7 minute read
Press Watch by Our Staff
CampuspresswatCh
Written by our Staff
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We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
“‘Hangxiety’ is a common effect after drinking,” By Alexandra Medina, Pipe Dream, 3/31/22
“It has established a secure place in pop culture as a real thing that affects many, with different definitions being thrown around on social media outlets such as TikTok.”
Find a new social media app, my god! Also, I find it funny that you need to specify that the topic of your article is “a real thing” that “affects many.”
“But what exactly is hangxiety, and is it even a real thing?”
You literally just said it was a real thing in the last sentence! I literally just made fun of you for that! Don’t start doubting yourself now! Believe in yourself, homie! How else am I supposed to believe in you?
“Well, for one, it is definitely a real thing and is scientifically proven by researchers.”
Jesus Christ, I’m getting whiplash here!
“Alcohol initially boosts dopamine levels in the brain with an influx of gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA), giving you that liquid courage many strive for, but only for a certain amount of time.”
Umm, achcually, it’s not the GABA that increases your dopamine levels. Alcohol increases the activity of your endogenous opioids, which, in turn, indirectly increase dopaminergic neuron activity.
“After an interesting night of laughing, dancing and potentially oversharing, your dopamine levels have dropped.”
First, where is your Oxford Comma? Second, I find it offensive that you would assume I do that whilst drunk. You don’t know me. I would NEVER do that, regardless of my current intoxication levels. I’ll have you know that I most definitely do NOT “dance” while under the influence, thank you very much. Also, dopamine levels don’t automatically “drop”, unless you’re speaking in regards to the levels they’re at when you’re drinking. If anything, it’s the reaction to increased dopamine which makes you nauseous during a hangover.
“The struggle to regulate emotions can be attributed to a decrease in mood and cognitive function as a result of physical hangover symptoms such as nausea or fatigue.”
I hate it when my mood decreases :(
“Nauseous and emotional? Hangovers really are the worst.”
W- What is this? Is this an attempt at a joke? Is this a “how do you do, fellow kids?” moment? Why is this in the article? It doesn’t follow the tone established up until now at all, and sounds like Jerry Seinfeld floundering to keep his show running after running out of things to talk about up on stage.
“What we do have to worry about is the impact hangxiety and alcohol in general can have on our mental health and lifestyle choices, because it’s not the best.”
So… Second best then?
“As Beth Marsh, a research assistant at University College London’s clinical pharmacology unit, asks, ‘Is that tradeoff of that brief reduction in anxiety once you’ve had the drink worth it the morning after?’”
Yes. Next question.
“According to Marsh’s research, shy people often feel more intense feelings of anxiety after drinking than others. People who are predisposed with social anxiety, she theorizes, have a greater chance of feeling hangxiety because ‘there are more ‘gaps’ in the narrative for the anxious mind to constantly rerun.’”
Wait wait wait wait wait. You’re telling me that people with anxiety feel more anxiety after drinking?!?! HOLY SHIT! Discovery of the century right here! Can we get a round of applause? Groundbreaking research, truly.
“CNN’s study also claims that hangxiety may be linked to an alcohol use disorder, presumable [sic] because it may be a sign that you are drinking too much or drinking as a way to cope with negative emotions experienced while you are sober.”
The whole point of drinking is to “cope with negative emotions experienced while sober.”
“My advice, as well as the advice of scientists…”
Wait, let me guess; you’re about to say that we should drink less.
“...is that we should moderate our drinking habits if we want to rid ourselves of the self-deprecating feelings that come with our hangovers.”
Ding ding ding. We have a winner! What a revelation, did you come up with that yourself?
“Just because we are college students doesn’t mean we should abuse alcohol.”
Then what the fuck are we even here for?
“The loneliness pandemic is pressing for Gen Z” By Jacob Wisnock, Pipe Dream, 4/4/22
“There is a problem brewing in our midst — one which I reckon to be the greatest of our generation.”
Parking spaces? Is it parking spaces? I bet it’s parking spaces.
“Around 71 percent of millennials are likely to be lonely according to this study, with baby boomers faring exceptionally well at 50 percent — this is great news to me, since I, unlike some, have compassion for my elders.”
Good for you. You want a medal?
“In a 2021 global Ipsos survey, 41 percent of people reported “becoming lonelier over the last six months,” passing the Jacob Wisnock scale of loneliness.”
HOLY SHIT! THAT’S YOUR NAME! THAT’S YOUR SCALE! HOLY SHIT!
“I’d like to identify the root of this problem, but truthfully, I think it’s reductive to frame any particular advent as the primary cause of Generation Z’s loneliness.”
graphs saying that it was COVID and social media, but all of a sudden you don’t know the cause. *Sniff sniff* You smell that? Smells fishy…
“Video games, my personal poison, should also be considered as a cause of loneliness in my generation.”
Bullshit. The only reason that I have kept in touch with my high school friends is because we play video games online together. If not for video games, my self-identified loneliness would be high, according to the Jacob Wisnock scale of loneliness, of course.
“A lack of mask mandates had rendered such stores inhospitable to those with preexisting conditions.”
If your preexisting conditions are so bad that you think a short trip to the store is risking your life, chances are you’re ordering your groceries online, mask mandate or not.
“I still feel entitled to order Chinese food over DoorDash, but maybe next time I’ll invite friends over to eat with me.”
If there’s free Chinese food, I’m free for dinner whenever. I can be your “friend.” ;)
“Big Oil has even chimed in by using rising gas prices to encourage you to carpool or use public transport, for example.”
You do realize that “Why Rising Gas Prices Are Actually a Good Thing” by Gatt Magliano published in our last issue was satire, right? Also, I don’t think “Big Oil” is raising gas prices for the good of the people. Just a hunch.
“Our government should also find its role in the healing process.”
It’s role being to lift all the COVID restrictions and then fuck off so we can get back to our normal lives.
rable experiences” By Nicolette Cavallaro, Pipe Dream, 3/21/22
“We are all perfect and should never have to change due to other people’s opinions.”
There’s a difference between being comfortable in your own skin and claiming that you’re completely perfect and can do no wrong. There is always a way to improve yourself and be a better person.
“Skinny-shaming often comes in the form of harsh words like, ‘Go eat a hamburger.’”
Those are the harshest words I have ever read. I honestly cannot even believe that Pipe Dream would let you publish that. If someone told me to go eat a hamburger… Well, I’d probably go eat a hamburger because I’m hungry and hamburgers are tasty.
“In 2020, one blogger pointed out that they can’t even go to Universal Studios without dealing with systemic fatphobia, because places are just not built with them in mind. Nothing is more publicly degrading than going on a rollercoaster and then having to wait on the side while your friends have fun because the bars don’t fit over you.”
If you are too large to fit in the seat of the rollercoaster, you could possibly be flying out of the seat during the ride, resulting in serious injury or death. It is not because the designers don’t like fat people, it’s a safety concern.
“Men may be attracted to curves but they will still publicly denounce larger women and ignore them in favor of their skinnier friends. Of course, preferences are allowed, but not being seen or treated as human because of your weight is extremely taxing on your mental health.”
