BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXXIV, Issue I Matt Gagliano
Managing Editor Madeline Perez Copy Desk Chief Joe Badalamenti
Business Manager Charles Forman
Social Media Shitposter Arthur O’Sullivan
Editor Emeritus Jake Schweitzer
Staff Writers
Dillon O’Toole Siddharth Gundapaneni Patrick McAuliffe Tommy Gagliano
Contributors
THE ABCS OF BINGHAMTON
PAGE 8 3 4 5 6 10 11
Julius Apostata
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Special Thanks To:
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Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
by Our Staff
Editorial by Matt Gagliano Press Watch by Our Staff Afghanistan Has Fallen by Julius Apostata This Loose Article is Not Permitted at Six Flags by Matt Gagliano Mask Mandate? I’ll Pass by Siddharth Gundapaneni The Cuomo Chronicles: The Witch is Dead! by Patrick McAuliffe New York Vaccine Apartheid by Joe Badalamenti We’re Starting a Column! by Our Staff Where Do Babies Come From? by Madeline Perez
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2
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Vol. XXXIV, Issue I
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
Welcome back everybody! Both to Binghamton Review, and to a somewhat normal semester. No more Zoom classes, no more sitting in my apartment 24/7, no more crying myself to sleep after submitting assignments at 3am. Well, unless COVID cases start to spike and the University shuts down again. But this is supposed to be a happy moment, so we should focus on the positives, like the fact that for the first time since two years, Hinman Dining is open! That would have been nice when I lived in Hinman in 2019, but whatever, at least the freshman get to enjoy it. Speaking of freshman, if you’re new to campus and want to learn about all the things that Binghamton has to offer, I recommend checking out The ABCs of Binghamton on pages 8 and 9. Despite the return to in-person classes, we unfortunately still have to wear masks indoors. Personally, I was kind of hoping that once I got the vaccine, I would be done with masks for good, but it seems that mask mandates are here to stay. If you want Siddharth Gundapaneni’s opinion on mask mandates, check out “Mask Mandate? I’ll pass.” on page 10. If you’re looking for news that goes beyond the Binghamton campus, Patrick McAuliffe tears Andrew Cuomo a new one in his article “The Cuomo Chronicles: The Witch is Dead!” on page 11. Julius Apostata also covers some major world news, as he discusses how the Taliban gained control of Afghanistan, and which President was most at fault in his article “Afghanistan Has Fallen” on Page 5. You might also be interested in Joe Badalamenti’s article “New York Vaccine Apartheid” on page 12. As you can probably guess, he goes in depth about vaccine requirements and whether there is any basis for them. If you’re looking for some more light-hearted, almost nonsensical comedy articles, I recommend checking out Madeline Perez’s “Where Do Babies Come From?” on page 14. The answer may shock you. I would also recommend checking my article “This Loose Article is Not Permitted at Six Flags” on page 6. If you’ve ever read one of my articles before, first of all, I’m sorry, but secondly, you probably know the “humorous” style with which I write. This article is no exception, even if I’m exposing the biggest scam in Six Flags history. I hope you all enjoy this issue. Hopefully I get better at writing these editorials as I go. This should be a great semester, and a great year, for Binghamton Review, especially once I learn how to not make my editorials dry as hell. Good luck with the start of classes, and happy reading!
Sincerely,
Matt Gagliano Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
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CPampus resswatch
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Written by our Staff
We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
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Afghanistan Has Fallen By Julius Apostata
I
t’s important to take a moment to reflect on the year we live in: 2021. Yes, it seems that we have somehow ended up in the worst possible timeline, given the increased challenges throughout the past year and a half. But this year also marks an important milestone in American history, given that it has been nearly two decades since 9/11. Regardless of our varying deposition towards “The War on Terror”, it’s safe to say that this date changed our understanding of both the Middle East and US foreign policy for generations to come. Another couple of months later, the United States, and other coalition allies, toppled the Taliban of Afghanistan due to their sheltering of the mastermind behind 9/11, Osama bin Laden. Mission accomplished, right? Fast forward nearly twenty years later; the United States and her allies have decided to leave Afghanistan after attempting to build a democratic government in the region. Within mere weeks, the capital of Kabul has fallen; thousands of innocent Afghans attempt to flee from a resurgent Taliban, desperately clinging onto the outside of planes leaving Kabul only to fall to their deaths. So long as we are willing to engage in partisan discussion, we arrive at a question that has popped up frequently: who is more responsible, as