April 1996 - Binghamton Review

Gordon Sharpless Declares His Candidacy!

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Who Wrote the Memo?

STUDENT ASSOCIATION

• A Critical Look at the Dirtiest Political Smear of the Year A Bold New Proposal for Reforming the Student Activity Fee Structure A Holocaust Survivor Recalls Her Voyage to Freedom in America

BINGHAMTON REVIEW April. 1996

Volume 9. Number 7

Departments Editorial: No. we shouldn't get rid of the cultural groups, but they do need to be reformed to minimize political extremism AI Co up de Tele is back! Read all about it in a scintillating

"':il: edition of Campus Presswatch Kentucky may have won the national championship. but Charles Barkley slam dunks Democrats in Quibbles & Bits

Features Joshua Trapani reveals the facts behind The Memo and gives some insight as to its origin For the first time. SA Academic Vice President Jeff

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c::::;J Golant speaks out on The Memo

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He's no Robert Novak. but Nathan L. Wurtzel docs his best to provide news and tidbits from inside the SA 61) Joseph P. Hurl' unveils a new plan to make student groups

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accountable to the students for their funding

Paul Torres makes an eloquent statement concerning the

QJ) illegitimacy of the VPMA and the need for its removal

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Henny Simon poignantly recalls her flight from postwar Europe to America

Dawn M'Kibbin shows that dive rse personalities can form lasting friendships in a brand-new "Keilka" 61) AI

Gordon Sharpless that he will be a presidential

Cf':il: candidate- for the Bull Moose Party. no doubt All photographs for this issue were taken by Nathan Wurtzel. who knows next to nothing about photography

Next Issue • The first annual Bingham/on Review '''Enemies List'· • Tearful farewells from graduating Review staffers • The final installment of Dawn M' Kibbin's "Keilka" Available on May I, t 996

APRil. 1996

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EDITORIAL

BINGHAMTON Re VIE W

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Reform the Cultural Groups

Ai

nthony J. Benardello, candidate for SA president, was asked an ' nteresting question at the Speech and Debate Club forum in midMarch- should the cultural unions be defunded and disbanded? Benardello gave the right answer- tlley shouldn 't be-but he neglected to mention that the system by which they are funded and represented needs serious reform . Two ideas expounded upon at length in this issue- a student voucher system and the elimination oftlle VPMA- merit serious consideration ifpolitical extremism is to beeliminated from BU 's cultural organizations.

Why should the cultural unions remain as student funded organizations? Simply put. they provide important services to students and participate in charitable causes that enhance Binghamton University 's reputation in the surrounding community.

American culture has always been a composite of a multitude of others-the most successful example of such diversity in world history- and BU 's cultural organizations have played a major role in carrying on this tradition to help expose students to differing aspects of American and world cultures on campus.

Sadly, the great work of the many has been tarnished by the extfCInism and \villto-power of tlle few. BU 's cultural organizations are now best characterized by the behavior of their representative council, the Intercultural Awareness Commitlee (ICA). In recent months, the ICA has done nothing but create division between students- namely by distributing and publicizing the fake memorandum which "mysteriously" appeared in the VPMA's mailbox on March 5 (it is likely that some individuals in the leadership of the ICA are responsible for the production of The Memo as well). By giving credibility to the false docunlCnt while paradoxically remaining silent on the Million Man March trip last semester, the ICA clearly compromised any pretense of its role as an antiracist organization. In addition.

LASU president Jessica Flores and YPMA Yumeris Morel recently barred an

appointed Jewish Student Union ICA representative from attending a meeting, an action not an indicative of a group interested in promoting cultural diversity.

This political extremism must beeradicated if cultural unions are to win back their good reputations. The office of the VPMA has not in recent memory served any other purpose than to promote an e,tre.nist ideology of "multiculturalism. " The term may sound romantic, but as author Peter Collier notes , multiculturalism is two lies in one word- it's not multi and it's not cultural .

Indeed, the VPMA, who is elected by a maximum of twelve people. has adhered to a narrow-minded, singular political agenda intended in theory and practice to destroy the cultural mosaic of America.

Opening the office to democratic election by all students is a good idea, but this only creates ano ther government bureaucrat- we already have enough, thank you. Instcad, members of cultural unions should be encouraged to participate in campus-wide politics-there 's certain ly room for everybody. This would help marginalize the extremist politicians within the cultural unions and give the centrists and moderateswe know you 're out thcre--encouragement to step forward and lead. The best solution to the problem of the VPMA is to simply eliminate it entirely- it has no foundation in the SA constitution and other SA officers are already bound by Bylaws IY to protect the civil rights of all undergraduate students. Increased participation in mainstream politics by members of cultural unions will undoubtedly cement this commitment.

The second imponant reform is (he installment of the Student Activity Youcher System (SAYS) as proposed by Joe Hury in tllis issue of the Review. The premise is simple- allow students the power to allocate the student groups portion of their activity fee towards the organiza tions they wish. If this sounds a bit Darwinian to you. we ' re on the same wavelength. Groups who wish to

have significant levels of funding will have to gear their operations towards the mainstream or risk alienating students who will, in turn, be unlikely to send money in their direction.

For example, the Black Student Union received $17, 400 in ' 95- ' 96 and is slated to receive (he same amount of funding next year. This was not decided by any significant amount of students. but by SA president Doug Boettner 's eight political appointees to the budget committee. The BSU did many good things for students this year- things which went largely unnoticed and unreported-but the item that stands out was their sponsorship of a bus trip to Louis Fa rrakhan 's Million Man March.

This would likely not have happened if (he BSU had been dependent on and accountable to all students for fundingan organization would not risk alienating the vast majority of students by sponsoring a trip to an event organized to promote the political ideas of a racist. anti-Semitic bigot like Farrakhan.

Implementation of SAYS may make some people uncomfortable-those are probably the ones who have been engaging in e,1remist politics and have geared their organizations toward a vcry narrow segment of the student body. OUIers may argue (hat their organizations may wither and disappear without mandatory funding provided by the budget committee, but we doubt that good organizations wi ll fail under this system.

Want proof? Binghalllton Review, if provided funding by the SA. would havc one of (he ten largest budgets in the organization- over $7. 500 . Through grants. advertising, fund-raising and donations. we have managcd to stay healthy and active. We ' re sure other groups- augmented with SAYS funding-could do the same.

The cultural unions arc too important to fall victim to extremist politics. We believe the modest reforms proposed here will stop the backslide.

-Nathan L. IVurtzel for the staJ!

AI'IUL 1996

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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CAMPUS PRESSWATCH

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Cassandra Febmary 29, 1996

Coup de Tete March 1996

In the first incarnation oflhe GSO'srendilion oj The Daily Worker, presidenl Neda Hadjkhani makes an important point regarding th e other campus me-

Folks. pul down th e Review for a second and take a good look around. Look at Ihe lIIajorilyofthe poplliation in YOllr

dia, th ough we're distraught Ihal she seems to have left out Ihe publication with Ihe 1110s1 graduate students [Hint:

all aspecls ofyour life in their hands.?

We didn 1 think so ..

)ou 're reading it}..

"\fyour idea of democracy is writing a postcard to your representative (who promptly puts them in the circular file, or recycling bin, depending on environmental consciousness or proximity of the garbage can), or voting once a year in an election, you have some pretty poor conceptions of a true democracy. Democracy is a way of life where control of all aspects of life is in the hands of the majority of the population. Does Steve Forbes represent any majority that you can think of? Hell , the whole sea of elected officials is a sea of white guys from the upper classes ... "

vicinity, Do you want to put control of

')'he task for this GSa becomes the creation of a space where information can be exchanged among graduates toward a politics of resistance and hope where these and other perspectives can be made public. Unfortunately, the major news media on this campus have not been very helpful in this regard, As hard as they may have tried, both the Pipe Dream and the Student Advocate have failed to report responsibly, often misquoting graduate perspectives or printing hearsay information without the requisite research.,.

Asian Outlook March 1996

Pipe Dream March 22 , 1996 In a fine arlicle by Alia Nankoe, campus lefl-l,ving extremists reveal the con-

Redefining the term "sore loser. ., Crown

Pipe Dream March 19, 1996

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holdfor ordina~y sludents..

Concerned Ii ngllist Jake Miles fires the first shot in what has alrea(~v become a

Prj nee ofin coherence Aristotle Ngaseo

lorlllrtJus!y prolonged War of Perspec-

"Peter Morse, one of the organizers belchesforth a sloic defense ofhis buddies ' dislribulion fond aUlhorship?] of of yesterday's event [Ihe slUdeni walkThe Melllo .. oUI], thought the rally was a success. He said that March 21 is pan of a statewide "Recent discussions concerning a rac- day of action organized by the Citizens ist memo written on SA letterhead has Mobilization to Save New York.. .

"Some people who marched were not surprisingly (or e~l>Cctedly) negated the role of language, the way words are as- pleased that students who were in the signed meanings, and the relation of MiniMall did not join in. "' I was tmly disappointed that no one these meanings to history, current sociopolitical debates, and popular culture ... got up and joined the march when we "Thus, responses to the memo, along were in the MiniMall.' said Trish Polwith responses to other controversial lock, a junior majoring in psychology.

"Morse said she [sic] agreed with issues on ca mpus are symptomatic of a foundational refusal to confront racism, Pollock. ' It would be easy to join the gender bias, and homophobia: the ten- march, but they are too secure financially dency to personalize the faults of a con- and used to being in the center. Since tinui ng pasLand the discrediting of so- none of them would join, I took great cially tran sfo rmative mechanisms satisfaction in watching them look exthrough the invocation of 'democracy,' tremely uncomfortable. There is noth'freedom .' 'fairness '-and, with ajour- ing like being decentered. '" Ooh, nol in public, Peler /- Ed. nalistic sleight-of-hand, 'objectivity. '"

tives. Guess it was "his bad. .. .,

"You 've waited an hour for your friend to meet you in the library, He finally shows up, shakes his hcad, and uses a phrase you 've never heard before: ' My bad. ' You take a moment- he probably means something like 'sorry. I' m late,' but the new ex-pression makes your back bristle and you' re not sure why,., "You were th rilled at first that he was playing with the language- the more words we havc. the morc ideas we can e~-press-but some changes in language are born of apathy. You felt. understandably, offended-since it's a thoughtless, au tomatic statement that doesn 't commit to either an explanation or an apology, ' my bad ' in essence means '1 don 't care. ' With two words, your friend has insulted you, and we haven't even heard yet his excuse for being late."

FABLES A cheap smear backfires, but who was the culprit?

