to say, bullying taught me to accept my flaws and embrace them. I am who I am, regardless of what people think or say. You’re very honest with the cosmetic procedures you undergo, such as botox. What is your stance on cosmetic procedures in regards to body image? If you want to change something that is bothering you or making you self-conscious, then go for it. It’s a personal preference and if you seriously believe it will make you feel better and you do your research and find a good surgeon, then I see no issue with doing what you want to do. It’s your body, your rules! You’ve also spoken up about something extremely personal - being a survivor of domestic violence. How did you begin to rebuild yourself after that experience? What would you like women to learn from your story? It took me over two years to finally recover from that experience and I can only thank my therapist, family and friends for helping me pull through. Writing something so personal was extremely therapeutic but I also wanted to speak out about it and help someone who could also be in the situation that I was in.

For me, I always thought abusive relationships were physical but they are also emotional. If I had known the signs of an abusive relationship before, it would have helped me avoid or at least escape that experience. As we’re seeing a major uptick in men being called out for sexual misconduct, you have also written about receiving unsolicited d*ck pics. What do you think is the best way for women to stand up for themselves when experiencing this behavior? It depends on the situation. I think if you know the sender or have at least been speaking, then by asking them the question, “Do you think this is appropriate when I haven’t asked for this?” is a great way to highlight the issue. If you get random unsolicited d*ck pics, via a dating app or social media, then just report and block. Do not respond. I think it’s a matter of educating people and I think by highlighting the issue or not responding at all is the best way to react to this behavior. Any exciting future plans or developments in the works? Lots! My writing and TV/radio will continue, as well as launching an ‘Honest’ podcast next year. Watch this space...

Stina Sanders is an author, lifestyle blogger, activist, and model living in London. In addition to writing her own book, Unfiltered, Stina is also a co-founder of the app Huggle. To see more from Stina and to read more of her #Unfiltered thoughts, you can visit her website and check out her Instagram!

@stinasanders

#MakeYourMark UK-based retailer Missguided has launched its completely

unretouched campaign “Make Your Mark”, featuring 8 models and

body-positive activists. People are loving the photo campaign and its

message and it’s easy to see why. The company wrote on its website: “We’re on a mission to inspire babes the world over to love

themselves, for themselves, to embrace your flaws, and to not strive

for what the world perceives as perfection. Because f--- perfection, it doesn’t exist.”

The message concludes with a call to action: “We are making a

pledge to never retouch our models’ perfect ‘imperfections’ out.” Here are just some of the epic photos that were taken for the

campaign - and be sure to follow #MakeYourMark on social media to join the movement! 22

Photo Credit: Missguided

DYING TO BE THIN

Tiffiney Neal’s story / Submitted by Jamila Choyce, Beutiful

My name is Tiffiney Neal. I almost passed away on two different occasions. The first time was after complications of my gastric band weight loss surgery, and 10 years later was after my tummy tuck. My journey is one of pain and triumph. This is my story to the world. As a child, I was skinny. Between the ages of 5 to 8, I was not chubby. Every winter, I was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, where I was given steroids and other medication. When I was eight years old, I started gaining weight. After that, I remain chubby as a child. I was teased, called names like “ugly”, “fat”, and “bald headed.”

When I fainted in the hospital, the physicians believed that something was wrong. They scoped me and had to remove my band. I lost my feeling in my body. I could not feel anything. I felt very weak and I made out a living will. My veins collapsed and they had to put the IV in my neck.

When I get discouraged, I take it day by day! As I got older and was in high school, it was difficult to lose the weight. I was around 155 and 175 when I graduated. When I turned 20 I gained weight, but at 220 pounds I lost most of that weight. However, three years later, I got pregnant with my daughter. It was a high-risk pregnancy. I maintained 185.

I gained weight after my surgery to correct the problem with the band. My heaviest weight was 392, and I was bedridden for almost four years. My back and the weight put a strain on my body. I lived in my bedroom and needed care. Therefore, I hired a homecare nurse to assist me with taking care of my basic hygiene.

