BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXXII, Issue VII Tommy Gagliano
Managing Editor Brian Murray Copy Desk Chief Matt Gagliano
Business Manager Joe Badalamenti
Social Media Shitposters Lacey Kestecher, Sebastian Roman
Editor Emeritus
Patrick McAuliffe Jr.
Staff Writers
Bryn Lauer, Harold Rook, Joe Dorn, Kevin Vorrath, Madeline Perez, Jon Lizak
Contributors
Harold Rook, Ben Dover, Musclini
Special Thanks To:
Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
SEX SURVEY RESULTS
PAGE 8 3 4 5 6 7 10 11 12 13 14 15
by Our Staff
Editorial by Tommy Gagliano Press Watch by Our Staff The Great Debate by Madeline Perez THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK CAN ADD SIX by Harold Rook INCHES! VOLCEL by Musclini No E-Girls by Joe Badalamenti Shat: America’s Horniest Musical Masterpiece by Ben Dover Conservatives Should Support Over-the-Counter Birth Control by Tommy Gagliano Valentine’s Day is a Scam by Matt Gagliano Response to Pipe Dream & Frances Beal Society’s Absurd Accusations by Binghamton Review E-Board In Response to Frances Beal Society’s Response to Tom Reed and Harvey Stenger by Bryn Lauer
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2
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Vol. XXXII, Issue VII
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
Is that Careless Whisper I hear playing in the background? Oh no... that must mean... it’s Valentine’s Day already? And if it’s Valentine’s Day... then I suppose this is the Binghamton Review Sex Issue! Or, the mostly-Sex Issue. Unfortunately, Pipe Dream and Frances Beal Society had to ruin the fun, but I’ll get to that later. Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? If you do, Ben Dover has a great music suggestion for afterwards, if the date goes well. You can read about it in “Shat: America’s Horniest Musical Masterpiece.” If you do have a Valentine in mind, Musclini impores you to think twice about your intentions with that individual. He suggests you stop at first base and become “volcel” - voluntarily celebate. Read about it on page 7. If you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day, Matt Gagliano’s “Valentine’s Day is a Scam” might be more appealing to you. He explains why Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a stupid money grab. Along similar lines, your lack of Valentine’s love may lead to to get your fix through other means. Maybe you decide to go the porn route, and if you do, you will likely be bombared with ads promoting hot singles in your area, or magic penis pills. Harold Rook discusses this phenomena in his article, appropriately-named “THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK CAN ADD SINCE INCHES!” Maybe instead of the porn route, you crave something more intimate. You can’t find it of course, because you’re a fucking loser, so you settle for an e-girl. Joe Badalamenti would be ashamed of you. He explains why in “No E-Girls.” When it comes to sexual preferences, there is one question that every man (and perhaps many women) has been asked at least once - tits or ass? In “The Great Debate,” Madeline Perez tackles this age-old question and attempts to settle the argument once and for all. This may be the Sex Issue, but it can’t be completely devoid of politics, right? No, of course not, this is Binghamton Review. Don’y worry, I’ve got you covered, while still satying within the theme. On page 12 I discuss the idea of over-the-counter birth control, and make the case for why conservatives should be in favor of it. As I mentioned previously, this issue unfortunately is not all sexy and fun, and that’s thanks to Frances Beal Society and Pipe Dream making some ridiculous accusations. On page 15, our E-Board responds to false claims that our staff threatened students, and on page 15, Bryn Lauer responds to an over-the-top letter from the Frances Beal Society in which the students involved with BU’s TPUSA chapter are called white suprermacists. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy this issue. If you have any comments, please feel free to reach out to me. My email is editor@binghamtonreview.com. Sincerely,
Tommy Gagliano Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
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CPampus resswatch Letter to the Editor: In response to ‘Congressman Tom Reed and BU President Harvey Stenger discuss freespeech on campus’ Members of Frances Beal Society, Pipe Dream, 2/3/2020 “There is simply no other way to put this: Turning Point USA (TPUSA) is a white supremacist harassment engine.” There is another way to put it. You believe that anyone who even slightly disagrees with you is a white supremacist. So far this academic year the Binghamton University chapter of TPUSA has done one thing: table on the spine in promotion of their organization. They have done nothing to indicate that they hold racist views. They’ve never publicly made any comments that were derogatory towards people of color. You’re just lying to yourselves and everyone else by using a false label. “First, sexist, white supremacist or similarly inflammatory and violent rhetoric is openly flaunted. Then, when people inevitably gather to make their justified anger known, the incident is recorded by TPUSA and distributed online to attract attention and donations. Specific protesters — often women, or people of color or both, as in the recent case on campus — are also singled out and recorded for targeted harassment online.” But there was no sexist, white supremacist, or inflammatory rhetoric at the tabling event. Protesters arrived and members of Turning Point began filming, most likely because they were concerned for their safety. “When called out for their bigotry, TPUSA will then attempt to reframe the issue as one of “free speech” and claim that their rights are being infringed upon. This is a purely cynical move, a smoke screen intended to redirect attention away from the content of the organization’s words and deeds. After all, where were these self-styled champions of liberty when police targeted students for posting flyers in Downtown Binghamton?”
