BINGHAMTON REVIEW Comrades-in-Arms: Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXXI, Issue X
Yvonne Tyler Jordan Jardine Adrienne Vertucci Johnny Ramone Sarah Waters Shawn Kinge Matt Rosen Urban Exploration Society Comrade Pat McCauliffe Gemma Wattson Brian Murray Liberius Tardium John Restuccia Tommy Gagliano Jessica Charmant-Ortiz Mac Chasman Milton “Ko inkei” Gilbert
OPERATION RESCUE BOB MUELLER
PAGE 10 3 Editorial 4 Press Watch 5
Special Thanks To:
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Nicholas Maduro Elizabeth Warren Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Robert Mueller The Frances Beal Society Ilhan Omar The European Union Marx’s Righteous Beard Vice News Youth Climate Movement
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Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
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by Matt Rosen by Patrick McAuliffe by The Ministry of Truth Gov’t-Mandated GF by Milton “Ko inkei” Gilbert Prosperity is Exploitative by Comrade McCauliffe Yes Doesn’t Mean Yes by Gemma Wattson The Worst & Best Names by Liberius Tardium Conservatism, True Punk Rock by Johnny Ramone LGBTQ Drug Dealers Defy Tr*mp by Jessica Charmant-Ortiz The State Office Building’s Dark Secrets by The Urban Exploration Society MLK Jr, White Supremacist Scumbag by Shawn Kinge It’s Time to Legalize Post-Birth Abortions by Yvonne Tyler
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2
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Vol. XXXI, Issue X
EDITORIAL
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From the Editor
he revolution has been fulfilled. This paper is coming to you from an alternate reality of social progressivism and true wokeness. What you may know as the Binghamton Review in your world is actually the Binghamton Renew, a campus magazine at Binghamton University that is actually on the right side of history...by being on the left. Unlike the rigid hierarchy of the Review, we at the Renew have no titles, and work together in solidarity for the good of our cause. I am so sorry that our names are listed down the page, implicitly suggesting that some of us may be above the others; I will be sure to sign myself up for re-education camp right after typing this editorial. We are also using the People’s Font for our introductions: Comic Sans unites the proletariat around the world. As I have no intention of accidentally misconstruing my comrades’ articles, I will merely list the topics you can expect to find in our last refuge of Leninist scholars. We have clarifications on the explicit terms of sexual encounters, as well as a very good case for passing legislation (by democratic consent, of course) that allows the government (run by the people) to mandate that all lonely intellectuals are given their due diligence in the form of big tiddy goth girlfriends. We also explain why post-birth abortions should be legal, in solidarity with female-identifying persons and their right to control their health at all stages of the child’s life. The staff has compiled a list of both the best and worst names to give said child, should they survive past the mother’s whim or circumstance. I said it last year, and I will say it again. Surely this issue will be the one to stop Donald Trump. We have an analysis of the false Mueller report and AG Barr’s fake news conclusion on 45’s involvement with Russia. There HAS to be an explanation; the news has been covering it nonstop for two years! We channel our inner Vice News, the true paragon of hard journalism, and take a look at the #resistance efforts in Tampa, FL by members of the LGBTQIAP+ community that also happen to sell drugs. #TokesToToppleTrump has been trending on Florida’s Twitter for six months now. To root out white supremacy wherever it may lie, we expose supposed black hero Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as a pacifist, half-measure Uncle Tom that sought to keep black Americans down; compared to the appropriately violent Malcolm X, MLK Jr. has done nothing for black equality in America. Until the streets of the South burn and people are judged for the color of their (white) skin, celebration of King must cease. If you are oversaturated by these focused articles, maybe more general topics may suit your fancy. We are advocates for communal unity, and big industries trying to take advantage of poor communities through gentrification is everything that’s wrong with global capitalism. However, if they did come to a community, they couldn’t leave, since the community needs their investments to grow itself larger. We also take a stroll through Binghamton and examine the imposing and menacing State Office Building downtown. We come to our senses (*wink*) and realize that conservatism is DEFINITELY the new punk rock movement of our day. It’s just so unpopular to be one, how could it not be? We don’t have much time. We only managed to get several hundred copies to your campus and your screens. Quick! Bring our advice to your campus and your governments; our secret police keep us so safe, I can’t imagine having things any other way. With comrades like these, who needs liberty? Sincerely,
Patrick McAuliffe Jr.
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
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CPampus resswatch “It’s important to be aware of privilege” Hannah Gulko - March 24, 2019 Pipe Dream “We need to realize that the only way in which we can attempt to break the multiple forms of systemic oppression within our societies is to intentionally set aside time to think about justice, and whether or not our values are aligning with the ways in which we live our lives.” We at the Ministry of Truth agree fully comrade! Official time ABSOLUTELY must be set aside each day to reflect upon the evils of privilege, especially the worst privilege of all, white male privilege. All citizens should spend at least an hour per day contemplating their privilege and repenting to the almighty goddess of Social Justice (praise be unto her).* *Of course, the “goddess of Social Justice” is just a rhetorical device, since clearly there is no God. “The Trump administration offers false support for LGBTQ people” Seth Gully - March 10, 2019 Pipe Dream “The Trump administration is back at it again with manipulating real issues that affect not only Americans, but LGBTQ folk around the globe.” #DumpTrump #45 #NeedToImpeach #ResistFascism #ResistCapitalism “Real environmentalists are vegan” Nicholas Walker - March 3, 2019 Pipe Dream “The environmental movement has rightly focused on climate change, but its solutions are insufficient. People are not willing to significantly change their lifestyles and become vegan to save the planet… We can all buy high-efficiency lightbulbs and recycle our beer cans, but who is that helping realistically? No one but our own conscience.” Now this is absolutely true! As was so
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Written by The Ministry of Truth
wonderfully explained by Secretary of Progress Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, farting cows releasing methane into the atmosphere are the #1 cause of global warming - er, uh - Climate Change.
