December 1996 - Binghamton Review by Binghamton Review

A Funny Preview Of 1997~T he Year To Be

BINGHAMTON REVIEW \olllllle III \" II 111 he I"

The Sflltfellf "I/ai:a:,ille aT /UIli:/IlII11T(1/I l"lIil"ersiTy

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The President Resigns

Actually, It Was Benardello, But We Don't Have Him In Our Clip Art Library A Freshman Reports on His Exciting Experience of Election Day Holiday Gift Ideas For Your Favorite Campus Personalities

BINGHAMTON REVIEW Volume 10, Number 4

December, 1996

Departments Editorial: The Bernardello resignation caps off a big stinking mess and it's the SA that smells rotten. ~

Campus Presswatch reveals the ups and downs of media

":i.I:: coverage of the Benardello fiasco. 61)

J1 a

We become tasteless when we uncover a Fair Use plot in The Right Side.

In this edition of Quibbles & Bits, we discover that General Hospital and Medicare are inexorably linked.

Features Amy L. Gardner covers the blockbuster impeachment proceedings offormer SA President Anthony J. Benaredello. Nathan Wurtzel eXl'lains why his inaction led to the ill-advised presidential endorsement.

Review's

Jason J. Kovacs works the crowd on Election Day and still plans to do it again in the future.

Alex Galitsky explains why multiculturalism will lead to the death of the university.

J14

Gordon Sharpless declares his candidacy for the 2000 presidential election.

Amy L. Gardner bids Binghamton University. her friends. and the Review farewell .

J1 1ll'\ Q:1J

Nathan Wurtzel presents his annual knee-slapperThe Year in Preview.

Join the staff of the Review as we generously bestow holiday gifts upon campus personalities.

Next Month eJohn Carney takes the reins of the Review 'A no-holds-barred roundtable with Abisi Sharakiya 'Nathan Wurtzel reviews Beavis & Blltt-head /)0 Alllerica The next issue will be available on February 10, 1997

DECEMBER 1996

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EDITORIAL

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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The Resignation of Anthony Milhous Benardell0

he best thing Anthony Benardello did for the Student Association and the conservative movement on campus was resign. While many members of Binghamton Review and other conservatives on campus support Anthony, that is not the case for all of us. Whether we supported Anthony or not we did not want to see his impeachment go through. His impeachment would also symbolize an impeachment ofconservative ideals. Anthony resigning has made it possible for ~e conservative movement on campus to continue as a driving force here at Binghamton University. Anthony's behavior at times was deplorable and cannot be condoned. He used fear and intimidation to get his way and often abused his power to achieve his goals, but this is not where the debate over his impeachment focused. The forces behind the impeachment went into the SA Constitution looking for reasons they could impeach. They wanted Anthony out not because they felt he was not doing his job, but because of personal differences. They did not like Anthony or they way he often handled things and wanted the power that be possessed. Those who have called the impeachment a power play are correct. Marc Bloch, author of the impeachment resolution~ did not mind Anthony's tactics until they were aimed at him. For a long time Anthony and Marc were close friends, and Marc often assisted Anthony in his quest for power. Marc also benefited from Anthony's abuses receiving several stipended positions within the Student Association. This was not enough for Marc-he wanted more power and when Anthony would not let Marc have it Marc decided it was time to get rid of Anthony. It was not hard for Marc to find allies in the quest, because Anthony had alienated much of the campus with his egomaniacal behavior. The charges against Anthony were

silly and petty and not worth attempting to impeach someone over. The resolution focused on too many things. There were one or two legitimate charges, but they were often not addressed. People did not focus on things Anthony failed to do that he was required to do. Instead people on the left focused on their political differences with Anthony, which by the way are not reasons to impeach. I do not agree with President Clinton politically, but he cannot be impeached for that. There are many other scandals in the White House that may lead to his impeachment, but these have nothing to do with his politics. People working for Anthony's impeachment from the right could not put forth persuasive arguments for his impeachment, mostly because they agreed with Anthony's politics. The arguments coming from both sides were personal. The whole impeachment attempt was misguided. The campus left and the campus right should not have been working together. It delegitimized both sides. Campus conservatives working for the impeachment of one of their own does nothing to solidify our base. At a campus controlled by the left we cannot afford to have such open divisions within the group. Campus conservatives openly working to impeach Anthony has essentially divided much of the campus right. This division may have doomed all that we have been fighting so hard to achieve. The campus right has been working hard for years to gain power within the student government. This year we had finally succeeded and were on the way to making some lasting changes beginning with the removal of the Vice President for Multicultural Affairs. What did we do? Some of us turned right around and got rid of the person who had been attributed with this victory for us. That gives legitimacy to the campus left's claims. Now we hear the word compromise echoing from the Student Association. when the campus right was in a position that we did not need to compro-

mise. There was so much we could have achieved and it all seems lost now. This does not mean that Anthony deserved blind support. He did abuse his power and did not know how to truly lead Often his ego got in the way of things. Anthony is a hard man for anyone to like. He is a thirty-seven-year-old man who often behaves like a seven-year-old child He does not think before he speaks and often says things that are unintelligible and offensive. He has done as much harm to the conservative movement on campus as those of us who worked for his impeachment. He has reaffinned many of the stereotypes people have about CODservatives, while at the same time not really behaving like a true conservative. He became part of the problem rather than working to eliminate it as he promised to during his campaign. We never saw any moves towards smaller government and less spending by the SA In fact he probably helped spend more money than any prior SA E-Board Do the SA E-Board members really need pagers and cellular phones? Was all of the new furniture and computer equipment really necessary? Anthony became just another tax-and-spend politician. He deserves to be criticized for these things. If people on the campus right wanted to take power out of Anthony's hands, these are the issues they should have been talking about. Of course~ many of those working for his impeachment could not criticize Anthony on these issues, because they were all a part of this problem also. Let's hope that the conservative movement has not been destroyed. We were fmally starting to make inroads in things we have been fighting for so long and hard for. If the movement has been destroyed, we have nobody to blame but ourselves for not kncming how to be a cohesive group. This is why liberals have been in control for so long. They know how to remain cohesive.

-Amy L. Gardner

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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DEcEMBER

CAMPUS PRESSWATCH

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pipe dream November 22, 1996

The fo llowing statements in a pipe dream editorial could easily be a description of the f ederal government rather than the SA. Why then do we not hear th em calling for the impeachment of President Clinton just as emphatically?

If this is true everyone could have been saved a lot oftime. Anthony did not need to be impeached. All we needed was a good cleaning lady to get rid of him. She could have vacuumed or swept him up...

"It is difficult to find anyone who is happy wiih the direction this campus has taken since Benardello took office. Riots, disunity, and SA scandals are only the most obvious manifestations of this discontent. .. "As our leader, he has taken to somewhere campus politics do not belongknee-high in corruption, nepotism and bullshit. It has to end. We implore ihe remaining communities to follow the lead of ihe rest of the campus and impeach him so that our student government may begin serving the students once again."

"i'mjust a harmless little fuzzball ... "I raise my voice now and againdon't we all" pipe dream November 22, 1996

The Student Advocate December 6, 1996

It is ironicfor Marc Bloch to make such statements since he was one ofAnthony s right hand men during most ofhis time in office. Marc helped create many of the problems and did nothing to alleviate them while he worked for Anthony Obviously Anthony can t be blamedfor everything. Marc is partly to blame ...

"When an SA Executive Board mempipe dream November 22, 1996 Benardello did say a few intelligent things regarding the allegations against him. It is hard to find fault with these statements about Marc Bloch and the administration. The mere thoughtofseeing the ass of an administrator, nevertheless kis>ing one, is frightening. ..

"The fact that it failed miserably is testament that people saw through the cheap, childish, whining. Marc Bloch was vi ndictive. He quits and then takes it out on me .. . "It is my job to be the student advocate to the administration, it doesn' t mean I have to kiss their ass ...

If Anthony really meant this in his res- bers breaches his duties, it is our job [to ignation letter, than he has had a poor excuse of a life. A t thirty-seven, one should have more to say about their life. It is hard to imagine anything about being involved with the Student Association being honorable. Then again, it could all be bullshit...

"Wiih that in mind, let me say it was a pleasure to serve you, the undergraduate students here at Binghamton. Being your President was an honor matched by few others in my life."

remove them), .. " I don 't blame Anthony for everything tI,at has gone on, but it is his job to repair [what has happened) . "Bloch also said Benardello failed to perform several of his duties outlined in the SA constitution, including the appointing members to ihe Presidential Organizational Review Board, meeting regularly wiih ihe SA E-Board, and failing to represent the students to the university administration." The Student Advocate December 6, 1996

The Student Advocate December 6, 1996

Then there is the not so intelligent...

For those ofyou who believe the latter in this statement, remember sequels are rarely as good...

" If there is x amount of people in a group a nd x amount of people are acting irrationally, as long as one person is acting rationally, that's enough qualification ." (Huh ?)

"We witness the closing of a chapter of Binghamton UniverSity history that some of us are happy to slam ihe cover of the book on, and others wish there was a sequel to."

Anthony better watch out whatever road he has taken . There are probably a few people who would enjoy seeing him as roadkill...

"Benardello 's resignation shows that he truly cares about ihe interests of the Student Association, as he has taken ihe high road in this and many other situa-

tions."