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Written by our Staff
We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
Considering all E-board members of TPUSA are currently freshmen and because the incident I presume you’re referring to occured in 2018, they were probably in high-school, out of town and had no knowledge of such events. “...a group of white supremacists have now publicly gathered and no longer feel a need to hide their white supremacy. They are attempting to weaponize social media and their partnership with the police against students, faculty and community members of color.” How does Turning Point have a “partnership” with the police? Because they won’t arrest their members when they haven’t broken any laws? “The founding of BU’s TPUSA chapter is certainly an intensification of white supremacist activity on campus” How? A couple of freshmen deciding to start a conservative organization on campus has nothing to do with white supremacy. This whole article is built on arguments that are completely dishonest. “Girlboss” culture disguises marketing tactics behind false feminism Annick Tabb, Pipe Dream, 1/21/2020
and that they were discouraged from asking for raises.” You are not entitled to receiving a high salary automatically. If you want to truly encapsulate feminism in the workplace, you would want workers, regardless of sex, to illustrate that they are capable and deserve said raise. If the company discourages or does not give raises, these workers are not obligated to keep working.
“This ‘girlboss’ culture and its effects have been marketed as disruptors of the “boys clubs” that often make up businesses, which have historically kept women from achieving success.” How have businesses kept women from achieving success? Do women in these “boys clubs” not get any measurable success like, I don’t know...a salary?
“Thinx employees said their work was made much harder because of the company’s co-founder and former CEO Miki Agrawal ...Additionally, high levels of per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS) were discovered in Thinx underwear, including on the inside layers of the underwear’s crotch.” Anecdotal evidence of “girlboss” companies engaging in unethical practices is anecdotal.
“Thinx, a company that makes underwear to be worn as a substitute or supplement for menstrual products, has marketed itself as a business based in feminism, health, wellness and giving back....However, a company’s practices may not match the philosophy they claim to operate under. Former Thinx employees reported that they were paid $30,000 below the industry standard
“The idea of the ‘girlboss’ argues that feminism and capitalism should coexist. It often benefits a certain kind of woman who already enjoys certain privileges.” Women who have achieved success have done so through their merit, not because of some pre-existing unfair privilege.
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The Great Debate
THE GREAT DEBATE
By Madeline Perez
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n this life, there are some truths too complex to comprehend. A deeper understanding is required, yet humanity is comprised of a bunch of whiny stupid babies failing to grasp the object permanence of reality. When objective proof fails us we are left to put the pieces together ourselves - then forge our own beliefs like iron from steel. Is God real? Can drinking pee be beneficial? Is it possible to find happiness in this nightmare hellscape forced upon us at birth? Who can say! If I knew these things I definitely wouldn’t be writing a “sex-themed” article for a third-tier college publication, wishing my life had meaning and so on and so forth. Like many of you, I spent my formative years crying and shoving crayons up my nose. In many ways, I haven’t changed, but I am just enough of a genius to know the answer to the most divisive and thought-provoking question of all time. Of course, I’m going to wait a little longer before I actually reveal what this article is about because fuck you. I’m in charge. You sniveling little bastards are gonna lap up this expository muck whether you like it or not. It’s all about the buildup, and I refuse to be concise. Anyway, the question. You’ve all thought about it at least once, and many are all too eager to let others know their opinion: Which is better - tits or ass? Before you get your panties in a metaphorical twist, let’s consider the question. What exactly is being asked here? The way I see it there are two possible avenues - and like a modern bisexual, I’m going to have to consider both. Either the question is asking “Which one is more important for a girl to have a prominence of?” or simply “Which one do you prefer, regardless of size?” Now, I’m not going to be talking about which one is more popular or what personality traits are associated with people’s opinions on the matter. The studies for these are all over the place and all make different claims. There are countless attempts of anal-
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yses and meta-analyses trying to pinpoint an equation for human sexuality, considering more variables than there are grains of sand on the beach. Oh please, tell me more about how age and culture subsets affect someone’s ass inclination! We’re talking about primal urges and real human women here, and while I’m sure we all love sex psychology, this is not the time nor place, and I actually could not care less. So, let’s dive into this metaphorical pool, starting with the first take on the argument. Would you choose the girl with the bigger bosom or butt? This question seems to be the more common of the two, but one could argue that it’s also worse in a convenient three-pronged attack. By making size a factor, you are quickly alienating everyone who likes small boobs or a tinier tush. This also frames women without these features as having “nothing to offer,” when obviously we all know this isn’t the case. The most blatant problem with this view is that since it’s not really about true preference, ass becomes an easy answer. Since it’s easily conflated with hip size, people can view the question as a choice between a pear-shaped woman or an unbalanced Wendy Williams type, seconds away from tipping over and oscillating like a Bobo Doll. The second approach relies more on which one you actually like better and less on imagining some strange hypothetical woman who exists on a binary. No smoke or mirrors, just preference. Many argue that, like Play Dough, the boob is squishy and fun to put in your mouth. They can be quite a handful, and not necessarily in a bad way. Fans of circles and modern art find them aesthetically pleasing, and it’s not hard to understand why. Contrarily, some argue that our attraction to boobs is just leftover evolutionary residue from when we were monkeys looking at monkey butts. This argument is stupid and completely irrelevant. In defense of butts, they are in-
tegral to every aspect of life. Nice to squish and easy to kick. Everyone has one whether they like it or not, although, I really don’t see why you wouldn’t. Additionally, they are very important in the spooning process and probably every other silverware-themed activity. Many are quick to brag that their opinion is aligned with high society and “true culture” like their natural attraction is some sort of refined taste. People this concerned with defending their standpoint are probably hiding something. Some of the more foolish readers are probably thinking, “it’s not that deep. You’re not really supposed to think about it that hard.” And why not? What’s so bad about overthinking, if not fear of finding some inevitable truth. Earlier, I claimed to know the answer to “The Great Debate,” but it’s simple, and you’re not going to like it. There is no answer. Both perspectives have their own perfectly valid points and it varies from each individual. I don’t even know how I feel about it. Why choose one over the other? Why are we even comparing them in the first place? This question was meant to divide us. It’s truly a false dilemma. Such a trivial and opinion-driven argument exists only to stir people up like a pot of savory gumbo. We are kept divided because it makes us weak, unable to fight back against a government with merely the interests of its most elite members. Big Pharma plants these ideas in our heads so that we cannot connect with our brothers and sistersso we cannot realize what they are doing to us. Please, for the love of all that’s sacred, put aside these futile matters, wake up from your slumber, and realize - thighs are superior. Always have been.
