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From the Editor
Dear Readers,
Bing
Review withdrawals are real. We only published once in September! That’s not nearly enough. As October rolls around, with its crinkly autumn leaves and cheap decorations, I can promise you not one, but two magazine distributions this month. We’ll have so many issues this month, you’d think we’re Bob Menendez!
October is always a fun month at Binghamton. Halloween basically started after Labor Day, but things are really picking up now. Leaves are falling. Pumpkin-themed libations pour freely. People are putting on their fishnet stockings and bunny ears right before class and giving sigma-stares to the professor. (Just me?)
It’s not spooky yet, though. (That’s for the Halloween issue.) The most spooky thing in this issue is that I’ve shut my trap for once and let other people write the articles. To my eternal delight, several new writers have continued to contribute. (Astute readers may remember that I wrote only one article in my Freshman fall semester.) We have a great combination of old and new, conservative and lib, political and personal, and so much more. Is this the great “diversity” that the MRC has been yapping about? If that’s the case, then call me DEI’s strongest soldier.
If politics aren’t your thing, but you’re still looking for a serious deep-dive, look no further than Darina Keshtova’s article “BU Needs More Instruction on Blockchain” on pages 8 and 9. If politics are your thing, then there’s few things better than a Logan Blakeslee article on page 5, defending constitutional originalism from the “haters and losers,” to turn a former president’s phrase.
Have you ever tried to learn a language, only to feel like you’re banging your head on a titanium wall? Has “Duolingo” done diddly-squat besides draining your energy and discipline? Would you rather lick the floor of the Union than relearn what a “subjunctive” is for the ten-thousandth time? If so, seek help. In the meantime, Emily Portalatin’s “Duolingo, Burnout, and Extrinsic Motivation” is the article for you, found exclusively on pages 6 and 7.
On the more physical side, we have a review of “The Worst Game Ever Created” on pages 14 and 15. Angelo DiTocco, our newest writer, excoriates what he believes to be the worst sport known to man. What is it? Read it to find out. (Hint: pickleball players might want to skip this one.)
Finally, no Binghamton Review issue is complete without some pontifications on meme culture. Madeline Perez, a mainstay of Bing Review, considers the “cope and seethe” present in today’s so-called “sigma males” on page 11. Toby Olson likewise covers the Tik Tok-question du jour “How often do you think about the Roman Empire” on pages 12 and 13. Their reflections are as illuminating as they are hilarious.
That’s all I have for this issue. By the way, does anyone know how to discreetly get rid of over $100,000 of gold bars?
Sincerely,
Arthur O’Sullivan
Our Mission
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found on campus. We stand against dogma in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the tenents of free expression and believe all sudents should have a voice on campus to convey their thoughts. Finally, we understand that mutual respect is a necessary component of any prosperous society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole.
Advice Column
I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
What’s your opinion on the new Sharpur Edge thing?
(Insert edging joke)
How not to stink as an engineering student and get laid?
Shower and the rest will take care of itself.
How to not suck at bowling?
First Step, DO NOT PRACTICE. Practicing your bowling prowess will just make you tired and sore, thus leading to your bowling getting worse. Second, don’t hold your emotions in. Wear it all on your sleeve. If you miss a spare throw a tantrum and use that shiny 10-pound ball as a weapon and smash your opponent’s head in. Imagine the ball is a coconut and the boulder you’re using to open the coconut is your opponent. Last but not least, quit while you’re ahead. Bowling is lame.
Where is the smoking section in the union?
Anywhere you want it to be. This is America. No sign will tell me where I can and can’t smoke. It’s just like when you see a stop sign on the road. AT MOST it’s just a recommendation. I’ll light up a “Fag” (BTW this is BRITISH SLANG FOR CIGARETTE. I am NOT homophobic. I had INTERCOURSE! WITH A MAN! in 1996. So NO, “Louise,” I am NOT homophobic.) anytime, anywhere. I’ll be sucking on that thing until the police physically remove me from the premises.
How do I pretend not to be sick in class?
By pretending not to be sick at home.
What article in the history of Binghamton Review best approaches the Platonic Form of a Binghamton Review article?
Years ago, there was an article that was written for us, but will, for many reasons, never see the light of day. Only the Binghamton Review’s E-board knows what’s written in it, and its words have a dramatic impact on everyone exposed to it. Still, I will reveal its title, but to protect all parties involved, I must encrypt it in a Caesar’s cipher. So what is the title? You sure want to know? The article is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little article... if somebody told you the author was just your average ordinary girl, not a care in the world... somebody lied. The title: “Alc Hsr’x Epp Pmziw Qexxiv?”
Written by our Staff
How do I park at 11am?
Get a car jack and 4 dollies, jack “off” one side of the car, add the dollies on one side with two tires, and then move to the other side and jack “off” the other side once the whole car is on the dollies you are free to move a randos car and take their space.
How do I not go crazy from the coursework?
How do I hide that I’m extremely attracted to the professor without being annoying?
Take pictures in class of the professor while pretending to be an academic weapon and have a 5-hour gooning session after each class with the pictures.
Why doesn’t EDUROAM work? Like, at all? Seriously, I’ve been trying to use the university WiFi to mine my favorite cryptocurrency, GoonCoin lite, eighteen hours a day. But Harvey Stenger or Elon Musk or Klaus Schwab or Voldemort or SOMEBODY keeps cutting off my WiFi just as I’m about to break the blockchain and hack into the mainframe. I could be making a fortune right now. I guess I have to go into my “safety plan,” pimping virtual hos in the Metaverse, just like my Dad. I’m an anarchist btw.
Listen up, baby (derogatory). The reason it’s called eduROAM is that it WANTS you to get OFF THE INTERNET and EXPLORE! Binghamton University has a beautiful nature preserve, thousands of clubs, and no shortage of eligible women and bachelors just BEGGING for you to explain crypto to them. So stop writing these stupid-ass sentences and get out there, nerd.
How to gain friends who like politics?
Eat a silicone fetus at a pro-life event and whoever cheers for you is going to be your friend for life or until you OD. While fake Mr.Beast dances on your grave.
Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.
In Defense of Originalism
By Logan Blakeslee
It is no accident that in the separation of federal powers, as described by the Constitution, there is actually very little authority bestowed to the U.S. Supreme Court. Article III and its provisions offer an outline for how our nation’s judicial branch should function, and astute readers will quickly notice that the Constitution does not permit the Supreme Court to enact or enforce the law, but primarily to settle “controversies”—or in other words, legal disputes. The court’s capacity to interpret the law (sometimes very loosely) is a byproduct of the famous 1803 case Marbury v. Madison and has been a longstanding feature of the judiciary ever since.
It politicizes the judiciary and places an undue burden on judges that the Constitution never intended, which in turn affects the credibility of the entire legal system.
