Advice Column by Madeline and Dillon

Advice Column

By Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole

Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

“How do I become famous?”

Outside of being born to generational wealth, there are not many options to choose from in order to get famous. Seeing as we all go to Binghamton, the options to get famous are even more narrow. So, let’s talk about an option not everyone is willing to commit to, becoming infamous. And there’s one quick way down that path. Anti-semitism. Being openly anti-semitic should garner you as much negative attention as one could possibly desire.

“I like your bench picture.”

Thanks :)

“What do people do on parade day? (I got shamrock cat ears so I need to put them to good use)”

Personally, I have no idea what parade day is. I assume it’s when you get big, you know, like Mario does when he eats a mushroom. After getting big, you then get to run around with the other big people, “parading around,” crushing those smaller than you underfoot so you can get enough coins for an extra life. Hopefully, everyone will be drunk. It’s more dangerous that way.

“I’m going to be reading my writing at this event next week. Any tips on how I can do a good job?”

Well, since you are asking the Review, you obviously think we must be good at writing and reading. For this, you are sadly mistaken. First, even though we “edit” our articles, we don’t know how to spell (I swear Business is not the proper spelling -Dillon, the Business Manager). Secondly, when we read these articles out loud, our words are so jumbled together that even earbuds are easier to untie. So, if you should take any sort of advice from us on public speaking, just do the opposite of whatever we think is proper and you will do fine. My favorite way to deal with writer’s block is to give myself a deadline. Sort of like how this production night, fueled by rage and dr.pepper, I have to write, or else I lose my soul in that pact I made with the devil. By forcing yourself to write you will eventually get something good, no matter how long it takes - no matter what you have to sacrifice. Also, I do have a tip for you. It’s my peni-

“What do I do if I see absolutely cursed imagery on the front cover of a magazine? I don’t know what to do at this point, my eyes are still burning, please send help.”

In every chemistry science lab, there exists a mechanism. Often brightly colored, the chemical burn shower normally comes equipped with additional eye squirters. No. Not the cool type of squirting. The eye wash shower station, once activated by the lever, will remain on for 15 minutes. According to this website I found, “Using your fingers to keep your eyelids open, lower your eyes into the stream of water issuing from the nozzles. Roll your eyes gently up and down and from side to side, ensuring that the water reaches as much of the eyeballs as possible.” This can help you with your eye-burning problem. As far as the magazine goes, just do what I do with my face, and try to avoid looking at it completely.

“What should I do if I was banned from the counseling center?”

Eat a snickers. You’re not mentally healthy when you’re hungry. But for realsies, just like the end of any relationship, it’s not you, it’s them. Make sure to ignore their toxic friends who keep telling you to see them, and just let yourself be free. Also, have a danimal’s yogurt drink.

“Recently, I tried to trick someone with a “nunya” joke, but they never responded. How do I force them to fall for it and epicly own them?”

First, owning people is illegal and has been since we got rid of slavery. Secondly, you should resend the joke every hour but in a different language. That way, they will eventually ask “what’s nunya”, even if they aren’t aware that they did. Then, you can activate your trap card and spring the “nunya business” on them, killing them instantly.

Need life advice? Email Manager@bingahmtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.

How to Make The Most of Your Spring Break

By Our Staff

With Spring Break right around the corner, you may find yourself scrambling to make plans last minute. If you’re looking for things to do, but have no idea where to start, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here’s a list of 75 things to keep you occupied over Spring Break:

1. Cry 2. Spy on your neighbors 3. Do a handstand 4. Go somewhere warm 5. Make planes not plans 6. Play Elden Ring 7. Bash head into a brick wall 8. Party? 9. Realize your friends have different weeks off for spring break 10. Cry, again 11. Pet a dog 12. Pet a cat 13. Pet yourself ;) 14. Achieve some post nut clarity 15. Read a copy of Binghamton Review 16. Cry for the third time 17. Drugs (you can choose) 18. Drugs (now you can’t choose) 19. Get blackout drunk 20. Watch an Islanders game 21. Cry harder 22. Watch a NASCAR race 23. Enjoy your nap 24. Question your life choices 25. Send those questions to manager@binghamtonreview.

26. Donate to a Ukrainian charity 27. Post about how you donated to a Ukrainian charity on social media 28. Wear green 29. Pretend to be Irish for a day 30. Get beat up by an actual Irishman 31. Get beat up by an Irishwoman 32. Continue crying (if the injuries let you) 33. Take a shit 34. Return the shit 35. Laugh in your younger sibling’s face when they ask for homework help 36. Assault your younger sibling 37. Go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200 38. Pretend its 4/20 when in reality its 3/20 39. Polish your teeth collection 40. Hide the bodies 41. Ignore the police 42. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

43. Stop crying 44. Just kidding 45. Cry the hardest you’ve ever cried 46. Get some help 47. Realize bitches are better 48. Get bitches 49. Realize you can’t get bitches 50. Cry again 51. Remember that you probably have homework to do 52. Go back to ignoring it 53. Go for a walk 54. Go for a run 55. Go for a sprint 56. Gopher 57. See your family 58. Just kidding, lock yourself in your room 59. Play jenga 60. With a real building 61. Call it 9/12 62. Love yourself 63. Cope 64. Seethe 65. Gaslight 66. Gatekeep 67. Girlboss 68. Wait for 69 69. nice 70. Write an article for upcoming Satire Issue of Binghamton Review 71. Play a game of Monopoly 72. Win Monopoly 73. Lose all your friends because of Monopoly 74. Realize Spring break is almost over 75. Cry