My weight exploded when a basketball goal fell on me. It hit the base of my neck and I fell to the ground. The realm of the basketball hoop branded me, and I was bed ridden for six weeks. I was gaining weight and my health started to deteriorate. At that point, my weight was 225 pounds.

I guarantee you that no one wants to live in a sick aching body, so I fought mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to lose the weight on my own.

Perfectly Flawed

I had my first weight loss surgery when I was at 280 pounds. My height is 5’6. I lost only about 30 pounds with the band. I almost died, because the band split and it cut off the entry to my stomach. 30

For nearly two weeks, I could not eat or drink. I had to get IV’s every one to three days to stay hydrated.

Approximately 10 years later, after the weight loss surgery, I had a tummy tuck with 65 staples. I had three infections, and a blood clot. This was the same surgery that Kanye West’s mother died from, and I almost died, too. I wanted to be thin for the second time. Plus Size Model Currently, I weight about 220 and am a size 12/14, but in the transition of being 392 to 220 pounds, sadly I almost died. I survived, and now I am a freelance professional lingerie and swimsuit model.

Photo Credit: Melvin Hicks / Elite Image Studios

Dying To Be Thin, contâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d

I am proud of my body. I almost died for it. I have been modeling for approximately 7 years. I love everything about modeling! I love the camera, lights, make up, hair, etc. and the camera loves me. Runway, print, magazine, pageants, talk shows, and commercials are all on my resume. My goal is to inspire other women to achieve their goals.

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I am success. My definition of success is to know within myself that the sky is the limit! We can achieve all that is good, but we place limitations upon ourselves.

We are our own worst critics. The BBW modeling industry passes on their personal hurt and pain to other models. I represent the 14 billion+ sexy women all over the world with a message of selfacceptance and self-love.

My body is not perfect, but I am wonderful and perfectly made. My leisure activities, besides spending time with my family and modeling, is riding motorcycles with my female motorcycle club. S.T.A.R. Motorcycle clubs are more than riding the highways and byways! It is a sisterhood which consists of community service by assisting students and individuals who are less fortunate than us.

Every August, we have a backpack drive for students who cannot afford backpacks and school supplies. We purchase food for the homeless. In December, we have a Christmas toy drive, and hold fundraising activities to help the community. I am still dying to be thin. Although I almost died, I am still contemplating weight loss surgery, so I can control my diabetes. I may die if I do not have it or I may die without it, because somehow or some way I have to lose the weight.

Jamila Choyce is a print and runway plus size model, actress, talk show hostess, journalist and creator of Jamila Jayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Plus Size Revolution. You can visit her website or follow her on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube or Tumblr!

Photo Credit: Melvin Hicks / Elite Image Studios

#RuggedGrace Rugged Grace is a photo project done by the Harvard Women’s

Rugby team exploring their relationships with their sport and their bodies.

A team member explained the project, “We simply asked our

teammates to write what they loved about each other, and refrained from giving much direction or expectations. From that there was an

outpouring of appreciation about each others bodies, attitudes, and characters. I didn’t expect the process to be so emotional, but after

each day I felt full of pride for the women involved and how much we respect both ourselves and each other.”

“We want to send the message that women’s bodies are not merely

decorations for billboards and magazine advertisements, but rather the physical presentation of strong, powerful people.”

THE POWER OF #ME TOO By Lauren Jesus, Beutiful I believe the #MeToo movement as we know it now began on October 8th, 2016. That was the day the now infamous Access Hollywood tape of Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women was leaked to the public. Once the taped leaked, you had people defending it as “locker room” talk and others denouncing the future President of the United States, just to run back and support him once he won the election. I, like so many other women, was beyond words when Hillary Clinton was announced as the Democratic candidate, making history as the first woman to come that much closer to becoming President of the United States. I also, like so many, was utterly destroyed when Clinton lost the election and what had made it so much worse was that she had lost to someone so unqualified to hold office, who had also committed multiple sexual assaults.

