The Whipping Post Issue 1

IRISH DANCING IRISH WEAVERS HEAD OVER HEELS - FOLLOWED BY DJ (LATE BAR) THE TOMCATS - FOLLOWED BY DJ (LATE BAR) GENERIC PEOPLE + avreen

IRISH DANCING IRISH WEAVERS SPEED DATER UCC LIVE MUSIC SOC TONY MILNER - FOLLOWED BY DJ (LATE BAR) TEBE - FOLLOWED BY DJ (LATE BAR) PING PONG - ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

IRISH DANCING THE DROMBRU 3 IRISH WEAVERS

CLANCY’S CLANCY’S CLANCY’S CLANCY’S LIQUID LOUNGE

LIQUID LOUNGE CLANCY’S LIQUID LOUNGE LIQUID LOUNGE CLANCY’S CLANCY’S Liquid lounge

CLANCY’S CLANCY’S CLANCY’S

14TH 16th 18TH 19TH

21st 23rd 24th

MON WED FRI SAT

MON WED THU

FRI SAT

21:00 free 21.00 free 21:30 free

21:00 free 21:30 free 19:00 22:30 €5 21.30 free 21:30 free 22:30 €8/10

21:00 free 21:30 free 21:30 free 21:30 free 22:30

21:30 free 22:00 €7

21:00 FREE 21:30 FREE 22:30 €5 21:30 free 22:00 €5/8

21:30 FREE 21:30 free 22:30 €5/8 21:30 free 22:30 €8/10

liquid lounge - providing the alternative

simply go to www.liquidlounge.ie and enter your name in the space provided. as well as being the first to know about all upcoming events you will be helping the environment by reducing paper waste.

PS UIF USFFT HFU JU

signup to our e-newsletter

LIQUID LOUNGE: AVAILBLE FOR FUNCTIONS: 21st’s on selected nights, Corporate Functions, Product Launches, Fashion Shows, BBQ’s. etc.

MON 28TH TUE 29TH WED 30TH

25TH 26TH

(LATE BAR)

ROUTE 66 - FOLLOWED BY DJ PARTY TIL YOU DROP

CLANCY’S LIQUID LOUNGE

12TH

SAT

IRISH DANCING IRISH WEAVERS KUDOS - (TECHNO NIGHT) AZZURO - FOLLOWED BY DJ (LATE BAR) ELEC UNDERGROUND - CIAN O CIOBHAIN + ANT

CLANCY’S CLANCY’S LIQUID LOUNGE CLANCY’S LIQUID LOUNGE

7TH 9th 10th 11TH

IRISH WEAVERS REMEDY - FOLLOWED BY DJ (LATE BAR) ELEC UNDERGROUND - Chymera + Sean Galvin KEIRAN KRAMER - FOLLOWED BY DJ (LATE BAR) PING PONG - BILGE PIMP + Sea Area forecast

MON WED THU FRI

WED 2nd CLANCY’S FRI 4TH CLANCY’s

LIQUID LOUNGE SAT 5TH CLANCY’S LIQUID LOUNGE

15-16 Princes Street, 29-31 Marlborough Street, Cork T: +353.21.4276097, F: 4276026, e: info@clancys-bar.com | info@liquidlounge.ie. | www.clancys-bar.com | www. liquidlounge.ie

APRIL 2008 AT CLANCY’s BAR & The LIQUID LOUNGE

ABS

MOR

E

20O% T RBAN

NOW

ISSUE 6 MUNSTER | APRIL | 2008

The Whipping Post FREE

psychological psychobabble - contained first and foremost in ‘Dianetics’ (the C.O.S equivalent of the bible), plus the various and numerous ‘course materials’ that people will have to deal with (and pay heartily for) if they become a member and wish to climb higher in the ranking system of the church, which one is pressured to do, once a member. Which makes it fairly clear why the C.O.S has an especially large section of their sanctioned hate directed towards the psychology community, and all involved with studies of mind and cult.

Although I haven’t read any course material, bar what I’ve seen referenced on various websites/rants, I have had a couple of days in the company of a copy of Dianetics (don’t ask), which in all honesty seemed fairly benign when I first glanced at it’s content. But when I continued to read I felt like I was being trained to feel superior to those that have not found this book. It’s total ego-inflating, cryptopsychology. Which basically means it’s manipulative garbage. No offense to any patrons of the Church of Scientology that may be reading this, but it seemed fairly apparent to me.

Recently though, the Church of Scientology is taking some well deserved flak, in the guise of this ‘war’. The war apparently came into being when the C.O.S harassed Youtube to remove the now infamous video of Tom Cruise talking about Scientology. In which it is fairly easy to come to the conclusion that Mr Cruise has just about lost his mind. Youtube agreed to remove the video, but that is what sprouted and organized this group of hackers/crusaders/whatever, to actually take action.

Since then many have joined the cause of ‘Anonymous’/ ‘Anon’, and the C.O.S has been bombarded, protested and slandered in many different forums, in cyberspace and regular space.

These Anonymous vigilantes have risen from various corners of the internet, but mostly from 4 chan (where the hardcore of the internet reside), and various spin-offs, which is where these people got the ‘Anonymous’ thing from - 4 chan (and it’s counterparts) is an anonymous forum, hence all comments/statements are posted by ‘Anonymous.’ They first made themselves known, in regard to the war against the C.O.S, shortly after the suppression of the Cruise clip.

They soon after released their own video, with a computergenerated voice speaking over a view of a rolling cloudscape, basically stating why the C.O.S was evil, that it needed to be stopped, and they would be the ones to do it. A brilliantly written speech, that when heard/viewed stirs feelings of a science fiction world, where an oppressed people are being tricked and lied to by some omnipotent, unseen force that is just beginning to be revealed:

SCIENToLOGY HACKERS A Science is something which is constructed from truth on workable axioms, there are 55 axioms in Scientology. L. RON HUBBARD

A war has been declared. Although not war in the terms we’d usually conceive of such an event. This war seems that of some fantasy world, but is fact. I became aware of this reality fairly recently, while roaming the information abundant streets of the internet. One of the many organizations in this world that I believe to be unnecessary and idiotic has come up against quite a backlash from the sane, nerdy, and righteous masses of cyberspace. And that organization is: The wonderfully absurd Church of Scientology.

Yes, that’s right, a group of hackers, designers, bloggers and all other manner of internet orientated folk have organized in quite a remarkable way, condemning and hindering the Church of Scientology in every way they can, including removing nearly all of Scientology’s websites from the internet (hence them being widely labeled as ‘hackers’), creating an open, and anonymous forum for distributing information about protests, and other such activities that may hinder followers of L Ron Hubbard. Lets take a paragraph or two to put you, the reader, into some sort of contextual realm where you can view, judge, and laugh at the entirety of some of the Church Scientology’s flawed set of theological concepts, and quite bizarre history: The C.O.S (Church of Scientolgy) was established in 1952

by L.(Lafayette) Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer who adapted the role of religious leader/prophet without much

effort. Although apparently not the greatest of sci-fi story tellers, when put to the task of selling religion he seemed to be an extraordinarily flexible entrepreneur. Using a web of lies to hype up his character, Hubbard gained recognition as many things he never was. One of the lies that had a large part in catapulting Scientology to fame was that he claimed that by mental powers alone, he healed combat wounds he received as a World War II Navy hero. He never took part in combat in WW II, and I somehow doubt the use of «mental powers» to heal wounds. He claimed to be a nuclear physicist who traveled into outer space without his body, to explore the Earth’s Van Allen radiation belt. But his two-year stay at George Washington University in 1931-32 shows that he flunked his only course in nuclear physics. He also claimed to be the reincarnation of Buddha... It’s clear that Hubbard was a little off, concerning either morals or mind. It’s hard to tell.

He embarked on his divine quest, slowly but surely, & even though L Ron seemed an unstable individual; the organization he established was well planned and quite intricately constructed. Making him approximately one million dollars a day, close to the time of his death (January 1986). But here we are in modern times, L Ron is long dead and Scientology is one of the most prosperous ‘Religious organizations’ in existence, that robs it’s faithful members blind, and relentlessly harasses those who wish to leave.

Scientology isn’t pedaled as straight religion. It’s some kind of hybrid of self help books, and large bodies of

‘With the leakage of your latest propaganda video into mainstream circulation, the extent of your malign influence over those who have come to trust you as leaders has been made clear to us. Anonymous has therefore decided that your organization should be destroyed, for the good of your followers, for the good of mankind, and for our own enjoyment.’

‘We shall proceed to expel you from the Internet and systematically dismantle the Church of Scientology in its present form’ The videos epic ending is enough to give one chills: ‘We are Anonymous, We are legion, We do not forgive, We do not forget. Expect us.’

Fairly heavy stuff, but the scale of dramaticism may be a notch too high. There have been several more releases from Anonymous since then, and the legion grows. Worldwide protests have been held twice already, and even took place in Dublin, objecting to the church outside it’s Irish headquarters.

Project Chanology(.com) is where you’ll get all the details.

Decide for yourself, whether this is righteous crusading for liberty, or completely unnecessary religious bigotry. Whether you want to take sides, or you just don’t give a shit.

But me, as you may have gathered, have made up my mind a long time ago. I believe that any organization that is based on lying to people to take their money, is flawed beyond belief and should have no place in any society that claims to be civilized. Even more so when said organization actively brainwashes it’s members, distances them from their non-member friends and family, and will hold them against their will, even kill them if they try to leave the «church» (e.g Lisa mcPherson). That’s just about my two cents on this whole Scientology Vs the’ Interweb lark. I don’t know how it will be resolved, or if it ever will. Scientology may be evil. It may be good. But one thing it always is: a catalyst for controversy.

Hail Xenu!

COLM AHERNE

Tara; seat of the high kings of Ireland, is the most important religous,political and cultural centre in Ireland’s long and illustrious history.

Located midway between the towns of Navan and Dunsaughlin the ancient royal seat of Meath is under threat from the construction of the M3 tolled motorway which if /when completed will reduce the commute to Dublin for those inane enough to work 100 miles from their office by about 20 minutes. The National Roads Authority (the other N.R.A) has been doing its utmost in the past few years to improve its image from a major public private partnership infrastructural venture into Ireland’s largest employer of archaeologists, excavating more sites and recording more artefacts than ever before, all in the name of progress. The only problem is that archaeological features are best preserved underground, in situ rather than excavated with mechanical diggers and unexperienced general operatives with blunt trowels. It is a boom time in Ireland for archaeologists, I should know I am one, there literally aren’t enough of us to go around, sent in to practise rescue archaeology, in and out as quick as possible before the big diggers arrive.

But at what cost and what’s the hurry, after all if something has survived buried for 2000 years who are the NRA to decice to dredge it all up at once.

