ISSUE 3
MUNSTER,
MONDAY,
OCT
1
2007
YOINK
STAFF EDITORS : Jimmy Mcsavage DESIGN/PHOTO : Steve Johnson ADVERTS : Bill O’ Brien
CONTACT EMAIL: whipeditor@gmail.com mcsavage7@gmail.com WEB : myspace.com/postwhip CORK : 085 8163091 LIMERICK: 085 8117993
SUBMISSIONS WORDS : P.Clancy, Donal Mcgee, E. Tek, R. Jacobs, Dan. S, City Mouse, Ronan Higgins, Jack Foley, Nicky Marks, Barry Mcgee
SUBMISSIONS ILLUSTRATIONS : M-Boy, Brendan Mcarthy, Ruth Crean, Dodgy.
SOUND Paddy B, Foley, J.Burton, Vinny, L.fahey, Mike, Colm, Steve, Lisa, Mel
LEGAL The veiws expressed in The Whipping Post are those of the respective contributors and are not necessarily shared by the newspaper or any of its staff. Whipping Media accepts no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts, photographs illustrtaions or promotional items. Copyright in Ireland and abroad as held by the publisher or by freelance contributiors. Whipping Media©2007
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Issue 03
STEVE JOHNSON ©
THE CATWALK
Some sections of the fun loving Cork establishment think that the Catwalk is a shithole. One summer evening I was strolling down Princes St. headed for the very pleasure den when I heard some dildos form Pres or Christians refer to the place as the ‘Ratwalk.’ Right there and then I bottled nine of them before gatchin my way in to the place that I call home – the Catwalk.
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I’ve been coming to the Catwalk sine I was conceived there – in the Catwalk everyone’s my daddy. The place is in my blood so I was delighted with myself when I was asked to put a piece together for The Whipping Post about what the Catwalk means to Cork. If Fr. Matthew were ever to come down off his statue this would be his first port of call. The Catwalk is to Cork as Cheers was to New York or the Old Vic is to East Enders. It’s a cultural place too, Da Vinci wrote that Da Vinci Code film down the back after a rake of bad pills. Anyway as part of the Catwalk’s seventeenth birthday I caught up with two of its most famous patrons and most regular regulars; none other than Cindy Crawford and Thelma Mansfield (she used to be shagging Marty Whelan even though he is a gaylord). They spill everything about the early days, the late nights and pregnancy scares, bent Gardai and charity work that Cindy is doing in the Horn of Africa. ME: First of all Cindy, the Catwalk is like a second bedroom to you, what makes it so special? CINDY CRAWFORD: (really) : “The craic and the music and the way those crazy Irish Cork boys flatter and charm. ” Giggles. “I just love County Ireland. ME: Right.” ME: Ok, Thelma (she’s still got decent jugs readers) of all the bars in all the cities on all the planets – why the Catwalk? THELMA: “It’s like what Cindy said but also because the women, my sisters, are ‘leg-bags’. I once saw a girl bite this guy’s ear right off, spit it into her pint and knock the whole thing back before stripping off and running up and down the bar. ME: “What about the detractors (like those knobjockeys in the Bodega) who say that all the regulars are the result of one guys sperm and that you’d find more intelligence on the No.3 bus? THELMA: People say and do horrible things – look what’s happening
in places like, Africa, parts of Persia, most of Dublin. It’s about perspectives. CINDY: Did you say the tractors? ME: Who’s the most famous person you two have met in here? Thelma: I once saw Roy Keane’s dad in here. In the early days he used to do promotion and bring a lot of the Night Owl players in here. You tend to see a lot of people in here when you’re off your nut. CINDY: “Yeah.” Giggles. “I think I once saw Neil Prenderville in the middle of a big group of Filipino Sailors in uniform. They were so much fun.” Some guy in a Celtic jersey interrupts claiming Thelma Mansfield is his mum. He gives her a love bite. She follows him into the toilets. ME: What else besides the Catwalk attracts you two to Cork? CINDY: “We’re both big fans of the Butter Museum – we’re on their mailing list, in fact I told Armani he should make butter.” CINDY: (giggling).”Obviously places like the Bandon Bells Tower, the Coliseum, the Joshua Tree, Grand Parade before they dug it up, Wilton Shopping Centre, too, for de shopping. ME: Ok, ladies, it’s been great. Before I finish up where do you see the Catwalk in another seventeen years? CINDY:: “There’s been talk of getting into food, organic food, maybe working with those squares in WildWays – but I think just more of the same madness and badness and craziness. I love you Dublin.” ME: Oh I forgot we forgot to mention bent Gardai, well there you have it. Many thanks to Cindy and all the staff in the Catwalk. Happy Seventeenth guys. R. JACOBS
01.10.07
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THE ANARCHIST MANIFESTO
narchy is one of the most highly judged words in the English language. People have so many biases towards anarchy because they don’t know what it stands for, they have been handed the wrong information and wrong press. Anarchy is thought of as purley chaos, George Woodcock sees the anarchist as best thought of as ‘’a man who has abandoned all principles - and at worst a mindless terrorist.’’ But for anyone willing to look deeper the ideas behind anarchy are very different to the judgements and just like any other political thoughts, anarchy has a good side and a bad. Underneath all the harsh anarchistic action seen throughout the years is a desire for a purely smoothrunning and peaceful, natural society. One held high on mans true nature and as a human who also possesses the primitive instinct; the instinct of the animal. Anarchy is pro justice and anti racism, sexism, and almost every other inequality our societies produce. It trys to tackle the contemporary problems of our socities that have been made by modernisation, globalisation and capitalism. In theory anarchism has very well thought out ideas for the set up of harmonious social situations. Anarchy is just the by-product of inequality, its a way of trying to balance out the world. Anarchy is not a new theory either. It was born in ancient Greece and China, among their philosophers, it can also be seen appearing in the middle ages in heretical Christian sects. Here i find the ancient saying ‘’as a moral being man can live best without being ruled.’’ One of the major ideas behind anarchy is that government and governce of any kind is unnecessary. The anarchist is the person who sets out to create a society without government. There is a strong belief, and even stronger fact that government is a harmful thing. Anarchy is just a breakaway from usual social beliefs and a questioning of our deeply embedded daily routine that we all follow without second thought. It gets rid of ‘the way things are’ cliche. It challanges conformity. It wants us to wake up and get angry at the way things are being done. Anarchy prizes voluntary organisation and other alternative forms over typical government. These are seen to produce more room for growth of the individual, more social solidarity and
an empowerment for change. The anarchist society is like an organism, one which has many different parts working together equally to make the whole, an organism that grows and changes accordingly with the laws of nature. Therefore anarchists see the way forward first as destruction (of the old government) and then construction (of the new community). This is where alot of the negative thoughts about anarchy come from. One of the first proclaimed anarchists; Pierre Joseph Proudhon says this, ‘’to be governed is to be watched over, inspected, spied on, directed, legislated over, regulated, docketed, in-doctrined, preached at, controlled, assessed, weighed, censored, ordered about, by men who have either right, nor knowledge, nor virtue. That is government, that is its justice, that is its morality.’’ Anarchism does not understand that there should be anything like the human struggle and the need for freedom, freedom and justice should be innate, should be born with us, not fought for. And for this ideal to be a truth the anarchist is willing to rebel and revolt, violently or peacefully for the bettering of mankind. Authority makes men strangers to eachother, full of fear and lacking the bonds we all are born with, that we are all of the same species, striving for the same things, in equality. All one has to do is look to tribal people to realise that man is a naturally social and co-operative creature. Anarchy is good in theory but because there has never been any long term anarcist communes it is hard to say wether it would work well in theory. It would liberate the individual and reverse the pyramid of power benefiting the individual. Authority and systems permeate all areas of life, in overt and hidden forms from the school room to the home for the elderly. We are surrounded by organisations run by rich men and the governement for the benifit of themselves and each other. If this were not the case then the president would live in a county council house while his land was divided among the homeless. All one need to do to realise that the political systems we have in this ‘modern’’ world are not working for us all, is look out your window, or on the main street in your home town, or best place of all....the news. CITY MOUSE
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT ‘Over the last four years I’ve been studying men and women from every country in Europe. We analyse their BMI, facial symmetry, muscle tone, skin condition, just about every aspect of the body.”
