THE HINMAN/CIW PROLETARIAT MANIFESTO
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The Hinman/CIW Proletariat Manifesto By Sara Traynor and Madeline Perez
F
ive students went missing after meeting with Harvey Stenger and other Binghamton administrative forces over the past three weeks. Three were from Hinman, two from CIW. After an (honestly half-assed) investigation conducted by UPD, their bodies were discovered in a shiny new Mountainview suite, their body parts stuffed and placed in glass cases as trophies. No, this story isn’t real. But you believed it for a second, didn’t you? Many incoming students unacquainted with the spoils of the rich choose the cheaper, more modest options of Hinman and CIW. What they don’t know is that these communities are intensely oppressed by Harvey and
“It is the CIW and Hinman proletariat, spurned by its own university, that must now turn inward for survival.” the rest of the cold-blooded, beadyeyed, lizard people running the university. You know, the monsters trying to suck both your life force and life savings, just so they can bathe in clawfoot bathtubs full of your money. It’s clear these Big Dogs have been pulling the Binghamton strings in favor of the Dickinson/Mountainview/Newing bourgeoisie ever since their conception, and by sitting back and letting this favor wash over them, those “higher-classed housing” buggers are complacent. Since everyone in these communities is accustomed to living with dining halls and air conditioning, we, Madeline Perez and Sara Traynor, are going to knock them down a peg or two. The revolution starts here. Tearing Mountainview a New Ass Speaking of complacency, let’s take a look at the Mountainview yup-
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pies up in their ivory towers. Disgusting. At any moment I’m prepared for these students to ball their fists, pout their lips, and say something akin to “Daddy, I want a squirrel.” “A Community Above the Rest,” my ass. What, you think you’re better than us because you got cartons of fresh berries in your dining hall before everyone else? I guess that’s the reward you get when you suck on Harvey Stenger’s cold lizard toes. Sellouts, all of you. The fact that the Mountainview dorms are physically higher than the other communities is reflected in their metaphorical “higher society” mindsets. They don’t even have the decency to be subtle about it. The barriers between the rich and poor communities are physical as well as social. The location of the Mountainview towers was conveniently placed far enough away from the CIW tenements so as to protect the wealthy from the stench of the dirty, weed-smoking working class. Sometimes, when I’m tossing and turning in my bed at night, unable to sleep because of the injustices I, a CIW resident, have faced, I hear the faint sound of spitting in the distance. I’ve grown accustomed to looking out my window to find Mountainview students spitting on my building for fun.
Putting the “Dick” in Dickinson With a community with “dick” in the name and a building called “Johnson,” you may already have a clear idea about the types of people we’re dealing with. These mind-numbing, hotel-looking buildings are chock-full of even more neutered, brain-washed babies still teething on daddy’s dollar. They’re just like Mountainview students, with all of the snobbery and none of the individuality (if that’s what you want to call it). The circle-like building architecture was made to insulate Dickinson residents from outsiders and keep them mingling with their own kind. They’re in a little container. Laughing at us. Nobody goes in, nobody comes out. Sometimes, I wonder if people in Dickinson actually experience the same range of emotions that regular humans do. Everything in their insulated community is the same… I wonder who they’ll choose as the Giver next? You would never see such isolation from the friendly haphazardly placed buildings of Hinman and CIW, which are inclusive to all who wish to enter. Of course, this also means that they’re more exposed to those infected with Covid, which I don’t think is a coincidence. Newing (yucky) Are you looking for a community that can replicate the distinct aura that emanates from a dirty, creepy frat house basement, while somehow managing to look like a Holiday Inn? Well, I’ve got news for you! Newing perfectly fits the bill. Don’t worry: we haven’t forgotten you in the inevitable threepronged attack that the oppressed CIW/Hinman communities will soon unleash. Honestly, we don’t have much to say about Newing. We just want you guys to know that we really dislike your rancid “Vineyard Vines coke addict” vibes, and we’re glad you’re so far away. Oppression of CIW and Hinman Ever since the shutting down of
Vol. XXXIII, Issue X