The royal demense around Tara has been the cultural focal point of Ireland since the early Iron Age (thats long before baby Jesus was born, to the layman) Irish mythology, kingship, literature, folklore and music can all be historically traced back to Tara.To say that Tara is at the heart if Ireland is a bit twee but quite apt, the symbol of Tara, the harp has come to epitomise Ireland, even unionists use it, with the shamrock the only symbols of Ireland as a complete entity. The proposed M3 motorway route will arc about 2km to the north and east of the hill of Tara, the NRA is adamant that the M3 will proceed as it’s some distance from the main Tara complex, however the Meath Archaeology and Historical

Society, Save the Tara/Skryne Valley Group, Conor Newman director of the Discovery Programme Tara Survey and Pat Wallace director of the National Museum of Ireland all disagree fervently insisting that the entire Tara Skryne valley landscape should be preserved as a whole.

The hill of Tara itself was only the religous and political centre, nobody actually lived there, the Tara Skryne valley is an archaeological landscape peppered with forts, raths, henges and burial mounds, a wide complex of ritual and settlement sites.

Serial agitator Vincent Salafia has failed in numerous attempts to get the Minister for the Enviroment, Heritage and Local Government to recognise the entire Tara complex as a National Monument and preserved as such. Indeed many prominent archaeologists have grown tired of Mr. Salafia’s various High Court actions in recent years arguing that the lawyer has dragged their profession through the mud along with his cadre of protesters namely the Carrickminders.

The Carrickminders you will remember were the group of culchies who camped at the site of Carrickmines castle in 2001 in an attempt to halt the construction of a section of the M50 motorway, they succeeded in only delaying the proccess by two years.Many of these protesters have now moved on to Tara where protests have recently concentrated on two sites on the proposed M3 motorway, Lismullen and the promontory fort at Rath Lugh.

At Lismullen, northeast of Tara is an 80m wide circular enclosure which was discovered just south of a souterrain, dating from the Iron Age the wooden post-hole enclosure had not shown up on geophysical surveys, it was an unexpected and rare find, many wanted the site declared a National Monunent and protected as it lay directly in the path of the motorway. There were numerous scuffles as protesters tried to stop machinery and vehicles from accessing the site, in the end however excavation at the site went ahead regardless in preperation for the construction work, the report on the excavation at Lismullen is available on the NRA website, as it happens it was done rather well actually. More recently the Rath Lugh Direct Action Group was formed by the usual suspects in order to prevent work

on the Rath Lugh promontory fort, located on the ridge of an esker 500m from Lismullen that once defended the northern access to the Tara complex. Several months ago Conor Newman highlighted concerns that construction of the motorway would undermine the foundations of the adjacent esker and the fort built upon it.

Rath Lugh would indeed be undermined but not as the archaeologist had invisaged, the Rath Lugh Direct Action Group had constructed a tunnel 33ft deep into the site with the intention of locking one of the protestors inside the tunnel aiming to halt progress on the site, citing that any machinery above the ground would cause the makeshift tunnel to collapse thus killing its inhabitant. Enter Lisa ‘’Squeak’’ Feeney a psychology graduate who brazenly locked herself in the tunnel, prepared to stay for two months, surviving on pot noodles, tuc crackers and a book by Padraig Pearse (she didn’t say which one, methinks she was looking for kudos and actually brought ‘The Colour of Magic’ thinking she would miss it on Sky over Easter). Squeak though emerged 60 hours later after hearing her daddy plead for her to surface.

The NRA assured the protestors that

work would halt on Rath Lugh for one month until April the 17th. The protest group claimed victory, however the NRA are busy utilising the time clearing the site of the protest camp, no doubt it will reassemble in time for Oxygen later this year. The archaeological community has not only the rag-tag community of protestors debasing its arguments to confront the NRA and Meath County Council have proved stubborn foes to proper archaeological practise, with the ‘systematic erosion of policy and the silencing of the states heritage protection agencies, it seems heritage is expendible in the face of large infrastructural projects’. The Green Party was elected to the coalition government in the hope that they would keep tabs on Fianna Fail policies, in the run up to the election John Gormley leader of the Greens promised a re assassment of the proposed M3 route, this pledge of course has become lost in the mists of pre election

promises. Minister Gormley also promised a moratorium on commercial development around the Blundelstown interchange, this has yet to occur unfortunately, local land owners have already sold their land around the interchange to developers.

The risk of large scale commercial development adjacent to Tara is perhaps the next battleground for the defence of the once sacred site. It is apparent that the government percieve Tara’s historic and cultural landscape as an obstacle to commuting traffic, ‘an impediment to progress and development’.When an Bord Pleanala held a meeting to draft an Enviromental Impact Statement for the proposed M3 tolled motorway the director of the Discovery Programmes Tara Survey, Conor Newman was asked to attend to argue his case, he was shocked to discover that the majority of the geophysical surveys he had undertaken over the past 15 years were not being consulted for the impact statement.

In university I was taught that preservation was the archaeological imperative, it seems that the NRA believes that archaeology can be resolved, artefacts salvaged and monuments recorded, preservation in situ has been replaced with recorded destruction, rescue archaeology with financial limits and time constraints. It’s progress I know but the Blundelstown interchange could be a godsend to’hungry developers who recognise the greenfield potential of this untapped rural resource on the threshold of our burgeoning capital city’. In 1899 a group known as the British Israelites commenced an ‘excavation’ at the Rath of the Synods on the hill of Tara, they were searching for the ark of the covenant(very Indiana Jones you may think), however the zealots began hacking away at this most sensitive of sites with such fervour that the damage can still be seen to this day. In disgust of such cultural sacrilege W.B.Yeats, Douglas Hyde and Arthur Griffith travelled to Tara to bring the digging to a halt.The local landowner who part owned the site and allowed the British Israelites to dig there sat on a ditch stroking his gun and dared any of the folk from Dublin to step onto his field.

Arthur Griffith duly stepped forward, stared the landowner down and the Israelites were turfed out.

If only we today could protest with such effectiveness and aplomb. *Quotes taken from correspondences Archaeology Ireland magazine.

JUNIOR. Political correspondant.

in

THE CAROUSEL of lieS Evolution, the backbone of scientific theory for the last century has no place in schools. read this brazen affront to god’s master plan.

Creationism is a very popular buzzword in our times, which generally conjures up the cliché of an Appalachian snake-handling hillbilly, so inbred there’s a strong chance he is his own grandmother and who has either drunk himself cross-eyed on moonshine or has become cross-eyed due to an accident with an explosive moonshine still.

Doubtless you can add many more hilarious clichés, but before you laugh yourself into a pool of incontinence, can I ask you if you ever studied evolution at school? Because the chances are you did not.

It’s not on the national school curriculum nor on the junior cert science syllabus but surely you learnt it during the leaving cert? Statistics revealed by the department of education revealed that for the year 2006, out of the 50,955 students who sat the leaving cert, 24887 took biology. So less than half of us. And pray tell, can you remember studying evolution? Don’t be so hard on yourself if you can’t, it was one of the shortest chapters in Gill and Macmillan’s ‘Understanding Biology’, running to just 8 pages including summary and questions. The first of which is quick with the caveat that it is but a theory which doesn’t threaten Christian teachings. The next dealt with a few strands of evidence supporting the ‘theory’, a study of the horses leg and comparison of the embryos of fish, chickens and humans. That’s pretty much what you were taught, if you were even taught it. Perhaps your teacher felt it was unlikely to come up in the exam and the study of Fucus Vesiculosus was more worthy of your

Distinguished evolutionary scientist Richard Dawkins gives this example - when humans lived on the savannah, the world was fraught with peril.

Suppose you lived by a lake full of crocodiles and your parents warn you not to go in there, the more obstinate children do and die and with them their genes are removed from the gene pool, whereas the children with more ‘plastic’ brains will do as their parents tell them and their genes will flourish. This explains how children’s brains are hardwired to adopt and pass on the beliefs that they are exposed to. Another example would be the ubiquitous fear of public speaking , those knots in your stomach that make you want to vomit, what is there16 evolutionary function?

Well if you make an idiot of yourself in society, nobody will want to breed with you and your genes will be weeded out of existence. Or why do you think children of a young age become obsessed with building huts out of cushions, perhaps because we’ve been hardwired by evolution to build shelters, those who do not build shelters perish from the elements. Its very easy to come up examples of how evolution affects our lives, it is such a beautiful and all encompassing paradigm of everything that makes us who we are. It is without doubt the finest discovery humanity has ever made.

Creationism generally conjures up the cliché of an Appalachian snake-handling hillbilly, so inbred there’s a strong chance he is his own grandmother. time. Why do I remember that word eight years after my Leaving cert and can draw a diagram of its sexual reproductive cycle with my toes and yet do not recall seeing a picture of the Ascent of man? Because there was none. There has been a revision of the syllabus since then, but a quick look at Discovering Biology from 2005 will turn up just 3 pages of information on evolution. Is there a picture of the Ascent of man? Recant your vile heresy now or burn on the lake of fire. No, the grudging concession that yes cytochrome c, a protein responsible for respiration in humans is identical to the one in chimpanzees is lip service enough. One imagines hearing your teacher mutter something as you walk out the door, you turn and ask ‘what was that, we’re just smart animals? Nothing I was just clearing my throat she replies between forced coughs. Glib and facetious, yes, but I remind you most have the populace haven’t even got this rudimentary ‘education’. Is your blood boiling yet? I doubt it, you were taught by a system that holds the xylem and phloem of plants more worthy of your contemplation. How does your having evolved as an organism, designed to survive and reproduce in a hunter gatherer society have any bearing on life in this modern world? Absolutely everything.10

The censorship of this information is extremely embarrassing, disturbing and cunning, but it must be said, executed quite magically. Though the true genius in this and all sleight of hand tricks, lays of course, in the misdirection, but the technique employed is so monstrous and powerful, it is like a magician scratching out the very eyes of his audience. And here it is folks, not content with concealing humanities greatest discovery, the department of education also conspire to blunt the edge of its greatest tool - the scientific method; the method of discovering knowledge about the natural world based in making falsifiable predictions, testing them empirically, and developing peer reviewed theories that best explain the known data. This is the greatest tool humanity has at their disposal, upon which our whole modern world rests, but with the rare exception of dissecting a sheep’s eyeball pointlessly or for what could only have been entertainment purposes this tool is largely kept sheathed. Instead of developing the critical faculty which will prove so important every time we make a decision, we learn to absorb and regurgitate pointless trivia so routinely we cease to ask ourselves, ‘why?’ Being an organism, that excelled in this system but possessed very little nous, I’d even posit that a critical faculty may

actually impede the absorbing of information, as an organism without a critical faculty remains childlike and holds every bit of information as being possibly crucial to its survival. They say that ignorance is bliss, perhaps because the only way we can become wise is through experience, mistakes and regret. But instead of learning how evolution and the scientific method work and their impact on every facet of our lives, we are inoculated with three classes of religion a week for thirteen years.