Average Irish Male
Average Italian Male
Startling new evidence has emerged proving that Irish people are the ugliest in Europe. A quick look around The Whipping Post office would suggest otherwise but sadly we do not make up the national average. Dr Jake Leary, Head of research at Carlow I.T has been conducting an extensive survey involving thousands of Europeans from all walks of life. His findings have confirmed our worst fears, our man from Stradbally caught up with Dr Leary to get the facts straight.
It wasn’t long before patterns started to emerge. Dr Leary was forced to fight off his patriotism in an effort to remain unbiased. “It became apparent quite early on in the survey that the Irish participants were mingers. Irish men often have hairy backs, pasty skin, gappy teeth and beer bellies. If you compare us to say, an average tall, dark and handsome Italian man the differences are quite obvious. Similarly Irish women tend to have fat arses and ugly faces, this coupled with an abundance of orange make up usually makes a disastrous combo.” When asked why he thought the Irish nation were so kicked he replied, “My research suggests that our small gene pool has a lot to do with it, that and the inbreeding that occurs in our more rural communities.”If our small gene pool is to blame then the influx of Eastern Europeans, Africans and Asians could help us to breed a generation of “lookers”. We at the post are encouraging our more patriotic readers to interbreed in a bid to raise our national average, so that some day we will not be the ugliest nation in Europe. DONAL MCGEE
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Issue 03
PROC MUSIC
Last issue we were banging on about PR companies and other necessary evils on the road to music success. This time we provide some advice/counselling for those desperately struggling to get as far as making their band’s first noise in the practice room…
PRACTICE MAKES PAIN If you’re being seen as settling into the unofficial band player-manager, the lazy bastards are going to hammer you so get used to it. You’ll have to walk the fine line between making sure the band’s progress plods along nicely and not falling out with the unpredictable but vital cogs of your brand new music machine. To build a set relatively quickly you’ll need at least two practices a week. Setting up practices can be a nightmare but try to find a regular night of the week that suits everyone and then set up another session at the weekends. Make it so that practice is assumed to be on every week and that texts confirming this aren’t necessary – that way there can’t be any excuses about not having phones switched on. With just one session you’ll spend the first hour trying to remember what you did last time instead of progressing. Top up-and-coming bands practice every day because when the Ryan Tubridy Shows and TG4 come calling for a last minute replacement you’ll need be as tight as possible to capitalise on the hundred thousand or so people tuned in.
JOHNSON ©
Realising it’s now time they were half an hour’s drive away, they might start thinking about having a shower before getting ready. Any logic like having the car pre-loaded with their equipment is wishful thinking on your behalf. When they arrive they won’t acknowledge they are late and will instead sit on their equipment and recall stories of how mad their weekend was. After that they’ll have a smoke. When they’ve made a cup of tea and rolled another ‘phat one’ they might eventually start opening hard cases.
whether you like it or not. The minute you step on stage the audience are judging you – your clothes, your stage manner, the way you dance and what you say to the crowd. Irish crowds don’t go for showmanship as much as say, Americans and we’re far more cynical of anybody trying to be something they’re not so be sensible. If an Irish audience get a sense that you’re trying to be somebody you’re not you’re fucked. We just have higher standards of acting…
Just as you’re about to politely suggest you get things under way, your man will announce with a chuckle that he has actually forgotten to put the guitar into the case and will have to head back home to get it.
If your lead singer is a bit loopy this helps greatly. Encourage him or her to be a bit eccentric and weird in the practice room. Dance around a bit and really get into your tunes because if you don’t and you look bored on stage the audience is going there with you. There’s nothing more draining than watching a bored musician go through the motions.
GRIN AND BEAR
GET TIGHT
If there are two particular band members who can’t agree on a time or keep cancelling band practice then don’t be the fool caught in the middle. Get them to sort it out between themselves and then call you and the more flexible members of the band with the compromise arrangement. This saves you feeling like you’re a hyper-menstruating middle aged mother as well as some valuable mobile credit and a head full of dates.
Nobody wants this band thing to get too serious too quick but, the minute your new drummer pulls a can of Dutch Gold out of his kit bag as you discuss the new eight bar bridge is not the man you’re looking for. A few smokes and gats after the session is great to look forward to, but only once the work is done.
BAN MOBILES
GET A GIG
While we’re on the topic. Unless your bass player is expecting a call about his dying Grandmother or you’re expecting Johnny Sony to call with details of your new studio with the panoramic sea views in Monaco you’ve got to turn all phones off during practice. That’s “off” and not on silent. As well as annoyingly buzzing the PA speakers every few minutes they provide a distraction. Some mobile lovers can’t resist the temptation to answer a call mid-tune which causes valuable progress to grind to a halt. This scribe once witnessed a drummer trying to read texts from a mobile phone positioned on the ground next to his hit hi-hat stand with his toes. Needless to say the tune’s tempo wavered as wildly as tempers in the room.
Nobody expects you to be able to gig after just a handful of practice sessions but book a gig two months or so in advance after you’ve got the bones of four or five songs together. Having something to aim for will put some light pressure on to build a ten or eleven song set. Don’t buy into the “I’m waiting until everything’s perfect to start gigging” bullshit. A football team wouldn’t play the first round of a championship without a practice match. The gig doesn’t have to be anything major and you don’t need more than 50 minutes of music especially if you’re supporting a more established local band which is an ideal way to get your stuff out in the open with the added pressure of being the headline act and trying to draw a crowd.
BEING LATE
PRACTICE PERFORMANCE
Musicians are the most unreliable people on earth. They’re even worse than Ryanair and ladas. While you might be twiddling your thumbs in the practice room at the agreed rendezvous time of 7pm, your band members are sitting on the couch watching the end of Home and Away.
