2 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 3
4 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 5
VOL. 45 | NO. 10 | DECEMBER 25, 2024-JANUARY 7, 2025
EDITORIAL
News & Views Feedback ............................. 10 News .................................... 12 Shea sounds off ................... 18
Editor in Chief - Lee DeVito Managing Editor - Dave Mesrey Investigative Reporter - Steve Neavling
ADVERTISING Associate Publisher - Jim Cohen
Cover Story
Regional Sales Director - Danielle Smith-Elliott
Darude.................................. 21
Advertising Account Executive - Jeff Nutter
NYE guide ............................ 22
Sales Administration - Kathy Johnson Account Manager, Classifieds - Josh Cohen
BUSINESS/OPERATIONS
What’s Going On Things to do this week ........ 26
Business Support Specialist - Josh Cohen
CREATIVE SERVICES Creative Director - Haimanti Germain
Music Same Eyes ........................... 30
Graphic Designer - Aspen Smit
DETROIT METRO TIMES P.O. Box 20734
Food Best Bites of 2024 ................. 32
Ferndale, MI 48220 metrotimes.com
GOT A STORY TIP OR FEEDBACK?
Culture Arts ...................................... 36
tips@metrotimes.com or 313-202-8011
Film ...................................... 38
WANT TO ADVERTISE WITH US?
The Straight Dope............... 40
QUESTIONS ABOUT CIRCULATION?
Savage Love ........................ 44 Horoscopes .......................... 46
313-961-4060
GET SOCIAL: @metrotimes
DETROIT DISTRIBUTION Detroit Metro Times is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader
Verified Audit Member
BIG LOU HOLDINGS Digital Operations Coordinator - Elizabeth Knapp Chief Financial Officer - Guillermo Rodriguez Chief Executive Officer - Chris Keating
National Advertising - Voice Media Group
On the cover:
Courtesy photo
Printed on recycled paper Printed By
6 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
248-620-2990
1-888-278-9866 vmgadvertising.com
Copyright: The entire contents of the Detroit Metro Times are copyright 2024 by Big Lou Holdings, LLC. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited. The publisher does not assume any liability for unsolicited manuscripts, materials, or other content. Any submission must include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. All editorial, advertising, and business correspondence should be mailed to the address listed below. Prior written permission must be granted to Metro Times for additional copies. Metro Times may be distributed only by Metro Times’ authorized distributors and independent contractors. Subscriptions are available by mail inside the U.S. for six months at $80 and a yearly subscription for $150. Include check or money order payable to: Metro Times Subscriptions, P.O. Box 20734, Ferndale, MI, 48220. (Please note: Third Class subscription copies are usually received 3-5 days after publication date in the Detroit area.) Most back issues obtainable for $7 prepaid by mail.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 7
8 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 9
NEWS & VIEWS Feedback Metro Times columnist Bill Shea and one of our readers got into a spirited debate on Facebook over Shea’s column on why Dan Gilbert and General Motors might demolish the Renaissance Center, “Mom! The Billionaires Need More Money! Again!” (Dec. 18, 2024) “Absurd oversimplification by the Metro Times on the topic of development incentives,” wrote MT reader Leighton George Jr. “Shocker. In addition to excluding the fact that Detroit has the highest commercial property tax rates … in the nation. Not an exaggeration. Mega-projects, which already have razor-thin margins, cost more to build and operate in Detroit than in Chicago or San Francisco. Quit bitching about these development incentives and direct your ire at the draconian taxes that make them necessary in the first place. “But the Metro Times will keep flinging half-baked headlines as red meat for their most passionate, least informed audience. Including those who ignorantly conflate Gilbert’s Bedrock as having any overlap whatsoever with the universally known shitty development record of Illitch’s (sic) Olympia. “There’s a new, 685-foot tall skyscraper in the heart of downtown. Some actually think the city and its tax base would be better off with the 60ft hole in the ground that previously occupied that location for 20 years.” Shea replied, “The ruling class always has its foot soldiers willing to defend public handouts to the wealthiest people in human history, doesn’t it?” George shot back, “Society will always have those who fancy themselves as the edgy objectors while lazily not bothering with the pesky details, won’t it?” “Nothing edgy,” Shea said. “I’m keenly aware of the details, and was there when those details were born. Suggesting one of the wealthiest men in human history needs public handouts for a luxury project from a city that still remains filled with poverty is moral and intellectual bankruptcy. Peddling Cato Institute bilge about tax rates is feeble, obscene piffle. These are oligarchs, and if the market cannot support their recreational cronyism projects, then as Milton Friedman’s faithful followers, they should abandon the effort rather than seek handouts.” George wasn’t through. “All that ivory tower-styled drivel and the
10 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
guy doesn’t even understand [the] difference between a TIF or a tax exemption or brownfield redevelopment versus the delivery of a pallet of cash to a billionaire’s driveway. Childish virtue-signaling. But good for the white guy from Ohio who lives in Key West. Way to take a stand for the poor folks you insinuate you give a shit about.” “My man, that’s my name on the story,” Shea responded. “I literally spent 13 years writing about the DDA and its myriad TIFF districts that capture school, park and other taxes, and handing them to the wealthy. I have forgotten more than you’ll ever know about how things are financed using tax handouts and tax breaks, the brownfields, etc. I know how the shell game works. I know all the principals involved. I lived and worked for many
years downtown, and live just over 8 Mile now. Dude, you couldn’t be more fucking wrong. But none of that matters because the bottom-line point remains: Gilbert and GM do not need incentives, and by granting them every goddamn times, these are opportunity costs lost to improve the lives of Detroiters and instead ensuring obscenely rich people are granted special treatment so they can continue to avoid paying their fair share of taxes in a city starved of them. And they especially do not need subsidies and breaks for vanity projects while making threats. They will do these things without bribes. Quit bootlicking the ruling class. They do not give a fuck if you live or die. And at least I have virtue to signal rather than trying to show the lords of the manor that you enjoy the taste of their boot leather.” For the full conversation, check out Metro Times on Facebook. Sound off: letters@metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 11
NEWS & VIEWS
Ruthless Pro Wrestling took over the Gaelic League Irish American Club in January 2023, an event that signaled ongoing debate between members about the direction of the Irish heritage landmark. GAELIC LEAGUE
Corktown’s Gaelic League under investigation for alleged financial misconduct Outgoing president Aline Daniel laments the Irish American club’s “abysmal recordkeeping and poor practices,” calls for greater accountability
In a hall where weddings, christenings, and eulogies have taken place were now remnants of chaos. Even blood could be spotted in the aftermath of an unlikely event at the Gaelic League of Detroit Irish American Club in the same room where a children’s Irish dance class was scheduled the next day. Yet the 104-year-old Corktown fraternal organization and membersonly watering hole had been booked by Ohio-based Ruthless Pro Wrestling, a company known for face-offs by “Hoodfoot” Mo Atlas and “The Carnivore” Remington Rhor. A January 2023 social media post by Ruthless promoted the event at the Gaelic League, 2068 Michigan Ave., requesting $25 admission and declaring “THIS TIME IT’S WAR.” For decades the building hosted poets, artists, and singers, including the internationally renowned Mary Black, activist Bernadette Devlin, and political leader Gerry Adams, so sweaty wrestlers in its venerated hall might have foreshadowed current strife: Whether from booking events or from bar tabs, money appears to be at the root of discord and outright hostility between longtime patrons of Detroit’s oldest local Irish heritage organization. Several members who anonymously spoke
with Metro Times expressed concern about the institution’s future. A Michigan State Police spokesperson confirms an ongoing investigation into alleged misconduct by unnamed Gaelic League members. While MSP declines to provide details, Metro Times has obtained a statement from the president addressing the general body of about 2,500 primarily Irish American Club patrons. “First and foremost, I would like to point out that under the ‘Aims and Objectives’ portion of the bylaws, it states: ‘To make a commitment to protect and keep the GL/ IAC of Detroit financially solvent,’” writes Aline Daniel, whose term as president ends Dec. 31. The annual St. Patrick’s Day parade is Corktown’s most celebrated event and the most lucrative occasion for Detroit’s Irish pubs, including the Gaelic League, but Daniel’s communication details problems related to the League’s latest participation and coordination with other businesses. “On parade day 2024,” she writes, “several revealing things happened, the first of which was that we hired outside security and implemented better, safer and more efficient protocols for collecting moneydrops from all the bars and satellite bars. This resulted in significantly more (thousands) monies collected this year than the typical intake reported on this busy day in past years. “Another result was that a prominent GL member was caught twice by the security
12 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
company … stuffing money into their purse and pockets. The security company was adamant that the police be contacted, but board members in attendance dissuaded me from doing so. To be clear, I did not call the police then or ever.” Daniel declined comment when contacted by Metro Times. Metro Times also attempted to interview about a half-dozen past or current Gaelic League board officers, including Kathleen O’Neill, who begins her term as new president in 2025. O’Neill and others either could not be reached or declined requests for comment. Daniel’s letter urges the newly elected board and general Club members to preserve the organization’s future by exercising greater accountability than during her 2024 tenure. “As the year went on,” the statement adds, “more evidence of chaos, accounting irregularities and poor practices came to light, along with multiple reports of additional thefts, by eyewitnesses. It was obviously my fiduciary duty to do my best to address this messy ship. I was met at every turn with resistance, hostility and physical threats. I was called a liar on multiple occasions, told to ‘F’ off, accused of racism and sexual harassment, and called the ‘C’ and ‘B’ words to my face. “These are not the actions of people who simply don’t know how to do things correctly. These are the actions of people who do not want to do things correctly. It is obvious to wonder if this slipshod, abysmal
record-keeping and insistence on dealing on a cash-only basis are, in fact, a smoke screen for more personal benefit. This is why you are now under investigation.” Reportedly, following St. Patrick’s Day, the installment of surveillance cameras in the Gaelic League’s bar and cash register area became a source of further conflict between members. Then in September, the results of a forensic audit conducted by the UHY Advisors Great Lakes accounting firm raised additional concerns that were shared with the body. The audit report notes the “cost of goods sold has fluctuated dramatically over the last six years (2018–2023), compared to the sales revenue,” despite consistent bar prices. The cost of goods sold is a factor that encompasses fees associated with generating a product for consumption. “Bar sales typically account for 90 percent of the annual inventory sales,” reads the UHY report. “The cost of goods sold fluctuation is problematic, given that the League’s bar prices appear to have been relatively consistent … In general, high cost of goods sold percentages for bar operations are often indicative of poor accounting controls and problems of cash skimming, inventory shrinkage from over-pours, theft of products, and unreported revenue.” The accounting firm, UHY, also noted concerns related to payment of Gaelic League of Detroit Irish American Club membership dues. Anyone in the community may join the Irish American Club, which allows admission to the bar and drinking privileges, but Gaelic League induction requires two years of Irish American Club membership, volunteer community service hours, documentation of Irish heritage, and a formal vote of approval by Gaelic League members, plus payment of annual fees. UHY writes: “We analyzed annual membership dues revenue, as reported in the annual profit and loss report … Dues per the ‘GL IA Membership’ spreadsheet were consistently more than the amounts reported in the profit and loss for every year except 2023. This may indicate active members have not paid dues, or misappropriations of cash, or poor recordkeeping.” The accounting firm’s final recommendations to the League include more diligent financial recording, supervision of inventory, and development of written procedures, in order to maintain federal tax-exempt status as a nonprofit, and eligibility to receive grants. A more immediate fear of some members is that, after 104 years, their extended family might no longer match a creed displayed on its website: “We welcome all (Irish and Americans) who maintain our mission to preserve and promote the Irish culture, camaraderie, goodwill and the League’s history within the Detroit and international community.” —By Eddie B. Allen Jr.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 13
Michigan Democrats blasted for abandoning undocumented immigrants at last minute
Michigan lawmakers plan to go on break without passing legislation to allow undocumented immigrants to obtain a driver’s license.
