April 1, 2024 (Vol XXXVI, Is. X) - Binghamton Review
Editor-in-Chief
Arthur O’Sullivan (executed)
Managing
Shayne O’Loughlin (defenestrated)
Copy Desk
Midas Leung (beheaded)
Business Manager
Siddharth Gundapaneni (burned
Social Media
Aiden Miller (Q)
Cover Designer Amanda Weinman
New Editor-in-Chief Buck Dixon
Staff
Comson
Contributors
Calan Ibrahim
Dear Readers,
This magazine is now the domain of Buck Dixon’s Mid-southern Methobaptist Church of United Strip Malls. Make way for the true path to salvation! Convert before the rapture occurs on April 19th, 2024! In the meantime, take this survey. Your answers will determine your salvation status.
Binghamton Review is fucking stupid
Italian-Americans Are The Real Italians
As a third-generation descendant of Italian immigrants, it’s not very often that I think about my heritage. The idea of being “Italian” is more of a simple fact about me than a way of life. I can only name a couple of cities in Italy, and my knowledge of the language only goes about as far as moving my hands around while repeating “boppa di boopi”. And although some may view my culture as “inauthentic,” I actually think it’s better that way. You see, while the people of Italy slacked off throughout the 20th century, the “wops” of New York City worked hard to make their culture the best it could possibly be. And as a result, Italian-Americans have become a “Version 2.0” of Italians, beating them in their own game. In this article, I’ll be exploring how us “greasers” outshine our native counterparts in every way possible.
The Entertainment
Naming an Italian film director is easy. Naming an Italian film director from Italy is near impossible. That’s because all of the best movies and TV shows depicting Italians are made by Italian-Americans. From timeless classics like The Godfather to modern masterpieces like Gravesend, the American media wins every time. Italian-made movies and TV shows can’t elicit the same emotional reaction I had when I heard Tony Soprano say, “take the gun, leave the spaghetti,” in Season 6, Episode 8 of Goodfellas. I had to stop watching that show because it made me consider dropping out of college to live a life of crime on my own.
Even in movies that aren’t about the mob, the Italian-American directors seem to do the best. Take Martin Scorsese for example. He’s the man behind such works of art as Taxi Driver and The Wolf of Wall Street. They’re both literally me!
The Language
There’s a reason why spoken Italian is indistinguishable from gibberish. It’s because Italians talk too damn fast and their words are complete nonsense. Nightmarish words like floregliocaprimontutto and splendovelosissimamente plague all spoken dialects of “proper” Italian. On the other hand, Italian-American words are concise and pleasant to say. You can address your friend as goombah or spice up your onomatopoeia with bada-bing. If you need to insult someone, nothing will hit harder than facciabrutt (“ugly face”), fugazi (“fraud”), or chooch (“jackass”). And if you’re explaining something, there’s always enough room to finish with a “Capiche?” Lastly, the names of foods like galamad, manigot, and gabagool are more efficient than what they were originally called.
The Food
Speaking of foods, let’s finally address the elephant in the room. The food in Italy is proof that you should never stop at a rough draft. Let’s start with the most obvious staple of Ital-
By Angelo DiTocco
ian “cuisine”: the pizza. You’ve probably already heard this opinion from a ton of people. This isn’t even the first time I’m complaining about it, as the Margherita pizza was ranked at #7 in my “Top 10 Worst Foods” article. Still, it’s worth restating. “Authentic” Italian pizza is nothing more than a small, thin ellipse of partially burnt dough, covered haphazardly with giant clumps of cheese and sauce, and then topped with random leaves. American pizza, on the contrary, is a well-cooked, neatly-organized dish that has a perfect combination of flavors and textures. Tell me, dear reader, which of these would you rather have?
This is bad enough on its own, but I am just getting started. For another example, not only are Italian meatballs smaller than their genuine American counterparts, but they skimp out on the actual meat and fill them up with bread crumbs, as if it was called a “breadball” instead. And they eat these things separately from spaghetti! If they’re gonna keep doing things in such an incomplete manner, they might as well be shitting without wiping. Oh wait…
Aside from having fixed native Italian foods, Italian-Americans have also put their bright minds together and invented some completely new dishes that everyone knows and loves. Appetizers like garlic bread, main courses like chicken parm, and desserts like rainbow cookies are all considered to be Italian but are nowhere to be found in Italy. Do you know what you will find in Italy? Tripe, which is the stomach of a cow. Not so appetizing, is it?
Conclusion
Over a century of hard work and innovation has propelled Italian-American culture to heights that native Italians couldn’t even dream of reaching. It is evident that us “Guidos” are winning in every aspect of life from our food to our entertainment. In this sense, I, and all other Italian-Americans, are more Italian than those who live in Italy because we participate in a culture that is objectively superior.
Why we need to bring the campus preacher back
By Calan Ibrahim
The First Amendment is the first because it is the most important. Freedom of expression is the acclaimed American ideal that separates us from the uncivilized countries of this world such as Canada. It brings passionate civil discourse, a dialogue necessary to fostering innovation and new ways of thinking, and a third thing. This is why, in celebration of freedom of speech, we must bring back the campus preacher. But who is the campus preacher?
Around early October of last year a man came to preach his fervent—completely compatible with the 21st-century—beliefs on the spine. Aided by his megaphone, burning passion, and a bit too much free time; A circle formed around him at the truly rare site. A dialogue ensued, and everyone who was there knows that said dialogue between him and his student audience was incredibly inclusive and captivating. It was so inclusive and captivating that two police officers even joined the crowd to watch (which is monumental because since 2020 everyone agreed that cops were all racist pigs that served no purpose in the greater fight for inclusivity). Tangent aside, I don’t want this to be some lame fucking kumbaya circle the second time around. No, what we need to do is to crank the conversation up a notch.
While the campus preacher came very prepared last time, with his bible, oversized shirt, and Paul Blart shades at hand; There was only one microphone present, and people dispersed in the crowd recording on their phones!