Only musicians believe that people will warm
BOoZE
to their music based on the quality of it alone. In jazz, classical and trad that might be the case but in the cold world of popular music it is upon the entire package and the performance that keep the audiences will rate you…
You don’t have to go into an immediate state of post-gig analysis and take cold baths after a performance but try to fix the things that didn’t work. If people are complaining that they can’t hear the singer don’t blame the soundman, maybe you’re drummer is smashing his kit so hard that he can’t be heard. It’s a problem that comes up in bands time and time again. If people are bouncing up and down at the front of the stage that’s great but don’t assume because a few drunk impressionable eighteen year olds are worshipping you that the rest of the room are tongue wagging too. Watch the middle of the room and see how people are reacting. When you hit a dramatic part of a song are they looking up and bopping their head or are they reading the crumpled John 3:7 pamphlet they just dug out of their pocket? Launching from one song into another song quickly makes you sound really tight. For loud bands the more parts you can put into a track that require good timing and staccato stabs and stops the better. Practice these parts until your fingers bleed because this is what’ll impress Average Joe, not the use of onomatopoeia in the last line of the second verse. After all it’s Average Joe who will make you or break you.
01.10.07
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TOP 10 WORST IRISH ACCENTS Warwick Davis: THE LEPRECHAUN
10
It seems the accent assumed by the vertically challenged Englishman, Warwick Davis, for this cracking movie, was used as a basis for all other actors to follow. The character is the personification of what every idiotic yank with a claim to Irish ancestry imagines Irishness to be, including the ridiculous brogue and the uncontrollable urge to shine the buckles of grubby shoes.
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Kilmer starred alongside our no.10, Davis, in Willow, and instead of going to Ireland or listening to real Irish accents, he sat down with Warwick and repeatedly watched ‘Leprechaun in the Hood.’
Val Kilmer: GHOST & THE DARKNESS
8. Heather Graham – From Hell She may have had a shock of red hair and been as loose as a northside skank at ten to two on a Saturday night, but the accent is from some phony Oirland of yore.
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JULIA ROBERTS: MICHAEL COLLINS
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Neil Jordan had the cheek to try and pass someone with a face as American as a high school massacre off as an Irish lass called Kitty. Shame on you Neil and shame on you Julia, the accent was brutal.
Stafford Repp: O’ HARA IN BATMAN (THE SERIES)
6
Tis yourself Batman be gorra!” I feel a little guilty including this sound bastard in the list, I loved him when I was a kid, but his Irish brogue was so bad that the actor who played commissioner Gordon actually had an issue with him about it in real life.
5
Darby O Gill is a shit-cool name, he kicks ass in a savage bar fight at the end of the movie, but the accent lets him down big time. Disappointing from a fellow Celt.
Sean Connery: DARBY O GILL
Pierce Brosnan: EVELYN
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Weird to have an Irishman in a list of the worst Irish accents, but if you’ve heard this Meath-born snobs attempts at a Dublin accent you’d have to put him in the top 5.
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Richard Gere: THE JACKAL
There was never a man born on these fair shores with a face as smug as this fuck. He looks as much like a RA man as Prince Charles, and the accent fluxuates between kiwi, Australian, and South African throughout the movie. The prick couldn’t even manage the right hemisphere.
Tom Cruise: FAR AND AWAY
2
“Oi don’t want ta fight ya” he says before he punches his horse in the jaw. He fooled the horse you see, the horse wasn’t expecting the punch you understand. That’s as Irish as bacon and cabbage isn’t it? Well, actually, no Tom, its not, it’s as Irish as Lucky Charms.
1
Spacey tops the list for a number of reasons. His interpretation of Martin Cahill sounds not to have grown up in inner city Dublin, but the outer bog regions of Kerry into a family of Mafioso Leprechauns. That’s pretty fucking irritating in itself, but what’s worse is the fact that he rates himself highly as an actor. So highly, that he felt it unnecessary to mimic the accents of his Dublin born co-stars, his accent was better apparently.
Kevin Spacey: ORDINARY IRISH CRIMINALS
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Issue 03
T
HIPPIE-CRIT
STEVE JOHNSON ©
Take a moment to come with me on a voyage through the ins and outs of the truest and most alarming Evil of War. Irritating talk-gooders (as opposed to DO-gooders) yapping in my ear…
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They say war is good for business, but what it’s really good for is hippies. And when I use the word “hippie”, what I really mean is “pretend hippies”. Those who opt out without opting into anything else. In my entire life, I would say I have met about four genuine hippies, who are the real thing and as well as smelling like incense, take a hands on approach to addressing the nasty and brutish aspects of Life. This article is not for them. This, rather, is for the legion of dread-locked, thought-blocked, doob-stocked twats that are set to change the world…riiiiiighht after this next spliff. Where the hell would that lot be without Dubya, hm? Sitting around some campfire in the wilderness, taking care not to let their grease-streaked and ultra flammable facial hair hang too close to he flames as they lean over and press their wax-caked ears to the ground listening for the heartbeat of Mother Earth , that’s where. That or Galway. What was Bush’s greatest crime? Was it sending a nation to war on false pretences?
One of the bad things war does is make stupid people think they are doing good. Potentially. Withdrawing from the Kyoto Treaty, that’s up there. Denial of human rights to prisoners in Guantanamo Bay? Possibly. Or was it galvanising that rainbow-coloured troop of lice infested earth-warriors, giving to them a soap box (the only kind of soap box they’ll ever encounter) which would support each and every one of them, thousands, spreading like mould on the cheese of injustice? Unquestionably, yes. People might be reading this and thinking
that I am for the war, those people, like so many others I have come across, would be wrong. Because I am against the race of wishy-unwashied peace-niks is not to say I am for the war. War, in general, I am saying, is a bad thing, and one of the bad things war does is to make stupid people think they are doing good. Newsflash stink-o: Bumbling around town, irritating people with the hums and haws of “oppression this” and “democracy that” is not a good cause. You want to be the authors of a good cause? Then I suggest you do as the people upon whom your parents sponged did, and get a job. Instead of taking up your dijiri-dos against a sea of troubles, and thinking by opposing them in spirit that you end them, put down your pipe, stop tending to your plants which you have oh-so comically named after the Monkees, take a job you don’t like, and earn a wage you actually deserve. Then, take half of that wage, and send it to some hungry kids in Iraq. In two weeks you will have accomplished more than thirty years of wandering about handing out star shaped stickers to anyone that can bear
01.10.07 the stench of you for longer than thirty seconds. Or better yet, join the Peacecorp or UNICEF, or even Greenpeace (just remember to shut-up about it when you get back to this capitalist, bourgeoisie society) instead of organising rallies in Eyre Square where you accomplish the grand feat of disrupting traffic. Way to stick it to the man, Rafi.
Stop watching Oprah. Stop eating shit. Stop contaminating things. Stop walking past homeless people in the street. Do something in body. Sitting in a circle and sending positive energy is all very well and good, just remember, starving African children are not praying for prayers. They’re not looking forward to getting up tomorrow and sitting around a breakfast table with mounds and mounds of “good vibes” heaped on their plates. They need food and money. Not beads. Not copies of The Celestine Prophecies. Not scented oils or candles, but Money. That nasty thing you loathe so much, that’s right Krustovsky, so take your pan-pipes to the employment centre and start looking for work. You might see that as selling out your socialist ideals. That is because you think socialist ideals might fetch a price. They won’t. You are selling out nothing. What you are doing is taking the burden of responsibility for the miserable things in this world onto yourself, instead of pointing your grimy fingers at everyone else, and then, if you so choose, you can try and alleviate some of that misery through your own personal charity. That is where it begins. With yourself. Look at that massive freedom-blob, Michael Moore. Hands up who thinks he’s great! Yeah? No. Michael Moore is a smug, exploitative, sensationalist mediawhore who is popular because he takes that horrible burden of responsibility off the shoulders of America and places it squarely with Bush. How convenient. “It’s not our fault; it’s that idiot in the White House”. Oh right, wow, you really got taken for a ride there. I mean, all the terrible things that have happened in the last four years are a direct result of Bush’s presidency and have absolutely nothing to do with the culture that has been crawling out of the States since the cancer of the cold war and the real politics of fear began. Stop watching Oprah. Stop eating shit. Stop contaminating things. Stop walking past homeless people in the street. Stop just waiting until it’s your turn to speak instead of listening. Stop buying into bullshit music.