DECEMBER

1996

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COVER STORY

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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The soap opera run ofAnthony J. Benardello comes to a close

By Amy L. Gardner

e recent events on campus, involving the Student Association, have been playing out like a bad soap opera. The only difference is that there was not enough sex involved in our little story. That's too bad. A few sex scandals would have made it all a lot more entertaining. It would have been fun to hear something like Jeff Golant is Anthony Benardello's love child, or that Erik Kopelman and Chris Abdoo are involved in an interoffice romance. Of course, there certainly was enough lies, back-stabbing, and drama entangled in this mess to mistake it for a soap opera. I was sitting at home watching television on Monday, November 18, when I got a phone call asking me if I knew what was going to be happening at the Student Assembly meeting the following night. I had not heard, because I had been away all weekend. When I heard there was going to be an attempt to impeach Anthony Benardello, I thought "Not again." I was expecting to hear that the campus Left was behind it all and it was going to be a replay of a few years ago when there was an attempt to impeach the former Student Association Academic Vice President Dhiren Jhaveri. I was surprised to hear that the impeachment effort was being made by people normally associated with the more conservative sect on campus. It was a little disheartening to hear this. This story definitely had to be covered for the Rev; ew, so I trudged off to Watters Theater on Tuesday night to attend the SA meeting. The drama started early on when Academic Vice President Jeff Golant gave an impassioned speech, during his E-Board report, calling for

the end of petty politics. He said it was time to start dealing with the issues and make the campus a better place for everyone. It would be great if they started dealing with the issues. It would have been great if Jeff had dealt with some issues in his E-Board report, like talking about the referendum that would be coming up later in the week on whether or not to expand the Curriculum Committee in Harpur College. In Anthony Benardello's E-Board report he did not address the issue of impeachment too much. He did ask that Executive Vice President Chris Abdoo and Vice Chair of the Assembly Austin Graff step down from chairing the meeting due to conflicts of interest-Chris because he is next in line for President if Anthony is impeached, and Austin because he lives with Marc Bloch, author of the impeachment resolution. Because the resolution was New Business on the agenda it was the first thing to be addressed after all the reports. When a resolution is New Business the author and sponsors introduce resolution and it is open to only factual questions on substance of the resolution. No debate is allowed at this time. The resolution becomes Old Business at the following meeting and it is debated at that time. Marc Bloch, Off Campus College Rep., introduced the resolution saying it was the hardest thing he had to do in his four-year involvement in the Student Association. He called it "the first legitimate and necessary impeachment resolution introduced in my four years." He felt that Anthony had not fulfilled his duties as President and that he used fear and intimidation to get his way.

Marc cited an recent event where Anthony left a message on his answering machine saying he hoped Marc committed suicide. Anthony did admit to doing this. Marc felt that because Anthony resorts to these tactics the Assembly should suspend the rules and debate and vote on the resolution that week, therefore Anthony could not sway Assembly members through fear and intimidation. After the author and sponsors introduced the resolution, the Assembly went into the factual questioning period. One question that brought up a lot of concerns was whether Chris Abdoo did have a conflict of interest in remaining as chair of the meeting. Chris felt that he did not have a contlict of interest and would continue to chair the meeting. UGRC Rep. John Carney felt that Chris remaining as chair was parallel to someone running in an election being on the Elections Committee. There is a difference-Chris was not actively seeking the position of. President as someone running in an election would be. If Anthony got impeached Chris becoming President would only be a result. Chris did a good job remaining fair throughout the meeting and not letting his personal feelings get involved There was a motion to remove Chris as chair of the meeting, but it failed. The next motion was to suspend the rules and move the resolution directly to old business this week so it could be debated and voted on. It required a twothirds vote of the Assembly. It passed 35-6 with 5 abstentions. Before going into debate over the resolution there was a motion to let Anthony speak for ten minutes in defense

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

DECEMllER

1996

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COVER STORY

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of himself along with thirty minutes of questioning to Anthony, Anthony spoke in his own defense in his usual uneducated sound and use of poor grammar. Hc said the whole resolution was a political grab by Chris Abdoo and Jeff Golant, with thcir ultimale goal being not only to impeach him, but also the Judicial Board, Anthony admitted that he docs not get along with University President Lois DeFleur, He claims this is why he has Chris Abdoo meel with her, because they have a much better rapport, Anthony refuted the allegations of him not fulfilling his duties saying that it is not that he has refused to do these things, but he has been unable to because of others, He could not establish the Presidential Organization Review Board (pORB) because he never received any letters of intent to be on this committee, He said that this shows just how apathetic the student body is, There were a few Assembly reps who claimed that they had submitted letters ofintent to be on PORB, Anthony was also supposed to seat an Educational Policy Committee, Anthony really could not defend himself on this one, He seemed ignorant of the committee in general. He did not even know how many spots he had to fill, Some Assembly reps voiced their opinion that Anthony had not adequately pursued filling the committee opening, Anthony claimed that he had done everything that was required of him to do, He had even announced the openings at SA meetings, It was pointed out that there was n("ver any mention of this in the minutes of any of the meetings, Anthony said that the Assembly Secretary, Dana Bulkenstein, must have left it out. It is all very convenient for Anthony to blame other people for his failure to set up thc committees, Anthony said, " I am doing the best I can, I can't please everyone," Thequestion that remained: Was he pleasing anyone? Hc e~"ressed that he would not resign even if a majority of the students felt he no longer represented them, He claimed students were irrational. Ratio-

nal people would understand that he is doing a good job, He felt that it was the people who did not want to work with him that had a problem and not him, Again Anthony placed the blame on others and refused to take any responsibility himself. The Assembly finally entered debate over the actual resolution , The problem with the debate and whal had a been a problem for most of the meeting is that Assembly reps cannot follow Robert's Rules of Order, Many people were speaking out ofturn and many were not addressing the issue at hand, Both sides oCthe debate never really dealt seriously with the allegations of the resolution, They preferred to resor! to personal at-

tacks and petty politics. Hillside Rep, Barry Hakim spoke out agai nst the resolution claiming it was all personal and there was not any substance to the allegations, He defended Anthony claiming that he did actively pursue getting people to fill spots on the committees, Barry said Anthony askcd him to be on PORB, but he refused because he had too much else to do, However, Barry failed to give any other evidence that there was no substance behind the allegations, He said " Personal feelings are taking precedence over justice," More silly and petty politics got invo lved when John Carney made the motion to includc Chris Abdoo in the

, It Was My Mistake::The~~ _ ;,

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ancipatlOfJ from error is .the .. ingottIW , editor,inareas-w,Jie're:thcy'ari::

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fondWon 'of real knowle.dge, uniquely.!!liitcd to lead difoccasion; 'the.' . writes the Swiss poet and plUloso- cntire CditQrlal hoard makes a decisi~n ~Henri Frederic Amiel. Indeed, on an inJportant issue. Thc fuJI staff is' many errors stem Irom ignorance hardly ev.ct: consulted, .";, ratbe~ tban stupidilY, Perhaps the On!yollce lasl year aid I ask the.eri; greatest safeguard against naivete. is tire s~ ,of Binghamton Revi~w. 'the fear of public'huruilation ducto a make. a .decision-endorsemenls fo(hornble misstep, though our modem the S~ elections, There was only one society is increasingly buffering itself race in "7Uch the input of the staffwa&· from,lIUe knowledge, It espcciallypays t1'uly neci!~d--sA pres~de.!1l-though· ~ Ix: informed in :,politics- a lack , of Jeff Weisel inight very well have goc. know1edge can result in eight years of ten our'endorsement for Bir)ghamton' ' UmvQrsilY Council represeJ\l3tive,had 'BIll ClInton, for example, it can also result in several months he come to our meeting, The reason a' of Anthony J. Benardello, This is in a staff endorsemenl was necessary was' SrmiIl par! 'due to ihe Review, liul our beCause therl! was a ~e'p division iii' de!;ision to endorse1ri.m as a candidate the editorial hoard, for 'thepresidential' for .Student Association president lasl endorsement. Most of ibe E-Board March was not the resull of ignorance, wanted 10 strongly endorse Benarde-Uo, It was entirely due to my stupidity. but I wanted to with,bold, an endorseMagazines, even stlldenl magazines. menl for the presidenfial ;race: . ru:e.not run as democracies, There are Thopeby now evcrYone, especially our many decisions to be made in order to younger·conservative readers, catlappre; print an issue and most of these are ciate my reasoning, BenardcUo was ob'made by the editor-in-<:hief. This is Dot viously the right candidate on !be issues,. ~use the editor is a power-hungry though he would ultimaie.1y' (urn out to ,!rinitiac, but because she is uniquely be a dud on these as president, but h~ oquabfied as editor to make Ihese dcci- personal CIiaracter was '4imty suspect: sions. Often, members of the editorial "By this I' mean that he h3s a Itistory of board make decisions, with the bless- egotiS;tical grandstandingc outright disJ

tP.