Like any true Jeffersonian patriot, I am not entirely fond of the expansion of judicial review and its tendency to formulate “rights” out of thin air. For example, the Constitution is utterly devoid of any mention of abortion, same-sex marriage, or affirmative action, yet adherents to the “living document” theory claim that these policies are protected under the Bill of Rights. This philosophy, which serves to extrapolate liberal and progressive objectives from the plain text of the Constitution, is risky. The threat it poses is not rooted in the objectives themselves, but rather how it destroys the balance of power between the branches of the U.S. government.
Herein lies the problem: the justices of the Supreme Court are unelected and they serve for life. They are not accountable to the popular will whatsoever. If these attributes were applied to the president or legislators, the country would be a de facto autocracy. The suggestion that Supreme Court judges should take a more active role in lawmaking greatly harms the democratic principles of this nation. It robs Congress and state legislatures of their responsibility to create laws that suit the needs of their people. Additionally, it’s hypocritical to laud the court when it expands rights prioritized by liberals, but to lambast it for protecting those already enshrined in the Constitution, such as the First, Second, and Tenth Amendments.
Speaking of hypocrisy, those who believe that unelected judges should “legislate from the bench” are generally the same types who would abolish the Electoral College, which they deem to be “undemocratic” or “unfair.” At least voters can choose their electors; only the president can choose the members of the Supreme Court!
Beyond that, the notion that laws are up to individual interpretation ruins the objectivity of the legal system. How can anyone agree on what the law says if it’s always evolving (coincidentally in a direction that mostly favors the Democratic Party)? Laws in reality are the solid bedrock of civil society, something that everyone should understand equally in order to establish order. The historical precedent for ignoring textual objectivity can be readily found in the Protestant Reformation, otherwise known as the moment when Christendom began to unravel.
Martin Luther, that German scoundrel, introduced the
idea that the Bible should be open to individual interpretation. This culminated in his removal of scriptural passages and books, and later the Protestant movement introduced such wacky ideas as predestination, Sola Fide, Anglicanism, prosperity gospel, and other nonsensical things. There are hundreds of Protestant denominations and countless heretical spin-offs (which may or may not be located in Utah). My point is that subverting an institution’s authority leads to social fracturing and division. Secularism in the West can be attributed more to Christian infighting than so-called rationalism or tolerance. At one point in American history, the states which compose the American South came to the conclusion that the Constitution allowed them to secede over the issue of slavery. Fortunately—because the truth is unchanging—it did not. There is no legal mechanism for states to ever leave the Union. “Living document” theorists, had they been alive in the mid-19th century, would likely argue that the zeitgeist of the era justified secession, or that the opinions of the Founding Fathers no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things.
Moving back to the justice system, the philosophy which seeks to interpret the Constitution as the Founding Fathers would have is commonly known as Originalism. Its champion was the Honorable Antonin Scalia, a Reagan appointee to the U.S. Supreme Court who passed away in 2016. Scalia was, without a doubt, the most consistent conservative legal scholar in American history. He thoroughly deconstructed liberal attempts at gun control with facts and logic (see the 2005 case “District of Columbia v. Heller”), and eloquently explained why the question of same-sex marriage should have been left to the respective states in his dissent from the landmark 2015 case Obergefell v. Hodges.
The key argument here is that one can be 100% pro-choice or supportive of LGBT rights and still assert Congress’ rightful authority to create laws on these subjects, as well as countless others. Suggesting that judicial activism is necessary is therefore tantamount to saying that the democratic process has failed on all levels. It politicizes the judiciary and places an undue burden on judges that the Constitution never intended, which in turn affects the credibility of the entire legal system.
Our nation’s governing document is not sacred scripture. Its provisions were not handed down by Providence and stored in a golden ark to be paraded around Washington D.C. The simple truth is that our Constitution was written by flawed men who nevertheless possessed incredible wisdom and foresight. They included the option to pass amendments at times when lawmaking-as-usual would not suffice. Amendments are not subject to the whims of nine unelected justices and cannot be overturned except through another amendment.
I suggest that instead of complaining about the latest Supreme Court rulings, we should all go out and vote like proud American citizens.
Duolingo, Burnout, and Extrinsic Motivation
Has anyone else noticed the inability for anyone to be consistent these days? People are always CHANGING THEIR MINDS and TRYING NEW THINGS. Geez, it’s not like humans are dynamic and ever-changing. Pick your thing, stick to it, and don’t even THINK about getting tired of it, even if it hurts! Back in MY day, it was cool and impressive to do the same thing for years, even if you no longer gained much from it. Nowadays, it’s all “burnout” this, “I used to be smart, what happened” that… ha… Call me VOPLLS 1080P because I am projecting.
You see, I am the least consistent and decisive of them all; I am one of those annoying “I have no preference, so you should choose!” people, and the only thing consistent about my major is that I don’t have one. I understand the difficulty of committing to something, especially when your heart’s not in it. However, there is one thing, per-
Ah… poor naive Emily… fourand-a-half years later and I’m not even CLOSE. I knew Duolingo was not much of a tool
for fluency on its own, but I thought I would have kept going strong and been further along than I am now.
haps the most consistent thing in my life, something that I simply cannot let go of even though it is sometimes more of a chore than a tool, and I have been oh, so tired: my Duolingo streak. During Freshman year of high school, I took an Italian class. Despite my dad’s annoyance that I wasn’t taking Spanish, and MY annoyance that he told my mom not to teach it to me when I was a baby, AKA the best time to become multilingual (...NOW you want me to learn it?), I did enjoy Italian; it was interesting and I understood it. One fateful day, I decided to give Duolingo a shot. I was like, Sure,
why not? I’d love to learn more Italian, and pairing it with my Italian classes would make it a good tool. Maybe years down the line I’ll be fluent! Ah… poor naive Emily… four-and-a-half years later and I’m not even CLOSE. I knew Duolingo was not much of a tool for fluency on its own, but I thought I would have kept going strong and been further along than I am now.
Over the years I engaged in the Duolingo grindset, even surviving those stupid memes about the owl threatening you to do your lesson. At the time of writing this, I have a 1,657 day streak and shall see 1,700 days in November. I get surprised when people freak out at my streak since I am used to having it, but deep down I know it is sort of crazy. This next milestone has honestly gotten me rethinking some of my life choices. Duolingo is the most consistent thing in my life, which is impressive but also a little sad. But hey, the pursuit of knowledge is nothing to frown at, right?
At first, Duolingo greatly expanded my Italian knowledge. The experience of using it was productive, and I felt wrinkly-brained when the resident “Staten Island Italian” kid in my class asked what the word for “turtle” was and I knew it was “tartaruga” even though we hadn’t learned it in class. Over time, however, I started to feel a lull in both my Duolingo activity and my overall effort in learning Italian. I suppose I started to feel it during my junior year of high school, which was the year that classes were online and I did not have the motivation to study anything. I figured, if I am doing the bare minimum in Italian class just for the grade, why not do the same for my Duolingo streak? …My brother in Christ, you could’ve just STOPPED. Senior year was then in-person, but I cared so little for Italian work in Junior year that I did not feel prepared for more. At that point, the only language tool I was using was Duolingo, which I KNEW from the beginning was not
By Emily Portalatin
the way to truly learn a language, but I didn’t CARE. My streak was already sizable and I took care of it despite being exhausted. I went from being excited to learn and engaging heavily in it to speeding through the easiest lessons I could just to get my streak. Was I too far gone? I know I am largely to blame, but should one not consider the aforementioned external factors that made me lose my passion for learning, as well as the Duolingo app’s general crappiness?