We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
“Millions of animals are kept in putrid conditions and fed chemicals for the sole purpose of our consumption without regard for their well-being… The government and meat industry want to hide these animal abuses with “AgGag” laws that punish whistle-blowers who expose their abysmal industry. We hide behind walls of ignorance erected by lobbyists and spineless lawmakers, telling ourselves we’re innocent.” Your amazing journalisming has exposed just another reason why we need to impeach Drumpf right away! It must be his corrupt administration that is acting out these horrendous abuses, all for some fat cat business owner’s profit! It is important to remember that all conservatives, republicans, and libertarians are just Big Agriculture’s and the NRA’s shills. “Animal agriculture is responsible for 14.5 percent of the world’s greenhouse gas emissions, according to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, with 65 percent of that coming from cattle.” Uh, comrade? It appears you miswrote 145% here. As Secretary Ocasio-Cortez says, animal farts are at least the majority of all evil greenhouse gas emissions, which create the climate change that will destroy our
planet in just 12 years if we don’t act now! Remember comrade, it is important that you refrain from printing such untruths, for your own safety. The Ministry has scheduled you for retraining camp; expect to be abducted in the night by the secret police next week. “Why do we inconsistently condemn racism?” Sean Morton - February 27th, 2019 Pipe Dream “Occasionally, when the creativity levels were particularly low, I’d even get some slurs such as the word “chink,” although “Jap” was a much more popular cheap shot of choice. They don’t come from stereotypical, run-of-the-mill, football-jersey-wearing bullies with daddy issues, but rather regular kids just like myself, including some of my friends...In fairness, context matters...” No. Context doesn’t make any difference, that’s just an argument used by the RACIST alt right to defend their white supremacy. Racism is racism. These so called “friends”of yours should be tried and punished immediately for their awful hate speech. And that’s the tea, sis.
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GOVERNMENT MANDATED GF
Government-Mandated GF By Milton “Ko inkei” Gilbert Recently I have noticed something wrong with my dating sim magical girlfriend. Big Booty Goddess (I named her myself) has seemed to be bored with our relationship. I do not know why! I continue to show her my new Fluttershy doll and try to watch Big Bang Theory with her (I love with Sheldor does the Bazinga)! I realize what needs to happen: government involvement in my relationship! Government involvement in my life has always worked in the past. I even got to keep my doctor when it was discovered I have a medical condition of cheeto dust permanently encrusted on my beard under Obamacare! The policy that will definitely fix my relationship is a government mandated girlfriend. You see, despite being a nice guy (tips hat), opening the door for girls at all chances and tipping my trilby (not a fedora, fedora is for boys. Trilby is a classy gentleman hat), they still refuse to have sex with me or take off their clothing at all. The only ones who listened to me were my waifu and talking Fluttershy doll (at least until the batteries died, mom said I couldn’t have her get anymore because I needed a
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“job”). News flash mom, I am going to be a professional video game tester someday. Anyway, despite me being the nicest guy (tips hat), no girl wants to go out me! And that’s just not right! I have a right to a hot big titty goth gf. So now it is the government’s job to supply me with an ideal girlfriend: some girl to go to the library with to watch anime on the public computers, livestream on twitch with me so I can actually make money streaming, clean each of my katanas (I have seven), and someone to cook me pizza rolls and give me refills on my Baja Blast or Gamer Fuel during my intense gaming sessions with the boyz. After all, gaming is the most important thing; only real gamers understand that. In return for that my government mandated girlfriend would receive infinite affection from me, a hit from my Mountain Dew flavored Juul whenever she wants, and play as Player 2 whenever it is a co-op game (except when it is Counter Strike. I just got a new stattrak Karambit and I will be damned if I let any girl use it.) I, of course, would have to have extreme vetting for my government girlfriend. The first rule would she would of course have to cook. Pizza rolls, Hot Pockets, and other fine cuisine must be part of her basic ensemble. She must also have a license (since I don’t) so she can drive to get Taco Bell. She needs to memorize all of Richard Dawkins’ greatest quotes because I am a true intellectual. She needs to be intellectual to match me, as stated before I watch Big Bang Theory and consider myself Sheldor, understanding each of his jokes perfectly. I also consider myself a Rick from Rick and Mortar. I literally charged into McDonalds for my Szechuan sauce, shouting the most clever line of Rick as a cucumber soaked in brine. She
also needs to be attractive, very attractive. If she is not on my waifu’s or body pillow’s level then gtfo! She needs to be a chess and board game master as I play real strategic games because I consider myself a military and strategic genius. A true intellectual nice guy like me (tips hat) needs to use brains to stop my next door neighbor Chad from taking my GameStop points card. They must also understand all my memes; around these parts of the suburb I am known as a meme master, able to make dank me-mes at a moment’s notice. Only real ladies will understand how impressive that is. As I mentioned earlier it is a basic human right for every single nice guy (tips hat) to have a girlfriend. It is exactly like Bernie Sanders says: the Chad 1% gets all the girls; meanwhile the poor quickscoping gamer majority get shit on. The big titty goth girl gap is too wide! I have read every reddit post on R/LateStageCapitalism and R/ Communism so I completely understand Karl Marx. This is class inequality for me not to receive my proper allocation of coochie. Therefore, I call upon the government, waiting to receive my Big Titty Goth Girlfriend. After all, I have class, and class is for real men.