DECEMBER

1996

•••••••••••••••• •• ••••••• impeachment resol ution. Carney did have enough sense to withdraw the motion before it took up any ti me of the Assembly, but it was another example of the Assembly faili ng to deal with the issue at hand. Impeachments should not be take n lightly and should be seriously discussed. Several stude nts voiced their concern over the Assembly voti ng on th is issue this week. They fel t they deserved to take it back to their constit ue ncies and find out how they felt about it. T hey are supposed to be representing them. It was pointed out how hypocritical it all was. A few weeks ago people were declaring how important it was fo r reps to fi nd out how their constituencies fel t

COVER STORY abo ut the Judicial Board appointments before they voted on it. Now these same people we re voting to ignore their constituencies. There was a motion to table th e reso lu ti o n so tha t it could be brought back to the constituencies, but it failed . The resol ution was brought up for a vote. For it to pass it required a threefo urths vote of the Assembly. The vote was done by secret ballot in acco rdance wit h Robert 's Rules of Order. T his does allow people to vote their conscience and not be pressured into voting one way or another. but it also eliminates accountabi lity. A rep can vote completely opposite of what his/her constituency would wan t and not be held accountable for it.

.~Beri,ardeno Endorsement ":'::" ~Ionesty,

a Maehiavellian attitude to-

larizing figure-tile understatement of the century. <. iriab iJi\y 10 \i,eep.bis temper during l:itn~s Wlleri' Anthon~'was elccted,I mad\' of stress. MoSt of the ECBoard; nOJlo t!,to additional mistake of climbing mention the staff, was not as weil ae- ' aoo.1rd the Benardello Express, even·to pted witll BenardeJIo as I am Thcte. tile point-of publishing a n,auseath)g1y f\lre, I Jcan~(l.tOwaIds ma\cing tile en: fluffy interview with him in tile sum-· 'oorsement decision m~lf, fot the gQOli mcr issue of lIIe Rev.ieW. (tnaly wa'J.led Ofth'l 8evie}jj and considered daiing the lIim to succeed, despite.my misgivings, . ·remainde,oftbeE-Board to overturn my ' and I, for a time, thought he might acdec ision Uliillilmously, 'Qur ultiinate. tlOally pilll it ojf. Unfortunately, hili' lfi!.e comPromise was to allow,the full ,statr ,. nature shonethrol!gh in. short Q~~.f, to make the decision. . . wrecking his presidency lind castirtg a Both Bcwfrdcllo and candidate Dave datkshadowovercampusconset)'3tiSm: Siegel attenijed our endorsement meetI hope conservatives; indeed, evjl'Ying and made good presentatrons, o~le. can lea'rn this Jesson: i~s;~'o~ 'though ~iegel 'repeated/)' was stUng'by' - enough for a candiqate to agree ' ~'l~ his abyssmiil handling of tile. Million you on tile issues; they must alsQ Ji'Qt Man MilIch fl3SCO earlier in the school good character. Duri!lg his ca.&!. year, Wlien the vote was taken, qitly " BenardeUowasfondofsaying thiitg'~ Amy Gardner and Paul Torres joined,me leadership descends from good'eharacin advocating no endorseme.n.t. ter, Then he got elected and pro'Vll!i iL BenardelJocameda supermajorityofthe I showed poor leadership when I a1~ votes, wi,tIi one Staffer opting for Siegel. lowed myself to be talked out of a .d ¢.i:. -il now ,had'to write 31t ~lIdorserireilt sion' l Knew 10·1le coi~c\''t. !iJiop'si~'{fto ofBenatdello. '\vitl' setlfor editors josh endorSe Bel)31'deUo.dC<lPly cut ilM!lie Trapani and Teresa McGoff looking integrity of the Rii'view.as lfserious'8d. over my sliQ!1lder, I managed Wpen a .· vocate of limited government::o;.~!tefi lukewarm adVocacy ofBel)ardcllo. T4e such a mistake is made, the leade!)mWt only negative ' element they would aI- take the blame. It was my. fault. . ~., low me to ~nclude was that he is a po- . -Nathan L. Wurtzel'

~xards usc ofpcl}ver, and worst of alt; an

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It is almost impossible to gct a threefourths majority ofthe Assembly to vote on an impeachment. It proved to be the case this time. The Assembly failed to impeach Anthony 18-28-1 . Though they failed to get three-fourths. they did gct a super majority. That should have told Anthony something. After this method failed the sponsors of the resolution decided to try the other method of impeachment, which is taking the resolution to the residential communities. It would require four-fifths of the residential communities to vote for impeachment for the matter to go to the Judicial Board. This turned out not to be very difficult at all. Eve!y residential community voted for impeachment. The lowest percentage was in Hinman. but that was still seventy-five percent. With the residential communities voting unanimously for impeachment. the matter was to go to the Judicial Board now. Its passage there was do ubtful , considering many of the J-Board members had been appointed by Anthony and were his friends. We will never k now what the J-Board would have done. Antllony resigned before the case could be heard. In a telephone conversation with Anthony, I asked him why he decided to resign. He felt the charges were without merit and the J-Board would have vindicated him, but he did not want the honor and the integrity of the J-Board to be questioned. He knew people would have never known if they vindicated him because he deserved to be or because they were his appointees and friends. He also said resigning was the best way he could help the SA move forward. It was in too much turmoil to get anything accomplished and he knew he was at tile center of it aU. He felt if he resigned things could get done. He could never start his agenda with all the controversy on campus. Anthony did tell me he plans to nan for President again in the next election. Some people never learn. Amy L. Gardner is a senior doub le ma-

joring in PPL and philosophy.

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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PAR[JCJN

ELECTION DAY"

DEcEMBER 1996

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VOTED

A loyal Republican freshman's view ofElection Day

By Jason J. Kovacs

d finally, it was upon us. Election Day, 1996~ the day erica would elect a President that would lead the nation into the 21 lt century. I woke up feeling philosophical. Of course, I only felt that way so it would appear I was taking Dole's impending loss in stride. Even though I knew, and everyone else knew, that Big Bob from Kansas was going down, and going down hard, it still hurt as if he had just lost a nail-biter. At 8 :00 in the morning, it was hard to imagine Bill Clinton as a two-term President He just doesn't fit the mold. When you think of two-termers, you think of George Washington, Thomas Je1ferson, James Madison, James Monroe, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Ronald Reagan; in other words, great men with stellar leadership that this country can be proud of. It was hard to.place Bill Clinton in that class. With all ofhis scandals and ill-advised policies, both here and abroad, I had always assumed Bubba would lose his bid for reelection. Bob Dole would be the one guiding America as I received my college diploma, and as I looked for that first job; not this incense-breathing, tree-hugging, womanizing, pot-smoking, draft-dodging loser from Arkansas. I once read an old issue of Wired, that forecast a terrorist's nuclear bomb destroying the island of Manhattan in 1998. Who was there at our darkest hour to remind us as Americans that we can overcome this tragedy? Bob Dole was. So in the middle of October, I proudly cast my absentee ballot for Mr. 15%, Robert J. Dole. While scanning the morning papers, I noticed the New York Times was describing Qinton and Dole as '~warriorswho were each closing their final campaign." That was true in a bizarre sort of way. For Dole, at 73 years of age, this would likely

end his career ifhe lost. Clinton's case, however, puzzled me. What would he do with the rest of his life if he lost? The man is only fifty years old What if he did lose? Where would he go? Back to Arkansas? After being the most powerful person in the world for four years, going home to Little Rode seems like a fate worse than death. Somehow, I doubt that he will ever go back. The day seemed to drag on amid professors and NYPIRG volunteers urging eveJyone to "go out and exercise your right to vote." In thisMTV generation, I wondered who most of the students would vote foras if I didn't know. Still, I was optimistic Qinton would not take this campus by too much of a landslide. (yeah, what was I thinking? You can easily see I'm only a freshman by my ignorance here of the p0litical persuasion of most oollege students.) I have a hard time imagining why most students voted for Clinton. When I asked this question, the answers I received ranged from "Bob Dole's old" and "He fell off a stage, didn't he?" to "The economy's in great shape thanks to Bill, and plus, he's going to protect us from cuts in education and student loans from those mean guys in Congress." The first two answers are so ridiculous that sometimes I wish the voting age was higher, but I know better than to question the 26th Amendment. Still, I can't believe some students would actua1ly not vote for someonejust because he's old Yes, Bob Dole is old; I'm not denying that fact. Yet, it's sad to see people basing their decision on meaningless items and not on the real issues. As far as the other reason goes, if you credit Bill Clinton with creating new jobs and restoring the health of the American economy, you might as well say he's responsible for the sun rising each mom-

ing, or for warm, fuzly puppies. The President can do little to improve the national economic landscape. Ofcourse, ifyou listen to some of the College Democrats around here, they probably tried to convince you that if Dole was elected, there would not be a sunrise on January 20, and flowers wouldn't bloom the following spring and maybe winter would never end Around 4:00, I trudged over to Newing College to pass out flyers for my favorite candidate for Congress, Sue Wittig. Sue was running against the archenemy of every moderate and conservative citizen of New York's 26th district, Maurice Hinchey: the man, the myth, the guy who got caught with a gun at an airport. What made the campaign for Congress even more intriguing for me was the fact that three summers ago, I had worked for Hinchey at his Kingston office. Yes, it is true. I know my conservative fans out there on campus, and especially back in my hometown, will be shocked to hear this, but it must be told Honestly, I wasn't a big fan of him back then either, but my Mom thought it would be really cool if I worked for a Congressman, so off to Hinchey's office I went every Monday and wednesday in the summer of '93. But then I grew up, and became a true conservative, and now I was here at BU campaigning for Sue. I thought it would be fun, handing out some flyers and mingling with the voters~ you know, just ajoUy old time. Then I met the Hinchey people. The first guy I met, Tom Scotto, was a nice guy who happened to be very enthusiastic about Maurice. He had the edge campaigning, since he was the Democrat, because it seems that students have a hard time voting for the Republican. So when a prospective voter asked our guy, Jeff Golant, what party Wittig represented, Jeff

DECEMBER.