Duolingo is not perfect, which may have also impacted my effort back then. The app has flaws that would lead users to find it ineffective or lose interest. The practice structure can leave something to be desired. While there is a mix of listening, speaking, fill-inthe-blank, and word box questions, the answers start to get predictable, especially when you are translating into English. With word box questions, you typically form a sentence’s translation based on provided words. If a question proposes the sentence “Ero davvero imbarazzata” and the word choices are
“I”, “really”, “embarrassed”, and “was”, it is clear what the answer will be. I understand that it is my responsibility to mentally register everything so I can understand the grammar and vocabulary, basically teaching myself, but at least make sure there are more options than just the correct words! It is also easy to get the answer if you click on a word in the question, as Duolingo will literally TELL YOU what it means in English. If you want to take the easy way out even FURTHER by not doing speaking or listening questions, you can click what is essentially a “skip” button and miss out on what little conversational and pronunciation review you can do on this app. None of this is hard to discover, and can foster laziness.
Duolingo does not make it easy for you to get questions wrong, either, and turns learning from mistakes into more of an obstacle than it should be.
You get five hearts when you begin a lesson, and if it is a particularly hard lesson you will run out. From there, it costs 450 gems for a refill if you don’t want to lose your progress and repeat the lesson all over again later. When I first discovered refills, I naturally took advantage since I had accumulated a lot of gems and they are easy to earn if you practice, but I still ended up running out faster than I thought I would. I made them back in the weeks and months afterward, but come on, this is quite the vicious cycle. In fact, I ran out of hearts while outlining this article and currently do not have enough gems for a refill. Great,
practice, but then this hidden feature ensures that running out of hearts DOESN’T EVEN MATTER because they’ll let you practice anyway??? I guess it helps people such as I, who sometimes study late and need to get their streak, and it could MAYBE fight discouragement overall… but it still doesn’t make much sense and goes to show how Duolingo’s overall system can be nonsensical. There is also the paid Duolingo version, but that is a whole other can of worms and I may seethe with rage if I try to delve into it.
It is also hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am having these issues with something I have spent over four years on; it feels like I have invested too much of my life into it to back away.
just great… Who do they think I am, Elon Musk’s dad? Don’t get me started on how frustrating it used to be doing a lesson at 11:55 PM, only to realize I had run out of hearts, entering a panic at the possibility of losing my streak over such a silly roadblock. One day, however, I found on closer inspection that you can also regain hearts by… practicing? It is easy to miss, but there is a “Practice to Earn Hearts” button in the hearts menu (which I never felt the need to click on beforehand since I can already CLEARLY SEE how many hearts I have). The practice they give you also counts toward your streak. So… WHAT is the point of hearts then?! Running out of hearts is supposed to stop you from being able to
I seemingly hate Duolingo. Now what? Should I not quit and take what initiative I have left for learning Italian elsewhere? That would be the most logical course of action. However, any part of my brain that once handled logic has been worn down and melded vaguely into the shape of a green owl. Sure, Duolingo isn’t ideal, but MY PRECIOUS STREAK… where else will I receive validation?!?! I am sure others have experienced this: going from doing something for the intrinsic sake of doing it, to doing it because you get something out of it, whether it be money, praise, a high GPA, or a streak. It is also hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am having these issues with something I have spent over four years on; it feels like I have invested too much of my life into it to back away. Imagine if I was experiencing this disillusionment toward something ACTUALLY IMPORTANT like other people do when they no longer like something they’ve dedicated years to, like religion or sexual orientation? I think I would burst into flames. While Duolingo’s issues upset me, none of this has been for nothing. I can not deny the help that it techni-
cally has been, even if I was stationary for a while. Without Duolingo, I likely would have lost Italian entirely, and it does have certain helpful learning formats. Additionally, the issues I mentioned mostly only rear their heads when you fall into a burnout spell and are SEARCHING for the easy way out, like I was. While it is not easy to retrain your brain, I have found some success ever since I had my epiphany, which is keeping me going and gradually making me more eager to learn what I can from the owl again. It takes work, but is not impossible. Just try not to use Duolingo by itself if you want greater progress. It is helpful for certain practice and forming foundations, but you will not achieve anything close to fluency using it alone. There are other, better resources that I am now trying to use as well. At least, while I can’t find the heart to stop using Duolingo, I am forming a more well-rounded system that happens to include the app. I will end by relaying a lesson from Jacque Rancière, who wrote of the following in The Ignorant Schoolmaster: Five Lessons in Intellectual Emancipation: a French professor named Jacotot was to teach French to a class of students who only knew Flemish, a language which Jacotot himself did not know. He gave them a book filled with both Flemish text and the coinciding French translation, providing no other guidance. To his surprise, Jacotot found that his students were able to teach themselves using only the book and create complex French sentences of their own. The point Rancière is trying to make is this: if one truly wants to learn, they will do it. Now that I am breaking out of my Duolingo slump, I remember just how much I wanted and still want to learn Italian, so that is what I am going to do, moreso intrinsically motivated again. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And where there is no will, or where your will is dwindling, do not be too hard on yourself; burnout can often be out of your control. What you CAN sort of control is what happens next. Best of luck to anyone struggling with something they were once passionate about.
Here’s to 1,700 days.
B.U. Needs More Instruction in Blockchain
We live in a rapidly changing world where new technology dramatically alters the course of people’s lives. Today, the ability to receive timely information about the emergence of new revolutionary technologies, the ability to anticipate the changes that they will cause, and to be among the people who apply, promote, and develop innovations is becoming a prerequisite for success. This knowledge can also protect us from spending limited, dead-end resources (in an evolutionary sense). It is essential to stay up-to-date with the latest inventions to avoid getting involved in disappearing fields of work and lifestyles. Most importantly, it is crucial for college students to be aware of the changes happening around them, such that they can base their future on what lies ahead of them.
One such groundbreaking technology, which has piqued the interest not only of financiers and economists, but also of scholars in political economy and law, is blockchain: the code that enables the secure existence of cryptocurrencies (more precisely, information about transactions with cryptocurrency). Blockchain is responsible for the surging popularity of cryptocurrencies because it facilitates the transfer of digital money from person to person, without the need for intermediaries like financial institutions. It likewise provides much greater security of the owners’ funds compared to earlier technologies. Some predict that the era of physical money is coming to an end, and that we are approaching a new era that will reshape banking systems, the financial sphere, and even societal and government structures… the era of digital money. That’s why cryptocurrencies and blockchain are rapidly developing and penetrating into new areas of society, especially with famous and wealthy individuals investing in them. This thereby fosters their development and further enhances their popularity.