President of the United States, for the debacle that occurred in Afghanistan, Joe Biden or Donald Trump? Given the fact that the fall of Afghanistan had occurred under Joe Biden, it would be natural to place the blame squarely upon him. There is some truth to this statement; President Biden had secured the pullout of US troops from Afghanistan to occur on 9/11/21, assuring members of the public that we wouldn’t see Afghanistan devolve into another South Vietnam. Perhaps a poor choice of words, given some of the similarities many political commentators make about the situation now. President Biden seemed confident in this statement, noting that there was no way 300,000 Afghan soldiers would be defeated by 75,000 Taliban, per intelligence reports he was receiving. However, it should be considered that, although these forces existed on paper, in reality, the Afghan National Army may have had their troop numbers inflated due to corruption, according to CNN and Foreign Affairs. This suggests that Biden was operating with faulty intelligence as to what was actually going on in Afghanistan. For his part, President Biden has mostly struck a defensive tone, stating that he was obligated to complete this withdrawal due to a previous deal struck by former President Trump (more on this later). This references the Doha Agreement, a peace deal signed between the United States and the Taliban in February of 2020 to remove US troops from Afghanistan and encourage cooperation between the Afghan government and the Taliban while renouncing terrorist groups like Al Qaeda. Biden claims that his hands were tied with this agreement, stating that he was obligated to follow through with this deal. Importantly, however, an aide to chief U.S. negotiator Zalmay Khalilzad argued that Biden could have backed out of the Doha Agreement should both the Taliban and Afghan government not reach an agreement, which, predictably, they didn’t. Of course, Biden acknowledged to George Stephanopo-
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AFGHANISTAN HAS FALLEN
lous in an interview that withdrawal, peace agreement or not, was inevitable, meaning that even without the Doha Agreement this situation could have unfolded regardless. Naturally, the ensuing crisis that we currently face in Afghanistan, with US equipment in the hands of the Taliban and both Afghan refugees and American citizens begging for an escape at the Kabul airport, owes some responsibility to President Biden. Naturally, the more opportunistic among us would kick President Biden while he’s down in a moment of crisis. Cue: former President Donald Trump, laying the blame of Afghanistan solely at the feet of President Biden. Yet, when one stops to ignore the failures of Biden’s intelligence operatives and the opportunities to renege on the Doha Agreement, it isn’t too surprising to see that Trump’s hands in the situation aren’t clean. As previously mentioned, the Doha Agreement was reached between the United States under President Trump and the Taliban to facilitate the withdrawal of US troops, with Trump’s goal to have all American troops pulled by May of 2021. Unfortunately, for the guy who wrote “The Art of the Deal”, Trump’s Doha Agreement was surprisingly weak in attempting to negotiate with the Taliban. Firstly, even though the peace deal stipulated that the agreement was valid so long as the Taliban acted in good faith and that both parties could agree, the Taliban nonetheless continued insurgent activity even after the signing of the deal. Such fighting became increasingly rampant even after the deal was signed, leading to some of the bloodiest combat in the past 20 years, according to the Afghan government. Should Trump have really struck such a great “deal”, this would likely have meant the deal was broken, except Trump continued the evacuation of troops as planned. Perhaps more pressing was a controversial prisoner swap that occurred between all parties; in exchange for 1,000 Afghan security forces, the former administration and the Afghan government agreed to release 5,000 Taliban prisoners. Unsurprisingly, many of these same Taliban prisoners, such as Abdul Ghani Baradar, would go on to lead the offensive against the Afghan government that saw their collapse. Wow, who knew that releasing senior officials of the Taliban from prison would only strengthen the Taliban? Needless to say, Trump isn’t blameless in this current disaster we see unfolding day by day. Could the crisis really be attributed to one man? It might be fair to say that such attempts are somewhat reductionist, as America’s foreign policy in Afghanistan was not the result of one president, but rather four administrations and their attempts to seek justice while maintaining a weak grasp over the area. Afghanistan has a reputation for being the “graveyard of empires”; shortsighted and hawkish foreign policy will only spell doom in the long term. Perhaps Trump and Biden are not to be completely blamed, as Afghanistan was inevitably going to end in catastrophe thanks to such policies. While there are many political figures who could be blamed for the state of Afghanistan, one thing is certain: twenty years, thousands of US troops and resources wasted, and many Afghan civilian deaths have led to what seems like a return to the pre-war conditions.