1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• responded with, "The Freedom Party. Second to last on the ballot. Vote Freedom." I wonder how many votes we got because of that line. Excellent campaigning, if I am any judge of that. Hey, who wouldn't want to vote Freedom? If I had any doubt what part of the p0litical spectrum Hinchey attracted, it was gone when the Democratic Socialists showed up supporting Maurice. For those of you who don't know exactly where the Socialists stand politically, they're about a notch away from being Communists. Or, as one of the Wittig supporters said, they're simply the most honest Democrats. Anyway, the Socialists were championing Hinchey's excellent environmental record and trying to scare innocent voters away from Wittig by tieing her to "those radical Gingrich Republicans." My response to these claims was, "That's right; she is a Gingrich Republican, which means that she is for lower taxes, a balanced budget, less government, and for guaranteed student loans. I also added that Hinchey is the fifth highest

ELECTION DAY,

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

spender in Congress, and I called him a liberal a few times, but I don't think it worked. It seems that anywhere else, calling Hinchey a tax-and-spend liberal would be a negative thing. Not here. For a lot of students, who have been so indoctrinated with the "Gingrich is Satan" thinking by the mass media, all Republicans to them are Newt Gingrich, which means that they are evil, rich, white, male, country club members who are tl}'ing to take away student loans. Ironically, it was not the Socialists, but the less extreme College Democrats who really used the scare tactics to the fullest extent. Is SUNY really in any danger of being cut out of existence? I think nol Maybe a few less popular departments are being merged to save money, but I would hardly consider that a cut, much less a ''plot to get rid of SUNY." Listening to the College Democrats, you got the idea that if Sue Wittig was elected to Congress, her first bill would be to dismantle the entire State University of New York. First of all, as a member ofthe House ofRepresen-

Vis~ the Student

• •••••••••••••••••••••••• tatives, she would no control over SUNY. Most importantly, Wittig is as much proeducation as is Hinchey, quite posgbly more so. Wittig simply· wants to balance our nation's budget today, so we can have money for education tomorrow. Yeah, that certainly sounds like a radical idea. Eventually, my two hour shift at Newing ended, and I went back to my dorm. Sometime around midnight, I checked the results on CNN. Yes, Clinton did win, and, thank God, the Republicans did keep control of Congress. Looking at the exit poll for the 26th district, I saw Hinchey was up 570/0-43%. It was not a good sign. The final results would be closer, but Hinchey did win a third tenn. I walked into the floor lounge and saw the last Wittig '96 poster still up on the wall. Reaching into my pocket, I pulledout a pen, and crossed out the "96." In its place, I drew a huge "98." "We'll be ready, Maurice," I said "Just wait."

Jason J. Kovacs is a freshman majoring in history and computer science.

Association Home Page

http://www.sa.binghamton .edu All groups can now obtain space on the SA Web Server, including a ~eb page and e-mail accounts. For more information, contact Dan Michles at x6503 or e-mail satech@ server.sa.binghamton.edu

BINGH AMTO N REVI EW

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DEATH

OF BU

D EC EMBER

1996

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Multiculturalism lias made BU borillg ami feeble By

Alex Galitsk y

university is what college be- flood the campus with tons of litera- know about how little money some cOllies when the fa cility loses ture full of lies and ridiculous demands, groups get and the lion's share thatthe interest in ils students, said organize senseless rallies to fight for other groups enjoy. Perhaps they John Ciardi . What happens when the equal rights, and proclaim "No justice, should. Maybe then they ' ll have less students lose interest in the university? no peace." Listening to them, an unin- sympathy for those who claim to be "opBinghamton University will die slowly formed person can conclude that Bing- pressed for the last 504 years. " and painfully unless Ule majority of the ham ton is under some kind of a Nazi For many years the mulliculluralists students stop hibernating and take action regime. Actually. that 's exactly what have been the driving force behind the againsllheeviiforccsofmulliculturalism the mulliculturalists want people to diversity requirement. I bet that the that arc on a mission to control the cam- think. They may not believe in what majority of the students on this campus. This mission is being performed un- they arc saying themselves, however pus do not want to see the diversity reder the disguise of underrepresentation. this docs not stop them from persuad- quirement implemented. Most students One of the re- ~-----------------_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.., oppose the divercentmullicuIturalsily requirement ists' posters said, simply because it "No Taxation of is a requirement Student Fees Withand it takes away out Representaprecious college lion." Funny they time for taking should mention courses that they that. The Black v 0 I u n tar i I Y Student Union and choose. Others opthe Latin Ameripose the requirecan Student Union ment because of have the biggest philosophical reabudgets among all sons. They do not cultural groupswant to take $17,400 each. Jewhighly politicized ish Student Union courses that ungets $17,000. This dermine the roots is taking into conof the Western sideration that Civilization . Jewish students Then, how can represent roughly Binghamton University: From vision to excrement? one explain that in a third of all stuthe recent Harpur dents on this campus. Perhaps you ' ll ing others. College referendum to expand the Curbe interested 10 know how much money The SA uses an incremental ap- riculum Committee (i.e. increase the the Irish Student Union gets. Don't proach in allocating the money for each impact of the proponents of the diverhold your breath- $300. that's all . Is chartered group. This means that the sity requirement on the curriculum) the this fair? budget for each group stays practically undergraduate students voted overBSU and LASU leaders, the muIti- the same from year to year with vcry whelmingly 241-145 for the passage of culluralists ' corc, arc the ones who few exception s. Most people don't the referendum?! The answer lies in the

DECEMBER.

1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• fact that only 386 students voted. The multiculturalists took this number and declared that the students want the diversity requirement more than ever. Jesse Benjamin, Graduate Student Organizatiog President proclaimed at the recent Harpur College Council meeting, "The referendum overwhelmingly passed the undergraduate constituency of Harpur College. A mandate has been given. Undergraduates approve of diversity and want to see the requirement implemented." Fortunately for the students, the faculty saved the day. The faculty rejected the referendum by a vote of 96 to 59. Is that a major surprise? Not really. After all most of the faculty members first and foremost think about the welfare of their own departmen~. They'd rather prefer the money go to their departments instead of subsidizing the unpopular and bankrupt programs. Philosophical reasons certainly contri~uted to the failure of the referendum despite the fact that most of the faculty mem-

DEATH

OF BU

bers are left wing. The low turnout always helps the multiculturalists, the vast majority of whom do vote. On the other hand the silent majority does not enthusiastically participate in the election process or pay enough attention to what goes on around them. Most of the students simply do not care. This apathy is very dangerous, and the multiculturalists know how to take advantage of it. It is clear that if the students spoke their mind by casting a vote the referendum would have never passed among the undergraduates. According to NYPIRG 80% of registered BU student voters cast their ballot in the 1996 national election. This shows that students are not totally apathetic to the democratic process. Why don't they vote in such large numbers on campus-related issues? Perhaps the most common response would be that campus politics do not matter. This may be true at times. Yet, whether you will be forced to take two extra courses in

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

"oppression studies" or get less money for your group activities matter personally more than some national bill that provides money, say for building a homeless shelter somewhere in Mississippi. Not to say that the latter is not important. You just don't feel a direct impact on yourself. The multiculturalists are the termites that destroy this university from within. The termites do the damage invisibly. For now this does not interfere with the administration's plan to preserve the squeaky clean image of BU. However. the time will come when the infrastructure will collapse like an old building blown up with tons of dynamite leaving nothing but loose bricks and dust. Unless the students realize that they need to take action against the multiculturalists, don't expect the donors to put flowers to the university tomb. Alex Galitsky is a senior majoring in history with an adjunct in the School of Management.

Have You Been Written Up By Your RA? If SOl call a Student Association Ombudsperson for free advice on university legal proceedings An Ombudsperson will ensure that your rights are respected

x2020

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BINGHAMTON REVIEW

••• •• •••••• •••••• •• •••••

THE RIGHT SIDE

DEc""IDER 1996

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Top 10 Conservative Holiday Presents 10. "UI' Benardello" Make-YourOwn Submachine Gun 9. Chia-Gingrich 8. "Look Ma! I Can Disenfranchise the Poor All-By-Myself Game 7. Hickory Farms "Bust of Reagan" Cheese Sculpture

6. Socks-Made from Socks the Cat 5. Eau de Buchanan Perfume

4. Junior Tobacco Lobbyist Kit 3. "Not in My Party" Fruitcake 2. A Clinton Resignation 1. A Government Shutdown

13 .............. ......... . THE RIGHT SIDE

~1996

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

•••••••••••••••••••••••••

Fair Abuse? Our spies in Cold Copy found this charming ca~oon on a computer. Fair Use honcho Rich "Beef" Barley admitted that it was to be used in last week ~s issue, but they had a change of heart, saying it was tasteless. We at the Review operate under no such constraint, so we decided to print the cartoon. Grow some balIs, Fair Use' Or at least grow up.