A philosophy, which encourages us to believe in some benevolent puppet master and that we are mysterious ghosts in shells without offering any proof whatsoever. Infact, accepting it without proof is deemed one of the finest virtues a human can have when in all likelihood this soul is but a figment of the imagination. This my friends is nothing more than thirteen years of blindfolding by the blindfolded. This is not an education, it is a minting of gullible drones by gullible drones, or perhaps I am still too naïve to see that it is intentional. Though to be honest I’d prefer for Earth to be ruled by a cabal of evil geniuses than a dynasty of wishful thinking idiots.

Obviously indoctrination with religion is a great way to keep the tribes status quo and having a people who can’t tell the difference between truth and fiction is handy when your trying to sell them a shiny new product or war, and of course its sited on a good solid bedrock of fear so its pretty durable against reasoning. But the truth is that we humans have to co-operate with each other or we will be ostracized from society and our genes will be weeded out of existence or you could say as long as we are smart animals with imaginations we can imagine what its like to be someone else; therefore our empathy is innate. If you need God for strength, try instead thinking of things in your life you are grateful for, this will give you such control over your life, it will almost seem like you do have a friendly puppet master in the sky, as for the bereaved, ask yourself what traits you loved in the person and try to emulate them and share them with others. This is enough of an afterlife for anyone. But the Church and State try to monopolize virtue and instill a deep fear of the truth in us, while the sick irony is that they keep us blinded to the true dystopia that is built upon their lies. It is a society where we often

ask questions like; why a person would pump Zyklon B into a chamber filled with thousands of people who pose no threat to him? Why a grown woman would believe in bending a spoon with the powers of her mind? Why a person would blow themselves up in a crowded market-place?

Why a person would join Scientology or get drunk and attack someone without any provocation?

But the problems of society spring from the lies and ignorance that are its cornerstone. The real question is, how can a society expect its citizens to act rationally when it systematically retards their ability to think rationally for themselves?

As long as your local TD campaigns for votes outside of mass, I doubt that we can really hope for religion to be struck off and for evolution to be accorded its rightful place on the curriculum as a subject in itself. Of course now they are teaching different religions in schools but are these anything more but different flavoured fictions. Once people stop believing in God they’ll believe in anything else, they say, well I say its time they started believing in themselves, their hearts and their reason. Critical thinking badly needs to be thought in our schools as we drift away from Christianity and into the grasp of the charlatans and snake-oil sellers who stalk under the umbrella opened by Christianity and ignorance and reinforced by fear of fascism, postmodernism and cultural relativism .The ‘people can believe what they want to believe’ umbrella, an umbrella we hold in our hands since birth without ever asking how it got there.

The place to begin is with ourselves, read a book on evolutionary psychology and share what you learn with others, it is only through this can we hope to slowly pull the breaks on this carousel of ignorance and madness. I won’t lie to you, compared to the wishy-washy candyfloss you’ve been fed by the church, the state and Hollywood, the truth will often taste pretty bitter, so now’s a good time to ask yourself whether you’d prefer that moonshine after all?

ANDERSON

DOW JONES

I’ve never really been fond of American politics, any politics for that matter. I’d known most of the people who actually manage to struggle their way into a significant position in government would have to be groomed a considerable amount by the institution, to be able to get the opportunity to rise significantly in the ranks. Which of course put me off politics at a young age - a corrupt game, I didn’t want to talk about it. I am not here to talk about that joke of an election that’s going on in the U.S at the moment, as I’m not one for wasting time, and whatever side wins will do nothing radically different from the other candidate, or past president. Over the last few years I’ve been forced to look at the most unsettling depths of politics. Especially due to all the American-Middle East war/hate/tv coverage that has been going on. All this outrageous political and strategic plotting, manipulating and lying has me utterly riveted. But as worrying as the ongoing trouble in the middle east is developments in America’s increasingly worrying domestic policy are even more worrying.

S. 1959 (formerly HR 1955); a bill recently passed by congress with an overwhelming 404 votes for and a mere 6 against. It is only the Senate’s approval away from being made official. The title of the bill is «The Violent Radicalisation and Home-grown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007,» and it’s supposed objective is to protect the good, patriotic Americans, from the not so good, possibly «terrorist» Americans - by combating ‘Home-grown Terrorism,’ and «Ideologically Based Violence.» This is how it’s being portrayed on Fox News and the other mainstream media distributors that broadcast what they, presumably sarcastically, refer to as ‘News’. It is claimed that this and numerous other recent acts of legislation are for the protection of good, law-abiding citizens - which most people under current law seem to be. But as the long arm of the law grows, that number is diminished as more and more people fall into the ‘not so good’ group be it socially, morally and mentally.

This new bill will throw many unsuspecting, innocent Americans into a category of obscurity, due to opinions that may now be considered radical. This could entail interrogation or jail time. Alarming as this bill seems to be on the surface it could also contain the foundation for a more grand scheme. Many refer to S. 1959 as «The Thought Crime Act,» as it’s implications are vast, and it’s content quite vague, concerning what would be considered terrorist activity. The bill states: ‘The term `home-grown terrorism’ means the use, planned use, or threatened use, of force or violence by a group or individual born, raised, or based and operating primarily within the United States or any possession of the United States to intimidate or coerce the United States government, the civilian population of the United States, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.»...... And: ‘The term `ideologically based violence’ means the use,

AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM planned use, or threatened use of force or violence by a group or individual to promote the group or individual’s political, religious, or social beliefs.»

Now remember that we’re reading sneakily written political gesturing. For someone to be able to use this section of the bill maliciously, all it would take is a slight inconsistency in the wording. Although hard to spot, many politicians and other professionals have pointed out the use of the term «...planned use, or threatened use, of force or violence...» as something with which they felt ill at ease.

Force, or violence?.... Same thing, right?

Not necessarily. Force is, in this context, first and foremost defined as something that entails violence. But beyond that force also refers to ‘mental or moral strength’, and ‘power to influence’. This basically means that freedom of speech will be restricted to those Americans that gain their mental contents, and personal philosophies from television, government, and advertising. America seems to be looking to China as a mentor regarding information control and human rights. The bill in question even states that unrestricted internet use is probably not going to be a option for the inhabitants of the future states of America: ‘The Internet has aided in facilitating violent radicalisation, ideologically based violence, and the home-grown terrorism process in the United States by providing access to broad and constant streams of terrorist-related propaganda to United States citizens.» So as you can see, Uncle Sam is no longer the stern, but loving relative of times long past. He now, and ever-increasingly takes the role of an abusive, power mad step father. It’s troubling that America is somehow the role-model for the rest of the western world. How strange that so many countries, including our own, mirror this behemoth, to some extent at least. While the Dow is in such a perilous position and the dollar is worth so little, American monetary policy is of more importance to us than ever.

What makes the situation worse is the Billions per day borrowed by America from China alone, billions more from other countries, as America struggles to support it’s vast military empire, while continuing to expand it’s economic excursions - at home, and abroad.

This thirst for cash and expanding debt is the basis of our global economy. How long can the beast sustain itself? How long before the paranoid cash drain of American domestic policy brings not only the Dow Jones crashing but the entire worlds stock exchanges. lt seems our only hope is that a major change occurs in the American agenda.

COLM AHERNE

CLANCYS BAR FOOTBALL

ALL THE GAMES IN CLANCY’S BAR

Wednesday - 2 April 20:45 Arsenal v’s Liverpool 20:45 Fenerbahçe v’s Chelsea Tuesday - 8 April 20:45 Chelsea v’s Fenerbahçe 20:45 Liverpool v’s Arsenal Wednesday - 9 April 20:45 Barcelona v’s Schalke 20:45 Man. United v’s Roma

LIVE RUGBY ALL THE GAMES IN CLANCY’S BAR

SATURday - 5 April 15:00 London Irish v Perpignan 17:30 Gloucester v Munster SUNday - 6 - April 12:30 Saracens v Ospreys 16:00 Toulouse v Cardiff Blues SATURday/SUNDAY - 26/27 April SEMI FINAL TBA SEMI FINAL TBA SATURday - 24 MAY 17:00 FINAL TBA v TBA

SPLEEN I moved to Cork recently and I’ve noticed that the residents’ car park in our apartment complex is infested with vermin.

These socially handicapped, philistinos, who’ve watched ‘The Fast and the Furious’ as many times as they’ve had a wank, have nowhere else to go because they’ve spent all their panel-beating appentice’s salary on their “souped-up” pieces-offaeces. I’ve noticed the reason they have overrun our car park is because of our close proximity to McDonalds. They pull in to eat their burgers, and, when finished, these bastards just throw their McD’s wrappers all over the ground because, god forbid, they might soil the polished interiors of their Nissan Micras (Who would have thought McDonalds and boy-racers would have made such a wonderful couple?). And when they pull out, it’s like: “Well Manty, yeah, I’ll meet you at Texaco”. And on they go, with the sonorous hum of their badly tuned engines (bursting ear drums) dragging behind them, to hang at... yes... a petrol station.

can’t live with em, so we’ll have to kill em.

When Karl Benz invented the ‘motorwagen’ in1878, he could never have dreamed that these cockroaches would slap ‘Go Faster’ stickers all over it and put holes in the exhaust to make it sound - as they would say in my native land – ‘daycent’ (May I say, I think the word ‘daycent’ has been truly tarnished by these arse-candles).

Never could Benz have contemplated the sounds of Rihanna and ‘Irish Club Land Volume 36’, pumping from a prodigiously unnecessary sound system in a neon-clad bonnet. So how to resolve this problem? Do I do what my old 60-year-old neighbour would have done and call the the guardians of peace? Or will I put up with the racket. I have had a pent-up hatred for boy-racers for a long time, but moving to Cork, and having to deal with them on a daily basis is severley testing my - usually impeccable - patience. It may be time to call the exterminator to wipe out these vermin (Sweetie, hand me my machete! It’s on the coffee table).

One thing that cheered me up was a story my boss told me recently. While driving, he met on

the road, the above mentioned, driving a Civic (of course), thinking they were the wasps ankles.

Now my boss drives a silent but violent BMW. Although he’s not one to race, he couldn’t resist giving these lads a run for their spondulas as they started revving their Honda at red lights, and making gestures towards him. At terrifying wheel speeds, the boss was burning them off the road, but his conscious hit, and he decided to take it down a notch (he must have been thinking of those RSA ads), much to the delight of the beaming boy-racers who waved their fingers as they burnt on, at a speed over 100mph. But just around the corner was the lads in blue, and booyah! The rats were pulled over, and at the speed they were travelling, I’m sure they got more than just a slap on the wrist. Nice one boss!

As I write this, I can hear them outside revving their little engines. “Please don’t stop the music... music... music...” resonates through the air. I pray for the day of the sub-cult showdown; old-school hard-ass long-bearded bikers and skinny little Nike-wearing boy-racers go to battle Braveheart-style. Let their bones be crushed, and their women cultivated for integration into society! But not my society.