Democrats appear to have reneged on a pledge to pass legislation that would allow undocumented immigrants the ability to obtain a driver’s license, drawing strong criticism from supporters of the bills. Instead of taking up the Drive SAFE bills this week, the Democratic-led House is planning to adjourn for the year. When state representatives return in January, Republicans will have control of the House after their election victories in November, effectively dooming any chance for the initiative’s revival. The Drive Michigan Forward coalition, a group of activists, civic organizations, unions, and businesses that championed the legislation, expressed outrage. The coalition cited broken promises from Democratic leaders, including Speaker Joe Tate, Senate Majority Leader Winnie Brinks, and Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, who had committed to advancing the legislation. “Their irresponsible and ineffective leadership in this fight has left immigrant families exposed and without the protections that come with a license — a betrayal of the promises they made to the communities that secured them the Democratic trifecta,” the coalition said in a statement. “When the stakes are this high, inaction is a choice whose consequences will be felt
by the community that placed Speaker Tate, Senate Majority Leader Brinks, and Governor Whitmer in a position to act. Michigan needs strong leadership to advance Democratic priorities, especially as immigrant communities face increasing uncertainty from the incoming Trump administration, which has vowed to separate families from their communities.” When Democrats took control of the state Legislature in January 2023 for the first time in decades, they vowed to restore driver’s license access to undocumented residents — a right revoked in 2008. Lawmakers hailed the Drive SAFE bills as a cornerstone of their agenda, emphasizing public safety, economic stability, and fairness for Michigan’s nearly 700,000 immigrants. “Our legislation will finally allow all Michiganders to engage in our economy, have access to basic freedoms, and do so with the guarantee of safety,” Rep. Abraham Aiyash, D-Hamtramck, said during a press conference in March 2023. The proposed legislation had broad support from law enforcement, businesses, unions, and 54% of Michigan voters. Advocates pointed to studies showing that unlicensed drivers are involved in a disproportionate number of fatal crashes. Neighboring states like
14 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
Utah have successfully implemented similar laws, demonstrating bipartisan benefits to public safety and community trust. Yet, despite months of lobbying and assurances from leadership, the bills never made it to a vote. Activists accuse Democrats of dragging their feet and prioritizing less controversial measures. For Michigan’s immigrant communities, the failure to pass the Drive SAFE bills is not just a political setback but a daily hardship. Undocumented residents rely on driving to access work, school, and medical care, often risking arrest or deportation in the process. “As Michigan’s lame-duck session ends, the repercussions of inaction will impact our communities for years,” the coalition said in a statement. “Families remain vulnerable, public safety is eroded, and economic opportunities are wasted.” The Drive SAFE bills had been introduced five times in the past, only to face Republican obstruction. This year was supposed to be different, with Democrats controlling both chambers and the governor’s office. Instead, they walked away from the initiative, leaving immigrant families vulnerable to ongoing hardships. Activists say the Drive SAFE bills represented a rare opportunity for
SHUTTERSTOCK / NAGEL PHOTOGRAPHY
Michigan to lead on immigration issues at a time when federal policies remain stalled. The coalition highlighted the bipartisan support such measures have received in other states, including Utah, California, and New York. “Working families across Michigan have had each other’s back through crisis after crisis,” the coalition said. “Now we need the Democratic majority to do the same by taking action that makes a lasting difference for regular people.” As the lame-duck session ends, the political landscape in Lansing shifts dramatically. When lawmakers return in January, Republican control will almost certainly bury any chance of revisiting the issue. Activists and community leaders warn that the consequences of inaction will ripple for years to come, affecting public safety, economic growth, and trust in government. For now, immigrant families in Michigan remain in a precarious position, with no clear path forward. The Drive Michigan Forward coalition vows to continue its fight but acknowledges the steep uphill battle ahead under Republican leadership. “Our communities are watching closely, and we won’t forget who looked out for us and who didn’t,” the coalition said. —Steve Neavling
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 15
WISHING YOU ALL A SAFE & JOYFUL HOLIDAY SEASON! WE ARE OPEN ON ALL HOLIDAYS VISIT US ON GAME DAY DRINK SPECIALS BEFORE & AFTER HOME GAMES ONE MILE FROM STADIUMS / MINUTES FROM QLINE / FREE STREET PARKING ON SUNDAYS
Wed 12/25
Wed 1/01
CHRISTMAS DAY
NEW YEAR’S DAY
Fri 12/27
*NEW WEEKLY EVENT* OFF THE RAILS TRIVIA HOSTED BY THE PAZMASTER
OPEN NOON-2AM
HOWARD GLAZER & FRIENDS WSG RALPH KOZIARSKI/ COCKTAIL SHAKE (DETROIT BLUES/ROCK’N’ROLL/SOUL)
DOORS@9P/$5COVER
OPEN NOON-2AM
8PM / NO COVER Thurs 1/02
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEX MCINTYRE!
Sat 12/28
LADYSHIP WARSHIP/ BLUEFLOWERS/ HILLBILLY KNIFE FIGHT
Fri 1/03
DOORS@9P/$10COVER
DOORS@9P/$5COVER
Mon 12/30
Mon 1/06
FREE POOL ALL DAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHARLIE O!
FREE POOL ALL DAY
(STONER ROCK/ALT-ROCK/PUNK)
Tues 12/31 NYE: OPEN NOON-4AM
ANNUAL NYE DANCE PARTY DIVAS VS DIVAS LADY DJ’S ON THE 90’S & 00’S JULIE & DAN IN ATTENDANCE DOORS@9P/$10COVER
CHAMPAGNE TOAST @MIDNIGHT
CONNOR LYNCH/A-GO-GO/ LONGSTAIRS/CHECKER (ALT-COUNTRY/INDIE ROCK/GARAGE)
Coming Up: WEDNESDAYS@8pm: Off The Rails Trivia w/ The Pazmaster 1/10 Leroy/BMcC Jamboree/Brian T. McCosky 1/11 DIVAS vs DIVAS (monthly dance party) 1/17 Icarus Fell/One Less Compromise/Local Man 1/18 Ten Peso Version/Blue Boy/Sancho 1/24 Porn Cursive/URLNOTFOUND/BirdHair 1/26 ROBBY ROB’s OFFBEAT KARAOKE 2/01 LUGEFEST:Frozen Spirits Festival 2/03 THE OLD MIAMI TURNS 45! 2/09 Super Bowl Sunday Party 3/01 4th ANNUAL BARFLY AWARDS
BOOK YOUR PARTIES: theoldmiamibarevents@gmail.com OLD MIAMI T-SHIRTS & HOODIES FOR SALE!
16 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 17
NEWS & VIEWS Shea sounds off
Beer & Loafing in Key West, where two Michigan literary giants fished, boozed, and chased Hemingway By Bill Shea
It’s cold in metro Detroit, alternat-
ing between drizzle and snow flurries, and occasionally a low winter sun that’s right in your goddamn eyes no matter what time of day you’re driving. The sky is mostly the grim leaden blue-gray of a corpse pulled from a river. It’s soul crushing, particularly after Christmas. That’s why in this time of spiritual malaise my thoughts drift south. In fact, about 1,200 miles south to the city of Key West, Florida. My winter dreams are a sticky, humid reverie far from slush and road salt. If you’ve known me for more than thirty seconds, then you know of my undying affection for Key West, that degenerate subtropical outpost that’s literally at the end of the highway. For a century, the four-square-mile island at the western tip of the Florida Keys has beckoned writers, artists, drifters, dreamers, oddballs, eccentrics, freaks, villains, cranks, the lost and the broken … but also an endless procession of sweaty dipshit tourists disgorged like porcine cattle from gargantuan environment-ruining cruise ships. And worse, there are now a lot of rich assholes that have sent real-estate prices soaring to Manhattan levels. While Key West to the naked, untrained eye appears to be just a floating T-shirt shop and alcoholic playground not much different than the sunburned tourist traps along Florida’s Redneck Riviera, it boasts a literary pedigree that rivals Paris or New York — with a hearty dash of Michigan in the mix. Most famously, former Northern Michigan summer resident Ernest Hemingway lived on the island in the 1930s, and many of his most famous works were written in Key West. Today, his former house on Whitehead Street is a museum that’s home to fifty-some adorable six-toed cats. But Papa Hemingway isn’t the island’s
Duval Street is both the spine and urethra of Key West.
only literary Michigan connection. In the 1970s, a group of writers and artists congregated in Key West to fish, fight, fuck, fulminate, and get outrageously wasted on booze and drugs. Two of that clique’s central figures were Jim Harrison and Thomas McGuane, Michiganders and MSU grads who crafted brilliant literature. The rest of their tropical Algonquin Round Table included singer and writer Jimmy Buffett, novelist and poet Richard Brautigan, painter Russell Chatham, sportsman and filmmaker Guy de la Valdéne, and later the Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson. Last year, a documentary about their Key West exploits called All That Is Sacred debuted and is free now on YouTube. The fishing footage, taken from the ’70s film Tarpon that’s the root of the documentary, is stunning. McGuane and Harrison are its stars. It’s criminal that they’re not more widely read. Both have been Paris Review Art of Fiction interviewees. Only McGuane, who turned 85 early this month, remains from that extraordinary group. Born in Wyandotte, he earned his MSU English degree in 1962, by which time he’d befriended Harrison. A friendship, built around adventure and literature, endured until Harrison died at age 78 in 2016. McGuane’s early madcap novels The Sporting Club and The Bushwhacked Piano are set, at least in part, in Michigan. Perhaps his most famous work, which he also directed the 1975 movie adaptation of, was Ninety-two in the Shade. McGuane later moved to Montana to write about the vast and rich Big Sky country, leaving behind his swashbuckling island days that earned him the nickname “Captain Berserko.” A renowned cattle rancher and
18 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
horseman, he still writes occasionally for The New Yorker. It was the burly gourmand and outdoorsman Harrison, born in Grayling and blinded in one eye by a childhood playmate, that found more mainstream success with 1979 novella Legends of the Fall that was later adapted into a 1994 Brad Pitt-Anthony Hopkins film. The craggy Harrison looked like anything but a deeply intellectual poet and novelist that effortlessly and often quoted the likes of early 20th-century German poet Rainer Maria Rilke and 13th-century Japanese Zen Buddhist monk Dōgen. His unique, gruff voice was impossible to forget and just as easily given to bawdy jokes. Jack Nicholson and Anthony Bourdain loved him. Harrison’s works are sacred homages to life and nature, with many novels set in upper Michigan and written between drags on American Spirit cigarettes, glasses of Domaine Tempier Bandol red wine, and amid lavish feasts and barking dogs. His witty food writing is sumptuous. He died at his desk, pen trailing off midpoem, in his Patagonia cabin — a genuine goddamned legend of all seasons. Key West was also home, or favored getaway, to a who’s-who of American letters: Tennessee Williams, Shel Silverstein, John Hersey, Robert Frost, Elizabeth Bishop, Richard Wilbur, Wallace Stevens, Philip Caputo, and Detroit-born writer James Leo Herlihy. And today, the beloved Judy Blume still runs Books & Books at Eaton and Simonton streets. Many of the writers, the Michigan writers in particular, stumbled along Duval Street, the spine and urethra of Key West that’s lined with the bars, shops, tattoo parlors, a Margaritaville, and art galleries
SHUTTERSTOCK / XBRCHX
(including that of nautical painter Robert Wyland, the Madison Heights-born artist best known here for the giant whale mural visible outside of Comerica Park). Ballcaps and T-shirts of Michigan sports teams are common sights on the island. You can do most anything in Key West: Drink at a Denny’s with a full goddamn bar, smoke shitty legal weed, eat your weight in fresh seafood, swim and sail, fish, party all night with rowdy drag queens (it’s a famous LGBTQ safe haven), or even fly to Cuba for a daytrip. If you want to experience a measure of Key West’s old days that attracted Harrison and McGuane and the other writers, you can find it preserved in the dingy little Chart Room Bar, the stillbeating heart of a vanished era. It’s steps off Duval, but I’m not going to tell you the exact location because I don’t want this unspoiled slice of the past to become overrun with tourists. If you have the right kind of eyes, you’ll find it. Unlike Michigan, it’s never snowed in Key West. It’s often hot, but the gentle Gulf breezes swaying the palms offer an almost orgasmic relief for one’s damp skin and drowsy soul. The locals call it a sunny place for shady people. I call it my second home, my grubby paradise found. Come visit sometime (no direct flights from Detroit, unfortunately). Bring a pen and paper if the spirit moves you — just don’t be an asshole. Sign up for Bill Shea’s free, dolphin-safe, hand-crafted, artisanal, American-made, gluten-free, free-range, small-batch, unexpurgated, openly biased, middleaged radical pinko Beatnik essay site at billshea.com.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 19
Captain’s Christmas
The regional sold out ‘Best Seller’ Pirate’s Guide to Lake St. Clair & Surrounding Waters® in partnership with Amazon.com has released a special “Collector’s Edition.” Now available on line. A Complete boating guide and directory from Bob-Lo to the Blue Water Bridge, both U.S. and Canadian shorelines. Aerial harbor photographs, restaurants, saloons, cities, towns, fishing, emergency radio and much, much more. The perfect gift.
“Don’t leave the dock without it!”
-Captain John Walker
“Simply the Best”!
Captain/Owner Pat Hinsby multi-year Bayview/Mackinaw racer of the legendary 52’ off shore sloop ‘Tarmara’
A 64 page short story book Pirate’s Guide to Lake St. Clair & Surrounding Waters-WATERLINES® in partnership with Amazon.com also available in paperback, Kindle and e-book LIVE formats. ley
ad Bill Br
Amazon KDP editorial board has reviewed and accepted for its new global publishing platform Kindle ‘Vella’ a four episode Lake St. Clair ‘Thriller’ Death Watch now available at the KDP Vella on line site. LIVE The first three episodes are Free!! Order now!
111722
Lake St. Clair —The heart of the Great Lakes 20 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
ENTERan
Legendary Finnish DJ Darude returns to the Motor City to ring in the new year at Elektricity By Hobey Echlin
m d n Sa
Twenty-five years later, MT’s Hobey Echlin reflects on the enduring power of “Sandstorm.”