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PROSPERITY IS EXPLOITATIVE
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Prosperity is Exploitative By Comrade Pat McCauliffe
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he local community is the backbone of any society. People bound together by social upbringing and shared values in a small geographic area are the most willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of everyone. At the same time, these communities must set their sights beyond themselves and unite with other communities globally to fight their enemies and preserve their individual rights to not have individual rights. Outsiders merely looking to exploit them for their labor or resources (while paying a disgusting cost or filthy wage for it) are the root of everything evil in the world. Take Binghamton, for example. Despite the problems our area has, which are actually pretty common in Rust Belt states where evil Big Industry has left and taken their exploitative jobs with them, what we have here is valid. Our community has plenty of places to go and things to see. Our festivals and culture get better and more diverse every year. People actually like to visit Binghamton for our sights and our food. Our citizens take care of each other and our successes matter to each other. We don’t need economic booms brought by evil corporations; we have heart. That’s why the rumors of Amazon considering Broome County as its new headquarters left me literally shaking. How could they invest their money into our community, bringing short-term jobs that won’t do anything except help us pay our rent and provide much-needed tax revenue, yet simultaneously have a globally-minded agenda to make money? How dare they try to do both? In the 1950s and 1960s, our cities lost much-needed revenue and investment through white flight. The community that remained behind, primarily POC, still suffer the effects of this abandonment to this day through lower funding to inner city schools and incredibly high rent costs. If we could get that money back, these public services
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would benefit everyone. At the same time, we need to encourage innovation from within our own community. Gentrification is the bane of entrepreneurship in any local area. How can our communal grocery survive when trying to compete with Whole Foods? If Binghamton University brought back Taco Bell or allowed new chains on campus, how could our Food Co-op compete? Preserving these staples of the community at any cost is how we maintain our lifestyle and our integrity. If Amazon were to come to Binghamton, the results would be disastrous. As an ally wrote in Pipe Dream last month, Amazon’s impact on our planet and its “toxic conveniences,” to quote the author, are not worth aiming for when local businesses can give us a much more rewarding investment in our neighbors and friends. These corporations don’t need our money, and we don’t need theirs. I mean, we could definitely use it, but that’s not the point. The point is to make sure we keep people that care about Binghamton in Binghamton. We don’t want our lives dictated by the whim of corporations’ selfish desire for pure profit. Never mind the regular people that leave Binghamton for better situations; they aren’t thinking about the community, they only want what’s best for them. Luckily for us, it looks like Amazon has no interest in setting up shop in Binghamton. Our community doesn’t need its uncertain neoliberal investments when we have so much to offer right here. However, if evil Big Industry does exist in a community already, like Endicott-Johnson did, it would be immoral for them to leave our region for a mere profit margin. Shop local, attend local events, and do what you can to provide investment to our friends and neighbors. That is, at least, until we abolish the capitalist system and local business assets are seized for the good of the global proletariat population.
Africa By Toto
I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation She’s coming in, 12:30 flight The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation I stopped an old man along the way Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies He turned to me as if to say, “Hurry boy, it’s waiting there for you” It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had (ooh, ooh) The wild dogs cry out in the night As they grow restless, longing for some solitary company I know that I must do what’s right As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had (ooh, ooh) Hurry boy, she’s waiting there for you It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa I bless the rains down in Africa (I bless the rain) I bless the rains down in Africa (I bless the rain) I bless the rains down in Africa I bless the rains down in Africa (ah, gonna take the time) Gonna take some time to do the things we never had (ooh, ooh) All ownership rights to Toto and Spirit Music Group
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Yes Doesn’t Mean Yes
YES DOESN’T MEAN YES
By Gemma Wattson
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lright men, since the mandatory consent classes at colleges and workplaces aren’t doing enough to teach you all not to rape, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. Unfortunately we live in a rape culture that tells men that raping women is a good thing and then sends the victims to prison, and therefore all men have become rapists. It’s time to put an end to that. Get ready for your crash course on consent. A common phrase among enlightened feminists like myself is “no means no.” It is true that no means no, and it is important to spread that message, but it’s also important to teach men that yes doesn’t mean yes. Here’s an example. You’re at a party, and you start talking to a girl. Unfortunately, you seem to have forgotten your consent contract. You apologize about this, but ask her if she would like to have sex with you anyway. She says yes. Does this mean she is consenting to sex with you? If you answered yes, congrats, you’re a rapist. Just because a woman verbally says that she wants to have sex with you, it doesn’t mean that she actually wants to have sex with you. Saying “yes” is not consent. Saying “I want to fuck you” is not consent. Saying “oh yeah, fuck me harder daddy” while she’s riding you is not consent. Even if she reaches down into your pants un-
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prompted and starts aggressively stroking your cock, that does not mean she is consenting to anything. (My editor tried to mansplain to me that maybe I should mention that the man isn’t consenting in this situation either, to which I laughed loudly and condescendingly. Men don’t need to consent, because men can’t be raped. They are the ones that physically penetrate women, and regardless of whether they want to be doing this or not, because they have this innate ability, they are the only sex capable of committing rape.) The only way to properly get consent from a woman is for both of you to fill out a consent contract before engaging in any sexual behavior, including (but not limited to) vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, fingering, handjobs, kissing, whispering seductively into your partner’s ear, and pegging. Failure of either party to fill out a consent contract in its entirety is automatically rape. For couples, both married and unmarried, a consent contract must be used every time you engage in sexual activity. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have automatic consent. For married couples, it is considered acceptable to make copies of an already-completed contract, so that you only have to sign at the bottom each time you have sex. This privilege does not apply to people that are
dating or are engaged; they must fill out the entire contract by hand each time. It should also be noted that rape can still occur, even if both parties have properly completed a consent contract. The woman reserves the right to withdraw consent at any time, including during foreplay, during sex, or any time after the sexual encounter, no matter how much time has passed. The most important thing to understand is that consent is entirely up to the woman. If she decides one day that she no longer consents to sex that she had 10 years ago, then she has been raped, and the man involved is a rapist. It should also be noted that none of this applies to homosexual couples. Men cannot be raped, and women cannot be rapists, therefore there is no situation in which rape can occur between two people of the same sex. The patriarchy wants you to think that people of all genders can be raped, but don’t fall into their misogynistic trap! In conclusion, no means no, and yes means no. Only a consent contract filled out by both parties means yes, and even then it can mean no. Women have the ultimate authority on what is and isn’t rape, and if they decide that you were raped, then it is true. #BelieveWomen. I know this is futile since men can’t resist their primitive urges to rape, but hopefully I got through to at least a few of the potential rapists out there. Gemma Wattson out.