DE JONT

POPE TAKES IT UP THE ARSE....... AND GIVES HEAD In a statement released by the Vatican today it was confirmed that the pope takes it up the arse.

Suffering from a swollen larynx, pope Benedict XVI is unable to take anti-inflammatory pills orally so Renato Buzzonetti, The papal doctor has prescribed him a course of suppositories.

When asked how his holiness was taking it he replied ‘He gave a little wince the first time I slipped it in, but now he takes it like a real pro.

I can tell you it’s a real honour to be giving God’s representative on earth what he needs, up his back passage.’ The doctor also wanted everyone to rest assure that: ‘As long as he takes it up the arse every day, he’ll soon be smiling again.’

Apparently this isn’t the first case of catholic anal intrusion. Pope John Paul II was known to have a rare abnormality of his circulatory system which meant that the only accurate way to measure his temperature was by rectal insertion of a mercury thermometer.

HE GAVE A LITTLE WINCE THE FIRST TIME I SLIPPED IT IN In a show of appreciation to his doctor, Buzzonetti, Pope Benedict XVI gave him special treat: a commemorative bust of Mozart, the doctors favourite composer.

GOLDSTEIIN

BRENDAN O’ Carroll - IN OLD WOMAN SHOCker

I

In a shock revelation this week Ireland’s most beloved comic genius Brendan O’Carroll, revealed to the world the dark secret he has been carrying with him all his life. «I’ve been a cross dresser for most of my professional career.» he confessed to an aghast press conference in a travel lodge just outside Shannon airport. O’Carroll had just flown in from another sell out tour in Northern England and looked visibly relieved to have spilled his beans on the assembled journalists. O’Carroll the man behind such hilarious titles as ‘Mourning Mrs Brown’, ‘Mrs Brown rides again’, ‘For the love of Mrs Brown’ and ‘Steve Davis Mrs Brown and loses World championship.’ told the gathered journalists that he was born Agnes Brown and took on the Brendan O’Carroll persona to try and break into the chauvinist, Irish, comedy scene of the early 90’s. «Back then all the big hitters were men, Brendan Grace, Ding Dong Denny O’Reilly and Richie Kavanagh, A young Dublin girl didn’t stand a chance. So I, made a choice sacrifice my comedy dreams or sacrifice me life as Agnes Brown. That night i shaved the crown of my head and tied the rest into my trademark hilarious O’Carroll ponytail. I tied down my wobbly bits and shoved a black budding down my pants to cover me raspberry ripple. I went to the open mic night in the Finglas bingo hall, the grannies were literally pissing them selves.’’ Brendan, or should i say Agnes, who looked resplendent in a fetching, classic black number went on to explain that she soon got caught up in the laughter and was trapped into the O’Carroll character. «It

became a daily grind; waxing and polishing the top of my head, I was spending a fortune on black pudding and masking tape, and lets just say me wobbly bits and raspberry ripple weren’t in the best shape. On my first big break Brendan Grace walked into my dressing room and saw me naked from the waist down, luckily enough I managed to convince him i was only doing a skit tucking me lad between me legs and pretending I was a woman. He thought I was gas and asked me to support him on his tour. Brendan O’Carroll was thriving but Agnes was dying.

I tied down me wobbly bits and shoved a black pudding down me pants to hide me rasberry ripple.

I performed sell out gigs all over ‘How’s your Wobbly Bits, How’s your Raspberry Ripple, How’s your Snowballs and How’s your Jolly Roger’ all achieved critical acclaim but they were a cry for help that fell on deaf ears. I could never relax I was always paranoid that a pudding would fall out mid act or someone would notice my moustache was peeling off, I was a nervous wreck. To cover my tracks I even tried a sham marriage,but as you can imagine when it came to the bedroom I was always the warm up and never the main act. We drifted apart and I ended up on my own. I was at my lowest ebb, trapped in the character of a man that I hated. I started posting pictures of me gee on internet sex sites

in an attempt to broadcast my femininity, but any time a man got a look at my bald head he’d run a mile. I needed an outlet for my true self and that’s when I penned ‘The Mammy’ it was as close as I could imagine to letting Agnes out.

Amazingly people loved it, even Hollywood.

Anjelica Houston asked if she could play Agnes in a movie version. of course I agreed, who wouldn’t? but inside I was seething, watching a glamorous Hollywood star play me, while i was stuck as a bald, ponytailed, rat of a man.’

Everyone in the press conference could see the true emotion streaming from this beautiful, noble woman. It was obviously difficult for her, but Agnes summoned the strength to continue.

‘Enough was enough I had to let Agnes out, It was so simple, I threw away the pudding and the tape, and let my hair grow, I just told the world I had come up with a new stand up ‘Agnes Brown’ It was so liberating. I released hit show after hit show. The critics loved me, I was as hilarious as I’d ever been But I was still a woman dressed as a man dressed as a woman. The feeling of freedom only lasted so long. I knew I had to come clean.

Now I’m out for all the world to see, no more cross dressing for cheap laughs from idiotic fools.

I am who I am and that is Mrs Brown, I am a woman, wobbleys, rasberry ripple and all.’

Fuck bastards not having their money ready at the check-out. Fuck stupid cunts reading every line on the screen on an ATM and taking fucking ages. Fuck strangers bumming fags off me, buy a fucking packet or don’t smoke, you dick, and don’t offer me 20 cent for it either.

Like I’m going to keep that and put it towards my next box. And the same goes for using my phone. Fuck off. Fuck auld ones walking slowly on the pavement and holding me up. Fuck stupid teenagers cooing and hugging each other. Fuck scobes. Fuck lazy girls in tesco’s in their fucking P.J.s. Fuck cranky bus drivers for being rude surly bastards, if you didn’t want to be a bus driver you should have stayed in school and done your leaving cert. Fuck hot girls in pubs for not being impressed by me. Fuck ugly girls for thinking you have a shot with me. Fuck good Friday. I can get cans anyway. Fuck being dragged into a crap night club and being forced to listen to fucking shite.

Fuck the natural confectionary company. beef gelatine motherfuckers. Fuck Bebo.

Fuck Myspace. Fuck Facebook. And fuck all of you for using them. Fuck DJ Ray Foley and his monkeys, get off the fucking air.

Fuck Idiots putting onions in my burger when I asked for no fucking onions. Fuck Banks. Fuck two bit free newspapers.

Fuck wankers who spend all day posting on fucking awful threads on the Internet.

Fucking tragic. Fuck bastards in Centra not taking enough care and attention over my roll and ruining it by putting too much fucking coleslaw in it. Fuck spilling cans on your crotch. Fuck the sub of the day. Fuck cheap, dodgy bangers that are crap and skag you out for days. Fuck clipboard touting imbeciles smiling at me and asking me to sign up for some charity so they can get their commission. Fuck chlamydia. Fuck Jason Byrne, fuck ‘The afternoon show’ and all the other shite that makes up RTE. Fuck Paddy Power Poker. Fuck people putting fag buts in my can. Fuck Ireland for never qualifying for international football competitions. Fuck Kevin Kilbane for missing open goals when we do. Fuck birds in cakey makeup. Fuck all the middle class bastards talking about how they went to Perpignon to watch Munster. Fuck Ireland’s image as a bunch of friendly simpletons. Fuck Jeremy Clarkson and his joy boy cronies with their staged, crap, ad-lib, Top Gear bollocks. Fuck the complete arse holes in the Top Gear audience. Fuck Che Guevara t-shirts. fuck internet porn for ruining my libido. Fuck America’s next top model. Fuck Sky One. Fuck Tuborg for lowering their percentage to 4.0%.

Fuck Richie Kavanagh. Fuck the angelus.

Fuck stopping what your doing to have a think for yourself. Fuck squeezing blood out of a stone. Fuck me. Fuck The Whipping Post.

TOP CHUMPS Take on your friends in the ultimate game of skill “Top Chumps”. Reckon you know who has kissier lips a MILF or a Slapper, or who’s tougher out of a garda or a knacker?

Then prove it; cut out the cards, stick ‘em on a pack of normal cards and your ready to go.

SCUMBAG

BUILDER

GARDA

The tracksuit wearing backbone of our country, what they lack in finesse they make up for in numbers.

When not queuing for a roll in Centra, they like nothing more than standing round all day doing nowt.

Irelands finest; articulate, polite, reasonable, handsome, charming, witty, intellectuals, gods amongst men.

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

90 20 65 75 15 90

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

70 35 55 60 55 35

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

60 10 15 45 40 50

STUDENTS

GAA HEADS

WINOS

ERIC PUNCH CLOCK

DOLE HEADS

The future of our great country, as famous for their traffic cone pranks as there heated intellectual debates.

Found throughout the world sporting tops from every county; they make you feel proud.

cheery hedonists whose disdain for social convention is almost as refreshing as their odour.

Out there doing it for all the Joe Meatballs and Sally Housecoats.

These happy-go-lucky folks drift through life supported by our generous tax payments.

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

35 50 68 47 65 60

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

60 31 40 30 59 65

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

20 65 85 60 05 05

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

50 50 50 50 50 50

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

40 60 67 65 60 20

BOUNCERS

SLAPPERS

SUITS

MILFS

SKATERS

These burly protectors of our night clubs and pubs are known for their charm and intelligence.

Warm and giving, these generous ladies share their love indiscriminately.

Suits are the go-getters of society, as at home in the financial district as in an arsey night spot.

Maturity has smiled upon these ladies, like age on a fine bottle of French wine.

A lack of talent has never been an obstacle to these determined but loveable scamps.

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

65 15 35 08 25 50

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

36 65 41 12 78 42

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

30 12 10 74 50 25

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

25 60 60 40 80 45

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

51 48 50 45 45 85

GOTHS

TRAFFIC WARDENS

PIDGEONS

BUSKERS

CLIPPERS

Some would say they’ve a face like a slapped arse but under the doer exterior lies a gentle soul.

keeping our streets clear of carelessly parked cars. A noble task for a noble group.

These burly protectors of our night clubs and pubs are known for their charm and intelligence.

That walk to Tesco’s just wouldn’t be the same without a little ‘Wonderwall’ now would it?

Smiling charity workers who just make you want to punch them in the face in thanks for the good deeds.

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

20 40 60 50 40 06

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

10 15 20 69 12 10

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

00 00 97 09 00 00

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

35 70 61 59 66 27

TOUGHNESS X-FACTOR FORAGING SAVVY KISSY LIPS FANCY TRAINERS

15 65 62 40 60 43

RASHER by Mboy - Bboy

BLATHNAID’S PHOTO CASEBOOK Hi I’m Bláithnaid from that really really awful Afternoon Show on RTE. Have you seen it? I wouldn’t recommend it. Anyway here’s my casebook for this month. The 2 lads are desperate for a spit roast with the girls.

Competition

Alright mate, you and Sandra up for a spit roast this Friday?