This is something women have dealt with since they were “allowed” to enter the workforce in the 1960s. Women of all ethnicities have had to fight for a place in the work environment, to be taken seriously and to be seen as equals. To this day, women still earn less than men in almost all occupations. White women earn 80 cents for every dollar a man makes, while black women earn only 63 cents. Even worse, Hispanic/Latina women only earn a meager 54 cents. On top of earning less and having to work harder for recognition at a job, women also have to deal with sexual harassment and sexual assault in the workplace.

According to a study done by the EEOC, one in four women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. The study also points out that the women who reported the sexual harassment were subjected to some form of retaliation or mistreatment. The EEOC also points out that the sexual harassment seminars that employers hold once a year are merely put in place for legal reasons and have done nothing to prevent misconduct in the workplace. These statics are completely disheartening and when I personally think back to the jobs I held and having to watch those sexual harassment videos, I can completely agree that they really don’t do anything. I was sexually harassed at multiple jobs that I had held, in front of management and nothing was done about the situation or my harasser. This treatment of women in the workplace combined with the election of someone who brags about sexual assault was the catalyst for the movement we now see before us. In January of 2017, women took to the streets wearing pink pussy hats to protest the election of Trump. This was the backlash for not being heard, for electing someone who has done nothing but disrespect women his entire public life. Trump didn’t just brag about sexually assaulting women. He talked about walking in on underage girls changing at a beauty pageant. He rated women on their looks, women who challenged him were accused of being on their periods, and he would constantly talk about how he wanted to marry or be intimate with his own daughter Ivanka. During the end of the election, when multiple women came forward about being sexually assaulted by Trump, he denounced them by saying he didn’t know who they were or that they weren’t attractive enough to have been assaulted. Another common misconception is that sexual assault or harassment only happens to women or men who are deemed attractive by society’s standards, when in reality it can happen to anyone of any age, size, or ethnicity.

The Women’s March of 2017 was the moment when women of all different backgrounds and walks of life came together to give strength to one message, that they weren’t going to take it anymore and that their voices would be heard.

I believe if it weren’t for Trump’s Access Hollywood tape leaking, women wouldn’t have come together in the numbers they did on January 21, 2017. My husband and I went to The Women’s March in our area and I found the experience to be emotionally overwhelming. I found myself crying when I saw a large crowd made of all different types of people, families, husbands, men, children, elderly women. It was an incredible experience that I was honored to be a part of. When we came home from the march, my husband and I turned on the news to see all the coverage from the Women’s March. I was blown away by the number of people who took to the streets across the world to have their voices heard. The Women’s March was the largest organized protest in US history with five million people from all walks of life coming together for a common message. This was just the beginning of the modern age women’s movement. By October 15, 2017 a new wave in the Women’s Movement was brought to light. The hashtag #MeToo began circulating on the internet thanks to Alyssa Milano’s response to the Harvey Weinstein sexual

The Power of #MeToo, cont’d

abuse allegations that had come out in early October. The famous hashtag, however, was created long before Weinstein was accused of anything publicly. Tarana Burke, who runs a non-profit center for sexual abuse victims called Just Be Inc., created one of the most profound phrases while working with young survivors of harassment and assault. Burke named her movement Me Too in 2006 as a way to bring survivors together and allow them a way to heal, which she refers to as “empowerment through empathy.” By the end of October, over eighty women would come forward against Weinstein. Some incredibly famous actresses like Ashley Judd, who said that he attempted to assault her, and Rose McGowan, who claimed that she had been raped by Weinstein. The allegations against Weinstein were just the beginning, though. Because of the brave women who spoke up and shared their stories about their abusers, more women and men began to come forward against other high profile figures. Kevin Spacey was accused of sexual assault by multiple men and removed from the show House of Cards and the film All the Money in the World. Louis C.K. was accused of purposely masturbating in front of fellow female comics and lost his television contract with FX, director James Toback was accused by 200 women of sexual