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THE WORST AND BEST NAMES
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The Worst and Best Names By Liberius Tardium
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hroughout my time in the 20 years I have been alive, I have seen a lot from the top view of my suburban house where I live. I view myself as a champion of the poor and downtrodden; I once even got my wallet stolen and did not report it to the police as that would only contribute to systematic racism. Besides, my parents just bought me a new wallet with $500 in it anyway. Throughout my long, tireless life I have noticed something that continues to be a pattern. Some names are inherently racist. These names throughout history have produced a culture of alt-right bigotry and evil. Understanding this can demonstrate the rise of milk-drinking white supremacists. This needs to be stopped. Therefore I, being a true intellectual hero of the left, have decided to compile these names as I myself must bear this task alone. While writing this article I have realized that I am truly brave for publishing this piece, so please send constructive criticism and comments my way. Please no hate comments though, only love and positive feedback my way. Anyone with these names is instantly racist. No exceptions to this rule. Let the education commence. 1. Patrick- Patrick is one of the most racist names in the history of the world. Need an example? Patrick is
Patrick: BAD!
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the name of the editor in chief of the BINGHAMTON REVIEW, THE BREITBART OF BINGHAMTON! Guess what? He looks EXACTLY HOW YOU EXPECT HIM TO LOOK! Also Patrick is a Irish name and the Irish are white, making them racist and oozing with white privilege. 2. Donald- Need I say more? All Donalds are racist. Of course there is Drumphf, number 45, the dictator of all racist. But another prominent racist figure is of course Donald Duck. Donald Duck is the physical embodiment of white supremacy and prevails as an alt-right symbol. Just look at his feathers! They are white! Look at his hat! It’s blue. Blue eyes, a symbol of white supremacy. Even turning his beak on his head makes him look like 45. I can never unsee that in my life now. Just pure racism. 3. Ben- Ben is the first name of the neo-Nazi alt right commentator Ben Shapiro, who literally is Hitler. 4. Moto Moto- A aggressive MALE hippo who is now the new idol of the alt-right. This iconoclastic worship is dangerous. He needs to be stopped. Even his theme song, “Big and Chunky,” breaths sexism in our culture. Now even though there are names that should never be said or used ever, there are names that should be more commonly used as they symbolize how brave the parents are for wanting to increase taxes and promising me free stuff. It’s even more admirable if the person chooses these names for themselves in their adulthood. Truly these are the ideals that young kids should be named if they want free college and redistribution of wealth. 1. Socialism- I have never met anyone named socialism but if my girlfriend’s boyfriend lets me name their child this is the name I am going with. Socialism
as everyone know would work if tried (it has never been tried) but alt right nazi’s have always prevented that. 2. Bernie- Bernie is the name of Senator Bernie Sanders who is my God (If God existed, I am far too intellectual to believe in God as I am a (Insert Pronoun here) of science). Bernie even promised me a three story house with an inground pool, no bedtime, and a trampoline. This would be perfect since I have no job and my parents only give me $2000 a week for my expenses. They keep telling me to get a job but I keep telling them my Rolling Stones tribute band will take off someday as I can play a guitar. Once Bernie is elected he will promote my band so much too. 3. Beta- Betas are what all men should strive to be. It also gives me many diversity points which I will cash in soon to get a girlfriend to white knight. 4. Liberius Tardium- That’s my name and I am a democratic liberal socialist communist so I know I am not racist. Plus I write liberal trans furry fanfiction to prove how progressive and accepting I am of those that society deems abnormal. One of the foxes in the story is a transgender chess player who is a antifa member and is black. That’s how progressive I am.
Bernie: GOOD!
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CONSERVATISM, TRUE PUNK ROCK
Conservatism, True Punk Rock By Johnny Ramone
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ately, you may have heard a phrase that has become trendy among certain circles. That phrase is something along the lines of, “Conservatism is the new punk rock.” As a huge fan of punk rock myself, I can tell you that this is absolutely 100% true. Think about it. American culture is dominated by a sort of liberal orthodoxy, a direct result of the totally socialist, totally progressive Hollywood propaganda machine and its cavalcade of activist actors, writers and filmmakers. Since these far-left commie idiots are the ones who have set the American political and social agenda in recent years, it obviously logically follows that conservatism, which totally hasn’t dominated American culture for the vast majority of its existence, is a rebellious ideology. It doesn’t get much more rebellious than Bible thumping and advocating for a rigid hierarchical system based on classes and traditional values. One time, I watched a clip of Jeanine Pirro’s Fox News show from December 2018. She brought on Charlie Kirk and Candace Owens, two edgy conservative activists and public intellectuals. During the discussion, Owens, in her infinite wisdom, said (and I quote): “ … something about [President Trump] feels very punk rock and rebellious. He’s a rebellious president. He’s rebelling against the establishment, he’s rebelling against the mainstream media… this country needs to rebel against the socialist principles that are being taught on the left.” I agree with you, Candace. Nothing screams “anti-establishment” like appointing half a dozen former Goldman Sachs executives to key positions in your administration and continuing to bomb eight different countries overseas. America was absolutely founded as a socialist nation and continues to be just that. It’s time someone stood up and fought against the socialist establishment that pervades our American system. Since workers in America have complete control over the means of production, Trump or the next pres-