“‘S
andstorm’ is a track that, to some people, defines me,” Darude says. “To me, it doesn’t.” After all, how was the Finnish DJ/ producer, born Toni-Ville Henrik Virtanen and nicknamed “Rude Boy” (Da Rude) for playing a track of the same name early in his DJ career, to
know that his first hit would become one of electronic music’s biggest over the last 25 years, racking up hundreds of millions of streams — even after it had been out for over a decade before streaming was even a thing? With its Morse-code 16th-note synth riffs, reportedly from the, ahem, “sand
COURTESY PHOTO
storm” preset on a Roland JP-808 (a go-to keyboard of the late ’90s), “Sandstorm” is the very definition of an earworm, framed as it is by its hands-in-the-air strings and cliffhanger dropouts. It’s everything uplifting and dramatic about the trance (techno and house’s more Eurocentric, euphoric,
dramatic cousin), made even more remarkable given its relatively simple beginnings. The story goes that Darude had worked up a demo version in his modest home studio, then fleshed it out with Finnish producer JS16 in an equally modest studio on an Atari computer. In the era of CD burning and ripping, the track was an immediate and categoric smash, played by more accomplished trance DJs like Paul Van Dyk and inspiring endless remixes — official and unofficial (“all the way to the potato flute version,” Darude quips), and still serves as the reference point for an entire genre of high-energy commercial music. (Commercials for the new “Dexter” origin story series airing now, for instance, use a track clearly inspired by “Sandstorm.”) The track is still a centerpiece of Darude’s live show, but, he insists, it’s certainly not the whole show. Headlining at last month’s Dreamstate festival in L.A., some fans reported he teased the track for 45 minutes before dropping it. Not quite, but understandable, he says. “I didn’t ‘tease Sandstorm for 45 minutes’,” he says. “But I can see why people would say that. I actually, on purpose, play, one time, fifteen minutes to one hour into a set, an actual ‘Sandstorm’ teaser — just the one. But it’s no huge secret ‘Sandstorm’ is in E minor. I mix harmonically, so often a track or two before ‘Sandstorm’ might be in E minor,” he explains. These days, those tracks are just as likely to be his. “I found from my [2023] Together album tour that there’s a few tracks like ‘Kaleidoscope,’ ‘Alive,’ and ‘In My Dreams’ that fit really well before ‘Sandstorm’,” he explains. “Of course, I never play the same set.” So what can Darude’s Detroit audience expect New Year’s Eve at Elektricity? “It depends on which version of ‘Sandstorm’ I’m playing that night,” he says. “These days I’ve been playing in the 128bpm realm — then jumping straight into the original 136bpm. “I don’t think you’ll be disappointed because I haven’t changed my thinking, my style, and my sort of vibe and energy that much. And if you’re coming to my show for ‘Sandstorm,’ then that’s one more chance for me to show you what I do today.” Darude plays Elektricity on Tuesday, Dec. 31, with Thay, Aledro, Da11as, Elemnt & Klees, Trblmkr, Mike Gunn, and Mushkilla. Show starts at 8 p.m. Elektricity is located at 15 S. Saginaw St., Pontiac. For tickets, visit elektricitymusic.com.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 21
OUR GUIDE TO
e v e s ’ r a e y w ne By MT Staff
00 Bar Nightclub Ring in the New Year in style at 00 Bar & Nightclub, where the energy is unmatched, the vibes are electric, and the countdown will leave you breathless. From 9 p.m.-2 a.m.; 00 Bar Nightclub, 208 W. 5th Ave., Royal Oak; eventbrite. com; $50-$75. 526 Main and Tequila Blue Tickets grant access to both venues, plus buffet, party favors, late night pizza, and more. Two floors of wild entertainment. From 6 p.m.-4 a.m.; 526 S. Main St., Royal Oak; eventbrite.com; $39.95. The Annex Celebrate NYE in extravagant style and be dazzled and entertained by the area’s top DJs, fire breathers, midnight balloon drop, confetti blasts and more! Premium specialty cocktail open bar from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. Dress to impress. From 8 p.m. to 4 a.m.; 24 W Adams Ave, Detroit; eventbrite.com; $35-$1,650. Beverly HIlls Grill Ring in the new year with a delicious chef curated a 5 course menu and champagne!! Reservations only. Experience our elegant white cloth candle lit dinner with a thoughtfully designed menu created by our head chef, Ryan Zagor and Sous chef, Sarah Pastor. On December 31 there will be 3 separate seatings, 5pm, 7:30pm at $100per person and 10pm for $130 per person which includes a complimentary bottle of Veuve Clicquot at midnight!! Seatings at 5 p.m., 7:30 p.m., and 10 p.m. Beverly Hills Grill, 31471 Southfield Rd, Beverly Hills; opentable.com; $100. Big Pink: After Dark Donovan Glover, DJ Killa Squid, Big Pink founder Munch, DJ K Dirty, and DJ Tay Made will be spinning sounds to bring in the new year. A complimentary glass of champagne will be provided with every ticket purchase. From 10 p.m.-4 a.m.; Big Pink, 6440 Wight St., Detroit; ra.co; $35-$57.50.
Bleu Detroit Come join us for the biggest party of the year at Bleu Detroit! Get ready to dance the night away and ring in the new year in style. DJs will be spinning the hottest tracks all night long, so you won’t want to miss out. Grab your friends and get ready for a night to remember at Club Bleu! From 9 p.m.-3 a.m.; Bleu Detroit, 1540 Woodward Ave, Detroit; eventbrite.com; $20-$75. Boogie Fever Celebrate the end of a fantastic year with New Year’s Eve 2025.. Tickets include party favors (while supplies last) and a blow out dance party! From 9 p.m.-1 a.m.; Boogie Fever, 22901 Woodward Ave, Ferndale; eventbrite. com; $20-$350. Bowlero Lanes & Lounge Hit the lanes and enjoy some karaoke while you’re at it with Matt the Millionaire and DJ Eugene Machine. From 9 p.m.-12:30 a.m.; Bowlero Lanes & Lounge, 4209 Coolidge Hwy., Royal Oak; bowlerodetroit.com. No cover. Cadieux Cafe: The East Side of Detroit’s Own Mike Skill, of the Romantics New Year’s Eve at the Cadieux Cafe! Mike Skill, of the Romantics, along with Eastside Still Alive. Music starts at 9 p.m. Champagne toast at midnight. Starts 9 p.m.; Cadieux Cafe, 4300 Cadieux Road, Detroit; eventbrite.com; $30. The Daxton Hotel: Casino Royale NYE This James Bond-themed event includes DJs and dancing, live entertainment, VIP booths, and optional discounted overnight rooms. Dress to impress. From 9 p.m.-2 a.m.; The Daxton Hotel, 298 South Old Woodward Ave., Birmingham; eventbrite.com; $99-$2,199. Ages 21+ only.
22 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
The Detroit Club: New Year’s Eve Starry Night Soiree The historic venue will be transformed into an entertaining extravaganza catered with open bar package, casino activities, burlesque and fire dancers, aerialist, live music, cocktails hors d’oeuvres, complete with midnight champagne toast and snacks. Dress to impress in your finest attire and get ready to ring in the new year in style. From 8 p.m.-1 a.m.; The Detroit Club, 712 Cass Avenue, Detroit; eventbrite. com; $150. DraftKings Sports & Social Troy Catch the college playoff football game starting at 8:30 and stay for the New Year countdown! Appetizer, entree, and dessert specials, NYE decor & balloons, champagne toast at midnight, party favors & more. Starts at 8 p.m.; DraftKings Sports & Social Troy, 2850 Coolidge Hwy, Troy; opentable.com; $10-$30. The Eagle/Olympus Theater: TranscenDANCE - Geared for Life New Year’s Eve Geared For Life’s Annual New Year’s event brings together Detroit’s queer community for a much needed evening of music, dance, love, art and rebellion. Music by ANTI, TYLR__, Auntie Chanel, Garrison XR, and Ashton Swinton. From 10 p.m.-6 a.m.; The Eagle/Olympus Theater, 940 W. McNichols Rd, Detroit; zeffy.com; $35-$50. Eastern Market Brewing Company DJ all night and all-youcan-drink Eastern Market Brewing Company beers. Make this a night to (maybe) remember! From 8 p.m.-1 a.m.; 2515 Riopelle St., Detroit; eventbrite.com; $60. Eastern Palace Club: Happy Endings Last year’s Happy Endings party was a ringing success, so they’re running it back to celebrate the arrival of 2025.
We’ll be going until 3am, NO COVER, balloon drop at midnight, and a proven great time! From 9 p.m.-2 a.m.; Eastern Palace Club, 22634 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; facebook.com. No cover. El Club: KPOP NYE Club Night DJ Chen spins KPOP hits all night while El Club keeps you fed with good food and good company. Soju Shots at midnight, giveaways, prizes, and more. Starts at 9 p.m., El Club, 4114 Vernor Hwy., Detroit; dice.fm; $30 Elektricity: DARUDE Ring in the New Year with a night of unforgettable beats and energy as DARUDE takes over the decks, bringing the legendary “Sandstorm” vibes to Elektricity! From 8 p.m.-4 a.m.; Elektricity, 15 S. Saginaw St., Pontiac; prekindle.com; $20-$30. Epiphany Detroit: New Year’s Eve Harlem Nights Ball Step back in time to the glamour and excitement of the Harlem Renaissance. Comedian Judge Miles will perform during dinner. Open bar, midnight champagne toast, glitz and glamour. Come in your best 1920’s attire. From 8 p.m.-1 a.m; Epiphany Detroit, 10103 Kercheval Ave, Detroit; eventbrite. com; $85. Fort Pontchartrain a Wyndham Hotel: Top of the Pontch Get ready to groove to the smooth sounds of live jazz music while enjoying breathtaking views of the city skyline. Starts at 5 p.m; Fort Pontchartrain Building, 2 Washington Blvd, Detroit; eventbrite.com, $40. Garden Theater: SOUL NIGHT New Year’s Eve Edition Get your furs ready for Soul Night New Year’s Eve edition – not just a party but a mature and alluring experience. As always this is a GROWN and SEXY EVENT. Limited booths are available. From 8 p.m.-2 a.m.; Garden Theater, 3929 Woodward Ave, Detroit; eventbrite. com; $50. The Godfrey: I|O Rooftop Dance the night away, sip on delicious cocktails, and countdown to midnight with friends and loved ones. Don’t miss out on the hottest party in town - see you there! Enjoy a deluxe buffet, welcome cocktail, and a champagne toast. Starts at 9 p.m.; The Godfrey, 1401 Michigan Ave., Detroit; eventbrite.com, $100.
Hotel Saint Regis: The Countdown to 2025 Join hundreds in the Main Ballroom, the Ultra Latin Room produced by Skylin Salsa, and the Ultra Lounge and with music by Detroit’s best DJs. There will be a midnight confetti blast and balloon drop and complimentary midnight food stations. Hotel rooms and suites available. From 9 p.m.-4 a.m.; Hotel St. Regis, 3071 West Grand Boulevard, Detroit; eventbrite.com; $30-$1,200. Legends Gentlemen’s Club Enjoy the beautiful ladies of Legends, plus three floors of entertainment, complimentary sliders at midnight, a champagne toast, and more. From 6 p.m.-4 a.m.; 415 E. Congress St., Detroit; eventbrite.com; $25-$899. Little Caesars Arena: Detroit Red Wings vs. Pittsburgh Penguins The Red Wings usually have a NYE home game; this year sees them take on Sidney Crosby and the Penguins. LGRW! Puck drops at 8 p.m.; Little Caesars Arena, Detroit; ticketmaster.com; varying prices. The Loving Touch: 90’s NYE Dance Party DJ Chaddy Daddy is ready to make you dance your booty off to your favorite 90’s songs! Come dressed for the part and ring in 2025 with us! Starts at 8 p.m.; the Loving Touch, 22700 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; ticketweb.com; $10. The Magic Bag: ’90s vs. ’80s NYE Get your best ’80s or ’90s attire ready for this event, hosted by Class of ’98 and Mega 80’s for a clash of two eras. Starts at 8 p.m., The Magic Bag, 22920 Woodward Ave., ticketweb.com; Ferndale; $30. The Magic Stick: Nicole Moudaber Nicole Moudaber spins a 4 hour set for Magic Stick’s NYE revelers. Fuel up with a slice at Sgt. Pepperoni’s and get ready to dance the night away. From 8 p.m.-4 a.m.; Magic Stick, 4120 Woodward Ave., Detroit; ticketweb.com; $18.75-$25. Marble Bar: An Interdimensional New Year’s With Sadar Bahar, Darwin, Marcellus Pittman, an extended back-to-back from Dannxy Daze and BMG, and more. Get interdimensional. Starts at 8 p.m., Marble Bar, 1501 Holden St., Detroit; ra.co; $43.40-$86.85. Masonic Temple: Resolution Ball Celebrating the 21st Anniversary of De-
troit’s largest and most exclusive Annual New Year’s Eve Party inside The Historic Crystal & Fountain Ballrooms at the Masonic Temple. This Chicago-Vegas Style New Year’s experience has gained a reputation as THE BEST and longest running annual all out New Year’s Eve Bash in Metro Detroit! Don’t Miss the Party Starts at 8 p.m.; Masonic Temple, 500 Temple St., Detroit; eventbrite.com; $40$1,050 Niki’s Lounge: VIP NYE: Where Everyone is VIP Get ready to party with the celebrities and socialites. 3 rooms, 6 DJs, breakfast buffet, free drinks, and a free champagne toast at midnight. From 8 p.m.-2 a.m.; Niki’s Lounge, 735 Beaubien Blvd., Detroit; eventbrite.com; $25-$250. Northern Lights Lounge: Onyx DJ Sets from Amino, Dion Antwon, DonJuan, and Syd. “We are within an ONYX ethos from 9 p.m. until 4 a.m.” Wear shades of black (white is fine.) From 9 p.m.-4 a.m.; Northern Lights Lounge, 660 W. Baltimore St., Detroit; ra.co/events/2049676; $22.50 Oak & Reel Join Oak & Reel on NYE, and ring in the New Year with a 4-course preset menu. Michelin-starred Chef Jared Gadbaw will be serving dishes from his seasonal menu, like homemade pastas, crudo and fresh seafood, as well as holiday specials to choose from. Multiple time slots available; 2921 E. Grand Blvd., Detroit; opentable.com; $138. The Old Miami: Divas vs Divas Cass Corridor’s most enduring dive is throwing its annual NYE dance party, and the ladies are taking over. Divas vs Divas will have Lady DJs spinning all night, with a champagne toast at midnight. Starts 9 p.m. The Old Miami, 3930 Cass Ave, Detroit. $10 cover at the door. Old Shillelagh New year, same favorite bar. Live entertainment on the first floor, DJs and dancing upstairs. A great move if you’re planning on hitting the Red Wings game – they offer a complimentary shuttle to and from the game. Starts 6 p.m. Old Shillelagh, 349 Monroe St, Detroit; oldshillelagh.com. One Mike Detroit: Mic Drop New Year’s Eve Party Dance the night away and countdown to 2025 with live DJs, midnight champagne toast, and exclusive photo opportunities to capture the moment.