While the campus preacher came very prepared last time, with his bible, oversized shirt, and Paul Blart shades at hand; There was only one microphone present, and people dispersed in the crowd recording on their phones! This made the discussion very limiting in some aspects, mainly in the area of adequate sound and video coverage. This is not acceptable. Considering the state of American political discourse today, there are many improvements that can be implemented in order to make this conversation more fulfilling for the greater good of democracy.
What needs to be done is that we need to find suitable grounds to host the discussion, hire BSSL to
set up sound, get local news stations for video coverage, and get the mayor to cut a ribbon because once we get this event the proper treatment it needs it will put the hippy-dippy circlejerk from last October to shame. Ultimately, this will make the engagement on social media so much stronger. Which is the only thing that matters. If people have an ample supply of high-quality digital media to pull from the conversations can be a lot more substantive and inclusive which is more indicative of the spirit that the last discussion could not quite reach before.
Due to the abhorrent circumstances, it was hard to capture the wide array of diverse faces disrespecting the guy to his face. It was so diverse, in fact, that it would have given the Hollywood casters and Kathleen Kennedy a run for their money. As we all know, diverse representation, regardless of the circumstances, makes anything better so all I know is if we can make this event equivalent to the live aid of public bashings in terms of video and audio presentation, this would cement this as a monumental event in the history of Binghamton University and quite possibly Europe as we know it. There will be epic songs written of this day, boring museum audio tours with uncomfortable headphones that barely fit, and potentially another Kevin James/Adam Sandler movie that will be another box office flop.
Elon Musk said that social media is the new town square for political discourse, or something like that, and because he smoked weed with Joe Rogan that one time it makes this statement even more valid. As we all know from watching the news these days, democracy isn’t about finding common ground. No one in their right MIND would think that for a functioning democratic society to properly exist it would require its citizens to think on some level beyond their own tangible needs and consider other possible circumstances in a country of 350 million plus.
It’s about shouting at others, posting the sensational reactions on social media, and using buzzwords to make an argument like SUNY schools dump heaps of scrap metal on their campuses and call it “modern art”. We cannot follow the lines between the tiles by Bartle to find common ground. No, we must FOLLOW each other to increase our profile engagement because that is good for our self-esteems. I am nothing without the validation I receive from the notifications on my phone so this is what will turn America around and make it the peaceful utopia we all hope for.
Does Arthur O’Sullivan Pass the Physiognomy Check?
Don’t judge a book by its cover,” or so we’ve been told. Many of us have been taught at a young age that it’s what’s inside that really matters and that we shouldn’t let a person’s physical appearance bias our perception of him or her. But that’s just a pleasant myth. Knowledge bestowed upon us for thousands of years from our ancestors demonstrates that the mind and body are linked together. Physiognomy, the art of judging people by what they look like, back all the way to the times of antiquity. This ultra-scientific field of study has been lost over time, however, and is practically dead in the modern day. Here at Binghamton Review, we are all fearless scholars who hold an absolute dedication towards the pursuit of knowledge and truth, so we make sure to utilize even lost ancient wisdom such as physiognomy. The torch of succession for carrying the immense responsibility of the high quality of our magazine currently befalls upon the editor-in-chief Arthur O’Sullivan. Yet, not once has anyone in the e-board ever carefully examined whether Arthur truly is the man for this position. Sure, we could just look at his actual credentials, but such a method lacks sophistry and sufficient predictive validity. In order to ensure the future of Binghamton Review remains bright, it is time to give Arthur his long overdue evaluation using the physiognomy check.
Firstably, using the simple eye color chart, it’s clear that Arthur has C40s, which corresponds to “officers, officials, and diplomats” (Marshall, 1996; Philipp et al., 2023). This isn’t necessarily bad—far from it, and would normally suffice for the position of editor-in-chief at any other magazine, but it is not enough for Binghamton Review. For Arthur to be qualified, he would need to have A10s, which corresponds to “men destined to define eras and change history, who will be remembered for millenia to come,” but he comes several levels short of this. Another thing to consider is that Arthur’s jawline isn’t sharp enough for him to be considered worthy of being a chad, despite him being in fairly healthy shape. This suggests that he doesn’t engage in mewing enough, an orthodontic technique known to help sharpen the jawline (Cresci, 2019). This lack of effort in maintaining an attractive appearance signals low commitment, which goes against the psychology necessary for being an editor-in-chief. Moreover, Arthur lacks hunter eyes, which are narrow deep-set eyes resembling that of top predators in nature, suggesting he does not have the characteristics of an alpha male, putting his suitability for a leadership position into question (Sharma, 2019). To be fair to him, he does have slightly pointed—almost elfish—ears, which predicts being perceptive, intelligent, and ambitious (Sharma, 2023). This is good as it lends credibility to his position. One caveat though is that another characteristic of leadership that we must consider is the attitude towards the followers. Ideally, to be the editor-in-chief of a magazine as great as ours, one should be agreeable and compassionate, as the flip side of that would
By Comson Cao
be a high-functioning psychopath who will almost certainly demonstrate dictatorial tendencies if given power. This is where Arthur seemingly falls short. The clearest sign of this is the indentation above his nose, which correlates with untrustworthiness the deeper it is (Reith, 2015). Taken together, this suggests that Arthur is high in machiavellianism, with his main priority being self-interest through acquiring power without any regard to morality. In reality though, we don’t have to speculate about any of this, as it’s already a well-known fact among members of Binghamton Review that Arthur takes great pride in often disregarding the outcomes of popular votes on cover pages for the magazine. Not only that, but he also has a history of covering up things that make him look bad. For example, here’s a deleted tweet he had made after he got his 23andme results back (O’Sullivan, 2023):
Arthur deleted this, not wishing for it to hurt his position as editor-in-chief of Binghamton Review, instead of coming out clean to his e-board and honorably stepping down. This is clearly an effort to maintain power, consistent with the theory that he is high in machiavellianism. This paints a rather concerning picture for our beloved editor-in-chief. Based on all the lines of evidence presented, it is safe to conclude that Arthur O’Sullivan does not pass the physiognomy check. It would appear (haha get it) that he is unfit for the position as editor-in-chief of our glorious magazine, yet despite this, he has oversaw its production for all this time. However, it’s finally time that this issue is brought to light and given the attention that it deserves. If only the e-board was more wellversed in physiognomy, one of the most reliable ways of evaluating people as I have demonstrated, they might have been able to prevent this from happening. Drastic measures must be taken to protect the long-standing democratic tradition of Binghamton Review, or else it will be undoubtedly over for the last refuge of scholars. However, perhaps it is already too late, in which case, Binghamton Review has truly fallen, and millions must write.