harassment and assault, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick was accused of sexual harassment and had to step down from the company. Bill O’Reilly was accused of sexual harassment and had settled with multiple accusers and lost his job at Fox News, multiple politicians who were recently accused of sexual harassment resigned from their positions. The head of the WME talent agency Adam Venit was accused of sexual assault by actor Terry Crews. Matt Lauer was accused of sexual harassment by multiple women and lost is job at The Today Show. Music mogul Russel Simmons has been accused of raping four women, and just recently, comedic actor T.J. Miller was accused of raping and abusing his college girlfriend. I’m sure that by the time this article is published more allegations of high profile figures will come out and that’s a wonderful thing in a way. Men and women should feel emboldened to come forward with their stories so that their abusers can face the justice they deserve. I think that the conversations we are now having about sexual harassment and assault can lead to a positive change and empower victims to come forward with their encounters. While the #MeToo hashtag is a movement that will hopefully change the way people are treated in the world, it has also made me look back on my own experience in life and I realized that I am also a victim of abuse. When

I was 11 years old, a family friend aggressively hit on me. The older man was encouraged by a close family member to do so. I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable and unsure of what was happening. When I was a teenager, a man much older than me came into my part time job and questioned me about my pubic hair. I was a minor at the time. In my twenties, while attending physical therapy for a crippling injury to my back, I was sexual assaulted. The physical therapist, while stretching me on the table, grinded his crotch against my butt while winking at me. This happened in a room full of people. I remember feeling paralyzed with fear because I couldn’t believe what was happening. I left my appointment and went to the car where my husband was waiting for me and broke down in tears. I told him immediately what happened and he exploded in anger, telling me he wanted to go inside the office and take care of the situation. After the assault I refused to take care of my back injury for over ten years. The pain became unbearable and I was told the only way to help my spine from bending the wrong way was to commit to physical therapy. I was terrified of going to another physical therapist and experiencing another assault.

Photo Credit: Lauren Jesus

It took me a full year to be able to trust my therapist and feel comfortable.

I blamed myself for a long time after my assault and thought of what I might have done to encourage it or why didn’t I say something and stop it. I think it is so easy to say to a victim, “Why didn’t you fight back?” and the easy answer is because in that moment you cannot believe what is happening and you are afraid to say anything.

Photo Credit: Lauren Jesus

The Power of #MeToo, cont’d

I remember feeling like I was watching the assault happen to me and that I couldn’t stop it. Hopefully with the #MeToo movement we can have a more open conversation as to how we can stop and prevent sexual abuse from occurring. So the year began with the Women’s March and as we approached the end of the year, the #MeToo movement took rise. However, women weren’t done with 2017 yet. With the election in Alabama looming it looked like Republican Roy Moore, an accused sexually abusive pedophile, was going to win the election. The women’s movement wasn’t going to allow that and African American women made their voices heard with an astounding 98% vote in favor of Democrat Doug Jones. In the year of 2017, women’s voices have never been so important. We are the ones who elect officials and it’s about time they listen to the things we want, whether it’s health insurance for our children or being able to regulate our own damn bodies. It’s time for

us to be heard. That is probably why a record number of women are considering running for office. So as we welcome the New Year, be thankful for the women who organized the marches in January, who knitted the pussy hats. Be thankful for the women who have come forward with their sexual abuse stories and have taken down industry giants, and be most thankful for Tarana Burke for creating the phrase of a generation for women who come together to heal and empower one another. 2017 saw women saying to the world that they will be heard, respected, and treated equally. I cannot wait to see what we do in 2018, ladies.

Lauren Jesus lives on Long Island, New York. She graduated from The Art Institute of Pittsburgh with a BA in Graphic Design. Part of the Beutiful team, Lauren also creates artwork and freelances. You can see her work at www.laurenjohnsondesigns.com! You can also read more about Lauren here!

#Pressured Every year, BuzzFeed participates in an amazing event called

Body Positivity Week - an entire week dedicated to “exploring and

celebrating bodies and our often complicated relationships with them.” During Body Positivity Week, BuzzFeed covers topics like illness

and disability, fitness, body dysmorphia and eating disorders, self-

expression through physical means, and media representations and misconceptions about bodies.