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ident needs to be a rebel and privatize everything in sight and rid the United States of its ultra-left economic and social policies. Bold rebels like Ben Shapiro, Dennis Prager and Steven Crowder are doing a great job at countering the far-left with fact-based reasoning and clearly-laid-out arguments. I classify these commentators as rebels because, whereas our predominantly socialist culture is focused on feelings and sentiments, the above-mentioned dissidents rely solely on raw facts and harsh truths. They offer those who listen to what they have to say an incredible amount of wisdom, which is something left-wing pundits are fundamentally incapable of providing. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, given today’s radically left-leaning political climate, to promote traditional marriage, the notion of there being only two genders and to point out the explicit and undeniable left-wing bias in institutions such as our educational system and our mainstream media. Both of these institutions are dominated and hallowed by the far-left. It is refreshing to hear voices of dissent from outlets like Fox News, Breitbart, The Daily Caller and The Daily Wire. These voices are sorely needed in order to save this great nation. In the upcoming presidential race, we have to make sure Trump wins re-election so we can avoid sending the country into complete disarray due to the untenable and disastrous socialist and communist policies of the ultimate establishment Democrat candidate: Bernie “Establishment Comrade” Sanders. Banks and Wall
Street institutions have never wielded any significant power in this country and someone needs to prevent Bernie from decreasing their power even further. We need a rebellious conservative capitalist to save us from the communist elites in the United States government. I’d say that President Trump is the perfect man for the job. He is so strong and so bold and so intelligent. He seems to be the only conservative who can put an end to the communist political and social norms in the United States and rebuild this nation to be one of traditional values and free markets, something we’ve never been before. The far-lefties should start watching their backs. There’s revolution in the air. The oppressed and victimized right wing of this country will soon rise up and overthrow the leftist system that has been like a cancer in our society. Courageous conservative rebels are mobilizing at a fast pace to introduce the American population to conservative principles, which they hope will counteract the leftist indoctrination most young people in America are exposed to on a daily basis in many areas of society. If you are interested in rebelling against the far-left establishment, educate yourself on traditional values, Christianity, rigid gender roles and unfettered, laissez-faire capitalism. That’s how to go against the leftist grain of society! Not only would the founding fathers of America be proud of conservative rebels, but the founding fathers of original punk rock would also be thrilled that the term associated with their music was applied to the advocacy of right-wing policies, as most punks in the 1970s and 1980s were also hardcore conservatives who hated the leftist establishment. So, there is my take. Conservatism is totally punk rock. It always has been, but especially in today’s world, dominated by a torrential flood of leftist indoctrination, it is now more punk rock than ever before.
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OPERATION RESCUE BOB MUELLER
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Operation Rescue Bob Mueller By Matt Rosen
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k this has to be a joke right? There is no way Attorney General William Barr’s letter is accurate. For anyone who doesn’t know, Special Counsel Bob Mueller ended the investigation into 45’s collusion with Putin. According to William Barr (45’s new Attorney General), Mueller has NOT found evidence of Russian collusion or Obstruction of Justice! Guys (or girls, or other pronouns… because I don’t want to assume your pronouns of course), what happened to Bob Mueller?! Was this a set up from the start? Is he in trouble? Honestly I think it’s time to go through the possible explanations for this letter. Theory 1: The investigation didn’t go far enough - Bob Mueller just needs to dig a little deeper to find the real collusion, I just know it. There had to be pressure for him to end the investigation early or something, because this just doesn’t add up. The Mueller team consisted of 19 lawyers and 40 FBI agents/professional staff, but it should have had 100 lawyers and 200 agents. If 2,800 subpoenas, 500 search warrants, 230 orders of communication records, 50 orders authorizing the use of pen registrars,
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13 requests to foreign governments for evidence, and interviewing 500 witnesses isn’t enough, than we just need bigger numbers! That’s all. Honestly, I’d say that there is a 10% chance that this is the explanation for why we got a letter that is favorable for Benedict Donald (ugh sorry, I can’t even type his name without gagging, so you are gonna have to get used to his totally hilarious and true nicknames). Maybe Cheeto Man is so evil that he found a way to shut down the investigation, forcing it to end before they found anything! I do give it such a small chance because I just feel that there is a bigger and more evil plot behind this letter than that. Theory 2: This was a set up from the start - I never thought this could be possible before this week, but what if Bob Mueller was a plant by Drumpf from the beginning. Those MAGA creatures always talk about “the swamp” and about Tronald Dump’s 3D chess game where he is one step ahead of everyone else. Of course I discounted this from the start, but what if it’s worse than we all thought? What if Orange Man wanted it to be Mueller because it would look like he was in trou-
ble, but in reality always knew Mueller would be his biggest shield? What if Mueller was hired to act out the role of going after the Angry Creamsicle in office, but it was always planned that he would suppress all to evidence and protect him anyway! So what are the chances of this being true? I’d say there’s a 28% chance this is true. I would have to give it a substantial chance of being reality because I can see Carrot Troll being that evil and twisted that he could do this… but I have to give it lower than a 50% chance because I find it hard to believe the Mueller isn’t the savior we need to take down Carrot Face. There has to be something else! I already put hundreds of dollars into my merchandise that says “It’s Mueller Time,” “Impeach Trump,” “Nobody is Above the Law,” “Let Bob sort ‘em Out,” and “Dear Bob Mueller, Please Hurry, -The World.” Theory 3: Bob Mueller is in Trouble - Alright so think about it... I’ve wondered about whether William Barr is lying about the results of the Mueller Report in his summary. What if Mueller really did find collusion and obstruction, but Barr completely ignored it in his summary? Well of course the MAGA herd of sheep had to try and be clever and claim that Mueller would have come out and either leaked the correct findings or just straight out say it’s wrong. The same thing could be asked about my first theory, because if it were true, why wouldn’t Mueller refute it? But what if Bob Mueller is in trouble and can’t refute it? What if Tyrant Tangerine and his lackey William Barr made a plan to silence Mueller like he’s done with women for decades! They could be blackmailing Mueller, but that would imply that savior Mueller has skeletons in his closet, which I don’t think is true. Could it be possible that the real Mueller is being imprisoned illegally and secretly by Mr. Tiny Hand’s re-