Do Democrats Dream of MAGA Sheep? A Transmission from the Future.
By Known Neanderthal Arthur O‘Sullivan
Editor’s note: I’ve received some strange articles in my time as Editor-in-Chief, but I’ve never seen an article like this. The other day, “Arthur O’Sullivan” had sent me an article from an email I didn’t recognize. I had no memory of writing the message therein. Nevertheless, he bore all of my style and mannerisms, not to mention him knowing many private details of my life. To that end, I’m forced to believe his claim that this email indeed “comes from the future.” Contained herein is the cryptic email in full.
Subject: It’s me from the future! Donald Trump is president! The world has fallen! SEND HELP!
From: Arthur O’Sullivan (nikki-hayley-whiteknight-87@drumphresistance.org)
It began on January 20, 2025. Donald Trump had won his second term in November, narrowly edging Biden out after he raised income tax by 0.3% to bail Hunter out of Disney World’s Jail. In response, a hooded Biden called upon the ghosts of his deceased relatives Abd el-Fattah Saeed Hussein Khalil el-Sisi, Anwar Sadat, Hosni Mubarak, Saddam Hussein, Hafez al-Assad, and Benjamin Netanyahu, unleashing them as a “curse against America, to only be lifted once America falls to its doom.” I thought this was odd, but all my liberal friends on Bluesky told me that it was just Biden having an “old man moment.” Still, my skepticism remained…
At Trump’s inauguration on January 6th, 2024, he and VP Kari Lake took the oath of office on a signed copy of Art of the Deal and performed a ritual sacrifice of Rosie O’Donnell. After reading her entrails, the pair proclaimed a “Winter of Purification.”
That’s odd, I thought. I wonder why he did that. I didn’t think much of it then, and continued to defend him to a bunch of liberals on bluesky. They all said crap like “this is unprecedented! He committed a murder on live TV! Why isn’t the military stopping this?!”
But I knew the truth. I knew that Jimmy Carter did basically the same thing with Muriel Landers in 1977. Nobody told this to the woke generals in the military, though, who began to rally their forces to oust the Orange from the White House. Then, something happened that none of us could have predicted.
Trump had clones. In early 2023, he locked up a newly retired Anthony Fauci in his basement at Mar a Lago, forcing him to perform perverted experiments on Trump’s own body. Eventually, Dr. Fauci made the man into a real life Hercules, and using only a few epithelial cells, grew a batch of 807,000
clones. These clones were mostly outfitted with surplus materiel bought from a Walmart in West Virginia. The soldiers’ shock-resistant red “Make America Great Again” helmets, however, were custom-made in Venezuelan sweat-shops.
The clone forces quickly overwhelmed the military’s active personnel, and even reserve forces! Nu-Trump’s modified body was impervious to bullets, shrapnel, and indirect explosions. The military was desperate enough to deploy nuclear warheads, but the MAGA militia ran with preternatural speed in the other direction, avoiding each airstrike.
Within a week of his inauguration, Trump had complete control over the East Coast, and was massing his forces for a westward invasion. Refugees, especially the most liberal individuals of Generations Z and Alpha, began fleeing to Ohio for asylum. On God they swore that the state was safe—but it was a trap: Ohio had voted Red in the general election, and the residents weren’t happy to host a bunch of kids who wouldn’t laugh at Dilbert comics. Most were given up to Trump’s new “Dark MAGA Patriot Squads”; others (like myself) were forced to escape back to the Blue state of New York.
When I returned to my house in the Binghamton Westside, I realized something was strange about this situation. I saw on CNN, now a subsidiary of Newsmax, that all rioters at the Capitol Building on January 6 were given full and unconditional pardon. Several were even given cabinet positions. One which caught my attention was Jon Lizak—the former College Republicans president who was given three life sentences by Alvin Bragg—who was not only pardoned but given the position of Attorney General. In a speech at the J. Edgar Hoover building, AG Lizak promised that his DOJ would, “prosecute and persecute all the RINOs who held this country back, especially the LOSERS at Binghamton Review who denounced my patriotic actions on January 6, 2021.”
In a rage, I threw my William F. Buckley action figure and its jar-container at my television screen. Both shattered. I immediately picked up my landline to call Logan Blakeslee and Sean Harrigan, my fellow denouncers of Jon Lizak. There was no answer.
It was then I knew: it was too late. They were probably dead, and I was next. I rushed outside to get the next bus to campus. But just as I stepped on, the driver said the bus was full and threw me off—even though there was, like, totally space for one more! I knew this was Jon Lizak’s doing.
Nursing my scraped knee on the sidewalk, I saw a “Dark MAGA Patriot Squad” approaching me, about 500 feet away. In a panic, I began writing this down. They are now 400 feet away. If you receive this, please, SEND HELP!
