BINGHAMTON REVIEW
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Dear Readers,
From the Editor
Summer is over, dragging me kicking and screaming into the most beautiful season of the year. Fall in Binghamton is one of the highlights of my year: the weather is beautiful, fresh fallen snow is really pretty, the semester is short with a number of breaks—and did I mention that the weather is beautiful? No cap for real, a Westchester-city-slicker like me didn’t know what a good Autumn was until I walked the long way from campus to U Club one weekend afternoon in mid-October of my Sophomore year. The year before that, my Freshman-ass saw all the trees in the nature preserve and was so excited for Spring—which I thought would be Eden in New York—and then I experienced it. That, my friends, was my Holden-Caulfield-eating-a-baseball-glove moment (idk I didn’t read the book). What was I talking about?
Anyways… WE ARE SO BACK! With my limitless CIA resources, I have deposed the leftist Madeline Perez. Under my heroic junta, Binghamton Review shall return to its roots. No more of this “humor” nonsense. Satire? I “sat-higher” on your mom last night. No, Binghamton Review is, like Arkham Asylum, a serious place for serious folks (I didn’t read that book either). You will find only the most serious, hard-hitting journalism, opinion pieces, and analysis of current affairs here in this rag. Nothing is off-limits, now that I’m in charge. And just in time, too! With the first GOP presidential “debate” happening just last night (at time of writing), our nation’s politics are heating faster than Chris Christie in a Krispy Kreme. So to capitalize on this trend, we at the Review have decided to write advice for Freshmen who probably won’t (or perhaps can’t) read it.
So what do you do if you’re one of those illiterate Freshmen? You’ve got those reading assignments piling up on your desk, but you don’t even remember whether there’s 25 or 26 letters in the alphabet (everyone always forgets about “y”). Don’t worry! It’s all too common, now that the Premier Public Ivy has dropped whatever semblance of standards it once had. We’re here to help: our “ABCs of Binghamton” on pages _ and _ should learn you a thing or two about our alphabet, not to mention our great university.
Okay, so now you’ve learned to read your “ABCs,” I bet you’re looking for some advice. You’re in luck! Our freshmen-themed advice column on pages 14 and 15 will answer all the questions you didn’t ask for, with answers you can never use.
But what if you want more? If you’re sick of the quotidian “advice for new students” content mill force-feeding you trite slop, consult “Joe’s Declassified: College Survival Guide” on pages 10 and 11, or even my own “Uncommon Advice for College” on pages 8 and 9.
Finally, Logan Blakeslee has generously lent his voice on pages 6 and 7, respectively, explaining how to run a College Republicans chapter in 2023. Although the Review is nonpartisan, we will always encourage better political interactions and free speech for all. Until next time, have a good life!
Sincerely,
Arthur O’Sullivan
Our Mission
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found on campus. We stand against dogma in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the tenents of free expression and believe all sudents should have a voice on campus to convey their thoughts. Finally, we understand that mutual respect is a necessary component of any prosperous society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole.
Advice Column
Ioffered to give you all life advice. Here are your questions.
What’s one thing that embarasses you about your freshman-self?
I used to address my emails with “Ahoy” because I thought others would find it funny/quirky.
Where the FUCK is Library North?
It’s a branch of the Glenn G. Bartle library located near Lake Huron. To get there, you need to walk along I-86 Westbound before taking exit 6 onto I-390 Northbound. From there, take US 20A Westbound before switching to NY-400 Northbound. At this point, you will have reached Buffalo and should transfer to the nearby SUNY, because you’re clearly too stupid to be here.
I tried to go to my class on the first day, but three gnomes blocked my way, demanding I answer their riddles. I couldn’t answer “What gets bigger the more you take away?” I missed the whole class :( and I’m the laughing stock of Binghamton University. How do I explain this to my econometrics professor?
Well my friend, the answer to your riddle is “a hole.” And how fitting it is, that you should ask this question, because the more you blame “the gnomes” for your misfortune, the bigger an “a-hole” you seem.
I live in Hillside and wondered why they call the community meetings “AA Meetings”?
These community meetings are for the many raging alcoholics who live in the Hillside apartments. STAY AWAY!
I’m a freshman and was just wondering if the day we have class switches up whenever we have off. Like how we have Monday classes on Tuesday because of Labor Day. THANK YOU BINGHAMTON REVIEW YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST PUBLICATION EVER CREATED.
This answer is for the thousands of fans and readers who truly care about arriving to their classes on time. So to break it down quite simply… Every third week of the month the schedule of classes changes dramatically. Monday classes take place on Thursday while Tuesday classes take place on Saturday. This leads to Wednesday classes falling on a Sunday and those Friday classes landing on the open Monday. But then in April, we have our spring recess which again leads to a change in the weekly schedule. So instead of the third week in April having Monday classes on
Written by our Staff
Thursday, Tuesday classes on Saturday, Wednesday classes on Sunday, and Friday classes on Monday we just invert the entire schedule so you go to class in reverse order for the entire week until you leave for spring recess. Hope this was helpful and straight to the point.
I’m finding it difficult to get up in time for my 2 pm class. How do I drop it?
Just don’t show up. While you’re sleeping, you can dream that you’re failing the class. And when you wake up, your dreams come true!
I’m a devout nudist and have been facing significant discrimination on campus. My roommate won’t even look at me! How do I create a space for myself and my kin on campus?
I won’t have any problems giving you space! Go back to Free Press you lascivious freak!
How do I cope with being away from my family for the first time in my life?
Listen closely. Whatever you’re feeling is NOT normal. Most people come here and feel absolutely, unconditionally FINE. They are on top of the world, living on Cloud Nine, from August to December. No they don’t miss their families, and NO, they don’t hate them either. Remember, whatever family problems you left behind is YOUR FAULT. Most people come here, have the time of their lives, go home, re-integrate perfectly with their family and hometown, and do that for exactly four years, eight semesters, NO EXCEPTIONS.