Dress to impress. Starts at 9 p.m.; One Mike Detroit, 1331 Broadway St., Detroit; eventnoire.com; $40-$180. Orchid Theatre Ferndale’s essential nightclub Orchid throws a New Year’s bash to remember. Balloon drop, champagne toast, and complimentary late night pizza. Open and serving til’ 4 a.m. From 9 p.m.-4 a.m; Orchid Theatre, 141 W Nine Mile Rd, Ferndale; eventbrite.com; $10-$200. Outer Limits Lounge Keep it local and low-key for NYE at Outer Limits with Detroit bands Werewolf Jones, H8 Mile, Gusher, and more. Starts at 9 p.m.; Outer Limits Lounge, 5507 Caniff St, Detroit. $10 at the door. Parlay Detroit Two separate parties to bring in the new year: Parlay Detroit, located on the main floor (upper level), introducing Hidden (lower level). Small bites, 1 free drink ticket, and a champagne toast are included with all ticket sales. The event will feature a live DJ, delicious food, and a lively atmosphere that you wouldn’t want to miss. NYE at Parlay Detroit and Hidden is the place to be. From 8 p.m.-2 a.m.; Parlay Detroit, 1260 Washington Blvd, Detroit; eventbrite. com; $200-$5,000. Red Door Gallery: Old Soul Vintage Presents... Detroit Rock and Roll Circus ~ New Year’s Eve Ring in the new by embodying the iconic world of The Rolling Stones Rock and Roll Circus -- Detroit style. Please expect... Loud Rock and Roll, clownin’ around + all the merry sights for your delights! 1960s or circus themed dress preferred. From 8 p.m.-2 a.m.; Red Door Gallery, 7500 Oakland Ave, Detroit; eventcreate. com; $20. The Royce Detroit Ring in the new year in style. Join The Royce for a night of music, dancing, and celebration as they welcome in the new year. Open bar, opulent charcuterie spread, and a champagne toast at midnight. From 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.; The Royce Detroit, 76 West Adams Avenue, Detroit, eventbrite.com; $125. Shinola Hotel Shinola Hotel is celebrating 2025 from New Year’s Eve to New Year’s Day with special menus at San Morello and festive drinks at Evening Bar. Chef Andrew Carmellini has curated a celebratory New Year’s Eve dinner with specialties like
Slow Cooked Prime Rib, Roasted Bone Marrow, and Spaghetti al Limone. Evening Bar will be ringing in the New Year speakeasy-style, with signature handcrafted cocktails and elevated bar bites, plus a champagne toast at midnight. San Morello at Shinola Hotel, 1400 Woodward Ave, Detroit; sanmorello.com/ reservations. Soho DJ and dancing, late-night pizza, and champagne toast. Starts at 9 p.m.; Soho, 215 W. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale; eventbrite.com; $10. Sound Board at MotorCity Casino Hotel: Lloyd MotorCity Casino Hotel is proud to welcome LLOYD to Sound Board on Tuesday, Dec 31, 2024-New Year’s Eve 2024. Starts at 8 p.m.; Sound Board at Motor City Casino Hotel, 2901 Grand River Ave, Detroit; ticketmaster.com; $43-$57 Stairway Royal Oak: The Hollywood Glamour New Year’s Eve Spectacular A spectacular celebration filled with electrifying music, delicious drinks, and vibrant energy. Get ready for an evening of glittering glamour, live DJ, and a countdown like no other. Whether you’re dancing the night away or enjoying the incredible ambiance, this is the ultimate way to start the year off with a bang! Dress to impress. From 10 p.m.-2 a.m.; Stairway Royal Oak, 401 South Lafayette Ave #STE 2; eventbrite.com; $10-$450. Stefan’s Banquet Hall: Tribute Experience Presents NYE LIVE Ring In 2025 If 2024 and 2025 aren’t really your bag, take a trip back in time with tribute acts to Neil Diamond, Patsy Cline, and Frank Sinatra. Buffet, 50/50 raffle, and midnight champagne toast. Starts at 7 p.m.; Stefan’s Banquet Hall, 26355 W Chicago Rd, Redford; nyelive2025.bpt.me; $65. TV Lounge Music from Eddie Fowlkes, Gary Chandler, Bruce Bailey, and more. Champagne at midnight, and the kitchen will be open. Dance your ass off into the New Year at Detroit’s iconic EDM nightclub. From 10 p.m.-4 a.m.., TV Lounge, 2548 Grand River Ave., Detroit; ra.co; $22.85$34.30. Willis Show Bar: The At-Will Band This all-inclusive party will provide live music, hors d’oeuvres, a champagne toast, and other surprises. Starts at 9 p.m.; 4156 3rd St., Detroit; sevenrooms.com; $150-$1000.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 23
62
12 Carpenter Ave.
53 52 50 1
3
60 17
7
Caniff Ave. 4 63 49
9
McDougall St.
5 10 6 8 61 2 48 47 65 46 56 Yemans St. 57 45 58 59 44 43 Evaline St. 42 20 55 41 40 39 19 Edwin St. 38 37 64 36 35 21 Florian St. 3334 26 25 Holbrook Ave. 27 23 24 22 29 Jacob St. 28
Joseph Campau Ave.
32
31 30
18
Conant St.
51
McDougall St.
54
16
11
15
14
13 Christopher St
t.
VISIT
HAMTRAMCK THIS HOLIDAY SEASON! Port Bar 9420 Jos Campau Baker Street 9817 Jos Campau High Dive 11474 Jos Campau PLAV Post & 6 9545 Mcdougall Polka Dot Bar 2363 Yemans Whiskey In The Jar 2741 Yemans
EATS 6 Balkan House 3028 Caniff 7 Hello Shawarma Restaurant 3124 Caniff 8 Delite Cafe & Deli 3135 Caniff 9 Royal Kabob 3236 Caniff 10 Dose of Sugar Cafe 3630 Caniff 17 New Medina 11917 Conant 18 Aladdin Sweets & Cafe 11945 Conant 60 California Burgerz 12045 Conant 23 Cafe 1923 2287 Holbrook 25 Kitab Cafe & Bookstore 2727 Holbrook 27 Boostan Restaurant 3470 Holbrook 31 Yemen Cafe 8740 Jos Campau 36 Srodek’s 9601 Jos Campau 43 Amiccis Pizza 9841 Jos Campau 47 Oloman Cafe + Gallery 10215 Jos Campau 49 Dos Locos Tacos 10337 Jos Campau 50 Fat Salmon Sushi 11411 Jos Campau 51 Remas Restaurant 11444 Jos Campau 53 Maine Street Restaurant 11650 Jos Campau 58 Polonia Restaurant 2934 Yemans 59 Polish Village Cafe 2990 Yemans
33 42 52 55 56 57
BARS 2 Ghost Light 2314 Caniff 5 Sanctuary Detroit 2932 Caniff 11 Outer Limits 5507 Caniff 12 Trixie’s Bar 2656 Carpenter 14 Club Coyotes 9711 Conant 15 White Star Night Club 9819 Conant 16 Small’s 10339 Conant 19 Polish Sea League 2601 Edwin 20 Suzy’s Bar 2942 Evaline 21 Black Salt 2764 Florian 24 Kelly’s Bar 2403 Holbrook 26 Bumbo’s 3001 Holbrook 28 Painted Lady 2930 Jacob 30 HenriettaHaus 8609 Jos Campau 32 New Dodge Lounge 8850 Jos Campau
SHOPPING 29 Campau Clothing 9643 Jos Campau 34 Polish Art Center 9539 Jos Campau 35 Tekla Vintage 9600 Jos Campau 37 Shooz Club 9629 Jos Campau 38 Aladdin Jewelry 9701 Jos Campau 39 Showtime Clothing 9704 Jos Campau 40 Alameer Furniture 9708 Jos Campau 41 V.I.P. Clothing 9734 Jos Campau 44 G Mart Clothing 10012 Jos Campau 45 Lo & Behold! 10022 Jos Campau 46 Rat Queen Vintage 10031 Jos Campau 48 Detroit Threads 10238 Jos Campau 62 Record Graveyard 2610 Carpenter Ave 63 Book Suey 10345 Joseph Campau Ave 65 Gold & Glitter Jewelry 10000 Joseph Campau
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CLOTHING (313) 875 9280
DISPENSARIES 1 Quality Roots 2024 Caniff 22 Pleasantrees 2238 Holbrook 54 Puff Cannabis 11941 Jos Campau VENUES 3 Planet Ant 2320 Caniff 4 The Independent Comedy Club 2320 Caniff 13 Fowling Warehouse 3901 Christopher Street GALLERIES 34 Polish Art Center 9539 Jos Campau 61 Atomic Cafe 10326 Joseph Campau 64 Ukrainian American Archives and Museum 9630 Joseph Campau
WHAT’S GOING ON Select events happening in metro Detroit this week. Be sure to check venue websites before all events for the latest information. Add your event to our online calendar: metrotimes.com/ AddEvent. MUSIC
Wednesday Dec 25 Live/Concert Matt Lorusso Trio & Special Guests 8-11 pm; Northern Lights Lounge, 660 W. Baltimore St., Detroit; no cover.
Thursday Dec 26 Live/Concert Bert’s Music Cafe & The Preservation of Jazz ft 2nd Thursdays, ft. The Jerome Clark Trio 6-10 pm; Bert’s Music Cafe, 2458 Brush St., Detroit, MI; $15.00. Berts Music Cafe & The Preservation of Jazz Presents Jazz on Repeat every Thursday Night Jazz Music Series Hosted by Lucretia Sain 6-10 pm; Bert’s Music Cafe, 2458 Brush St., Detroit, MI; $15.00. Dueling Pianos: An Interactive Entertainment Experience 8 pm-midnight; AXIS Lounge, 1777 3rd St., Detroit; Home for the Skalidays 2024: Mustard Plug with Special Guests J Navarro & the Traitors, Killer Diller, The Boy Detective, The Write-Ups 7 pm; Magic Stick, 4120 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $20.
Black Christmas 2024 3 pm-midnight; Majestic Theatre, 4140 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 29.99. Black Christmas 2024 with BANE, Throw Rag, Koffin Kats, Smoke AxD, S.N.A.F.U. & More 3 pm; Magic Stick, 4120 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $29.99-$69.50. Joe Hertler & The Rainbow Seekers 7 pm; Pike Room, 1 S. Saginaw, Pontiac; $20. The Nightmare - Detroit’s only Alice Cooper Tribute Show, Ten Years Gone - Tribute to Led Zeppelin 8 pm; The Token Lounge, 28949 Joy Rd., Westland; $15-$120. Trans-Siberian Orchestra-The Lost Christmas Eve 3 & 7:30 pm; Little Caesars Arena, 2645 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $49.99-$99.99. Trap Karaoke: Detroit 7:30 pm; The Fillmore, 2115 Woodward Ave., Detroit;
DJ/Dance Future Frequencies: An evening with Super Future 9 pm; Diamondback Music Hall, 49345 S. Interstate 94 Service Dr., Belleville; $10-$30.
Sunday Dec 29 Live/Concert 2024 Grand Finale Concert 7 pm; Diamondback Music Hall, 49345 S. Interstate 94 Service Dr., Belleville; $45-$1,500. MJ LIVE - Michael Jackson Tribute 7:30 pm; Sound Board, 2901 Grand River Ave., Detroit; $34-$47.
Karaoke/Open Mic Continuing This Week Karaoke/ Monday Dec 30 Open Mic Live/Concert DARE-U-OKE 9 pm-midnight; Northern Lights Lounge, 660 W. Baltimore St., Detroit; no cover. Drag Queen Karaoke 8 pm-2 am; Woodward Avenue Brewers, 22646 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; no cover.
Friday Dec 27 Live/Concert Ace Frehley 7:30 pm; The Token Lounge, 28949 Joy Rd., Westland; $50.
The Nina Simone Tribute ft. Faye Bradford 7-10 pm; Aretha’s Jazz Cafe, 350 Madison St., Detroit; 35.00. The Preservation of Jazz Monday Night Music Series Presents “Tribute to Prince starring ft. The M.U.T.H.A.F.U.N.K.A.’s 7-10 pm; Aretha’s Jazz Cafe, 350 Madison St., Detroit; 35.00.
Tony Romeo and The Creampies w/ Eastside Still Alive + David Bierman Overdrive + I Are Citizen 7 pm; Small’s, 10339 Conant St., Hamtramck; $12.
The Preservation of Jazz Monday Night Music Series, The Tribute to Nina Simone starring Faye Bradford Hosted by Lucretia Sain 6-10 pm; Aretha’s Jazz Cafe, 350 Madison St., Detroit; $35.
Saturday Dec 28 Live/Concert
Sky Covington’s Satin Doll Revue (Sky Covington performs Billie Holiday, Tosha Owens per-
26 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
form Etta James, Nina Simone Neal performs Dinah Washington & Faye Bradford performs Nina Simone ) 7-10 pm; Aretha’s Jazz Cafe, 350 Madison St., Detroit; 40.00.
DJ/Dance Adult Skate Night 8:30-11 pm; Lexus Velodrome, 601 Mack Ave., Detroit; $5.