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BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM gime and replaced with a double? Oh God… what if he is somewhere alone right now praying that people realize how ridiculous this report is so that we can rescue him? Even more proof: Nancy Pelosi said that impeachment may not be wise… What if they got to her too? Guys (or girls, or other pronouns… because AGAIN I don’t want to assume your pronouns of course), this could be true. I’d put it at a 61% chance of being true! How else could you explain the finding? But what if this theory were true? Presumably it would then be up to Congress to investigate, and get the real Mueller Report released to the public. But unfortunately, I see a couple problems with that. First of all, the evil Republicans are almost definitely in on it, which would leave only the Democrats left. But as we know, there is a chance that they already got to Nancy Pelosi, which means they could get to even more of them if they haven’t already! Another problem is that if there really is a Mueller double, or if Mueller was a plant from the beginning, then there wouldn’t be a real Mueller Report available to expose Mr. Trumpalump. And finally, even if there is a hidden Mueller Report that was suppressed by the Combover Conaritst, stupid William Barr already thought of how to keep that from the public by adding in some fake excuse of “Federal Rule of Criminal Procedure 6(e)” which apparently states that it would have to be redacted if released. I bet that this was made up, or enacted by the Literally Voldemort regime to help keep the collusion a secret. That has got to be the case since there is no way there is any other reasonable or legal reason for a dumb rule like this. So what now? Just as we all predicted since 2015, the election of Cheeto Benito will be the end of the world. The prophecy seems to be coming true. The only possible solution that I can think of to make sure that our Democracy doesn’t end is to like the Binghamton Review on facebook, subscribe to them on youtube, and share this article with all of your friends so that the real truth can be revealed. No, this is not a hilariously
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OPERATION RESCUE BOB MUELLER
placed shameless plug, it is absolutely a last ditch effort to save America. Theory 4: I should be fired for even writing this one - I feel gross even suggesting this one, but if I don’t, I can see all the MAGA creeps telling me that I’m closed minded. So I guess in order to make a point, I should bring up the opposing theory and disprove it huh? Ok fine, but just as a note, Mr. Editor-In-Chief of the Binghamton Review, if you have to fire me for even putting this in your paper, I understand. Ok here goes… what if there was no collusion at all? The only actual part of this argument that I see that could be appealing is that it proves that Blumpf is not an evil genius, but just a doofus who had no idea what he is doing. But beyond that, I see no evidence for this! Our Sniffles-In-Chief is clearly warm to Putin, CNN has been proving it for two years! Plus, how could this moron even get elected over our Queen Hillary Clinton without interference? It had to have been rigged, right? If theory four is true, then that means Mr. YUGE liar here is our legitimate President (ugh, that was even hurt to type), which we all know can’t be true. So the odds of this one are definitely small. I’ll say 1% just because I have to, and because it would be funny to expose Literal Hitler Trump of being a bigger idiot than we all already thought.
Conclusion - APRIL FOOLS! (Ok yes, I have to make it very clear that this is an APRIL FOOLS ARTICLE before people use this article out of context in 20 years to ruin my career or something. This is an informal joke article aimed at making a joke regarding the reaction and the inability of Democrats to accept that there is no collusion. Is that clear enough? Good. And also, a quick sidenote, credit for all of those bad nicknames for President Trump should not go to me, as they were all found on the internet and are, in my opinion, incredibly stupid. So in all seriousness, the reaction by prominent Democrats and by the media is ridiculous and embarrassing. They have all been exposed for lying to everyone for the past two years trying to drag President Trump through the mud simply because they don’t like him. All of the commentary over the past two year by “objective journalists” has don’t a great disservice to our country, and the reactions from the past few days over the Barr letter have been laughable. My made up theories may be clearly satirical and absurd, but they stem from real Democrats not accepting the findings in the letter just because their Trump Derangement Syndrome is too intense. Two years of this, and there is ZERO evidence of any crime, yet here we are. But that’s ok Democrats, keep believing it, keep investigating, and keep making yourselves look stupid.)
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LGBTQ DRUG DEALERS DEFY TR*MP
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Inside the Lesbian and Queer Drug Dealers of Color Leading the Resistance Against Tr*mp in Tampa Bay, FL By Jessica Charmant-Ortiz
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ll around the country people are uniting to fight against Tr*mp’s sexist, racist, misogynistic, homophobic, Islamophobic, pedophobic, transphobic, and patriarchal regime. From college students to college professors, everyone knows 45 has got to go! But in the sunny streets of Tampa Bay, the Resistance looks a little different. Instead of being spearheaded by the typical group of ANTIFA comrades and their classmates, this opposition to 45’s white male supremacy is led by a diverse group of queer womyn and people of color who make their everyday living in the drug business. Isabella Mierda, the leader of the Tampa-based Asesinos Horripilantes Cartel and a proud member of the LGBTQP+ community explained that after her third deportation, she and her wife Krystal decided to dedicate their free time to opposing Tr*mp. “It was just like, at some point somebody has to do something you know? We can’t just let that racist orange puta stay in power… me and my wife, we know he fears us strong Latinx people, that’s why he tries to keep us out!” Isabella has put to work her vast network of junkies and coke dealers to help bash the fash, spending much of her free time organizing marches for womyn and LGBTQP+ people and donating a portion of her cartel’s cocaine profits to Planned Parenthood and other womyn’s health organizations. Her wife, Krystal Mierda-Brown, a transgender artist of color, also dedicates her time to the cause by making online artwork depicting Tr*mp and Russian President Vladimir Putin engaging in sex acts. Her most well-
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known piece, called Orange Pig in a Golden Shower, depicts “daddy” Putin urinating into a pig-shaped 45’s mouth and was shared over 500 times on Tumblr before the site’s conservative restructuring late last year. On the other side of town, another leader in both the queer community and the drug business, Blue Ivy Farrakhan, has organized a resistance to the patriarchy of xer own. Blue Ivy describes xer movement as a more “grassroots approach” to Resistance focused on the community. By organizing members of the local BLM movement and ANTIFA allies from the University of Tampa, xe hopes to bring the fight to the patriarchy’s local enforcers – the Tampa Police Department.