By Joshua Trapani

O

n March 5, 1996, SA Vice President for Multicultural Af fairs Yumeris Morel circulated copies of a memorandum to members of the Student Assembly-<me which was supposedly written by Academic Vice President Jeff Golant. AJllhree pages of Ihe memo were on SA letterhead. The firSI page contained Golant's name, the dale, and who Ihe memo was addressed Io-allhough Ihe laller part was blacked out. 11 staled, "You need 10 focus on Ihe recent Judicial Board decision concerning Ihe VPMA office. In addition, I will need Ihose endorsemenls thai we discussed earlier. Give me a callialer. I've enclosed somelhing for you. Make sure you dispose of lhis properly." The last Iwo pages oflhe memo, those thai caused allihe fuss, contained a "description" of how members of various cultural groups should be classified, including a fairly syslematic lisl of popular (and some ralher obscure) slereolypes of each of those groups as well as a greal deal of obscenity.

The memo had evidently been placed in Morel's mailbox by unknown individuals earlier thai day. The VPMA, along with SA Presidenl Doug Boellner, broughl Ihe memo 10 Public Safety and filed a report. They also gave Jaysin Slearns of the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Union permission 10 make copies 10 distribule at the Assembly meeting laler lhal day. Other people, including several Assembly representatives, had knowledge of Ihe memo and ils conlenl before Ihe

meeting. No 路one approached Golanl 10 confronl him wilh Ihe memo-he claims Ihe firsl lime he saw il was al Ihe Assembly meeting.

Almosl immedialely, queslions arose as 10 the aUlhorship oflhe memo. Golanl denies wriling il and a greal deal of evidence supports his claim. The "heading" on Ihe firsl page oflhe memo---containing "To :," "From :, " "Re:." and " Dale:"-does nol follow Ihe defaull heading Golanl has on his compuler and uses in his memos--of which Ihere arc many for comparison. The message on the firsl page is searcely Ihrec lines long, in contrasl wilh Golant's well-known verbosity. The memo ilself conlains numerous spelling, capitalization, punctuation, and word-misuse errors. The grammar and style of the memo is embarrassingly bad, in conlrasl 10 Golanl's usual wriling style (see page eighl), and il contains several key errors-for example, "Ihere" for "Iheir"-wllich Golanl does nol typically make in his writing.

A further area of doubl concerns Ihe person who was supposed 10 "receive" Ihe memo. The language of the firsl page and introductory part oflhe memo makes il clear Ihal Golanl is supposedly wriling 10 someone he is quite friendly wilh-someone in charge of a sludenl publication-as Ihe memo mentions including Ihe racisl commenls in "the nexl issue." This narrows Ihe inlended recipienl of Ihe memo down 10 Iwo or Ihrec individuals, Ihe mosl likely of whom is Nathan Wurtzel of Bingham/on Review,

a personal friend of Golant. This casts further doubl on Ihe aUlhorship of Ihe memo. Why would Golanl pul a submission on SA lellerhead? Why would he pul all Ihree pages on SA lellerhead?

Why wouldn 'l he give illo Wurtzel personally? Why would he submil somelhing 10 a paper knowing full well Ihal il would never be published?

The deadline for Ihe March issue of Ihe Review was February 28. Why would Golanl submil something 10 Ihe Review when Ihe due dale for submissions was long paSI? [n addition, Golanl was al Wurtzel 's house during part of Ihe layoul session on March 2 and 3, as were numerous olher people, and Golanl mentioned no submission 10 the paper al allnor had he and Wurtzel diseussed a submission for four monlhs.

A further question aboul Ihe memo concerns Ihe lime of its dislributionsmack in Ihe middle of SA elections, wilh Golanl running for a second lerm as AVP. Writing racisl memos during elections is nol smart campaign stralegy.

There are those who would argue Ihal all of Ihese things were done by Golanl on purpose 10 dissociale himself from the memo. This has no basis in reality. The memo, if legitimale, was obviously inlended as a submission 10 a publicalion.

11 was privale, from one person 10 anolher. However, Ihere was no requesl for anonymous publicalion-if Golanl \\ToIe Ihe memo, he wanled il published wilh his name auached. Simply pul, Golanl cannol be Ihe aulhor of Ihe memo.

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BINGHAMTON REVI EW

APRlL 1996

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COVER STORY

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The circus-that's the popular analogy-that normally occurs during Assembly meetings was even more wild than usual that night. A Public Safety officer was present at the meeting and the Executive Board decided to check every computer in the SA Office for suspicious-looking files which might give some clue as to where the memo originated. Marc Bloch, SA Elections Chair, was sent into the VPMA's office and was accompanied by a Public Safety officer.

Bloch asked Morel if he could search her computer, and she agreed. While scarching the "recycling bin"-a Windows ' 95 thing- on her computer.

Bloch found a file of about 2 Kb size which had been deleted earlier that day.

Bloch undeleted it and went to try to open a program to run it. Morel asked what he was doing. and when he explained. she asked him to leave his oflice. Chris Schwegel. a Student Advocate stalfer. went in to look at the filewith the Public Safety office still present.

When he left the office, he said it was a blank graphics file. This doesn't e"'Plain the 2 Kb of information inside. but there was no other information available. The file has since disappeared.

Later that night. an unknown individual sent a n e-mail message to a large distribution of BlNGSUNS users. The e-mail message. which was sent anony-

mously. said nothing of the memo but erroneously stated that the Academic Vice President launched a verbal tirade at the VPMA which was so fierce that he had to be restrained by Public Safety.

The letter also took a shot at SA presidential candidate Anthony J. Benardello and was clearly election propaganda, urging students to "vote accordingl y. " The next day, the administration released their own announcement condemning the racist language of the memo. The administration did notand has not since-released anything either blaming or exonerating Golant for his supposed authorship of the memo. Nor have they said anything about the legitimacy of the memo itself. They seem to have removed themselves from dealing with the supposed author and concentrated instead on the message. Unfortunately both of those issues arc important.

That evening. the Elections Committee met to try to deal with the situation.

Much of the meeting was spent in executive session discussing the memo and e-mail. The Committee was relalively helpless to deal with the situation-since the perpetrators were unknown- and the only official action they took was to ban all campaignbased e-mail.

The next day, an unchartered-and heretofore unknown-student group called "Students Against Crimes of Hate." in concert with the Intercultural Awareness Committee, began postering for a "rally against hate crimes" to be held that Friday. Due to the inclement weather, no one showed up, so the rally was held the next Monday instead. The rally drew about ISO students as well as wide attention from off-<:ampus media sources. A blow-up of the last two pages of the memo was present for everyone's perusal, and the memo was used as proof that " racism, homophobia, misogyny, and genocide" still exist on Binghamton University's campus.

"The author is not important, the message is" was scrawled on top of the enlarged copy ofthe memo. But the fact remains. the author is important. Finding the author is the most important part of the whole incident. That 's what this article will argue, and it's what the lead editorial in the Press and Sun Bul/elin argued several weeks ago when this thing first happened. Public Safety is still investigating, but they have not made any announcements on the matter in weeks.

This article may well be the last we will hear of the incident. Public Safety will investigate as thoroughly as the administration tells them to-but does the administration really want the author caught and exposed? If they were reaUy as interested in trying to fight racism- no matter where it comes from-as they claim to be, they would make all effort to locate the author.

VPMA Yumeris Morel's position exists for the sole purpose of fighting racism- why isn ' t she leading the charge for a more thorough investigation? Finding the author is important so racism can be weeded out by stopping it at its source.

The person or people responsible were obviously quite sloppy- surely trained law enforcement officials can shed some light on the matter. Here arc some leads they might follow: -Only photocopies of the memo have been seen. Where is the original? What

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APRIL 19%

••••••••••••••••••••••••• did Morel, Boettner and Stearns make copies of! Who put the memo in the VPMA's mailbox and where did they get it?

-Who is supposed to be the recipient of the memo? What is behind the black ink that covers the name? Has anyone made enlarged copies of the memo to see if they can spy any type behind the black ink?

Look closely-it doesn't seem as if anything is there. If there is a name there though, whose is it? Did that person ever get a memo from Jeff Golant?

-The author of the e-mail is not necessarily related to the memo, but it would be a good place to start. Who sent the e-mail? Sending anonymous and untraceable e-mail is easy. Rumors have circulated about being able to trace the message to one particular pod, or catching the perpetrator on surveillance cameras-the fact is, anyone can send email from " nobody@binghamton.edu."

I sent myself a message from that fallacious address, just to sec if it could be done. And the mail seems to be untraceable. The key is the distribution list.

How did anyone get such a large list of SUNS users? Whoever sent the mail has access to this restricted list.

This whole memo incident should leave a bad taste in our collective mouth

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

COVER STORY here at Binghamton. The language of the memo was offensive, to say the least.

But an interesting observation many have made-behind closed doors, of course- is that the memo lacks feeling. It seems a horrible thing to say, but one would suppose that if whoever wrote the memo actually believes the awful stuff they said, they might have been just a bit more forceful in saying it. Instead, the memo is simply a systematic list of tasteless stereotypes, laid out one by one in bland sequence, with no emotion or conviction be·hind it. It is weak and forced-probably written by someone who didn't believe a word they were saying.

And thank goodness for that. No one's going to argue tbat racism doesn't exist, but how common is racism plus the fourth-grade level sophistication and "humor" the writer(s) of the memo possess? Yikes. Some people might argue that if the author of the memo is ever caught, they should be required to undergo mandatory sensitivity training.

Fine with me. But I'd argue that they should be forced to undergo elementary school English first.

So who really wrote the thing, and why?

There is not enough public evidence ~

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• ••••••••••••• ••••••••••• to convincingly accuse anyone. But consider the race-baiters on our campus.

There are people here who genuinely think that all straight white males must believe everything in that memo. Talk about ignorant! Some of those same people have made their hatred for Jeff Golant quite public. Some of those same people threatened him with an impeachment resolution scarcely a week before the memo was "discovered." Some of those same people hid computer files.

And some of those same people haven 't pushed for the administration to investigate this horrible incident. as one would expect.

Can we accuse? No. Can we even hint? Well ...

We can say this: if those people-the ones who supposedly spend all their time fighting the bias and hatred and racism of others--<reated this sort of garbage to further their own cause, they are not only worse than the racists they try to find and condemn, but probably the biggest hypocrites walking the face of Planet Earth, too.

I'll be waiting for Public Safety 's final say on the matter. How about you?

Joshua Trapani is a senior majoring in geology

"It Was Nothing More Than A Sick Political Game" The SA Academic Vice President speaks out at length for the first time on the memoradum

By Jeff Golant

R

ecently our campus has been dis rupted by a tidal wave of contro ersy and tension stemming from a memorandum which contained horrifying racist, homophobic and sexist slurs. As every responsible media organization on campus and in the surrounding community has made clear, this memorandum is a forgery. Since my name was attached to this disgusting piece, I am especially concerned about the malicious intent behind the writing, frenzied distribution and persistent attempts to make political capital out ofthis abhorrent work.

Many, including those at the highest levels of the University administration, have been wondering who would write such a thing and why. Unfortunately, we may never know the true identity of the author. Whoever did write it not only lacked the courage to attach their own name. but was so cowardly that they made a blundering attempt to push their odious ideas off on someone else.