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THIS LOOSE ARTICLE IS NOT PERMITTED AT SIX FLAGS
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This Loose Article is Not Permitted at Six Flags By Matt Gagliano
B
inghamton Review is back! Did you miss us? Admit it, you missed us. I guess I should start off this article by saying welcome back; hopefully this semester is the start of things returning back to normal. Although, they’re still making us wear masks indoors, so maybe not. Either way, I’m getting off topic. You would think that now that I’m Editor-in-Chief, I would go on fewer tangents and write about more serious topics. Jokes on you, though, because now there’s no one above me who can tell me no! All of my articles will be page-long tangents about random shit, and there’s nothing you can do about it! I’m drunk with power! Anyway, I hope that everyone had a good summer. As I’m sure many of yours were, my summer was filled with a balance of work, seeing old friends from high school, and the traditional, once-per-summer pilgrimage to Six Flags Great Adventure. While I was at Six Flags, however, I unintentionally
“Like, how did he know that it was my phone in my pocket and not just my enormous penis?” uncovered a massive scam that’ll make you go, “yeah, that’s kind of bullshit, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it.” So strap in, empty your pockets, and keep all hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the vehicle at all times, because you’re about to embark on a wild ride... This article. This article is the wild ride. In case you didn’t pick up on that. First things first, what scam am I referring to? The fact that all the carnival games they have there are rigged? The fact that they charge $5 for water bottles? No, because water bottles actually cost $5.50 at Six Flags. Also, because the scam I’m referring to makes those look like Binghamton University’s meal plan; still a scam, just a minor one that only affects a small group of people. The scam I’m refer-
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ring to is the locker system. Anyone that has ever been to Six Flags, or any amusement park for that matter, has probably seen the rentable lockers that they have outside of some of the rides. The idea behind these lockers is that if you have a bag or something that is too big to bring on the ride, you can rent a locker to put it in. “What about these lockers makes them a scam?” you may be asking, like a naive, smooth-brained moron. Well, let me tell you a story about my most recent trip to Six Flags. Toward the beginning of this summer, I went to Six Flags Great Adventure with my dad, brother, and step-brother. None of us brought any kind of bag, because we’re men, and therefore our pants actually have pockets. We went on a few rides without any problem, until we went to get in line for El Toro. El Toro is an old, rickety, run-down, wooden roller coaster that has a few sudden drops, but no loops, corkscrews, or any other kind of upside-down segments. That’s probably why all of us were surprised when there was an employee who stopped us from getting in line and told us that we were not allowed to have any items in our pockets on the ride. Fucking dick. As a proponent of cargo shorts, I came prepared. I moved my phone and wallet into the buttoned pocket on my shorts, assuming this would be acceptable for Mr. Phone Police. Oh boy was I wrong. The employee pulled out his gun and shot all four of us on the spot. Alright, that didn’t actually happen, but can you imagine? Instead, he simply told us that it didn’t matter if it was in a buttoned pocket, we had to
put everything that was in our pockets into a locker to go on the ride. At first, I was just a little annoyed that this guy wasn’t letting us on the ride. Like, how did he know that it was my phone in my pocket and not just my enormous penis? But after some thought, I realized that this “rent our lockers or else” policy didn’t make any sense. I started to keep note of the rides that had signs relating to “loose articles” before you got on the line, and here’s what I found: The only ride with a Phone Police officer preventing you from getting in line was El Toro. There were some rides with a sign that read “loose articles are not permitted on this ride,” such as the Joker and Superman rides, and some had a sign that said loose articles must be put into a buttoned pocket, such as Bizarro and Nitro. When I saw the sign on the line for Bizarro, my first thought was “that makes sense, this ride goes upside down, so they don’t want anything falling out of your pockets.” Unfortunately for me, at this moment I was the naive, smooth-brained moron. After thinking about it for the next 10 or so minutes of the hour-long line, I
“Without the lap bar, you might be able to actually feel like Superman. At least for a few seconds, then you’d get to feel like Superman if he were hit by a Kryptonite train.” realized that putting all of your loose articles into a buttoned pocket didn’t make any sense at all. If you’ve ever been on a roller coaster that has an upside-down segment, you probably noticed that during that loop, you are pushed back into your seat. If you didn’t notice this, either you were too busy pissing your pants and vomiting, or you broke the laws of physics. Either way, I’m sure that made everyone around you go “dude, what the fuck?” so good job. The reason you feel this
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BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM push is because of the inertial force caused by the acceleration of the roller coaster. Essentially, the roller coaster creates a force stronger than gravity that pushes you into your seat. This force isn’t just applied to you though, it’s applied to all the “loose articles” you have in your pockets, meaning that going upside down on a roller coaster like Bizarro won’t cause items to fall out of your pockets, but actually it will push them further into your pockets. So to summarize, it doesn’t matter if you keep your phone in a regular pocket or a buttoned pocket, the only thing that Bizarro’s loop-deloops might make come flying out of you is that funnel cake you paid way too much for. So what does this have to do with El Toro? As I mentioned earlier, El Toro doesn’t have any upside-down sections. The main concern with “loose articles” on El Toro are the sudden drops. If you’ve ever been on a roller coaster with sudden drops, you probably noticed the opposite effect compared to going upside down. I suppose the piss and vomit exception is still valid here, but if you’re