Tuesday Dec 31 Live/Concert “Tribute Experience” Presents a New Years Eve Music,Tribute Dinner Show 7 pm-12:30 am; Stefans Banquet Hall, 26355 W. Chicago Rd., Redford; $65.00 per person. 2 Live Crew Celebrity New Year’s Eve Bash 9 pm; Pike Room, 1 S. Saginaw, Pontiac; $25. George Michael Reborn - A Tribute to George Michael 9 & 10 pm; Andiamo Celebrity Showroom, 7096 E. 14 Mile Rd., Warren; $69-$99. GEORGE MICHAEL REBORN New Year’s Eve Dinner Party at Andiamo Celebrity Showroom ; Andiamo Celebrity Showroom, 7096 E. 14 Mile Rd., Warren; Global Sunsets, Blackman & Arnold Trio 7-10 pm; Northern Lights Lounge, 660 W. Baltimore St., Detroit; no cover. Jazz & Bubbles: A Wine Grotto New Year’s Eve ft. Sky Covington 8 pm-1 am; Wine Grotto in Sint John Resort, 44045 Five Mile Rd, Plymouth; $500-$300. Lloyd 8 pm; Sound Board, 2901 Grand River Ave., Detroit; $43-$57. Magic Bag Presents: NYE BASH! 90s vs 80s - MEGA vs CLASS 8 pm; Magic Bag, 22920 Woodward Ave., Ferndale; $30. Mike Skill, of the Romantics, New Year’s Eve at the Cadieux Cafe 9-11:59 pm; Cadieux Café, 4300 Cadieux Rd., Detroit; $30. Nicole Moudaber NYE 2025 9 pm; Magic Stick, 4120 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $25-$30. NYE PARTY - SUNSET BLVD 7 pm; District 142, 142 Maple St., Wyandotte; $20-$30. Tropidelic with Bumpin Uglies, The Quasi Kings and Ubi of Ces Cru 7 pm; Magic Stick, 4120 Woodward Ave., Detroit; $29.50-$60.
DJ/Dance B.Y.O.R Bring Your Own Records
Night 9 pm-midnight; The Old Miami, 3930 Cass Ave., Detroit; no cover. Excision - 18+ 8 pm; Detroit Masonic Temple Library, 500 Temple St, Detroit; Sky Covington’s “The Preservation of Jazz” Returns to WJZZ Detroit Radio with a New Day and Time! 2-5 pm; WJZZ Radio Station, 2187 W. Grand Blvd, Detroit, MI; Donation.
Karaoke/Open Mic Open Mic : Art in a Fly Space 7-10 pm; Detroit Shipping Company, 474 Peterboro St., Detroit; no cover.
THEATER Performance The Berman Center for the Performing Arts Remember That One Time? An Evening with Larry Joe Campbell & Friends Larry Joe Campbell wrote a book, and he’s assembled some of the best actors and improvisers to help him present some excerpts. Jaime Moyer, Nancy Hayden, and Rico Bruce Wade will join Larry Joe. The evening will include music, stand-up, improvisation, and audience participation. Remember That One Time? tells the story of an aging, out-of-work actor whose wife has recently left him. He heads to a small town in Michigan over the winter holidays, only to lose his voice in a freak accident. Left with only listening and watching, Max Sheffield observes the local townsfolk and their eccentricities. $35-65 Sunday 7-8:30 pm.
Musical Fisher Theatre - Detroit Parade Thursday 2 & 7:30 pm, Friday 7:30 pm, Saturday 2 & 8 pm, Sunday 1 & 6:30 pm, Monday 7:30 pm and Tuesday 1 pm.; Sunday 6:30 pm.
COMEDY Improv Go Comedy! Improv Theater Pandemonia The Allstar Showdown is a highly interactive improvised game show. With suggestions from the audience, our two teams will battle for your laughs. The Showdown is like “Whose Line is it Anyway,” featuring a series of short improv games, challenges and more. Fridays and Saturdays 7:30pm & 9:30pm 25.00 Fridays, Saturdays.; $20 Every other Friday, 8 & 10 pm. Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle Brad Wenzel with Diego Attanasio and Emma Stevenson Brad Wenzel is best known for his offbeat, one-liners. His unassuming presence and dry deliv-
ery are what set him apart from other comedians. A product of the Detroit comedy scene and now residing in Los Angeles, Brad has made 3 standup appearances on CONAN. Brad’s debut album “Sweet Nothings” was released on Jack White’s label, Third Man Records. He also won first place at the Great American Comedy Festival, was a finalist in Funny or Die’s “Road 2 Oddball”, performed at RIOT LA, and was selected to be one of the “New Faces” at the prestigious Just for Laughs $25.00 Thursday 7:30-9 pm, Friday 7:15-8:45 & 9:45-11:15 pm and Saturday 7-8:30 & 9:30-11 pm.
Stand-up Chrysler Theatre Windsor Comedy Festival The Windsor Comedy Festival is BACK and funnier than ever! Get ready for a night of nonstop laughter Friday, December 27, 2024, at the Chrysler Theatre! <0x1F3A4> Featuring: <0x1F602> Headliner Mitch Fatel – Comedy genius with a smile to match! <0x1F399> Hosted by Michael Harrison – Bringing the energy and laughs! <0x1F31F> Jackie Fabulous – Sharp, bold, and hilariously relatable! <0x1F3C6> 2019’s “Next Best Comic” Curtis Coleman – Get ready to be impressed! <0x1F3B8> Plus, live music from Sinjon Smith Band will have you dancing in your seats! <0x1F525> AND the NEXT BEST COMIC Competition 40 Friday 8-10:30 pm. The Fillmore Brian Regan $45$79.50 Monday 6:30 pm. Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle New Year’s Eve Comedy Show with Zach Martina, Richard Mathis and Greg Sharp Tuesday, December 31, 2024 @ 7:30pm - $27.50 Tuesday, December 31, 2024 @ 10:30pm - $35 (New Year’s Eve last show ticket includes: Party Favor with a Champagne Toast at Midnight!) Thus far, life has exceeded the expectations of Zach Martina. He certainly never thought some stranger would be reading to find out more about him but here we are. Here’s what you need to know – He loves his wife, his daughters are a constant source of inspiration, and his hair is real. Also worth noting - he’s not angry, he’s just passionate about the inane topics he chooses $35.00 Tuesday 7:30-9 & 10:30 pm-midnight. Blind Pig Blind Pig Comedy FREE Mondays, 8 pm. The Independent Comedy Club at Planet Ant The Sh*t Show Open Mic: Every Friday & Saturday at The Independent A weekly open mic featuring both local amateurs and touring professionals. Doors open at 8:30 p.m. and the show begins at 9 pm..
Mike Skill, of the Romantics, returns to his roots New Year’s Eve at the Cadieux Cafe, with special guests Eastside Still Alive. CHERYL HANGLAND
Critic’s Pick
New Year’s Eve at the Cadieux Cafe Mike Skill, co-founder of legendary Detroit
rock ’n’ rollers the Romantics, is returning to his eastside roots to rock the Cadieux Cafe for New Year’s Eve. Skill, who co-wrote the band’s 1979 smash single “What I Like About You” and plays its signature guitar riff, brings his hard-rockin’ new band to the classic watering hole on Cadieux Road for an intimate performance just blocks away from his old stomping grounds at Finney High. The Romantics famously cut their teeth in derelict dives and bygone Detroit bars like the Red Carpet Lounge, just blocks away on East Warren Avenue in the city’s Morningside neighborhood. Skill and his mates rocked their way onto the national scene in the late ’70s and finally hit the big time in the early ’80s with songs like “Talking in Your Sleep,” “One in a Million,” and “Rock You Up.” At their peak, Skill and the Romantics played American
The evening always ends with karaoke in the attached Ghost Light Bar! Doors and Sign up 8:30 p.m. Show at 9 p.m. $5 suggested donation. Attached bar Ghost Light opens at 7 p.m. $5 Suggested Donation Thursdays, 9-10:30 pm.; A late night, heckle encouraged, show up, go up stand-up open mic featuring both local amateurs and touring professionals. Sign up starts at 10:30 and the show begins at 11p. Doors and Sign Up 10:30p | Show at 11p | $5 Suggested Donation* Attached bar Ghost Light opens at 7p The independent Comedy Club is a comedy club run by comics for comics inside Planet Ant Theatre. The club runs Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, offering independently produced comedy shows from 8p-12a. Presented by Planet Ant *Planet Ant Theatre, Inc. is a 501c3 nonprofit organization; no ticket or reservation is required $5 Suggested Donation Fridays, Saturdays, 11 pm1:30 am.
Bandstand, their music was featured on Soul Train, and as this rag once noted, they were the only Detroit band — the only American rock ’n’ roll band — to hit the charts. Skill, who makes his home in Oregon these days, brings a hard-rockin’ crew to the Cadieux featuring the amazing Brad Elvis on drums, ravishing Ricky Rat on guitar, and the lean, mean rhythm machine Brian McCarty on bass. “I love the idea that it’s such an intimate show,” says Rat, who also plays guitar for opening act Eastside Still Alive. “Mike just loves to play. He’s got energy like a teenager, and he loves getting back to his roots … Eastside boy comes home.” —Dave Mesrey The Cadieux Cafe is located at 4300 Cadieux Road. Live music starts at 9 p.m. Champagne toast at midnight. Tickets available via Eventbrite.
DANCE Dance performance The Music Hall Grand Kyiv Ballet: Snow Queen $50-$85 Thursday 7 pm.
Dance lessons First United Methodist Church of Troy Contra Dance, Sat. Dec. 28, 7pm Contra Dance, Sat. Dec. 28, 7pm Country Dance and Song Society Saturday, December 28, 2024 7pm - 9:30pm First United Methodist Church of Troy 6363 Livernois Road, Troy, MI (North of Square Lake) Arrive at 7pm for Beginner Lessons www.octds.org/dance_schedule Live Music Pay-What-You-Can info@ octds.org (248) 217-1058 Pay-WhatYou-Can Saturday 7-10 pm.
Art Exhibition Pizzo Studio The Black and White
Art Show Pizzo Studio’s Black and White Show features over 20 local Detroit area artists from all media. Saturdays, Sundays, 8-11 pm.
Exhibition Ann Arbor Art Center Our Love Will Change The World” Photographs by Doug Coombe Our Love Will Change The World is a retrospective of Doug Coombe’s 30+ years of documenting multiple genres of Southeast Michigan’s music scene as a journalist and a fan. The show is also a teaser of a retrospective book of Coombe’s Detroit and Ann Arbor music photography currently in the works. The idea of the book and exhibit is to lure you in with the photos of the local stars and, in the process, put some lesser-known yet equally talented musicians on the pedestal with them. Through Jan. 5, 2025.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 27
28 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 29
MUSIC
Same Eyes, from left to right: Chad, Alex, Serge, Jordan.
PHOTO BY ROBIN VINCENT
Not As Desperate As Others: How Same Eyes Stayed Focused By Jeff Milo
It’s quite a trip for a local indie band
when 80,000 individual people tell you they “ ur vibe,” but it’s quite another when “the major-est of major labels” start reaching out to you in response to just a 30-second clip of your music. Viewed either cynically or reductively, one could say that all it took for the Ann Arbor synth-pop band known as Same Eyes to reach 1.7 million views and 500,000 plus streams was one simple, yet effective video of them performing their song “Desperate Others” live inside the cool, cozy climes of Ziggy’s in Ypsilanti. But
♥
that discounts the more than five years’ worth of work that they’ve been putting in to not only crafting sleek, danceable synth-centric arrangements that impeccably hit that Goldilocks-sweet spot of revivalism (’80s-tinged), nostalgia (chillwave-tinged) and uncannily modernistic, not to mention strengthening their stage presence and expanding, even diversifying, the live incarnations of their songs. “I just hated the whole self-promotional aspect of it all,” admits Same Eyes singer/ co-founder Alex Hughes. “It did so much for us as far as building our listener-base
30 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
and following, but it kept coming back to this feeling of that’s not how it’s supposed to happen. I watched so many of my favorite bands tour so relentlessly and loved their music so much that, to me, it felt sacrilegious for us to suddenly have all this exposure.” “It was overwhelming,” says Same Eyes drummer and its other co-founder, Chad Pratt. “It was that cliche of being careful what you wish for — for us, it was seemingly coming true, but I wasn’t sure if we were ready or knew what we wanted from any of it. It was really stressful, actually.