Although it is difficult to answer the question of just who wrote it, the question of why it was written is incredibly simple. This piece was written with several goals in mind. These goals include discrediting and harassing me as an individual, assaulting my views concerning campus issues such as the diversity requirement and also affecting the outcome of my now successful bid to be reelected to the position of Student Ass0ciation Academic Vice President. It also appears that once it became clear that these goals would not be reached, those who were engaging in this vicious smear campaign redirected their energies into

a feeble attempt to prove that there was to a five-minute recess in the Student Asin fact a need for the SA to have a Vice sembly. The members of the Executive President for "Multicultural Affairs."

Board, as well as Yumeris, went into the Nevertheless, there is a lot more to this conference room to discuss the developentire incident than first meets the eye. ing crisis. During the course of the meetOn Friday March I, 1996--a>incidentally ing Yumeris defended her actions by exthe date attributed to the forged memo- plaining that she felt her "constituency" randum, SA President Doug Boettner and the "elected representatives" on the asked me to come into his office, ostensi- SA needed to be "aware." Doug Boettner bly to discuss a mutually agreeable time acknowledged that he did in fact have for an executive board meeting. Upon en- knowledge of the existence of the memotering his office, I noticed that Yumeris randum before 3 :30 PM that afternoonMorel, SA VPMA, was also present. Af- he later changed his story-and that he ter forty-five seconds of discussing a con- was aware that Yumerls was planning to venient meeting time, Doug infonned me distribute it to the SA When I asked him that "Yumeris has a concern." Yumeris why he did not speak to me about the then explained that she was vel)' unhappy memorandum, he responded "you were with some position I had expressed ear- busy." Boettner also claimed he took it lier in the week at the Harpur College directly to ULED because he was conCouncil. I told her that I was sollY she did cerned about the fact that it was on SA not share my views. She responded by say- letterhead However, he did not arrive at ing that if I didn't "shut up" she was go- ULED until 6: 10 PM, approximately half ing to have me removed from my posi- an hour before multiple copies of the tion. I told her that I had no intention of memorandum were distributed to the Stunot expressing my views when and where dent Assembly.

We then returned to the Student AsI felt it was appropriate and that I did not think that she had the slightest chance of sembly meeting and at the close of that removing me. Shortly after that I learned meeting held another executive board that Yumeris, with Doug's assistance, had meeting. Upon leaving the SA conference attempted to enter an impeachment res0- room I was verbally harassed and threatlution against me but were unable to do ened by a member of the Student Assemso by the next Student Assembly meeting bly who had been waiting outside the door. Because of such harassment and on because they had missed the deadline.

On Tuesday, March 5, I attended the the advice of Vice President for Student Student Assembly meeting. During her Affilirs Rodger Summers, I have yet to weeIdy report Ywneris spoke briefly about return to my apartment.

The next day, March 6, University her alleged "discovery" of the now infamous memorandum. She and Jaysin President Lois DeFleur released a press Sterns oftheLGBU then proceeded to pass statement outlining what she perceived out copies to the entire Student Assembly. to be the fact that the piece in question The commotion which followed lead had been found in Yumeris Morel's mail

APRIL 1996

••••••• ••• ••••••••••••••• box. Given Morel 's highly suspicious conduct and the fact that there was a great deal of question about the veracity of Morel 's claim, it was extremely inappropriate for DeFleur to state this as fact. In doing so, she failed to remain neutral in the dispute.

The following Monday, the lC A, lead

by Yumeris Morel, organized a rally in which a blown-up copy of tile memorandum was displayed and many copies were distributed throughout campus . T he speakers at the raily included many who made statements to the crowd urging them to "remember that tllere arc people who think like this when you go vote." One bystander even claims to have seen one of tile rally's organizers write my namewhich had been blacked out--Qn the blown-up copy of the memorandum.

The Division of Student Affairs had also offered several "counseling sessions" for those who were shocked and offended by the language of the memorandum. I

GOLANT SPEAKS attended one such session and was not surprised to see tlwt the only people in attendance were approximately six individuals who are heads of lCA groups, and who had been extremely active in the distribution of the memorandum. It seems that if they were truly so offended by tile wo rds on that paper that they needed counseling, they would not have spent so much time and energy making sure that everyone on campus saw the memo and therefore experience a similar emotional wound. Unless, of course, it were all part of a sick political ganle.

My attention and energies have recently been channeled completely into my successful campaign for reelection.

Until the recent inexplicable conduct by the SA ludicial Board, that seemed to be settled-now it is again in question.

However, I have begun to actively pursue some members ofthe University Ad-

ministration about the harassment which has victimized me and my friends as a

BIN GHAMTON R EVIEW

result of this issue. Other then being repeatedly urged to just hang in there and let it die down, I have also learned that Rodger Summers, Lloyd Howe and David Anderson have interposed themselves between Public Safety and ludicial Affairs so that any reports from Public Safety will first go throu gh their offices before they ever get to Steve Nelson at ludicial Affairs. According to Nelson, this is supposed to allow the senior administration to " mediate" any conflicts.

1 will continue to investigate this incident on my own, since the University is apparently not willing to clear my name.

1 also would like to tllank the more tllan 1300 students who refused to believe this outrage and gave me a landslide victory for a second term last month.

JejJGo /anl is ajunior majoring in politica/ science and is the SA academic vice president

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Nobody P6ked Me, But...

An irreverent, relevant collection ofinside information, thoughts and analysis on recent SA events

By Nathan L. Wurtzel

N

ot unlike a recurrent case of hemorrhoids. the Student As sociation E-Board elections refuse to go away. On Wednesday, March 27. the SA Judicial Board invalidated the results due to inconsistencies between the tally sheets where the votes were scored and the spreadsheets where the results were reported. Many take this as a sign that the elections need to be run again, but common sense dictates a simple recount of the votes, preferably by an unrelated, outside agency. After alt the elections procedure itselfwas not found invalid by the J-Board, so why do them over?

The obvious answer to that question lies in the fact that the many of the candidates favored by the eX1remist Intercultural Awareness Committee were soundly defeated in this year's election. Only Jessica Flores. president of LASU and candidate for SA president. remains in the hunt as she faces a future runoff election against Anthony 1. BenardeUo. Flores only captured 33% of the vote against two opponents in March, which means she actually fared worse than extremist candidates Felipe Ayala (38% in the VPUP election) and Aristotle Ngaseo (400/0 in the AVP election). This is a significant difference from last year when Nicole Johnson and Katrina Huffman. both from the ex1reme margins of campus politics, nearly scored upset ,"ins. Clearly, there is a preference for respectable, centrist politicians on campus-a preference which is not dependent on how many times the SA elections are run or on how many J-Board members are currently in bed with the ICA. More importantly. a member of the

elections committee, speaking on the condition ofanonymity. told me that the CODlmittee flatly refuses to run the elections again. Thus the J-Board decision, if interpreted as a revote rather than a recount, could cripple the already flagging SA for an indefinite amount of time.

•••••

T:

and with elections on other campuses.

Perhaps this is a sign that students are growing suspiciously aware of the partisan nature of these lobbying groups and are accordingly rejecting their system of forced funding. During the course of conversation, a member ofNYPIRG told me she was surprised by the result of the referendum, given the fact that SASU I USSA had run a well-executed and expensive campaign for passage.

0UghtheexactnumberSarein question. the March elections showed some interesting trends which deserve commentary. As menthe heels of an impressive re tioned previously. extremist candidates backed by the ICA showed a definite lection victory-a 66 point decline in popularity. Ayala and Ngaseo, win over well-known write-in for example, were shut out everywhere challenger Nicole Johnson-8A Finanon and off campus except for Dickinson cial Vice President Erik Kopelman faced Community (BU's answer to Massachu- a surprise impeachment resolutionsetts). Centrist AVP candidate Jeff later changed to a request for a repriGolant scored impressive wins against mand-from an old political opponent.

Ngaseo in the other three campus com- Jen Toth, Hillside representative to the munities, including an astounding 7~1o SA, authored the resolution calling for of the vote in Newing. Conservative I Kopelman's head ostensibly because he libertarian presidential candidate An- had loaned BTV $25,000 (the actual thony 1. BenardeIlo, despite never hav- amount was $30.000) last fall so the oring lived on campus, still managed a ganization could replace their failing clear-cut victory in College-in-the- cameras. In reality~ Toth, an employee Woods and a close second in Hinman. of Off Campus College Transport, bears Even in the largely non-political office a grudge against Kopelman due to his ofBU Council representative, moderate role in the blue bus controversy of last candidates Austin Graff and Jeff Weisel summer. Though opinions on the resograbbed more than two-thirds of the vote lution of that conflict vary, the BTV loan itselfwas entirely acceptable at the time on their way to a runoff showdown.

Another interesting result occurred in because there was no sitting Student Asthe SASU I USSA referendum, which sembly due to problems within the elecasked for an increase in student fees. tions committee.

When I talked with Kopelman, he exAlthough the two questions did pass by margins of seventeen and nineteen per- pressed his disappointment with Toth cent respectively, this result is atypically and the resolution's four sponsors. saynarrow in contrast with past elections ing the situation could have been settled

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APRIL 1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• easily if they had come to speak with him during his office hours. Kopelma n further derided Toth 's contention that the Assembly see each spending voucher as it comes in, noting that it takes several hours each week for SA Treasurer Stephanie Shapiro and himself to go through them. After sitting in on an afternoon of watching Stephanie go through a mountain of vouchers. 1 have to agree with Kopelman- perhaps Toth should try working in the FVP's office for a few weeks before attempting to transfer unnecessary hands-on financial authority to the Assembly.

A particularly odious aspect of the Toth-Kopelman situation was SA President Doug Boettner 's role. Boettner. as reported in Pipe Drr!alll and as confirmed by several independent sources, misrepresented himself to an SA employee in order to gain information about the loan- information which he could have gained in his official capacity as president. By resorting to such lowbrow tactics, Boettner confirmed suspicions that he is the driving force behind the petty conflicts which have destroyed the SA this year. For her part, the SA employee said she fe lt used a nd degraded by Boettner. When she asked me what 1 thought was wrong with Boettner-I am frequently asked this type of question due to my affiliation with the Department of Psychology, although I am not professionally qualified to answer it- I told her Doug was behaving normally- for a sleazy. backstabbing politician. that is. ,.. >I< >I< ,., >I<

B

ehind. the scenes. word has it that everybo dy. including Public Safety and the administration. knows The Memo was not only a political smear. bUl an outright fake . In other words, responsible sources believe that The Memo was not written by a bigot. but rather by an individual or a group who desperately wants to prove that racism. sexism and homophobia are rampant on campus. These are probably people. I might add. whose positions of power or whose purpose on campus de-

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pend on a presupposition of a climate rife people who claim to decry racism. may with racial tension. The Memo served no God have mercy on their souls. better purpose-since it had no noticeable effect on Jeff Golant's reelection bid-than to foment racial division.

An "in-house" forgery of this sort is everal weeks ago. Review staffer not unknown to the college campus.