losing your shit (literally or figuratively) due to a drop in a roller coaster, you should probably see a doctor, because there’s either something medically wrong with you, or you have a weak bloodline. Either way, I feel sorry for you. Getting back on-topic, sudden drops in roller coasters typically give you the feeling that you’re going to fly out of your seat, and that’s because if the lap bar wasn’t there, you would. Without the lap bar, you might be able to actually feel like Superman. At least for a few seconds, then you’d get to feel like Superman if he were hit by a Kryptonite train. This “fly out of your seat” sensation can be explained with Newton’s first law. I’m sure you’ve probably heard of this law, without even realizing that it was something that Apple Boy came up with. Newton’s first law states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object at rest tends to stay at rest. I wonder how many people reading this just went: “Oh shit, I have heard that before.” Told you so. Anyway, at the top of the drop, your body is at rest, as far as vertical motion
editor@binghamtonreview.com
THIS LOOSE ARTICLE IS NOT PERMITTED AT SIX FLAGS
is concerned, so when the roller coaster suddenly drops down, your body wants to remain vertically motionless, making you feel like you’re going to fly out of your seat. And just like before, this also applies to the items in your pockets. At this point, you may be thinking that what I just said directly contradicts my point and proves Six Flags right. If your phone in your pocket experiences that same thing that we do during drops on roller coasters, certainly it will come flying out of your pocket. To that I say, “Yeah, pretty much.” If you put your phone or wallet in a regular pocket, it might come flying out on rides with sudden drops like El Toro. However, as usual, you underestimate the usefulness of cargo shorts! Everybody always underestimates the cargo shorts! If you remember, when I went to get in line for El Toro, I moved my “loose articles” into a buttoned pocket so that they wouldn’t fly out. In order for my phone to fly out of my pocket, it would have to have an upward force great enough to open my buttoned pocket, then fly out. “But Matt,” you may protest, like an impatient fool who hasn’t yet learned that I’m always right and you’re always wrong, “how do you know that El Toro doesn’t impart enough force on your phone to do that?” Well, for starters, because I’m not an idiot. Also, earlier I mentioned that there were two rides that said to put loose articles in a buttoned pocket. The first was Bizarro, which I already proved was bullshit, and the second was Nitro. Nitro is similar to El Toro in the sense that there
are no upside-down sections, and both have some high-speed, sudden drops. The difference between them, however, is that Nitro goes much faster, and has higher drops, meaning that the upward force generated on you and the “articles” in your pocket (hopefully they’re Binghamton Review articles) is greater than that of El Toro. Yet, there was no Phone Police on Nitro, and that was because you’re allowed to have loose articles on Nitro. Just as the final nail in the coffin, I went on Nitro with my phone in my buttoned pocket, and surprise surprise, it didn’t fly out, meaning it absolutely would NOT have flown out on El Toro! So there you have it. Six Flags destroyed with facts and logic. There is absolutely no reason that I can’t have my phone in a buttoned pocket on El Toro. Six Flags simply decided to have an employee block the line and force you to use a locker so they can suck money out of you with the same finesse as a whore sucking dick. I already paid $5.50 for one singular bottle of water Six Flags, how greedy can you be? Now you expect me to pay $1 to rent a locker so I can get on a ride? Not happening! This is not about the money, this is about the principle! I refuse to buy into your scam! I don’t care that I would only have to pay $1 for the convenience of not having to worry about it. I will inconvenience myself as much as possible because someone needs to take you down a peg, Six Flags! Fellow Bing Reviewers, we can stand for this no longer! Join me in putting an end to Six Flags’ bullshit! #SixFlagsIsOverParty
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THE ABCS OF BINGHAMTON
The ABCs of Binghamton
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By Our Staff
Are you a freshman? Are you having trouble adjusting to the many new and confusing things that you may find in Binghamton? Well, you’re in luck! Here at Binghamton Review, we have a yearly tradition of writing a list of things commonly encountered in the Binghamton area from A to Z. We hope you enjoy this guide to some of the finest things Binghamton has to offer.
A
G
B
H
ir Conditioning: Something we don’t have as we write this, explaining the rest of this list.
inghamton Review: The best, and possibly only, publication on campus.
overnor: Something Andrew Cuomo isn’t.
inman Dining Hall: After many execrable years of waiting, it’s finally here and it’s… alright I guess.
C
I
D
J
ampaigns: Our members unsuccessfully run them sometimes.
octor Octopus: He’s in the new Spider-Man flick. Would you believe us if we told you that Alfred Molina went to Binghamton? He didn’t, but it would be insane if he did, don’t you think?
E
lections: Stolen. From who? We don’t know.
talians: Apparently not perverted. You’ll be disappointed if you want an authentic pizza pie in the Southern Tier.
oints. Don’t think I don’t smell that, CIW residents. At least it’s legal now!
K
rill: The other BU publications, and we are the whale that eats them!
L
igma: The newest COVID variant.
F
rats: With fewer COVID concerns, you can bet that every animal house will be packed this semester.
M
orals: Something the students pretend to have as they throw out our issues.
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THE ABCS OF BINGHAMTON
N
U
O
V
P
W
ewing. Newing will simply be obliterated. This is a threat.
scillation: Something that the administration likes to do on COVID policy.
resswatch: the perennial Binghamton Review institution that has significantly less work to do, as no other campus paper uses paper anymore
ltimate, Sigma the: Entity in charge of running all of Binghamton Review’s social media accounts. (RIP Arthur)
accines: required.
ebsite: something Pipe Dream lacks presently, unlike us (www.binghamtonreview.com)
Q
X
R
at: As in “The Rat.” A sweaty basement where dreams and dignity go to die.
Y
S
cience buildings: For every Harpur student that inexplicably has a discussion group in them, have fun finding your room!