Fancy a spit roast with me and Steve on Friday?

Sweeet. I’ll have to ask her first?

How about you Anna?

Wha’ she say then? innit?

I Said No

Competition Last weeks winner was Michael Hedgberg from Ballincollig in Cork, 2 free tickets to ‘Diary of the Dead’ fair fucks to ya boy.

no thanks

MMmmm Anna.

She’s mad for it...

I’ll see you Friday.

Me and Anna have our own plans for Friday.

KUDOS TECH HOUSE & TECHNO

For more Visit http://www.theferret.org.uk/

SUPERMAN SPINS BACK TIME

Hero of Metropolis and veteran saviour of the planet Superman shocked fans by reversing time in order to continue using his trial version of the Eikedit icon-design package. He spun the earth backward on its axis, a move which, despite experts’ predictions to the contrary, reversed time by several days. This allowed the superhero to continue using the software without purchasing a licence.

In a hasty press release issued after the gaffe, the Man of Steel explained ‘... I was working on a really cool ‘S’ icon that I was going to put in the status bar on my website, but just as I was about to save it, a dialog box popped up telling me my trial was over. I was really pissed off, so I just did the whole spinning-the-earth-backwards thing on the spur of the moment. I guess it was an overreaction, but tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing.

I’m only human.’

The sudden time-reversal plunged the earth three days (72 hours) into the past, causing widespread disruption in the financial services, data networks, media and local government. Most airlines grounded their planes, and looting was reported in many large cities including Los Angeles, Metropolis, Moscow and Naples.

Superman’s long-standing detractor Zod was unsurprisingly scathing. Addressing the human race, the former General began, ‘so your Superman has failed you once more. His powers are laughable.

He cannot even hack the time restriction on a piece of trial software, and must instead resort to farfetched contortions of the laws of physics.

‘Kneel before Zod,’ concluded Zod.

MAN STEALS NEPHEWS NOSE

A Cardiff man with no history of violence or theft stole his 6-yearold nephew’s nose yesterday in an act of unprovoked brutality.

The incident occurred while Marcus Bowen (48), an unmarried claims adjuster, was visiting his brother Hefin’s family in Newport, Wales. The Bowens had finished dinner, and were eating dessert when Marcus, with no forewarning, leaned across the table and snatched the nose of his nephew Aeron.

‘Got your nose,’ Marcus said in a mocking tone, slipping the proboscis deftly into his jacket pocket.

Aeron then asked for the nose back, but Marcus refused, saying «Oh no, it’s mine now.» Aeron began to cry; at this point his father intervened, attempting to wrestle the nose back from Bowen.

Bowen was already making for the door, however, and ignoring the impassioned pleas of both Hefin and his wife Anne, fled in his car with the stolen nose. Newport police say he may have gone to ground somewhere between that city and his native Cardiff, and have urged anyone who has seen a burgundy Honda Civic in the area, or has been approached by an unlicensed nose-seller, to contact them as soon as possible.

SEAN CROWLEY & MARK DRUMMOND + REGULAR GUESTS.

W - RAY

Scare in State hospitals An unnamed whistleblower in the Irish Health Board has claimed that some state hospitals use cheap W-ray machines instead of the safer X-ray devices in order to cut costs. The Ferret has acquired documents from a Health Board source which allege that up to eight hospitals in Ireland use W-ray machines on a regular basis. W-rays have a lower mean wavelength derivative (MWD) than X-rays, making them cheaper to produce but risking cellular damage to the subject if the power supply of the source is subjected to the slightest transverse voltage attenuation.

There are no medical W-ray manufacturers in the Ireland, though three firms in France and one in the UK ship internationally. It is thought that the Health Board acquired their W-ray machines from the French supplier Appareils Leclerc, S.A., based in Rouen.

The Irish Health Board declined to comment on the matter until they have conducted an internal inquiry. A spokesperson said this could take anything up to 2 weeks.

C

M

Y

CM

MY

CY

CMY

K

THURSDAY APRIL 10TH

LIQUIDLOUNGE, MARLBORO ST. 11PM - 2AM ADMISSION: &5 Further info @ http://www.myspace.com/kudosdjs http://www.bebo.com/kudosd

SURVIVING FAMOUS 5 FACE CRIMINAL CHARGES Julian Peason, formerly of ‘’The Famous Five’’: to face criminal proceedings along with sister Anne and cousin Georgina Braithwaite. Almost half a century after the end of their career as junior crimefighters, the three surviving members of The Famous Five Julian and Anne Peason, and Georgina (‘George’) Braithwaite - are to face multiple criminal charges for their interference in official police investigations which, claims Prosecution Counsel Jarvis Flamsteed, Q.C., led to the deaths of two officers as well as the bungling of a heroin seizure operation and the escape of three known members of an international peoplesmuggling ring.

Because of the popularity of the group of amateur sleuths, the prosecution case has made very slow progress - the alleged crimes took place in the 1950s and ‘60s - but Flamsteed’s team are confident that ‘’convictions will be meted out and justice will finally be done’’ as a result of the hearings, to begin in early June at Bow Street Magistrates Court, London.

Julian’s and Anne’s brother Dick, and the siblings’ pet dog Timmy (who was an honorary member of the team) are both dead, leaving Julian (65), Anne (68) and George (63) to face the full force of the law.

The prosecution’s case hinges on two incidents which occurred on Kirrin Island off the Cornish coast, both involving elaborate ‘stings’ orchestrated by the Devon & Cornwall Constabulary in an attempt to ensnare an infamous people-smuggler known only as ‘Uncle Quentin’. On both occasions the police’s operation failed because of meddling by Julian, Dick and Anne, George and Timmy the Dog. On the second, two officers lost their lives.

Julian Peason is said to be deeply hurt by the accusations, and Georgina Braithwaite, now head of the Devonshire Gay & Lesbian Alliance, has spoken publicly of her outrage: ‘’That we should give so many of our childhood years in the service of the public interest, only to be punished for it 50 years later, smacks of the cruellest irony: benefactors suffering at the hands of beneficiaries. ‘’Whenever there was a mystery to be solved,’’ she concluded, ‘’up in the ruined castle or down in Smugglers’ Hold [referring to two incidents cited in Mr. Flamsteed’s allegations], we were The Famous Five. Our record stands for itself.’’

S Y C N A L C AURANT. | BAR & REST

RK CES ST. CO

15-16 PRIN

APRIL

GH ROOM

BOROU THE MARL

dancinG h s i r i n m | Lear

9p MONDAYS

ISH MUSIC R I E V I L | 9 PM TUESDAYS BRU 3 THE DROM 08 4/

From 29/

ISH MUSIC R I E V I L | 0 PM AYS 9.3 VERS WEDNESD IRISH WEA

Submissions Send Artwork to whipeditor@gmail.com CONOR HARRINGTON

C

onor Harrington was born in Cork, Ireland in 1980. He was introduced to graffiti through a photo in National Geographic magazine at the age of 12 and 2 years later painted his first wall. The following years involved painting walls illegally around Cork before studying painting at the limerick School Of Art And Design. These four years in art college threw all previous graffiti-based beliefs into doubt. In 2004 Harrington moved to London where he works from a toxic studio in Brick Lane.

WWWW.CONORHARRIGTON.COM

KEY TO Images

a C

B D

E

A. Dinnertime Bandit B. All Sound and Fury C. Horse Power D. From the Ghetto to the Global Screnn D. Dictator and the Dancer

6 GREATEST

APRIL FOOLS HOAXES!

CLANCY’S BAR 15 - 16 princes St. Cork

BY ALEX BOESE | SEE MORE AT WWW.MUSEUMOFHOAXES.COM

1.

THE LEFTHANDED WHOPPER

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a «Left-Handed Whopper» specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, «many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.’

3.

MAN FLYS BY OWN LUNG POWER

In 1934 many American newspapers, including The New York Times, printed a photograph of a man flying through the air by means of a device powered only by the breath from his lungs. Accompanying articles excitedly described this miraculous new invention. The man, identified as German pilot Erich Kocher, blew into a box on his chest. This activated rotors that created a powerful suction effect, lifting him aloft. Skis on his feet served as landing gear, and a tail fin allowed him to steer.

What the American papers didn’t realize was that the «lung-power motor» was a joke. The photo had first appeared in the April Fool’s Day edition of the Berliner Illustrirte Zeitung. It made its way to America thanks to Hearst’s International News Photo agency which not only fell for the hoax but also distributed it to all its U.S. subscribers. In the original Berliner Illustrirte Zeitung article, the pilot’s name was spelled «Erich Koycher,» which was a pun on the German word ‘keuchen,’ meaning to puff or wheeze.

5.

GUINESS MEAN TIME

In 1998 Guinness issued a press release announcing that it had reached an agreement with the Old Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England to be the official beer sponsor of the Observatory’s millennium celebration. According to this agreement, Greenwich Mean Time would be renamed Guinness Mean Time until the end of 1999. In addition, where the Observatory traditionally counted seconds in ‘pips,’ it would now count them in ‘pint drips.’ The Financial Times, not realizing that the release was a joke, declared that Guinness was setting a ‘brash tone for the millennium.’ When the Financial Times learned that it had fallen for a joke, it printed a curt retraction, stating that the news it had disclosed ‘was apparently intended as part of an April 1 spoof.’

2.

THE SWISS SPAGHETTI HARVEST

4.

ISAAC BICKERSTAFF PREDICTIONS

In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop.

It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied that they should ‘Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.’

In February 1708 a previously unknown London astrologer named Isaac Bickerstaff published an almanac in which he predicted the death by fever of the famous rival astrologer John Partridge. According to Bickerstaff, Partridge would die on March 29 of that year.

Partridge indignantly denied the prediction, but on March 30 Bickerstaff released a pamphlet announcing that he had been correct: Partridge was dead. It took a day for the news to settle in, but soon everyone had heard of the astrologer’s demise. On April 1, April Fool’s Day, Partridge was woken by a sexton outside his window who wanted to know if there were any orders for his funeral sermon. Then, as Partridge walked down the street, people stared at him as if they were looking at a ghost or stopped to tell him that he looked exactly like someone they knew who was dead. As hard as he tried, Partridge couldn’t convince people that he wasn’t dead. Bickerstaff, it turned out, was a pseudonym for the great satirist Jonathan Swift. His prognosticatory practical joke upon Partridge worked so well that the astrologer finally was forced to stop publishing his almanacs, because he couldn’t shake his reputation as the man whose death had been foretold.

6.

7 Day Sirloin For €7 ‘Til 7 The deal of the year, you scream: can this be?

A 5oz (pre-cooked weight) maize-fed, Irish steak, with steakhouse fries, for €7.00, before 7 PM, 7 days a week! Simply buy a drink [soft drink, bottled beer, pint, etc.] and it will be!