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THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK CAN ADD SIX INCHES
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THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK CAN ADD SIX INCHES! By Harold Rook
I
t’s Valentine’s Day everyone, and that means that there is love in the air! It’s the time of the year where couples get cute gifts for each other, ceremoniously demonstrating their commitment to one another. Ah, such a beautiful time…for couples. But for the remainder of us, it’s an exasperating, almost obnoxious reminder that we are single, meaning another normal day with extra hearts and roses. For the lucky guy or gal out there who managed to get a reciprocating response from their crush, today is like finding a pot of gold. As for me…I wasn’t so lucky (probably doesn’t help that I write for the Review). So, what to do on the stuffiest holiday around, when everyone you know is displaying affection in the most over-the-top manner possible? Go home, crack open your favorite drink, and pull out your trusty laptop to view the material of your preference. Yet, while I’m on my way doing this, something catches my eye: an ad. Not just one ad, but many, so many in fact that it practically stops me in my tracks. On top of that, some of these ads are ridiculous and hard to ignore; “Find Cougars Near You,” “This One Simply Trick Will Add Four Inches,” and “This Game Made Me Cum 32 Times in One Day” bombard every inch of the screen besides where the intended content is. So, what exactly are these advertisements, and why are certain sites full of them?
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Although the internet porn industry is widely known about today, with names such as Pornhub and RedTube being the fore-players of sexual content, early porn films were initially considered taboo, with many countries, such as the United States and the United Kingdom, imposing heavy restrictions and placing the practice in bondage. However, in what is known as the “Golden Age of Porn,” filmmaker Andy Warhol made the film Blue Movie, a production dedicated exclusively to sex, kickstarting an era of porn production and social acceptance of the practice. This was not to say that modern sex-exclusive films would cum immediately; constitutional anal-ysis in Miller v. California forbade the sale of pornographic films due to “obscenity,” leaving its legal status in state hands. This ruling, however, was hindered by new technology squirting onto the scene, with VHS tapes replacing theaters. Growing public demand and state rulings would gradually make porn distribution more mainstream, erecting a massive empire profiting from PayPer-View and videotape sales. What would disrupt this industry ecosystem was the advent of the internet. Taking cues from sites such as YouTube, websites dedicated to showing free online porn splurged onto the scene, shifting the industry from tapes to Internet videos. Today, the porn industry is dominated by the Internet, with many big-name porn websites we are familiar with owned by MindGeek. Now for the extra sexy bit: finances. If access to Internet porn is free and widely available, how exactly is a company such as MindGeek going to make revenue? Simply put, ads. The amount of website traffic that porn websites receive is lucrative, with Pornhub disclosing in 2018 that it received 33.5 billion visitors in that year alone. With access to a potentially massive market, advertisers would jump at that opportunity. However, due to the nature of
the material in question, many of these ads are often sex related, ranging from dating sites to Viagra-related products. By having viewers create an account for their dating site or purchase their product, these advertisers can profit from their unconventional marketing strategy, consequently making these banner ads the norm. This profitability has not gone unnoticed, as more mainstream companies have sought to direct traffic to their services. Eat24, a daughter-company to GrubHub, is a prime example of this, advertising their delivery services on pornographic websites (woah, now I can get food delivered to me AND have access to free porn? That’s practically every guys’ dream!). This relationship with advertisers has been wildly successful for companies such as MindGeek, making $460 million in 2015. This is also true for other businesses within the porn industry, with its combined value being as much as $40 to $50 billion. Obviously, not all pornographic website ads are safe; access to an unsuspecting viewer base has also been recognized by hackers and scammers. Consequently, the odds of malware infecting one’s computer are significantly higher on porn websites, with security experts estimating that as much as 53% of all visitors to Pornhub encounter some form of computer virus. The result is sucking off visitors to fake websites that seek to exploit an unwitting audience. It should go without saying that viewers should assess their safety and risk of contracting malware onto their computer if they are serious about clicking on these ads. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have my own *ahem* research to get back to.
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VOLCEL
VOLCEL By Musclini
I
, the great Musclini, despite having a perfect immune system, have fallen ill. Because of this, my typical 300 IQ takes have been reduced to about 150, and my masterful creative writing style has been reduced to that of a mere English professor. But alas, I cannot sit here and be silent while Binghamton Review releases an issue promoting mental disease and impurity, so here we go.