Stop letting Jerry Bruckheimer get away with it. Stop pretending to be socialists. Stop protesting unless it’s an actual protest, and not a “demonstration”. Stop talking. Start doing. All of that, which applies to the States, can and sadly, does, apply to Ireland also. Except of course, we’re a nation of alcoholics as well, but I digress. The point I am making is this; we make heroes out of men who help us feel better about ourselves because it is easier than being one. If somebody is “taking on injustice”, then we can get (hide) behind them and give them our support. Well, as far as Michael Mór goes, targeting a sick man with his brain dying in his skull (i.e. Heston) is not heroic. Letting a camera roll as a mother grieves over the loss of her son is not heroic. Making flippant remarks about the state of the world while manipulating footage of dismembered children is not heroic. What it is, is easy. Bualadh fucking bos, Mike. Keep it up. Keep us protesting, from the comfort of our living rooms. If every hemp-clothed clown that objected in the street to this, or any other war went and joined the Red Cross or something of the sort, then that would be a difference. That would be something. But they don’t and so, instead of getting my attention, they inspire my contempt. For all his posturing and posing, at least Bono gets something done. I hear the inevitable argument “but he is a celebrity, and can use his fame to greater effect than I can, even though I am more of an artist than he will ever be…look, I have a Diablo…” Well, in response to that I would say Bono, and really, he is on the list, but still, what he is doing is using his job to help the third world, (and to help his job). Tired of playing Jesus to the lepers in his head, he now has real ones to play Bono with. It is hard not to get lost in cynicism when addressing this sort of thing, but still (deep breath)… he must be given credit for not just making noise, he is active. Even that prick Geldolf the Grey comes in for a bit of kudos in that respect. Use what is at your disposal. What is at your disposal? More than lipservice, that’s for sure. More than angry talk in warm pubs. More than funny hairdos and bright trousers. More than most are willing to do, more than most will ever. Don’t ever be stupid enough to think “well, I’ve done my part”, because it will never be enough. Not until words are reclaimed by action. They used to be so powerful, words. Now, they are part-time things, detached from meaning, devalued by all the bullshit. And what have I done, you ask, to be any less of a hypocrite? Well, I suppose, not too much, in the face of what is possible. Does this piece count for anything? It might, if you are one of those I have inadvertently or, in another more accurate way, intentionally, insulted, and you feel the ignition of indignity burning in your “old souls”, stirring you to come up with a new petition, perhaps, that will put pressure on the people with petitions to take their energy
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to the right places, to deliver those petitions personally, (including you) to the places they wish to help? But that is altogether too hopeful. Maybe some kind of press gang would be more manageable, and certainly, a lot more enjoyable. I am sick to surfeit of the clap-trap and balderdash I have had to listen to in this country for the last few years. From politician to pot-head, it’s all been sheer guff (and not the good, Johnny Giles kind of guff either) as long as I can remember, with the exception of some great individuals in whom I store my hope for this place. As yet, it is true I have done little. Not expecting to solve the problems in the world through the ancient art of juggling, though, is something. I’m going to try and learn some, and live some, and when I’m done, I’m going to come back armed with that experience, and I am going to wade into this swill again, and I am going to do all that I can to make sure that some people know it’s alright to kick against the pricks. I am going to do all that I can. Even though I have a big and broken nose, even though my teeth are crooked and stained, even though I have a xylophonic rib-cage, even though I have a large unsightly mole on my left leg, even though I rant and rave and even though I am weak and forget to brush my hair a lot of the time, I will try. What’s more, I will take all of that imperfection, and I will hurl it at those who refuse to see their own. So out of your hammocks and onto your feet, up with your arms and down with your vegetarian dishes. Cut the shit. It, much like yourself, (you know who you are) is no longer washing. To the rest of you, go and wait outside the nearest hostel window, and when the inevitable Crusty McPustule sticks his head out in the morning and says “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” look him square in the soul and say “Yeah? Prove it.” – P. Clancy.
DOCTOR JENNINGS MEDICAL QUERIES ANSWERED
MARY TWOMEY: I’ve got a rash all over my body, headaches, fever, fatigue, sore throat, patchy hair loss, any ideas? DR. JENNINGS: Well Mary sounds to me like you’be been a bit loose as these are 2nd stage symptoms of syphilis, have a bit a respect for yourself love.
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Issue 03
SCIENTOLOGY
HUBBARD ©
Humanity is in crisis, callous materialism, collapse of the extended family, church scandals and a host of other factors have left us swirling helplessly in a cauldron of spiritual melt down.
O
ur arms reach up groping for a lifeline or elixir, a belief system, a panacea for our woes, something to separate us from the rest of the animals and rub balm on the wounds of existentialist angst, which fester at us, daily. Fortunately, for as many people that there are searching for help, there seems to be even more promising it. Bookstores shelves groan under the weight of self-help books, televangelists screech ‘give until it hurts’, why one of these ‘philanthropists’ will be the first Irish man in space. Ah, it brings a smile to your face, thinking about these folk as you purchase your quicklime discreetly. Others will say, well if it comforts people then that’s something good surely. But both camps will concede that some of these charlatans are more insidious and charge all too chilling a price for their brand of snake oil. Some of these peddlers are not content with just your money, some want your house, some want your mind and some even want your body to wrap explosives around. Well as intriguing and safe as the idea of infiltrating a terrorist cell seemed to my editor, I pusillanimously decided to go for the less deadly but as nefarious group, the Church of Scientology.