Juliet Shields and I went to an ICA Tony Mecia of the Collegiate Network meeting in an attempt to get an told me of an incident at Duke in the inside look at the committee and perhaps early '90's where anti-Black chalkings even attempt to mitigate some oftlle hoson campus sidewalks provoked racial tility between tlle lCA and the rest ofthe strife. Although it was known carlyon student body. This was not to be. mainly that Black youths from Durham were because a visibly nervous and hostile responsible. campus activists used the VPMA Yumeris Morel decided to cancel occasion to their advantage. More re- the meeting upon seeing our presence. cently, Dionne Daisey. a Black student Morel also attempted to close the at the University of Delaware. admitted meeting and go into "executi\'e sesthat she fabricated seven racial bias sion" - a term which she misuses about crimes during the fa ll 1995 semester in as often as Bob Packwood misuses order to further her cause (admittedly. a women. For the record. student groups noble one) of removing Confederate can only go into executive session when flags from campus. Also. in her book they are discussing the hiring or firing The I'v/orning Ajier, feminist Katie of specific personnel. Students can and Roiphe reports that women at several should attend ICA meetings-at the universities have falsified reports of most. it will be intellectually construcsexual harassment and rape at Take tive and at thc least. you'll annoy Yumcris. Trust mc. it 's fun .

Back the Night marches.

Most notably. such an occurrence may have happened at BU . It is now widely Nathan L. JJilrtzel will not he the edibelieved that swastikas drawn on the tor-in-chie/o/ the RC\'iew after next offices of the Jewish Student Union sev- lIIonth. He is than kjill jor thai e ral years ago were placed there by the then-president of the JSU. Although no conclusive proof of thi s was ever found. campus authorities say they do not believe that incident was a true bias crime. My feeling is that history will record The Memo similarly, but if conclusive evidence turns up condemning those who are supposed to be figh ting racism and the like. we must pressure Public Safety and the administration to take decisive action. If the per- "We have a scheme"-Yumcris Morel and Jessica petrators of this outFlores confer at an SA meeting rage arc the same

S

SAVS The Student Activity Voucher System A bold, brilliant plan for fair disbursement ofactivity fees

By Joseph P. Hury

V

irtually all students on this cam pus are involved. in some way

or another. with Student Association chartered groups. There is hardly a person who hasn't partaken in activities sponsored by these organizations.

When someone goes to a Crosby's concert, watches an SA sponsored film, partakes in a cultural event or attends an academic association's meeting, he or she is doing so under the umbrella of support provided to those organizations by the Student Association. These e\'ents enrich the college experience and provide students with the ability to meet other students who share their interests. or \lith whom they find common ground. And since students are rarely. if ever, requested to pay dues to these organizations to which they belong. much of what goes on appears under the guise of being free. However. this is not the case.

Most of the money that student organizations use to fund their operations comes from the mammoth $1.051.402 SA budget (FY '96-'97), the backbone of which is the mandatory $62.50 ($1251 year) student activity fee which all students are required to pay each semester in addition to their tuition. The budget is comprised of a number of different components, some constitutionally mandated~ others contractual, and lastly. those clements which are up to the discretion of the budget committee.

Each year the president of the Student Association is constitutionally mandated to prepare a budget for the following year. Once revenues have been calculate~ based on the number of part-time and full-time students expected. multiplied by the values oftheir

respective student activity fees, the amounts of money allocated to the different components of the budget can be decided. Deductions are then made from total revenues for the contractual and constitutionally mandated elements. In the current budget proposal for FY â&#x20AC;˘96-' 97. convocations, NYPIRG, USSA, deficit coverage. capital replacements, support servicesl accounting, lawyers. insurance, and auditors garner approximately 25% of the budget or $258.967.65. Interest income is then added and funds are allocated to the Student Assembly ($4,500). capital projects ($1,000), and club sports ($52,000). Out of the remaining pool of funds ($739,934.85), 25% is allocated to the College Reserve ($184,983.72). which goes to fund the governments of the residential communities and $10.000 is removed for discretionary spending to be allocated by the SA Finance Committee on an asneeded basis throughout the year. The remaining sum of money, referred to in the budget as group allocations ($544,951.13) is then doled out by the SA Budget Committee to those SA chartered groups which have submitted requests for budgets.

Thus the largest part of the SA budget process begins. In this stage groups appear before a nine-member panel, which includes the Financial Vice President and eight other members chosen by the SA president. The Budget Committee splits up into three person subsections and then hears presentations of representatives. usually treasurers, of the SA chartered groups who have submitted budget requests. They ask questions of the presenters and take

notes. Once the presentations are completed the budget committee reassembles and discusses what they have heard. Members make proposals as to what level of funding each group should receive, which are then voted on from the highest to the lowest dollar amounts. Once the funding level for each group has been determined a preliminary budget is assembled and groups are notified of the results. Each group then has the right to come before the budget committee to appeal the decisions. This time the entire committee hears the appeals and decides together whether or not to grant them.

Money for appeals is held back during the initial ~ound of the budget process and once it is expended additional appeals must be granted by decreasing funding already allocated for other organizations. At this point~ the completed budget is turned over to the SA president who then can make alterations to it as he sees fit and accept or reject any of its provisions. He then hands it over to the Assembly. which has the power to approve it.

While this process appears to function smoothly and is completely done by students, it remains to the large majority of the student body a closed and ultimately arcane process. It is a troubling system in that it is so far removed from students. As it stands, the SA president holds a tremendous sway on the formulation of the budget, being able to appoint all the members of the committee, save one, and then having the arbitrary power to modify it according to his whims. By the time it reaches the Student Assembly nearly all the work has been completed and all that

APRn.1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• is left to be done are any minor revisions the Assembly chooses to make.

Approval for almost the entire budget is nearly certain.

When asked about his views on the current budget process, and whether he felt it was sufficiently open to the student body, two-time budget committee member Elliot Kalker responded: "Not at all." Indeed, he felt that "a lot of the budget committee members, because they are so involved with other on campus groups, already enter into the committee with predetermined notions of what they want to get out of the committee and the results that they want to see. For small groups, maybe their presentation will increase their funding, but a lot of what's going to happen is already determined in everyone's mind beforehand" Often, officers of organizations even manage to serve on the committee.

The entire process has ·also settled into what Financial Vice President Erik Kopelman called a "vicious cycle," (Pipe Dream-March 19, 1996) in which groups settle into a rut where new budgets always tend to reflect old budgets, leaving little chance for new and popular organizations to break out and receive funding proportionate to their presence.

Furthermore, under the current budget process, students routinely see their money being spent on organizations which they cannot, for either religious or personal reasons, support. And while the budget allocations of the mandatory student activity to different groups are not illegal, they are to an extent unethical in that they force individuals to be a party to actions their consciences tell them are inappropriate. For instance, pro-life students may not feel that their funds ought to be used to support the Pro-Choice Coalition.

And were there a pro-life coalition on campus, it is undoubted that there would be objections to its forced funding.

It is obvious that there are problems with the current system which need to be remedied. Thus it is time to consider

VOUCHER SYSTEM a possible moderate approach to reforming the activity feelbudget process, which will open it up to students and provide them with greater choice in allocating their funds. Essentially, it is time to switch over from a closed budget committee process, to an open Student Activity Voucher System.

Under such a system there would no longer be a need for the budget process as it currently stands. Some elements would be maintained, but others must change. Since the ac~vity fee must remain mandatory, and would still comprise the major source of funding for SA operations, the SA president would still have to provide a budget to deal with the components that are either contractually or constitutionally mandated. Thus, the budget process as it currently stands, from figuring out revenues to arriving at the sum for group allocations, would not be modified.

The change in the system woulcl however, affect the process from that point onwards. Under the new system, instead of having an arbitrarily chosen budget committee sit down and dole out funds, students would receive a voucher which they could put, in any combination they want, funding towards any organizations they choose. The amount of the voucher would be calculated by taking the available money in the group allocations pool and dividing it by the number of expected students (approx. $29.25 for this semester if it were in effect). Just as students must currently pay their activity fee when they pay their tuition, under the new system they

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

13

••••••••••••••••••••••••• would also have to fill out their voucher at the same time. To ensure that all students receive their Student Activity Vouchers, fill them out and return them, they would be contained in the same packet as the student's tuition bill. On the form would be an explanation of the voucher, a list of organizations for which it could be used, and next to each group's name would be a line where students could specify exactly how much they want to allocate to that organization. Furthermore, just as tuition is not considered complete without payment of the activity fee, nor would it be considered complete without completion of the voucher.

Certain other things would also have to be done in order for this new system to function. First, groups which serve the campus as service providers, meaning that they provide some form of service to the undifferentiated students of the campus without regards to any membership characteristics, would have to be removed from the group allocations account where they currently reside and be budgeted separately. Thus they would be budgeted along with the contractually and constitutionally mandated elements of the budget. Such groups would include Print Shop, Cold Copy, Harpur 's Ferry, High Hopes, Pipe Dream, University Programming Board, WHRW Binghamton, Student Association Office, Off Campus College Transport, Binghamton Television and Choices.

Second, there would have to be a transition period during which organi-

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APRn. 1996

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

•••••••••••••••••••••••• zations could get used to the new system. In order to facilitate the transition, the discretionary account will be doubled during the transition period so that if groups find themselves initially short on revenue. the Finance Committee would be able to help them make up some of the shortfall. Also, under the new system, groups would be allowed to automatically roll over their excess funds at year end into the subsequent year 's budget, unlike in the current system where they must request permission to do so.

This would help organizations by allowing them to build up a financial base over time so that they would have a minimum level of funding. This is totally justified, since students have already designated that those funds be earmarked for the particular group.

And thirdly, if the actual amount of student activity fees received exceeds the amount of money dispensed in the form of vouchers, then the difference would simply be added to the Finance Committee's discretionary fund.

The Student Activity Voucher System would have numerous benefits for the student body. Initially it would open up the entire budgetary process and allow students much more freedom of choice concerning what organizations they would like to fund. This system would

VOUCHER SYSTEM

••••••••••••••••••••••••

not be arbitrary, it would be definite and would produce the exact results that students seek. It would allow students to determine their own interests and to fund them, just as they do with off-<:ampus groups that require membership dues. The voucher system would also give students greater control over their money by introducing market forces into the funding process. Because student groups would exist solely by the wishes of students, organizations would have to continuously improve their planning and events schedules and also work harder to find out what both their membership and the student body as a whole expects of them. It would allow for new and popular organizations to arise if students valued them, thereby breaking the current year-to-year budgetary stagnation cycle.

Vouchers would also increase student involvement in SA chartered groups since students would be able to identiry a much stronger linkage between their money and their groups. Also. the new system would bring about greater inclusiveness and a sense of togetherness between students and organizations that currently have nothing to do ,vith each other. Currently, groups can act in a totally insular fashion . They can take their funds, close their doors and pan-

der solely to their own limited membership lists. However. under a Student Activity Voucher System, student organizations would have to consider their overall visibility on campus and would have to attempt to reach out to new individuals and to bring new members into their fold.