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BI NGHAMTON RE V IEW

1996

•••••••••••••• ••••• •••••

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perl. . e Our hilarious humorist declares his ca1ldidacy for tlte 2000 preside1ltiaL eLectiof/s amidst a sea o/beer, raw meat af/d a1ltLers

By Gordon Sharpless

mU Sl admit the excitement of both the campus elections and the prima ies have really th rown me into the campaigning mode. So much that I recenUy decided I should nlll for President of the United States in the 2000 elections. I'll have met all the qualifi-

ca tions-I am a natural born citizen, I ' ll

be old enough. I'm breathing, and I have no idea what I' m doing. Recently I held a press conference to announce my candidacy. Judgi ng by the turnout. I wi ll assu me you, the reader.

weren 't there. So, as a service to my fellow concerned citizens. I will sum mari ze the proceedings. I expect that upon reading it , YOll , the concerned citizen, will have a clear idea of where I stand

on the important issues we face and wi ll have a firm idea as to whether you will support my presidential bid in the year 2000 . T his press conference was hcld on March 16 at Mitchell 's Ribs. Spuds and Steak house- four fine brands of beer on tap-located just minutes from 1-8 1 in downtown Virgi l. New York . Mi tchell docs the cooking while hi s

lovely wife Margaret serves the customers. Bingo o n Th ursdays. Ea rly Birds at 7 PM sharp. I began wit h a long-winded speech wherc I summa rized the Statc of thc Union (not as good as it will be after I'm elected) . outlined th c direction thc count ry necds to go (t he direction I wi ll lead). what wi II happen upon m)' election (prosperi ty for all. cspecially m)'-

self as I' m guaranteed employme nt for four yea rs with a real cool pension when I' m done). the problems our country faces now (all the problems to which I have a solution, any problem to which I ha ve no solution is not really a problem) and who is to blame for all these problems (my opponent). What 's that you say" I don ' t have a n opponent for the 2000 presidential race? Well then, how about I blame government in gene ra l? I cou ld say govern men t is to blame for everything. therefore whe n I' m in charge of the government. the gove rnment wi ll no longer be the problem even though I said government was

the problem . Wai t a minute--<loes this make any sense to you'! Me neither. Okay. I blame l<llk radio and ta lk television .

Fina ll y. I pointed out that if we had family va lues all our problems would be solved- thus I outlined my plan to turn family va lues into law. Byexecu-

tive order. with the stroke of the special Fa mily Va lues Memorial Pen. the

same pen used by that great exa mple of Fami ly Va lues. the Rev. Jimmy " Dammit , I shou ld have paid cas h"

Swaggert. I will sig n the Family Values Law. This prompted the first question of the evening from my audience.

It was from a Mr. Edga r Lillieton of Willet. New York . " Excuse me. Mr. Candidate for President. just what exactl y is the Family Va lues Law'?"

" It is a law that says a ll citize ns of the United States will observe and adhere to family values." "Thank you Mr. Candidate. you have cleared things up for me." " Glad to help." I went onto outline my plan to abo lish the IRS- which in summatio n says that upon my inauguration I wi ll im-

mediatel y put Super Glue in all the locks at the IRS headqua rters in Washington. This prompted numerous questions from my aud ie nce. The first one was from , once again . Mr. Edga r Littleton of Willet. New York. "Sir, what abou t the other IRS offices'?" " I will be pl ac in g Si ll y PUll), i n everyone 's desk." " And thi s will be to prevent th e wo rkers from getting to the material s contained in their desks?" "No. it will be for them to play with . Haven ' t ),ou ever pl ayed wit h Si ll v PUlly'! It 's fun. I have some with me here. " The seco nd qucsti on camc fro m a

Mrs. Evelyn Littleton of Wi llet. NelV York. "Edgar. didn't we have so me Silly PUlly with us o n tha t trip to Saranac Lake las t year?" " Hu sh. Evelyn . The rest of th ese peo ple dOl>'! ca re to hear about wha t we did with Silly Putty o n our trip to Sara nac Lake last yea r."

"Actuall)·. we do." I added. A ma-

rHN

DECEM1lER 1996 ........................ ·lmOJ~

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...................15. BINGH AMTON REVIEW

jority of the concerned citizens in a t ~ side oT Syracuse, 'Willie 's World of lost control of the si tuati on. The eve nts te ndan ce agreed . At thi s point th e Wheels. '" or the evening far outweig hed any conLittleton s took thei r leave, with Mr. " You ' re appoi nted, " tributio n one indi vi dua l could make. Littleton overheard saying, " Evel yn. I "Do n ' t hire him- he 's a thi ef. I I now knew what being president was think we still got some of that Si lly bought an Oldsmobile off of Willie back all abo ut. I was reminded of a sloga n Putty in the hall closet. " in 1962. Damn if that thing wasn't my I often hear during th e elec tion yea r: Mr. Warren Eskridge of Lisle, New father 's Oldsmobile," said Mr. Bertram " Nobody for President. " A s logan York had the next question : " Now what Wi ndex1erham of Smithville Flats, New based on the obvious fac t of j ust who yo u need wit h this Super Gl ue? My Yo rk . is truly qualified for the job and who brother-in-law Danny-he owns some At this point an argument ensued so is capable of actually solving the probheavy equipmen t- why him a nd me, I took the oppo rtunity to prese nt my lems that exist both w ithin our bo rwe' ll just go down there wi th his doze r plan of how concerned parents could ders and throughout th e world. Noneand level the durn building. " become more involved in the education thel ess, knowing what wonderful benI now had a Secretary of the Inte- of their childre n. efi ts being President has, li ke getting rior. " Don ' t buy a n O ldsmobi le from to run red lights and hav ing entire questions Will! " ye lled Mr. Windexterham as state forces pick up wo me n for Having firmly settled abo ut my position r --"-- ' - - - - - - - - - ' ' - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ' - - - - - - , you. I had to press on fa mily values and o n. taxes I mo ved the My motorcade di scussion to my poof one pulled away from Mitchell ' s sition of what I believed th e role of the Steakhouse and United States should hcaded out to the be in o ur evc rinterstate and on to cha nging world The Royal O rder of economy. Rea liz ing th e Moosc . Elk. that we had to assert Gazelle, An telope ourse lves as th e and Other An tleaders of th e 2 1st le red A nima ls ce ntury I ou tlined Lodge 42, located in Pulaski. New my poli cy which e mph a s i zed Yo rk . As we ap America's ability to proac hed Syracuse I tu rn ed to my be a n innovator in product developdriver, Dominic. me nt a nd promowho was chewing

Gordon for President

l ion. I an noun ced that my international trade representative would be Ed McMahon. " Well how abou t the Co mme rce Department. who 's goi ng to be the head of the Co mmerce Departmen t, that's what I want to know." This ca me fro m Mr. William Castl e man of Truxton . New York . I replied that it would require further study as I wanted to be sure that I could match the important responsibilitics of the position with an individual hav ing proven success in the complex world of commerce a nd also being a perso n of unquestionable c haracter. .. Aw. hell. young man, for forty-two years I ran a used car lot o n the so uth

Mr. Castl ema n k nocked him over the h ead with th e moun ted bass that Mitchell caught at the tourn amen t back in 1973 . " Sec. th a t's what's wrong wi th thi s country. too many people going a round hitting each other upside the head with a fish . Yo u want to ta lk abo ut our c hildren 's education. how do you educa te c hildre n when we go t Will and Bert over th ere smacking each oth c r around with a fish that 's been dead for over twenty years?" At this point it became apparent tha t my bid for th e presidency was going to be slightly delayed as a full sca le brawl had taken ove r the room. I had clearly

on one of th e steaks he smuggled out of the restaurant during the melee- it didn ' t matte r they were raw, it was too dark to tell anyway. " Dominic, what docs this country reall y need in leadership'/" " Someone w ho can cook a good steak , man, this thing is tough ." " True, but for the co unt ry. I mean. what docs a president rea lly do beside make speechcs, ride around in a limo. shake hands w ith other heads of state. have access to the chief executive toilet?" " ('ve heard it 's quite nice. the seat has a n electric warmer for those cold wi nter mornings."

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16 .................... ... Âˇ'JjU:IJ~ BIN GHAMTON REVIEW

" Okay. but ser iou sly, would it be morc effective to stand in front of the

public and talk about family values and the deplorable state of our inner cities a nd our horrible public education systelll. or would it be more effective if I announced that New Jersey 's law banning self-serve gasoline would be declared invalid'?"

" I think you 'd get Jersey on that one alone- add to that a plan to pull the toll booths at 16E a nd you'd be a shocin. Just come up with a simHar practical plan for the other states and you ' re the next president. For Virginia, invalidate the law against radar detectors. In Pennsylvania, require all employees of the Department of Transportation to

â&#x20AC;˘

'~HI,

DECE.,,",ER

1996

I ~~.,. ....................... .

drive eighty miles every day, and each day on a different road. Basieally, go for the things people face every day. You can talk big ideas all you want, but if it isn't something folks deal with a lot, it won 't have any effect. Take those people back at the restaurant. You think they care about NAFTA? NASCAR maybe, but not NAFTA. Get ' em where it hits home." " And where are we going next?" ' Some lodge where a bunch of old guys wear antlers on their hc.1ds and drink lots of beer and burp. Not all that different from where we came from , except for the antlers of course. I couldn't imagine Bert back there with antlers on his head."