What is knowledge?
Knowing where the clitoris is.
Where is the clitoris?
What is that, like a dinosaur or something?
They have recently been technological advancements which allow us to read carbonized scrolls from the ruins of Pompeii. What are you most excited to see?
Having recently read all the erotica of the past few millennia, I’m looking for some more titillating material. In other words, yours truly is hoping to read some hitherto undiscovered Roman spank-bank scrolls.
Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.
RANDOM QUIZ XD
Hey everyone!!! I just compiled this crazy quiz for funsies! Hope you enjoy and NO PEEKING at the results until you’re done!!
What’s was your basal body temperature at the moment you woke up this morning?
A. Between 36.1 °C (97 °F) and 36.4 °C (97.5 °F). Suddenly, it rose to 36.4 °C (97.6 °F) to 37 °C (98.6 °F).
B. 97.2° to 97.8°
C. Above 36.7 C
D. I’m too stressed to know
E. 103 degrees fahrenheit. I’m having delusions.
How much chocolate did you eat today?? Be HONEST!
A. I shouldn’t, But I must!
B. I’m more of a vanilla girlie myself.
C. Depends is it ethical? I only eat child-labor-sourced.
D. *Grabs chocolate.* *takes a large bite* Ahhh. I needed this.
E. If chocolate is slang for pussy then tons.
How are you feeling?
A. So high, like a G6… (Throwback!!)
B. IDK can normal be an answer?
C. Like a million bucks.
D. Darkness, war, pestilence, death, ect.
E. I’m literally Dane Cook.
Who are you currently listening to?
A. The Good life - Weezer
B. Across the sea - Weezer
C. Tired of sex - Weezer
D. Why Bother? - Weezer
E. J. Cole - Lights Please x The Deli - 5:32 pm (Remix)
What is your “bible?”
A. Binghamton review magazine issues
B. The actual bible?? WTF
C. Lord of the Rings… literally the same
D. 1984
E. Beatles Songbook Anthology
How do you stare?
A. Sigma stare
B. Flouride stare
C. Virgin glare
D. StairMaster
E. INTJ Stare
Do your boobs hurt at all?
A. What are boobs?
B. What is “hurt?”
C. Boobs? :)
D. What isn’t “hurt?”
Written by our Staff
E. Boobs! >:(
If you stepped on a Lego, how would you react?
A. No reaction; I didn’t feel the pain. Also, I’d fuck the lego.
B. I’d say “oh drat!” and walk it off.
C. I’d cry.
D, I’d groan and roll my eyes.
E. I’d build a fort from all the legos I’ve ever stepped on (2).
If you stick a clean finger in your vagina, what is the texture of your cervical mucus?
A. Clear, thin and slippery, like the world’s worst egg whites.
B. Thick, sticky, and opaque, like Binghamton Review’s articles
C. Imagine meringue from the aforementioned “world’s worst egg whites.”
D. What the f- GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SHOWER!
E. My fingers are never clean ;(
What’s the most attractive quality in a man?
A. Yelling at his mother and calling her a “bitch” to her face.
B. Having more phobias and neuroses than hairs on his head.
C. Being unable to talk about anything besides Nintendo and children’s cartoons from the early 2000s.
D. Taking two-hour bathroom breaks, leaving me to take care of our three toddlers alone,
E. He likes me :3
Mostly A’s
CONGRADUALATIONS!! You’re ovulating :3. If you want little tiny babies that are SO CUTE oooh coochie coochie cooo, you better find a sperm-spooger now!
Mostly B’s
Rev up those estrogen-machines, because you’re in the Follicular phase. Enjoy the temperatures circa 36.4℃ while it lasts, ‘cause when we go up to 36.7, you’ll be wondering how you didn’t get frostbite back then.
Mostly C’s
Better call John Dowland and strike up that four-part harmony, because you’re in the Luteal Phase. Get it? Be- because “LUTE”eal? It sounded funnier in my head.
Mostly D’s
U better figure out what size pussy u wear quick, cuz U R MENSTRUATING BABY! Now don’t worry, you can now tell that to every man you see and watch him squirm uncomfortably
Mostly E’s
As a doctor (of Education), I can confidently assert that there is something deeply wrong with you, both physiologically and psychologically. I would ordinarily suggest seeking medical attention, but you might just be beyond salvation.
“A Brief Guide on Restoring, Expand- ing, and Protecting Conservatism on College Campuses”
Logan Blakeslee is the former Central Region Co-Chairman of the New York Federation of College Republicans and the former Vice-President of the Binghamton University College Republicans.
The hardest part of being a conservative or libertarian-minded student on most college campuses in America is staying true to your own values. It takes no effort at all to keep silent, go with the crowd, and parrot whatever the professor says for an easy grade. It is much more difficult to speak your mind in class or in public and ostracize oneself, especially at a stage in life where social acceptance means everything.
In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, countless chapters of conservative-leaning clubs throughout the United States vanished without a trace. Leading members graduated and it was hard to muster excitement when meetings were held over Zoom, despite the numerous major political events taking place. This left many right-leaning students more isolated than ever. This was the exact experience of the Binghamton University College Republicans from 20202021.
This guide will provide a few important steps on how to make your C.R. chapter Great Again™. I can assure all readers that I and many others learned these lessons the hard way. If followed properly, you will have created a bastion for freedom-lovers and free-thinkers that will last many years after you graduate. In other words, your successors will conserve your success!
Within two weeks of arriv-
By Logan Blakeslee
ing on campus, you will get a general impression of your college’s political climate. Beyond the signs promoting DEI initiatives or seminars from professors with beards and glasses who admire Michel Foucault to an uncomfortable degree, the dialogue from your peers will indicate whether your college campus is lukewarm liberal or U.C. Berkeley. The political atmosphere may change annually as students and elections come and go, but it is always a valuable experience to communicate and befriend moderates and liberals who will tolerate your beliefs.