“We are addicted to filthy thoughts, pornography, masturbation, and, if given the option, sex.” “You’re an Incel.” Have you ever heard that one? If so, good. Hearing that means you are doing something right. “Incel,” or “Involuntary Celibacy” is a term used to describe someone who is celibate because nobody wants him. In practice, however, the term is used by bitter women to describe someone who isn’t simping for them. For example, I get called an incel all the time, and believe me, I could if I wanted to. The term has very recently been hijacked to describe anyone who doesn’t subscribe to the culture of sex that has been created in this society. What “culture of sex,” you may ask. What I am referring to is exactly what you see in this issue of Binghamton Review. It is the system where immoral, degenerate acts are being framed as completely normal and fun. We, of course, accept this because we are all addicted to it. We are addicted to filthy thoughts, pornography, masturbation, and, if given the option, sex. While you are desperately chasing your next dopamine hit like a heroine addict, does it ever occur to you how diseased you are? How it took thousands of years of familial bloodline, conquering, surviving, creating, just to end up as some sad fuck spending most of his time thinking about stimulating his penis? If only there was a better way…
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“To become volcel means to rise above modernity, to rise above this culture that promotes the mental illness of promiscuity and the breaking up of the family, and to return to the state of being that made our grandparents and great grandparents thrive (keeping it in their pants until it was time to make babies).” This is where the titular term comes in. “Volcel,” or “Voluntary Celibacy” is a term used to describe someone who is celibate because he chooses to be. A volcel is someone who is free, both from the slave-like attachment to sex and sexual thought that most of us have, and from the commands of women around us who we will happily do anything for in hopes of obtaining some coochie afterwards. To become volcel means to rise above modernity, to rise above this culture that promotes the mental illness of promiscuity and the breaking up of the family, and to return to the state of being that made our grandparents and great grandparents thrive (keeping it in their pants until it was time to make babies). At least I hope that applies to your predecessors. If not, you might be fucked. To me, faith in God and respect for my family is enough reason not to go constantly coom everywhere. But for you… “others”... I’ll lay out a dirty capitalist argument for becoming VOLCEL. After about 90 days of not cooming, you begin to stop thinking about your addiction to opening the floodgate. This then gives you time to focus on other aspects of
your life that could have been lacking under the prior, hornier administration. If all of your time m*sturb*ting, thinking about or having s*x, watching ***n, or t*xting g*rls was instead spent GOING TO THE GYM, GETTING YOUR WORK DONE, GETTING EIGHT HOURS OF SLEEP, DRINKING A GOOD AMOUNT OF WATER DAILY, I think you would be very surprised with the results. Gentlemen, it is time to reject our primitive instincts, our disgusting desires that make us unhappy when provided for, and embrace true growth. It’s time we start saving it until marriage, and until then, become VOLCEL. Who am I trying to convince right now? Like with all of my pieces, nobody. I am just spitting straight facts, and if anyone becomes enlightened by it, cool. However, it is required that you have a higher understanding of the world in order to understand my works, so I get it if it’s a little hard to comprehend. But basically, I will keep getting better, and if you want to keep satisfying your neurological addiction with the “durrrrr hehe funny sex joke” pages in this issue, go for it. You will drift more towards chimpanzees while I march towards God’s image. Don’t understand that? Don’t care. You either get it, or you don’t.
“It’s time we start saving it until marriage, and until then, become VOLCEL.” BINGHAMTON REVIEW
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SEX SURVEY RESULTS
Sex Survey Results
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Much like Pipe Dream and Free Press, Binghamton Review does a sex survey every February. Unlike Pipe Dream and Free Press, our survey isn’t open to the public. Ever wonder how the Review staff compares to the rest of the student body? Now you can find out! We sent this survey to our listserv. We received 34 responses. Here are the results.
Not a complete sausage party. Are you surprised?
The percentage of bisexual people is nearly identical to the percentage of women. Coincidence?
Who the fuck put 26+?
I must say, I am actually surprised that the number of virgins stayed consistent between this question and the last. I was sure at least one person was going to screw that up, either intentionally or otherwise.
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SEX SURVEY RESULTS
It’s like a reverse bell (end) curve; only one person fucks once per week.
When it comes to masturbation, it seems our staff is either all or nothing.
20.6% of respondents do not want a consistent sexual partner. A drastic increase from last year’s Sex Issue, in which zero people chose that option.
I would like a word with the 5 people that claim to have had sex in the Binghamton Review office...
We end with the least surprising results of all - no one at Binghamton Review has a small penis.
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NO E-GIRLS
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No E-Girls By Joe Badalamenti
W
hile I usually don’t write about cultural issues, for the sake of the “sex issue” I’ve decided to make an exception. When looking back on the last year since the previous sex issue you could see that there’s much to talk about, from debate about banning porn to recent scandalous Super Bowl performances. However there was one thing that stuck out to me recently, and that’s e-girls. Yeah that’s right, the rest of this article is gonna be exposing (pun intended) the dangers of e-girls. Although the word “e-girl” stands for “electronic girl,” it refers to a type of female (usually someone popular) found on social media sites such as Snapchat, TikTok, Instagram, and, most commonly, the popular live streaming website Twitch. E-girls typically get attention through dancing and interacting with viewers while wearing lewd outfits. While many will refer to some e-girls as “emo” this has nothing to do with the subculture and is probably only used to express their “depression.” Another characteristic of these e-girls is that they will surround themselves with subservient men. These men go by many names (beta, soyboy, simp) but I’ll refer to them as betas for simplicity. These betas interact with these e-girls (online or in person) through a series of submissive behaviors. These behaviors range in severity depending on how subservient they are. One behavior called “whiteknighting” occurs when these betas defend e-girls from troll-