Z
ueen: Something our female readers are. And also our male readers ;)
ylophone.
our mom: we’re doin’.
oomers: Any zoomer born after 2002 can’t cook. All they know is political extremism, watch tik-tok, consume soy milk, among us, and stan.
T
extbooks: overpriced paperweights that serve as a professor’s ego trip when you must buy theirs.
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MASK MANDATE? I’LL PASS
Mask Mandate? I’ll Pass
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By Siddharth Gundapaneni
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ost everyone has come to the consensus that this pandemic needs to end. But the fact of the matter is that masks won’t get us out of this pandemic. The only way this pandemic will end is through more people getting vaccinated. Sure, mask mandates won’t stifle progress towards the end of this pandemic, but are they really worth it? Should colleges be mandating masks for vaccinated students? The short answer is no. A study done by the Mayo Clinic found that both the Pfizer and the Moderna vaccines are “96% effective at preventing severe disease with the COVID-19 virus caused by the delta variant.” To contextualize that, the Pfizer vaccine was 97% effective at preventing severe disease with COVID-19 prior to the delta variant becoming prevalent. Every public policy decision must be made considering cost-benefit analysis. Of course the safest thing would be a permanent mask mandate as that would lower transmission of other viruses like the flu, but that is not ideal in a free society. I do believe that every prior mask mandate was justified,
“The vaccinated population should not have to live a compromised life for the sake of those unwilling to protect themselves.”
vaccine, so be it, who are we to judge? The vaccinated population should not have to live a compromised life for the sake of those unwilling to protect themselves. There is a fundamental flaw with the way in which cable news has been assessing the state of the pandemic. Transmission rates and breakthrough cases are irrelevant as vaccinated people do not have to worry about severe sickness, the delta variant, or other COVID terrors. Furthermore, there is too much hysteria about breakthrough cases. If a vaccinated person isn’t going to get sick from a positive COVID-19 test, why should that be taken into account at all? At this point, the only relevant statistics are hospitalizations and deaths, which are insignificant among vaccinated people. One might argue that unvaccinated children are at significant risk, but a recent study done on August 8th has clearly shown that children are not at risk of severe sickness from the delta variant. The study, as seen below, showed that zero 12-29 year olds had a severe case of COVID-19, regardless of vaccination status. Finally, the share of breakthrough cases has been heavily overstated. In Connecticut, 99.85% of positive cases
were unvaccinated people. The state with the lowest share of unvaccinated people that tested positive is Arizona, and even then 94.1% of the total cases were unvaccinated people. When we look at deaths, in states like New Jersey, 99.91% of COVID-19 deaths were among the unvaccinated. The American vaccines are effective, and have provided immense protection against the Brazil variant, the early United Kingdom strain, the India Variant, and the Delta Variant. There is no reason to doubt the efficacy of the vaccines, and we should not support policies that baselessly fear-monger. Forcing vaccinated people to wear masks will not end this pandemic any faster, will infringe on the liberties of Americans, and will provide support for the unvaccinated people who wrongfully don’t fear this virus.
as the public health crisis was great enough to temporarily outweigh civil liberties. But now that the vaccine has been made easily accessible to all and is clearly effective at protecting individuals, we must begin to reconsider civil liberties. The government is even willing to do homebound vaccinations among various other measures to promote inoculation. Those who are unvaccinated right now have willingly made that decision, and are responsible for their own health. The government must stop bailing out poor decision-making skills of its constituents. If unvaccinated people fear the
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THE CUOMO CHRONICLES: THE WITCH IS DEAD!
The Cuomo Chronicles: The Witch is Dead! By Patrick McAuliffe
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pen this article on the night of Governor Andrew Cuomo’s last day of public office for the rest of his miserable life. State Attorney General Letitia James has concluded her investigation into Big Fredo’s sexual harassment allegations and has found him guilty of assaulting and accosting eleven women from his administration over several decades. I can’t quite explain the joy I feel now that his career is essentially over and his abuse of New York can finally end, so instead, I’ll chronicle how he finally fell and showed his true colors - which are somewhere between stale salami and the sickly face of a dying elderly person - until the bitter end. In my first article in the Cuomo Chronicles last October, I catalogued how Big Fredo’s administration cov-
“When the people of New York didn’t seem to care about their governor killing Grandma, his hypocrisy regarding women in the workplace became the talk of the town.” ered up the true number of approximately 15,000 nursing home deaths, claiming that only half that number had died in the early months of the pandemic. This was before Melissa DeRosa, who resigned from the Cuomo administration a few days after the Attorney General’s harassment report was released, privately admitted to the death toll coverup in February. Cuomo bullied Assemblyman Ron Kim over the latter’s vocal outcry about the scandal, denied any wrongdoing in a radio interview last September, and said that President Trump’s aggressive DOJ was the reason that they hid the numbers in the first place. It’s a shame that Big Fredo wasn’t immediately deposed because of his executive order that led to so much death in the first place, but the narcissistic fun never stops when you ride the Cuomocoaster.