"Yeah, but he looked pretty good with that mounted bass wrapped around his neck. " Upon my arrival at the lodge I was immediately mistaken for the man who delivers the beer kegs. Not having any, I soon found myself surrounded by fifty angry old men wearing antlers of assorted varieties and burping a lot. We ran for it and Dominic successfully got us off the lot as a Thompson's Gazelle antler bounced 01T the roof. "These people don 't care about politics, they want beer!" I yelled. "Is this America? What about homelessness, crime, drugs, poverty?! " "People don 't care that much. J mean to say, those men do care. Those issues matter, but if it's not happening in their own backyard, well, give 'em beer instead."

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"So what are you saying, as president, ignore these issues and serve beer?" "That's not entirely 01T the mark. If people don 't see it, then in their mind, it's not happening, a nd you're not likely to convince them otherwise. You . can't dictate day to day living from a big building in Washington. Or create policy that will be equally effective in Washington state as WaShington, D.C. The country is too big, too diverse. What you saw tonight was one small segment of society. Can you tell me that what is good for a partner in a large Washington, D.C. law firm , will be equally good for our friends back at Mitchell's Steakhouse? Or vice ve rsa? Can 't do it-<lne size fits all government is a failure ." My vice-president, Dominic the Driver. Meanwhile, we headed back down 181. "Nobody for President" looked better and better-but a heated toilet seat-hmm. Gordon Sharpless is still on the campaign 'rail. We las l saw him near Youngstown, Ohio wearing the antlers

from a pronghorn antelope and burping a lot. This article original(y appeared in April 1996.

DECEMllER

1996

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BINGHAMTON R EV I EW

AMY: BYE BYE

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A look back at cold beer and warm memories

By AIllY L.

he time has come for me to depart the isolated world of college and enter into the " real" world. The prospects of this arc exciting and frightening at the same time. With my departure coming ever closer, I have been reminiscing a lot about my three and a half years here. They certainly did not turn out the way I expected. Some aspects exceeded all expectations, and others were extreme disappointments. When I arrived here on a hot, sunny day in August, I was excited at the prospect of livi ng away from home and enjoying a freedom I had never had before. I was starting a four-year journey through college, not sure of where I would end up. There was so much to look forward to, so many new people to meet, and new things to do. This excitement and hope did not last very long. I discovered dorm life was not all it cracked up to be. It had always looked like so much fun in the movies and on television . No one told me how hard it is for a bunch of strangers, trying to figure out who they are and testing their new found freedoms, to live together. My roommate and I did not get along. Their was always constant bickering between people in my suite. None of us were really happy living with each other. One pleasant thing I discovered was that college classes were not as hard as I expected. In fact, I did not find them very hard at all . I did not have to do much work to do well . They scare you in high school by tell you how much harder college is going to be. I expected I would spend hours and

Gardner

hours studying every day. This worried me, because I had never really had to study before, and I was not really sure how to do it. I reali zed that classes here required you to put more thought into your work, not that you had more work to do. At the very end of the first semester is when [ got started down the path that brought me to where I am today. That is when I joined Binghamton Review. I had no intention of joining. I had gone over to the Union on a Thursday evening in December to attend a College Republicans meeting. [ had attended their last meeting and felt it was a group I wanted to be involved with. When [ got to the meeting there was only one other person there. This person turned out to be the then editor of the Re vi e w, Bernadette Malone. It turned out the College Re-

publicans meeting had been cancelled.

Bernadette took an immediate interest in me. She was excited by the fact that I was a young conservative woman . There are not many of us around. She invited me to come down to the Review office to chat until the Binghamton Review meting started at 8:00. We sat around thc office chatting and other members of the Review started to filter in . They too were exci ted about havi ng a new recruit. It became time to go to the meet-

ing. There I met more members of the staff and was invited to the Re vi ew Christmas Party that weekend. I went home that night excited by the fact that [ may have found my niche. I decided I would go to the Christmas Party and get to know these people better. The party was a lot different than most parties I had attend in college . Everyone dressed up for the party. There was not a bunch of people crammed way

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BINGHAMTON REVIEW

•••••••••••••••••••••••• too closely together. Rather than warm flat beer flowing form a keg, the beer was actually cold. Not being a huge beer fan. I opted for the wine that was being served. There were also a few professors that attended the party. As a still naive freshman, I was shocked by this. I did not think professors actually mingled with students. I had a good time at his party. I found group of people I could discuss issues with seriously and agreed with me. As was typical of me at this time, I had too much to drink. This is where I earned the title that would stick with me for the rest of the year and would become a Review tradition to pass on. I was crowned "the drunk freshman," which was later shortened to just "the freshman." This year we will be crowning the fourth "freshman." After this party I became permanently entangled with the Review and the campus conservative movement. My involvement with the staff of the Review led me to my involvement in many other things. The most important being my employment with New York State Senator Thomas W. Libous. I started working there at the beginning of my sophomore year. I think I have learned more working there than I have from any of my classes. I started off doing a lot of the grunt work: an-

AMY:

BYE BYE

swering phones, making photocopies, making coffee. As time went on I was entrusted with new and more challenging projects. I have had the opportunity to be involved in all aspects of the political process. My work there has better prepared me to enter the "real" world. If I had not worked there I do not think I could be leaving here in a few weeks with the confidence that I will succeed in all my endeavors. I met some of my best friends working on the Revi ew. I met my best friend here, Teresa McGoff, during my sophomore year when she started to attend Review meetings again. She had attended them her sophomore year, but had stopped coming her junior year. She decided to come back her senior year. We started going out to eat after meetings together. Eventually others started to join us. Going out after meetings has been a time honored tradition of the Review. Teresa and I have grown much closer over the past two years. When I leave here in a few weeks I will miss her most. We have been through many ups and downs together. I take great pleasure in having worked to corrupt her. Many would be shocked by the things that come out of your mouth now, Teresa. You were never really the puritan people thought you were. You

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DEcEMBER

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•••••••••••••••••••••••• just had to learn to let it all out. I wish you the best of luck finishing up her Masters in Public Administration. It may sound corny and sappy, but I hope all your dreams come true. Another close friend I met while with the Review was Nathan Wurtzel. It has definitely been an unusual friendship. Nate started out as my TA for PSYC Ill. We both joined the Review the same year. We have been through its many stages together. We watched the Review almost disappear under the editorship of Mike Darcy, and we got to watch as Nate resurrected the Review last year. This year I have been proud to continue what Nate had started. Nate also introduced me to his best friend from high school, who was a very important part of my life for over a year. I thank Nate for bringing us together. We may not have stayed together, but I will always cherish the time we had. I will miss being a part of the Review. It has been a significant part of my life for the last three years. I wish everyone on the staff the best of luck. To next semester's editor, John Carney, I know I am leaving the paper in good hands. To those of you who wonder what I am doing with the rest of my life. Next month I am headed off to Washington D.C. to work on Capitol Hill and continue the conservative battle, which we seem to be winning at the moment. I can not say that I am sorry to leave Binghamton. I have learned a lot and grown up here, but I have gotten what I can out of it. It is time for me to move on as we all must do.

Amy L. Gardner is: (1) a senior double-majoring in philosophy, politics, and law and philosophy,· (2) the editor-in-chief oj Binghamton Review; (3) an aide to State Senator Tho·· mas Libous; (4) definitely not a "token" female; (5) the fourth female editor in the history ofthe Review; (6) the eleventh alcoholic editor 0/ the Review; and (7) out o/here!

DECEMBER

1996

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YEAR

I')

IN PREVIEW • •••••••••••••••••••••••• BINGHAMTON REVIEW

A wild and whacky look at ti,e 1997 that could be

By Nathan L. Wurtzel

urice Charney, who teaches a popular class in literary omedy at New Jersey's Rutgers University, mentions three surefire rules in comic writing that have sustained me to this day. First and foremost, he says, there are only two items that are unmentionable: the family of an individual and a debilitating, unavoidable illness. This first rule has no doubt buffered countless thousands who have had the wonderful experience of Charney's pedagogy from the PC menace. I am not a "sensitive" humorist-I tell it like it should be told. Charney's second rule is to know the history of comedy as well as modern cultural comic influences. Professor Charney, in addition to teaching his class in literary comedy, is an expert in Shakespearean literature. In his comedy course, Charney demonstrates just how funny Willie the Bard is once you figure out what the hell he's saying. I had Professor Charney in mind a few weeks ago when I spent two hours jotting down what I thought would be a forgettable Shakespearean parody called "Macbenardello." Published in another fine campus literary journal, "Macbenardello" became a small sensation, to the point where it has been translated into 26 languages at last count and is now scheduled to be a full-length feature film starring Sly Stallone as the title character. One of the reasons "Macbenardello" went over so well. I believe. is that it used a classic icon of (dare I say it?) Western culture to shine light on a dismal situation. Finally, Charney makes sure to inform

his students that all good humor contains a grain of truth; that is, every successful joke has a basis in fact. One piece of comedy that stands out in my mind is a fake presidential campaign commercial that ran on Saturday Night Live last month in which Bob Dole was urging blacks, women, and homosexuals to stay at home on Election Day. This commercial satisfied two elements of truth: (1) there is a perception, especially among the upscale white liberals who write for SNL, that the Republican Party is geared towards white males; and, (2) regardless of the veracity of the former assertion, the Republican Party does not make enough effort to speak with and recruit women and minorities. I have written a "Year in Preview" for four consecutive years-last year's masterpiece appeared in the fledgling publication Common Sense, which immediately folded upon printing my article. I have always been amazed that at least two or three of my predictions-which are complete nonsense-manage to occur during the ensuing year. For example, last I predicted that Pat Buchanan would lead the field in the early presidential primaries because he held a narrow advantage in brain cellsfour to three-over Phil Gramm. Indeed, this was the case, as Gramm was out of the picture after three state caucuses and Buchanan scared the living daylights out of the Republican mainstream for a few weeks before succumbing to Bob "Mr. Excitement" Dole. This wasn't supposed to happen-it never occurred to be that anyone could possibly support Buchanan. Nevertheless,