When questioned about s,vitching to a Student Activity Voucher System, SA Financial Vice President Erik Kopelman stated, "The idea is interesting ... I would agree that the concept is there [and) that it is more democratic [than the current system) ." According to Jeffrey Rosenberg, President of the Jewish Student Union, one of the largest SA chartered student groups on campus, "Overall [the Student Activity Voucher System J sounds like a very good system to be implemented... People are generally informed about what's going on on campus and will know what they' re interested in and what they want their money to go for. And I guess, really in lieu of a membership fee, this is the best way to determine who's interested in what and what should get funded ... rather than by letting the arbitTary commission that is now set up decide."

Joseph P. Hury is ajunior majoring in accounting

Seniors!

Stop by the Pegasus office and buy your senior yearbook!

UU-164 $50 cash or check

By Paul Torres

T

he Student Association government has been plagued for too long by the issue of the office of the Vice President for Multicultural Affairs (VPMA). But the "office" of the VPMA is actually a nonissue.. The office itself and the issue of this "office" is perpetuated by political supporters of the VPMA who share a politic8l bard-line agenda in maintaining " tb"is unethical and possibly illegal infiingement upon路 students' rights.

Foremost is the undeniable fact that the VPMA does not exist in any way, shape or form in the SA Constitution.

Nor is this "office" an ex-officio member ofthe Executive Board of the SA, unlike the Vice President for University Programming (VPUP). The VPUP is established"as an ex-officio member of the Executive Board under Bylaws V, as stated, "This person will be elected by the 路undergraduate student body in a campus wide election as an ex-officio member of the SA Executive Board."

Meanwhile, Bylaws IV, entitled "Affirmative Action Guidelines and Inter-Cultural Awareness Committee" nowhere states anything to this effect in regards to the "office" of the VPMA The VPup, while not in the SA Constitution, is at least an established office and is elected popularly.

It is the fact that the office of the VPMA is not popularly elected, in conjunction with and compounded by the fact that this "office" does not rightfully exist, that is the source of opposition and objection to the VPMA Political grounds for objection to the office of the VPMA are also a source of contention. The political agenda of the proponents of the VPMA, the politics behind the nature of the VPMA itself and the extremism and lengths to which these proponents and supporters are willing. to go to are all summarily embodied in the "office" of

the VPMA itself.

To add insult to injury, the office of the VPMA is funded by student activity fee money, in the form of a stipend and an operating budget, which is collected from every individual student on this campus. The phrase "no taxation without representation" 路as applied to our government comes to mind-but more important is the fact that this situation persists in the SA over the repeated objections and opposition to this extremely unethical state of affairs. The administration is quite aware of the nature of this office and is implicitly condoning and approving of this behavior as well. Both the SA and the administration are responsible for this outrageous breach of students' rights.

They apparently have never contemplated the possibilities for potential liability of their actions that may result pursuant to such legislation as Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, or pursuant to legal precedent concerning mandatory student activity fees.

Despite all these facts, there has not been so much as even hesitation in support for the VPMA. Efforts earlier this year to instate the VPMA as a legitimate office in the SA Constitution by means of referendum failed through a grievance flIed with the SA J-Board The referendum aimed to instate the office of the VPMA as a non-popularly elected office selected by the InterCultural Awareness Committee. The grievance's main tenet and point of contention regarded the SA Constitution's Article II, entitled "Rights of Membership. ,. Being that "all registered undergraduates at the State University of New York at Binghamton are members of the Student Association," certain rights of membership are established under Section 2, "All members may participate

in the elections of the Association and no rights shall be abridged. .. Equality of rights shall not be denied or abridged by the Association on account of race, creed, religion or sex."

The referendum for the instatem~nt of the VPMA obviously conflicts with these rights and perhaps the rights of students as individuals above and beyond our SA Constitution.路 Following this defeat of the referendum, the "office" of the VPMA has yet to act accordingly. One would think the defeat of the referendum clearly signals the illegitimacy of the "office." The "office" in its current, de facto status was selected by the ICA in a manner which was deemed unconstitutional by the J-Board and as described in the defeated referendum.

Ignoring this appears to be the course of action chosen by the VPMA and its supporters, none of whom even cared if the referendum failed, but only hoped to advance their position through an attempt to gain recognition and legitimacy.

Claims made to dissuade the notion that the lack of a popular election does not mean the VPMA does not represent all students have been made by way of statements that the ICA actually represents a large portion of our campus student population. Estimates of ICA representation have often placed at over fifty percent, and are simply false or stretching the truth, at best. Enlisting the Women's Center, the ICA undoubtedly claims fifty percent of the campus right off the bat, and claims additional representation for each the remaining ICA organizations. It is doubtful that merely due to the fact that the Women's Center is so entitled, all women are represented by this organization. More importantly, it is wrong to assume that all women are in

16

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

VPMA OUTRAGE

agreement with the Women's Center with regard to such matters of political nature. The same applies to all other leA groups when anyone of them should claim to represent what in reality are only possible members or likely members of their organization beyond their actual membership. In reality these organizations can not claim any more membership and representation than that of their willing, active and current membership. This in itself is an attempt to perpetuate stereotypes to the effect that all women or Latin Americans, or whichever ethnic or racial group is considered, agree with these organizations on political matters in conjunction with the fact that these groups also maintain certain firm and singular political viewpoints and stances.

Given that claims have been made that over fifty percent or even all students are represented by the leA, two questions immediately come to mind The first is that if the leA indeed represents over fifty percent' of the student population, is there then any justification for taking away the right to vote from the few, whether they be forty, thirty, twenty-five or even ten percent of the population? The answer is that such infringement upon anyone's rights is unacceptable. The right to vote is accorded to all individuals, and is necessary and vital for a free democracy.

The condoned infringement upon any number ·of students' right to vote essentially sets a precedent and opens the door to taking away the right to vote from anybody, by w~oever is in a

position to do so.

Second, if the leA truly represents all students then what purpose does it serve?

What difference will it make if the VPMA is popularly elected versus the VPMA being selected by the leA? Since all students are represented by the leA, it is more logical, more practical, more efficient and directly representative if the VPMA were to be popularly elected.

Unfortunately, the story behind the VPMA does not end here. In order to shed light upon the nature and mentality of the VPMA and its supporters, students should be aware of an incident that occurred the night of March 12th, following an Assembly meeting. After the Assembly meeting, an Executive Board meeting was held behind closed doors, during which the Executive Board voted to remove the VPMA from the meeting.

Apparently this sparked an outrage amongst many of the supporters of the VPMA. Only minutes later, the VPMA, Yumeris Morel, reentered the room with a rather large group of supporters from several leA groups. What followed was essentially pure and simple political muscle flexing by the VPMA. Several statements were made that show just how divisive these leA groups can be.

The VPMA herself stated, "The reason I needed to do this [her reentering with a large group], [is] that although some might think that my position should not be there, my position still is here, and I am going to ensure that underrepresented students get heard and that is what I am here

••••••••••••••••••••••••

Are you paying downstate rates instead of local rates?

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Edward M. Valdes Account Agent

APRn.1996

• ••••••••••••••••••••••• about, this is not a personal thing.

Whatever problems Jeff might have with me, I'm sorry that needs to be totally disregarded [emphasis added], and you guys are student elected officials, you need to take that into account...l'm willing to say that there are people questioning the validity of my position... although some people may feel like that, I still have my office in there, I still have the right to sit here, and make sure that our voice is heard" Jessica Flores of LASU, a candidate for SA president, felt that "As presideni ofLASU, my constituency exists, and is going to exist, and is going to increase, by the way.. .1 think I speak for my EBoard, I am personally offended, every member of my organization is offended, that you two elected offiCials [addressing Dave Seigel and Erik Kopelman] decided that I should not have a voice. my constituency should not have a voice. and baSically E-Board business would be autonomous amongst people who I don t think represent me or my constituency, the only position that represents me directly is Yumeris, so I think she should be in any Executive Board Meeting, and every Executive Board Meeting [emphasis added]." Dave Siegel responded to these rather insulting and insinuating remarks by commenting that "I hope that's not true ... 1 hope I represent everyone. Ifjust because Yumeris goes you felt you weren't being represented, then I feel

sorry."

In the light of all these facts, the office of the VPMA embodies a certain set of political and ideological goals, extremist support for these goals best described as holding "By any means necessary" as its motto, lax enforcement of the SA Constitution, violation of the SA Constitution for political ends, and infringement upon students' rights as individuals. The fact is that all government positions that hold power should and must be held accountable through popular election.

1903 Vestal Parkway East, Vestal, NY 13850

786-8000

Paul Torres is a freshman who has not yet decided on a major

The hong Road to ireedom A moving tale of one courageous woman s flight from terror ill Europe to peace ill America

By Henny Silllon

W:

c were in prison in Koronowo.

Poland. and my close friend Pulli and I. along with approximately one hundred other women. were liberated on January 29. 1945. We were free, but what now? PuUi and I were alone in a roreign country and could not speak the language. We had befriended three Jewish g irl s from Latvia who left the prison with us. One Russian soldier helped us to find a place to stay. The three girls spoke Russian. and obviously became our interpreters. for Putti and I spoke only German.

We ended up on a farm . We met a Russian Jewish officer and when he heard that we were Jews he started to cry. He told us that we were the first Jews he liberated that were still alive. He ordered his men to bring food for us which the farmers had to prepare.

We were served at a real table with a table cloth. That night we slept in beds with white s heets. It was the beginning of being humanized again.

The next day. the officer suggested we should move away from the front lines because. in a war anything could happen. We walked to the ne ~1 cit}.

Bromberg (Bydg osz). where we found an apartment which had been abandoned by Germans. Now we had foodandbcds l Naturally. we started cooking and eating.

One evening. we were just sitting around when the door opened and two soldiers burst in . One was drunk, I mean reallydnmk! I was sitting on one bed and the other girls were silting on the other one. As I said before. Pulli and I only spoke German. When the drunk heard the two of us speak. he cocked his rifle

None of us had any idea what was going on.

We marched out of the city and finally ended up in a farm house. There were neither "ire nor guards around. We were supposed to work. We five girls decided. if possible. that we would not stay. In the afternoon. the three Russian speaking girls walked back to Bromberg to find "our" omcer. Pulli and I waited until the next morning, hoping somebody would come and rescue us. but nobody came. We decided we had enough.

After all of those years we had sulfered. we were not going to be slaves again.

Wejust walked away, went to a train station. and boarded a train.

sleep in our

apartment to

watch over us.

A week or two passed when a man from the Polish gendarllleri e. riOe slung over his shoulder. knocked on the door and asked the five of us to follow him. He took us to a square where we encountered a lot of other people. We then were all ordered to line up and follow him. Well. he had a gun. so we followed .

18

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

FREEDOM

••• ••• •••••••••••••••••• the train which had not left yet. You can .imagine how relieved we were.

When we fina lly arrived in Warsaw, all we saw were bombed-out and burnedout buildings. Refugees we met told us to walk about 10 km to a suburb named Praha. Supposedly there was a Jewish organization there which would give us food and a place to stay overnight. We did go there, ate and spent the night.