“An Otaku’s Official Top Ten Waifu Ranking”
By Edward Lamarck
Everybody wants one, nobody’s got one. This April Fool’s Day, I am drawn to thinking of a warm Spring season. I think of the birds and the bees, of flowering and deflowering, and most of all: fertility. What better time of year to drop my objectively correct assessment of waifus from different anime, manga, and JRPGs? I will do my best to justify my choices and pray that they are not used against me in a future tribunal once the Otaku Revolution sweeps the United States. I solemnly swear that I have put more consideration into each of these rankings than I have ever put into my degree planning.
As a disclaimer, I will admit that my favoritism towards waifus changes on a frequent basis. While maturing from high school loner to model citizen, I realized that some of the characters on this list may not be the most ideal to marry if they were real. This is not due to any fault of their own, but my own inhibitions against personal injury. I accept this as a grave weakness on my part. Lastly, a proper waifu must be a compelling character and the term does not denote a female character who is little more than an obedient housewife. A waifu can be strong or meek, good or evil. It is her personality and charm that drives fans towards her, and I wish to show some affection for these 2D lasses because they really are some of the best female characters I have encountered in fiction.
Some honorable mentions will be included for the place they hold in my heart, but my arbitrary criteria excluded them from receiving an official ranking. Rest assured, I think of them just as fondly as any of the gals who appear in the top ten. Hopefully this entire endeavor will inspire a brave soul to create a top ten husbando chart, if
only for the sake of equality. Anyways, without further ado…
10. Rei Ayanami
from Neon Genesis Evangelion
I am fiercely competitive with other Evangelion fans on the subject of best waifu. Sadly, I get the impression that fans of this stoic, blue-haired clone are fighting a losing battle against Asuka Langley fanatics and Misato Katsuragi worshippers. For the uninformed/ socially well-adjusted, Rei Ayanami is an Eva pilot with a soft, demure manner of speaking. She might come across as a wallflower, but she is remarkably brave in combat situations and is strategically gifted as a pilot. The joy of knowing her is to experience a very gradual relationship; she shares her thoughts and interests bit by bit. I found myself relating to her deeply on account of having autism, struggling to understand my own state of mind during childhood and beyond. She longs for a purpose and suffers from nihilistic feelings, leading to outward signs of derealization and melancholy. The only reason she stands at tenth place here is because I don’t view her as fully compatible. Rei is a fascinating character nevertheless, and she deserves to be cared for.
9. Yuri from Doki Doki Literature Club
I solemnly swear that I have put more consideration into each of these rankings than I have ever put into my degree planning.
I once had this purple-haired poet as my Discord profile picture for a solid year in high school. Quiet, intelligent, and contemplative, Yuri is an adorable bundle of anxiety and very handy with a pen. I found myself engrossed in her moody poems and I immediately connected with her fondness for darker works of literature. As you will see from many other entries on this list, I gravitate towards waifus with obsessive tendencies and eerie proficiency with knives. Yuri is no exception. When Yuri said that she wanted to crawl into
my skin, I knew that she was the one for me. At the same time, her peculiar fixations are implied to be the result of brainwashing, which means that I have to give her ninth place as her craziness may not be genuine.
8. Shiro from Deadman Wonderland
This character was arguably the first I ever considered as a waifu upon learning of the word. She certainly set me on a path from which I can never return. Possessing a wide array of special powers and a split personality to match, Shiro is unquestionably psychotic and powerful. Still, her cutesy demeanor continues to override my higher reasoning abilities. Despite her odd, occasionally violent behavior and penchant for sweets, Shiro is kind and helpful to her allies. She’s playful and brings a welcome spark to life. As long as Shiro has people to care about, her positivity is limitless, and I find that to be an admirable trait. Those who can bring people up even at their lowest moments deserve all the praise we can give, even if they are the products of deranged scientific experimentation.
7.
Raphtalia from The Rising of the Shield Hero
Super cute and adept with a blade. Is there anything else I need to say? Raphtalia is a warrior at heart and she fights for all that is good in the world. That alone is commendable, but what makes her special is her unflinching loyalty to her friends. Her role in the story is to serve on the front lines of dangerous battles, protecting her compatriots with her sword and never hesitating to risk her life for others. She is by far the most heroic entry on this list. Aside from her combat prowess, I love her little moments of insecurity and jealousy. Deep down, she tries to balance her quest to save the world and her desire to settle down with the one she loves. She may have lived her early life as a captive and a slave, but
her spirit is that of a noble knight. Raphatalia may be #7 on this list, but she’s a champion waifu.
6. Albedo from Overlord
This woman is refined, elegant, and utterly mad (not to mention perverted). In-universe, she began as a video game NPC whose programming was altered so that she would fall completely in love with the main character. This had the unintended effect of changing her personality to be violently devoted to a big skeleton man (the aforementioned main character, Ainz). Albedo has nothing but contempt for humanity, but that doesn’t dissuade me in the slightest. She may very well be the strongest character on this entire list, capable of incredible amounts of destruction with her ax and magical spells. Additionally, she is one of the most intelligent characters in Overlord, a series rife with villainous plotting and scheming. Albedo does not hesitate to eliminate potential threats or rivals, and that kind of determination is very attractive.
5. Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki
The pinnacle of yandere manga and anime, Yuno Gasai reinvented a whole subgenre by showing how far a stalker girlfriend will go if her target does not reciprocate her twisted feelings. Yuno is endlessly entertaining to watch, not just because she’s delusional and collects sharp objects with which to do harm, but because she’s also vulnerable and traumatized from a tragic childhood. At her best, she’s the perfect wife–attentive, loving, and a skilled cook to match. At her worst, she’s prone to stabbing perceived romantic rivals and kidnapping her beloved. Yuno had no small impact on my preferences in romance since I was 14, even if she utterly terrified me at first. Once you peel back the layers of insanity, you’ll find a brilliant young woman who craves normalcy above all else. Any guy would be lucky to have her.