FREE

HOTSPOT

CLANCY’S BAR AND RESTAURANT, PRINCESS ST. THE SYDNEY ICEBERG

On April 1, 1978 a barge appeared in Sydney Harbor towing a giant iceberg. Sydneysiders were expecting it. Dick Smith, a local adventurer and millionaire businessman (owner of Dick Smith’s Foods), had been loudly promoting his scheme to tow an iceberg from Antarctica for quite some time.

Now he had apparently succeeded. He said that he was going to carve the berg into small ice cubes, which he would sell to the public for ten cents each. These well-traveled cubes, fresh from the pure waters of Antarctica, were promised to improve the flavor of any drink they cooled. Slowly the iceberg made its way into the harbor. Local radio stations provided excited blowby-blow coverage of the scene. Only when the berg was well into the harbor was its secret revealed. It started to rain, and the firefighting foam and shaving cream that the berg was really made of washed away, uncovering the white plastic sheets beneath.

Reviews DEL THE FUNKY HOMO

MONGREL

HAMMEL ON TRIAL

ELEVENTH HOUR

MAGAZINE

DEFINITIVE JUX 2008

R.I.P 2006 - 2008

Del the Funky Homosapien has spent much of the past eight years either off the radar or being somewhat incongruously all over it, as was the case when he took over ‘Clint Eastwood’ on the first Gorillaz record. But his 2008 is looking lively. In addition to rumored new albums from Hieroglyphics and Deltron 3030, Del’s partnered with Definitive Jux for ‘11th Hour.’ The label’s tendency toward bottom-heavy, fog-thick beats sounds well good under Del’s syrupy brainiac flow, which goes back to his battle-rap basics here, especially on the slithery ‘Slam Dunk’ and the synthed-up ‘Hold

Price is normally an indicator of quality, but economic indicators aren’t always trustworthy. In fact they’re not, but once upon a time before the Euro, they were. But this isn’t about the euro, or mortgages, or cocaine. This is a shout out to Mongrel, the free magazine, which published its last issue last month. It was free and it wasn’t shit. It’s not normal for a paper down south to devote precious ad-space to a Dublin publication. But Mongrel was never about the ‘parochial GAA’ crap or ‘they’re all mulchies beyond the pale’ rubbish. Mongrel was a decent, sometimes deadly, magazine that always ripped into Pat Kenny and his love-child

True story. 4 guys. Monday night. Car to Cork. Lot of laughter. Agreement reached that music is dead as we know it. Megalomaniacal dunces U2 are in 3D in the cinemas. James Blunt is still alive.

The gutless talent-free zone that is Glen Hansard wins an Oscar. It’s all been done. These days it’s all ‘moon in June’ rhyming by po-faced mummy’s boys who think being sincere and earnest is more important than having anger and balls.

If you have an acoustic guitar you are a bedwetter. You strum your F Minors. and sing how she left you for the town’s mechanic who has Go Faster stripes on his car and a Nickelback cd. Wah-wah noone understands me. Hammel On Trial lines up these lily-livered deadbeats and uses their spinal chords as toothpicks. His battered 1930s acoustic guitar looks like it’s been shared between Howlin’ Wolf, Keith Richards, John Gotti and Robinson Crusoe. It’s his only guitar and it’s an angry bastard. He wrote a song about it.

‘Seven Seas’. Probably the greatest song about putting a $10 downpayment on a guitar and waiting for your ship to come in before paying off the rest. In the song, he composed sea-shanties, he rented ‘Jaws’, he watched re-runs of ‘The LoveBoat’ - no ship came in. He read ‘Moby Dick’, he got a tattoo that read ‘Ishmael’ - still no ship. Then on Christmas Day he saw three ships coming into the Bay. Closer. Three ships. Bingo! Ships! None of them were his. In the end his wife paid off for the rest of the guitar so ultimately ‘Seven Seas’ is a love story. Weep over that Barbra Cartland. You tart.

Your Hand.’ And for the killer, Zappreferencing first single ‘Bubble Pop,’ Del enlists the twinkle-bell sample best recognized from ‘Peter Piper,’ something you probably don’t do unless you’re serious about your return. ‘11th Hour’ doesn’t reinvent so much as reinvigorate.

75% - DROGBA

THE CORONAS UTTER SHITE FLUSH IT NOW... IT’S SHITE...

Well here we have the most utterly appalling band I have ever heard. Most bafflingly of all these fuckin Coronas are well popular, how? why? what?

Why the fuck? They’ve got the kind of mass following reserved for such idiotic acts as boybands, Bono types and lads who’ve been breaking their bolloxes for years on end, alright Damien. It’s easy to see why the student demographic may take to The Coronas. This shite is destined for radio and Snowpatrol bollicksy type soundtracks and as we all know Corona is a shite beer anyway and unfortunately for you Corona lads not even shoving a lime down your neck will make your music any better.

0.75% - JOHNSON Why the .75%, well because I shagged some semi hot bird at the gig and when I say semi I mean with a semi, cheers lads, its been a while.

Ryan Turbiudy, always had a few fit chicks in between the covers and nearly always had an irreverent and well shot cover, fitting its mandate and pissing on modern Ireland.

And now its gone. Quite why I don’t know why. Of course there are the rumours and whispers circulating round the Red Cow round-a-bout. There’s talk of a mutli-killion euro buy-out by Independent newspapers. At the same time there’s rumours of Mongrel being involved in an Albanian pyramid scheme operating out of Drimnagh.But that’s getting away from the retrospective on what Mongrel meant to modern Ireland.

Discuss. Mongrel staffers were morally reprehensible, yet unlike the rest of the Dublin media pack, they were about the only ones who didn’t go down the road of writing for the RTE Guide or Aertel, or worse Hot Press.. They could have easily misused their skills and ended up writing diarrhea for VIP or In Dublin the Sunday Independent or The Joe Duffy Show. But they chose to go it alone and each month, or issue, which ever came first, build the first truly independent almost nationwide magazine.

In terms of journalism I can’t remember any of it, but they had one of the all time greatest jokes on their website. By the way the website was very 1992.Why do French people only eat one egg? Because one egg is un ouef. Mongrel’s true legacy is that it was not shit, and for that reason it soared higher than the top of the Spire.

It was at times a bit arsey and artsy, but you’d allow it the occasional indulgence, because it always went back to its base; pulling modern Ireland’s pants down and exposing a tiny willy. And it was free while being quality, such an unorthodoxy for a capitalist junkie country. So the pages turn no longer for Mongrel, all that’s left to do is write an epithet, erect a headstone or scribble some graffiti and get langers for issues and articles gone-by. So if you have any money left Mongrel send it to the Whipping Post and we’ll have a drink in your honour. In the words of the miserable bollicks Samuel Beckett, Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again.

Fail again. Fail better. Vote Fianna Fail.

Mongrel - top dog, for a while.

Resepect - ahhh! - R. JACOBS

THE DIVING BELL &

REVELATION SOUND

AUDIENCE ON FIRE

THE BUTTERFLY

RASTA SOUND SYSTEM

CYPRUS AVENUE 25.02.08

JULIAN SHNABEL 2007

Hamell told jokes about his friend’s mother dying in hospital and him taking her on in thumb-wrestles before rigormortis set in. Jokes about giving up drugs after 20 years of putting in the hours big style. Jokes about not understanding our Cork accents. Jokes about the nerdy couple at the front ‘You guys met on the internet, right?. He sang a song about his hero John Lennon. He sang a song about his father killing his mother. He sang a song about hating his son-in-law. When I say ‘sang’ I mean ‘spat out words like an uzi, hitting targets like the World Paintball Champion’. Bang bang bang. This was white hot heat. He tore Hemingway’s words asunder; in Ed’s world it’s better to live 100 years as a lion than a single minute as a lamb. He talked about seeing The Who as a 14 year old. How he sneers when people ask him what he thinks of some lame-brain, weak-kneed shockjock new band. ‘I saw The Who. I was 14. They were louder than war. Their drummer died and came back to life. The instruments were destroyed in a tsunami of electricity. They had tantric sex with the most gorgeous looking broads in the arena. Three at a time. And you expect me to be impressed by your puny alt rock shit? I didn’t do that many drugs!!’ He bashed out ‘Rockaway Beach’ and ‘White Riot’ to finish. Punk’s not dead, it just smells a bit off.

In artistic cinematic terms this is one of the best films I’ve ever seen, I cannot think of another film that explores the inner workings of a character so intimately and believably, while blending cinematography, sound effects, and musical score in such harmony. I felt the French influence strongly cinematically and, of course in the dialogue, but the writing and acting was so fluid it felt like the subtitles weren’t even there. The film deals with a rare physical condition called ‘Locked In Syndrome’, so perfectly orchestrated I felt like I was physically there with the character from start to finish. I felt each moment as if it were my own. That is a rare accomplishment in cinema. Julian Schnabel directed a stellar cast. Mathieu Amalric was unusually charming as Jean-Dominique Bauby, and Max Von Sydow was heartbreaking as his lonely widower father. Overall, this film was as pure a cinematic experience as I’ve witnessed in a long time. A true artist turns out a film that is truly a piece of art.

Julian Schnabel takes his time in between films, but with work like this, there’s no need to rush. Like a good painting, one can enjoy it for a lifetime.

85% - JOHNSON

WAMBO 4 STALLONE 2008

Look, it was Monday night. Just 4 guys at a gig. Maybe some of them had a piss against some Pajeros in Bandon on the road home. Maybe a weeny cd was ejected from the car stereo, broken and thrown to the wind as the car sped through Innishannon. Maybe plans were made to play improv noise in De Barras this summer under the moniker ‘Lanky& The Rotten Crotches’. All of these things are possible. Sometimes a great notion just needs a leap of faith. Hop, skip and jump, wait for the bump.

The last time I saw Wambo, he was helping the Taliban overthwo the Sowiets.

Now Stallone takes us to Buwma, whewe the wuling militia is engaged in a bwutal 60 year civwil waw against the Kawen ethnic gwoup. At 61, Stallone is still as physical as evew moving pwetty well and wunning and diving with the best of them, having said that the bloke bawely looks human. Hes got no neck and his wists and fowarms have become like one giant side of beef. The violence and gore in “Wambo” is amazing. Stallone takes no pwisoners in the level of gowe, exploding bodies and decapitating heads. People are hacked to pieces, babies are tossed into burning buildings, childwen are mowed down by heavy gunfire and entire cwowds are incinewated. The final 30 minutes is cawnage of legendawy pwopowtions. It gets so out of hand that it turns into fullon pawody. By the time Wambo had killed the evil Buwmese commandew, I was left in stitches. Fair dues tho the melding of blood-filled dummies and CGI gowe with weal actaws and detonating munitions is seamless for a film that was made on such a modest budget and diwected by someone who doesn’t have much of a pedigwee. What we have, though, is a Wambo film, with all the clumsy political themes we’ve come to expect. Were it not fow the ludicwous level of violence and the cinematic cuwwency the ‘Wambo’ name cawies, this film would be a dud.