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ing, negative criticism, or any other perceived threat. Additionally, betas will give cash to e-girls via Twitch donations, premium Snapchat subscriptions, and other electronic media. The rewards for donating can be as innocent as subscribing back to the donor, or as obscene as sending lewd albums or hundred-dollar bottles of “gamer girl bath water.” So why is any of this important? After all, no one is getting harmed and the e-girls are making a profit. Although this may seem insignificant, these relationships are toxic and if left alone can become harmful in the long term. Let’s start with the e-girls first. So many of these e-girls probably see what they do as a job or even a career. This is probably because of the amount of money that can be earned from streaming or selling access to their premium Snapchats. Now there is one major problem with this attitude. The first problem is the unreliability of it. Unless you’re someone like PewDiePie, being an online entertainer is a very unreliable source of income. This is mainly due to the uncontrollable nature of online popularity. As mentioned earlier, online entertainers such as PewDiePie are able to stay popular and relevant because of their character as well as putting up content of consistent quality. The problem with e-girls is that, by definition, their main appeal isn’t their character but rather their physical appearance. While this can be profitable, viewers looking for this kind of entertainment will most likely move on to porn as it is more explicit and less expensive. Thus the popularity of e-girls would realistically resemble that of a fad where they experience a short term boost of fame only to eventually fall into irrelevance. This happens because without variety, viewers and fans will eventually seek content of higher quality. The unreliability is even worse when considering the effect of social movements such as “cancel culture.” But what about an e-girl that transitions into some-
thing less shallow such as comedy or some other passion? Well if someone were to do this then they technically wouldn’t be an e-girl and will have a much better shot at retaining popularity. However, until they shed the label of “e-girl,” they will be no match for the alternatives. Now let’s move on to the betas. The entire experience for these betas is similar to watching porn. The main reason why porn is bad is because frequent exposure to pornagraphic materials affects the brain in a way that is similar to a drug addiction. For instance, if you consume an opioid drug such as heroin, the drug acts on neurological receptors in a way that changes bodily function and leads to dependence on that substance. With porn, viewers can experience the pleasure of sexual arousal instantly, eventually leading to addictive behavior. With that being said, watching e-girls comes with the added bonus of paying actual money for either slightly more revealing pictures or goodies such as “gamer girl bath water.” So as you can see these betas are wasting their (or worse, their parent’s) money on someone that they’ll never meet in their lifetime. Now this is the definition of a toxic relationship. While this may not be the case for all, the most likely explanation I can think of is that the internet has warped the minds of these betas. This has had such an impact on their brains that the only way that these betas feel they can have a true relationship with a female is through these e-girls. However their situation is not hopeless. If a beta would take a break from this life and find a hobby then maybe they’ll see things differently. But if that doesn’t work then maybe my co-writer Musclini might have some advice. As it turns out both being an e-girl is risky and supporting them (through watching their content) is extremely unproductive. Now that you’ve read this article, you can get back to doing non-e-girl related things. Have fun with your newly productive life.
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SHAT: AMERICA’S HORNIEST MUSICAL MASTERPIECE
Shat: America’s Horniest Musical Masterpiece By Ben Dover
I
t’s February, and with Valentine’s Day quickly approaching you decided to head to the Binghamton Review Sex Issue for all the tips and tricks to make it memorable for you and that special someone. Good choice, because who better to get advice from than the best student-run newspaper on campus? So you’re with your partner and you’ve successfully given your roommate the boot. Nice job. Things start happening, yada yada yada, and now it’s go time. You can now go have your regular, boring, vanilla sex, or, if you’re in Free Press, whatever weird, really kinky shit you’re into. But I’m here to bring up one of the most overlooked parts of the act: music. Yeah, that’s right, music. You see, when you’re tapping that ass you’re gonna want a little background noise to get you in the grove. Plus if you’re in a suite or a flat it will help block out some of the noise. If you want to be boring, you could listen to whatever your preferred genre is, but I’m here to present you with an alternative, because you want to stand out, right?
I’m about to provide you with an unconventional musician who you’ve probably never heard of: Shat. If there is anyone who has a song for every sexual situation you could ever encounter, I promise you it’s Shat. As an added benefit, they’re on all the
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major streaming services like Spotify, Apple Music, and Amazon Music, just like another musical masterpiece you might be aware of, titled “Pipe Down: Pipe Dream Diss Track.” The backstory behind the music of Shat is even more interesting. Head singer Jeff Wood was just an average guy until he was shot in the head at a Hollywood party in the 1990’s, causing his brain to concentrate only on sex. The bullet, half of which is still in Wood’s head, led to the creation of Shat, a musical group with songs centered on sex and other taboo topics. This isn’t just some joke band with a couple of songs; they have three full albums available to stream produced by Buddyhead records, and also regularly go on tour performing their songs live, with Wood performing in his marque uniform: nude with only dildo’s attached to him. Seriously, I’m not making this shit up. You can even find some of the performances on YouTube. (I suggest going on incognito mode if you don’t want your recommended page to be flooded with some really weird stuff for the immediate future.) Now back to the important stuff: the music. Shat has a decent amount of it with their marque albums, “Cuntree” and “The Cunt Chronicles,” having a whopping 69 (nice) and 65 songs respectively, with most of the songs being about a minute long. If I’m gonna honest some of the songs are not half bad if you can get past the content within them. I have certainly heard worse parody music in my lifetime. Their music ranges from heavy punk rock to grunge, and some of the songs I personally find quite catchy, such as “Show Your Tits.” Many of the songs center around some of the possible frustrations one could have involving sex, with songs like “The Crabsa” and “Gonorrhea Fountain” dealing with STDs, “She Smelled Worse than Skunk” for the times when you catch an unpleasant whiff during the act, and even “Grandpa’s Playing with his
Penis” for those times where you catch Grandpa having a little too much fun with his pecker. The list goes on and on, but in the interest of time and making this article somewhat normal, you’re going to have to seek it out yourself. I promise you at the very least you will be fascinated by the amount of songs and topics the albums cover. You’ll probably find most of the music borderline unlistenable, maybe even have a few laughs if you enjoy really crude humor, but at the very least you’ll appreciate what Jeff Wood turned his permanently horny brain into. I’m sure at this point everyone still reading this is wondering how I know of such an oddball band. I think the term “locker room talk” that President Trump popularized is an appropriate response to that question. The combination of teenage guys and the internet can lead to the popularization of some of the oddest stuff known to man, and I think Shat is the perfect example of that. So if you are looking for something to spice up your sexual experiences, maybe give Shat a go. They certainly have the appropriate music for every sexual situation. So in honor of Shat, and Valentine’s day, go get laid Binghamton!