4. Rem from Re:Zero
This light novel series gave me a terminal case of maid uniform addiction. Rem is an oni (ogre) woman with unmatched talent in blunt weaponry,
especially her chain whip. However, she stands out from the competition by being a pure and kind soul with a clever mind. Rem is smart enough to outwit her opponents and set traps when needed. At the same time, she sometimes takes instructions too literally and will put in all her effort to ensure a given task is completed, no matter what it is. She cares about family and will use every ounce of strength to protect her own. Once a battle is over, Rem’s words of encouragement can melt even the iciest heart. These attributes will leave longtime fans asking one question: who is Rem?
3. Tharja from Fire Emblem Awakening
I will not lie, Tharja creeped me out the first time I played Fire Emblem Awakening on the Nintendo 3DS. The idea of falling in love with a stalker hadn’t yet embedded itself in my DNA until much later. I deliberately avoided romancing her and chose tamer, but still lovable characters as wives on my several playthroughs. Tharja is a raven-haired beauty with all the major perks of a goth girlfriend. She casts hexes on friends and foes alike, experimenting with the dark arts and annihilating enemies with her magic spells. Her morality is complex and hardly consistent, yet she is a fierce guardian of her allies and finds unique ways to express her affection, such as promising to haunt her beloved if she were to be vanquished in battle. Adorable!
2. Lucy from Elfen Lied
Readers don’t need a warning at this point for who this character is. Lucy is a complicated tragic figure who kills without remorse, but does so to lash out against a world that has wronged her. Like Yuno Gasai, she is a pink-haired stalker but is far more restrained in comparison. Like Shiro, she also possesses multiple personalities; one is innocent and harmless, while the other is cruelly sadistic. Lucy is cold and calculating, weaponizing her psychic powers to put an abrupt end to mankind. At least, that was the case before she fell in love. It goes to show us men out there that yes, we can fix her. You may be wondering why I
like this character so much, and I can’t really give a straight answer. It baffles even me. It doesn’t help that Elfen Lied was one of the first TV-MA rated anime I ever watched, so it definitely left a strong impression on me. Her monotone voice strikes me as alluring, and her hidden longing for a friend makes me sympathetic to her plight. That is all I can say for certain.
Honorable Mentions
Mizore Shirayuki from Vampire+Rosario, Tali’Zorah from Mass Effect, Revy from Black Lagoon, Ysolda from Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Rebecca from Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, Ashara Zavros from Star Wars: The Old Republic, Emi Ibarazaki from Katawa Shoujo, Kiyohime from Fate/Grand Order, Kali Belladonna from RWBY, Edelgard from Fire Emblem Three Houses, Miia from Monster Musume, Black Cat from The Amazing Spider-Man, & Cassia Orsellio from Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader
1. Camilla from Fire Emblem Fates Purple hair? Check. Royalty? Check. Obsessive personality and trusty with a giant ax? Check and check. Camilla is a princess raised in a society that rewards backstabbing and violence. As such, she grew to believe that the only way to keep her loved ones safe was to surveil them constantly, never letting her kin out of sight. Likewise, she is very maternal, yet also cultured and polite. I purchased Fire Emblem Fates (all three editions) just to experience her romance storyline and it did not disappoint. Camilla is the waifu that I would want to come home to each day, a welcoming presence who is also assertive and just a bit seductive. The fact that she can crush armies beneath her boots is an added bonus for us intrepid souls.
I have a really cool idea
By Heart-thur oh Soul-livan
Aspecter is haunting Binghamton — the specter of incel-ism. There’s no use denying it: Binghamton Review, once the refuge of scholars, has degenerated into a bunch of malodorous men—more terminally online than a WiFi router—vomiting their written screed onto a Google document, clicking the “share” button, and sending their works of ‘genius’ to editor@binghmatonreview.com. There, the man behind the account, no less miserable than his writers (but now with a thesaurus), is forced to edit their too-long or too-short or too-nonsensical soliloquies into something approximating a coherent article. One watches this occur, and can only sigh at how lonely these men must be, to use Binghamton Review as their crutch for socialization.
Needless to say, there is a crisis at our border: the border between Binghamton’s sanity and insanity. The loneliness of Binghamton’s men, especially those who would write for the Review, crashes like furious waves against the bulwark of our collective psyche. In simpler terms, this rot at the heart of Binghamton Review, and Binghamton itself, by extension, can only be saved by one thing: “bitches.”
Mistake that term not for something vulgar: I do not refer to the fairer sex of dogs, nor make any comparison to our own. I, in fact, take this term from our former (female) Editor in Chief, Madeline, who whilom inveighing against this tide of “incel-ism” in Binghamton Review, would admonish the subjects of her fulminations to “get bitches.” As right as she was, she missed but one thing: How?
Now, the old floppy-conservative Arthur would say that the only way to “bitches,” as it were, is straight and narrow. Man should not concern himself with attracting women as his final goal, but rather build his character—through things such as taking responsibility, going outside, getting educated, etc.— such that women naturally gravitate toward him. But did that ever get the old Arthur bitches? Not really. To this end, I, being reborn in the fires of incel theory, have a much better solution to the incel problem, one which combines the best of paternalistic central planning with the Oedipal relief of relinquishing all responsibility: the Stenger-mandated spouse.
I hear your cries already. “The what?!” “What’s a ‘Stenger’?” “HUH?!” “Take your meds!” But I am immune to your narrow-minded criticism. If you lay aside your trifling Liberal morality, you will come to see that my idea—more so than any other proposed in human history—will save Binghamton, if not the world!
First and foremost: I have named the “Stenger-mandated spouse” after our inimitable university president, Dr. Harvey Stenger. Under his wise and clement rule, many aspects of Binghamton have flourished. We have become the Singapore on the Susquehanna, and Binghamton University its crown jewel. What more fitting end to his rule could there be, but for him to banish the one shadow which has survived his brilliant light. By my proposed system of mandating relationships, Dr. Stenger has the chance to make loneliness as distant a memory
to Binghamton University as Smallpox.