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When the people of New York didn’t seem to care about their governor killing Grandma, his hypocrisy regarding women in the workplace became the talk of the town. For months, Big Fredo was beleaguered by accusations of sexual harassment from eleven women, initiated by his former aide Lindsay Boylan. To my surprise, longtime Cuomo ally Letitia James didn’t repeat the history of the Moreland Commission and, instead, actually found him guilty of harassing all of the complainants, as well as fostering a cutthroat workplace culture based on bullying and intimidation. It’s been a delicious trip for me as I scrolled through the comments under each of his tweets; screenshots of his past anti-sexual harassment tweets and memes of his infamous “I’m not perverted, I’m just Italian” moment abounded. His attempt at a response to the AG’s announcement was laughably pathetic and makes one wonder whether his staff genuinely hates him. Who actually believes that pictures of Cuomo appearing publicly and making non-sexual physical contact with them is any sort of refutation of the Attorney General’s findings? Big Fredo is a regular guy, just like you: as he shipped out of the Governor’s Mansion, he rented a large U-Haul. He has a dog, just like you, that he left behind at the mansion on one of his last days, trying to pawn
Captain off on a staff member. Do you have an Emmy Award? Good news, neither does Andrew Cuomo (anymore)! The everyday guy that spoke to New York with such alleged clarity and rationality during the pandemic keeps the $5.2 million from his book sales, as well as his $18 million pension and retirement benefits. He avoids jail time, impeachment, and every other consequence of import for the trail of death and trauma he leaves in his wake. Kathy Hochul seems to have learned some things from Handsy Andy after her several years as Lieutenant Governor, as she has recently announced that New York public schools will be forced to reinstate their mask mandate. This edict comes not a full week into her governorship. One might think that, since she hails from Buffalo, she would be more willing to consider the needs of local areas in New York beyond everything below the Southern Tier, but this appears to be a misplaced assumption. I’m not optimistic that she’ll reign with a softer touch than Big Fredo, but I was wrong about AG James’ final report and I hope that I’m wrong about this. Regardless of all of that, the stranglehold that the Italian Stallion has on New York politics is finally broken. I’m officially out of reliable content, but I’ve never wanted to have writer’s block for any other reason. After more than a decade of pastrami-fisted rule, we have the chance to rebuild New York while recognizing the terrible, authoritarian policies that have driven the state into the ground in the first place, tanking small businesses and killing Grandma. I wish Big Fredo the worst of luck, and I hope that he runs face-first into his massively inflated ego on the way out.
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NEW YORK VACCINE APARTHEID
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New York Vaccine Apartheid By Joe Badalamenti
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n the past year and a half, the world experienced two tragedies: the COVID-19 pandemic, and the lockdown crisis which surrounded it. After a year of intense research, the development of a COVID vaccine had reached the stage of distribution to the public. Given the effectiveness of the vaccines, many were hopeful that the availability of the vaccines would put an end to these devastating regulations. Unfortunately, certain regulations were not only kept in place, but the arrival of the vaccines led to the creation of a new measure: the vaccine passport. With many businesses and institutions (including Binghamton University) set to require vaccines in the near future, the vaccine passport system, as mandated by New York City, Los Angeles, and other municipalities, only serves to usher in a new system of discrimination. In the case of Binghamton University, the vaccine requirements are as follows: If an unvaccinated student wishes to study on campus they must provide either medical or religious reasons as to why they can not receive the vaccine. If the exemption is approved, then the student may live on campus, though while on campus, the student must follow the same COVID measures present in the last two semesters. (Surveillance testing, social distancing, etc). If the student is not vaccinated or approved for an exemption, the University has the right to move students to different housing units, prevent unvaccinated students from using certain campus facilities, and even unregister unvaccinated students from classes if they remain unvaccinated. Unvaccinated students are also prohibited from participating in certain on campus organizations such as club sports. While those with exemptions are permitted to live on campus, these guidelines serve to place unvaccinated students back to the dark age of 2020 and spring 2021, continuing the doctrine of COVID hysteria long past its expiration date. New York City has a similar system in place, though more unforgiving. The NYC health website refers to their program as the “key to NYC.” The city has mandated that residents 12 and older receive the vaccine to participate in indoor activities including dining, gyms, entertainment, and more. Employees must likewise be vaccinated. While the city lists activities that take a short amount of time (less than 10 minutes) as an exception, there are no other exceptions listed on the official website. While the system was put in place on August 17, enforcement of the system will not occur until September 13th. A question arises with the implementation of these policies: Do these requirements constitute a system of discrimination? This of course depends on the leniency of each system. The system in Binghamton University for example is less severe than the “key to NYC.’’ Despite ironically including a notice of their commitment against discrimination in their website, the “key to NYC’’ makes little to no exemptions for those who decide not to take the vaccine. Such structures may also lead to discrimination against children who are ineligible to receive the vaccine and will lead to a much wider divide between the vaccinated and unvaccinated populations.