And, we didn’t feel comfortable with a lot of the people we were talking to and weren’t sure what to sign or who to sign with.” Pratt’s on the other side of 40 now, but Hughes is still just 26; the former has been in several noteworthy bands from the mid-aughts into the teens, a few of which signed to indie labels like Ghostly International and Fred Thomas’ Life Like, while the latter had a good singing voice, he’d mostly played guitar in high school bands. They fatefully met when Pratt’s day job as a house painter brought him into
the domicile of Hughes’ parents, just as the young wunderkind was starting college. They began a friendship that evolved into Pratt sending the Hughes electroheavy demos awaiting lyrics and vocals — they’d swap those demos until reaching a finished, polished track. Thus, Same Eyes was essentially born. Their debut album, 2021’s Parties To End, was mastered by Warren Defever (Third Man) and featured contributions from Fred Thomas and Dykehouse and Serge Van Der Voo on bass. Over the next couple of years, they started performing live, eventually adding Jordan Collingridge (of ZZvava) on guitar; Hughes successfully overcame his considerable stage fright, and now, when you see the viral video, it looks as though he’s entirely in his element as a proverbial front man — with Pratt, meanwhile, providing live drums set to a click track. They expressed how important it was to distinguish the live set from the recordings, with Collingridge and Van Der Voo tilting it into more of a brisker and burlier rock sound. Pratt praised both of them, modestly, as being “far more superior, by light years better musicians … than Alex or I.” But let’s get back to that viral “moment,” starting last June when Hughes’ then-girlfriend, Lily, offered to try to give them a boost by posting for the band’s accounts on TikTok and Instagram. It obviously worked. Obviously, social media can be this ominous vacuum that can both surge our dopamine and trigger our anxieties, which is exactly the contemplative rollercoaster that the band went on when they found themselves at a high-stakes crossroads as far as where their future could, or perhaps should, lead them. “Bonkers,” Pratt reiterated. “If you could think of any major label right now, it’s likely that one of them probably reached out to us over this. I had to get counsel from my friend (and Ghostly International founder) Sam Valenti, who, at the time, told us to just take the ride, take all the calls, and just be cool and be ourselves. But we actually had to get a lawyer just to start fielding all the calls, just so that we could know what we were doing. It was a bit of a shit show.” “I didn’t know, at the time, what thousands of ‘views’ really equated to,” Hughes admits, “but the day it started to take off, when I got home, suddenly people like Fred Durst and Wayne Coyne are DM-ing us!?! Wayne Coyne? Someone I’ve seen xnumber of times in concert? It was a really crazy day that turned into a crazy month.” Hughes said it came at a point when he’d settled into a mindset of unshakeable devotion to Same Eyes as a band, no matter how little amount of recognition, if any at all, they ever received — then to go from that sense of purpose and security to suddenly the wild, moon-promising
temptations of major labels? Well, it was a trip. “We went to a Ghostly Showcase at Spot Lite during Movement,” Pratt says, “and everyone there was asking us how’d we do it … how did we crack the code? “Honestly, I think (‘Desperate Others’) was just a really great song that broke through, and I think people liked the story of us as an unsigned indie band from Michigan; it’s a relatable underdog story, but I think it led people to listen to the rest of our stuff and [wonder why] a band with this many good songs somehow doesn’t have gazillion followers already. “We ended up not signing with anybody,” Pratt says, “because nothing that was offered felt right for us.” “It puts everything into perspective,” Hughes said after the band sobered from the social media surge. “People love to hop on board to what they think is gonna be the next hot new thing, but you’re still one band in a sea of a million great bands. You can have these viral moments of exposure, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to put the work in — there’s always work to be done.” “And when you do get successful,” Pratt says, “it means you probably have been putting more work in.” Certainly, Same Eyes has been hard at work. They released their second fulllength LP, Desperate Others, in March of 2022, and released several singles throughout the forthcoming years, along with a compilation, The Slow Decline, last summer. They recently released a new single and have plans to release yet another full-length album, Love Comes Crashing, by or before the end of March 2025 — with artwork and titling of the album credited to Fred Thomas. After a year of having so many “eyes” on them, Same Eyes’ resolve, work ethic, and creative chemistry as a quartet with Collingridge and Van Der Voo have only strengthened. Given the tenuous nature of the life of an indie band and the insidious temptations lying in wait out there in the social media world, this feels like a victory. “We’ve put three years’ worth of work into the songs (on the forthcoming album),” Hughes says. “We know what we want now, and we have the ability to put out whatever we want, whenever we want.” Pratt adds, “We’re growing, and we know we can figure this out — we can get back to just being ourselves, without anyone else telling us what to do.” Now you should see for yourself, and hear for yourself: Same Eyes are on Spotify right now, waiting for your ears. But you can see them live Saturday, Jan. 4 in Hamtramck. Same Eyes - Jan 4 - at Ziggy’s - https://sameeyes.bandcamp.com | @sameeyesmusic ~ + Jan 10 - at The New Dodge Lounge
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 31
FOOD
Tania’s stuffed shawarma pizza.
TOM PERKINS
Best Bites of 2024 Tom Perkins and Jane Slaughter
As always, downtown
Detroit continued its ascent with the addition of some awesome new eateries that are helping turn our city into a legit dining destination. Several established and decorated chefs and restaurateurs returned to Detroit to ply their trade in their suddenly hot hometown. Meanwhile, in the city’s outer neighborhoods and burbs, we stopped in any number of incredible Middle Eastern and southeast Asian restaurants. Here are some of 2024’s best bites.
Diots a vin blanc at Alpino in Detroit Diots a vin blanc, or sausage in white wine, is a traditional dish from the Haute-Savoie region in the Alps, where France, Italy and Switzerland come together. This is the neck of the woods that Alpino in Corktown focuses on – a refreshingly original idea with a whole menu of dishes that are new to the city. The diots arrive with two banging pork sausages in an onion and wine broth with a mustard rouille. The broth is what makes it, and is relatively simple. Alpino starts by sweating the onions,
which serves to pull out their sweetness and soften them without caramelizing. It then adds a Savoie white wine and chicken stock, then simmers out the alcohol. I could drink it by the gallon.
Kebabs at Saj Alreef in Sterling Heights It’s a toss up between the lamb quzi – a massive lamb chop heavy with cardamom that slides right off the bone – and the kebabs at this excellent new-ish Iraqi spot in Sterling Heights. I recommend getting both, but if you can only eat one, the kebabs are cooked over a charcoal grill that leaves the edges with perfect char and imparts a lovely smokiness. One kebab came with minced lamb and beef, and another with ground chicken. Both burst with flavor from what tastes like some combination of parsley, garlic, onion, sumac, cumin, cardamom, cinnamon, coriander, and more. The hunks of piquant chicken and lamb tikka kebabs stood out, the former with a nearly candied texture from the smoke. Owner Steven Arbo touted Areef’s meats, which come from Barry and Sons and other reputable halal butchers.
32 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
Fried chicken at Taj AlYemen/Family Donut in Hamtramck
Stuffed shawarma pizza slice at Tania’s and Kal’s Lunch Bowl in Royal Oak
The oddest pair in town might be the Family Donut/Taj Al-Yemen team at Caniff and Conant in Hamtramck. As if an old-school doughnut and coffee shop mixed with a Yemeni restaurant wasn’t enough – it might just also have the area’s best fried chicken. I’ve long groused over the dearth of excellent fried chicken in Detroit, but this is it. This changes everything. A medium level of crunchy crag, the right level of salt, moist but not too greasy, and your fingers will be left stained yellow from turmeric — plus, it is priced to move. Part of why it has quickly become a favorite lunch spot is because it’s a pretty good representation of the evolving demographics of Hamtramck, and manager Nivil Al-Haiga says that’s by design — they want to have something for everyone. So there’s Bangladeshi options, Yemeni dishes, Bosnian burek, donuts, coffee. Truly a gem.
Tania’s Pizza in a Royal Oak party store has quietly assembled one of metro Detroit’s top pizzas, becoming something of an institution for its incredible stuffed pies. Meanwhile, Mr. Kebab, a carryout restaurant in a Berkley Mobil gas station, grew in recent decades to become a nationally lauded shawarma spot, which largely owed to the work of its chef, Kal Al-Amara. He now runs the awesome Kal’s Lunch Bowl in Royal Oak. Folks, the universe has smiled upon us: The two restaurants at the top of Detroit’s shawarma and pizza games have teamed up, creating a dish that deserves to be in the region’s best slice conversation — the stuffed shawarma pizza. Kal’s makes the chicken or beef shawarma, and Tania’s stuffs it between its garlic-butter crusts with a combo garlic-red sauce and pickles in the chicken pie, or, in the beef version, garlic-red sauce, onion, tomatoes, and beets. The Tania’s-Kal’s stuffed shawarma
pizza ascends to the same high echelon of Detroit slices as all the kings — the Salami Kilpatrick from Pie-Sci, anything from Loui’s, the eponymous pizza from Supino, and the dill pickle soup pizza from HenriettaHaus. That’s high praise.
Chicken Shawarma at Shawarma’s House in Westland There’s no shortage of shawarmas in metro Detroit — even good or excellent shawarma abounds, because we are blessed. But finding a spot that does a common dish like shawarma better than everyone else is a rarity and a joy in life, and that’s what Shawarma’s House has on offer. As with any simple dish of this caliber, it’s the details that make all the difference. Shawarma’s House cuts its bird from a massive inverted cone of chicken on a spit to produce small shavings. They’re intensely aromatic, moist, bright, and lemony pieces of bird that are wrapped in pita with better-than-most pickles and solid garlic sauce. Guessing on the spice combo here, but I suspect it’s driven by coriander, paprika, clove, nutmeg, cumin, and more. The aroma-generating combo and the perfect texture are what put the package in its own class.
Tom Kha at Kacha Thai Market 205 S. Main St., Royal Oak 248-942-4246 kachathaimarket.com This unfailing favorite soup is a masterful blend of sweet, sour, salty, spicy and umami. Coconut cream, lime juice, peppery galangal, chicken meat and broth, chiles — each flavor does its bit. Kacha Thai is generous with the chicken, and the soup is a lovely ivory color with golden blobs of liquid fat. Despite the coconut, it bears no resemblance to a warm smoothie.
Bánh Mì at Quan Ngon Vietnamese Bistro 30701 Dequindre, Madison Heights, 248-268-4310 facebook.com/p/Quan-Ngon-Vietnamese-Bistro This sandwich, a result of Vietnamese cooks appropriating from French colonizers, comes in a regular size, as a trio of sliders, or deconstructed with an egg sunny-side-up. A crisp baguette, toasted or not, is spread with housemade mayo and done the Vietnamese way — without egg whites or vinegar; just yolks and oil. Housemade chicken paté is added,
then grilled chicken, beef, or pork. Pork is lightly caramelized for a bit of sweetness, pickled carrots add tang, and cilantro finishes it off.
Blonde Gazpacho at Leña 2720 Brush St., Detroit, 313-262-6082 lenadetroit.com An age-old peasant dish also known as ajo blanco, or white garlic, this is gazpacho only in the sense that it’s a cold soup, Andalusia style. There’s not a tomato in sight; rather it’s a thick and creamy blend of garlic, olive oil, Marcona almonds, and bread from The Mother Loaf. The effect is more or less liquid garlic, garnished with roasted red grapes and more almonds for crunch. It’s vegan, too.
Aguachile Negro at Vecino 4100 Third St., Detroit, 313-500-1615 vecinodetroit.com Aguachile is similar to ceviche, but the marinade for the raw tiger shrimp is chile water (thus the name). First chiles de arbol are roasted on the open hearth, and their ash is mixed with shrimp broth and lime juice for a dramatic black sauce that’s pleasantly acidic. The shrimp are firm, the sauce not super spicy but cilantro-forward, and there’s a dollop of avocado-
serrano purée. The dish is served with totopos, as in Sinaloa, but I’d order Chef Edgar Torres’s exquisitely tender tortillas to sop the juices with; their masa is nixtamalized in-house with varieties of corn imported from Mexico, with indigenous names like Pink Xocoyul and Cacahuazintle; they might be yellow or blue, and they actually taste like corn.
Layered Pastries at Forest Bakery 8140 W. Nine Mile Rd., Oak Park Instagram: @forestoakpark Croissants, Danish, and pain au chocolat are all made with amazingly flaky, tender layers of pastry and imported French butter — literally 27 of each. Varieties of Danish are both sweet and savory: Apple Butter-Vanilla Custard-Oat Streusel; Spinach and Artichoke Dip; French Onion Soup; Brie-Bechamel-Cranberry Jam, and I’ve seen a Danish filled with raspberries — but it’s the pastry itself that’s the star. Croissants might be filled with pistachios but are heavenly on their own. The chocolate buried in a pain au chocolat is Valrhona, one of France’s best. The three young owner-operators do all the work themselves, and it shows.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 33
34 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 35
CULTURE Arts Spotlight
Levon Kafafian weaves their story of a post-digital collapse in thread By Randiah Camille Green
One thousand years into the future, all digital media has ceased to exist. In this post-digital world, without the interference of technology, magic has resurfaced. The unseen has become again seen as spirit beings have re-emerged from the land. But without access to historical archives or texts, humanity just may be doomed to repeat the catastrophes of the past. This is the backstory of Azadistan, a fictional world set in Southwest Asia created by Detroit-based Armenian American artist and weaver of worlds Levon Kafafian. Their latest exhibit, Portal Fire: Shrine of the Torchbearer, at the Museum of Contemporary Art Detroit (MOCAD), gives us an immersive glimpse into the world of Azadistan. The show is part of the MOCAD’s fall season of exhibits, which celebrates 100 years of surrealism. It runs alongside Chris Schanck’s A Surreality, ASMA Collective’s Wander + Pursuit, and collaborative works from Clare Gatto and Kara Gut in Magic Circle. You’ll find Portal Fire in the Mike Kelley Mobile Homestead, and all the exhibits are on display until February 23, 2025. Portal Fire is the name of Kafafian’s graphic novel set in Azadistan. Here, there exist 12 clans in a supposed egalitarian society, each with its own brand of magic and colors they are allowed to wear. But the Dragon Clan has decided to exert dominance over the other 11 with their perceived superiority, suppressing all other forms of magic. When you put it that way, it gives, “Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked,” Avatar: The Last Airbender style. But there is no physical text or illustrations where the Portal Fire graphic novel exists. Instead, Kafafian presents their fantasy world through costumes, hand-woven and dyed fabric, and cloth sculptures that show us how the inhabitants of Azadistan dress. At MOCAD, a hallway of tie-dyed drapes inscribed with protection spells leads to an altar holding an “eternal flame” (a sculpture made of leather and beads) where the story’s two main charac-
ters stand dressed in jackets, pants, and scarves Kafafian has hand woven on the loom. “Coming to the story as a weaver and making costumes, and objects, and cloth first, and coming up with narrative text later, is something that pulls deeply from my paternal lineage,” they tell Metro Times. “My grandmother and great grandmother were primarily needle workers, bead workers ... the pieces that I have from them carry so much information and carry the story of my family’s lineage, of the tradition of craft, and of a movement through space and time. So when I come to working in sci-fi and fantasy storytelling through cloth, I am pulling that tradition forward into the future.” Kafafian has been weaving since 2010 and their appreciation for textiles began when they worked at Hagopian World of Rugs. “In working there, I came to understand that there was so much more encoded into every piece of weaving, that there was a story in the symbols and the motifs, the colors and the materials chosen, and that the village weavers have their own tales that they can weave,” they say. “So when I started the project of Portal Fire, the story set in Azadistan, I knew, not having as much experience with writing or illustration, that my form of storytelling needed to be in cloth.” The MOCAD exhibit is a snapshot into the main character’s first call to action. An orphan named Maro and their best friend Hro are running through a market when they stumble upon this bizarre shrine carved into the mountainside and activate an ancient magic when they find themselves in a prohibited area. MOCAD visitors enter the cave where Azadistan’s sacred relics have been enshrined. Under the watchful eye of two mysterious and lavishly dressed fire cleric guards, sits a tome and a wall inscription detailing Azadistan’s digital collapse. But behind the wall, which is hidden from characters in the story but not from museum-goers, lies a secret prophecy for a future outside of the Dragon Clan’s rule. “Within the 12 clan system, each group has a different set of colors and fabrics that they can wear, and this also extends
36 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
Levon Kafafian spins a yarn through the weaving of cloth.