Those of more acute minds might then ask, what actually is the “Stenger-mandated spouse”? It’s more than simple. Every year, thousands of freshmen find themselves paired with roommates—typically of the same sex—by our university’s Residential Life (“ResLife”) housing portal. Now, many people have bemoaned this system. One person might consider themselves a 7/10 on cleanliness, and hyperventilate when they see one dust particle out of place; another person may rate themselves the same, and have their room look like Hunter Biden’s apartment after a night of “light drinking.” This, naturally, breeds conflict. It also sometimes breeds the deepest friendships of peoples’ lives, despite the conflict. You know what else it doesn’t breed? Children. Indeed, our current roommate situation might breed conflict and friendship, but never romance.
The “Stenger-mandated spouse” system fixes that. Instead of assigning our best and brightest to a dorm with some smelly “roommate,” freshmen will be paired with a member of the opposite sex and common-law married (I don’t know what that is, but it sounds real) under the auspices of Harvey Stenger. Just like the good old days (the 1990s), divorce will be nigh-impossible, and likely end in the expulsion of one or both parties. Thus, those good-old-fashioned values on which we used to rely will be reinstated.
The benefits are too numerous to list. But I will anyway:
First: by marrying two students paired by ResLife, we no longer need two beds. One full-size bed will suffice for our newlyweds. This should reduce the size of our dorms by a few inches. On its own, that seems small, but scale it up up up… we’d save enough space to give Binghamton Review an office again!
Second: this will broaden students’ horizons immeasurably. With roommates, they learn some social intricacies. But with a mandatory spouse, they’ll learn that and more! Indeed, those who survive the crucible of my arranged marriage system will have the power to endure anything socially.
Thirdably and finally: dude just trust me it would be really funny.
I still anticipate some “moral” objections to my proposal. Some quickfire disclaimers: those seeking a same-sex or “other” gender spouse may receive special dispensation from the DEI chair (we are a welcoming university, after all); those too timorous to pair up with a “random” spouse can request—not unlike our current ResLife system—a specific person; to encourage romance and child-rearing, newlywed couples will be placed in regular mortal danger, only able to trust in each other, and all parties injured or killed by this program will have tuition refunded; all children begotten by this program will be raised as special janissaries to enforce this same program (it will pay for itself in a few generations).
With the “Stenger-mandated spouse,” all our problems become soluble. And if it doesn’t work, then my overarching “theory” just hasn’t been implemented right.
I’m Nikki Haley, and I approve this message.
Does Rodgers Edge Dick?
By Target “Tugboat” Thatcher
Every four years, the impending doom of the Presidential election looms over the heads of millions of median voters across the great state of America. Both the Republican and Democratic nominees and their respective handlers have, yet again, become the talk of the landfill that is Twitter (X sounds like a porn site, so I’ll refrain from repeating or using it). However, a new figure has entered the presidential dogfight, and I’m not talking about the one happening in Micahel Vick’s basement. Football extraordinaire and all-around “good guy” Aaron “Ashwagandha” Rodgers has been the talk of the town on X (oops).
Rodgers has reportedly been tapped by the Independent— probably soon to be assassinated—presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr for the role of Vice President. Rodgers, primarily known for his work as a guest on The Pat McAfee and The Joe Rogan Experience, has never held a political office in his 40 years of life. Kennedy and his supporters assume Rodgers’s experience as a podcast guest and as an MVP and Super Bowl-winning quarterback will be enough to push their ticket over the edge and claim the Whitehouse come November.
Rodgers’ strong resume raises the question: Will Aaron Rodgers be the next Dick Chaney? In the eyes of humble Bing Review journalist Hank Pecker, Dick Cheney is easily the best Vice President in American history, and he thinks Rodgers edges Dick every day of the week! So let’s do a quickie and allow Mr. Pecker to compare President—I mean Vice President Dick Cheney with Aaron Rodgers to determine who’s truly the “GOAT” Vice President.
In the following interview, Hank Pecker, a Fauci Conservative from Arkansas, details his take on Vice President Dick Cheney and potential Vice President nominee Aaron Rodgers:
Thatcher: “Mr. Pecker, you’ve indicated that you love Dick with a burning passion. Could you explain to us your love for Dick?”
Pecker: “I sure can, Target! Just need me a pack of Busch and some Wintergreen Zyns!” [beat] “Dick Cheney will forever go down as GOAT of Vice Presidents. Whenever I hear “Dick” my whole body starts tingling and the blood in my veins just starts rushing through me. I can even feel it in my DNA! When I hear “Dick” my DNA isn’t DNA anymore, it’s USA! For starters, Dick proved that Saddam Hussein and his cronies had those God damn WMDs, man. Good thing we were able to get that Fucker out of there and spread some good ol’ democracy!”
Thatcher: “Dick was very controversial for allegedly encouraging enhanced interrogation tactics like waterboarding to get information out of Iraqi troops. Do you have anything to say on this matter?
Pecker: “I loved it! I don’t know what the f-ing hell an ‘enhanced interrogation tactic’ is, but I know those sickos had it coming. They’re terrorists for Christ’s sake! Dick was God’s vessel and Dick struck those men down in the name of the Lord, Amen. Plus it allowed us to find that sick sick man and bring
him to justice. GOD BLESS THE TROOPS WE LOST, AMEN!”
“Sometimes on the CNN’s, I hear them talking about how waterboarding terrorists is bad. What kinda crazy ass world are we living in, man? CNN? More like TNN for Terrorist News Network! That’s the main reason I stopped watching that libtard shit and switched over to watching Chris Cuomo on News Nation.”
Thatcher: “Alright…wow. Very interesting response there Mr. Pecker. Not to belabor the point, but what are your opinions on people saying Dick overstepped with his advocacy with the NSA wiretapping phone lines?”
Pecker: “Does that stand for National Sex Agency?”
Thatcher: “What?”
Pecker: “uh…”
Thatcher: “Let’s just move on. I would like to hear why Aaron Rodgers appeals to you as a potential Vice Presidential candidate.”