Some famous members of the “pro-crypto” movement include Elon Musk, Roger Ver, Michael Saylor, Barry Silbert, Messi, Ashton Kutcher, Mike Tyson, Jamie Fox, DJ Khaled, and Nikita Kucherov. Musk, one of the most prominent business magnates and investors of our time, is a particularly outspoken advocate for cryptocurrency. His company Tesla at one point held close to 2 billion dollars worth of Bitcoin before subsequently divesting a significant portion.
Leading universities—as structures whose main mission is to study these phenomena, participate in innovations, and train competitive professionals—have begun to actively introduce their students to the world of blockchain. The opportunities that this technology provides involves students in new developments and the search for applications beyond just finance. I strongly believe that it is important for Binghamton University, as one of the leading higher educational state institutions in the US, to better engage with research and education in blockchain technologies. This initiative will not only enhance the prestige of our school, but also increase the quality, interest, and reach of our research. Furthermore, this initiative will position our university as one of the foremost institutions contributing to the development of a revolutionary financial technology—one which represents the
By Darina Keshtova
transition of humanity to the next stage of development. So how does blockchain work? What are its main features and advantages? Blockchain is a database with transactions consisting of a sequentially built “chain” of digital “blocks.” Each “block” stores information about the transactions that came before and after it. The sequence of these “blocks” forms the “chain.” The entries of this database remain unchanged due to the “hashing” mechanism: a unique mix of alphabetic and numeric characters, where a change in one character leads to a change in all other parts. The standout advantage of the blockchain is its transparency: everyone can see the information inside the blocks, but no one can change or destroy it, thanks to the hashing mechanism. Unlike traditional centralized systems, blockchain operates as a decentralized ledger system available to every member of this network. This means transactions can occur directly between parties without the need for intermediaries such as a government, financial institution, or lawyer. Blockchain still allows transactions to be registered in financial and government institutions, which is potentially faster and more cost-effective. Moreover, the process of adding new blocks to the chain—known as mining—rewards participants, forming the financial foundation of the system. After the first transaction is made, it must be confirmed by several network participants (this is how it operates without specific intermediaries). Blockchain operates 24/7, distinguishing it from conventional banks that adhere to business hours in providing particular services and are subject to central bank regulations.
Now imagine a world where not only financial transactions can be securely and independently processed without external interference, but individuals can also exchange ownership rights without the involvement of notaries and legal organizations. This becomes a reality with Ethereum, a cryptocurrency and blockchain platform that acts as a unique digital realm where value can be exchanged, and rights can be secured using blockchain. This allows Ethereum to provide a comprehensive infrastructure, which can create and execute smart contracts and decentralized apps. The true innovation of Ethereum lies in its ability to redefine how “value” is transferred and rights are guaranteed in a decentralized, programmable, and autonomous manner.
The advantages of cryptocurrencies mentioned above have the potential to significantly reduce the level of white-collar crime, as they eliminate the possibility of fraud, data and monetary theft. Furthermore, cryptocurrency may lead to the gradual disappearance of many expensive, often ineffective components of our current financial systems and legal structures, making transactions and their financial aspects autonomous, safe, quick and low cost. For instance, the opportunity to facilitate international transactions in cryptocurrencies without intermediaries will be lower in cost than through traditional banking systems or payment processors, as there will be no processing fee added. Cryptocurrency investments have already had some positive impact on society. Let’s return to the example of Elon Musk. Because of his interest in this technology, Musk was able to make
substantial donations in Dogecoin (another kind of crypto) to fund a moon mission. This shows the potential for these digital currencies to facilitate large-scale donations and support philanthropic efforts. Since cryptocurrencies are accessible to anyone with an internet connection, enabling mass-donations to those in need from underserved areas.The fast processing-period of cryptocurrency transactions allows immediate responses to emergency situations to provide humanitarian assistance. However, the same technology challenges us posing the need to develop new methods to combat the negatives of blockchain, such as hiding income, tax evasion, illegal financial transactions among others.
Despite the fact that blockchain’s primary purpose was to record transactions, it has already given rise to many crypto-financial services. These include instant purchases in buying and trading cryptocurrencies, and more complex functions like decentralized loans. In recent years, blockchain technology has found applications not only in the sphere of finance but also in many other aspects of our everyday life. For instance, blockchain games aim to address problems in the industry, such as manipulation by gaming companies, payment difficulties, and game balance, while also providing new solutions such as player asset ownership, assigning real-life financial value to digital goods and assets. This enables their trade on blockchain-based game marketplaces such as “Axie Infinity,’’ which gives you the opportunity to gain cryptocurrency from playing. Blockchain games are managed by decentralized autonomous organizations instead of centralized entities. This means that players have the opportunity to influence certain decision-making processes in the virtual world, such as adding new features or changing game policies, rather than relying solely on the decisions of the company owners. Additionally, blockchain records all virtual transactions on transparent ledgers, helping to prevent hidden fees imposed on gamers by game owners. For instance, in Alien Worlds, one of the most popular blockchain games, players explore virtual planets and appropriate their resources, such as native cryptocurrency in tokens, while completing in-game tasks, with the purpose of earning passive rewards and consequently trading and exchanging them. Moreover, players are enabled to be a part of the game’s governance mechanisms by voting on game-related decisions.
Also, this technology has helped improve service levels in the real estate industry, addressing issues like slow transactions and mistrust between sellers and intermediaries. has introduced innovative business models, such as fractional ownership of assets that were previously challenging or impossible to divide, such as buildings, works of art and intellectual property that can not be physically split into smaller pieces. Blockchain represents the right of ownership of the asset in tokens, which, in turn, are a part of the right to a property, enabling the division of the asset into as many and as small fractions as necessary. This makes it possible for countless investors to be co-owners of an asset, democratizing investment opportunities and making them more affordable, and providing them with the right to influence decision-making related to it. Also, the development of fractional ownership will significantly reduce the risk of investing into an asset, as the cost of possible loss from investment is shared with your co-owners, and will allow you to allocate your capital in
more and diverse ways.
There are some other industries that also benefited from blockchain. In the insurance sector, this technology enhances fraud prevention, streamlines document circulation and reinsurance processes. Also, this technology is advantageous in data protection, enabling companies to establish distributed document management, which helps prevent denial of service attacks from hackers and reduces the vulnerability of website hosting services. Most pertinently, blockchain is also taking over education: fostering academic engagement, applying unchaining ledgers to store academic records and data among many other innovations. Because of these benefits, countries such as Australia, China, and Malta have already embraced blockchain to enhance security.
The fact that some countries, including one of the world’s largest economies, China, are implementing blockchain technology in their policies, and it is now finding application in the forefront of people’s social and professional lives, emphasizes the significance and scale of this technology. This should serve as an encouragement for us to delve deeper into its multiplicities, stimulating further research in this field. It’s crucial to raise awareness about blockchain and the cryptocurrencies it serves as a foundation for among our generation. We must implement initiatives for the education and use of this technology at our university.