“Donald Drumpf is just like Voldemort, and the pigs in the Tampa PD and ICE are his Death Eaters… Actually I’d say the genocidal aparthied state of Israel is all their master. Even 45 and Putin need those Benjamin’s, after all.” Xe says proudly. “Either way, the only good pig is a dead pig. Fry ‘em like bacon!” To-Date, Blue Ivy claims her followers have seriously injured at least four members of the Tampa PD, and xe attributes xer movement’s success to xer success in the fentanyl business. “Look, I don’t like capitalism or money, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, and it’s thanks to my work in the business that I’m able to dedicate so many resources to fighting the white supremacist patriarchy.” Xe says, explaining that xer drug money goes towards outfitting xer Resistance operatives to “take down” cops and other agents of the Tr*mp administration. As recently as this month, both Isabella Mierda and Blue Ivy Farrakhan have met with several of the democratic 2020 contenders, showing their desire to push their brand of Resistance beyond the confines of sunny Tampa Bay. Their diverse and inclusive strategies of resistance provide an example of how to improve and coordinate to the rest of us in the movement, and it is possible that in the future more queer people of color in the drug business may follow in their footsteps and help lead the fight against Tr*mp’s bigoted empire. Jessica Charmant-Ortiz is a reporter for VICE.com and frequent columnist for the New York Times and the Binghamton Review.
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THE STATE OFFICE BUILDING’S DARK SECRETS
The State Office Building’s Dark Secrets, Part 3 of 6 By The Urban Exploration Society
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tanding at a staggering eighteen stories high, the State Office building dominates the Binghamton skyline, making every other structure look like a diminutive testament to smallness. How could any other structure even compete? I’ll tell you how. They don’t. Constructed in the late sixties/early seventies, The State Office Building occupies the space between Binghamton City Hall and the Edwin L. Crawford County Office Building to reflect the unity of each layer of Government that the city of Binghamton begrudgingly abides by. The late sixties brutalist architecture of the building is endemic of the Cold War geopolitical tensions that swept America throughout the twentieth century. Since I’ve already detailed its long history of human rights violations and child endangerment that have taken place within the walls of this structure in the first two parts, I’ll now be focusing on the impact that the State Office Building has had on the current residents of Broome county. While getting lunch with some friends at the Skylark Diner, I asked
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one of them, “Have you ever been to the State Office Building?” “Yeah” she said, “One of my stepdads took me there.” So, then I asked, “How was it?” and she said, “It was nice.” A little while later I met up with her mother at the Vestal laundromat to ask her if she had ever been to the State Office Building. She said “Yeah, I have. That place is really nice it’s got like thirteen or fourteen floors.” That night I was discussing the State Office Building at a small get together in Kirkwood, and as it turns out one of my friends used to deliver food to the State Office Building. He told me: “Yeah, I delivered food there for the place that I used to work at. The security looks really tight but honestly they’ll let pretty much anybody in as long as they’ve got a reason to be there.” Hearing that was the final straw. I needed to see the inside. I decided that I’d head over and scope the place out first thing tomorrow morning. The next day I slept until noon and instead of checking out the State Office Building, I just decided to meet-
up at City Light Coffee to hang out. City Light Coffee is a cool coffee shop that is run by City Church. They give away free coffee to College students and 100% of their profits go to helping global mission projects against human trafficking and ending extreme poverty. If you haven’t already been there, I’d highly recommend it. The food and coffee are great, and the atmosphere is fantastic. It’s a wonderful place to study for midterms, hang out with friends, or even just to surf the web with their free wi-fi. Honestly, it’s the best coffee shop in town and the coffee is free! Stop by anytime, pick up a caramel macchiato and fight human trafficking at the same time. By the time I was ready to leave, I had completely lost interest in investigating the State Office Building, but my friend Isaac insisted that we at least try to get a tour. As we entered the lobby, I realized that I didn’t have a plan for what I’d even say when I got to the front desk, but Isaac immediately said “Hi. We’re with the Binghamton Review and we’re writing an article on the infrastructure of Broome County and we were wondering if we could take a look around the State Office Building and maybe take a few pictures from the top floor. Is there anyone we can contact who can give us a tour of the building or at least show us the top floor?” The Security guard at the front desk proceeded to give us the phone number of someone who works for the Office of General Services. We called him and he seemed perfectly willing to give us a tour of the place, but after five minutes in the lobby I decided I had seen enough. As we left Isaac told me how upset he was to find out that the State Office Building only has eighteen floors because apparently, he had been telling people that it was twenty stories. I assured him that that’s not an egregious difference and that I doubt anyone would even care about how many floors the State Office Building has.
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MLK JR, WHITE SUPREMACIST SCUMBAG
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
MLK Jr, White Supremacist Scumbag By Shawn Kinge
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artin Luther King Jr. is often considered a hero, and one of the most important figures in securing basic rights for African Americans. He is beloved among the black community, and is even taught about in schools. I demand that this celebration of Rev. King cease immediately. The truth is that MLK Jr. was an extremely problematic person. He was actually a white supremacist, sent by the KKK to sabotage the black rebellion of the 1960s and protect white people. The “civil rights movement” wasn’t supposed to be about civil rights at all. It was supposed to be about black people taking over America and getting revenge for all of the torture they have suffered at the hands of white people. Malcolm X had the right idea by advocating for violence against white people. However, Martin Luther King Jr. ruined everything when he came along and started promoting stupid ideas like “equality” and “peace.” He was obviously told to do this by the white man to prevent the black revolution! Martin Luther King Jr. wasn’t a civil rights hero, he was a race traitor!