In the morning we continued our odyssey. destination Lodz where there was another Jewish committee. We received some food and were talking to the people who had gathered there when a Jewish lady who had fought with the partisans came over and asked whether there was anybody who could sew. My girlfriend volunteered me right away, but I didn 't want to go without her. The lady took both of us. I sewed and Putti did household chores. We had food and a roof over our heads for a few weeks. After that, we did various other jobs.

One day a Jewish man by the name of Daniel, also a survivor, came from a small town named Widawa in the oountry, looking for somebody who oould take care of his household. He said he lived with a friend on a farm and a Polish woman was cooking for them. They wanted some Jewish cooking. Putli said, "Henny, that's something for you." The man told her she could come also, but she had a job. I

was not very happy leaving my friend, but I was oul of ajob and had to earn my keep. I liked it in tile country and I also liked Daniel's friend Abram.

Putti came once to visit me. The war had finally ended and she wanted to go back to Germany. Shortly after she left, I received a letler from Berlin with very familiar handwriting. It was fTom my

aunt, and I was very excited. She had learned from Putti th at I was alive and was still in Poland.

On July 14, 1945, Abram returned from an erranel very upset. "Let's pack and get out of here. They shot a Jewish man in the marketplace." Early the next morning (my twentieth birthday), we took the horse and wagon and left Widawa. Some birthday celebration! We a lmost got to Lodz when we were stopped at a checkpoint by gendarmerie .

They noticed that I spoke German and no matter how hard Abram and Daniel tried to explain to them that I was a German Jew and not a Nazi, they ordered me off the wagon and took me to jail. Abram managed to give me the address where I could find him and Daniel.

I'll never forget the address-it was Zachodnia 66 in LoCz . For a few hours, which seemed like an eternity, I was in a jail cell guarded by two gendarmes .

Evidently. they finally believed that I was Jewish and let me go. I wa lked into

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•••••••••••••••••••••••• Lodz and found the address.

On August 25, 1945, Abram and I got married and two days later we left for Germany with one suitcase, money and two bottles of vodka. But this was nol so simple as taking the train. The war had ended only two months before and lhere was lots of destruction. Refugees and homeless people were everywhere. We went on a train to KattowilZ, and tllen went on another train Witll refugees to Czechoslovakia. At the border, at the town of Mo rava Ostrava (Maehrisch Ostrau) the train was stopped by Russian military and since nobody had papers, we were all taken off and locked up in a room at the station.

Abram had known that with vodka the Russian soldiers could be bribed- now it came in handy. The room we were kept in had one window which opened into the lobby of the station. Abram walked up to lhe guard, spoke with him for a while, and gave him the booze. When he came back to me he opened the window and said, "Come on, hurry up!" He threw our suitcase out into the lobby and we jumped out. It was already dark.

We went to his mother's house. We stayed there- she prepared food for us and put us up overnight. Nex1 morning after breakfast we were on our way again. The lady had advised us to walk to the station in the ne:\1 town. From there we would be able to catch a train to Praha without passing another checkpoint. In Praha there was a refugee center where we stayed for about a week.

The besl way to get to Germany was through Vienna, supposedly. This meant we had to firs t cross fTOm the Russian zone into the American zone. We continued towards the border orthe Ame rican zone . When we walked across an American soldier stopped us. We were taken to the police station. It was about It AM. The GI in charge had us sit there and wait.

At noon he told us he would be going for lunch. When Abram saw thaI nobody was g uarding us. he said. " Come on. we're going for lunch too." So we left and after a lot of crisscrossing ended up in Nuremberg. Germany. on Erev Ros h

A1'Rll. 1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• Hashanah. Somebody told us that in Fuerth.just outside Nuremberg. there was already a Jewish congregation and there would be services in the synagogue. We went and when we entered the synagogue thc Jewish soldiers handed us a Machzor and a small book with Readings from the Holy Scriptures. 1 used them for many holidays since. They make me remember how far 1 have come.

After the holidays, we continued thc last stretch of our journey to Dortmund.

We got to thc housc my aunt used to live in. but it was burned down. We walked to another aunt 's apartment only five minutes away and luckily the house was still sta nding a nd we found my two aunts. Another aunt and three cousins had been killed. but five cousins were still alive. What a joyous reunion it was!

The city of Dortmund was mostly destroyed by the war. Hardly any Jews had survived. We wcnt to Hanover to see if it was better than Dortmund. The first place 1 took Abram was to my mother's prewar cleaning WOIllan and friend dur-

ing trying times. When we finally found her. you can ' t imagine how happy she was to see me. Right away she offered us a room to stay in which we gratefully accepted. Hanover already had an organization that helped the refugees with food . stamps. clothing. and finding apartmcnts or rooms . Also. th e U.N.N.RA distributed food to the refugees. We finally found two rooms after staying for three weeks with our friend Mrs. S7""mlevski.

Slowly wc established ourselves. In 1946 our son Jacob was born. carrying Abram's father 's name. Abram found his brother Leonard again. Leonard and his wife Greta came to Hanover. rented a room and we lived together as long as

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

FREEDOM me that they would forward my mail to Shanghai. My father had already applied for a visa to the United States but once he learned that I had survived he wan ted to return to Germany and emigrate with us. Again his plans changed.

He had received a visa from the States.

Now he was afraid if he would return to Germany. and would then want to em igrate to the United States. he would not be issued another visa . We definitely did not wa nt to remain in Germany. In 1948 my father wen t from China to America.

In 1947 Abram had bought a bumedout house in the center of Hanover and rebuilt it. Now we moved in, and rented out the rest of the apartments. On the ground floor were two stores--one we rented out and Abram and his partner, a German antique dealer. occupied the other one. They were in business together until we left for the States in November 1949.

We crossed the ocean on the troop transporter GeneralJ. H. McRae and arrived in New York on Thanksgiv ing.

1949 . What a reunion with my father!

Greta and Leonard with their few months old son. Hcnry. ca me to thc States shortly after liS and together. wi th the help of the H.l.A.S .. we settled in a apartment in Brooklyn.

In Mal' 1950 Abram bought a fa rm

in Colchester. Wc worked hard but did not mind. We were free and had started a family again. My father lived wi th us and helped with thc farm . In 195 lour daughter Jenny was born and namcd after my mother who had been killed in Riga. My father passed away in 1966.

Our children. afte r finishing school and college. got married and our first grandson. Lee. was born. Those we re happy times. But then the world caved in. On Dccember 4. 1976. Abram. my husband of32 years. suddenly died. Our second grandson was born on December 30. Naturally he was named Abram to perpetuate the name of his grandfather.

Nevertheless. life we nt on. 1 had two more grandchildren . Michelle and Aaron. In 198 1 1 go t married to Bob. I consider myself very lucky to have lived to sec my children and grandchildren grow up. and to have a wonderful partner in Bob. America was good to me.

There may be many things wrong in our country. but we can complai n without being incarcerated. We ca n vote and try to make changes for the beller.

G'd bless America.

Henny Simon lives in Colchestel: Connecticut. She is th e grandmo tlier 0/ Binghamton Revic\v business manager Lee lHarkiewicz

The Jewish Student Union at Binghamton University Annual 24-Hour Holocaust Remembrance Vigil

we were in Germany.

1 still did not know whether my father was alive. but was soon to find out.

I had a visitor. a former Hano\'cranian who had escaped Germany in 1934 and gone to Palestine. Now he was with the Jewish brigade. He brought me greetings from my father who sti ll was in Shanghai. China. and he gave me his parents' address in the States. He told

19

• •••• •••••• ••••••••••••••

Noon , Monday, April 15

to Noon, Tuesday, April 16 Individuals or groups interested in reserving a time slot to read should contact Michael Vermut at 724-3998, Rachel Weintraub at 724-2344 or the JSU at x4980

An adventure in the "Keilka" fantasy serial

By Dawn McKibbin Ah, spring, when it finally comes, it is glorious. It seems nothing can stop us from enjoying it, not even the most pressing questions of the world. Indeed, in it:S- peace and renewed life we may even find answers to those questions and pieces to the puzzle of our lives when we're not even looking...

S

awa stood in the parking lot un der the suite's window admiring the way the new, green finish on his car shone in the clear April sun. A few good things had come from those

awful incidents in February and March-the new paint on the car, which took years off its appearance, was not the least of them. "Hey I You ready yet?" he shouted up at the open window above.

"Coming, coming," he could hear Mordy mutter as he saw Christian walking toward him with his complete arsenal of fishing gear.

"Gonna catch us dinner?" Sawa asked as Christian stowed his gear.

Christian began to explain his plans for the day at length, right down to

the flies he thought would work best.

Sawa took that as a yes.

Next came the mountain bikers, including K' Jana with both his own bike and Sawa's. For some unknown reason, Sawa just couldn't help wolfwhistling at Julia in her biking shorts-maybe it just had to do with her looking like a goddess in Lycra tights. Lucky man, he thought of Keilka even as his girlfriend tried to run him down, and worse, scratch his car with the bar ends on her bike.

Keilka just gave him that irritating,

AP1uL 1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• oh-so-full-of-himself smile as he lifted the bikes onto the rack, but on this breezy, warm morning it just made Sawa laugh.

Finally the scholars made their way to the car with full book bags. Mordy and Isaiah were heatedly arguing philosophy and politics already. They were happy. Sawa had to laugh at them the same way the did at K' Jana and Julia who constatitly discussed the currently popular sci-fi show, G'danya.

There is more to life guys, he thought, but at least Julia and K' Jana generally realized this.

"All aboard'" Sawa cried as he saw the campus police car enter the parking lot in his rearview mirror. With that they were off to a day of fun in the nearby state park.

•••••

They started going their separate ways in the parking lot by the lake shore. Mordy grabbed his pack and announced his intention of finding a nice, quiet place to sit and study. Isaiah was going to take a walk and then do the same. They went their separate directions while the four bikers took their bikes from the roof rack and Christian gathered up his gear, including that prized, fishing-fly encrusted hat of his.

Once he had placed the hat firmly on his head without digging one of the myriad hooks into his scalp, Christian set off toward the creek that fed the lake. He walked for a while until he came upon a stretch of lazy, flat water where he could see the fish swimming and hear them breaking the surface to feed. This was it, he thought, readying his gear to really begin the day, this is paradise.

Meanwhile, the mountain bikers were finding their own form of nirvana. The trail was much drier than expected, though it was still early in the season, and they zoomed through the forest and across the grass and over logs. They gloried in their own speed and seemed to out race even the wind.

They stopped only to drink or when someone, usually Keilka, had a par-

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

KEILKA

21

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ticularly good crash.

After one spectacular event, Julia hung back to make sure Keilka was still alive. As he stood and dusted himself off she said to him via their strange mental link, Let s get lost.

Then she turned around with a smile and sped off through the trees. Something about her tone made him quite sure that he would win a great prize if he caught her.