Leading universities have already shown that we can engage in the development of the global economy and positively influence society by contributing to the blockchain and cryptocurrency movement. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology conducted groundbreaking research on blockchain that has resulted in the development of new. “consensus mechanisms” (programs which carry out the mission of achieving the highest possible liability and security in a decentralized blockchain network), and other security solutions. These advancements have the potential to revolutionize the financial and technological sectors. The University of California, Berkeley initiated the Interledger Protocol project, with the goal of facilitating cross-border micropayments and enhancing global financial accessibility. Furthermore, their research into the application of blockchain in various fields, such as supply-chain management and healthcare, is drawing global attention. The universities are preparing individuals and organizations from diverse regions of the world to harness the potential of blockchain technology for not only economic but also social advancement.
For these reasons, our university should also engage in education and research on cryptocurrencies and blockchain, positioning itself as a leading force in the transition to a new era among higher educational institutions. Given Binghamton University’s R1 research status, we can make significant contributions to addressing the challenges associated with the adoption of cryptocurrencies. We can work towards enhancing and refining blockchain technology, making it even more advantageous while mitigating its drawbacks.To initiate the movement within our school, we must begin by establishing student organizations dedicated to digital currencies and the technologies behind them. We should also host seminars, discussions, and workshops to introduce this technology to university students and encourage faculty and academic departments to integrate blockchain topics into existing courses.
Things to Hate about Binghamton and its University
First of all, we have inconsistent weather which can change on a dime. The forecast—which is EVER so reliable—changes from phone to phone so you really never know which is right until you get to a computer and check (which in reality who would really do that because I am lazy as shit).
By Midas Leung
Second is how far everything is from each other. The campus is not so big, but the hills really kill the legs in some parts. Buying anything requires a car; once you have a car, it only goes to the shopping center, the university, and home. The buses are no better. Whoops! You missed the first bus? Now you have to wait an hour for the next one. Oh! You forgot to get off at your stop? Welp, welcome to a stop 2 miles away. Have a nice walk! You didn’t download the app to check where the bus is? Now you can decide if you are 10 minutes early for your bus or 15 minutes late. It’s probably the latter.
Third, food options here are shit. The meal plan is ass! I literally gave up my air-conditioned life in Mountainview just to swelter in a Hillside apartment and walk that 15 mins to campus to save money. If I do buy food at the dining halls I buy it with a friend’s ID and I just Zelle them back. Usually I get a Freshman card because they need a meal plan anyways so suck it freshie.
Sure there is some CA/ RA/RD that needs to meet their requirements in order to keep their job but most of the time I see them doing jack shit and they still get paid.
Fourth is the lack of activities on campus and free facilities. Sure there is some CA/RA/RD that needs to meet their requirements in order to keep their job but most of the time I see them doing jack shit and they still get paid. I had one thing going for me here and that was bowling. I would bowl every single day just because I didn’t have anything to do. Soon it became a stress reliever and then an addiction. This semester, they implemented a new policy in which they charge 50 cents for shoes. I keep bowling and I sometimes bowl with friends who I am too lazy to wait for so I buy their shoes. That shit adds up quickly. I’m probably gonna lose $50 on that shit this semester.
Fifth are the professors. Some are good, and some are just so atrocious I want to switch my major but I am so deep in physics that I would have to spend another 3 years to even get a different degree. I mean, how is it that 1-stars on RateMyPro-
fessors are still teaching? It can’t be possible. If their RateMyProfessor scores are that bad, how are their end-of-semester reviews not taking them out of their job?
Sixth, EDUROAM and changing the PODS login to have Two-Factor Authentication is just ass. Do you know why we have two factors now? It’s because some kid years ago decided to bring their own router and it routed anyone close to it to Eduroam through his router through which he would collect data. Then the first day the whole internet shut down was pretty cool. They don’t grade first-week attendance because of that now so that’s great.
Seven, Some of the people are just so annoying, One time I was walking down the street with my friends to go to Goodwill because I am a frugal guy and you see this car full of white kids just drives by screeching “niiiiiii-haaaaooo.” Don’t get me wrong, it was funny, but looking back at it now, I think that was one of my first racist experiences I can remember from strangers. I found the most annoying people when I would go to the bowling alley and put my balls on the rack (;D) and then some kid would come over and just snatch that shit behind my back. At least do it in front of me so I can scream at you! I know what ball I use, so if you do it behind my back, I will see it in your lane, and I will get the lane right next to you and keep using it out of spite.
Now don’t get me wrong, I do like this school and its students. It’s just the small things that I hate add up and ruin it for me. I mean being away from family is nice and doing what I want, whenever I want is cool too. Maybe my subconscious is making me hate the small things because, deep down, I don’t want to go to the pRemieR sUNy of New yOrK. Most lists list Binghamton as second or third rather than first, anyway.
How to Cope and Seethe Like a Boss
So, let’s engage in a thought exercise. You are a breathtakingly bodacious babe who is looking for a man to solve mysteries with. You have all the apps and programs: Kik, Chatroulette, Facebook Messenger… Suddenly, a message! Your hopes soar, but you are dismayed to find that some 45-year-old creep has just “*tips fedora*”’ed at you, and that’s the 10th time this week. Politely you decline, assuring him that his Ramona-Flowers-dream-girl/gamer is still out there but is most definitely not you. His Shakespearian chivalry persona immediately dissolves as he dons the MGTOW mask, ranting about how “your[sic] an ugly bitch anyway” and how you’re fat, fatherless, or whichever red-pilled insult is trending at the moment.
Now, let’s step away from the exercise. How do you feel about that reaction? If you unironically thought “King!” I’m going to have to ask you to disengage from this article, look out from a dock across the nearest body of water, and ponder your life’s meaning and/or choices. If you thought “Cope,” then you are helping me actually get to the point of this article. Saying “Cope” has become very popular recently to point out when people are lying to themselves or others as a way to cover up a “major L.” This is reflective of a greater trend of overusing “therapy speak” to the point where it loses all meaning, as we regretfully saw with “gaslight,” “narcissist,” and believing that “setting boundaries” means controlling what other people can or cannot do. (Speaking of which, I’ve literally been saying Jonah Hill is evil for years and no one ever listens to me. Seriously, WTF.)
Anyway, give me a minute to explode your brain with some indisputable fact. Firstly, coping is something everyone does every day. Yes, even you. Yes, even I. Yes, even Elon Musk despite the fact that he is literally real-life Tony Stark! Secondly, not all coping is negative or a sign of weakness as you may have been led to believe. This stands true whether or not you believe someone is “coping and seething,” or “huffing copium,” or quite possibly my favorite, “sliding down the cope slope.” *Coping can be helpful or harmful, but it’s all a way to deal with stressors, adversity, or simply your general existence*. Where this becomes confusing is when the lines between helpful and harmful are blurred, which I will dive into after I finish wading through all this thick exposition.