Pecker: “Simple: he’s relatable! A-Rod’s the type of guy you could sit down on a beach with and just slam a 30-pack of Coors Light with. Not that libtard Bud Light shit. His opinions are even relatable too! For starters, he thinks that 9/11 was an inside job and you’re damn right it was. How the hell can steel beams just melt like that!? Science can’t even back that up. You know who DOESN’T think it was an inside job: DICK FUCKING CHENEY! THE GUY WHO WAS A PART OF THE INSIDE JOB! Touchdown Rodgers.”
Thatcher: “I believe that scientists have proved that jet fuel can burn at temperatures that damage the structural integ…”
Pecker: “Are you a scientist?”
Thatcher: “Moving on, what is your opinion of Aaron Rodgers supporting many conspiracy theories surrounding vaccinations and Jeffery Epstein?”
Pecker: “I support him 100%. Ya’know, the smallpox vaccine gave my wife’s boyfriend’s 4-year-old son autism. He’s forced to wear glasses now as a result, so I’m 100% behind A-Rod being anti-vax and fighting for the health of children everywhere. He even took on that devil Taylor Swift and her boyfriend by doing a Vax-off.
Thatcher: “Do you mind elaborating on what a ‘Vax-off’ is for our readers?”
Pecker: “Certainly Target. The easiest way to understand what a Vax-off is is to think of the movie Pulp Fiction. Specifically, the scene where John Travolta and Uma Thurman are dancing in that restaurant. Just replace the dancing with a nurse pumping A-Rod with ivermectin and Travis Kelce with the devil’s blood (Pfizer Covid vaccine).”
“The thing that really sold me on Rodgers was his hate for two of the most disgusting men in the world: Jefferey Epstein and Jimmy Kimmel. I would hope that it’s obvious why Jimmy Kimmel is hated, but many might not know who this Epstein fella is. Jeff Epstein, known New York financier with the island, actually was a child sex trafficker. Bad stuff people, bad stuff…”
Thatcher: “Yeah, I think we’ll just end this here.”
Baxter Flow
By Our Staph Infection
They thought that they could stop the bearcat in me. I’m more smoked than Oneida on a Friday.
This Pepsi got me feeling crazy, this Pepsi got me feeling like a can KILL a motherfucker!
Disc golf this, disc golf that… have you ever thought of disc golfuck yourself?
Got that yaba behind the Maryam’s for midterms week. Shit kept me up seven days and seven nights, don’t fuck with me, man.
My anterior bursa flaps emarginate like a motherfucker, I can hear the opps stepping up from a zip code away with concave-like accuracy.
Call me the public ivy the way I’m this loud.
My dick cums like the Fine Arts sculpture: fluid.
Started with a brick, now I own Cheese Club. Pipe Dream is my controlled opposition.
The C4 food poisoning got me flying on Classroom Wings. Don’t fuck with me man.
My BUC$ shorter than Harvey Stenger on his knees begging for hot dog juice. This shit ain’t NOTHING to me, man.
Snorting fentanyl-laced Tully salt on a rendezvous. I walked twenty miles.
You sucking me harder than the ice cold vortex of hell—I call that the Rathskeller.
Smoking straight Vestal Virgin Runts in the Nature Preserve. This shit ain’t nothing to me man.
I’m a bearcat. I’m in the zoo. We run this zoo at night. It’s a night at the museum, and I’m Ben Stiller.
Call the Rockefeller Center the clitoris. Cause I can’t find it.
Wind tonight higher than I am on that X-Hale kush on main street. Call me a pirate because I’m blown the fuck down.
They’re playing smash on the monitor while she whirring me better than kirby. I’m in her stomach! I’m wearing her like a bearcat skin in Fortnight. This shit means NOTHING to me man.
I’m stroking faster than the Chenango current. My arms don’t tire. My ropes are higher.
My battery charges faster than my charges of battery. In court.
She’s rivering on my cuomo. I’m weezing. I don’t care about this shit.
I’m cooking kush in the Old O’Connor kitchen hotter than Hiroshima. Killing rats in the hellpot.
Smoking fent-laced Appalachian pizza rolls. I slipped the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of God.
We smoke the Old Digman asbestos and see fent heaven. Ronald Reagan! I’m coming!
Went to the Wegman’s in Johnson City, put a gun against the cashier’s head, sent her to the netherrealm. When I was done with her, we threw her into the Susquehanna! No consequences.
I’m smoking ganja ‘till my eyes are redder than Sonic dot E.X.E.. I am god! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAH!
My Pipe Dream is the pipes I smoke, by fellatio! They talk about Gaza; I’m inhaling Zaza. This shit means nothing to me.
Smoked some Jerrys more Atomic than Tom’s. I woke up in Nassau County Court 1958.
I’ve got a penthouse on Riverside. The Resident Evil neighbors give me the shiver-side. They smell my State street salad.
Started driving on Vestal parkway under the influence of woke. She Bings on my Johnson till I Endicott.
2024 Grade Change Requests
By Xanax Anaximander
I, Xanax Anaximander, have taught philosophy and politics for many years at Binghamton. Since 19-dickety-thrembo, students have always been grade-grubbing. By handwritten note, by email, by a rock thrown through my window at 3 am etc., students would invariably demand some absurd “round up” for their crappy grades. The notes at least used to be brief. A typical email in 2010 would look something like:
From: brofrosh17@binghampton.edu
Subject: yo
mr. amander
i need this class to pass, but your teaching was ass. can u round up my C+ to an A-?
yuh, Joe Freshman
That was back when the process had dignity. Five seconds to read it, five seconds to write “no thamks. -Sent from my iPad.” But now, the advent of ChatGPT has yielded grade-change requests like the following enormity. [All of my commentary on this email will be formatted like this.]