The more open the environment, the more your club can host events that demonstrate a full commitment to bipartisanship and political involvement. The BUCR went through the effort of organizing a (great) debate with College Libertarians and College Democrats in the Fall semester of 2022. This attracted a sizable crowd and allowed students to hear opinions that might never have been shared in classrooms or dorms. In the following semester, the three clubs joined together for a new summit on political engagement which has done well in further warming relations between once-vitriolic rivals.
The real ticket to success for College Republicans, however, is advertising. We were very careful to set up posters every single week on almost every available wall on campus. These posters informed members and newcomers of meeting times and locations, which changed frequently due to the lack of a permanent club office. Canva (a graphic design software program) will quickly become your new best friend for churning out decent-looking posters. In addition, emailing club schedules from our Student Association account was similarly helpful in reaching as many students as possible.
Combined with advertising, a College Republicans chapter must have events worth attending if it is to survive. Talking about the latest news can provide some worthwhile discussions, though it may get repetitive after a while. You can also host local elected officials to speak on campus, send students to volunteer on election campaigns, support a bid for student government, network for internships (I recommend the Leadership Institute for the more high-profile internships), and plenty more. The opportunities are
The more open the environment, the more your club can host events that demonstrate a full commitment to bipartisanship and political involvement.
endless, and this can all be achieved with little-to-no budget funding for your chapter, which will be important if you’re starting from the ground up. The bulk of a club’s budget should be spent on two important items: snacks and big off-campus events. Nothing keeps an audience captivated like pizza and drinks for general body meetings. Beyond that, taking an annual pilgrimage to CPAC, the YAF National Conservative Student Conference, or even a campaign
rally will boost morale and serve as a memorable bonding experience for all members. These events can be especially pricey, so it’s best to coordinate, apply for grants early, and carefully craft a budget that allows as many willing members to attend as possible.
Another pricey activity is hosting a prominent conservative speaker on campus. Should the stars align and your chapter thinks about getting Ben Shapiro or an adjacent figure to visit, get ready to fundraise. The BUCR ran multiple bake sales in 2023 in order to bring an upstart economist named Daniel DiMartino all the way to Binghamton. Some of us had to carry out delivery orders to cover the security fee, which came out to almost half of the speaker’s fee. If you can work well with your Student Association or conservative, nonpartisan organizations, it’s possible to have their assistance in reducing costs, applying for special grants, or otherwise making ends meet for this event.
The trouble with any openly conservative event, however, is not solely in funding or attendance. Trouble can be found in abundance among agitators from within and without. From without, there will be students who steal, vandalize, or destroy posters and other materials for the sake of limiting your event’s (or even your chapter’s) visibility. Do not let them win. Patrol your campus. Replace any lost or defaced posters as soon as you can. Report every incident to the Student Association, administration, Student Conduct, campus police, student publications, to anyone who will listen. Even if nothing comes from it, you will at least have a paper trail. This will come in handy if the following comes to pass:
If an event or a guest speaker gets enough attention, there is a high risk of protesters appearing and causing disruption. This happens often at College Republican or TPUSA chapters all over the United States. Recent incidents include disruptions at Cornell
University with Ann Coulter and at SUNY Albany with Ian Haworth, not to mention Binghamton University’s own incident with the economist Arthur Laffer. The radicalized students at these institutions caused thousands of dollars to be wasted, and they intimidated dozens of students for their opinions. It can be difficult to prevent this sort of behavior when university administrators are unwilling to do anything besides offer empty platitudes and lenient punishments.
One practical solution is to mandate an attendance record, wherein all guests must sign their names or register online prior to their arrival. This discourages anonymous hecklers from interfering with an event and would aid in identifying those who disrupt an event to the police and administration. If a disruption receives enough widespread attention, you can potentially seek help from FIRE (Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression) to advocate for stronger First Amendment protections on campus grounds.
Beyond all that, internal disagreements within your chapter can be far more destructive than progressive hecklers or biased administrators. A CR chapter typically has a mix of what may be called classical liberals, libertarians, neo-conservatives, populists, and paleo-conservatives. While we generally fight on the same side on 90% of the issues, the remaining 10% can fracture a group and lead to splinter-organizations. It’s generally wise to
give everyone a chance to express their opinions and treat everyone equally, but it is also important to hold “con-
By “troublemakers,” I am not referring to the likes of Steven Crowder when he holds up a “Change My Mind” sign on campus.
servative” troublemakers responsible if they impede your chapter’s mission. By “troublemakers,” I am not referring to the likes of Steven Crowder when he holds up a “Change My Mind” sign on campus. I am referring to blatant opportunists who will throw your club under the bus if it advances their political career—people who pursue a title but want none of the responsibility that comes with it. Vouch for your peers who have a proven track record of hard work and good character. Above all, keep an eye out for those who wear the “conservative” label but sneak in authoritarian, racist, or otherwise deranged sentiments, like Nick Fuentes.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the accumulated wisdom I gained over five years in College Republicans, first at SUNY Broome and now at SUNY Binghamton. There is always more to talk about, because politics is a non-stop game, and we are all its players, whether we like it or not. I encourage younger people to stay involved in their communities and to vote as often as possible. The policies which your elected officials implement will affect you eventually. By joining a CR chapter, you can stand on the first line of defense for the Constitution and traditional values, and in the future, you can take the lessons you will have learned into public office or a private practice.
In the GOP Presidential debate last week, Governor Ron DeSantis reminded us that decline is a choice, but so is success. Stick to your guns and speak the truth, and your success will be guaranteed. I wish you the best of luck.