Gramm's stupidity in valuing greenbacks over grassroots opened the door for Buchanan to grab the conservative wing of the party. Incidentally, John Carney of the Review played a major role in the Buchanan campaign, so if you see him, make sure to thank him for his effort. In summary, I'd like to say that none of the following should actually occur as written, but something inevitably will come true from this ensuing list. Hang on to your hats, folks, 1997 is going to be a bumpy ride. And of course, a Happy Hanukkah, a Merry Christmas. a KickAss Kwanzaa, and a safe and prosperous New Year to all. And now to the virtual videotape: January I-The New Year is rung in and exciting football bowl games are on tap. In the Raph Nader Corporate Nightmare Bowl, The Northwestern Endangered Undomesticated Felines are defeated by the Tennessee People Who Are Not Forced to Play This Game. In the Phillip Morris Charred Lung Bowl, the Penn State "What the Hell is a Nittany Lion?" Nittany Lions are upset by the Texas Global Forest Depleting Bovines. And in the Lois B. DeFleur Pass the Buck Bowl, the Nebraska Oppressed Shuckers of Maize are victorious over the Virginia Tech "What the Hell is a Hokie'l" Hokies. 2-To top off Bowl Fever, the Florida Endangered Vestigial Reptiles are beaten by the Florida State Oppressed Native Americans in a game that causes PC types to soil their pants in disapprobation.

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

•••••••••••••••••••••••• 7-An omen of the next few months is observed as New Hampshire, Iowa, and Florida vote overwhelmingly to reimpeach former SA President Anthony 1. Benardello. 10-Vowing to get a jump on his competition, former California congressman Bob "Mad Dog" Dornan enters the 2000 presidential race. No one cares. 16-Delaware, California, Washington, and Maine vote to send former SA President Anthony J. Benardello to the showers. 22-Exciting new scientific discoveries from outer space are realized as the same folks who found ice on the moon announce that they have discovered a fifth of Chivas Regal on Neptune and some vermouth on one of the moons of Jupiter. 23-The will of the states continues to be expressed as Vermont, New Jersey, North Carolina, Oklahoma, New Mexico, and Hawaii vote to remove former SA President Anthony J. Benardello from political activity. North Dakota passes an additional law forbidding Benardello from claiming Ayn Rand quotes as his own. 28-The Whitewater investigation rolls on as 31 Clinton Administration officials are indicted on charges of "complete ineptitude." 30-Thirty-three additional states and the District of Columbia vote to impeach the living daylights out of former SA President Anthony 1. Benardello.

February 3-In a continuing effort to prove the value of affirmative action, Binghamton University hires a gazelle to the position of Vice President for Grassland Affairs. 6-Montana, behind a strong turnout from "Freeman" supporters, votes to retain former SA President Anthony J. Benardello. Arizona, which never liked the Martin Luther King, Jr. holidayanyway, votes to replace it with an Anthony J. Benardello holiday. II-Buy me a drink if you see me today. It's my 26th birthday! 15-Getting an early jump on the 2000

YE.AR IN PREVIEW presidential primaries, retired General Colin L. Powell, who-I am not making this up-held a 26-point lead over Vice President Gore in December, says he might be a candidate. 21-Sending psychologists back to their diagnostic guides to redefine "masochism," former SA President Anthony J. Benardello declares himself to be a candidate for the 1997-' 98 school year. 26-The SA presidential field is completed as Benardello, LASU stealth extremist Fernando Restrepo, WHRW news reporterette Geillan Aly, and pipe dream drivel artist Brent "Voice of Repetitiveness" Landau are set to square off in the first round, with the top two finishers set to receive a lovely set of dinnerware and a trip to the runoff.

March 2-SA Academic Vice President Jeff Golant, apparently determined to remain in student government forever, adds his name to the list of those running for SA President. 7-Campus activism is again at the forefront as NYPIRG and assorted fellow travellers protest the state budget, which proposes to give a whopping 75% increase to the SUNY system. "Hey, we've got to protest," says BU's NYPIRG big cheese Christian Klossner. "How else can we justify the $47,000 a year we extort from students?" 13-The controversy over who will run the SA elections is resolved when President Chris Abdoo, who wanted the League of Women Voters, and disgraced ex-President Anthony J. Benardello, who wanted the Imperial Stormtroopers from Star Wars, settle on the first 0.1. Simpson jury. 25-Former President Jimmy Carter is indicted by the Whitewater special prosecutor, who notes that Carter has been "way too nice and effective as ex-President. He's obviously hiding something. " 31-Continuing to present itself as a ''voice of reason" for underrepresented people, Binghamton University hires the Pillsbury Dough Boy as Vice President for Baking Affairs.

DEcEMBER 1996

•••••••••••••••••••••••• April I-In a result that surprises no one with any knowledge of past SA Elections, Anthony J. Benardello completes a stunning comeback by winning the presidential election by a count of 4,000,000 to 1, 1, 1, and 1. "It looked fair to us," says the original Simpson jury. 7-The Kansas Endangered Predatory Avians defeat the Fresno State Borderline Criminals to win the NCAA basketball championship. It-President Bill Clinton attempts to fire the Whitewater special prosecutor and replace him with the original Simpson jury. 19-The Pillsbury Dough Boy is removed from office amidst strong protest from four members of the faculty, including the charming TiffanyPatterson, who claim the Dough Boy is "whiter than snow," and therefore can't represent anybody. 29-Retiring SA Academic Vice President Jeff Golant starts a new chapter of the Hair Club for Men. May 3-Paco the Porcupine, the loveable pipe dream cartoon character, is found dead at the side of the road The prime suspect is SA Vice President for University Programming Andy Hollander, who is still smarting from the infamous "Paco and all the People at Homecoming" cartoon. 9-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, still suffering from approval ratings reminiscent of Benito Mussolini, makes a critically acclaimed guest appearance on Friends, where he tenderly explores a homosexual relationship with Chandler. 19-1n his first day in office, SA President Anthony 1. Benardello removes the entire Executive Board, reasoning that "if there is one sane person out of X persons, then it only goes to follow that if you divide Y persons by the hypotenuse Z, you get me." Benardello gets a call from H. Ross Perot, who commends him on his sterling logic. 22-The spring semester comes to a close, with many thoughtful people re-

DECEMBER 1996

••••••••••••••••••••••••• flecting on their upcoming years at BU by attempting to transfer to another school. June 5-Attempting to cash in on Newt Gingrich's stunning television performance, President Bill Clinton makes an appearance on Seinfeld, where he is promptly booted from the set after trying to touch Julia Louis-Dreyfuss's butt. IS-After what seems like six zillion years of testimony, the verdict from the Simpson civil case is in : "Not guilty." The foreman of the jury, before driving away in a new Ferrari, is quoted as saying, "How could such a generous man harm anything? I don 't believe it." 27- 1n a further attempt to bring peace, love, and understanding to the Binghamton University campus, the administration appoints Michael Jackson to be the director of the campus pre-school. July 4--America celebrates its independence

YEAR IN PREVIEW with firecrackers, barbecue, and the release of Indep endence Day 2: Th e Search for More Money. As is custom in Binghamton, 18 inches of snow covers the ground. 9-Getting an early jump on the other Republican contenders, former Tennessee governor Lamar (!) Alexander enters the 2000 presidential race, He wears a stunning silk chiffon shirt to the press conference. 18-[n a stunning development, conservative commentator and quadrennial presidential candidate Pat Buchanan is discovered dining with a dozen Hispanic immigrant supporters, smoking Cuban cigars, and driving around in a soupedup Lexus, This is widely believed to be the end of his career, 23-The Whitewater special prosecutor indicts Hillary Rodham Clinton on charges of "impersonating a First Lady," 31-Newsweek reports that Pat Buchanan is, in fact, gay, and has been living for many years with a male partner, known to the world only as "Ralph Nader,"

BI NG H AMTO N R EV IE W

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August 4- ln a sneaky move, the Graduate Student Organization holds its annual election, where President Jesse Benjamin, running on a platform strongly dedicated to making himself look like the biggest fool in history, is reelected by a vote of 1-0, 10- [n a spirit of openness and understanding, Binghamton University appoinls Captain Planet and the Planeteers to take over the Department of Environmental Studies, II- Wasting no time, prestigious Halvard University follows BU's lead by selecting Barney the Dinosaur to be the chairman of the Department of Archeology. 12- Capping off an important week in higher education, Yale University taps Rodger Summers to be its Vice President for Student Affairs, 30-Once again, the school year opens and on ce a ga in , Bin g hamton University 's Harpur College has no diversity requirement. " We' re going to get 'it next year, I just know it! " says diver-