88% - RALPH MEXICO

65% - JOHNATHAN WOSS

FIRST THURSDAY OF EVERY MONTH

Revelation Sound System hail from Cork Ireland. The only Rasta Sound System vibrating the dancefloors with pure positivity for the last decade in this country. This is a traditional reggae sound system, hand built with a mighty selection of speakers, effects units and powered by a full range of amplifiers custom built by the legendary Jah Tubby’s. The two brothers, Jeremiiah and Benjamin play the sound system together with the selectio, operation and playing of musical instruments in a King David style, combines with roots rhythms from the earliest reggae recordings to the marching dub anthems of the present day.

Featuring dub plates and unreleased specials, this sound is a journey into oneness.

The lads play Cypress Avenue Cork on the first Thursday of every month, Doors at 9 PM and its €7 in. Check out their sounds on: www.myspace.com/revelationsound1

DAEDELUS FREE GIG IN LIMERICK FRIDAY APRIL 11th. 2008

Daedelus one of the L.A. undergrounds foremost experimentalists is coming to Limerick for the first time. The Ninja Tune DJ, composer and avant-jazz mixolgist plays a free gig with his magic monome box (check it out on youtube search for Daedelus ) in the Cornmarket, Limerick on Friday the 11th of April (8pm til late).

Support on the night is from Peter Curtin (Cheebah/Spinsouthwest) and John Gough and Johnny Doobs (Kerrynini).

Daedelus, the eccentric, electronic maestro of the Pacific is one of LA’s most daring new artists. This young musical romantic weaves together a true ‘lovesound’ that falls between honeyed melody and avant-electronics. Daedelus chops and splices disparate acoustic sources into incredible works of staggering resonance. Contrasting IDM styled cutups with childlike arrangements from the 30’s and 40’s, he has refined a style that has no imitators. Exactly the kind of music you’d expect from a scarily wellconnected hip hop nut who happens to dress in Edwardian clothing and names himself after an Ancient Greek Legend.

Having been sampled by Madlib and with a body of work including releases through Mush, Plug Research, Hefty, Tigerbeat6, and Eastern Developments, Daedelus’ rep is long since established. Daedelus is currently signed to Ninja Tune home to the likes of Kid Koala, Mr. Scruff and the Cinematic Orchestra.

Sounds and looks like: http://www. myspace.com/daedelusdarling More info contact: Peter Curtin 085 721 35 31

Interview

TECH FEST FESTIVAL www.myspace.com/techfest08

Kicking off the festival season this year is a new wholly independent techno extravaganza set against an idyllic rural landscape in Offally. With Swedish Drumcode supremo Adam Beyer and his blend of ferocious techno, Glaswegian production duo Slam and Radio 1’s Fergie headlining a choice line-up of Irish and international talent, a day of madness, midlands style is guaranteed.

Techfest is being brought to us by Cian Frawley, one half of the celebrated Strutt promotions. Strutt were recently nominated in the Best Independent Promoter category at the Irish Dance Music Awards narrowly missing out on success. Strutt nights have become synonymous with a great party atmosphere and have garnered a loyal following among clubbers after playing host to such luminaries as Joey Beltram, Green Velvet, Dj Bone, Trevor Rockliffe, Dave Angel, Jel Ford, Slam, Inland Knights, Ignition Technician, Charles Webster and Craig Richards.

The venue of The Thatch is a converted farmyard and pub nestled along the banks of the canal in Rahan which is just outside of Tullamore. There will be state of the art lighting, sound and projector screens setup delivering a quality audio experience and showcasing the best in Irish VJ talent. There is a pub with full-bar onsite serving any drink that you can care to think of, not one of those sponsored monopolised bars that only serve’s one crap beer. With a variety of food stalls catering for even the most diverse tastes, everyone will be well catered for.

Techfest kicks the summer in it’s stones on May 31st. Further info hit: www.myspace.com/techfest08

MITCH HEDBERG REMEMBERED www.mitchhedberg.com

Comedy Hero and master of Paraprosdokian phrase.

‘I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too’ ‘I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.’

‘You know when it comes to racism, people say: ‘I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green’... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they’re suffocating then help’em.’

‘My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.’

DERRICK MAY Derrick May, also known as Mayday and Rhythim is Rhythim, is an electronic musician from Detroit, Michigan U.S.A. May is credited with developing the futuristic variation on house music that would be dubbed ‘techno’. May played at Strutt in Dolans on the 16th of March.

Dan Sykes caught up with this Techno legend after the gig to chalk a few words.

INTERVIEW 20.03 POST: How did you enjoy the gig?

DERRICK MAY: I enjoyed it very much,

I was really happy, I saw people shaking, I saw women moving their hips and I saw guys having a great time. My thing is that I actually play for the women because I think if you can touch the soul then you’ve done your job. That’s always priority number one. How do I touch the soul you may ask? I play from my own heart and it seems to attract women and I like that, the guys follow, I’m not worried about the guys. I play for the women because so often techno music has been associated with these shirts off boys with their hands in the air and this ridiculous aggressive nature and I think that’s what’s missing in electronic music.

POST:

What did you think of the atmosphere in the place?

DERRICK MAY: It was good, it got

better later. It was too bad that I couldn’t play like another two hours because it would have been off the fuckin hook maytey.

POST: As a person who was one of the forerunners of techno, can you define techno for everyone, whats your own interpretation of what techno is?

DERRICK MAY: Well my way of

defining techno would be to say that at this moment I’ve been working with the concept of high tek soul. The reason I’m working with high tek soul is because what its doing is redefining techno music as it once was. Not redefining it as something new but just redefining to people who never really understood the definition of what it was about, who never really understood the purpose of what we were doing. The defining definition of techno music is high tek soul, it’s a hybrid form, a hybrid derivative of what Detroit Techno is, it’s soul music with electronic instruments.

POST: These days there is a lot of minimal, there’s a lot of tech house, there’s a lot of derivative genres off the original concept.

Do you think they’ve lost the kind of soul that techno had as a starting out feature and how do you feel techno is these days?

DERRICK MAY: I don’t necesserraly

feel that , I feel that minimal and all these different styles have a sort of purpose

and a destination point, where they’re coming from and where they’re going to go. I think that too often they’re seen as a predecessor of Detriot Techno; and there is no predecessor of Detroit techno because what we did was kick start a revolution, and to kick start a revolution means that you define . eh. Ur. It’s the defining moment of all time. It’s like Mohamad Ali winning, you know, being Mohamad Ali, It’s like Prince being Prince, It’s like Elvis Presley being Elvis Presley, You cannot duplicate that, it is what it is.

POST: How do you think the Irish club scene is today in comparison to your first visits I’m guessing maybe 12 years ago?

DERRICK MAY: Well you know what it’s my first time in Limerick I’m not going to lie to you ah I’ve been to Dublin to Belfast, I was in these cities when they were divided ahh I was here when it was not good times, I was here when the tanks were all over the place. It was fucked up. And um now I feel a sense of liberation from the people, people feel totally liberated and at ease and they are willing to express their views and over all emotions, that’s good man, that’s a good thing. It’s a different place, back then people partied like it was the last party of all time, like they would never party again in their lives it was almost like the times I went to Macedonia and these kind of places and I understand that because people were living under a tyranny, know what I mean? The English government and all the bullshit that goes along with it.

But I think now uh it feels uh very uh very sensuous, very passionate, and people are within reach or their own happiness.

That’s another thing and I feel good about it. It’s nice to be here.

POST: Thank you very much Derrick.

DERRICK MAY: Thank you brother and

I’m happy to be here and I’ll be back and ahh my Irish brothers and sisters I love Youghal, stay funky, stay Black, and be cool.

DAN SYKES SPIN FM s/w

Jean Claude Van Ran Damme MONTH

Science Post

OF THE

STENCIL

Out Now In all good newsagents

Props go to Kevin Largey this month for his fine stencil work, hes taken the front cover of Issue 2 of TWP and given it cult status by plastering it all over the walls of Ri - Ra (a pub in Dublin) nice one Kev

This weeks stencil of the month goes to Rick Walsh for his portrait of Alfred Hitchcock, theres a free Whipping Post T shirt on the way to ya. Please send your stencils to whipeditor@gmail.com.

Check out his impressive site KVLR www.kevlargey.com We’d love to see your work so send Submissions for Stencil of the Month to: whipeditor@gmail.com

DOWN THE PUB WITH PADDY ROCHE IRELANDS LEAST INFORMED DRINKING CONSULTANT.........

............Come here to me?You know what pisses me off? NO? I’ll tell you. Fucking dole queues. I was signing on there on Tuesday and the fecking queue was nearly going out the door boy. Swear to god I was waiting for the best part of 20 minutes like a right langer. Do they think I’ve nothing better to be doing? There was a rake of hatches they weren’t even using. Fucking eejits! Laziness outta dem plane and simple. By the time I got back to the building site the boss was bullin’.......

.................I was listening to the radio there boy and some ghoul was going on about cutting the drinking limits down to fuck all. what’s all that about? Mick the guard reckons if it keeps up like this even HE will have to get a taxi home after a night on the piss.... ..........

Langers........... ...........Shur they’ll never enforce it.................

.......... I got delivered a load of those new recycling bags last week.

Fucking pointless. I wrapped a load of them round me old washing machine and the fuckers didn’t recycle it at all. It still on the street. Some young one told me told me it’s for me tins and cans. What’s the point in that? It’s all rubbish anyway. It’s like wiping your arse with both sides of the paper! And who does that? Nobody boy.........

...............Beamish there love.......

CLASSIFIEDS

CROSS WORD GRRR!

SUBMISSIONS TO WHIPEDITOR@GMAIL.COM Affable rasta type gentleman needed to distribute totaly tropical carboated beverages to several locations across the Caribbean. Previous experience not essential but pearly white teeth and a sunny disposition a must.

Contact: 087 9342332 Man with white suit and panama hat needed to assess the quality of several fruits across the world for use in a variety of canned produce and fruit drink. Contact: DELMONTE on 086 3085391 and say ‘Yes’ to a new career.