Uncommon Advice for College
By Arthur O’Sullivan
HiFreshmen. Are you sick of the generic “Advice for Freshmen” that everyone and their grandma vomits everywhere you turn? The advice that goes like “stay hydrated ;)!” and “don’t overwhelm yourself :3” and “be nice to your roommates :::::::::)))))))))))),” et cetera et cetera? Would you sooner eat a lick your communal bathroom’s floor than listen to another “Study tips you NEED to know to succeed”?
Well first of all, stop whining. They’re only trying to help. Stupid as some of the advice is, you may not realize just how stupid some of your peers are. The fact that you’ve read this far without turning on the ‘TikTok Subway Surfers stim-a-tron 3000’ tells me that you’re already smarter than three-quarters of the Binghamton undergrad population.
Second of all, I feel your pain (I don’t). I just hope that this article tells you all the things you don’t need to know, but are nice to know, for your life in college. I developed this advice over my four years in college through trial and (occasionally painful) error. As such, I feel that I have earned the right to pontificate over today’s youngsters, dispensing sagacious advice to all those who didn’t ask for it. You need not be a freshman to suckle from the knowledge-teat that is this article. Hell, anyone could benefit from this article, if they’re creative enough. Just sit back and read my (only partially ironic) advice.
Basic Binghamton Geography
As you’ve learned from your parents, grandparents, great-uncles-thrice-removed-from- Lincoln etc all asking you for your mailing address, Binghamton University is in Vestal, not the City of Binghamton. Be prepared to repeat that factoid in every conversation in the next four years. Vestal is a quite pretty town, especially in fall. Its sprawling parkway is balanced out by irenic suburbs. You can walk to places like U Club, the Innovative Technologies Complex, and the various houses of worship along Murray Hill Road with relative ease. If you need to go further out (or you’re just a wimp), buses cover a lot of the major spots. The county buses are colored white, climate controlled, easy to figure out on Google Maps, and consistently run five minutes late—if they show up at all. The university buses are colored blue, have no A/C, and open the windows in winter for some reason. They’re also tricky to figure out without the constantly-changing website PDFs, a pre-existing knowledge of Binghamton’s geography, and a crack pipe. I would explain it further—that would make this article actually useful—but it only really makes sense when you do it every day. Expect this philosophy in many of your classes.
The university itself is divided with two anatomical terms: “The Brain,” and “The Spine.”
The “Brain” is one road with three names. Yet whereas “West Drive” and “East Drive” are self-explanatory, “Glenn G. Bartle Drive” is not. You take Glenn G. Bartle Drive to campus from Vestal Parkway. Ok fair enough. You go east (left, since you’re going South—because everything in Binghamton is upside-down), and it becomes East drive, right? Right?! NO! It’s
still Glenn G. Bartle Drive because he’s JUST THAT IMPORTANT! First of all, who in the name of CRUMB CAKE is Glenn G. Bartle? I’ve been here for three damnable years! I’ve spent more hours in the Glenn G. Bartle library than I have on the toilet! I sleep in Glenn G. Bartle-themed pajamas and bedsheets, and I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS! I could easily Google him, but I like feeling self-righteous in my pathetic ignorance. (Expect this philosophy a lot among your peers.) If YOU know who he is, good for you! Put that on your resume! Send a 12,000 word biography to editor@binghamtonreview.com! I’ll definitely read it! But to whomever decided that this here college just NEEDED to have “one more thing” a la Columbo named after good old Glenn… make like a shrimp and KRILL YOURSELF! “The Brain” is called that because it’s shaped like a brain.
You’ll find dorms, dining halls, and facilities on the outside of “The Brain.” You’ll find everything else besides the nature preserve on the inside of “The Brain,” including “The Spine.” I still don’t know what “The Spine” is. If you know, send it to editor@ binghamtonreview.com. I’m serious this time. I really should know this; I hear it all the time, but I don’t know where it starts and ends.
The nature preserve is really cool and pretty in fall, and awful and muddy most other times. You can find entrances on West Access Road, just outside Mountainview (take three guesses for why it’s called that). It took me two years to figure out that there’s a higher level (higher up, go figure) and a lower level of the nature preserve. I was just walking around the pond like a chump. But now let us look to the east, to Binghamton. The City of Binghamton is, like Gaul, divided into three parts. Two rivers do the dividing: the Susquehanna, which runs east-west, and the Chenango, which runs north-south. West of the Susquehanna lies the West Side. Lots of student housing and buses, and plenty of professors live here too. South of the Chenango lies the South Side. East of the Susquehanna lies the East Side. SIKE! It’s Downtown. (That sounded funnier in my head.) Downtown is where all the cool kids go on weekends to drink absinthe and smoke crack or whatever they do at bars. I’m too busy arguing on the internet for things like that. I used to think that there wasn’t a North Side or an East Side in Binghamton, but Google says there is. Apparently they’re north and east of Downtown respectively. North of the West Side is called “First Ward,” for some reason. The South Side is also divided into “Southside East” and “Southside West,” but I’m falling asleep as I type this. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna overdiagnosed-ADHD-shift my way to another subject. Flush
nals After You Finish
Join as Many Clubs as Possible
Uh-oh, this advice is starting to sound common. Let me clarify: when I say “Join as Many Clubs as Possible,” I do not mean “join a lot of clubs.” I mean to say “Join as many clubs as you can pack into your tight schedul-ussy, freshie.”
I’m serious. Disgusting abuses of the English language aside, there really is no rule against showing up for the General Interest Meeting (that’s “GIM” for all the cool kids here) and never coming back. Nobody will resent you for it. They’ll just be happy that anyone showed up at all. By showing up to EVERYTHING in the first few weeks, you’ll quickly learn where you fit in, who cramps your style, which clubs are weird psy-ops (looking at you, Cheese Club), and what your $100 “Undergraduate Activity Fee” grievously overfunds.