Okay, so you realize you’ve been coping in some harmful ways. How can you unlearn? Well, any therapist worth their pepper is going to lay it out nice and simple. Firstly, recognize that you are using unhealthy thoughts or behaviors to cope with something that makes you uncomfortable. Next, identify some healthier skills you can use to replace the shitty ones that make you numb yourself with alcohol or pull your hair out. The common oversimplified advice will most likely involve talking to another human or, like, taking a shower. Success! Then, if you have some extra free time, explore why whatever is bothering you makes you uncomfortable. (Then you can decide whether your feelings are valid or if you need to do some serious
By Madeline Perez
thought-lifting or hitting-the-thinking-gym or whichever metaphor is going to get through the brain rot TikTok has caused you.) But what happens when your coping mechanism isn’t that black and white? What happens when your coping mechanism is seemingly healthy, the healthiest coping mechanism out there: winning at coping?
How can you unlearn (Pt 2.) when your coping mechanism is currently being idolized by half of Gen Zers as “being on that sigma grindset mindset,” and does not even seem like a problem but is so ingrained into your daily thinking that changing your cope would be in a way changing your sense of self, self-worth, and position in regards to all people around you and society as a whole?
It’s time to finally understand what this article is really about: Me. I have been struggling in the most efficient and successful way possible. To cope with a sense of self-worth that is constantly in a state of flux, I have defined myself through outside endeavors I can hold up to prove that I am the GOAT. It’s all very needlessly complex and meta. When I am feeling stressed, I have urges to do something productive so that I can point to it and say Could a stressed person do THIS?? It’s honestly hard to separate the hobbies I genuinely enjoy doing from the hobbies I enjoy doing because they serve some weird psychological function. This is the “radical extremism” of sublimation, and it horseshoe theories right back to being an unhealthy coping skill. But it can be really difficult to understand hard work and dedication in a negative light when, for most of us, the importance is stressed from a very young age. (If you haven’t realized it yet, too much of it is bad and leads to your neck hurting like a motherfucker.)
Sadly, I have been increasingly seeing this trait in others, and part of the reason I don’t use social media anymore is because it’s absolutely rife with it. Some people (not you, I’m sure) use social media as an extension to literally document themselves being funny, or interesting, or hot. It’s a stable template you can direct others to when you feel your core sense of identity can’t hold all those things at once. This is almost like being prepared for a challenger who is probably never going to show up, and the challenger is secretly you and the thoughts you insert into other people’s heads 24/7. It’s impossible to consistently be funny at the drop of a hat, or be super sexy 100% of the time, (though Meg from Hercules finds a way) so how can you fully believe this about yourself without some kind of referent? This is the hard part that I, and many others, still have to learn. You need to stop overthinking and have faith that you can be all these things and more just by existing. Even if you lack some desirable trait, this doesn’t take away from your worth as a human, like, at all. No one is going to be all up in your grill like “Oh, so you think your existence is valid? Well I don’t, so prove it!” unless you’re gay, in which case screw that guy, amirite?
“I have so much to say about the Roman Empire. I’m sorry”
In the three days that I was home over the long weekend, my sister asked me how often I think about the Roman Empire. In asking this question, she was laying a trap.
I’m taking two classes this semester that deal directly with the Romans and their legacy, so my readiness to say, “yeah all the time” to that question was immediately ridiculed.
I immediately jumped in defense of my fascination with Roman history and its various phases over the course of, like, a whole millenia (cool!).
I then started to mansplain the various distinctions between Early Rome, The Roman Republic, The Roman Empire and the impact of Christianity on the whole equation. This only made my case significantly worse, as I had accidentally revealed the fact that I’m not just thinking about Rome because of the classes I’m taking; it turns out that for whatever reason I’ve established a personal association with Roman history ever since I first encountered it.
Apparently I think about the Roman Empire quite a lot. Perhaps, even when I’m not thinking about it directly, Roman history is a classic reference point that informs the way I think about the contemporary. “It feels like the Pumpkin Spice Latte of history.” This is likely because the basis for an education in “The Liberal Arts” (Cicero? I think?) is rooted in classical tradition that has strictly informed universities’ curricula for millenia. Though there are notable gaps in a cultures’ interests in the classics, it’s a written history of thought that has been repeatedly referenced since its unfolding. It seems as though this fascination comes in part from the desire to interact with and replicate the past. To some extent, my interest in the classics comes from my own innate desire to be remembered. Just like the vast collection of thinkers before me, I like to talk with my friends about human nature, competition and collaboration, objectivity and subjectivity. Naturally, just like these thinkers, my ego wants my opinion to be preserved throughout history, read by hundreds of millions if not billions of people over thousands of years. That would be cool I think.
By Toby Olson
does our current understanding of “homoeroticism” play into this? With all these fun, funky questions in the air, I decided to make a fool of myself in the Union Marketplace on Monday afternoon and ask people “How often do you think about the Roman Empire?”
There were three general outcomes to my interviews. The first group consists of people that were uncomfortable with my choice to pull up a chair and ask them questions with my voice memos open and recording. They did not want to take any stance at all. “I don’t know anything, oh God,” said one, “I don’t think I ever thought about the Roman Empire outside of like high school,” said another. My favorite response of this category was, “It’s interesting but I don’t think about it at all. What’s this for?”
Naturally, just like these thinkers, my ego wants my opinion to be preserved throughout history, read by hundreds of millions if not billions of people over thousands of years. That would be cool I think.
This last response is notable because the person in question admits that they find the Roman Empire to be interesting, and yet they claim not to think about it “at all.” Even more interesting is their desire to know why I want to know. It seems to be that discussing Roman history has become a charged subject, where people are uncomfortable to make any statement for fear of some personal judgment.
This brings me to the next category of people I interviewed. Most people I asked knew that I was asking this question because it’s been popping up here-and-there in social media as something that brings to light the interplay between the homoeroticism-and-or-toxicity of masculinity. I got answers like, “I’m deceased… never… I see the memes,” “Recently because of the TikTok trend I think of it more for sure,” or “My girlfriend asked me this.”
The trend goes as follows: A woman asks a man how much he thinks about the Roman Empire (or more broadly, Roman history). Based on the man’s answer, people render judgments about him and about masculinity as a whole. The assumed conclusion is that men think about the Roman Empire a lot because it’s linked to some masculine fantasy around power and status (apparently gained by homoerotic celebratory displays and personal relationships—teehee).
There are obvious problems with this: It takes a whole lot of naivete to decide that the opinion one supports is an absolute. For the most part, the continuity of the Western Canon sheds light on the human need to preserve both personal and cultural identity. How does masculinity function into the desire to be remembered? To what extent is it inherent to masculinity? To what extent is the patriarchal layout of Ancient-to-Christian Rome responsible for our notions that these things are masculine? Since it was only free, land-owning men who were fortunate enough to have their opinion propagated for centuries by other free, land-owning men, we’re bound to have a very narrow perspective to which only land-owning men can relate. To what extent
Regardless of how much they claim to think about the Roman Empire, this portion of the interviewees had ideas about the way in which notions of Roman culture should (or shouldn’t) inform contemporary society, typically in regards to masculine image.