One of the amazing projects featured during Body Positivity Week was a photo project that asked people, “What body image pressures do you feel?” Here are their responses - I’m sure we can all relate.

Photo Credit: David J. Bertozzi

LOSING OUR IDOLS TO THEIR MISOGYNY

By Erin Miller, Beutiful

I’m not the best at keeping up with celebrity gossip; it’s hard enough for me to focus on real current world events. Therefore, I was a little late to the party finding out that Jesse Lacey was one of the rash of famous men accused of sexual harassment. When I did, however, it kicked off a maelstrom inside me, a storm that has not abated.

By this point in my life, though, I considered Brand New my second favorite band (tied with Saves the Day), and their music and lyrics really spoke to me. The characters in the band’s lyrics wrestled with losing their faith in a religious family, losing and finding love, worrying about their place in the world, and real questions that I, too, dealt with. I felt less alone listening to their music, and they were a truly collaborative band, one of the few to avoid lineup changes and drama. I respected them both as players and writers, and I kept them in a special, hallowed place in my heart. They were literary and dark, their mythology challenging me to think more about my own feelings and writing. When accusations against Harvey Weinstein and later other actors surfaced, I read the victims’ accounts with horror, but, unfortunately, not surprise. While everyone knows that powerful men have a tendency to feel entitled to whatever or whoever they want, it’s much different knowing the details. I guess I had been lucky that no one whose work I cared 52

deeply about was initially accused, and I figured none of the bands I liked were big enough to have the sort of power that corrupted. Full disclosure: I am the type of person who believes the accusers over the accused every time. Though I know there are cases of false reports, accusing a famous man without any validity is a fool’s errand.

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Before November 28, I had been happily digesting Brand New’s latest album, Science Fiction, a fitting summation of their career, and bemoaning the fact that I hadn’t been able to get tickets to their show in Brooklyn because, again, I had been too late finding out about it. I’m not going to claim that I was a fan from the beginning: I’ll admit that I didn’t get into them until The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me. Though I love emo punk pop music, I never really cared that much about their contribution to the scene back then.

On a more personal level, reading the article in Rolling Stone about frontman Jesse Lacey’s crimes hit me hard. I was at work, and I had only searched for Brand New to see if they had added any more dates near me. I never expected to see anything like that.

After finishing the article, I stopped listening to Science Fiction and sat in silence, even shedding a few tears. That reaction may seem silly; after all, I don’t know any of the people in the band personally. The only thing I know about them is their body of work, music that helped me grow up, music that helped me through depression and anxiety. Music that made me want to be a better writer. Eventually,

I posted the article on Facebook without a caption and went back to work. There was nothing for me to say about it. Until this article, I’ve found it hard to articulate my feelings. Their music made me feel they were so much better than they are. Though Lacey is the only one accused of sexual harassment at this time, the other band members knew about his actions and covered it up.

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I’ve read several articles about Lacey’s betrayal of his fans and the scene. The two women who have come forward have detailed how he met them at shows and groomed them sexually when they were underage. He used his power and talent to manipulate young women for his sexual gratification. He betrayed his talent as a writer, cheapening his own success by making it seem that he only cared about using women as objects. Even his apology on Facebook, the forum where his crimes had first come to light, comes off as insincere. Can there really be an apology for behavior such as that?

In the weeks following this revelation, the main question I’ve been struggling with is how to reconcile my love of Brand New with my feelings as a feminist. When I started writing this article, I finally broke my own ban on listening to their music. I wanted to see how I felt, and I still like it, though I feel guilty now that I know it seduced and betrayed other women.