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To make sense of this policy, we must consider the effects of vaccination. There is a case for vaccine passports if the said vaccine causes a reduction in the spread of COVID. However, the primary effect of vaccines is not to reduce the spread of COVID, but to improve immunity so as to reduce the severity of a given COVID case. While effective at reducing symptoms, immunity gained from contracting the virus itself is shown to be much more robust at developing immunity against COVID than the vaccine, meaning that exceptions could logically be made for those who possess antibodies against COVID. There are other ways to protect yourself against COVID and other diseases such as the flu. If you live a healthy lifestyle: exercise, have a healthy diet, don’t excessively drink or smoke, and get good amounts of sleep, you will have a stronger immune system which can lessen the severity and susceptibility to diseases such as COVID. Despite these options, the public health establishment seems content with pushing the vaccine as much as possible, up to the point of encouraging booster shots, thus vaccine passports have become enforced in NYC and other locations. Vaccines should be considered a personal choice as you own your body, not NYC or any other organization. If there is little scientific basis for these policies, then why have they become so widespread? Most policy guidelines mention the dreaded “Delta variant’’ as the reason for the return to previous COVID regulations. The problem with this reasoning is that while more contagious than the original variant, the “Delta variant” is at most equivalent to the original strain. So unless a super scary Sigma variant develops, talk about the danger of the “Delta variant” is overblown in light of facts. Moreover, vaccine availability has reached the point where anyone who desires the vaccine can receive one. So if the vaccine passport system doesn’t protect anyone any more than either natural or vaccinated immunity, why enact such a policy? One possible explanation is that public health organizations such as the United States CDC and WHO have become corrupted in order to promote the agendas of the “experts” who control them. This corruption has manifested into a desire for obedience from the public in order to receive praise for their wisdom once the COVID cases inevitably come down. In light of the lack of persuasive arguments as well as the dramatic polarization that has occurred over the past decade, such speculation is grounded in reality. In their attempt to transition out of the era of lockdowns, the New York regulations, unfortunately, continue the spread of disproven mandates. In an ideal world, the average person would choose to get vaccinated not because of state pressure, but because the benefits of immunization outweigh the risks from the vaccine. An example of this system in action would be the August 5th Kanye West “Donda” listening party, in which the stadium offered the vaccine to attendees. Such a system in which vaccines are not mandated, but encouraged is much more ethically sound. Although, given the drive to enact these policies, ethics were unfortunately given up as a consideration.
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ello, lovely excitable Bing Review readers! I have a couple of questions for you. Have you ever spent hours deliberating over some personal problem in which there was no definite answer? Are you the type of person to spend time looking at decade-old answers on Quora in insecurity-fueled frenzies? Do you still not fully understand where babies come from, despite your beseechments to your parents to explain? Oh Boy, do I have GREAT news. We want YOU to send your wackiest, zaniest, and quirkiest questions to Manager@ binghamtonreview.com so that WE, (aka Madeline), can give our (my) advice. If you’re funny enough, your question (and my brilliant answer) will be featured in the next issue of Binghamton Review to help you, and people like you, with your fucked up lives and equally fucked up questions. Questions will be anonymous, and I WILL start making up shit if no one sends an email. So send questions or spend the rest of your life wondering!
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WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?
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Where Do Babies Come From? By Madeline Perez
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look around and I see ignorance. I look inside myself and I see nothing greater. We are all ignorant of something and I do not claim to know all. The truth remains that the masses are riddled with great holes. Holes in their knowledge. Holes in their hearts. Holes in their ass. Lies perpetrated by the powers that be would lead you to believe that some of you DO, in fact, know where the arcane creature “baby” comes from. Or even what a “baby” is. But I have consulted the ancient texts and I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. So utterly, dangerously wrong. Long ago, in a town plagued by darkness and greed, a king lay dying. It’s ok though, he was a terrible king. It was a terrible town. At this point, babies had yet to torture the ertheral plane with their wretched existance. Human beings were a small race that were simply uncovered from the earth fully grown, like potatoes or various root vegetables. They knew not the modern horrors of “being red-pilled” and wouldn’t be able to comprehend the tragedy of the “soy wojak.” The soil was fruitful and nutrient rich, and the magic of the realm filled the biological potholes of my story. A council of town superiors surrounded the grand bed of the king, where countless women had laid in the sweet, sticky summer warmth of eras past. The ghosts of these memories danced around the room, seen only by the blind eyes of the dying king. The council stood re-
