BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Advice Column
ADVICE COLUMN
By Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
I
offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“How do I become famous?” Outside of being born to generational wealth, there are not many options to choose from in order to get famous. Seeing as we all go to Binghamton, the options to get famous are even more narrow. So, let’s talk about an option not everyone is willing to commit to, becoming infamous. And there’s one quick way down that path. Anti-semitism. Being openly anti-semitic should garner you as much negative attention as one could possibly desire. “I like your bench picture.”
Thanks :) “What do people do on parade day? (I got shamrock cat ears so I need to put them to good use)” Personally, I have no idea what parade day is. I assume it’s when you get big, you know, like Mario does when he eats a mushroom. After getting big, you then get to run around with the other big people, “parading around,” crushing those smaller than you underfoot so you can get enough coins for an extra life. Hopefully, everyone will be drunk. It’s more dangerous that way. “I’m going to be reading my writing at this event next week. Any tips on how I can do a good job?” Well, since you are asking the Review, you obviously think we must be good at writing and reading. For this, you are sadly mistaken. First, even though we “edit” our articles, we don’t know how to spell (I swear Business is not the proper spelling -Dillon, the Business Manager). Secondly, when we read these articles out loud, our words are so jumbled together that even earbuds are easier to untie. So, if you should take any sort of advice from us on public speaking, just do the opposite of whatever we think is proper and you will do fine. “What’s a good way to deal with writer’s block? Any tips?”
editor@binghamtonreview.com
My favorite way to deal with writer’s block is to give myself a deadline. Sort of like how this production night, fueled by rage and dr.pepper, I have to write, or else I lose my soul in that pact I made with the devil. By forcing yourself to write you will eventually get something good, no matter how long it takes - no matter what you have to sacrifice. Also, I do have a tip for you. It’s my peni“What do I do if I see absolutely cursed imagery on the front cover of a magazine? I don’t know what to do at this point, my eyes are still burning, please send help.” In every chemistry science lab, there exists a mechanism. Often brightly colored, the chemical burn shower normally comes equipped with additional eye squirters. No. Not the cool type of squirting. The eye wash shower station, once activated by the lever, will remain on for 15 minutes. According to this website I found, “Using your fingers to keep your eyelids open, lower your eyes into the stream of water issuing from the nozzles. Roll your eyes gently up and down and from side to side, ensuring that the water reaches as much of the eyeballs as possible.” This can help you with your eye-burning problem. As far as the magazine goes, just do what I do with my face, and try to avoid looking at it completely. “What should I do if I was banned from the counseling center?” Eat a snickers. You’re not mentally healthy when you’re hungry. But for realsies, just like the end of any relationship, it’s not you, it’s them. Make sure to ignore their toxic friends who keep telling you to see them, and just let yourself be free. Also, have a danimal’s yogurt drink. “Recently, I tried to trick someone with a “nunya” joke, but they never responded. How do I force them to fall for it and epicly own them?” First, owning people is illegal and has been since we got rid of slavery. Secondly, you should resend the joke every hour but in a different language. That way, they will eventually ask “what’s nunya”, even if they aren’t aware that they did. Then, you can activate your trap card and spring the “nunya business” on them, killing them instantly.
Need life advice? Email Manager@bingahmtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.
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