Photo Credit: Siddharth Bhogra

Losing Our Idols To Their Misogyny, cont’d

I can’t abandon work that has meant so much to me just like that, but it has made me reevaluate some of their songs. Deja Entendu, their most popular album, has several lyrics that discuss Lacey’s taking advantage of drunk girls at shows, and while before I had assumed that he was drunk, too, now I’m not so sure. It seems as though he didn’t try very hard to hide his proclivities and maybe felt like he deserved to pay for his crimes, but he hasn’t yet. Is it possible to enjoy the music of men who treat women abominably? I’m still not sure. I feel uncomfortable listening to their songs now, but as I mentioned, I can’t just pretend that their songs never spoke to me. I never had a crush on Lacey, but I can see how some of his younger fans would. He always came off as kind of a jerk to me, which is why I’m glad I never met him. But being a jerk and being a rapist are two different things.

Photo Credit: Free Stocks

Sometimes I think I’d feel better if he went to jail for what he’s done, but there are some things you can’t unknow, and listening to Brand New will always be a little bittersweet for me now. I wish he hadn’t hurt those women, and I hope he does go through a trial. But as for what I feel about Brand New, I really don’t know.

Erin Miller is a writer living in New York City, and passionate about feminism and social issues. She is currently working on several novels and is interested in creating diverse and complex characters. If you’d like to get in touch with Erin, you can email her here!

Photo Credit: Mike Wilson

POPCORN IS STILL

MY KRYPTONITE

By Jackie Bluzer, Beutiful After the current foray of superhero movies, I wished I could fly in a streak, flex my strength, and do the time bend a la “Matrix.” It occurred to me after watching “Thor: Ragnarok” that I do have a super power, which does not include the cool suit, but that’s okay. As I watched the movie I shoveled the popcorn; snatching hand after handful. After 20 years, I can avoid bingeing, but popcorn is my kryptonite. The compulsive action; hand to mouth, is almost impossible to stop. It reminds me of the days when I felt those intense out-of-control feelings. There were many weeks, and months when I could not stop. This sobering reminder made me realize that my eating disorder is not gone but lurking in the background like a flashback. Two weeks ago, I went for a colonoscopy. Not eating for 24 hours had me all wound up and anxious. I tried to focus on the thereafter, and consuming a huge cinnamon raisin bagel with egg salad. For anyone that has not gone through the preparation, it is ghastly. I did get the reward in the end, but it was another reminder of how much “food” still plays a role in my consciousness; it scares me.

It was so miraculous for years knowing the clothes from the previous season would fit. I was able to reconcile with being a comfortable 8, but a size 10

Return to the epiphany, and my superpower. I made a conscious decision to force my hand out of the popcorn bag. After a minute or two, I forgot about it. When I left the movie, it occurred to me how amazing it was to put it aside and concentrate on the movie. Popcorn is the only food that grabs my compulsion and turns on the eating machine. Please don’t equate this with “will power” or the lack thereof. It was the ability to distract myself long enough to mind-bend from the popcorn to the movie.

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Over the last 2 years I went from a size 6 to 10. My rationalization; I am older, and I must eat less and exercise more to maintain my weight. I am already programed to eat one slice of bread on a sandwich, ask for salad dressing on the side, no dessert, avoid starchy vegetables, fried foods and on it goes. I am back to hanging up my pants after washing to avoid shrinkage in the dryer.

has me back on the edge. Again, I have two sizes of pants in my closet and it is unsettling.

I was able to use my super power again. I was out to dinner with friends at a pre-fixe dinner. The dessert came, and I was able to take 2 forkfuls of carrot cake. I realized it did not have the power to draw me back as I used my shield of resistance. In truth, cake does not shake me up as much as chocolate chip cookies. I am trying to replace, I was “good” with healthy and negate the concept of “bad.” It is true that superheroes will risk their lives to rescue others, but there is nobility in liberating your “self.” Anyone that has battled an eating disorder realizes the peril of denial. Not unlike many superheroes, my power evolved over time. Some don’t realize they have a unique ability, but it presents itself when essential. It seems like a movie moment when I can defeat the notorious food magnet once again.

Jackie Bluzer is a writer, illustrator and poet who has written for publications both in print and online. She has also been an editor for online magazines, as well as illustrated books for publication. If you’d like to get in touch with Jackie, you can email her here!

Illustration: Jackie Bluzer

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