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spectfully, waiting for him to choose a successor. Waiting for him to die. His withered, shaking hand rose while blind, glazed eyes looked through each member. He couldn’t see their faces, but he could see the weight of their souls, as such was the power of the king. His disease-ridden, disgusting old-person hand seemed to falter… and then it fell. “None of you are fit to rule. Not even the Girlbosses among you.” he strained. Though weak, his voice still held the gravity of one who was once powerful and unforgiving. “You all must band together and find me a true successor. Or else thou mother beist gay.” With that he let out a final shriek and died violently. The council turned toward each other in murmur and shock. They hated the king with unparalleled rage, and his last decision cemented the hatred in their hearts indefinitely. But the council respected his dying choice. They wished none of their mothers to be gay. The council took up temporary rule, but resentment bred within. They coveted one another with sinful glances, tossed carelessly and then hidden away in dark places. The king’s wish haunted them, but they knew not a suitable townsfolk who could rule, and would all rather die before seeing a fellow councilmember take control. It was in this desperation they broke all societal norms and consulted the Department of Witchcraft to help construct the perfect heir. However the throne was reclaimed, it would not be with grace. They knew that much to be true. A full moon gleamed high. Blood would be spilled tonight. The witches cackled in boisterous, feminine glory; they had been paid nearly 300 gold pieces and were laden with empty promises from nearly all the members of the laughable virgin council. Little did they understand the weight of their promises, and would be held to their necks until fulfillment at the co-
ven’s whim. The witches congregated from all directions of the silent forest, their breasts perky with malicious intent. The leaves fell one after the other in the autumnal darkness. A comically large cauldron sat in the middle of the clearing, rusted and helpless to time. They were commissioned to create an early human. One that could be trained, raised-- easily influenced. One that could be reared to become a great ruler of their domain. If only they knew the horrors they were about to unleash on the world. They would not be laughing. They would be crying. The broth bubbled happily
“The town would never receive new royalty. The town was actually doomed due to its proximity to the baby cauldron.” within the deep cauldron. Each witch added a silly little ingredient that they felt reflected humanity. Dirt was tossed in handfuls. Glitter abound. Three cups of flour. You know the drill. Finally, the witches gathered around the soup. Each took a blade to her respective palm. Their eyes gleamed with moonlight as they watched the red spill; they did not feel pain. Not since the initial severing of their souls to serve the Moon Mother. Suddenly, there came a rumbling from the cauldron. The witches stepped back, smiles wider than Wide Logan. The ground
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shook as their rapturous laughter flew into the sky. Then stillness. Silence. One brave and sexy witch stepped close to the cauldron, prepared for the worst. And it was the worst she would receive. A high pitched cry rang out across the land. It curdled the blood of all who could hear. The witches fell to their knees in discomfort, eyes forced shut and still-bloodied palms to their ears. What creature was this? What banshee could utter such a terrible cry? The town would never receive new royalty. The town was actually doomed due to its proximity to the baby cauldron. The cauldron rumbled off its mighty stand and toppled over. It was too dark to see. The witches, no longer amused with themselves, stared in horror at the pot as a puff of glitter pooted out. The cry continued, and it was troubled. It was moving.
“The masses of babies smelled the positive vibes of the townspeople and decided that they just wanted to ruin it. ” A small human crawled out on its underdeveloped knees and terrible gremlin hands. They had never seen anything like it. It’s face was in a horrific scowl and stared down every one of them, cursed in its own existence. The witches were ashamed at what they had created. They averted their eyes. All at once, another cry rang out, this one more terrible than the last. And another. And another. It was deafening. The baby cauldron started overflowing with babies. The witches
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shrieked and ran for the strength of their bravery only went so deep. The masses of babies smelled the positive vibes of the townspeople and decided that they just wanted to ruin it. Like a tidal wave they spilled out of the forest and into the town. It was so bad.
“ She knew she must be silent, as the awful creatures would surely sense her presence and tear her limb from limb.”
of like when I eat a cheeto. The spell was broken; no more horrifying little babies were being produced. The witch was incredibly smart and sexy, but she had forgotten the self-preservation of the magical cauldron. Before she could react, the shattered pieces rose into the air and stayed there for a moment, taunting, just out of her reach, before they quickly flew off in separate directions into the darkened sky. Legend tells us that those pieces went around the world and landed directly on peoples heads, killing them instantly. Those pieces went on to produce babies, just at a much slower pace than before. Their wide eyes and goo goo gaa gaa noises tricked stupid humans into helping them survive. To this day we remain stupid and the race of babies continues to trick us. We have only managed to partially domesticate them, but still we try. Still we suffer. And so we shall until time approaches infinity.
Fires erupted around town square. The screams of the townspeople were drowned out by the sound of unwanted responsibility being thrust upon them. The one brave and sexy witch from before watched it unfold from a distance as the others could not stand to. She knew something had to be done. Something to at least minimize this crazed baby-centric damage that would surely destroy the land and all its resources. The witch stalked the cauldron from behind. It was tumbling and rumbling as babies spilled out in high velocities not yet seen in the olde world. She knew she must be silent, as the awful creatures would surely sense her presence and tear her limb from limb. Slowly, she took out her blade from its sheath. Still dusted with blood, it would have to do. As she held the blade over her head, a fragment of moonlight was reflected and shone in the eyes of a crazed baby. It hissed at her and lunged with terrifying speed, but it was too late. The blade came down onto the center of the cauldron, and it cracked with a satisfying crunch heard all over the globe, kind
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