“To deny the importance of race the way Rev. King does is to ignore the centuries of slavery and oppression that black people have been forced to endure.” The strongest evidence to support this fact is found within his famous “I Have A Dream” speech at the “March on Washington” in 1963. He pays homage to a white man right off the bat, by starting his speech the same way Abraham Lincoln started his “Gettysburg Address.” It is sickening that Rev. King would honor such a disgusting man this way. Abraham Lincoln was a white supremacist bigot, who directly expressed his hatred for black people when he said “...there is a physical difference between the white
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and black races, which I suppose, will forever forbid the two races living together upon terms of social and political equality, and inasmuch, as they cannot so live, that while they do remain together, there must be the position of superior and inferior, that Dr. King giving a clear Nazi salute to his thousands of followers. Disgusting! I as much as any other man am in favor therefore should be treated poorly. To of the superior position being assigned deny the importance of race the way to the white man.” He then went on to Rev. King does is to ignore the cenuse African Americans as his pawns turies of slavery and oppression that during the Civil War, the same way black people have been forced to enwhite men have been using black peodure. The solution is not “equality” as ple for centuries. Only one sentence in, MLK suggests, it’s for the government and the evidence that Martin Luther to give black people free stuff and force King Jr. was a white supremacist is albusinesses to hire them and colleges ready overwhelming. to accept them even if they are not as Then, of course, we have the most qualified as privileged white candiwell-known section of the speech. dates. That was the true message of the “I have a dream that my four little civil rights movement, or at least it was children will one day live in a nation before Martin Luther King sabotaged where they will not be judged by the it. color of their skin, but by the content The most unfortunate part is that of their character.” This quote, which Rev. King and his white supremacist has been treated as the catchphrase of buddies succeeded. We could be livthe civil rights movement, is nothing ing in Black America right now, but but a white supremacist dog whistle. instead we continue to be oppressed Rev. King suggests that race is irrelby the white man. As I sit in my colevant and shouldn’t determine how lege dorm room while typing this on people are treated, a sentiment echoed my Macbook and listening to Kenby known racists such as Ben Shapiro. drick Lamar with my Beats By Dre headphones, I can’t help but look up at “We could be living in my poster of former president Barack Obama and think about how little Black America right now, progress us black people have made but instead we continue to since the inception of this racist nation be oppressed by the white in 1776. We’re basically still slaves. man.” I hope you all take this message seriously, and remember this next time Race absolutely does matter, and abyou hear someone talking about how solutely should determine how people great Martin Luther King Jr. was. Be are treated. For example, white people sure to share the truth with them; the are evil and have consistently shown less people worshiping white supremathat they are throughout history, and cists the better. #BlackLivesMatter
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IT’S TIME TO LEGALIZE POST-BIRTH ABORTIONS
It’s Time to Legalize Post-Birth Abortions By Yvonne Tyler
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he wake of New York’s Reproductive Health Act of 2019 has sparked fervorous debate throughout the entire country. Pro-life advocates have used the passing of this law to denounce elective late-term abortions. Most interestingly, in response some pro-choice advocates have argued that late-term abortions only occur out of medical neceseity. I can only imagine that this tactic was used with the intention of convincing, although misguidedly so, more unsure people to rally in support of the new law. Despite what these abortion-apologists have claimed, this law decriminalizes any harm done to the fetus at any stage of the pregnancy regardless of the fetus’s or mother’s health, thereby stripping fetuses of any legal protection they had previously and giving women the right to terminate at any point if they find a willing doctor to perfrom the procedure. However, this is not “evil,” as some activists on both sides have described. Invalidating late-term abortions not done out of medical necesity only works to damage the pro-choice movement. A late-term fetus is no different from a first-term fetus, and is even no different from a newborn. In fact, in the progressing years I hope the Women’s Rights Movement comes to realize that the right to abort a newborn baby is the final obstacle to overcome in truly attain bodily autonomy. Just as the familiarity of the fetus’s developing anatomical features in the early stages of pregnancy must be disregarded, the “humanity” of a newborn must also be tossed aside in an effort to maintain a woman’s right to bodily autonomy. Although most babies are born with the ability to breathe independently, can cry, and have some basic reflexes, the human infant is still incredibly under-developed. So much so that if it were not for the size limitations of the woman’s birth canal, the human baby would optimally need even more than nine months to develop. Because of this, inappropriately an-
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thropomorphising babies is counterintuitive to a woman’s bodily autonomy. Despite emotional cues given by the baby to the mother to foster bonding, such as cooing, newborn babies only experience two emotions (if they can even be classified as that): stimulated and lack thereof. This organism has no, or extremely basic, emotional or cognitive development at this point in it’s existence, and although it is outside of the womb, it is not autonomous, and therefore has no value. Because of this, a woman should be allowed to terminate the baby at this point if she deems that the appropriate course of action. There are many elective and medical reasons to abort a baby immediately or soon after it is born. Pro-life advocates will argue that women do not have this right because the responsibility of taking care of a baby can be burdened onto someone else through adoption or fostering. However, much like the reasoning behind being able to abort a fetus in the womb, because the baby is directly in the care of and dependent on the mother, it is entirely her decision what happens to the child. Women may decide to abort the child upon birth because no suitable parents would adopt it. In which case, how would the abortion of the new-
born be any different, reasonably and morally, from the abortion of a young fetus in the womb who is in the same situation? There is none. And by this equivalency, the woman should be able to unapologetically abort the newborn for any reason she pleases. Aborting an unwanted child at birth is even morally favorable in terms of the overall prosperity of society. Having children aborted before they are developed enough to be considered morally valuable would prevent adding to already overcrowded foster homes, therefore relieving foster parents, already existing foster children, the environment, and the state. Who’s really “pro-life” here? And ultimately, post-birth abortion is also necessary for the welfare of the newborn child. How many times have we heard the story of young mothers killing their children in horrific ways, such as throwing them out of windows, leaving them to die in trash cans, and drugging them to death, because they were not given safe and legal options to euthanize their child? Although a controversial proposition now because of regressive pro-life activists and abortion-apologists, I hope the world comes to realize the necessity of being able to abort newly born children.
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