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CONSERVATIVES SHOULD SUPPORT OVER-THE-COUNTER BIRTH CONTROL
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Conservatives Should Support Over-the-Counter Birth Control By Tommy Gagliano
O
n June 7th, 2019, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Representative for New York’s 14th congressional district, expressed an opinion about birth control in the form of a tweet. “Psst!” she tweeted, following it with a shouting emoji, “Birth control should be overthe-counter, pass it on.” The tweet garnered over 77 thousand retweets, and over 335 thousand likes. While her follow up tweet that “It should be free, too - like in the UK!” may be taking it a bit far, conservatives should be on board with her initial assertion. Although Ocasio-Cortez did not provide any context or reasoning in her tweet, it is not hard for those familiar with her beliefs to deduce why she would support such an idea. AOC is a big supporter of women, and has socialist tendencies. Socialism, at least in theory, is about everyone having access to things that they “need,” and birth control has been a staple of the feminist movement since the 1910s. Easier access to birth control is right up her ideological alley. But why should conservatives support an idea rooted in feminism and socialism?
Well, for libertarian conservatives, the increased personal freedom should be an attractive feature. But more importantly, for all conservatives, easier access to contraception would mean less accidental pregnancies, and therefore less abortions. Abortion is the most evil act that one can legally commit in the United
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States. I am stating that as a fact, not an opinion. There are people that acknowledge this and know it to be true, and there are those that do everything they can to convince themselves it’s false in order to validate their selfish prioritization of convenience over human life. For those in the former category, it should be of utmost importance to minimize the number of abortions by any means necessary. According to a Brookings Institution report from 2012, accidental pregnancy is the reason for more than 90 percent of abortions. 2015 research from the University of California, San Francisco’s Bixby Center found that access to over-the-counter oral birth control would decrease unintended pregnancies by 7 to 25 percent. The conclusion of the combination of these two studies is obvious - access to overthe-counter birth control would decrease the rate or abortions. For me, that is the only reasoning I need. If it will mean less unborn babies being murdered in the name of “health care” or “personal choice,” I support it. Full stop. Ultra-religious Catholic conservatives will disagree with me. They will say that all forms of contraception are wrong. They will argue that using condoms, oral birth control, or other means of preventing pregnancy are just as bad as abortion. My response? Exchange that bible for a biology textbook. A fetus is a person. He or she
contains 23 chromosomes from each parent. He or she has his or her own DNA. He or she is distinct from his or her mother and his or her father. That is not the case with sperm and egg cells. Sperm cells contain only 23 chromosomes from the male, and egg cells contain only 23 chromosomes from the female. They contain DNA from only one individual. Preventing a pregnancy is not murder, the same way that menstruation is not genocide. And don’t give me any of that “sex should only be for procreation because engaging in sexual activity for pleasure is an abuse of God’s gifts” bullcrap. If you want to believe that, fine, you have every right to, but you cannot impose those beliefs on the rest of the population, and you certainly cannot compare “abuse of God’s gifts” to the actual murder of a living human being. It should be quite clear that one is objectively more heinous than the other. Over-the-counter oral birth control would not end abortion. It is not a solution. There will still be unintended pregnancies, and there will still be selfish people that put their personal convenience over the life of their son or daughter. However, if access to over-the-counter birth control reduces the number of abortions in the United States - even if it’s just a reduction from 862,000 per year (Guttmacher Institute, 2017) to, say, 830,000 - it’s a step in the right direction.
Vol. XXXII, Issue VII
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Valentine’s Day is a Scam
VALENTINE’S DAY IS A SCAM
By Matt Gagliano
I
t’s that time of the year again. No, unfortunately I am not referring to Christmas. It’s February, which means Valentine’s Day is just around the corner: A day full of love, flowers, and dinner dates at extremely overpriced restaurants. People all around the world celebrate Valentine’s Day by expressing their love for their significant other (or others, if you’re into that), and honestly, I hate it. No, not because I’m a bitter, lonely incel, because I’M NOT, but because the whole holiday is a complete and utter SCAM! That’s right, the holiday centered around love actually has nothing to do with love at all, except for the love of money.