ACROSS:

DOWN:

1. Weak hospital (9) 9. Inward looking evolutionist (6) 10. Plan of operations (8) 11. Pop kittens (6) 12. Famous scottish scotch whisky (6) 14. Rotational spindle (4) 15. Odysseus was alarmingly tempted by one (5) 16. One who lacks melanin (6) 18. Narrow neck of land (7) 21. German city of musk (7) 23. ...... ye rosebuds, Horace (6) 25. The largest Saturnian moon (5) 29. inf. Debauchee (4) 30. Accustomed (6) 31. Smelling of stale fat (6) 32. Done on purpose (8) 33. To do with horses (6) 34. Characterised by a love of beauty (9)

2. Person with the authority to perform legal duties (6) 3. Son of Daedelus,who flew too high (6) 4. More submissive (6) 5. Sunglasses popular in the US of A (3,4) 6. Manafacturer of Barbie (6) 7. Aquatic self propulsion (7) 8. Amusing story,you’ve probably heard it already (9) 11.Davy Crocketts last stand (5) 13. Thailands name until 1939 (4) 17. He hoarded his money, how degrading (9) 19.Strong dark grey metal (8) 22. Inclination (4) 24. 1986 Cameron flick,sequel to 1979 Scott film (6) 25. Prosper (6) 26. Childish retaliation (3,3) 27.Subtle difference (6) 28. Citizen of southern Arabian state (6)

Goon? Available for hire? we have a large range of work for the right minded individual. contact: Slasher Mcgurk 087 2476184 Florist needs late night sales reps for busy drinking establishments around the country.

Healthy commisions paid to successful applicants. We provide you with your own paper cup, and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t take no for an answer attitude a definite plus. Contact Rosy: 087 6567112 AdvanceD Robotic engineer required for full-time position in Coastal Irish town. In depth knowledge of dolphin anatomy and Aqua prosthetics vital.

Contact: Pad - Ass on 086 3872724 I’m currently illegally parked on double yellows, if you want me to move just give me a shout. 0879673979

ISSUE 4 SOLUTIONS ACROSS: 1.Israel 5.Lisbon 10.Prayers 11.Salvage 12.Iota 13.Heron 15.Diva 17.Ron 19.Sanity 21.Settee 22.Heralds 23.Cadres 25.Psyche 30.East 31.Layer 32. Ming 35.Trotsky 36.Momento 37.Ashlar 38.Nemesis.

THE DELIGHTFUL BARKING DOG LOVERS CLOCK Just99 €21..p&p inc

Money needed for booze and fags, riveting conversation and sea shantys will be given in exchange.please contact. Wino Tim: 0879527265 Donkey meat required for traditional Irish chipper in Limerick city centre. 061 546544

This delightful barking dog lovers clock, not only looks beautiful, it sounds beautiful. When the hour hand reaches each number you’ll hear the bark of the dog the hand is pointing to and even a light odour of the dog is released - This means that on the hour every hour it’s like having a dog in your house. Twelve authentic dog sounds and unique dog odours mark the hours and are guaranteed to brighten up the dullest of days. In addition The barking dog lovers clock can help to scare off burglars in the night.

You will also become an expert at distinguishing the different barks of dogs and will be able to tell a rottweiler from a poodle with your eyes closed. The clock has an accurate quartz movement, measures 12 inches in diameter, oohh matron! and requires 12x AA batteries (not supplied).

Hanky pranky? Wizza Wozza? I can provide all your shimmy shimmy needs in a jiffy.Best prices in town,if you can find cheaper Wozzo anywhere i’ll eat my hat. Bish bash bosh. Contact: Duggan 0872877524 I’ll personally give someone €50 if they give me a right good blowjob . Paudie 086 813 9590

DOWN: 2.Spartan 3.Apex 4.Lister 5.Lesson 6.Salt 7.Onanist 8.Optics 9.Berate14.

Royalty. 16.Other 18.Messy 20.Yes 21. SDP 23.Create 24.Despots 26.Clients 27.Egg Nogs 28.Sawyer 29.Yeoman 33.Asal 34.Imam.

PLEASE DEAR GOD SEND ME

THE DELIGHTFUL BARKING DOGLOVERS CLOCK

QTY PRICE TOT. €22.99

TITLE (MR/MS.........................INTIAL...........SURNAME........................

ADDRESS.................................................................................................. ...........................................................................POSTCODE:...................

TEL NO: (LAST 4 DIGITS).......................................................................

DOCTOR JENNINGS

MEDICAL QUERIES ANSWERED

A.J GLABBER: When I get intoxicated I get the overwhelming urge to strangle women. I’ve killed four young ones already and im scared I’ll do it again.

DR. JENNINGS: Well AJ, All women can wind us men up at the best of times, stay off the hooch and I’d say you’ll be grand kid.

I ENCLOSE MY CHEQUE/PO FOR€.................CROSSED & MADE PAYABLE TO ‘ TWP SMO 11680’. NAME AND ADDRESS ON BACK. SIGNATURE .....................................................................................................

PLEASE ALLOW 21 DAYS FOR DELIVERY. OFFER SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY . IF YOU ARE NOT TOTALY SATISFIED WITH YOUR PURCHASE RETURN GOODS TO US WITHIN 14 DAYS OF RECEIPT FOR A FULL REFUND. ENDORSED BY BLAITHNAID.

THE WHIPPING POST LTD MAY CONTACT YOU WITH ALLEGATIONS OF IDIOCY IN THE FACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED SUCH A PRODUCT EXISTED.

THE HORROR SCOPE YOUR MONTHLY PATH TO DEATH FORETOLD BY MYSTIC MULHOON A fool and his money are soon parted. A fool and his head are also soon parted especially on your upcoming trip to Dublin when you stick your head out the train window for a breath of fresh air.

You’re street wise; there are no flies on you. Well not yet. Unfortunately the same won’t be able to be said about your bloated body when it’s found six months from now.

Man can not live by bread alone, but it certainly helps. You’ll certainly wish you had some after your diet of co-pilot runs out and you lie starving to death on a frozen mountain side.

You’ve never been afraid to grab the bull by the horns and up to now this has stood you in good stead. unfortunately you’ve only one set of hands and the bulls of the Pamplona bull run have many horns.

Loosing your hair can be a traumatic experience, but you won’t have long to dwell on it as the rest of your body will soon be sliced to pieces in the industrial bacon slicer you have fallen into.

Does that niggling feeling at the back of your mind mean you’ve forgotten something or does it mean that your alien brain parasite is about to hatch. Only time will tell. (it’s the parasite)

You’ll go green with envy when you see your neighbours new BMW. It won’t last long though as you’ll soon go black, blue and red, when he uses it to run over you repeatedly for looking at him funny.

You’re a firm believer in science and empirical investigation. You will however begin to doubt the validity of some of the more cutting edge experiments as your vivisection proves more painful and lethal than had been promised.

Despite all those positive mental attitude classes you won’t be able to help but get that sinking feeling again this month. I guess being sucked to your death in a pool of quick sand won’t help. Still though keep the chin up.

The whole world will learn your name this month. Finally some long sought after recognition. I Guess though you wouldn’t have chosen your name being given to the newly discovered ‘deadly exploding genitalia’ virus.

Every cloud has a silver lining and even the terrible events of next month will have their up sides.

I mean how else would you be able to learn you were such a talented painter using only your mouth. And the prices will shoot right up after your untimely demise.

Fate is smiling on you this month and opportunity knocks around every corner. What ever you turn your hand to; you will succeed in.

Don’t be afraid to try new things or meet new people. You are great.

MYSTIC MULHOON © Many other mystics sugar coat their predictions with bogus claims of dark handsome strangers and new relationships. Only I, Mystic Michael Mulhoon, tell the real horrific truth. I use a wide variety of techniques to make my divination this month. This month I have mostly been divining the future from shitting in my own urine.

Text your Starsign to 0858484757

Galway: Eyre Square 11 pm

Limerick: Perry Square (by Tait’s clock) 11 pm

Cork: Emmet place 11 pm

paraphernalia; drums, whistles, placards, big foam hands or whatever and meet us on the 1st of this month, April at 11 pm at the gathering site in your town (listings are below) and lets make as much of a ruckus as we can and show those big shots that we mean business. It’s all of our duties to stand up to the injustices of the system and show them we will make a stand!!!

Editorial

The Whipping Post

W e here at The Whipping Post believe passionately in free speech, unfortunately not everyone feels the same way. The powers that be have been waging a campaign against us attempting to shut down our just and righteous cause. Turns out those fat cats in the city don’t like it when their feathers are ruffled or their cages are shaken up.

Well we’ve had enough!! We’re organising marches across Ireland in defence of our constitutional right to say whatever we want and if those big wigs in city hall want to stop us they can just try. So everyone who believes in the cause, gather together your marching

Letters

whipeditor@gmail.com Would you do Cher? She’s 60 odd but she doesn’t look terrible. I probably wouldn’t but plenty of my friends reckon they would.

Dear Editor,

I was watching Eastenders there and I saw they buried that ginger bloke in a box. If i could be buried in a box it would be Cheryl Tweedy’s one. I’d say it’s savage.

N. Colbers

Dear Editor,

S.Flavan Dear Editor,

V. Viz

My dad told me that if you carry around some orange peel in your pocket, you can fool people into thinking you’ve just eaten an orange by taking it out and saying «MMmmm that was a lovely orange.».

Dear Ed,

P. M. Vitty

Sometimes I like to get half a custard cream and half a bourbon and stick them together to make one super biscuit. Have you ever tried anything like this??

Dear Editor, I am very pleased with the absorbancy of your newspaper, last week my mate puked on my living room carpet and I mopped the whole lot up with just one paper. Do you think it could be made a little softer though as it’s a bit rough around the ring.

Mike McCarthy Dear editor, Who do you think would win in a fight between Ant and Dec? I reckon that Dec would probably take Ant eventually but it would still be a good fight all the same.

N.Edmonds

John Foley

DESIGN Steve Johnson

DISTRIBUTION

EDITOR Trent Goldstein

Staff

Issue 6

EDITOR Frank Kapowski

ADVERTS Hildegaard Kloot

Credits WORDS

Images

Anderson, Colm Ahern, Junior, Goldsein, Kapowski, Johnson, Alex Boese, Embops, R. Jacobs, Ralph Mexico, Dan Sykes, Mulhoon, John A. Wood, Drogba.

Mboy, Dodgy Dave, Conor Harrington, Johnson, Kapowski.

Sound Emma W, Stiv, Mike, The Kid, Ryaners, Gravey, Fahey, The not great at folding but sound anyway Mugsy, Sam (the Ferret), Ruth and Johner, Joe Foldy, Geoff Hall.

Contact The Whipping Post Whipping Media House, 100 Patrick St. Cork, Ireland. www.myspace.com/thewhipping whipeditor@gmail.com Advertising tel.:+3538867327628 whipads@gmail.com

Untitled-1 1

ADAM BEYER / SLAM / FERGIE / HARD CELL (LIVE) / PANPOT / NET 28 SHOWCASE FEAT. TADEO & FROM KARAOKE TO STARDOM (LIVE) / ACII TONE SHOWCASE FEAT. AL KEEGAN & MATADOR (LIVE) / JAY GROGAN / CIAN FRAWLEY / BAD BOY BLAST / DAN SYKES / PHONO DJs / NIALL POWER / PLUS MORE TBC. EARLY BIRD TIX AVAILABLE TIL MAY 5TH 2008 ONLY €35 FROM TICKETMASTER & TICKETS.IE / €49.50 PLUS BOOKING FEE THERE AFTER

27/03/2008 14:24:58