3 minute read
Advice Column by Madeline and Dillon
Advice Column
By Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
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Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“What can I do to satiate my cravings for sweets?”
Well, seeing as Easter is coming up I see only one reasonable way to satiate your craving. This, of course, is finding some families’ easter egg hunt and stealing all the eggs before the children are able to find them. Then, you get the satisfaction of sweets along with the satisfaction of watching a group of children struggle to find eggs that no longer exist, not unlike the barren womb of an unsuspecting infertile woman. Checkmate.
“What can I do to encourage people to subscribe to my funny and charming blog, the s word, on wordpress?”
Binghamton Review is always open to discussing ad space within our issues. For further information, email editor@ binghamtonreview.com. Sorry, we’re broke; we need to milk you guys for anything you got. Can I have five dollars?
“How do I become famous overnight?”
WE ALREADY ANSWERED YOU DAMMIT!
“How do I get myself to stop hating the person wearing yellow at the bus stop? I really just don’t like their vibes. “
Instead of stopping the hate, you should let it flow through you. Internalize, gain power through it, until all you can think about is how much you hate this person who wears yellow. Then, after months of the hatred brewing, you can snap and randomly assault the first yellow thing you see, like a taxi cab, as you have long since forgotten what the person themselves looked like and instead just associated yellow with them. Or you can talk to them and see if you have an actual reason to hate them.
“Does Walmart sell Apple Gate hot dogs? I couldn’t find them the last time I was there.”
What is this “Hot Dog?*” Also, is Apple Gate the new controversy? I haven’t seen the news in quite a while.
*This is a sly reference to our upcoming film, “The Good, The Based, and The Ugly.” Keep an eye out for it on our YouTube channel, “Binghamton Review.”
“I just looked at the person at the bus stop again and it made me so angry. Their fit is not good. How do I stop with this anger?”
Well, I’m sure you’ve been seeing orange due to the mixture with this yellow attire. Anyway, what you’re gonna want to do is enter the world of The Giver. Everything will be black and white, so you won’t have to worry about ugly colors like “yellow” or “indigo.” Feelings like anger won’t even exist, so you won’t have to worry about stopping. Just remember, they euthanize the old, so enjoy your life while you can.
“hepl, I suffer from a rar disease that will kill me (through inhibiting what few of my acetylcholine receptors remain with naturally-synthesized curare) if i do not see the bighamton revewis penises in the next 48 houres. pls send pics--especilly the small one. Sincerely, Harvey G. Stenger, President”
Harvey! You’re back with more questions! We missed you. Anyway, we sadly cannot show you the penises of the bing review since we lost them all in the Great Penis Shirtwaist Fire of 2021. Also, you were always out of luck, since no one at the review has a small penis. It turns out the one person who said they had a small penis on our sex survey was lying to throw everyone off so they wouldn’t figure out who the killer is.*
*This is a sly reference to our last video, “Production Nightmare.” Find it on our YouTube channel, “Binghamton Review.”
“Finals are coming up, and I’m really nervous. What tips could you provide me for preparing for finals that might help?”
You know, I think I know of a tip that I can provide. (It’s my penis). Anywho, make sure to eat something before finals. This will help you stay focused and alert during your test. Will my ass do the trick?
“I’m trying to settle this argument with a friend about which came first: the chicken or the egg. Neither of us are really budging on this, and we need a tie-breaker. So which came first?”
The man.
“What should I do over the summer now that school is over? Seriously, my whole year has been stressing over school, so what do to fill that empty void in my life?”