Birthed by L.Ron Hubbard , the sci-fi writer quoted as saying ‘ the best way to get rich is to start your own religion’, it
I dressed as I expected a cult member potential would. I looked slovenly, unshaven and unfocused. sprang from an innocent self help book called ‘ Dianetics’, an ‘alternative ‘science’ to psychology, it posits that we are pure spirits or thetans that become clouded by traumas as innocuous as noises during childbirth. It also says that only through intensive ‘auditing’ can we hope to realise our true natures and potentials. It is a drudging read, as are most religious tomes, so perhaps that counted in its favour to the thousands who quickly joined the movement in the fifties. Annoyed that he had to pay for his lies, whereas others didn’t, L.Ron and co. applied for, and received recognition as a church in USA. Over the next few decades, as the religion grew, so did the books, so did the courses, so did the coffers. What’s their
pitch? What kind of people join? And why would one of them jump up and down on Oprah Winfreys couch? I wanted answers and so travelled to their London lair on Tottenham court road. I dressed as I expected a cult member potential would. I looked slovenly, unshaven and unfocused. ‘Would you like to take a free stress test’ asked a smiling middle-aged man named Charles. ‘Who me?” I replied, shocked that anyone would ask me anything. His smile grew; he’d found a mark. As I held on to the handles of the E-meter, a device which measures electricity in the body, I was asked to think about various people and situations in my life and the needle would twitch to the right if I had high stress levels. Surprise, surprise mine seemed to suggest I could spontaneously combust at any moment. “So what do you do for a living Ronan?” he asked. “Nothing really, im unemployed" I whined. “But you do have money right?!” he demanded with a phantasmorical expression. Was it one of disgust or of overwhelming
01.10.07
“I have some, yeah, thanks anyway. We both sighed in collective relief, id passed the first test. He ushered me inside for a personality test. This was it, I had penetrated the inner sanctum, I would have to play it cool, the slightest faltering could betray my motives and i’d have to infiltrate that terror cell after all. “Do you know Scientology”,
anything
about
“No." I lied, looking at him dead in the eyes. My face started to twitch, my lungs writhed and my stomach spasmed, i was about to crack up with laughter. I broke eye contact, turned away and managed to suppress my laughter into a subtle snort. How James Bond I thought. What a fucking loser Charles surely thought looking at my nervous body language, poor posture, eye contact and unpredictable facial twitches. We went downstairs to a room with rows upon rows of desks. There were pamphlets lauding Scientology, its anti-drug programmes and on the walls were posters baring its tenets and pictures of terrifyingly happy people. I sat down at a desk and commenced the test, determined to approach it as honestly and seriously as I could. Then I read the questions. "Do you often sing or whistle to yourself for no reason?” was this a joke, I thought. Is it a legitimate question? It must be, it has a question mark at the end I reasoned. I’d never thought about it before. Had others? Am I the only one who hadn’t? Are they trying to provoke a crisis of introspection in me? Had my dog Rex really run away to join the circus when I was 7 ticked the maybe box? Only 199 questions to go. Particularly memorable gems were, "do you like to do activities of your own choosing? (Had anyone ever answered no to this). Do people ever criticize you behind your back to others? (Presumably a test for psychic powers). Do your muscles ever twitch for no logical reason? (I looked in vain for the only-when-im-trying-to-muffle-mylaughter box). Answering 200 of such incredibly banal questions really is a trial for the human brain, but then perhaps that’s the point, perhaps they’re trying to scan for aliens or should I say reincarnated former scientologists who’ve returned from distant planets. No really. Next came the IQ test and finally the aptitude test, a test so bizarre it defies explanation via the written word. All this took an hour and a half and my brain hurt. But the fun bit was next, the results. The results were pretty grim said Adam a cocksure scientologist of two years. “Basically your unstable" he twanged in his South African accent. I shook my head. “Your nervous “I looked away. “Your depressed” I buried my head in my hands and wept a silent hysterical laugh. “Your
a horrible person to be around” ouch that hurt, Adam. "You’re extremely critical of your friends and they really don’t like you at all”. This really was scurrilous; I haven’t had a friend in years. Throughout his tirade, Adam kept saying that’s right and nodding his head, two techniques used by hypnotists for breaking down a persons critical factor and making them accept a suggestion. He sneered at me as if id just defecated into my hands and offered him some. ‘Whats the problem Ronan?’ I groped in the air for some words, some lie to put together, but could think of none. “It’s just not coming together,” I confessed. "There, there I understand Ronan" he smiled, I was broken, his work was done. He left and was replaced by a gangly New Zealander named David. Think of Gill the hapless salesman from the simpsons."What you need to do is get this book and get this course". Really I said, id been in for two hours and had gotten very little answers, I decided to go for the jugular, so David how long have you been a Scientologist? seven years. Wow you must be clear at this stage?
I envisioned him being paddled for 6 days, his tongue glued to the inside of a urinal. “Funnily enough no” he looked away. “So who is this Xenu, overlord of the intergalactic confederacy?” “I, er, its,” “Why is scientology seen as manipulative and sinister?” Only by journalists came the sulky childish reply, the penny dropping that I wouldn’t be buying into his poxy little cult and he wouldn’t be hitting his sales target after all. Yes they have them. It was at this point id planned on launching into him, asking him how much money he’d wasted, what did his family think, when was he going to wake up and smell the snake oil. Then I looked into his eyes, they told me he accepted he’d lost the sale, it possibly meant a reprimand, possibly a paddling. And sure it was a scam, a wild goose chase devised by a megalomaniacal sci-fi writer, but damn it, it made him feel special. Please don’t ruin this for me, his eyes begged. I did not perform the coup de grace, I made my excuses and left. It was a glorious feeling to be free, as I breathed in the fresh air, I wondered what would become of David. I envisioned him being paddled for 6 days, his tongue glued
to the inside of a urinal, asking himself what is he doing there, why don’t I leave. But then he’d realise he’s in control of his life after all, and sometimes that’s just too daunting a prospect. Then I realised that we all need something to believe in and as long as we do there’ll be someone to profit from that need, be it a drug dealer, a car salesman or mind-controlling cult. It was a profound epiphany but a mere prelude to the sublime truth which dawned on me then. The truth of truths, which I will share with you, for a price. Just call 1800 666 666 RONAN HIGGINS
(name has been changed due to fear)
LAUNCH PARTY PAUL TARPEY ©
concern? I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
www.freewebs.com/thewhippingpost
Limerick Launch Sept 6th Mickey Martins The Whipping Post Launch Night for Cork has now got a date and that date is a very fine one indeed, yes folks October 10th is truly a great date, its also a great day as that day is Wednesday. So come Wednesday October 10th haul yourself down to the Liquid Lounge on Marlboro St. Cork where we’ll be getting down to the very fine sounds of Sonic, a weekly celebration of great alternative tunes brought to you by Albert on his gramophone. There will be a drinks promotion for those on the cheap and you’ll also be able to pick up some very fine promotional merchandise such as badges, stickers copies of our very fine 3rd issue and also a free T- Shirt. Doors are at 10:30 pm and its free in up until 11:15, thereafter you’ll have to pay an economic 3 euro, but wait theres more, we’ve also done up some free passes for this fine occasion, so try and grab yourself one, they’ll be available in Primetime and Plugd records on Washington St. The Limerick Launch (Pictured above) went extremely well and all had a great ol time. If you require any more information on the launch night simply email whipeditor@ gmsil.com or call that one eyed cretin Steve Johnson on 085 8163091. Thanks to all for helping out on both Launch nights.
Issue 03
KIERAN HERLIHY ©
whipeditor@gmail.com
STENCIL winner Octobers winner of ‘Stencil of the month’ is Kieran Herlihy with his stencil (above). Check out his fine website on www. kieranherlihy.com. He will soon be the proud owner of a limited Whipping Post T-Sshirt. Remember every month we will pe picking a new winner so keep em coming in to whipeditor@gmail.com. Be sure to stencil them around somewhere and photogra We’l aslo like to thank the other submissions we recieved, well done lads and keep up the good work.