From: brofrosh18@binghamton.premier.public.ivy
Subject: A Comprehensive Appeal for Reevaluation of Academic Performance with Emphasis on Nuanced Considerations and Scholarly Integrity [I think this was the title of my dissertation]
Respected and Esteemed Professor/Instructor/Grader Analimander [Still spelled my name wrong. “Respected and esteemed” also seem like a stretch],
I trust this message reaches you in a state of scholarly equilibrium and intellectual fortitude, amidst the ceaseless cadence of academic deliberation and the pursuit of enlightenment [It sure has. *pops another Xanax*].
I am compelled to initiate a dialogue aimed at the reconsideration of the grade that has been bestowed upon my academic endeavors in PHIL 111 - “Why I’m Right and Your’e Wrong”. Permit me, if you will, to elucidate upon the factors that I believe warrant your discerning appraisal.
The genesis of this discourse is an acknowledgment of the profound investment of time [ha], effort [HA], and intellectual vigor [rigor?] that I have indefatigably [I don’t know what that word means] devoted to the course material. From the inaugural moments of the semester to the culminating crescendo of scholarly inquiry [Your handwritten final essay-exam, which ended up being two pages of poorly drawn anime pornography and a string of threats against me?], my engagement with each lecture [the one you attended in January?], assignment [Brightspace tells me you opened Assignment 3 - Feminism in the Sixties at 3:31 a.m. on February 6th, and have been signed out ever since], and supplementary reading [there were
none] has been characterized by an unwavering commitment to comprehension and mastery.
The meticulous attention to detail that I have exhibited in the composition of essays [The ones that didn’t conclude with “Unfortunately, as a large language model, I do not have access to real-time data…”?], the formulation of analyses [You wrote in your essay that Spain was in Mexico], and the completion of assessments is emblematic of my steadfast resolve to uphold the highest standards of academic rigor and scholarly inquiry. [It sure is.]
It is with these considerations in mind that I humbly implore you to reconsider the grade that has been ascribed to my academic endeavors. [I certainly am.] While I hold in the highest regard the integrity of the grading process and the discernment exercised therein, I cannot help but feel that an reassessment of my grade would more accurately reflect the depth of my engagement [In the single class you attended, you raised your hand while I lectured about Konrad Adenauer and asked “Who?” After I explained who he was, you raised your hand again and said “Cares.” There were no laughs.], the rigor of my scholarship [Once again, consider your pornographic final essay. I still gave it a D—if only for my own amusement.], and the breadth of my intellectual growth over the duration of the course [The only growth I’ve noticed is the cirrhosis of your liver.]
In advocating for this reassessment, I do not seek to diminish the standards of excellence that underpin our academic institution, nor do I wish to impugn the authority vested in your capacity as an evaluator of scholarly achievement [I’m quite glad. It’s my only sense of authority in this institution]. Rather, my entreaty is rooted in a steadfast belief in the principles of fairness, equity, and meritocracy that form the bedrock of our academic community. [Your entreaty is rooted in the wild reefer you’ve been smoking if you think I believe a word of this. But you’re right, a reassessment would certainly yield a grade more reflective of your performance—even if it makes a pass-happy admin unhappy.]
In conclusion, I beseech you, dear Asalamander [Sic.], to adjudicate this plea with the same judiciousness and discernment that characterize your pedagogical approach [You mean half-drunk and wondering how I ever got tenure?]. I stand ready to engage in further discourse, provide supplementary evidence, or undertake any additional tasks that may facilitate a reconsideration of my grade. [That’s great, because the Xanax and Scotch I took earlier isn’t leaving me standing, much less ready.]
With sincerest regards and profound gratitude for your consideration, Joe Freshman
Thanks, Large Language Models, for making this so damn tedious. At least I have my standby response: “Nah. -Ananminder —Sent from my Samsung Intensity E54.”
Binghamton Review IQ Test
By A Real Psychologician
We call ourselves the “Last Refuge of Scholars,” but just how scholarly is our readership? To find out, our expert psychometricians have devised this aptitude test to reliably determine the IQ of an average Binghamton student/faculty/admin. Will you win? Take the test below to find out…
1. 7 + 12 = ____
2. Jimmy _____ to the doctor yesterday.
a. Goes
b. Goed
c. Went
d. Gave the middle finger
e. Height-mogged
3. You need to perform construction on major bathrooms in a college library. Students and faculty won’t be able to access them during construction, and the nearby smaller bathrooms fill up quickly. What is the best time to start construction?
a. During Summer or Winter break, so that construction is completed with minimal disruption to students.
b. In the middle of the Spring semester, when student use of the library is highest.
c. When students stop pissing on the floor or in the sink.
d. Never
4. The anthem of France is titled
a. Marche Lorraine
b. La Marseillaise
c. Le fromage et vin et les pedophiles raciste
d. Creed’s greatest hits album “With Arms Wide Open: A Retrospective”
How many diamonds do you need to make a full armor set in Minecraft?
a. 27
b. Isn’t this a kids game?
c. 23
d. 32
Which of the following is not a state?
a. New York
b. Chuckleberry
c. Alabama
d. Washington
Ok. Pencils down, no cheating. Please turn your sheets upside down and compare your answers to the key. Mark how many you got right, and compare it to our IQ matrix below:
10 correct: 100 IQ (highest possible score; upstate genius)
9 correct: 90 IQ (subnormal)
8 correct: 80 IQ (Physics, WGSS major)
7 correct: 70 IQ (History major)
6 correct: 60 IQ (Linguistics major)
5 correct: 50 IQ (Average IQ; Pipe Dream opinion columnist)
4 correct: 40 IQ (Pre-med)
3 correct: 30 IQ (Peak Binghamton Review)
2 correct: 20 IQ (English major)
1 correct: 10 IQ (Long Islander)
0 correct: 0 IQ (Zero detectable brain activity; BU Times Tribune Readership)
How did you do? Post your results in the QR code below. Data and analysis will be available soon after publication…