“The reason that the majority of people will never see how pointless Valentine’s Day is because they’re dumbasses who blindly follow the traditions pushed by the chocolate and flower industries.” Before we get into how Valentine’s Day is just a scheme to make a profit, I would like to start with how the concept of Valentine’s Day in general simply doesn’t make any sense. “But it’s about showing your love” I hear you saying, “that makes perfect sense.” To this, I agree. If you love someone, it would make sense to want to show that love. What doesn’t make sense, however, is the fact that you have to do it on this one specific day. If you truly love someone, shouldn’t everyday be Valentine’s Day? Now, I’m not here to tell you how your relationship should work (if you were looking for reltaionship advice in a Binghamton Review, you should probably rethink all of your life choices), but if you wait until one day out of the year to show your love for your partner, you’re a fucking loser who doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship. If you actually love someone, you should let them know every-
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day, and if they love you back, then hopefully they won’t call the police on you. Uncool, Sarah. To quote The Incredibles, “when everyone’s super, no one will be.” Similarly, if you choose to love your significant other as if everyday was Valentine’s Day, then when actual Valentine’s Day rolls around, it will be just another ordinary day, as it should be. So why is Valentine’s Day still a thing? Well, for starters, not everyone is as big-brained as I am and realizes that the concept of Valentine’s Day is stupid. More importantly, however, Valentine’s Day is another excuse for companies to make people feel bad for not buying their products. Think about it: what happens if you don’t go out and buy your girl flowers, and chocolates, and a card, and a diamond ring, and dinner at a fancy restaurant for Valentine’s Day? That’s right, she leaves your broke ass. Fuck you Rachel, not all of us have rich parents. It has become tradition to buy these things for Valentine’s Day and because of this, you become an asshole if you don’t. The reason that the majority of people will never see how pointless Valentine’s Day is because they’re dumbasses who blindly follow the traditions pushed by the chocolate and flower industries. According to aboutflowers.com (a very credible source, I’m sure), more than 250 million roses are produced specifically for Valentine’s Day. That’s an absurd amount of flowers, especially considering that flowers are nothing but useless decorations that, just like love, look pretty
for a week or two but then inevitably die. According to Google, the average price for a dozen roses is between $10 and $100, meaning there is an increase in approximately $208 million to just over $2 billion in rose sales. All that money, and just for a bunch of severed plant limbs! It’s pretty late, so I don’t feel like doing anymore math, but just imagine how much extra money is earned from the extra sales of candy or jewelry just because “hurr durr it’s Valentine’s Day, so I must buy things. I’m a dumbass who loves wasting money.” Now, I’m not trying to say that buying gifts for your significant other is bad. In truth, it’s just the opposite. I believe that you should buy gifts for your significant other at random times, just because it’s a nice thing to do, unless you do it too often, in which case you’re a simp and should reevaluate your entire lifestyle. Plus, if you do buy gifts for your partner just because, it will mean more, as it’s coming from your heart, and not a desire to follow the greedy, bullshit traditions pushed by companies trying to sell more glorified weeds. So in conclusion… fuck Valentine’s Day.
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RESPONSE TO PIPE DREAM & FRANCES BEAL SOCIETY’S ABSURD ACCUSATIONS
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Response to Pipe Dream & Frances Beal Society’s Absurd Accusations By Binghamton Review E-Board
On February 3rd, 2020, Binghamton University’s Frances Beal Society posted audio clips on Instagram and Twitter, claiming that the clips contained dialogue from TPUSA members and Binghamton Review writers. On February 6th, 2020, Pipe Dream released two articles about the leaked clips - one posing as an “objective” news piece, and the other an editorial from Pipe Dream’s Editorial Board. The audio clips and claims from Frances Beal Society are laughably insignificant, but Pipe Dream’s coverage and subsequent editorial legitimize and spin them in a way that is defamatory, dangerous, and incredibly dishonest. Binghamton Review’s name is brought up in Frances Beal Society’s social media posts, and throughout both Pipe Dream articles. Frances Beal Society only mentions it once, but Pipe Dream continually discusses Binghamton Review, and even alludes to the source of the audio recordings potentially being a Review meeting. Let us make this abundantly clear - Binghamton Review has absolutely no connection to the leaked audio. The audio was not recorded at a Review meeting or event. November 21st, when the audio was allegedly recorded, was a Thursday. Last semester, Binghamton Review held meetings on Mondays and Tuesdays, and while we did work on production on some Thursdays, we did not on the 21st, as that was after our last issue of the semester had been released. Additionally, Binghamton Review had no connection to the tabling or the Art Laffer event, and therefore would have no reason to plan for a response to the outcome of those events at our meetings. There is some membership crossover between Binghamton Review and political clubs such as College Republicans and TPUSA. Our writers and staff are free to attend any other clubs that they want, and are free to do whatever they please in their free time. Binghamton Review is not responsible for their actions as members of those clubs, or as individuals. Binghamton Review is only responsible for the actions of Binghamton Review as an organization. Blaming Binghamton Review for the actions of College Republicans is the equivalent of blaming Free Press for the actions of College Progressives. Pipe Dream claims that the people speaking in the audio clips are “in leadership positions” at “the Binghamton Review” (which is not our name, “the” Pipe Dream). However, the majority of Binghamton Review’s staff, including club President and Editor-in-Chief Tommy Gagliano, were not present at the “meeting” in which the audio was recorded. Pipe Dream’s description of the content of the audio clips is also dishonest and misleading. An individual can be heard saying “scorched Earth, kill them, get them,” in an obviously sarcastic and joking tone. It is not hard to deduce from the clips that he is referencing the aggressive political climate on campus, and the attitude that promotes underhanded tactics to “defeat” the “enemy” - exactly like Frances Beal Society did by leak-
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ing this audio. One would never know this simply from reading Pipe Dream’s coverage, though. While translating audio recording to text, the tone and context are lost, and Pipe Dream does not do a single thing to remedy it. In fact, they take advantage of this loss of context to promote a dangerous narrative. They suggest that the individual genuinely wants students dead. I can only assume that this is an intentional misinterpretation, because not even Pipe Dream writers are dumb enough to miss that. In their editorial piece Pipe Dream takes it a step further, claiming that “it does not matter whether these comments were said in jest or not.” It is shocking to see so-called “journalists” state that context does not matter. Another section of the audio recording that is emphasized by both Pipe Dream and Frances Beal Society is a voice, allegedly belonging to Lacey Kestecher, saying “Honestly, if they jump me, big money” after discussing a desire to wear a MAGA hat around campus. This is portrayed by both organizations as an expressed desire to provoke students, and make money for TPUSA in the process. They both miss the point completely. The foundation of the statement is the very real fear that a student wearing a MAGA hat would be assaulted while walking around campus for daring to have differing opinions. “Big money” is a joke making light of this possibility, as if to say “if I get assaulted, at least I can sue my attacker after.” Frances Beal Society claims to have received threats and hate, but declined to share any of them. We can definitively say that, if members of their organization have received threats or hate, they did not come from members of Binghamton Review. If anyone has been harrassed by Review staff, please let us know and we will do something about it. We can be reached at editor@binghamtonreview.com. Frances Beal Society also cut off the audio recording short, but claimed that the removed portion consists of people “targeting specific individuals.” They refused to share it for reasons of “confidentiality,” which is a bad excuse when they could have simply cut out the sound when names were mentioned. We have no choice but to believe that this is a lie. To use Pipe Dream’s own rhetoric: The E-Board of Binghamton Review condemns Frances Beal Society and Pipe Dream for their egregious remarks. Frances Beal Society has clearly demonstrated from its recent history that it should never receive a charter. Pipe Dream’s complicity and participation in this heinous behavior furthermore indicates that the University needs to investigate whether they are intentionally defaming students and student organizations, and if so, reconsider the privileges they have as an organization. The University has a responsibility to address these lies with action. The campus should be no place for hate - but with Pipe Dream’s attitude towards conservative student groups, right now, it is.