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

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YEAR IN PREVIEW

DEcEMBER. 1996

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ton, mayor Richard Bucci is easily reelected, despite the efforts of the Colofficers. Unfortunately, in their haste, lege Democrats. In New York City, the September 2-Wasting no time, SA President An- the Public Safety officers mistakenly surprising Mayor Rudy Giuliani trithony J. Benardello appoints six bring Pam Cooking Spray instead of umphs over tough Democratic opponent Pepperidge Farms Gingerbread Men to pepper spray, which allows the protest- "Reverend" AI "Possibly Dumber Than Jesse Benjamin" Sharpton. And in the the Judicial Board, which aggravates ers to slip into the meeting. existing tensions between Benardello 3-Buoyed by their success of the night Garden State, governor Christine Todd before, the Keebler Elves I Binghamton Whitman is reelected to a second term and the powerful Keebler Elves lobby. S-In his weekly foreign policy change Coalition takes over the Couper Admin- over Democratic opponent Nicky "The announcement, President Bill Clinton istration Building and demands that Squid" Cavatelli. declares war against the United States. Keebler cookies be served in the dining 5-Bob Dole finally has a nervous to-Always striving to maintain a halls. In a school where building take- breakdown. "I can't believe it," he cries strong voice for affirmative action and overs are as common as PC administra- in anguish. "I lost! I lost to that fat, lechdiversity whenever it can, Binghamton tors, nobody cares. erous hillbilly'" appoints National of Islam speaker 13-Academic Vice President Jeff 21-Showing evidence of an organic Khalid Abdul-Muhammed as the new Golant, who technically is out of office, brain disorder, SA President Anthony Vice President for Student Affairs. Most but refuses to give up his tide, spends 1. Benardello declares himself a candiJewish students see the Summers I several nights at the Couper Building, but date for the 2000 presidential race, inMuhammed swap as an improvement. is thrown out for eating all the cookies. stantly splitting the one-tenth of one 21-Concerned supporters from the 27-The controversy on campus rages percent lunatic vote, which was earKeebler Elves I Binghamton Coalition further when it is discovered that SA marked for Bob Dornan. disrupt the first meeting of the Student President Anthony J. Benardello has 30-In yet another attempt to break Assembly by throwing cookies at the been ordering items such as "The Vi- down the barriers of racism and replace representatives. brating Breast-O-Matic" tax-free them with the global village of multi26-ln a bit of a surprise, Texas gover- through the offices of the Student Asso- culturalism, Binghamton University, finor George W. Bush throws his hat into ciation. nally doing something right, fires its the presidential ring. Here are exclusive 31-For the fourth year in a row, Bing- Vice President for Affirmative Action. excerpts from his announcement: hamton University announces its list of "Nope, not gonna be like Dad- acceptable Halloween costumes, which December wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. All this year include power hungry and posI know is if I have the choice between sibly insane Student Association offic- 4-Building off of the surprising success 30 and 40 smart guys and one moron ers, authors offorged racist memoranda, ofhaving six clueless Supreme Court and for Vice President, I'm gonna take a and New York State Appellate and Su- Appellate Justices speak about diversity smart guy. It's just common sense." preme Court Justices. the year before, Binghamton University President Lois B. DeFleur invites six October November plumbers to talk about the annoying 2-All hell breaks loose at Bingham- 4-OnIy three years until the presiden- heartbreak of "pants that ride down and ton University as Keebler Elves I Bing- tial election of 2000, but other local races show your butt while you 're working." hamton Coalition protesters attempt to are at the forefront today. In Bingham- 18-Tragedy strikes the university as the fall semester ends when University Full Service Florist President Lois B. DeFleur and SA President Anthony J. Benardello are found dead with their hands \\Tapped around each other's throats. Not knowing what Boutonieres to do. confused students hit The Pub and Corsages Delivery to SUNY party all night. Balloons & Tri-Cities Area 31-The ~all drops in Times Square. Wire Service revealing great news on the ticker: uClinton Indicted" break into a Student Assembly meeting, but are met by spray-toting Public Safety

sity ayatollah Jesse Benjamin.

PAT VAN TUYL Vestal Plaza, Vestal. NY

138~O

(607) 798-1600

(800) 798.7287

Nathan JJTurtzel would now like to be known as The Writer Fomlerly Known as Nathan fVurtzel.

DECEMBER

1996

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QmBBLES &BITS

General Banknapcy

Don 't Worry-They Drift Left

A Luntz Research poll shows that 53 percent Generation X-ers believe that the soap opera General Hospital will last longer than Medicare will. (National Review, November 11, 1996)

Arkansas Republican Gov. Mike Huckabee was in Washington last month to attend the Conservative Leadership Conference. When he was asked why he was not joining every other Southern male in creation on the opening day of deer season, he opined that he would not feel comfortable "being out in the woods with 300,000 registeredDemocrats, all ofwhom are armed with high power rifles." (Washington TImes Weekly, December 8, 1996)

Vote Young, Vote Often

A 14 year-old who registered to vote during a rock concert last summer had no trouble getting into the voting booth this November. When he filled out his voter registration card, he listed his birth year as 1956 and signed his real name. Republicans, who normally frown upon voter fraud, can take solace in the fact that the boy asserted he voted a straight GOP ticket. (Washington Times Weekly, November 24, 1996) Just The Highlights

An inmate in Britian's Parkhurst Prison hit upon a novel way to escape. He decided to use a yellow fluorescent-yellow felt pen to color his body. He hoped to make people believe hewasjaundiced and get transferred to a less-secure hospital. The plan was foiled when a guard saw him coloring himself. (Reason, January 1997) And They Haven't Even Met Lois

Saudi Arabia's top cleric has denounced travel brochures as a "great evil." Sheik Abdul-A7jz bin Baz warns that traveling to the west could expose Muslims to temptation and corrupt their souls. (Reason, January 1997) They Make Informed Decisions?

For a different take 011 the president you should check out the unofficial Bill Clinton Web site (v~"\\w.clinton96.com). Somewhere between the lampoon and conunentary, it claims that White House staff members make informed decisions based on "town meetings, public opinion polls, news periodicals and the Magic 8 Ball." (Washington Times Weekly. November 10. 1996)

Bubba, Bubba, Toil, and Trouble

Pollsters were not the only ones foreseeing reelection for President Clinton. The New York Center for the Strange surveyed 340 American witches, who agree that "Mr. Clinton will soundly defeat Bob Dole on November 5." The witches also predicted that the baseball Dodgers will return to Brooklyn. (Washington TImes Weekly, November 10, 1996) Thumbthing In The Way He Moves

In Amsterdam police used a novel way to capture a suspected mugger. They took the tip of a thumb bitten offby one of his victims and matched it to prints in their files. The alleged assailant called the man who bit off his finger a cannibal. (Reason, January 1997)

BINGHAMTON REVIEW

• •••••••••••••••••••••••• They Also Can't Tell The Difference Between Coke and Pepsi

In Spain hundreds of panicked people called TV and radio station switchboards after a newscaster broke in with a report showing spaceships hovering over New York City. The report was actually an ad for the movie Independence Day. Text at the bottom of the screen clearly labeled it as such. Jose Luis Andarias, the ad executive behind the campaign, said, "apparently people can't watch footage, listen, and read at the same time." (Reason, January 1996) We'll Make a Trade--Sbelby Steele for Tiffany Patterson

In an interview PBS and the Hoover Institute, Shelby Steele, a black scholar was quoted as saying, "If my benefits come to me as a black and not as an American, then the effect over time is to undermine common society-the common culture and democracy of America. I as a black don't identify with America-America is my enemy. This kind of thinking causes me to not to move into the American mainstream. Which correspondingly causes me to fall further and further behind." (Washington Times Weekly, December I, 1996) ~r

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PO Box 6000 Binghamlon, New York 13902-6000 607-777-213 I, FAX 607-777-2533

December 5, 1996 Dear Rodger: I would like to extend my congratulations on the superb job you and the staff did in making the "BU: Better Understanding" event a smashing public relations success. I don't know how you and University Relations managed to convince the media that six out-of-touch judges meeting with two dozen students, Tiffany Patterson, and me constitutes "better understanding," but you pulled it off! Consider yourself off the hook for that "inch-long scratch" thing last year. I have spoken to Jeffrey Ross about other programs of this nature and am delighted to learn that we have many other opportunities to involve tiny crosssections of students, faculty, and administrators in these diversions, I have enclosed a brochure, but here arc some of the highlights: ·Louis Farrakhan and Mark Fuhrman, for a small fc'C of$50,000, will come to eampus to teach about tolerating and accepting those with whom you disagree. ·Six former Reagan administration officials, who have finally bc'CO parolod, will instruct the university community on the importance of ethics and integrity. oO.J. Simpson, ifhe's not detained, is available to give a lecture on women's issues and how men should deal with them. ·Richard Jewell, that security guard from the Summer Olympics, is available to discuss the importance of exonerati ng those who have been faslely accused.

Please don't tell Jeff Golant about that last one. You know what a pain in the ass he is. Cordially,

/c1--J The Prcz STATE UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK AT BINGHAMTON

, BINGHAMTON REVIEW Binghamton University P.O. Box 6000 0 Binghamton, NY 13902-600

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