If. .. Keilka thought. That was big task as he pursued her though the trees, following her tire tracks in the dirt. He could hear her up ahead, and he "knew" where she was. Now if he could only catch her.

•••••

Mordy sat in the shade of a towering tree with his back against the trunk basking in a patch of sunlight that made it through the boughs. He was going to study, but he was so tired.

So tired...

He watched the shadows shift as the breeze blew through the young leaves.

He really ought to be studying ...

He opened the book and read a few words as he listened to some music.

Then he yawned. Keynesianism, Marxism, Chicago School. . .it all seemed so unreal here, so out of place.

He yawned again so deeply that he thought he had strained something in his mouth and shut the book. It s not like this studying is going to help anyway, he thought. I might as well catch up on sleep and maybe enjoy myself for once.

Enjoy, he thought, what a concept.

He hadn't done that in-well, he couldn't remember how long, and he resented that. In fact he had a lot to resent right now. He started to sigh, but that too quickly turned to yawn.

He laid his head back against the tree in exhaustion and listened to the music. He wanted to think through his problems and his options. He had a major which was killing him, family who had always pressed him to succeed in some academic field because everyone since his great-great grandmother had at least a Masters in some science, and an offer of an internship in graphic design at a prestigious newspaper based on his scanty portfolio from one class and the two campus

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rags he had designed.

Two mags, and he hadn't even put that much time into them' One was K' Jana and Julia's sci-fi thing (he didn't even like that stuff!) and the other was the radical rant rag, Guillo-: tine, that Keilka had recently resurrected after a 120 year slumber. He neither agreed with the original editor, nor with Keilka, but he laid it out properly, at least, and ignored the politics. All he could say was that it looked pretty damn good, and that Keilka's injection. of Alliancism had proved a stabilizing force mainly because the original editor held beliefs that were untenable in cur- . rent society, noble. as they might have been at the close of the 20th century; For this he had been awarded a summer internship. How was he going to tell them? How could he explain to his parents that he was sure he wasn't cut out to be an economist or a physicist or a mathematician (or even a chemist, biologist or political scientist)? He began thinking of how it might work

APRn.1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••

KEILKA

••••••••••••••••••••••••

started just a little, then looked up at him, took his hand and smiled...

out, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

•••••

•••••

Keilka htdfed and puffed as he rode.

He had been riding hard now for a while, but had still failed to catch up with Julia. He'd been thrown from the bike yet again-that made the third ejection since this little jaunt began, and the fifth of the day-only this time he had gotten "chainsawed" in the pro-

cess.

Finally even he couldn't keep up the pace he had set, and stopped. After a minute or so for a breather, he thought,

well slow and steady can win the race and began to walk the bike while still panting.

After what had seemed like an hour of walking, but was probably a good deal less, he came upon her sitting by a pool of water. Her back was to him and she was combing her hair with her hands in the reflection. He crept toward her as quietly as he could manage in his currently bruised state, and tapped her gently on the shoulder. She

Isaiah was sitting on a bench by the lake. First he had walked in the woods until he thought his feet were going to fall off only "to find· that· they had taken him back here. Then he had read Finally he had fallen to talking with an elderly black man fishing from the bank. The old man was most enlightening and wise in his own way, Isaiah thought.

"Caught my limit'" Christian declared as he walked toward them holding up two strings heavily laden with fish.

The old man leaned over to. Isaiah and said, "Not. everything is· about politics and money. There are some things that go beyond that and others that interest everyone. That was a hard lesson forme to learn when I was your age." Then he looked over at Christian's catch with a fisherman's envy in his eyes. "Leave any for me?"

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••••••••••••••••••••••••• he asked the newcomer.

"Think so,9t Christian replied as he laid the fishes down, "you should have seen the ones that got away." He and the old man chuckled at that bit of inane fishing humor.

Yeah, Isaiah thought as the two men watched Christian walk over to the car to fetch his cooking utensils, that:V been a hard lesson for us to learn in the past month since KeUka ~ problem, and one we're still not all the way comfortable with yet. I'm not, Isaiah thought, but at least I 'm not alone.

* •• *.

"Don't lock your breaks like that, it's bad for the bike an' it's bad for the trail!" Sawa shouted to K'Jana while he waited for the latter to descend a steep hill. K' Jana cursed under his breath, and muttered something about getting killed.

"No you won't...well, what do we have here?" he said as KeUka and Julia emerged from the trees. "Have a good time?" he called out with a leer. Both of them just smiled. They were so pleased with themselves.

When they met up, everyone tried to act as if nothing had happened, and that was cool. Sawa said that they weren't far from where the picnic ground where they said they would meet, and K' Jana suggested they race.

Julia was ready to go, but Keilka looked concerned. He was already bruised from head to toe. "At least you heal quickly," K' Jana said, showing off his injury.

"Makes up for being a lousy rider," Julia added.

"Yer onl" Keilka replied snapping his helmet back on and taking off. Julia laughed and followed, but not for long.

*.* ••

Isaiah, Mordy and Christian were all sitting around the fire talking, or rather arguing, but this is what they had come to enjoy most when they were together. From who else could they get a reality check for free? They were haVing a heated discussion, in more ways than one, while Christian was putting the filets into a frying pan.

KEILKA

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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He was cooking and vigorously defending some point, absently using his knife to illustrate, when Julia came crashing through the trees.

"Where are they?" she panted to them.

"Dunno," the men said with a shrug.

More importantly, they could care less.

They certainly didn't want to hear any tales of mountain biker glory.

"You mean they're not back yet?" she replied incredulously.

"Guess not," Mordy said while Christian handed her a cold drink.

"Cool," she panted when she finally finished her long drink. Then she laid her bike down, took off her helmet and gloves and walked down to the lake to cool off with the chill water. The others came along, eventually. Sawa was the second. He set down the bike, crashed in grass, promised himself that he was absolutely going to lose at least five pounds in the very near future and lay sprawled and gasping until Julia dumped a load of very cold water on his face.

"Girls can't ride, huh?" she remarked sarcastically. He was too tired to do anything but moan in reply.

Thankfully Keilka's peculiar yowl of pain forestalled any other action. For a sport that he's grown up with, Sawa thought, he's amazingly lousy at it.

Soon they saw Keilka's equally peculiar form emerge from the trees. No wonder he keeps getting thrown, Sawa thought, he's much too tall and skinny to balance well on a bike. There isn't enough of him, so when he hits a rock, the rock wins, and he gets thrown. This didn't happen to Sawa very often.

K ' Jana appeared just as Christian pronounced the food ready. "He's a really good rider," Julia opined while still cleaning up the most heinous of Keilka's injuries.

"Yeah, he just needs to work on his sense of direction/' Sawa added, grabbing a plate.

When they were finished eating and the mess had been cleared up, they sat around on a blanket near the fire and talked (yes, talked!). Keilka had gone

to put the bikes back on the car, and as he walked toward them they could see he was carrying something.

Something that was brown and wriggling ... and rattling. "Oh, not again," Mordy said, not sure whether to laugh or not.

"Look, it's our old friend ... " Keilka said holding the animal up. Julia looked confused, she had seen Keilka with snakes before-she thought it was cool, but had they, too?

"Keilka Nastargixyn, where in the world did you get that?" Christian said feigning fear.

"Oh, there's a whole den of 'em down there. This one's the prettiest of the bunch," he said, holding the large snake in one hand and pointing with the other. "Must of just come out today-they're all kinda groggy," he added as he sat down on the blanket.

Mordy, by virtue of being closest, was the first to touch it. He had grown a lot since the last time this had happened in November, and had made up his mind today that he wasn't afraid of anything.

Isaiah and Christian held it. They kept looking at each other with foolish, 13-year-old, I-can't-believe-I'm doing-this grins, but they were too curious and intrigued to let go. They were as amazed as they were the first time Keilka had brought a rattler. to them, but they were no longer awed by him. Nor were they at each other's throats any longer. Circumstances had changed and so had they. Maybe they didn't always get along even now, and their accord-reached after March's hateful events-was new and fragile, but everyone had to admit that it was a damn sight more pleasant than the other alternatives. As Julia held the snake and let it wriggle from hand to hand, she asked, "So what is it with you guys and rattlesnakes," and they honestly tried to explain.

Dawn MCKibbin is a freelance writer living in Jackson, Wyoming. She holds a Master:V degree in political science from Binghamton University

811arperl

e

Our hUarlous humorist declares his candidacy for the 2000 presidential elections amidst a sea ofbeer, raw meat and antlers

By Gordon Sharpless

E

must admit the excitement of both the campus elections and the prima .es have really thrown me into the campaigning mode. So much that I recently decided I should run for President of the United States in the 2000 elections. I'll have met all the qualifications-I am a natural born citizen, I'll be old enough, I'm breathing, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

Recently I held a press conference to announce my candidacy. Judging by the turnout, I will assume you, the reader, weren't there. So, as a service to my fellow concerned citizens, I will summarize the proceedings. I expect that upon reading it, you, the concerned citizen, will have a clear idea of where I stand on the important issues we face and will have a firm idea as to whether you will support my presidential bid in the year 2000. This press conference was held on March 16 at Mitchell's Ribs, Spuds and Steakhouse-four fine brands of beer on tap-located just minutes from 1-81 in downtown Vllgil, New York.

Mitchell does the cooking while his lovely wife Margaret serves the customers. Bingo on Thursdays, Early Birds at 7 PM sharp.

I began with a long-winded speech where I summarized the State of the Union (not as good as it will be after I'm elected), outlined the direction the country needs to go (the direction I will lead), what will happen upon my election (prosperity for all, especially my-

self as I'm guaranteed employment for four years with a real cool pension when I'm done), the problems our country faces now (all the problems to which 1 have a solution, any problem to which 1 have no solution is not really a problem) and who is to blame for all these problems (my opponent). What's that you say? 1 don't have an opponent for the 2000 presidential race? Well then, how about I blame government in general? I could say government is to blame for everything, therefore when I'm in charge of the government, the government will no longer be the problem even though I said government was the problem. Wait a minute-does this make any sense to you? Me neither.

Okay, I blame talk radio and talk television.

Finally, I pointed out that if we had family values all our problems would be solved-thus I outlined my plan to turn family values into law. By executive order, with the stroke of the special Family Values Memorial Pen, the same pen used by that great example of Family Values, the Rev. Jimmy "Dammit, I should have paid cash" Swaggert, I will sign the Family Values Law. This prompted the first question of the evening from my audience.

It was from a Mr. Edgar Littleton of Willet, New York.

"Excuse me, Mr. Candidate for President, just what exactly is the Family Values Law?"

"It is a law that says all citizens of the United States will observe and adhere to family values."

"Thank you Mr. Candidate, you have cleared things up for me."

"Glad to help."

I went on to outline my plan to abolish the IRS-which in summation says that upon my inauguration I will immediately put Super Glue in all the locks at the IRS headquarters in Washington. This prompted numerous questions from my audience. The first one was from, once again, Mr. Edgar Littleton of Willet, New York.

"Sir, what about the other IRS offices?"

"I will be placing Silly Putty in everyone's desk."