beyond that to what kinds of personalities are expected of those groups, what ideals, values, and what kind of professions are available to those people,” Kafafian explains. “And this harkens to the Ottoman millet system, where different minorities were expected to wear specific identifying items, or specific colors … to separate them from other groups. So a lot of this is like looking at Ottoman and pre-Ottoman era lifeways in multi-ethnic Anatolia.” Kafafian’s inspiration to create Portal Fire and the world of Azadistan came when they realized the lack of sci-fi and fantasy graphic novels written by and for Southwest Asians. Following a 2016 Detroit sci-fi generator session where participants were tasked with imagining Detroit’s future, Kafafian found themselves swept in wonder at the world of fantasy graphic novels. They rushed to Vault of Midnight, in search of Southwest Asian stories, but the only book the clerk could recommend was Craig Thompson’s Habibi. Thompson is a white male and many consider Habibi orientalist and problematic in its depiction of Arab and Muslim people. “I asked befuddled, ‘Do I have to be the one to write this story!?’ And the 10 people in the store in unison said, ‘Yes, you do.’ So that was my call to action,” Kafafian says. “In envisioning the world of Azadistan and coming to that point, I really wanted to build a future world where the various ethnic groups of Anatolia, the
MOCAD / TESS MAYER
Armenian Highlands, and Southwest Asia in general, could live in relative harmony with each other outside of imperialist governance.” Instead of fantasizing about a future without technology as a return to “simpler times,” Kafafian presents a post-digital society with its own set of problems. “That doesn’t mean that things are any less complicated or difficult or, to be frank, fucked,” Kafafian says. “So a question that I bring up is, is the lack of digital information technology better, necessarily? I don’t think so. It’s just different, and it brings different questions and problems to the table, than say, a future imagining AI takeovers, for example.” Kafafian was a 2023 finalist in Envision: The Michigan Artist Initiative, which saw their intricate costumes displayed alongside Bakpak Durden and Parisa Ghaderi (who ultimately won) at the University of Michigan Stamps Gallery. They were a 2019 artist in residence at Dearborn’s Arab American National Museum and co-led a seven-week weaving program in partnership with Trapholt Museum for Modern Art and Design in Denmark in 2022. They hold a bachelor of fine arts in fiber from the College for Creative Studies and a bachelor of arts in anthropology from Wayne State University. Portal Fire: Shrine of the Torchbearer is on view at MOCAD until February 23, 2025. For more information, visit mocadetroit.org.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 37
CULTURE
Billy Wilder’s “The Apartment” is sweepingly romantic, hilarious, and sad all at the same time.
CRITERION
Last Word Features Unconventional Christmas movies By Jared Rasic
Every single year it’s the same discussion around the holidays: is “Die Hard” a Christmas movie? Of course it is. Any film set on or near Christmas, where people are actively talking about or celebrating the holiday, makes it a Christmas movie. Is that the consensus? Can we be done now? The movie is 36 years old and I think it’s time to bring the Christmas movie debate into some new and uncharted waters. Growing up the way I did, Christmas has always been very white, middle class conventional. “A Christmas Story,” “Home Alone” and “Miracle on 34th Street” were always the movies we would watch around the fire on Christmas Eve as we would open presents. I’m basic. But the older I get, I’m way less interested in the typical conventional Christmas movies and am on the hunt for great holiday gems that aren’t the typical seasonal fare. So here are some movies I would include in the Christmas seasonal collection. Obviously, “Gremlins” is a darkly fantastic Christmas movie that treats
the holiday like a triggering event (which it is for a lot of us). In fact, when Phoebe Cates tells the story of her father breaking his neck while coming down the chimney dressed as Santa Claus, that was the first time I’d ever heard about someone else dressed like Santa. The moral of that story is that I don’t recommend watching “Gremlins” when you’re six years old. Her Santa tale scared me so much as a kid, I’m not sure I’ve watched the movie in a few decades because of it. Shane Black, one of the most underrated writers/directors working today, always sets his movies around Christmas and they always approach the holiday in ways both unexpected and insane. So many of his films deserve to be in constant holiday rotation…even the ones that haven’t aged very well. I think this year I might program a mini-film festival called A Black Christmas and show “Lethal Weapon,” the unsung Robert Downey Jr./Val Kilmer neo noir “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang,” the insanely bonkers “The Long Kiss Goodnight,” the deceptively fun “Iron Man
38 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
3” and “The Nice Guys” because it’s a genuinely great movie even though it only has one scene set around the holiday. These five movies are all deeply unconventional in different ways, but each one should appeal to those who like a little red blood splattered across their pillowy white snow. For those not into the violence and want a sexier holiday, Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut” has a Christmas tree in almost every scene AND a masked orgy. It’s one of Kubrick’s most underrated movies and treats marriage differently than any movie I’ve ever seen. Almost as kinky as “Eyes Wide Shut” is P.T. Anderson’s deeply and darkly sexy “The Phantom Thread.” Any movie that treats people’s turn-ons with respect and admiration is okay with me. “Carol” is one of the finest queer movies of the last few decades and slyly deconstructs the hollow capitalistic aspects of the holiday in ways I’m not sure American audiences truly appreciate enough. I like watching this one when I spend the holiday alone because of how intensely somber the film is;
it somehow makes me feel a little less alone. Billy Wilder’s “The Apartment” is sweepingly romantic, hilarious, and sad all at the same time…perfect for a screening with the folks, while “Klaus” is a fantastic and little-seen classic that the youngsters will love, featuring stunning hand-drawn animation that mythologizes the origin of Santa in touching and unpredictable ways. There are so many more Christmas flicks that deserve to be added to the holiday movie canon: just to name a few more — Terry Gilliam’s absolutely batsh*t “12 Monkeys,” David Lowery’s visionary “The Green Knight,” the spooky “Krampus,” the ’90’s classic “Go,” the modern masterpiece “In Bruges” and Sean Baker’s groundbreaking “Tangerine.” Don’t get me wrong, I love discussing “Die Hard’s” Christmas bona fides year after year, but I think it’s time to grow and evolve. There are so many more movies worthy of addition to the Unconventional Christmas Canon! What are some of your favorites?
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 39
WEED
Eighths of Death Row Cannabis come in a blingy mylar bag. This is G-Spot.
STEVE NEAVLING
The Straight Dope
Snoop Dogg’s cannabis brand seeks to improve its legacy in Michigan By Steve Neavling Welcome to The Straight Dope, our new weekly series that explores the best cannabis products in Michigan.
The first time Justin Brantley smoked Death Row Cannabis weed this summer, he was transported to 1996, when he was 11 years old and riding his bike while listening to Snoop Dogg’s recently released album, “The Doggfather.” “I thought about the first time I saw ‘Above the Rim’ or ‘Juice’ and how important the culture was to me,” Brantley tells Metro Times. “The product provided more than a ‘high.’ It gave me a window into a much simpler time. And that’s what Death Row Records Cannabis is to me. It’s an experience!” The attention to detail in the packaging, from the revamped Death Row Records logo to the intricate design elements like the executioner’s joint and chair diamonds, drew him in. The experience was so profound that Brantley joined Pleasantrees, a cannabis company with a large grow facility in Mt. Clemens that produces Death Row Cannabis flower. “That encounter definitely strength-
ened my decision to enter the cannabis space and, more specifically, Pleasantrees,” he says. “I felt a strong connection to the brand and wanted to be part of the overall success of Death Row Records Cannabis in Michigan.” Celebrity cannabis brands are facing enormous challenges in Michigan’s fiercely competitive market. Over the past decade, actors, athletes, and musicians have jumped into the cannabis industry with branded products and endorsements. Michigan’s market includes celebrity names like Cheech Marin, Mike Tyson, Willie Nelson, Jim Belushi, Wiz Khalifa, Icewear Vezzo, and Lil Wayne. Yet, most of these brands have struggled to rise above the crowd. According to Seattle-based cannabis analytics provider Headset, none of the top 10 selling flower or concentrates in Michigan are linked to celebrities. Cheech and Chong, for example, rank 63rd in the flower category. “It takes a lot to come into this market and make noise,” says Ryan Wood, creative director at Pleasantrees. “Of course it’s about good weed. What we’re discovering is it takes a lot more.”
40 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
Michigan’s cannabis industry is one of the most brutal in the country, with an overabundance of weed causing prices to plummet. Consumers are looking for value and quality, often bypassing celebrity endorsements that fail to deliver superior products. Many celebrity brands are priced higher due to the name attached to them but don’t always justify the cost. Death Row Cannabis, however, is aiming to change that perception. “What makes this brand a little bit different from other celebrity brands is that it doesn’t just harken back to Snoop. It harkens back to the cultural change in music,” says Sarah Waldrop, director of marketing for Pleasantrees. “With music comes that nostalgia and emotion that becomes evoked when you pair certain strains with certain feelings or songs. I’m very interested to see where we’re going to be in a year after what we’ve seen in the first year.” Death Row Cannabis launched in Michigan in August 2023 and is now available in about 60 dispensaries. Its hand-trimmed flower comes in glossy, blingy mylar bags adorned with the
iconic Death Row Records electric chair. Eighths range in price from $30 to $45, depending on the dispensary. The lineup includes seven strains and packs of seven prerolls, with infused options priced at about $55. The brand’s premium flower is curated by AK, a legendary West Coast grower handpicked by Snoop Dogg. AK’s meticulous mission to breed new, exclusive strains recently took him to the Netherlands to explore genetic libraries. “The next 12 to 18 months is going to be really exciting as Death Row breaks into the genetics scene,” AK says. “We’re going to kick off a whole new chapter, and I’m really stoked to get this going.” Beyond expanding its product line to include vapes and edibles, Death Row Cannabis is eyeing Detroit as the location for Snoop Dogg’s next U.S. dispensary. The first, S.W.E.D. (an acronym for “Smoke Weed Every Day”), opened in Los Angeles in July. More than just a dispensary, S.W.E.D. is an immersive celebration of Snoop’s legacy, featuring a smoke-proof DJ booth, graffiticovered walls with his handwritten sayings, and iconic memorabilia like the Death Row Records chair. For this review, I sampled Death Row’s strains. The standout for me was Crip’d Keeper, a tangy indica that delivered a soothing, euphoric high. Perfect for rolling a blunt and listening to the D-O-double-G, the dense buds were coated in trichomes. Crip’d Keeper is a cross between Sunset Sherbet and Mendo Breath. Other strains in the lineup include Motor City Fuel (Wedding Crasher x Zkittlez), Jokerz #31 (White Runtz x Jet Fuel Gelato), Carbon Cake (Carbon Fire x Grape Cakes), G-Spot (White Runtz x Peanut Butter Breath), and Commissary Kush (Chem Dawg x Ghost OG). Brantley says the reputations of Pleasantrees and Death Row Cannabis set them apart. “Not a single gram of their weed has ever been remediated,” he says. “If we wouldn’t smoke it, we wouldn’t sell it.” With Snoop Dogg’s star power, a focus on quality, and a commitment to evolving the brand, Death Row Cannabis is making waves in Michigan’s crowded market. As Waldrop puts it, “Death Row isn’t just a brand — it’s an experience.” AK says his mission is to produce strains that would impress even Snoop. “When we smoke it,” AK asks, “would we be brave enough to give it to Snoop Dogg?” If you want us to sample your cannabis products, send us an email at steve@ metrotimes.com.