I won’t attempt to establish anything definitive, but based off conversations I’ve had with some friends and the above VoxPop interviews (Latin origins btw: Vox Populi translates directly to “voice of the people”), I maintain that a fascination with the Roman Empire should neither be designated as masculine nor feminine. Rather, Roman history presents a breadth of customs that can become templates that inform a person’s masculine iden-
tity and fantasy.
This is quite obvious in looking at the statements from Binghamton students.
I asked the question: “What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I mention the Roman Empire?”
For the most part people did not identify masculinity as foundational to their understanding of Roman history. People mentioned architecture (Aqueducts!) and some… clothing? (Romans wore skirts and togas. I’d wear a skirt if you did, kidding… unless?) Literature came up, “I don’t love Italy… I do love Augustine.” Another fellow “was thinking about cheese, for some reason” and “was like, I wonder what types of cheese ancient Romans ate?” (He just like me fr).
Three people mentioned masculinity directly. “The whole army was gay. It’s no surprise that they topped every other nation. There is definitely something that can be said about Romans being idolized as the pinnacle of masculinity, when most of them slept with their homeboys,” said the first. “The gladiator shit. That’s true masculinity. If I had a man do that for me I would fumble.” said the second. “If so many men are thinking about it, there must be some correlation,” said another. One person said one word “soldiers” and I’m gonna count that in here too.
Another two people mentioned power directly. (I don’t think the concept of power should be tied into masculinity. Power is felt and experienced differently between men and women and everything in between. Consider slogans like “Girl Power or this power or that power; these all refer to different traits that different people identify with the idea of power.)
“It was an unjust power structure… if you’re not in power you want it, if you’re in power you want more. It’s greedy, it’s very human,” said one. “The power vacuum left at the fall of the Roman Empire,” said another.
With the information I gathered from my brief encounter with the public (spooky), I’ll address my questions again. How does masculinity fit into the desire to be immortalized through action? I don’t know man. It does seem that wealthy, land-owning men made a concerted effort to keep their opinions exalted over other (equally worthy and potentially more interesting) opinions through recorded history. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Something about Hegel?
To what extent does thinking about Roman culture inform one’s masculinity? Not too much. As seen above, most people thought about architecture, literature or cuisine. There are definitely conclusions to be made about Roman masculinity and its impact, but people are equally thrilled by fun facts about aqueducts. (Water all the way from Gaul? No way!) and the historical trajectory of cheese preparation.
To what extent is the patriarchal layout of Ancient-to-Christian Rome responsible for our notions that these things are masculine? It’s just as responsible as any patriarchal republic or empire. As most U.S. students learned at some point in middle school, the Roman Republic is foundational to our current legislative system. This Roman Republic was brought to you courtesy of slavery and misogyny. It’s not fun to address the fact that ours is too! We should though. We can point fingers at Roman culture (and boy did they contribute) but we should first point to ourselves and our friends. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” or something.
To what extent does our current understanding of homoeroticism play into this? If you’re really into history, you’ve probably had to think about Roman history, that’s totally cool man. If you’re really into Roman history you probably know that at the very least they grappled with each other, in thongs, smothered in oil. If you’re really into that specific fact, (and to most people who are into Roman military history—this probably applies to you even if you’re repressing your knowledge of their homoeroticism and skirt wearing), that right there might be an indicator of something.
You may notice that I’ve abstained from gendering any of the above interviewees. I wanted to gauge a couple people’s opinions without making what they had to say about their gender. That being said, below is a list of all quotes and the gender of their speaker. There is absolutely nothing valid to be established empirically here, enjoy.
“I don’t Love Italy… I do love Augustine” - Man
“Fall and rise of civilizations, power structures” - Man
“It was an unjust power structure… if you’re not in power you want it, if you’re in power you want more. Its greedy, it’s very human.” - Man
“I do think about Rome a lot” - Man
“The power vacuum left at the fall of the Roman Empire” - Man
“I really like the outfits I think we should bring that back, like the short skirts” - Woman
“The gladiator shit. That’s true masculinity, I had a man do that for me I would fumble” - Man
“That feminine look on a man especially when they have muscles” - Man
“I don’t know anything, oh God” - Woman
“Recently because of the tiktok trend I think of it more for sure”
- Woman
“Remember history, sure” - Woman
“I used to know more like in sixth grade” - Man
“You know I was actually thinking about it last night. I wonder what Roman emperors ate.” - Man
“I was thinking about cheese, for some reason, and I was like I wonder what types of cheese did ancient Romans eat?” - Same dude (goat)
“My girlfriend asked me this” - Man
“Like the big horse… trojan horse” - Man
“I don’t think I ever thought about the Roman Empire outside of like high school” - Man
“It’s interesting but I don’t think about it at all. What’s this for?”
- Man
“Maybe like once a week” - Woman
“The columns, the outfits… that’s about it” - Woman
“I’m deceased… never… I see the memes” - Man
“Uhmmm, like the colosseum I guess” - Woman
“It feels like the pumpkin spice latte of history, thinking about the roman empire.. I’d probably say like once a month” - Man
“If so many men are thinking about it there must be some correlation” - Woman
“The whole army was gay. It’s no surprise that they topped every other nation. There is definitely something that can be said about Romans being idolized as the pinnacle of masculinity, when most of them slept with their homeboys,” - Man
The Worst Game Ever Created
By Angelo DiTocco
Weall need to be entertained from time to time. And unless you’re one of those people who only watches Netflix or Hulu or Peacock or whichever other one of the 15 big streaming services there are nowadays, you pass the time by playing games. However, some games are so bad that after playing them, you wish you had instead spent that time watching grass grow. There are a variety of reasons why a game can be bad. Some games can seem never-ending, like Uno, Monopoly, and the occasional CS:GO match that my friends force me to participate in (Seriously? 30 rounds? Who needs that many?). Others are filled to the brim with microtransactions. I’d give you an example, but you could just as easily look at your phone’s home screen. Many games that you find in casinos or arcades take no skill and are just designed to drain your wallet. Some games are just so bad that they’ve become memes, like Sonic ’06 and Hotel Mario. But there’s one game that I consider to be worse than any other that mankind has created. It has absolutely no redeeming qualities and doesn’t get nearly as much hate as it deserves. That game is none other than pickleball.
For those of you who don’t know, pickleball is basically tennis if you made it worse in every conceivable way.
“What the fuck is pickleball?” I already hear some of you asking. And that’s a good thing. If you don’t know what it is, you might want to turn the page, because it won’t be easy to bear the knowledge that not only does this game exist, but it’s taken seriously. For the brave souls who do want to know more about it (or the freaks who actually like it and need to be convinced otherwise), keep reading. As I cover each new aspect of this sad excuse for a game, you’ll hopefully begin to agree more and more that whoever came up with Pickleball was either sadistic or high as a kite.