From your roommate who sleeps from 6 A.M. to 9 P.M. complaining “my professor fucking sucks, dude,” to a former president complaining about “THE RIGGERS,” the idea that “the whole system’s fucked” is as pervasive as it is a masturbatory exercise in abdicating responsibility. In other, simpler words: It’s cope.
themselves out of Hell, and others dig themselves deeper. Copy the former— you’re allowed to, there’s no plagiarism checker for life—and avoid the latter’s mistakes. Above all, never say that you can’t get better because “they” won’t let you. Administrators don’t want you to fail. Professors really don’t want you to fail. Republicans don’t want you to fail. God, if He exists, doesn’t want you to fail.
After showing up and joining the GroupMe (DO NOT JOIN ANY DISCORDS), you can ease off for a while. Go to class, hang out with your new friends, play video games, whatever goons your micropenis. But if you’re ever feeling lonely, or need some oddly specific advice, you now have a myriad of clubs that you can show up to or consult with. Club presidents (those nerds) really love that stuff, so take advantage of it while you can. Did I mention that Binghamton Review is looking for new members? Well, whether you’re persuaded or put-off by my attempts at humor, I sincerely believe that everyone can profit from this final piece of advice. Everything before this was at least a little facetious, but on the following subject, I’m dead serious.
“No Patrick, the system isn’t ‘rigged’ against you.”
Seriously, I could dedicate a whole article to this awful, paranoid, and whiny worldview. I’ll be writing about college, but this could be applied almost anywhere besides North Korea. From your roommate who sleeps from 6 A.M. to 9 P.M. complaining “my professor [who he hasn’t met] fucking sucks, dude,” to a former president complaining about “THE RIGGERS,” the idea that “the whole system’s fucked” is as pervasive as it is a masturbatory exercise in abdicating responsibility. In other, simpler words: It’s cope.
If you’re struggling in college, that’s fine. You’re lonely. Your roommates are annoying. Your classes are hard. Your grades are dipping. Your room is a mess. And these are the easier things you’re dealing with? I’ve been there. Most everyone’s “been there,” some before college; some during; some after. Some poor souls have to deal with it all their life. But that’s just the thing: they deal with it.
I’m not trying to be flippant or dismissive when I say that whatever you’re facing has been faced before, by billions of other people. You’re paying at least $10k annually to attend an institution that provides internet and several sprawling libraries. You can find someone, in your life, in history, or in literature, that has experienced your situation. Learn from them. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Find out how some people drag
There’s a famous monologue from T.S. Eliot’s The Cocktail Party that I saw quoted in some Jordan Peterson compilation or those ‘motivational’ videos that come a dime-a-dozen on YouTube. Stupid as those videos can be sometimes, the play itself is beautiful. (There’s a great recording on YouTube starring Alec Guiness). The quote I’m thinking of appears in a dialogue between Celia Coplestone, a former homewrecker who struggles with the “unreality” of other people, and her psychiatrist. The end of her previous affair has left her struggling with existential angst, whereupon she says one of the most humble, yet also inspiring lines in 20th century literature:
Well, there are two things I can’t understand, Which you might consider symptoms. But first I must tell you That I should really like to think there’s something wrong with me—
Because, if there isn’t, then there’s something wrong, Or at least, very different from what it seemed to be, With the world itself—and that’s much more frightening! That would be terrible. So I’d rather believe There is something wrong with me, that could be put right. I’d do anything you told me, to get back to normality.
Celia goes on to become a martyr, murdered in a humanitarian mission to the fictitious island of Kinkanja. Yet her death was triumphant and saintlike, as she finally understood, and was understood by, humanity. You don’t need to do all that. It sounds like a whole thing. Yet you should understand that whatever angst you’re facing is your own to fix, and nobody else’s. For all the troubles in the world—war, racism, snow in May, biochemistry—your whining and learned helplessness will only add to them. So go out and fix them with a smile, or at least without a sigh.
Figure 1: A Binghamton Student experiences the most beautiful afternoon of his ife
Joe’s Declassified: College Survival Guide
In a college full of closed dining halls. Insane final papers and nowhere to park your car, I, Joe Bigby, will help you do the impossible: survive college! [insert wacky theme song]
Now you may be asking yourself: who is Joe and why do I care about his advice? Well for one, I’m someone who’s made it through college and accomplished pretty much all of my professional goals. In other words, I know what works and what doesn’t. I’m also not one to pull punches, or refrain from unconventional advice that I know works. Now then, before I get into the guide I would like to state that there are masters and sages who have written much more about the topics I will discuss, so take this as a beginner’s guide to success. That being said, here’s my guide to surviving college…
Temper your expectations
Let’s talk about why you’re here. Some people might say that there is no right way to go through college. Those people are either liars or sophists; they are definitely cowards. No you’re not here to be a full time party goer, you’re not here to lose your virginity or rack up a body count, you’re not here to own the “LIBS” or the “CHUDS”. I wouldn’t even say that earning a degree is a great reason to be here. What you’re here to do is to get an education and grow. Why else would you spend tens of thousands of dollars to be here? But what is an education, and what does it mean to grow? This guide will explain it all.