Louise Flannery Dublin
Stiv Limerick
DRAW WILLIE COMPETITION 13
Sean Braggin Waterford
Ciara Leary Cork
Janey Red Limerick
Dave Gorman Galway
Lily McGinty Athlone
Emmet Bennett Tipperary
Emma Lally Cork
Garreth Joyce Cork
We set 10 people up against each other and asked them to draw our minister of defence in no more than 1 minute. With the lust for 2 free tickets to the LCD Sound System Gig in Dublin, this is how they fared.
Sammy Donegal
Rory Kierans Shannon
WIENER Sammy Donegal
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A
B
c d
e
BRENDAN MACARThY A. Long Walk Home B. Crow C. Human Melt Brannigan Mac has got his approach in hands on mode. He’s cultivating his talent for illustration and graphic design and is building design awareness in Cork. Check out his website www. brendanmac.com brendanmac@rocketmedia.ie RUTH CREAN D. Toilet E. Beckett Often described ‘as that girl who does the toilets’, Ruth Crean is an up and coming young artist. In 2004 she graduated from LSAD, and for reasons her Jackeen family fail to comprehend she decided to stay in Stab city. For the past year Ruth has also been working for Limericks Impact Theatre Co. as their graphic designer, where she also provided the illustrations for a critical book of essays on Beckett. This Summer Limerick saw the introduction of a new artisan market. Ruth has a stall there where she sells a wide selection of limited edition handmade cards, photographs, paintings and drawings, and her ever popular ‘Mystery Boxes’. The market is held on Sundays 12-5 on Thomas St. And Bedford Row. ruthcrean@yahoo.ie
whipeditor@gmail.com
Issue 03
REVIEWS MUSIC FILM ART FOOD
SLAM
Dolans Warehouse 22nd September
Minimal tecchno was literally shaking the shit out of the jam packed warehouse, Slam tore the place apart with their groovy, clicky and pounding beats for a solid three hours. Sykes, bad boy and Cian Frawley did an immaculate job setting the tone early on. The atmosphere was unbelievable and It was as busy as ive seen the warehouse in many a year. Access all areas gigs should happen more frequently as it was reminissant of that place most of us should remember....... sir henrys! Pounding in the Warehouse yet Pa mulqueen and DiD kept the deepest of house going for a solid 5hr performance in the rammed upstairs surroundings. All in all this was a great nite for the Limerick dance scene and ohh yesss Strutt! Next time to strutt Jel Ford, Cian Frawley and Bad Boy Blast upstairs on Friday Oct 12th only 8 euro before 12. October Weekender Sat 27th and Sun 28th with Jazzman Gerald, Dom, Inland Knights and Green Velvet. For more info. 0879757998 www.dolanspub.com
r, Italian strippe e la po la La a in k G d inside a ca Was found dea leap from at t to she was mean ty. She had lain r a bachelor pa ide the cake for s in ed t suffoca as re her death w . o ef b an hour discovered
THE FEWER THE BETTER "...and the rest of the nights a blur"
T
he Fewer, The Better’s new album is a rampant genre blending fusion of fantastic rock. Entitled: "...and the rest of the nights a blur". It opens with (the track "40,000,000") a thunderous drum sound that commands your attention, joined by driving bass, it quickly takes off into a fury of psychodelic exuberance. Guaranteed to get you moving. The sound is big. Very big!! Its throbbing with powerful guitar riffs and shrieking solos. This theme continues into the second track "When its time (its time). This track produce by Bernie Torme (A legendary guitarist in his own right and former axe man for Gillan and Ozzy Osbourne) sees the band putting their slant on the classic blues rock formula to create an anthemic party romp. After this Frenetic start we hear the band settling down into a perfectly crafted pop rock number entitled "Angela’s Alright". A fun story of a song about the situations of a relationship. Here we feel the bands punk influences starting to creep in. Now the lads get dark with their fourth track "Last Man Standing". A distinct western feel is present in this track. Moody, romantic and panoramic. This track features violins from Clare PProduct of notorious punk outfit AntiProduct, who the lads toured with last year. This emotive track will take you out across the bayou and into the dark world of the lone gunman. "Lady of the Valley". Track 5 is a complete break from the previous tracks yet retains the same elements that make The Fewer, The Better such a distinctive band. Its a welcome rest in the midst of this opus. Featuring backing vocals by one of Irelands leading musicians, Pierce Turner, this track is spiritual in nature and chronicles the attempt of a pilgrim to find salvation. Just when you think your getting to that middle album, filler song teritory, The Fewer, The Better ramp it up again with "One Bullet". A delicious guitar rock number that hooks you in and gets your juices flowing. Again a strong anthemic feel to this track which continues into the next one "Moneyshot". Here the band really bring out the punk! Its fun its brash it has a porn clip in the middle of it!! Fantastic. The pace never lets up. Now im wondering where else there is for these guys to go. then "Second Best" begins. Again dark but energetic, driving. It explodes at the chorus with dazzling guitar riffage. Further showcasing the lads ability.The next track "About the Weekend" is a humorous portrail of a weekend spent with the afore mentioned Anti-Product. This is where the guys get funky! Spouting witty lyrics along to groovey licks. The album title comes from this track! And relax... "Million Dollar Bad Hair Day" the tenth and final track on the album begins with a laid back feeling that allows you to take stock of everything you’ve just heard. It surges up and down between atmospheric progesque guitars and vocals into clashing three chord punk riffs. Rounding off the cd beautifully. Only 45min long the album is a fantastical journey through highs and lows. Already garnering critical acclaim from the like of Jackie Hayden (Hot Press) and Alan Jacques (Limk 95) this album is fresh and satisfying with never a dull moment.