The Mechanics
For those of you who don’t know, pickleball is basically tennis if you made it worse in every conceivable way. This might be a bold claim, but I’ll start by talking about the mechanics. In tennis, your racket is built with a wire mesh on the inside, allowing the ball to easily bounce off it. Badminton and ping-pong, the other net and racket sports, have similarly convenient designs. However, the creator of pickleball gave you a massive middle finger and just left you with a paddle made of solid wood. Seriously, this thing would be better used in the 1950s for spanking your kids when they say swear words. It has no business being used in any kind of sport or game whatsoever. Anyway, since the paddle is harder than I get when I see people holding hands, you’d expect the ball to at least have some bounce to it, right? Nope! They downgraded the ball too! Unlike the shuttlecock and balls in badminton, tennis, and ping pong, which are all designed to have some “boinging”-ness to them, they decided to choose a hard, plastic wiffleball for some reason. Not only do you have this ungodly combination of materials, but
the ball is too big and the paddle is too small. How are you supposed to easily get the ball over the net with this kind of equipment? The answer is that you’re not. It takes an extraordinary amount of effort and divine intervention just to hit the ball in such a way that it goes over the net and lands in the opposing team’s court, outside their “kitchen”. What is “the kitchen,” you may ask? Let me tell you.
The Rules
“The kitchen” is a section of the court directly next to the net on both sides. First of all, why do they call it the kitchen anyway? Was the creator of pickleball really so high that he had the munchies and had to use culinary terms to name every part of the sport? What’s next? Is the net called a “waffle”? Are the paddles “pots and pans”? Are the players called “chefs”? When does this madness end? And the special thing about the kitchen is that sometimes you’re allowed to stand in it and sometimes you’re not. Make up your mind!
From the very small amount of time I’ve spent trying to understand the rules, they’re somewhat similar to badminton where
Since balls don’t grow on trees, you have no choice but to chase it around like the animal you’ve been reduced to. Once you finally get your hands on it and return to your court, 10 pounds lighter, the only thing your impatient teammates and opponents can say is “What took you so long?”
the serving team’s players switch sides each time they score and change who serves when they don’t. Note how I’m comparing against badminton here because I don’t really know the rules of tennis either. But despite my dislike for tennis, I still find it miles better than the abomination that is pickleball. Anyway, though I don’t know all the rules of pickleball, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was something stupid like “if your score is a perfect square, you must serve from outside the court.”
The Gameplay
99% of volleys will end within 5 seconds when you receive the ball and are unable to hit it with your micropaddle. Or if you do somehow hit it, your whack sends the ball in the wrong direction. Either way, the speaker inside the ball plays a sound effect saying “You can’t catch me!” and the motors inside it begin accelerating it to top speed. At this point, you’re screwed. The ball proceeds to roll through all of the other courts in the field, somehow finds a hole in the fence and rolls through that, goes down the street, makes a left turn at the light, goes to the airport, and hops on the flight to Alaska. Since balls don’t grow on trees, you have no choice but to chase it around like the animal you’ve
been reduced to. Once you finally get your hands on it and return to your court, 10 pounds lighter, the only thing your impatient teammates and opponents can say is “What took you so long?”
One thing I don’t like about watching football is that towards the end of the games, the teams will make a 10-second play and then spend several minutes coming up with a plan for the next one. However, you can at least say they’re using that time to strategize. The same can’t be said for pickleball. For each second of gameplay, there is at least an hour of doing nothing but the mindless activity of chasing the ball around. At that point, you’re just playing fetch.
You’ll enjoy the beautiful view of nature much more than staring at the fences surrounding the tennis courts that you’ve hijacked to play your unholy game of fetch.
Skill Floor and Skill Ceiling
A good game should be easy to learn and hard to master. Pickleball is neither of those things. Of course, anyone of any skill level can technically play the game, but unless you spend hundreds of hours mastering the paddle, you’re not going to remotely enjoy it. In contrast, in a sport like bowling, even if you’re bad at it, you can still get some satisfaction out of it when you knock down a pin or two. And it doesn’t actively punish you for being bad at it by making you chase the ball around. Badminton is another example of a sport with a low skill floor. The shuttlecock falls very slowly so you can easily get some good hits on it no matter how skilled you are, and the piece stops in its tracks when it hits the ground.
Pickleball may not be easy to pick up, but does it still have competitive potential? The answer is no. Due to its clunky mechanics and overly punishing gameplay, it will never have nearly as much potential as its sensical counterparts. In real sports, you can work your way up to getting a hole-in-one, pulling off cool spikes, or hitting home runs. But pickleball has no such room for improvement beyond just being consistent at hitting the ball. Besides, when was the last time you saw professional pickleball broadcasted on TV, went to a stadium to see a pickleball game, or heard of someone getting a college scholarship for being skilled at pickleball?
Counterarguments and Rebuttals
Even after all the FACTS and LOGIC I’ve used to prove why pickleball sucks ass, I know I’m still going to have a few radical pickleball fans disagreeing with me. In this section, I’ll be outlining some of the most common excuses that these victims of brainwashing use to defend it, and why they’re complete garbage.
One argument these sheep will use to defend pickleball is that they say it’s a good sport for old people to play because it’s
not very physically intensive. This ignores the fact that you still need to run around the court in order to reach the ball, and you need to bend over to pick it up after you’ve chased it down. Boomers aren’t good at either of those things. Bowling is a much better fit for them because it doesn’t require running around or bending over. You might argue that the weight of the ball is a problem for them, but some bowling balls can be pretty light. I’m sure that even Joe Biden can lift up something that weighs 8 pounds. It also costs money to bowl, but that’s not an issue for the generation that’s taking way too long to retire.
Pickleball fanatics will also claim that the extra down-time of pickleball allows for people to socialize. However, a pickleball game is a poor setup to do so. Not only are you so far away from your opponents that you have to scream at them to communicate (something old people are very good at, I’ll admit), but the player who’s running around to get the ball is always excluded. I’m sure that when my P.E. teachers forced us to play it, my teammates and opponents said the nastiest things about me behind my back while I was too busy running a half marathon to retrieve the wiffleball. If you want to exercise and socialize at the same time, just go on a walk or hike together. You’ll enjoy the beautiful view of nature much more than staring at the fences surrounding the tennis courts that you’ve hijacked to play your unholy game of fetch.
Conclusion
Hopefully, by now, you’re convinced of the truth that pickleball is a complete load of barnacles that does not deserve to be played under any circumstances whatsoever. If you still think it’s a good game, then you should probably drop out because even SoM is clearly too challenging for you. For those of you who are no longer living a lie, be sure to spread the word. If you have any brainwashed friends who still “enjoy” playing it, be sure to refuse to join them and relentlessly argue with them about it every chance you get. You may end up no longer being friends with them, but a friend who engages in that type of sin is a friend not worth having.