Take the earliest classes
Starting off, you should be looking into taking the earliest classes available. Why? Because it forces you to build a solid morning routine. If you’re goofing around on TikTok and YouTube until the afternoon, you’re not gonna make it. Discipline is a vital skill and it starts with getting out of bed and getting your ass to class. It’s the people who can consistently do things that need to be done who get ahead not only in college but also out of college. Think about all those kids who used to complain about waking up at 6:30 back in high school. Do you think they’re going out of their way to take these classes? Ideally you would start your first class to start sometime between 8AM and 9:30AM. (In any case you should wake up at least 45 minutes prior to starting your first class) Afterwards, you should study, work on assignments and attend any other classes you have finishing your schoolwork sometime between 4 and 6. This will give you the opportunity not only to relax but also to participate in one of the epic clubs (of which Binghamton Review is one of the best). Fraternity is an important part of any man’s life. You should not deprive yourself of it because you’re too lazy to get out of bed before 10 AM. Of course not everyone may have the opportunity to take an early class everyday. However the important thing is to build and
By Joe Badalamenti
maintain an early morning routine. Do this and you’re already in the top 10% of students. Source? Just look around. College is not a sprint, don’t treat it as one
At the beginning of your college classes, you might have a burst of energy and motivation to do well. You’ll be happy to study hard and ace all of your classes. Unfortunately, this high state of energy and motivation will fade over time, leading to burnout if not careful. Moreover, classes are not uniform in their difficulty. They will begin with introductory and easy lectures and build to more advanced material. Homework and reading assignments will begin to buildup as well. Hence the importance of finding a proper pace. To use a track-and-field analogy, college is not a sprint. Each semester lasts about three and a half months. So instead of using up all your energy at the beginning, it’s better to find a tough pace that you can hold for the duration of the semester. From there, you can adjust as necessary.
Let’s talk about why you’re here. Some people might say that there is no right way to go through college. Those people are either liars or sophists; they are definitely cowards.
Touch grass
Don’t be the student who spends most of their time sitting in a dorm (pod) all day. College is more than just a curriculum. You will see all kinds of things there, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the sacred and the obscene. I’ve met people who are much smarter than me, who are much more charismatic than me, and I’ve also met people who think drinking half a bottle of tequila is normal for a Wednesday evening. If you have some extra time on your hands,
Touch Grass, Nerd. Anonymous, 2023.
Explore. Explore the campus. Explore the Union Explore the former campus pub. Once you’ve explored everything, then learn. Learn from all of it. Binghamton is fortunate enough to have a very vibrant campus, so there will always be something to see. Unless you have good reason to be home, then you shouldn’t be there.
Stay in Shape
In Binghamton, Winter is coming… and it will be harsh. You will need to stay in proper shape. I could write an entire article about this topic but for now, I’ll stick with the basics. Exercise at least three days a week. Focus on both strength training (weights, and gym equipment) and cardio (running, swimming, biking). You don’t need to exercise alone, you can join one of the intramural teams or sports clubs. There’s plenty of different options so pick whichever looks interesting and worthwhile for your time. You should also develop a healthy diet. While your options available depend mainly on whether you live on or off-campus, all that I’ll say is don’t eat anything too processed and eat enough protein and carbohydrates to get through the day. Also skip breakfast if you can handle it.
Celebrate only when you have earned it
Now because this is modern-day college we’re talking about, I should mention that there is a difference between rewarding yourself and making a fool of yourself. Don’t be the one puking all over the bathrooms of C4.
As time goes on, you should expect to achieve some minor and major victories. As these come, don’t be afraid to reward yourself for doing well. This will encourage you to keep up the effort and achieve more victories in the future. Now because this is modern-day college we’re talking about, I should mention that there is a difference between rewarding yourself and making a fool of yourself. Don’t be the one puking all over the bathrooms of C4. There will be temptations towards all sorts of dangerous activities, so be sure to avoid anything that will endanger your body or soul like the plague.
Doing well in class is the bare minimum
So you’ve paced yourself, devoted an appropriate amount of time to studies and aced all of your classes. Congratulations! You’ve done the bare minimum. The idea that you can focus on learning one special subject in college and rely on it through the rest of your life is a delusion perpetuated by boomers who lived in a society that allowed it. Even if you’re studying a profession like Engineering or Accounting, work is more than performing technical tasks. In fact technical work may be completely absent from your future entry-level job (as is the case for myself). This is not to dissuade you from doing well in class. Technical
competence is the bare minimum for future success. So what else is there to learn? The biggest thing after technical skills is “people skills.” Being able to work with others to achieve results, the ability to persuade others to adopt your point of view, the ability to write pieces adapted to different audiences etc. are not only versatile but crucial for success. Moreover, these skills will be developed not only in class but also outside of class. Beyond this, I would also recommend working on any weaknesses or vices that you might have. If you smoke weed or watch pornography now would be the time to quit before you enter the real world.
The opposite sex is probably a waste of time
Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely possible to find the girl/ guy of your dreams in college. However this probably won’t be the case with your lab partner or your discussion partner or especially not that person you meet past midnight downtown. It’s much more prudent to work on improving yourself and your ability to discern a good partner. Moreover don’t become anxious if you’re single, as the Bible says: “House and riches are given by parents: but a prudent wife is properly from the LORDl” (Proverbs 19:14 DR)
Always be prepared and have a backup plan
There will be times when things don’t go your way. Maybe you don’t get into that class you really wanted to take. Maybe you don’t get that position you were aiming for. Maybe a group of friends turns on you for no reason at all. Whatever the case may be, it would be wise to prepare for the worst. Make backup plans, if possible, and never put all your eggs in one basket.
Pray
My last piece of advice is to pray to God. If you don’t have any prayer habits at the moment, now is the best time to start. This advice applies to everyone, even the atheists and agnostics: “The fool hath said in his heart: There is no God” (Psalm 13:1 DR). If you don’t know how to pray, you may begin with some basic prayers such as the “Our Father”, the “Hail Mary” and “Grace” before meals. Moreover, ignore any new-agey mediation practices. This will only lead to evil. If you meditate, fill your mind with what is objectively good and reflect on that for a while. Also beware of modern psychiatry, the fruits of which are ineffective at best and outright destructive at worst. I can say a lot more about these things, but I’ll leave that for another article.