Vol. XXXII, Issue VII
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IN RESPONSE TO FRANCES BEAL SOCIETY’S RESPONSE
In Response to Frances Beal Society’s Response to Tom Reed & Harvey Stenger By Bryn Lauer
D
ear Frances Beal Society,
I made a great sacrifice in writing this. Not only because it means forfeiting my sexy article for Binghamton Review’s Valentine’s Day issue, but because it means I have to stoop to your level and engage in a discussion I shouldn’t have to have. I must set the record straight for the 10th time, knowing full-well the facts will get glossed over in place of emotional self-victimization. I write to tell you that your hyper-focus on race as the catalyst for the recent protests is a guise. You want so badly to be the victim. Your branding of TPUSA as a “white supremacist harassment engine” is, at best, a cop-out, and at worst, it’s libel. I am here to call you out because your rhetoric is deceiving and harmful towards everyone on campus.
“You are judged by if you are a shitty human or not; anything more than that is inherently racist.” For the record, I am not a part of TPUSA, but I do not have to be to see that your letter was greedy. I am here to tell you, Frances Beal Society, that it is a bold and serious stance to call someone a white supremacist. To label an entire organization full of people with diverse thoughts, cultures, and backgrounds a POC-hating conglomerate is not something to be taken lightly. If the goal of TPUSA, which has publicly denounced racism, was to discriminate against POC, it’s doing a terrible job. Everyone is welcome to debate and join, and everyone is free to enjoy the policies that TPUSA advocates for: limited government and personal freedom. I dare you to name one stance that Binghamton University’s TPUSA chapter has taken that harms people of color. See, while you saw the tabling protests as a majority of POC rallying
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against a small group of white kids, we saw two groups of people with different ideologies. I would almost take one out of your book and mention that the TPUSA Binghamton president is a Jewish woman, or perhaps make a list of all the POC who align with TPUSA, but race is of little concern to us. Why? Because conservatives do not care what your race is. Your race says nothing about your character. You are judged by if you are a shitty human or not; anything more than that is inherently racist. Moreover, to completely twist the narrative to suggest that the instigators, or “peaceful” protestors who stole TPUSA’s property, harassed their club president, made repeated threats, and claimed boldly that they were not doing enough if conservatives felt safe on campus, is an example of self-victimization. You are not the victim. If it were not for you, none of this would have happened and I could be gleefully writing my article on some NSFW topic. I do not know if you were at the Laffer event, but I was. As the leftist mob began jumping into action, the police directed Laffer, other conservatives, and myself to escape through the tunnels. But racism, right? What you were protesting had nothing to do with race, but you twisted the argument towards what was easy to win. In reality, a poster of a gun on a table triggered you to the point of hysteria, which led you to believe Laffer, an economist who has worked for world leaders on both sides of the political spectrum, was a monster. Claiming anything that transpired as racist is an insult to those who have experienced real racism. Remember, no one pushed you to act, but you willingly chose to infringe on the rights of TPUSA members. Dare I say, you sought them out and had the nerve to think everything was on display for your sake. Watching the world revolve around you, you
shrouded your victimhood complex and became the hero of the oppressed by screaming to the point where the police had to escort event organizers to safety. The videos that were taken contained minimal editing and were completely unbiased in their depiction of the events. You hate them because they are the stone-cold truth on display, showcasing your bully tactics and fear-mongering. Unfortunately, disrespectful actions have consequences, and if you hate that the media did not react warmly to your cause, you might want to consider that it is because what you did was a disgusting display of hate. It should be noted that Progressives and Frances Beal Society, among other leftist groups, were invited to a debate in February with right-leaning students to discuss events that had transpired. Despite the threats and harassment, right-leaning students were on board, while left-leaning students declined. They were, and still are, afraid to engage in debate because they know that their smokescreen would come crashing down. When facing the music, they do not know how to debate without obsessively spewing the term “white-supremacist” like it’s a sacred artifact. There is only so much we can write about regarding the events which transpired on the Spine and beyond. We can list the facts over and over again but to no avail. We can try to help you out of your self-righteousness crusade. We can stand idly by while you bully us under the guise of oppression. At the end of the day, we are free. We think for ourselves and do not resort to personal attacks as a means of debate. We are interested in liberty for everyone. While you continue to abuse the privilege that free speech gives us, we will continue to uphold freedom for our sake and yours. You are always welcome to join us.
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