NICK BLOOMFIELD
IN THE CITY
Rockerfeller Centre New York
L
ast night the Kings of Leon played in Radio City (also known as the Rockefeller centre) just off Times Square and this lucky lady just happened to bag THE LAST TICKET on sale to go and bop to the rhythm and rock to the sound of the Kings’ rockin tunes and the 6000 strong crowd singing along. However, the last ticket also meant the last seat, in the last row, of the third mezzanine at the top of the house, squinting at the stage to see the dots move, but close to the bar! So after hanging around the bar a while as support act Black Rebel strummed a few almost good but not quite there yet tunes, and drinking some generously poured Johnny Black Label and coke, making some friends, realizing their looser potential, bumping into the token drunk Irish guy from Donegal who overdosed on sheep dip as a child and is making a fool out of himself and dragging you down with him, ditching the Irish guy, I found a new friend and sneaked into the bottom floor just in time to join in with the roaring crowd as the Kings blew us away with On Call. One noticeable thing about this indoor venue was the distinctive smell of Mary Jane wafting through the armadillo shaped dome. Using my powerfully honed ‘weed divining’ skills I found one of the many sources and scored a few drags of the metabolic substance, which worked nicely with the mellow Knocked Up. The Kings pumped things up for their encore and the crowd went wild. Hands waving, stupid grin, hugs all round, big sigh ‘ best gig ever’ and it was all over. Unfortunately for all concerned, the beatch on the door took my camera off me so no pics – just happy memories and an invitation to the Bronx by a doorman from Charleville. But here’s one of the outside – for the rest use your imagination or beg, borrow, steal tickets to go see them. They do not disappoint! Rating ***** Finger licking Good THE BIG A
01.10.07
SAN FRANS FINEST Quotes by Barry Mcgee Butler Gallery Kilkenny Castle until October 21st
A
dissonant crash sound draws you immediately through the installation space to back rooms, a cacophonous but enthralling din, like an un-sequenced Amon Tobin track. Despite the seeming chaos, however, the aesthetics of materials, color, line and object are sufficient to evoke the poetry of contrasts. A pile of TVs stacked and playing over each other, images and sound, the proximity of the devices to each other, creating buzz and feedback. Light boxes, painted boards, rugged timber construction and paint splatted floor all muddled together at the heart of the display. In true ‘tagger’ style nothing escapes adornment not even the stacks of DVD players accompanying the TVs. Under the tag name “Twist” he provided graffiti-observant citizens in his hometown of San Francisco with endless sources of awe, amusement and introspection. His hand was instantly recognizable, as the endlessly inventive king of urban poetry, disdaining the garish, riotously unreadable glyphs of run-of-the-mill ‘taggers’ in favor of beautifully executed, emotionally pregnant drawing. Small framed photos of friends scrawling graffiti, an orange splotch, his trademark urban images, those sad cartoonish faces with their comically distorted heads and empty vodka bottles McGee buys from homeless people and adorns with delicately painted faces, some floating in fields of red alongside paint-dripped blobs and black graffiti. His collection of animations, handy-cam clips and home movies reflect the static in sound and motion. This junk-shop installation made up of piles of small, whimsically sad drawings, slapped into secondhand frames and jammed against one another in anti-formalistic chaos, blends cheerfully into words and figures painted drippily onto the wall. His figures compassionately observed cartoons of sad-sack fellows, ground down by life, but retaining an innate human dignity. His method of display McGee describes as "patchworks of modern society of some sort. It’s like a community. I like putting things together, where one thing relates to the next, all these little bits of scraps and stuff. Maybe it’s not the most majestic community, but it’s a community of sorts." Projecting from the back wall of three of the rooms are constructions of timber gleaned from work sites and skips damp with the signs of mould. They prod out like sores on the face of urban decay waiting to exploded in a puss that are the vagrant habitations of metropolitan sprawl. Seemingly intrigued by that dynamic between those people hustling to their jobs and “someone calmly going through the garbage”. He uses “mis-tinted” house paint given away at, recycling centers to people who plan to use it to paint over graffiti. Although he continues to update his work, in his oeuvre, there seems nothing brand new here, but due to the corporeal nature of the work it is a pleasure to consider his work in the flesh as only graffiti or installation can truly be comprehended. The heredity of his opus is evident in the relaxed nature of the hanging; his street pedigree fully evident. However the refreshing nature his laid back style never undermines the truths he portrays, it in fact serves to heighten the conflict between gallery and street and the divergence between the underprivileged he portrays and the affluent to which he displays. A sage of our times. Barry McGee’s first Irish show is in the Butler Gallery Kilkenny Castle until October 21st Well worth the trip. Peace. tokinwhiteboy@gmail.com
www.freewebs.com/thewhippingpost
KID KOALA
Your Mom’s Favorite DJ. Ninja Tunes.
N
OW this is more like the Ninja release of days gone by – slick beats, some serious funk and a DJ who mixes the eccentric with the downright cool! Kid Koala, aka Eric San, is one of the label’s most distinct and essential artists. Previous DJ masterclasses have included Scratchcratchratchatch, not to mention Scratch Happy Land and Some Of My Best Friends Are DJs. His third album Your Mom’s Favourite DJ is a slick collection of romance, silent movie comedy and swing that your mother may well raise a smile at, woven together with classic hip-hop beats, breaks and general swathes of heavy guitars. Occasionally, it contains a classic Motown feel, while at other times there’s nods to Northern Soul; ‘70s rock grooves trade places with cinematic interludes, while the various samples and cartoon flourishes merely add a unique glow that ensures the LP shines just as brightly as Kid Koala’s previous efforts. What’s more, it draws on many of Eric’s own influences and his work as an illustrator, graphic artist, filmmaker, puppet master and musician. Throughout, there are references to a book about a clarinetplaying mosquito that Eric is currently working on, plus to the musical puppet show he has in development. And there are also some tests for a new group called Slew. If that suggests Eric has become a little side-tracked, or is stretching his talent a tad too far, then don’t worry – the mix is seamless. The beats are genuinely hipshaking, the comedy as funny as hell and the breakdowns, mixing and turntabling as effortless and hip as they’ve always been. So kick back or get your dancing shoes on and let Kid Koala seriously entertain you. This is 34 minutes of pure class that one wishes could only last longer! JACK FOLEY
whipeditor@gmail.com ACROSS: 6. Bored game (6) 9.Youarelookingforthem(6) 10.Fastenatinginventionfrom 1956 A.D (6) 11. Posh pirate (8) 12. Defames, slanders (6) 13. Krangs’ minion (8) 15. Ectoplasm (3) 16. WKD pub (7) 18. Southern porter (7) 21. ‘Up and....., up and lets go’ (4) 23.Celtictribethatfinallyde featedtheRomanEmpire(8) 26. There are three types of crocodilia; 1, crocodile 2, alligator and 3...... (6) 28. Ides of march for Barts arch nemesis (4,3) 29. Prostituted (6) 30. Tiring britpop showdown (5,4) 31. Desires most (6)
Issue 03
ANTI - SEPTIC CROSSWORD
DOWN: 1. Edvard Munch’s portrait of Macauley Culkin, The... (6) 2.Drunkenanddebaucherous, as of Roman God of wine (8) 3. Sturgeon eggs (6) 4. It’s surrounded by H2O (6)
Did ya hear Gemmas up the duff again?
I did yaa, so what like!
Who d’ya think the father is?
5. Umpires (8) 7.Pharmacythatsellscuddlytoys at Christmas (5) 8.Texan City, think fajitas (2,4) 14.HeroicAlsatian,littlest....(4) 15. Annoying insect (4) 17. Ascetics itchy clothing (9) 19. Relative equation (3) 20. Limerick no go area (7)
22.Nolongerashoeinforanight out in Cork (3,4) 24. Revere (7) 25. Cycle of planets (6) 27.WhiteandBlackthegreatest Americans (3,3) 29.‘So...., so young they say do never live long’- Richard III (4)
ITS NOT FAACKIN MINE RIGHT!
CLASSIFIEDS IDIOT
CAR FOR SALE
SECURTIY OFFICERS
FACE MELTER
Village idiot required for Bunratty folk park. Duties will include posing for yank tourists, picking nose, making clichéd remarks and acting stupid.
92 Ford escort, battered to fuck, clutch and brakes gone, no NCT, asking price unreasonable. Vehicle likely to explode once purchased.
Face melting lead guitarist required for up and coming Cork band who go by the name of Sniff the Step.
Contact: 0857570330
Contact: Mossy 0877463455
Power tripping dickheads required for various security positions in bars and nightclubs around Munster. A complete lack of manners and an aggressive personality essential.
No RATS please
NEED FOR BEADS
Low quality meat required for fast food venue in cork. Pigeon and dog accepted but no rat please.
Hand Crafted Jewellery Design. We recycle your old/unwanted jewellery. Come down to the The Sunday Market on Mungret St. in Limerick every Sunday between 12 & 5.