"And this will be to prevent the workers from getting to the materials contained in their desks?"

"No, it will be for them to play with.

Haven't you ever played with Silly Putty? It's fun, I have some with me here."

The second question came from a Mrs. Evelyn Littleton of Willet, New York.

"Edgar, didn't we have some Silly Putty with us on that trip to Saranac Lake last year?"

"Hush, Evelyn. The rest of these people don't care to hear about what we did with Silly Putty on our trip to Saranac Lake last year. " "Actually, we do," I added. A ma-

APRIL 1996

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SHARPER IMAGE

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jority of the concerned citizens in at- side of Syracuse. 'Willie 's World of lost control of the situation . The events tendance agreed. At this point the Wheels.·" of the evening far outweighed any conLittletons took their leave, with Mr. "You ' re appointed." tribution one individual could make.

Littleton overheard saying, "Evelyn , I "Don't hire him- hc 's a thief. I I now knew what being president was think we still got some of that Silly bought an Oldsmobile offof Willie back all about. I was reminded of a slogan Putty in the hall closet. " in 1962. Damn if that thing wasn't my I oftcn hear during the election year: Mr. Warren Eskridge of Lisle, New father 's Oldsmobile." said Mr. Bertram " Nobody for President. " A slogan York had the nexi question: "Now what Windexterham of Smithville Flats. New based on the obvious fact of just who you need with this Super Glue? My York . is trul y qualified for the job and who brother-in-law Danny-he owns some At this point an argument ensued so is capable of actually solving the probheavy equipment-why him and me. I took the opportunity to present my lems that exist both within our borwe' lljust go down there with his dozer plan of how concerned parents could ders and throughout the world. Noneand level the durn building." become more involved in the education the less, knowing what wonderful benI now had a Secretary of the Inte- of their children . efits being President has, like getting rior.

"Don ' t buy an Oldsmobile from to run red lights and having entire Having firmly settl~ed~~~~~~_W~i~II~!'~'~~~M~r::...~W~in~d~e~x~te~r~h~a~m~a::s_~st~a~te:E~::.~fo~r~c~es pick up women for you. I had to press about my position on family values and on. taxes I moved the My motorcade of one pulled away discussion to my position of what I befrom Mitchell 's lieved the role of the Steak house and United States should headed out to the be in our everinterstate and on to changing world The Royal Order of economy. Realizing the Moose, Elk, Gazelle, Antelope that we had to assert ourselves as the and Other Antleaders of the 21 st lered Animals century I outlined Lodge 42, located my policy which in Pulaski , New e mph a s i ze d York. As we apAmerica 's ability to proached Syracuse be an innovator in I turned to my product developdriver, Dominic, ment and promowho was chewing tion . I announced on one of the that my international trade representa- Mr. Castleman knocked him over the steaks he smuggled out of the restauhead with the mounted bass that rant during the melee-it didn' t mattive would be Ed McMahon.

"Well how about the Commerce De- Mitchell caught at the tournament ter they were raw, it was too dark to tell anyway. partment, who 's going to be the head back in 1973 .

"Dominic, what does this country re"See. that's what's wrong with this of the Commerce Department, that 's what I want to know. " This came from country, too many people going around ally need in leadership?" " Someone who can cook a good Mr. William Castleman of Truxton. hitting each other upside the head with a fish . You want to talk about our steak . man, this thing is tough."

New York .

"True, but for the country, I mean, I replied that it would require fur- children 's education . how do you edu ther study as I wanted to be sure that I cate children when we got Will and what docs a president really do beside could match the important responsibili- Bert over there smacking each other make speeches, ride around in a limo, ties of the position with an individual around with a fish that 's been dead for shake hands with other heads of state, have access to the chief executive toihaving proven success in the complex over twenty years?"

At this point it became apparent that let?" world of commerce and also being a "I've heard it 's quite nice, the seat my bid for the presidency was going to person of unquestionable character. has an electric warmer for those cold be slightly delayed as a full scale brawl "Aw, hell, young man, for forty-two had taken over the room.

I had clearl y winter mornings." years I ran a used car lot on the south

Gordon for President

26

APRlL 1996

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

••••••••••••••••••••••••

SHARPER IMAGE

• •••••••••••••••••••••••

"Okay, but seriously, would it be more effective to stand in front of the public and talk about family values and the deplorable state of our inner cities and our horrible public education system, or would it be more effective if I annou nced that New Jersey 's law banning self-serve gasoline would be declared invalid?" " I think you 'd get Jersey on that one alone-add to that a plan to pull the toll booths at 16E and you' d be a shoein. Just come up with a similar practical plan for the olher states a nd you're

drive eighty miles every day, and each day on a different road. Basically, go for the things people face every day.

You can talk big ideas all you want, but if it isn 't something folks deal with a lot, it won ' t have any effect. Take those people back at the restaurant. You think they care about NAFTA? NASCAR maybe, but not NAFfA. Get 'em where it hits home."

"And where are we going nexi?" ' Some lodge where a bunch of old guys wear antlers on their heads and drink lots of beer and burp. Not all that different fTom where we came from , except for the an tlers of course. I couldn 't imagine Bert back there with antlers on his head:'

"Yeah. but he looked pretty good with that mounted bass wrapped around

the next president. For Virginia, invaH-

date the law against radar detectors. In Pennsylvania, require all employees of the Department of Transportation to

Italian-American Cuisine 1ty Our Famous Pizza Complete Menu for Take-Out For Reservations Call 725-6440 For Thke-out Orders and Pizza Call 723-6477 Hours: Sun. thru Thur. 11 am 'til 11 pm fri. Be Sat. 11 am 'til Midnight

his neck."

Upon my arrival at the lodge I was immediately mistaken for the man who delivers the beer kegs. Not having any, I soon found myself surrounded by fifty angry old men wearing antlers of assorted varieties and burping a lot.

We ran for it and Dominic successfully got us off the lot as a Thompson 's Gazelle antier bounced off the roof.

"These people don 't care about politics, they want beer!" I yelled. " Is this America? What about homelessness, crime, drugs, poverty?!"

"People don 't care that much. I mean to say, those men do care. Those issues malter, but if it's not happening in their own backyard, well, give 'em beer instead."

"So what are you saying, as president, ignore these issues and serve beer?"

"That 's not entirely off the mark . If people don't see it, then in their mind, it's not happening, and you ' re not likely to convince them otherwise. You can't dictate day to day livi ng from a big building in Washington . Or create policy that will be equally effective in Washington state as Washington. D.C. The country is too big, too diverse.

What you saw tonight was one small segment of society. Can you tell me that what is good for a partner in a large Washington, D.C. law firm , will be equally good for our friends back at Mitchell's Steakhouse? Or vice versa?

Can't do it-one size fits all government is a failure." '

My vice-president. Dominic the Driver.

Meanwhile. we headed back down 181 . "Nobody for President" looked better and better- but a heated toilet seat- hmm.

Gordon Sharpless is slill on Ihe calll-

117 Robinson St. on Binghamton's East Side

paign Irail. We last saw him near Youngstown, Ohio wearing the antlers

All Miijor Credit Cards

frolll a pronghorn an Ie/ope. drinking "Milwallkee s Besl, .. and burping alaI. Trus/ us, it was not a pretty sight.

APRIL 1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• Sir Charles on the Democrats

QUIBBLES

& BITS

Clinton Adm inistration Explained

In an interview ,,;th John F. Kennedy.

Jr" basketball superstar Charies Barkley criticizes the The Party of Sensitivity and Compassion: "The Democrats will give you fish. but they won't teach you how to fish . The Republicans say.. Hey. if you don 't learn how to fish on your own. you're not going to eat. ' .. .I'd choose any party that wants to put an end to some of those social programs. Just gut them."

IGeorge. February I March 19961

Our Fearless Leader and her husband make decisions- he keeps a "Magic 8Ball" in his office. " It's good to k now you're not in control of cverything. Supers tition s tell yo u th at." sa id Stephanopolous. This may explain our foreign policy. I U.vl Heekend. March 29-31. 1996 1

More Barkley

Get Up There, Kal'yn Bianco!

In a recent interview. presidential

advisor George Stephanopolous gave America some keen insight as to how

BIN GHAMTON RE V I ~w

27

• •••••••••••••••••••••••• Keystone Kops The Baltimorc police stopped a carful of teenage rs for joyriding. They handcuffed the driver and forced him to lay down on the road. Then they loaded his passengers into a policc va n, started the van and ra n over the teenager, who they

had forgotten about. Fortunately, he was not seriously injured. IReason , April 19961 We Saw This Coming .. , As predicted by former Review staffer Brad Levine, student governments arc

When Barkley endorsed former contender Steve Forbes for the Republican nomination . he was criticized by hi s grandmother. who told Sir Charles that Republicans favo r the rich. "Grandma. , Gm the rich." Barkley replied. INational Review. March 25. 1996 1 Raising the Rauf Meanwhile, a lesser-known basketball playe r named Mahmoud AbdulRauf has apparently taken lessons from BU 's multicultural mavens. The Denver Nuggets guard refused to stand for the playing of the national anthem at a basketball game. earning himselfa suspension of indefinite length. Rauf said he refused to stand for "T he Star Spangled Banner" because America has a history of "tyranny and oppression ."

The allegedly oppressed Rauf makes $2.8 million a year. IH'ashington TImes Week!", March 18-24. 19961

Ge neral Yuri Glazkov, the deputy commander of Russi as Cosmonaut Training Center, recently notcd that American astronaut Shannon Lucid will be welcome during her five-month long stay on the space station AliI' " We know that women love to clean." All those in favor of moving the Women 's Center to tIIir. say "Ayc!" INewsw eek. April I. 19961 The Crumbling Coalition A liberal advocacy group for the poor in California is suing the state. claiming the minimum wage is so high lhey

can 't hire enough lobbyists. 171/e A mericall Enterprise, March I ApriL 19961

now subsi di zing dating. The Brown Universi ty SA has embarked on a program called HUGS, which helps fund a computerized dating service. I u. . Apri l 19961 Bet They Loved 'Show and Tell' Teachers went on strike last yea r in

the San Diego School District. so the school board hired substitutes. including topless dancer Cynthia Kemmsies.

She says she has a Master's degree, but she plies her trade at a club that caters to sailors. She sa id that one job should have nothing to do with the other. ICam P l/S Report, March 1996 1

Fixing Holes in Rauf When asked about Rauf's behavior, Ayesha Mustafaa of the .I/I/slim JOl/rnal in Chicago said Muslims should only resist a government if it tries to change their religion. She adds: '" don 't know of a nation where brother Rauf is going to find a past without sins that need atonement. I don' t know how he got to be a man without a country."

1I" ashington Times "'~eklv. March 182-1. 19961

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'Il. MR. ~tR fODI/?! oFflaR ~·tl-llP 111\1\-\ 111~ RA1iN~lbLI(;f I . 9KK1W1 . ~~ YoR IN~\f Ar-l'tHAMItt ~lakle~,~IR .

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