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 41
42 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 43
CULTURE Savage Love
Damaged Goods By Dan Savage
Q: My husband and I have been
together 15 years and been through pretty much all of the ups and downs sexually that a monogamous relationship offers. Two years ago, my husband was in an accident and broke his back. The accident resulted in some mild-tomoderate nerve damage to his legs and a newfound case of premature ejaculation. I adore my husband and while toys normally help finish the job for me, I’m left wanting for our old sex life. I’m also worried about his satisfaction. His lack of endurance stresses him out, and I end up feeling like it’s more important for me to fake an orgasm so he doesn’t feel bad and worry about his performance. He’s tried Cialis, but it causes more nerve spasms than it’s worth. I’m at a loss. I’ve found very little in my research on back injuries and the effects on sexual functions and don’t know what else to do or where to look. I want to be satisfied like I used to be, but I also don’t want to broach the subject with my husband without having an action plan in place. He’s not as open about discussing things and definitely a sensitive soul. I just want to ride my husband like I used to and selfishly not worry about holding back for his sake. I know he wants the same. How the fuck do we get back there? —Back Where We Belong
A: “Sexual dysfunction due to back
and spinal cord injuries [is] very common,” says Dr. Rachel Gelman, a physical therapist who lives and works in the Bay Area. “There are reports of premature or rapid ejaculation after back injuries, which makes sense: erections and ejaculation require a lot of systems to be working together well, one of which is the nervous system.” So, if the nerves running to and from your husband’s cock were damaged or compromised during his accident, BWWB, is there anything that can be done? “There are many treatment options available,” says Dr. Gelman. “I would strongly recommend having him consult a sexual medicine provider. The Sexual Medicine Society of North
America and The International Sexual Medicine Society are great options to get resources and find a local provider. There are also sex therapists and counselors that can discuss exercises or strategies to address his PE.” Dr. Gelman also had a few recommendations — a few sex sex tips — while your husband waits for his first appointment with a specialist. “She could try having him wear a condom,” says Dr. Gelman, “the theory being that a condom can help reduce sensitivity and delay ejaculation. And if they want to spice things up — and justify the condom — they could pretend they’re meeting for the first time and re-create their first few weeks of dating. Another option might be one of the various desensitizing ointments and creams that contain lidocaine available over the counter.” Zooming out for a second: I’ve been on receiving end of one or two of those desensitizing creams in my time, BWWB, and I strongly recommend very carefully applying it only to the last couple of inches of his hard dick before carefully rolling a condom over the whole thing. You wanna numb his dick, not your hole. Zooming right back in: Even if your husband agrees to seek treatment, BWWB, and even if that treatment proves effective, the process is gonna take some time. So, this is how your husband’s dick works — at least for the time being — and both Dr. Gelman and I think you should make the best of it. “This could be an opportunity to play around with new routines and sexual activities,” says Dr. Gelman. “Try more toys — BWWB mentioned that toys are usually a win for her — and go slow and take more time to build things up. And sex doesn’t have to end just because he climaxed. Depending on how long his refractory period is, they could take a break, have a snack, and then go for round two. Or he could just focus on BWWB’s pleasure after his climax. “And while I fully support BWWB’s desire to ride her husband to her heart’s content like she used to,” said Dr. Gelman, “it’s important to remember that our bodies do change over time.” Ideally, this process — we age, things change — is a gradual one, and we discover new tricks, new pleasures, and fun new ways of getting off. But when changes come fast, BWWB, their very swiftness can make it hard to adjust.
44 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
“I hear the distress this issue is causing for BWWB and her husband,” says Dr. Gelman, “and those feelings are perfectly understandable. But a reminder that stress and anxiety can be mood killers.” So, in addition to asking your husband to see the doctors and do the work so he can maybe last longer again someday, you should invite your husband to do things he can right now: oral sex, mutual masturbation, internal and external vibrators, big and small strap-ons, etc. To build up his confidence again, BWWB, you need to put the focus on joy and pleasure — both of you do — and take the focus off penetration and endurance. And if you approach other routes to pleasure as good and possibly great sex and not as sad consolation prizes, BWWB, you can start having great sex again tonight. Dr. Rachel Gelman is a pelvic floor specialist and a sexuality counselor. You can follow her on Instagram and Threads @pelvichealthsf and learn more about her work — and pelvic health in general — at her website pelvicwellpt.com.
Q: My fiancé is a lovely man, and
we have a wonderful relationship. My mother is a difficult woman, and we have a complicated relationship. She followed my fiancé on Instagram after I introduced her to him, and then — after extensive sleuthing — she found his alt. My mom is now convinced my fiancé is abusing me because we’re into BDSM and she wants me to call the wedding off. This is rich coming from a woman who made zero effort to protect me and my sisters from any of the abusive men she married. My mother disinvited us for Christmas, which was frankly a relief, but now she’s threatening to send screenshots to my very Christian sisters and their husbands if I don’t break things off with my fiancé and “get mental help.” I worked hard to reestablish a relationship with my sisters in adulthood (I’m the youngest, they left home as soon as they could), and I’m afraid I won’t have any family at all when this is over. How do I navigate this? —Boy’s Disturbingly Shitty Mom
A: Your mom has a weapon in her
hands right now — screenshots of your fiancé’s alt — and there’s only one way to disarm her: Tell your sisters everything. You don’t have to send them screenshots of your own or (God forbid) links to your fiancé’s alt, BDSM; you only have to give them a rough, but accurate outline: You and your fiancé are kinky, you shared some pictures on an obscure corner of
the Internet, and your mom somehow managed to find them. Emphasize to your siblings that you wouldn’t be sharing these details about your sex life if your mother hadn’t invaded your quasi-privacy (you guys did share those pics publicly) and wasn’t now trying to blackmail you by threatening to send screenshots to your sisters. If they’re upset to learn these facts about your sex life, BDSM, tell them to go yell at your mother. And. if your sisters are judgmental about your kinks and/or concerned for your safety, BDSM, feel free to copy and paste this into your group chat: “BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups — minus pants, plus orgasms — and studies have shown that adults who enjoy this kind of sex play with other consenting adults are just as emotionally healthy as people who do not. So, there’s no need to worry about me, and the only person who should be ashamed of themselves right now is Mom.” Tell your sisters they can decide for themselves what, if anything, they wanna share with their husbands — their husbands, their problem — and urge them not to open any emails or texts they get from Mom with attached photos. Then send a long text to your mom. Let Mom know you told sisters everything, let Mom know you’re not breaking up with your fiancé, and let Mom know — at least for the time being — she’s not invited to your wedding. Then let Mom know that you’ll call the actual cops (not the pretend ones) and press charges if she sends those screenshots to your sisters or anyone else. Most people who get arrested for revenge porn (“revealing sexually explicit images [with the] intent of causing distress or embarrassment”) are angry exes, BDSM, but revenge porn is a crime even when a parent does it. Let your mom know. And finally, BDSM, you will have family when this is over. Because your soon-to-be husband and the people in your lives who love and support you — as individuals and a couple — are already your family. They may not be your family of origin, BDSM, but they’re definitely your family of destination. Don’t let what you might lose — and stand to benefit from losing — blind you to what you already have. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@ savage.love! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage. LoveLove
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 45
CULTURE Free Will Astrology
return.” That’s one reason frogs have been lucky in some circles of Japanese culture. They symbolize the blessing that occurs when travelers return home safely, or when health is restored, or when spent money is replenished. I bring this to your attention, Sagittarius, because I suspect 2025 will be a time when satisfying and enjoyable returns will be a key theme. Consider keeping the likeness of a lovable frog in your living space.
By Rob Brezsny ARIES: March 21 – April 19 In 2025, I would love for you to specialize in making new connections and deepening your existing connections. I hope you will summon extra creativity and panache as you regularly blend your beautiful energies with others’ beautiful energies. I predict you will thrive on linking elements that should be linked but have never been before. What do you think, Aries? Does it sound fun to become a playful master of mixing and combining? Would you enjoy generating splashy unifications that serve your dreams? TAURUS: April 20 – May 20 “Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion,” declared Taurus comedian Tina Fey. But I believe you will disprove that assessment in the coming months. The work you do will be unusually replete with grace and dynamism. It will be focused and diligent work, yes, but more importantly, it will be smart work that’s largely free of delusion. That’s
Happy New Year!!! All clean and linen soft like 1500 count sheets, before the filth, stink and stains set in. Enjoy…you don’t have to give anything up, just a little heathy moderation… unless your doctor says different.
OPEN NEW YEAR’S EVE NEW YEAR’S DAY
why I’m inclined to revise Fey’s formula for your sake. In 2025, your brimming levels of confidence will be primarily due to your fine, conscientious, effective work. GEMINI: May 21 – June 20 In the 1960s, a Swedish journalist tried an experiment. He wanted to see if art critics could distinguish between abstract paintings made by skilled artists and those created by a four-year-old chimpanzee whose pseudonym was Pierre Brassau. Surprise! Many of the critics treated all the paintings with equal respect. One even gave special praise to Pierre Brassau, describing his strokes of color as having “the delicacy of a ballet dancer.” I’m authorizing you to unleash your inner Pierre Brassau in the coming months, Gemini. Be an innocent rookie, a newcomer with great instincts, an exuberant amateur who specializes in fun experiments. Do you know what beginner’s mind is? You approach every experience with zero assumptions or expectations, as if you were seeing everything for the first time. For more, look into Shoshin. CANCER: June 21 – July 22 Ohio’s Cuyahoga River used to catch on fire regularly. The cause was pollution. For a hundred years, industries had poured their wastes into the waterway. The surface was often dotted with oil slicks. But after a notorious river fire in 1969, the locals decided to remedy the situation, aided by the newly established Environmental Protection Agency. Today, the Cuyahoga still isn’t 100% clean, but it’s far better. It hosts kayaking, fishing, and paddle boarding. I propose we use its rehabilitation as a symbol for you in 2025. You will have welcome opportunities to clean up messes that have lingered for far too long. Please take full advantage of these cosmic invitations to sweep karmic debris out of your life. LEO: July 23 – August 22 Steve Jobs, founder of Apple computers, said, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” I propose that you make this one of your mottoes in 2025. More than ever before, you will have exceptional power to transform the environments you share with others. You will have an enhanced ability to revise and reinvigorate the systems and the rules you use. Don’t underestimate your influence during the coming months, Leo. Assume that people will be listening especially closely to your ideas and extra receptive to be affected by you.
46 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com
JAMES NOELLERT
VIRGO: August 23 – Sept. 22 I’ll give you four related terms to describe your key motif in 2025: (1) Your Soul’s Code. (2) Your Master Plan. (3) Your Destiny’s Blueprint. (4) Your Mission Statement. All four are rooted in this epic question: What is your overarching purpose here on earth, and how are you fulfilling it? The coming months will be a time when you can make dramatic progress in formulating vivid, detailed visions of the life you want to live. You can also undertake robust action steps to make those visions more of a practical reality. I encourage you to write your big-picture, long-range dreams in a special notebook or a file on your tech device. Keep adding to the text throughout the coming months. LIBRA: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 People in India were the first to discover diamonds buried in the earth. Most historians believe it happened in the 4th century BCE. For the next two millennia, India remained the only source of diamonds. Finally, new stashes were found in Brazil in 1725 and in South Africa in the 1870s. Let’s use this 2,000-year gap as a metaphor for your life, Libra. I suspect that far too many months have passed since you’ve located a fresh source of a certain treasure or bounty you crave. That will change in 2025. Here come long-delayed blessings! SCORPIO: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: In my vision of your life in 2025, you will dramatically enhance how togetherness works for you. Below are four questions to help guide your explorations and breakthroughs. (1) Is it feasible to change yourself in ways that enable you to have a more satisfying relationship with romantic love? (2) Will you include your intimate relationships as an essential part of your spiritual path — and vice versa? (3) What work on yourself can you do to heal your old wounds and thereby make yourself a better partner and collaborator? (4) Can you help your best allies to heal their wounds and thereby become better partners and collaborators? SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 In Japanese, the word for “frog” sounds similar to the word meaning “to
CAPRICORN: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 Since 1985, musician David Gilmour has led Pink Floyd. The band has sold over 250 million records. He’s in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in both the UK and the U.S. But my favorite thing about Gilmour is that he’s a passionate activist who has crusaded for animal rights, environmentalism, poverty, and human rights. A few years ago, he auctioned off 120 of his guitars, raising over $21 million for an environmentalist charity. In accordance with astrological omens, I propose we make him one of your inspirational role models in 2025, Capricorn. May he mobilize you to use your stature and clout to perform an array of good works that are of service to your world. AQUARIUS: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 Aquarian author Virginia Woolf extolled the virtues of cultivating a supple soul that thrives on change. She pledged to be relentless in her commitment to be authentically herself and not succumb to groupthink. I recommend you make these two of your featured themes in 2025. To inspire your efforts, I will quote her radical perspective at length: “Movement and change are the essence of our being; rigidity is death; conformity is death: let us say what comes into our heads, repeat ourselves, contradict ourselves, fling out the wildest nonsense, and follow the most fantastic fancies without caring what the world does or thinks or says.” PISCES: Feb.19 – March 20 In 1992, two friends promised each other that if either of them ever won the lottery, they’d share it with the other. Twenty-eight years later, that’s exactly what happened. In 2020, Thomas Cook bought a ticket that turned out to be the winner of the Powerhouse jackpot in Wisconsin. He called Joseph Feeney with the good news. After paying taxes, both men were $5.7 million richer. I’m not predicting the exact same sequence for your future, Pisces. But like Cook and Feeney, I expect you’ll glean pleasing rewards generated from seeds planted in the past.. Homework: Make the most positive prediction about your future that you can dare to imagine. Newsletter.FreeWillAstrology.com
SERVICES
FOR RENT
ADULT
MASSAGE
MIDTOWN APARTMENTS AVAILABLE NEAR WAYNE STATE.
ADULT ENTERTAINMENT
RELAXING NURU MASSAGE for the quarantine must not be sick. Must be clean and wear mask. Outcalls only incalls are at your cost Hey I’m here to help. This is Candy melt in your mouth so try my massages they’re sweet as can be!!! (734) 596-1376
Utilities Included! Studios - $750-800 1-Beds - $800-900 2-Beds - $1,200 Month to Month leases Security Deposit + 1st month to move-in. No DOGS, Cats OK Contact Peabody Management: 313-319-3001 Please leave a voicemail and someone will return your call.
SERVICES AUTOMOTIVE
CARS FOR KIDS DONATIONS
DONATE YOUR VEHICLE to fund the search for missing children. FAST FREE PICKUP. 24 hour response. Running or not. Maximum Tax Deduction and No Emission Test Required! Call 24/7: 877-266-0681.
HIRING SEXY WOMEN!!! Hiring sexy women (& men). Highly Paid Magazine, Web, and Movie/TV work. no experience needed, all sizes accepted. 313-289-2008.
ADULT ENTERTAINMENT
RAQUEL Clean & Discreet 38 Triple D, 5’7” Long Dark Hair Entertainment Professional Call - 734-334-6133
SERVICES MEDICAL
DIAGNOSED WITH LUNG CANCER? You may qualify for a substantial cash award even with smoking history. NO obligation! We’ve recovered millions. Let us help!! Call 24/7, 1-888-376-0595
metrotimes.com | December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 47
48 December 25, 2024-January 7, 2025 | metrotimes.com