Contact: Paddy 0879339610
Contact: Ray 0854100102
Contact: Baz 086 666 6666 PERSPECTIVE MEDIA
Need a film Video or just some quality stills? We’re the guys D.J available for 21st bdays, fu- with the equipment software nerals, weddings, divorces, xmas and skills. day and more Contact: Perspective Media: Contact:D.J crazy motha fock 086 815 3842 0876167971. sader90@hotmail.com Party
THE HORROR SCOPE You’ve been worried about people talking about you behind your back and so you should be. You’re the laughing stock of your social circle. The Venus cycle is pulling in strong so resist the urge to act like a twat. Focus on your lucky symbol. Avoid dogs.
You’re fat and you know it, don’t follow old routines. Stop the madness. Even though you like your sister, she’s no good for you. Your anus is in line with Jupiter so watch out. Be kind to winos. What goes around comes around.
Laughter is good for you but shit jokes aren’t. Rethink your attitude towards humour and translate that to the bedroom. Cat in the hat on the mat with a bat. Think about that. Pluto will make you nervous.
Don’t lie around the house all day like a lazy prick. Get out and live life to the full. Mars will intersect your lunar guide this week. So get a job or do something useful. Don’t trust your mates. They’re full of shit.
Money talks and bullshit walks, so no wonder your car broke down. The local mechanic is a cowboy and you know it. An old friend will bring fortune in the shape of sleeping on your couch and wrecking your head. Four and seven will bring sorrow.
Your mood swings are becoming a problem. You will loose all your friends if you’re not careful- take action and fast. If you are feeling too cowardly water a lavender plant or praise a small child and this should set your energy levels through the roof.
Alcohol will not solve your problems, even if it does improve your chances of mating. Resign to the fact that you are minging. Body odour issues can be solved, but a pig nose and small beady eyes are for life. Saturn’s elliptical orbit will bring hard cash.
Wednesday’s solar eclipse means it’s time to change your hair style and start making money. So invest in a good clippers and printing press and flourish. It’s a fabulous time to change your career. Focus on the past and cling to old comforts to help you out.
Sniffing glue might be a good buzz initially but so it’s doing charity work. Take measures to become socially aware and ditch the office work. Sleep on the streets in a bid to find yourself. Don’t be blind to cosmic happenings. Kiss a lamppost.
The movements of Mars through the solar system means it’s the perfect time to cut down on eating cheese and general dairy produce. Take this opportunity to trim any unwanted body hair. Just because that special somebody ignores you doesn’t mean they don’t like you, just that they prefer other people. Carrying a duck’s feather in your pocket will bring you good fortune.
Nevermind the bollocks, wisdom can be obtained by watching Home and Away. Daily. Take time out to masturbate- self satisfaction will dull the pain. Blue is not good for you except in movie form. Insurmountable obstacles will vanish if you pay no heed to this crap.
Your bowel movements are in sync with Neptune. Consult the Bristol scale and roll with it. Don’t be blind to sexual deviancy and don’t drink sour milk. Financal problems can be solved by saving money. Genuine people are nowhere to be found.
01.10.07
www.freewebs.com/thewhippingpost
MickeyMartins AugustinianLane OCTOBER: DJ SOUNDS IN THE BAR THURS. 4. A2DF. Old funk and addictive boogie set. FRI. 5. Cheebah. Black beats old and new!. SAT. 6. Spin Fms Peter curtain plays swinging jazz and oldskool hiphop. SUN. 7. Rainiers plays hip hop and laidback grooves. THURS. 11.
Johnny Doobs. The King of the Kerry beats!
FRI. 12. Cheebah. Twisted classic beats of the last 30 years! SAT. 13. Cheebah presents Keith Disconaut and Paul Tarpey Dj Battle. SUN. 14. Brigadier J.c playing Reggae influnced beats. THURS. 18. Ciano.Dub, Rock and Minimal beats from the Frawl!
FRI. 19.
Cheebah. Beats from Rock to Disco Via jamaica!.
SAT. 20. Pete the Beat.The Sound provider plays Tuff soul!. SUN. 21. Jeff. Small but perfectly formed Indie classics and more! THURS. 25. Tokinwhite boy and dj johnny twist some soul. FRI. 26. Cheebah. Black beats old and new! SAT.
27.
MON. 29.
T.B.C
Halloween dress up Ball with Peter ‘spin’ curtin and Rainiers. 17
LIMERICK’S BEST MUSIC VENUES
DOLAN’S 3-4 DOCK ROAD LIMERICK in association with
LIVE IN OCTOBER Fri 5th Sat 6th Wed 10th Friday 12th Sat 13th Sun 14th Wed 17th Fri 19th Sat20th Tues 23rd Wed 24th Fri 26th Sat 27th & Sun 28th Mon 29th
Tues 2nd Wed 3rd Fri 5th Sat 6th Wed 10th Thurs 11th Sun 14th Tues 16th Wed 17th Wed 24th Thurs 25th Wed 31st
WAREHOUSE
FUTURE KINGS OF SPAIN Doors 8pm m16 HEADGEAR Doors 9pm m13 TOM BAXTER with special guest Vashti Doors: 8pm Tickets: m16 JACK L Doors: 8pm Tickets: m24 G ’N R Doors: 9pm Tickets:m16 ALABAMA 3 Doors: 8pm Tickets:m26 CATHY DAVEY Doors pm Tickets:m11 ASLAN Doors 8pm Tickets:m21 ALTERNATIVE MISS LIMERICK Doors 8pm Tickets:m26 DUKE SPECIAL Doors 8pm Tics m16 Lisa Richards Presents JOE ROONEY with MC KARL SPAIN & Support WILLA WHITE Doors 8pm Tics m16 SINNERBOY Doors 9pm Tickets m15 ACCESS ALL AREAS OCTOBER DANCE WEEKENDER feat. Inland Knights & Green Velvet Doors 9pm Tics m31 + bking fee COLIN BLUNSTONE & ROD ARGENT OF THE ZOMBIES Doors: 9pm Tickets: m31
GARRETT WALL Doors 8pm m8 UPSTAIRS Limerick Jazz Society Presents STRANGE BALLS OF FIRE Doors 8.30pm m14 THE DUHKS Doors 8pm m16 DELORENTOS Doors 8pm m13 CATHY DAVEY Upstairs 8pm m11 SENECA 8pm m6 BLACK SOUL STRANGERS Doors 8pm mtbc TREAD Doors 8pm m16 Limerick Jazz Society Presents THE CRACOW KLEZMER BAND Doors 8:30pm Tics m16 CATHY DAVEY Doors 8pm m11 CARTOON Doors 8pm Tics m5 ROESY Doors 8pm Tics m16
coming in November
The Coronas, The Beat, Vesta Varro, Luan Parle, Wallis Bird, Damien Dempsey, Crayonsmith & Waiting Room, Don Mescall, Kila, Gareth Pearson, Declan O Rourke, Josh Ritter, JOIN DOLANS MUSIC LOVERS CLUB at
www.DOLANSPUB.com
for competitions and special offers www.myspace.com/dolanspub
061 314 483 for info & ticket bookings 10am to 6pm
PARADISE PLACE CORK CITY