The Problem with the Pro-Life Movement
Presidential hopeful Ron Desantis made headlines recently when he announced that he did not believe that women who had an abortion should be criminally punished, even if it were illegal. This was naturally controversial. It satisfied neither committed pro-lifers, who would see such practice as rendering any abortion restriction de-facto toothless, nor pro-choicers, who would be opposed to any ban regardless. Most importantly, however, this suggestion, echoed by figures such as Nikki Haley, reveals a deep and fundamental problem with the pro-life movement. Sacrificing comprehensive bans for the sake of political expediency is a contradiction between belief and behavior. This stems from two root causes: the first insufficiently developed, illogical, or counterproductive arguments for the pro-life cause; the second is a lack of conviction for said cause.
I have attended the March for Life in Washington D.C.—the largest pro-life rally in the nation—twice in my life. These attendances had the opposite of the intended effect, causing me to become critical of the pro-life movement writ-large, as I would come away with two primary observations.
The first, which I will only touch upon briefly, was that the second march focused on Trump significantly more than the first. As I saw his merchandise being peddled by vendors to the crowd, his virtues being extolled to the high heavens, I recognized that the whole event took on the characteristics of a Trump or Republican rally. For an event which should not be partisan (and arguably cannot be partisan if it seeks to bring about a transformation of American society), this seemed highly counterproductive.
By El Lento
The second, more major thing I observed was that the average pro-lifer does not have any actual legal or political arguments against abortion, but merely religious ones. Throughout both rallies, I witnessed numerous speakers frequently default to religious or spiritual platitudes: from the women who had abortions and then repented after converting to Christianity, to the preachers who would cite some Biblical text to argue against abortion, to the speaker who claimed that they voted against abortion in their state because people there loved Jesus. What should become quickly apparent to anyone reading this is that these arguments apply solely to Christians, effectively excluding a sizable portion of this country from the mainstream pro-life cause. Beyond this, I will argue that even for the purpose of targeting Christians, they are poor arguments.
First, these appeals to religion lend credence to the pro-choice argument that those opposed to abortion are all religious fundamentalists, bent on forcing their religion down the American people’s throats. Pro-choice activists therefore argue that any abortion ban is a violation of the 1st Amendment and its
The titular “problem with the pro-life movement” is not just that religious arguments are employed, but that these religious arguments are used in place of—or to the exclusion of— classical liberal arguments.
anti-establishment clause. By framing the pro-life movement in entirely religious terms, moderate or passive Christians are therefore likely to oppose abortion bans, considering that the separation of church and state is an integral part of American culture and political thought. In fact, while I am a Christian, if the only arguments against abortion were religious, as the March for Life suggests, I could not support an abortion ban. The liberal political framework on which America rests is based on natural rights, individual liberty, freedom of conscience and a general deference to an individual’s conscience and right to act (insofar as it does not impede the liberties of others).
This dovetails with Christianity (excluding those with erroneous beliefs concerning predestination), in that it relies upon one freely and willfully choosing to follow God. Thus, if one ought to be able to choose whether or not to reject God, and thus choose whether he will be damned, it follows, then, that attempting to force other issues of morality on the basis of religion would be not only contradictory but also be pointless. Finally, within our liberal society, many things are legal but undoubtedly sinful: blasphemy, witchcraft, adultery, even gluttony or drunkenness could be considered contrary to God’s will. Yet to suggest that
Former President Trump addresses the March for Life on January 19, 2018.
these actions should be legally prohibited is absurd.
Nevertheless, there are reasons to argue in favor of legislative bans on abortion which are rational, constitutional, and consistent with liberalism. Put simply, abortion should be prohibited on the basis that the unborn ought to be considered persons, entitled to the same natural rights and protections as anyone else. Thus, the active act of killing, which abortion constitutes, is inherently a violation of these rights.
The purpose of this article is to demonstrate that the prolife movement can and ought to be justified by rational—rather than religious—arguments, and that abortion ought to be viewed as akin to, if not itself an act of murder. The more intricate and detailed analysis of and arguments about abortion are beyond the scope of this article. Instead, I will simply refer those looking for said detailed analysis to look up the beliefs of departurism, which is the position on abortion which I consider to be most consistent with individual liberty.
The titular “problem with the pro-life movement” is not just that religious arguments are employed, but that these religious arguments are used in place of—or to the exclusion of— classical liberal arguments. I will not deny that many of the most adamantly pro-life activists do not share my concerns about the separation of church and state nor supporting and preserving the liberal tradition. They thus see no reason to find alternative legal justifications for abortion bans. However, I believe there are many who hold anti-abortion beliefs on religious grounds, while still supporting the First Amendment. These people are the many members of the public who do not deeply develop or examine their beliefs, and simply latch onto whatever surface-level justification has been offered. The religious arguments in this regard effectively serve as a crutch: a simple, easily digested explanation which does not require much mental rigor. Because of this lack of examination, however, there is likewise a lack of conviction.
When one makes a decision based upon a whim, this often results in him having little commitment to this decision. For many pro-lifers, their opposition to abortion in practice manifests as treating it as something with which they are simply uncomfortable or have a distaste, rather than a great injustice. These people have simply relied on either an intuitive opposition or passive compliance to dogma, instead of personally examining the ethics of it. Furthermore, many—even if they strongly support banning abortion on religious grounds—likely do not feel that these abortion bans should cause suffering to women who received abortions. In this view, these women are simply acting contrary to the pro-lifer’s religious beliefs rather than committing a uniquely heinous act of violence against their fellow man. Further, the unresolved contradiction between religious rationales for restrictions, and their latent support for the separation of church and state likewise undoubtedly causes a lack of conviction on what should be done about internal conflict crippling the pro-life’s movement. This then would explain why many pro-lifers display these apparently contradictory behaviors, wherein they do not
treat the issue with the gravity the situation deserves. For instance, it has frequently been the byword among religious pro-lifers that women receiving abortions are victims as well. They therefore need consolation and support. There is no denying that many who receive abortions likely do feel a sense of guilt and mental anguish over their actions, and that they made this decision due to poor circumstances. Despite these factors, however, the response by pro-lifers is completely and totally at odds with how society responds to other actions of similar moral ramifications. Imagine for a second that someone in an inner city comes from an impoverished background. Financially his prospects are dim, he receives little social support from friends or family, and yet he still desires and hopes to go to college to make a better life for himself. To this end, he decides to rob a local store and kill the owner so that he can have enough money to attend college. While some may say that even in this situation, the Christian thing would be to still show him love and compassion, nobody would consider him a victim of his own actions. Nobody would believe that he shouldn’t face consequences for these actions. Nobody would treat him as if he was simply momentarily confused. He would be seen as a murder who committed a horrific act for his own self-benefit and treated as such.
While I am a Christian, if the only arguments against abortion were religious, as the March for Life suggests, I could not support an abortion ban.
This discrepancy would not be altogether consequential if it were simply a matter of having the “right” attitude towards abortion compared to having the “wrong” one, but this undoubtedly has a tangible impact on the debate over abortion as well. When pro-lifers continue to insist that abortion is wrong on the basis of it being an act of murder, their refusal to treat it with the same gravity as the murder of and their refusal to respond accordingly suggests that they do not truly believe that it is an act of murder. Thus, any observer is likely to immediately find their arguments neither genuine nor credible, and dismiss them out of hand. The pro-lifers would thus be limiting their ability to convince a wider audience. This, in turn, detracts from their ability to bring about their desired changes.
These people have simply relied on either an intuitive opposition or passive compliance to dogma, instead of personally examining the ethics of it.
If the members of the pro-life movement seek to bring about real societal and legal change, they must appeal to their audience with simple, nonreligious arguments, and demonstrate that they are genuine in the beliefs by standing firm, as opposed to treating it as a normal political problem that can be resolved through wheeling-and-dealing. Furthermore, the pro-life movement as a whole must remove from positions of prominence those who simultaneously support restricting access to or completely banning contraceptives. Not only is it an unjustifiable intrusion into personal affairs, but it would only increase the number of abortions. Similarly, it would be in the best interests of pro-life advocates to further sexual education regarding the usage of birth control, offer instructions on how to avoid pregnancy, and to offer free or discounted contraceptives in impoverished regions to increase the likelihood they will be used.
ABCs of Binghamton - 2023
Written by our Staff
Another year, another “ABCs of Binghamton.” These two pages are all you’ll need to navigate the manifold complexities of Binghamton life in 2023. As per tradition, we won’t repeat anything from previous years, so if you still need guidance after these 26 letters, there’s plenty more where this came from. Now let’s make like kindergarteners and learn our “ABCs.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just remembered I’m in Binghamton.
Bigly. A perfectly cromulent word, you can add it at the end of any verb to add that extra “oomph.” Example sentences include “Trump got arrested bigly,” or “I just failed Gen Chem bigly.”
Condoms. To all you virgin freshmen: Just because they are free, does not mean you should take them. Please leave them for the people who actually have sex. Not that I’ve ever met someone like that.
Dick’s Sporting Goods. If I hear one more ad for this godforsaken place, I will CIRCUMCISE THIS DICK! And thats a promise.
Eco-friendly. THE STRAWS HAVE GONE WOKE! F
ake. Whether it’s your peers, or their IDs, you’ll have to deal with people’s fraudulence at some point.
Goodwill. Where you’ll do all your after-school shopping after this semester bill hits.
Hinman. Hinman is NOT home! BOOM!
ITS. It fucking sucks and the wifi’s not working.
Justice. Not a lick of it to be found, while we still lack our office.
KILL ALL FRESHMEN. “HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR (Freshmen) AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.”
Learning. Something you will do surprisingly little of in your classes.
Mice. As in the mice in the CIW walls who sing songs of yesteryear and whisper paranoid tirades about your sleeping roommate. YES THEY’RE REAL!
Taxes. The only thing certain apart from death and Binghamton students whining about their professor.
Nice. Despite all our complaints, Binghamton is generally nice. SIKE!
Utilitarianism. The happiness you gain from fucking my girlfriend is just as valid as my happiness, and if I choose to be happy about it, then am I really being cucked?
Onomatopoeia - whap! Bang! OWOWOWOWWEEEEE! That will be the sounds of when I encounter a dirty freshman. Fithy fuckers.
Vehicular manslaughter. Freshmen beware. Those “speed-tables” were made for eating concrete, and it’s dinner time.
Pipedream. The primary print-media, more prolific in its piss-stream that the plenitude of polemical publications at Binghamton.
Wagie. What you’ll be the second you graduate. Or–If you’re lucky–you’re already there!
Quiet. A concept foreign to everyone’s downstairs neighbor at four in the morning. How did you get a drum kit in your room? Why do you have so many different girlfriends when I get NONE?!
RReefer - the only coping mechanism you’ll use in these 4 years of hell.
Stop. As in, STOP leaving your items in the lecture hall and expecting people to find them for you! Your waterbottle is mine. Your airpods are mine. Your student ID? My student ID.
XElon Musk’s new innovation, the man constantly in a race against himself to loose as much money as possible. Bro i fkn hate that guy… HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE REAL-LIFE TONY STARK?!!
You. The only person able to save you from your terrible grades.
Zodiac killer. Who would’ve guessed he was so right about killing annoying bitches who believe in astrology (Not trying to be sexist I’ll just never forget that girl I tried to befriend who told me we couldn’t talk anymore when she found out I was a scorpio (I’m a girl, btw. Also this is a real story and happened to me at BU and I still think about it at night and cry and punch the walls))
